All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E11.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirping]

Alexis, I just got an email
from your school.

Okay, in my defence,

I did not know he was
a substitute teacher,

and basically,
nothing happened.

Okay, well, that's not it,

and please don't go down
that path again.

Apparently there's a lice
outbreak in your class.

-Oh, my god!
-Ew!

[sighs] Ugh, it's
probably Kelsey,

she's such a horse girl.

Honestly, Alexis,
if you don't like the way
somebody looks...

Dad, that's so mean!

She doesn't look
like a horse,

she just talks about
them a lot.

And smells a bit.

-[David gasps]
-You know,
you keep scratching.

Ew!

No, I'm just allergic
to the down pillow.

No, no, you probably
have lice.

You're scratching
because you have lice!

Wait a minute,
we were in all the rooms
changing the sheets.

Okay, how... Can lice jump?

Because if I was sleeping
in my bed,

could a lice jump
from her bed to my bed?

Can everyone stop
saying lice, please?

Well, I've gotta go
back and change all
the sheets again.

Okay, how do I know that
she didn't give me her lice?

David, you don't have lice.

Nobody here has lice!

No, no, you do!

You... You have the lice!

-Ahhh!
-Ugh!

Oh! Ahhh!

Alexis, you've gotta go
to the store

and get something to deal
with that, now!

Okay, I've gotta go back
and change all the sheets.

Oh! This is the last time

I take a pity selfie
with Kelsey!

-Get away from me!
-Ugh!

[theme music playing]

[cart rattling]

[birds chirping]

[knocking] Housekeeping.

-Hello!
-Oh, hi.

Uh, just here for
the complimentary

sheet change.

But the bed's already
made up.

Yes, yes, well some
of our guests prefer

morning and evening sheets.

So these are, uh,
a little heavier,

for sleeping, right?

So if you don't mind,
I'll just get to it.

I think we're good, I mean,

we haven't even
touched the sheets.

Oh, good, good, good!

Why is that good?

Well, it just means
you're having a busy day,

you know, up and at 'em.

-Oh, right.
-[laughs] Right.

And your hair's
in a ponytail,

that's fantastic.

And by that I mean
it's very hot outside

and gives the neck
a chance to breathe...

Yeah, so.

Er, we're actually just
on our way out so...

Oh, well,
good timing then. Huh?

So why don't we follow
you out, hmm?

So that's a yes
to changing the sheets?

No, no, I think
we're good. Thanks.

After you.

Oh, so leaving everything
as is, then.

COUPLE: Yeah!

-Hi, sorry I'm late,
it's been a busy morning.
-Hmm.

[sighs] How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

It's nice to see you.

Hmm!

Are you talking to me?
I'm not used to that, er,
level of kindness.

Yes, we haven't seen
each other in weeks,

so I was just saying
it's nice to see you.

I'm going to ignore
that passive aggression,

and instead,
lean in to the fact

that we're both working
professionals now,

and mama Oprah would be
very proud of us.

Okay, that's one way
to look at it.

Erm, so you know
what I think would be
super fun,

if we hung out
at your place tonight.

-My place?
-Mmm-hmm.

You've never been
to my place.

Yeah, exactly, you were just
saying that we haven't

been spending as much
time together and that it's
been really bothering you.

Er, I don't remember saying
that last part.

Yeah, so I was just
thinking, like,

what about
a late night hang,

or, like,
a platonic sleepover?

Hmm... What's on your head?

Hmm? A hat.

Erm, that I'm test driving
for the store.

I mean, what's happening
under the hat?

-The other side.
-Oh, I see.

Yeah, erm, that would be
a shower cap.

So this would
have nothing to do

with the lice outbreak
at the motel?

Your dad just called me.

Mmm-hmm. Erm...

So I might be taking
preventative measures.

I can't afford to have
the store infested
with lice.

I don't think
it works that way,

but just so we're clear,

you wanting to have
a platonic sleepover

at my place would have
nothing to do with the fact

that your sister has lice?

Yes, that is almost
entirely correct.

Oh!

[Moira] Good morning!

[Bob] Who's gonna be
the one to tell her?

I'll handle this.
[clears throat]

Have I been let go?
Should I leave?

-No.
-I won't make a scene.

You still have three
and a half more years.

But who's counting?

[clears throat]
Moira, I know
that town beautification

is kind of your thing,

so I know you'll wanna
know that, erm,

we're gonna build
a flower garden.

And it gets better!

I imagine it must.

We're gonna name it
after you.

Oh, and look at that
right there,

utter shock!

Now, I'm flattered
beyond all reason,

but I can't help but think

the money could be better
spent elsewhere,

making much needed
improvements to the roads,

the streetlamps, the parks,
the sidewalks,

-the traffic light...
-[Roland] Moira!

I don't think you
understand how rare it is

for somebody
to have something
named for them in this town!

I mean, yeah, the whole town
is named after me,

and Bob over here,
he's got his bench.

Bob's bench.

And Ronnie's got
her rec centre.

It's an outdoor
tennis court,

and last year the net
was stolen.

Well, she's kind of
under selling it there.

The rec centre is a major
hook-up spot for the kids.

-So is the bench.
-Right.

As much as I would love
to contribute

to the population growth
of this town

by way of teen pregnancies,

I must decline.

Honey,
it's all about legacy!

Your name will forever
be associated

with this town's name!

I don't think
you're helping.

I truly appreciate
the gesture.

Well, look,
before you say no...

-No.
-Right.

This is a really
big deal, Moira.

For us to be doing
this for you. Okay.

Alexis, I didn't think
you were coming in today.

Oh, erm,
I hadn't planned to,

but it was really bugging me
that your cupboards

were so disorganised.

It's Saturday.

No, I know, erm...

But the other reason is that

I bumped into one
of our clients,

and her dog has lice,

and she's worried that
she now has lice.

Who was it?

Erm...

Meredith? Meredith!

She's new-ish,
you might not,
erm, remember her,

just kind of like,
mid-length, like, wavy hair.

-Does she want me
to help her?
-No.

No, she is too embarrassed.

And I was like...
"Mere-dith...

Meredith, there's no reason
to be embarrassed,

you're still
exceptionally attractive,

it's just lice,
just get the shampoo,

and deal with it!"

Yeah, okay, erm,
the thing is,

that you can't actually
get lice from dogs.

It's a different
kind of lice.

Okay, so what
should she use?
Should she use

the flea stuff, or...

Oh, no, she's fine to use
the lice shampoo, erm,

but it's really more
about combing them out.

-Ew!
-On the upside,

you could tell her that

they're only attracted
to clean scalps,

and she shouldn't be
too embarrassed.

Also, I'm kind of a samurai

when it comes to
the metal comb, so...

Are you sure,
because she didn't
want to, erm,

she didn't wanna bug you
on a weekend.

Bug me? [sighs] I am sure.

Okay, I will tell her.

Erm, you know that
it's me, right?

-Yeah, caught on
pretty quick.
-Okay, thank you.

You're the sweetest
little vet I've ever met.

I don't know about little,

because I'm benching 225
right now,

so it's not really something
someone little...

-Ahhh, Ted!
-Okay, yep.

[sighs] Okay,

so if you wouldn't mind
sorting these body
milks by size,

that would be great.

Can you drink these?

Erm, it's liquid
moisturiser,

for your body, so, erm, no,
you can't drink them.

Did you ask if you can
drink it, too?

Okay, it says body milk
on the label!

You know, I told David
that the label

was gonna be misleading,
but he insisted.

What was it you said?

"Anyone with a fibre
of common sense

would know that it's not
actually milk."

What do we think
body milk is,

if not milk for your body?

-Exactly.
-Stevie, right?

-Yeah.
-I'm Patrick.

I've heard a lot about you.

-None of it is true.
-Oh, well, anyone with
a fibre of common sense

would know that.

I like him.

I like you.

Okay, is this how
this is gonna go?

Erm, because we have way
too much work to do today

for me to feel attacked
by way

of an imbalanced
social dynamic.

Are you wearing
a shower cap?

Alexis has lice,

and I am taking
preventative measures.

By wearing one of our hats
that we now can't sell.

Oh, he doesn't have it,
I checked his head.

I think the shower cap
is more of a fashion choice
at this point.

Uh-huh.

But you're still living
with somebody
who does have lice,

so just 'cause you don't
have it now,

doesn't mean
that you couldn't
get it tonight,

or tomorrow, or whenever.

It's almost as if you want
me to get the lice.

I don't want you to get it,

I just, I think you should
be careful.

You can crash at my place
tonight if you need to.

Thank you, erm...

But Stevie offered
her place this morning.

-Oh.
-So...

Can I crash at your place?

[laughs]

This is really fun for me.

I'm having a lot of fun.

[birds chirping]

I never thought I'd see
the day, John.

You've been domesticated
beyond recognition.

Moira, it's been a bit
of a day here.

Well, this might lift
your spirits,

I just came from council,

and they want to name
a garden after me.

A garden?

Oh, that's flattering.

Another feather
in your cap, huh?

Oh, I have enough legacies
as it is, John.

I've got that playhouse
theatre in Pasadena,

my titular scholarship
with Phoenix,

David and Alexis.

Yeah, but still,
a garden is nice.

You'd have to think twice
about turning that down.

Oh, I've already
turned it down.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, it's just...

About a month ago,
I heard from

the Lucy Albion
studio theatre
in Pasadena.

I don't know what that is.

It used to be called
the Moira Rose...

No, no! Don't say it!

They've stripped
the playhouse of my name?

Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?

A volunteer usher
who died last year.

And when were you planning
on telling me this, John?

Well, Moira, it's not like
you haven't overreacted

to bad news in the past.

I just thought it might sit
better with you

once you'd heard
about the garden.

No, I just told you
about the garden.

Uh-huh.

John, did you ask
Roland and Bob

to name a garden after me?

No, no!

They wanted to name
the garden after you, Moira.

After I offered to pay
for the plaque,

and a good chunk
of the upkeep.

I don't believe this.

Sweetheart, I just thought
having your own
garden in town

would make
losing the theatre
less painful!

Oh, I won't be pitied, John!

Or fed your pacifying pablum
like some kind of

soft-headed infant!

Well, I thought it was
a nice gesture.

Oh no, no, now I just
wonder what else

you're keeping from me.

Nothing!

Well, Alexis has lice.

What?

Ew!

Ew!

I assume you shaved
her head!

And we have to put
a wig on her.

But not one of my wigs!

These have to be boxed now!

Moira, I've got it
all taken care of.

And I'd think twice
about that garden.

Oh, it's too late,
the notion of that garden

is as abhorrent to me
as our daughter's scalp!

And I was worried about
you overreacting.

[screams]

Oh.

What are you doing in here?

Well, you said to change
the sheets.

No, we said not to change
the sheets.

Oh, you said not to change
the sheets!

I could've sworn I heard you
say change the sheets.

Well, while I'm here,
I may as well...

Please, just leave the bed.

-Sure.
-What's going on?

What's going on?

Well, my... Okay.

My daughter and I
were setting up
the room earlier,

and it turns out
she has lice.

[sighs]

I was changing the sheets
because, you know,

-I didn't wanna
take a chance.
-Been there.

Yeah, our six year old
daughter had lice last year.

-How old's yours?
-Twenty-eight.

Oh, and I checked your
hairbrush and it is fine.

You checked my hairbrush?

It's a complimentary
service.

[Ted] Why didn't you just
tell me that you had lice?

Ted, a bug literally fell
out of my head,

onto my textbook
this morning.

It was so disgusting.

Plus, I didn't want you
to picture me

like some well-toned
bug woman.

Well, I've seen worse.

Fleas, ticks, worms.

Granted, all of those
were on house pets.

Ted!

[laughs] I'm just saying,

that you know,
it could've been worse.

I could be shearing you
with trimmers right now.

You're really good at this.

It reminds me of when
I was in Bangkok.

There was this amazing
little resto-lounge

that specialised
in Tahitian food,

and scalp massages.

I'm not sure what's
more disgusting,

what I'm doing right now

or the concept for
that restaurant.

It was a resto-lounge.

Speaking of Thailand,

I think is probably the most
intimate thing

I've ever done
with an employee.

Speaking of Thailand,

I think we've done
a few more intimate
things than this.

I meant while they were
an employee.

Not that I'd do this
for anyone else.

Well, thank you.

Because it's actually
pretty gross.

You said it wasn't that bad.

Well, there are some
big ones in here.

Ew!

I'm joking, I'm joking.

Oh, maybe not.

-Ew!
-Nope, it's fine.

It is fine, it's fine.

Just the mama, we got her.

[knocking]

Hi, I can't thank you
enough for inviting me.

Really, you should
be thanking
yourself for that.

[gasps]

This is a lot nicer
than I expected.

For some reason
I pictured you
living underground.

In like, a bomb shelter?

Yeah, like,
bomb shelter aspects.

Look at what you've done
to this place!

Look at all this stuff!

Look at that frame
on the wall
that you put there.

Look at that
Sarah McLachlan poster!

Don't be dissing
Sarah McLachlan.

Who's dissing
Sarah McLachlan?

I followed Lilith Fair
for two summers.

[sighs]

-So...
-[gasps] Uh-oh!

Two toothbrushes? Hello...

No, you see this

is exactly why
I shouldn't have let you

bully me into allowing you
to stay here!

Do you require
two toothbrushes?

Yes, I do.

Ah.

So maybe I was seeing
somebody a while ago,

and I forgot to throw out
his toothbrush.

I don't recall you
ever telling me

about that chapter
of your life.

Well, I'm sure
I would've told you,

if you weren't so busy
with the store.

I'm sorry, is that a soft,

yet affirmative indication
that you miss me?

No, it is not.

Because I agree,
our social predicament

is not ideal,

but we are both
thriving professionally,

and I feel like that
needs to be celebrated.

Speaking of,
where are the drinks?

In this thing?

The fridge.

Is this, okay...

-Just...
-[gasps]

Okay, I just see two
de-shelled hard-boiled eggs

in a bag. Should I be
scared for you?

The vodka's in the freezer.

Oh, in the freezer, okay.

[gasps] There she is!

Look at that,
look at her, go.

What a gift.

-Moira!
-Oh, hi.

I just wanted
to say congratulations

about the garden.

Oh, well, you're very kind,
but I've declined the offer.

-Oh, really?
-Yes.

As much as I love
the spotlight,

sometimes it's best
to just step aside.

That's surprising.

I know when they told me
that they were gonna
put my name

on the new low-impact
play centre at the school,

I was thrilled!

Yes, it can be very exciting

when the tribute matches
the contribution.

My name graced a theatre,

a country club ladies'
locker room,

a roadway...

A whole road?

Oh, not just any road.

This was a lifesaving road,

dedicated to
emergency vehicles.

Like a fire route?

Technically it was referred
to as evacuation route 14,

but those of us in the know
affectionately called it,

"Moira Rose Boulevard."

Hmm.

You know, Moira,

having your name on a small,
local garden

wouldn't take away from
any of those other
amazing achievements.

You might think, but this
particular little tribute

was bought by my husband,

in an attempt
to assuage my ego.

And that would
be different from
the other times because...

Well, I mean,
of course philanthropy

and recognition always
go hand in hand,

-But...
-Listen.

I know this isn't
what you wanted,

but I think it would make
Johnny really happy

to make you happy.

I mean, take Roland.

Every year he buys me
coconut macaroons,

and I just don't have
the heart to tell him

I am really allergic
to coconut.

Yeah, every Valentine's Day
I just rash right up.

[laughs]

Last year my throat
almost completely shut.

I shouldn't have eaten
those eggs.

I can't believe I'm trapped
under a blanket with you

knowing you ate those eggs.

[sighs]

I bet Patrick's fridge
is fully stocked.

What does that mean?

It means he's got
his life together.

He's a pretty
eligible bachelor.

Patrick.

I suppose.

What? He's my
business partner.

Oh, aren't they all.

What are you doing?

What, you guys just seem
to really get along well.

Yeah, because we're
in business together,

and complement
each other professionally.

But he offered for you
to stay over at his place.

Yes, because
unlike you and I,

he's extremely generous,

and has absolutely
no ulterior motive.

Then why are you here
and not there?

Because you asked me first.

I didn't, though.

And it would be weird.

Well, if nothing's going on,
why would it be weird?

Because we're
in business together,

and I don't know what
his preferences are.

Well, you're not gonna find
out what his preferences are
on a sleepover with me.

Well, I wouldn't be sharing
a bed with him,

I'd be in some
guest bedroom.

Guest bedroom, what is he,
Bill Gates?

Yes, he's Bill Gates.

I like this for you.

Like what?
There's nothing to like.

You seem flustered.

I'm not flus...

Maybe it's the eggs.

[both] Ugh!

Erm, am I reading
this right?

"The Moira's Rose's Garden."

Okay, look, I went back
and forth on the name

a couple of times,
and I may have

confused the engraver.

"The Moira's Rose's Garden."

So the garden is dedicated
to a rose that Moira owns?

I don't think that there
are enough apostrophes.

I don't even see a rose
in the garden.

Because there aren't
any roses.

Or are we the roses?

Okay, I'm getting roses
for the garden,

I'm... I'm getting roses.

Oh, okay.

Erm, and what are these
numbers for?

That's Mom's birthday,
David.

Those are the
last four digits

of your father's
credit card.

It was a complicated
order form, all right?

There were a lot
of fields to fill in.

Erm, I hope you got
a really good deal on this.

It's by the letter,
so he paid extra

for those apostrophe S's.

Okay, enough, enough.

This is still a very big
honour for your mother.

Is it not?

-Mmm-hmm.
-Yep.

Mmm-hmm.

So when we die,

are we all gonna
be buried here?

[theme music playing]