Original subtitles

John, do you have the car keys?

Do I have the car keys? No. No.

But according to the sign-out sheet,

I was the last person to use the car.

Well, that's not very helpful, John.

You're the only one using this sign-out sheet.

Well, that's not true.

Stevie's got her name on the sheet.

Wait a minute. Why is Stevie's name on the sheet?

She's got her own car.

David! Do you know where the car keys are?

Yeah, I have them.

Oh, well, then why isn't your name on the sign-out sheet?

Because you're the only one using that sign-out sheet.

David, I need the car keys.

Your father is driving me to Thornbridge.

I'm driving you to Thornbridge?

To the municipalities conference, yes.

I thought Roland offered to drive you.

Oh, he did. But no thanks.

I can't take four hours in a truck with Roland and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Okay, Alexis and I need the car.

We're running some errands for the store today.

Um, since when?

Uh, since I need your help for a pick-up.

And Mom clearly already has a lift,

and I'm pretty sure parents

are supposed to put their children before themselves.

Oh, really? No.

If aeroplane safety videos have taught me anything, David,

it's that a mother puts her own mask on first.

Ah, see, and that's precisely why we have the sign-out sheet.

-For this kind of dispute. -Okay. Fine.

Now my name is on the list.

And there's a sheep farm that's expecting us in 20 minutes

for a pick-up of some wool throws.

No, no, no.

Your mother already expressed a verbal intention to use the car.

Okay, we're gonna have the car back in a few hours.

Okay. Well, I might need it for a few hours after that, though.

Fine, we'll just keep it for the day.

-John? -You people are abusing the system.

It's not a difficult system.

Moira, look at this. Under "Purpose of trip," he writes, "Driving."

Whoa, hold it right there.

I want to see the look on your face when you walk into your first

Regional Association of Municipalities conference.

And there it is. Ah, name tags.

Let's get suited up.

Thank you, but no, Roland.

I won't wear anything with an adhesive backing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, hey, Moira, look over there.

You see that guy over there? The well-dressed one?

That's Gavin McCrae.

Mayor of Thornbridge.

Hmm. You mean the one serving drinks to the other people?

Okay. Maybe he's the other guy over there.

Also very well-dressed.

Well, now you've identified the catering staff.

[chuckles]

Moira, please, this is RAMC.

These are the people with their fingers

on the button of everything

from road salting to quarry inspection

-to water tower repair. -Hmm.

I mean, it's really kind of scary

that we're all in here under one roof.

Oh, it's frightening. Yes.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna need you in there,

by my side when we make this budget pitch.

You don't have to worry about me, Roland.

If there is anyone at this fabulous little confab

who knows how to work a room of fragile egos, it's me.

I once hosted the non-televised portion

of the People's Choice Awards.

[Alexis] This is a actually a great idea, David.

Consolidating all of your products under one label

instills brand recognition and creates synergy.

Um, I'm sure you're very excited

about all the new words you're learning

in your high school Intro to Business course,

but I think a more effective use of your time right now,

would be to go and get the hand cream

that I asked you to get 10 minutes ago.

I got the hand cream.

Yeah, the box of hand cream.

I asked you to get the box of hand cream,

not sample the hand cream.

That's like 53 pounds.

Why are you here?

You know what I think would be really cute

is if I had my own little label, like, under your label.

-Yeah. -I could sell festival wear,

and I could sell, like, hair feathers and body jewellery.

-David? -[door opens]

Wow, things are really coming together in here.

Oh, um, we're actually not open yet.

But that's so sweet. Thank you.

We've been working very hard.

Well, I'm actually not here to shop.

I'm Patrick.

I'm just dropping off David's business licence.

Oh, isn't that the cutest thing?

Um, David's in the back.

But I am Alexis,

and I'm currently studying business,

and I'm David's sister and life coach, so...

Well, it's great to meet you, Alexis.

Uh, I'm sorry if my hands are too soft.

I've just been sampling a lot of product.

So really soft. [chuckles]

They are.

Excuse me, Mrs Rose? If I may, just a couple of questions.

Were you surprised to get such a big funding boost

for the municipalities?

That was quite a speech.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[laughs] What did I do?

Well, I was simply channelled someone who cares,

but if you insist on referring to me as the linchpin,

I'll take that.

That's right. We're...

We're just a couple linchpins here. [laughs]

I'm Roland Schitt, Moira's boss--

Yes, I'm the ingenue here.

A total babe in the political woods.

That's true. You know, this is her first RAMC. [laughs]

But I think under my wing, she's learning to fly.

-I've been mayor now for about 10 years and I did-- -Thank you.

Okay, we'll talk when you have more time to do--

There she is. The woman of the hour.

Oh, my God, now they're crowning me with titles.

Join us for drinks in the diamond club.

The diamond club? Hmm. That sounds grand.

Oh, it's the hotel bar.

They have a special RAMC cocktail.

It's a sparkling white Russian.

The trick is to get it down before it curdles.

As appealing as you make that sound, Roland,

I think I'll just go to my room.

Oh, come on!

Look, I never get this kind of...

I mean, our town doesn't get recognised like this very often,

and this time it's for something really positive.

Okay. One drink.

This means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yes, and to you.

[chattering]

[Roland] Okay.

[all chanting] Moira! Moira! Moira!

-Isn't it so soft? -It is.

Whoa, might be tying it a little tight there. [chuckles]

Uh, that is actually cat hair.

There's a Himalayan breeder up the street

that knits them for us. Hi.

Hi. I'm just dropping off your business licence

and activating my allergies.

Oh, in that case, you should probably take that off.

-Yeah. Like now! -Oh. Okay.

Isn't that the sweet thing that he framed it.

Um. It is very sweet. Thank you, Patrick.

Actually, they... They all come framed.

Okay, thank God.

Because I was just thinking that this frame

is a little too corporate for my brand.

[Alexis] David, I was just about to sample

the unisex Mennonite cologne on Patrick.

Um, that's not a sample.

And you've sampled half the store at this point.

So we still need to sell all this stuff.

Okay, well I flattened out the lip balm.

So no one's gonna notice.

There's a lot of stuff in here, David.

You don't wanna spend too much money up front.

Yeah, that is not good, David.

You have to be prepared to survive a full year without making any profit.

Actually, the textbooks now say 18 months.

Well, what are the textbooks saying

about curating a selection of products from local vendors

and selling them on consignment

in a one-stop-shop retail environment

that benefits both the vendor and the customer?

Well, I don't have my textbook on me.

I stand corrected.

Listen, if you need help, I'm happy to help.

Why? Alexis is here helping.

Well, no, if Patrick has offered to move all the boxes,

then I think we should let him.

Is that what I offered?

Okay, well, thank you, Patrick.

You're welcome. Um, Okay.

So you can start by moving

all of those big things of hand cream.

[mouthing] What?

[Moira] It's unbelievable, John!

I had forgotten what it was like to be feted.

-Moira? -[Moira] What?

I can hardly hear you, John!

The cheering and the accolades are drowning out your gentle voice.

Oh, I take it things went well?

I'm a game-changer, John-- Hey. Oh!

Uh, Gavin's brought out the hard stuff,

so, darling, I must sign off.

All right, well, have fun, sweetheart,

and don't get too carried away.

I'm networking, John!

Do you know I'm actually good at this?

-Who are you talking to? -It's my husband!

[all booing]

Uh, was that for me?

Why am I getting booed?

That's... Wait! That's my man, Johnny!

Hey, Johnny, it's Roland!

Hey, we're all here at RAMC!

You should be here, Mary-something is here.

Gavin is here. The road salt guy--

Yeah, okay, Roland.

Good. I'm having a bit of a night myself here.

[Roland] Come on! [Moira] Stop! I have to talk to my husband.

John. John.

Moira, you know, it might be time for a coffee.

And I'm gonna let you go now. And have fun, sweetheart.

We'll see you in the morning.

-Goodbye, phone call! -Goodbye, my darling.

All right. Goodnight, sweetheart.

Oh, Moira, by the way, I just picked up the new--

-[dial tone humming] -Okay.

John, shut the blinds.

John, please.

[groans]

[sighs]

-Moira? -Hmm?

[screams]

Roland!

What are you doing in my room?

[scoffs] What are you talking about? This is my room.

Well, what the fuck are you doing in your room?

Well, I was trying to sleep

until you started pounding on the door,

telling me to whip you up a salmon plate.

I finally let you in. You flaked out on the bed.

Oh, my God.

[sighs]

Are you naked under there?

[laughs] Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets

is my own business.

Oh, no. No. God, no.

Oh, God, no. No, dear God.

-Welcome to RAMC! [laughs] -[whimpers] Oh, my God. No!

[door opening]

Jocelyn.

Almost didn't recognise you over there.

Hey, Johnny.

It's been a morning,

but I don't have to tell you that.

Oh, I'm sorry. You've had a tough morning?

You're handling this way better than I am.

Handling what better?

Roland and Moira sleeping together.

[laughing] What?

At the conference last night.

Yeah. No, no!

Let's just go back to that previous sentence.

Ah, when you say they slept together--

Well, Roland says that they just slept

-in the same bed together. -Uh-huh.

And he says that nothing happened,

so I'm just trying to, you know, process all of this.

Oh, yes. Well,

aren't we all?

I mean, I'm hearing about this for the first time.

Moira didn't tell you?

Well, we chatted this morning

about how successful the night was,

but sleeping with your husband

didn't really come up as one of the reasons

the night was so successful.

And we probably shouldn't read anything

into the fact that, for some reason,

Moira decided to hide this from you.

Oh, no, no. I wouldn't say, "hide." No, no.

Because Moira was so exhausted when she got in this morning.

Maybe she was so exhausted because she was up all night

-with her mitts all over-- -No, no, no.

I know Moira and she would never in a million years ever sleep with...

Anyone else.

It's just that I know what it's like

to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt,

and I am powerless against that.

He was naked?

He sleeps naked every night.

Do you wanna order something to put chocolate sauce on?

No.

Um, David, I can swing by the store

and help out after school, if you want.

I also may need some more of that lip balm that I liked.

Okay. Um, I think we've had enough of your help.

And unless you're planning on purchasing that lip balm,

you're not getting the lip balm.

Okay. It's called sweat equity, David.

I learnt about it this week.

And that's when you help someone out,

and then they give you lip balm

or whatever else you might need

in exchange for your time and energy.

I think you might actually need to break a sweat

in order to earn sweat equity.

Okay, what if I got Patrick to break a sweat for me.

That's called outsourcing. Outsourcing--

Are you passing this economics course?

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, I'm pretty sure.

Okay. Um, if you really want the lip balm that bad,

there are a few things around the store

that I could use your help with.

Just an FYI, Patrick won't be there.

So there won't be anybody for you

to flirtatiously boss around.

Okay, I hate to break this to you, David,

but there will always be somebody for me

to flirtatiously boss around.

So what's going on there?

Oh, nothing.

He hasn't even asked for my phone number,

which, in my experience,

means that he's either newly married or he's gay.

Okay, so, like, if you're sensing a vibe or something,

maybe that means that his eye is on somebody else.

He's a business major that wears straight-legged, mid-range denim.

He's not into me.

Okay, well it's either that, or he's really into the store,

which, no offence, seems a lot less likely to me.

[whispering] Okay.

I think you missed a spot on that page with the highlighter.

Where?

[door opens]

Hello, Moira.

Hello, there, love of my life.

Funny thing, I just ran into Jocelyn.

Oh. How is Jocelyn?

Oh, she was a little upset.

Apparently, her husband Roland spent the night with you.

[laughs] I know. Wasn't that funny?

Moira!

When were you gonna tell me about this?

Ah, we talked about it this morning, John!

-We laughed about it. -We didn't laugh about it

because we didn't talk about it.

I would have remembered if you had said something that funny.

It's inconsequential, John.

Just let it go. I have.

May I ask what you're doing?

Um, I've decided to cut down on my drinking.

-Unrelated, I assume? -To what?

To you sleeping with Roland last night.

Okay. This joke has played itself out.

It was humorous this morning--

We didn't talk about it this morning!

Obviously, I didn't tell you anything because I was embarrassed.

I was riding high, John, apparently really high,

after winning what some people called a landmark victory

for this and many other towns.

Then I woke up in the last place I'd ever want to be.

Well, can't say I'm not glad to hear you say that.

Oh, John, I owe an apology to you

and to sober people everywhere.

Well, I knew nothing happened, Moira.

It's just I was getting a feeling

you weren't taking this very seriously.

If I weren't, John, would I be pouring this out?

Moira, that's my beer.

You don't even drink beer.

It's symbolic, John.

Uh-oh. I take it you're here to tell me

that my business licence has been revoked?

[laughs] No, no. You're all good.

Okay. Um...

My sister isn't here, so...

I'm not here for your sister.

Okay.

You know I've been thinking about all this,

and these products that Alexis was showing me yesterday

are actually really impressive.

I mean, the whole model is actually very sustainable.

Thank you.

But I think you're gonna need some more start-up money.

Oh. More start-up money.

-Hmm. -Um...

And where do you think I'll get that money?

Well, when you're supporting local businesses,

there are grants that you can apply for.

And I would be happy to assist you with those applications.

Well, that is very, um... Very generous.

Well, I wouldn't be doing it for free.

See, if the grants came through,

you'd have the money to start paying me.

-Okay. -Um...

I really think you have something here, David.

You just... You just need some help. You need a lot of help.

Okay. Um...

Well, uh, then, yes,

I am open to entertaining

your investment offer.

Great.

And in the interest of us potentially working together,

I did want to come clean about something.

Okay.

[sighs] I, um...

I actually picked out that frame.

I see.

So thank you for making it very clear

that I will be making the creative decisions for the store.

Um, and I guess you can handle all the business stuff.

I'm very comfortable with that.

Okay.

Um, and you do know that if the grant money

doesn't come through, then I won't--

Oh, I'm gonna get the money.

[whispering] Okay.

-Hello, Johnny. -Roland.

Johnny, me and six of my closest friends

were hoping we could have a little chat.

Well, it's awfully late.

Johnny, I'm talking about the beer.

No, I know. I know you're talking about the beer.

It's just Moira's in the shower.

She's been showering most of the day, actually.

Good,

because I think it's best that we talk man to man.

Ah!

Jocelyn and I spoke,

and she told me you're still pretty upset, huh?

Look, if anyone was upset, it was Jocelyn.

I was upset because Jocelyn was upset.

All right, pal. Well, I'm here to put your mind at ease, okay?

I am 99.999% sure

that nothing happened between me and your wife.

I'm 100% sure, and I wasn't even there.

Well, I sure was.

[laughing]

All of me.

You know, I spent 35 minutes this morning

inspecting every inch of my body for bite marks,

back scratches, lipstick prints,

and I couldn't find anything.

Well, there was this one thing on the bottom of my foot,

but I think that may have been there before.

-I really don't know. -You know what, Roland?

I think I'm gonna ask you to leave

because Moira's coming out soon, and I really don't--

Want to tempt fate twice. I got it.

No, no. I don't think you do got it.

And not to put too fine a point on it, Roland,

but my wife would never go out for a burger

when she has a strong penchant for steak.

-Good night, Roland. -Breakfast tomorrow, right?

-Good night, Roland. -Okay.

Don't worry. It's only me.

Ha-ha, very droll, Mr Rose.

Thought I'd announce myself

just in case you were expecting somebody else.

Is living with that blackout not punishment enough?

[chuckles] You know, I meant to ask, Moira,

what were the amenities like in that hotel room?

High-pressured water, down pillows?

I'll never know.

I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis,

and I squandered it, passed out on Roland's bed.

You slept with Roland?

No, she didn't.

She found herself in his bed.

-Mom slept with Roland? -Yes, apparently.

I will not be tried and condemned

by the likes of you two.

-So what's gonna happen now? -Yeah.

Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us?

David, stop.

We're gonna have to, like, spend weekends

over at Roland's now, or...

Good night, Alexis.

Do we call him Uncle Roland?

All right, that's enough, David.

No, I mean, I get it. Roland is the Mayor,

and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.

Yeah, like you and Ted.

No, we're making fun of Mom and Dad right now, David.

-Oh. -And we're done. Back to your rooms.

[Alexis] Ooh.

Um, I just want you to know

that no matter what anyone says,

you will always be our first dad.

-Good night. -Okay.