All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E09.WEB-DL.NF.en

John, do you have
the car keys?

Do I have the car keys?
No. No.

But according
to the sign-out sheet,

I was the last person
to use the car.

Well, that's not
very helpful, John.

You're the only one
using this sign-out sheet.

Well, that's not true.

Stevie's got her name
on the sheet.

Wait a minute.
Why is Stevie's
name on the sheet?

She's got her own car.

David! Do you know
where the car keys are?

Yeah, I have them.

Oh, well, then
why isn't your name
on the sign-out sheet?

Because you're the only one
using that sign-out sheet.

David, I need the car keys.

Your father is driving me
to Thornbridge.

I'm driving you
to Thornbridge?

To the municipalities
conference, yes.

I thought Roland
offered to drive you.

Oh, he did. But no thanks.

I can't take four hours
in a truck with Roland
and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Okay, Alexis and I
need the car.

We're running some errands
for the store today.

Um, since when?

Uh, since I need your help
for a pick-up.

And Mom clearly
already has a lift,

and I'm pretty sure parents

are supposed
to put their children
before themselves.

Oh, really? No.

If aeroplane safety videos
have taught me anything,
David,

it's that a mother
puts her own mask on first.

Ah, see, and that's
precisely why we have
the sign-out sheet.

-For this kind of dispute.
-Okay. Fine.

Now my name is on the list.

And there's a sheep farm
that's expecting us
in 20 minutes

for a pick-up
of some wool throws.

No, no, no.

Your mother already
expressed a verbal intention
to use the car.

Okay, we're gonna have
the car back in a few hours.

Okay. Well, I might need it
for a few hours
after that, though.

Fine, we'll just keep it
for the day.

-John?
-You people are abusing
the system.

It's not a difficult system.

Moira, look at this.
Under "Purpose of trip,"
he writes, "Driving."

Whoa, hold it right there.

I want to see the look
on your face when you walk
into your first

Regional Association of
Municipalities conference.

And there it is.
Ah, name tags.

Let's get suited up.

Thank you, but no, Roland.

I won't wear anything
with an adhesive backing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, hey, Moira,
look over there.

You see that guy over there?
The well-dressed one?

That's Gavin McCrae.

Mayor of Thornbridge.

Hmm. You mean the one
serving drinks to
the other people?

Okay. Maybe he's the other
guy over there.

Also very well-dressed.

Well, now you've identified
the catering staff.

[chuckles]

Moira, please, this is RAMC.

These are the people
with their fingers

on the button of everything

from road salting to
quarry inspection

-to water tower repair.
-Hmm.

I mean, it's really
kind of scary

that we're all in here
under one roof.

Oh, it's frightening. Yes.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna
need you in there,

by my side when we make
this budget pitch.

You don't have to worry
about me, Roland.

If there is anyone at this
fabulous little confab

who knows how to work a room
of fragile egos, it's me.

I once hosted
the non-televised portion

of the People's
Choice Awards.

[Alexis] This is a actually
a great idea, David.

Consolidating all of your
products under one label

instills brand recognition
and creates synergy.

Um, I'm sure
you're very excited

about all the new words
you're learning

in your high school Intro
to Business course,

but I think a more effective
use of your time right now,

would be to go
and get the hand cream

that I asked you to get
10 minutes ago.

I got the hand cream.

Yeah, the box of hand cream.

I asked you to get the box
of hand cream,

not sample the hand cream.

That's like 53 pounds.

Why are you here?

You know what I think
would be really cute

is if I had
my own little label, like,
under your label.

-Yeah.
-I could sell festival wear,

and I could sell,
like, hair feathers
and body jewellery.

-David?
-[door opens]

Wow, things are really
coming together in here.

Oh, um, we're actually
not open yet.

But that's so sweet.
Thank you.

We've been
working very hard.

Well, I'm actually
not here to shop.

I'm Patrick.

I'm just dropping off
David's business licence.

Oh, isn't that
the cutest thing?

Um, David's in the back.

But I am Alexis,

and I'm currently
studying business,

and I'm David's sister
and life coach, so...

Well, it's great
to meet you, Alexis.

Uh, I'm sorry if my hands
are too soft.

I've just been sampling
a lot of product.

So really soft.
[chuckles]

They are.

Excuse me, Mrs Rose?
If I may, just a couple
of questions.

Were you surprised to get
such a big funding boost

for the municipalities?

That was quite a speech.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[laughs] What did I do?

Well, I was simply
channelled someone
who cares,

but if you insist
on referring to me
as the linchpin,

I'll take that.

That's right. We're...

We're just a couple
linchpins here. [laughs]

I'm Roland Schitt,
Moira's boss--

Yes, I'm the ingenue here.

A total babe
in the political woods.

That's true. You know,
this is her first RAMC.
[laughs]

But I think under my wing,
she's learning to fly.

-I've been mayor now for
about 10 years and I did--
-Thank you.

Okay, we'll talk when
you have more time to do--

There she is.
The woman of the hour.

Oh, my God, now they're
crowning me with titles.

Join us for drinks
in the diamond club.

The diamond club?
Hmm. That sounds grand.

Oh, it's the hotel bar.

They have a special
RAMC cocktail.

It's a sparkling
white Russian.

The trick is to get it down
before it curdles.

As appealing as you make
that sound, Roland,

I think I'll just
go to my room.

Oh, come on!

Look, I never
get this kind of...

I mean, our town
doesn't get recognised
like this very often,

and this time it's for
something really positive.

Okay. One drink.

This means a lot to you,
doesn't it?

Yes, and to you.

[chattering]

[Roland] Okay.

[all chanting]
Moira! Moira! Moira!

-Isn't it so soft?
-It is.

Whoa, might be tying it
a little tight there.
[chuckles]

Uh, that is actually
cat hair.

There's a Himalayan breeder
up the street

that knits them for us. Hi.

Hi. I'm just dropping off
your business licence

and activating my allergies.

Oh, in that case, you should
probably take that off.

-Yeah. Like now!
-Oh. Okay.

Isn't that the sweet thing
that he framed it.

Um. It is very sweet.
Thank you, Patrick.

Actually, they...
They all come framed.

Okay, thank God.

Because I was just thinking
that this frame

is a little too corporate
for my brand.

[Alexis] David, I was just
about to sample

the unisex Mennonite
cologne on Patrick.

Um, that's not a sample.

And you've sampled half
the store at this point.

So we still need to sell
all this stuff.

Okay, well I flattened out
the lip balm.

So no one's gonna notice.

There's a lot of stuff
in here, David.

You don't wanna spend
too much money up front.

Yeah, that is
not good, David.

You have to be prepared
to survive a full year
without making any profit.

Actually, the textbooks
now say 18 months.

Well, what are
the textbooks saying

about curating a selection
of products
from local vendors

and selling them
on consignment

in a one-stop-shop
retail environment

that benefits both
the vendor
and the customer?

Well, I don't have
my textbook on me.

I stand corrected.

Listen, if you need help,
I'm happy to help.

Why? Alexis is here helping.

Well, no, if Patrick has
offered to move
all the boxes,

then I think
we should let him.

Is that what I offered?

Okay, well, thank you,
Patrick.

You're welcome. Um, Okay.

So you can start by moving

all of those big things
of hand cream.

[mouthing] What?

[Moira] It's unbelievable,
John!

I had forgotten what
it was like to be feted.

-Moira?
-[Moira] What?

I can hardly hear you, John!

The cheering and
the accolades are drowning
out your gentle voice.

Oh, I take it
things went well?

I'm a game-changer, John--
Hey. Oh!

Uh, Gavin's brought out
the hard stuff,

so, darling,
I must sign off.

All right, well, have fun,
sweetheart,

and don't get
too carried away.

I'm networking, John!

Do you know
I'm actually good at this?

-Who are you talking to?
-It's my husband!

[all booing]

Uh, was that for me?

Why am I getting booed?

That's... Wait!
That's my man, Johnny!

Hey, Johnny, it's Roland!

Hey, we're all here at RAMC!

You should be here,
Mary-something is here.

Gavin is here.
The road salt guy--

Yeah, okay, Roland.

Good. I'm having a bit
of a night myself here.

[Roland] Come on!
[Moira] Stop! I have to talk
to my husband.

John. John.

Moira, you know,
it might be time
for a coffee.

And I'm gonna
let you go now.
And have fun, sweetheart.

We'll see you
in the morning.

-Goodbye, phone call!
-Goodbye, my darling.

All right.
Goodnight, sweetheart.

Oh, Moira, by the way,
I just picked up the new--

-[dial tone humming]
-Okay.

John, shut the blinds.

John, please.

[groans]

[sighs]

-Moira?
-Hmm?

[screams]

Roland!

What are you doing
in my room?

[scoffs]
What are you talking about?
This is my room.

Well, what the fuck are you
doing in your room?

Well, I was trying to sleep

until you started pounding
on the door,

telling me to whip you up
a salmon plate.

I finally let you in.
You flaked out on the bed.

Oh, my God.

[sighs]

Are you naked under there?

[laughs] Honey, what I do
in the privacy of my sheets

is my own business.

Oh, no. No. God, no.

Oh, God, no. No, dear God.

-Welcome to RAMC! [laughs]
-[whimpers] Oh, my God. No!

[door opening]

Jocelyn.

Almost didn't recognise
you over there.

Hey, Johnny.

It's been a morning,

but I don't have
to tell you that.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You've had a tough morning?

You're handling this
way better than I am.

Handling what better?

Roland and Moira
sleeping together.

[laughing] What?

At the conference
last night.

Yeah. No, no!

Let's just go back
to that previous sentence.

Ah, when you say
they slept together--

Well, Roland says
that they just slept

-in the same bed together.
-Uh-huh.

And he says
that nothing happened,

so I'm just trying to,
you know, process
all of this.

Oh, yes. Well,

aren't we all?

I mean,
I'm hearing about
this for the first time.

Moira didn't tell you?

Well, we chatted
this morning

about how successful
the night was,

but sleeping
with your husband

didn't really come up
as one of the reasons

the night was so successful.

And we probably
shouldn't read anything

into the fact that,
for some reason,

Moira decided
to hide this from you.

Oh, no, no. I wouldn't
say, "hide." No, no.

Because Moira was
so exhausted when she got in
this morning.

Maybe she was so exhausted
because she was up all night

-with her mitts all over--
-No, no, no.

I know Moira and she would
never in a million years
ever sleep with...

Anyone else.

It's just that I know
what it's like

to be in bed with a naked
Roland Schitt,

and I am powerless
against that.

He was naked?

He sleeps naked every night.

Do you wanna order something
to put chocolate sauce on?

No.

Um, David, I can swing
by the store

and help out after school,
if you want.

I also may need some more
of that lip balm
that I liked.

Okay. Um, I think we've had
enough of your help.

And unless you're planning
on purchasing that lip balm,

you're not getting
the lip balm.

Okay. It's called sweat
equity, David.

I learnt about it this week.

And that's when you help
someone out,

and then they give you
lip balm

or whatever else
you might need

in exchange for your time
and energy.

I think you might actually
need to break a sweat

in order to earn
sweat equity.

Okay, what if I got Patrick
to break a sweat for me.

That's called outsourcing.
Outsourcing--

Are you passing this
economics course?

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, I'm pretty sure.

Okay. Um, if you really
want the lip balm that bad,

there are a few things
around the store

that I could
use your help with.

Just an FYI,
Patrick won't be there.

So there won't be
anybody for you

to flirtatiously
boss around.

Okay, I hate to break this
to you, David,

but there will always be
somebody for me

to flirtatiously
boss around.

So what's going on there?

Oh, nothing.

He hasn't even asked
for my phone number,

which, in my experience,

means that he's either
newly married or he's gay.

Okay, so, like, if you're
sensing a vibe or something,

maybe that means
that his eye
is on somebody else.

He's a business major
that wears straight-legged,
mid-range denim.

He's not into me.

Okay, well it's either that,
or he's really
into the store,

which, no offence, seems
a lot less likely to me.

[whispering] Okay.

I think you missed a spot
on that page
with the highlighter.

Where?

[door opens]

Hello, Moira.

Hello, there,
love of my life.

Funny thing,
I just ran into Jocelyn.

Oh. How is Jocelyn?

Oh, she was a little upset.

Apparently, her husband
Roland spent the night
with you.

[laughs] I know.
Wasn't that funny?

Moira!

When were you gonna
tell me about this?

Ah, we talked about it
this morning, John!

-We laughed about it.
-We didn't laugh about it

because we didn't
talk about it.

I would have remembered
if you had said
something that funny.

It's inconsequential, John.

Just let it go. I have.

May I ask
what you're doing?

Um, I've decided to cut down
on my drinking.

-Unrelated, I assume?
-To what?

To you sleeping
with Roland last night.

Okay. This joke
has played itself out.

It was humorous
this morning--

We didn't talk about it
this morning!

Obviously, I didn't tell you
anything because
I was embarrassed.

I was riding high, John,
apparently really high,

after winning
what some people
called a landmark victory

for this
and many other towns.

Then I woke up in the last
place I'd ever want to be.

Well, can't say I'm not glad
to hear you say that.

Oh, John, I owe
an apology to you

and to sober people
everywhere.

Well, I knew nothing
happened, Moira.

It's just I was getting
a feeling

you weren't taking this
very seriously.

If I weren't, John,
would I be pouring this out?

Moira, that's my beer.

You don't even drink beer.

It's symbolic, John.

Uh-oh. I take it
you're here to tell me

that my business licence
has been revoked?

[laughs] No, no.
You're all good.

Okay. Um...

My sister isn't here, so...

I'm not here
for your sister.

Okay.

You know I've been
thinking about all this,

and these products
that Alexis was
showing me yesterday

are actually
really impressive.

I mean, the whole model
is actually
very sustainable.

Thank you.

But I think you're gonna
need some more
start-up money.

Oh. More start-up money.

-Hmm.
-Um...

And where do you think
I'll get that money?

Well, when you're supporting
local businesses,

there are grants
that you can apply for.

And I would be happy
to assist you
with those applications.

Well, that is very, um...
Very generous.

Well, I wouldn't be
doing it for free.

See, if the grants
came through,

you'd have the money
to start paying me.

-Okay.
-Um...

I really think you have
something here, David.

You just...
You just need some help.
You need a lot of help.

Okay. Um...

Well, uh, then, yes,

I am open to entertaining

your investment offer.

Great.

And in the interest
of us potentially
working together,

I did want to come clean
about something.

Okay.

[sighs] I, um...

I actually picked out
that frame.

I see.

So thank you for making it
very clear

that I will be making
the creative decisions
for the store.

Um, and I guess
you can handle
all the business stuff.

I'm very comfortable
with that.

Okay.

Um, and you do know that
if the grant money

doesn't come through,
then I won't--

Oh, I'm gonna get the money.

[whispering] Okay.

-Hello, Johnny.
-Roland.

Johnny, me and six
of my closest friends

were hoping we could
have a little chat.

Well, it's awfully late.

Johnny, I'm talking
about the beer.

No, I know. I know you're
talking about the beer.

It's just Moira's
in the shower.

She's been showering
most of the day, actually.

Good,

because I think it's best
that we talk man to man.

Ah!

Jocelyn and I spoke,

and she told me you're still
pretty upset, huh?

Look, if anyone was upset,
it was Jocelyn.

I was upset because
Jocelyn was upset.

All right, pal.
Well, I'm here to put
your mind at ease, okay?

I am 99.999% sure

that nothing happened
between me and your wife.

I'm 100% sure,
and I wasn't even there.

Well, I sure was.

[laughing]

All of me.

You know, I spent
35 minutes this morning

inspecting every inch
of my body for bite marks,

back scratches,
lipstick prints,

and I couldn't find
anything.

Well, there was
this one thing
on the bottom of my foot,

but I think that may have
been there before.

-I really don't know.
-You know what, Roland?

I think I'm gonna
ask you to leave

because Moira's coming out
soon, and I really don't--

Want to tempt fate twice.
I got it.

No, no. I don't think
you do got it.

And not to put too fine
a point on it, Roland,

but my wife would never
go out for a burger

when she has a strong
penchant for steak.

-Good night, Roland.
-Breakfast tomorrow, right?

-Good night, Roland.
-Okay.

Don't worry. It's only me.

Ha-ha, very droll, Mr Rose.

Thought I'd announce myself

just in case you were
expecting somebody else.

Is living with that blackout
not punishment enough?

[chuckles] You know,
I meant to ask, Moira,

what were the amenities like
in that hotel room?

High-pressured water,
down pillows?

I'll never know.

I had my one chance
at a proletarian oasis,

and I squandered it,
passed out on Roland's bed.

You slept with Roland?

No, she didn't.

She found herself
in his bed.

-Mom slept with Roland?
-Yes, apparently.

I will not be tried
and condemned

by the likes of you two.

-So what's gonna happen now?
-Yeah.

Is there gonna be like
a custody battle over us?

David, stop.

We're gonna have to, like,
spend weekends

over at Roland's now, or...

Good night, Alexis.

Do we call him Uncle Roland?

All right, that's enough,
David.

No, I mean, I get it.
Roland is the Mayor,

and it's very difficult
to work with someone
who you're attracted to.

Yeah, like you and Ted.

No, we're making fun of Mom
and Dad right now, David.

-Oh.
-And we're done.
Back to your rooms.

[Alexis] Ooh.

Um, I just want you to know

that no matter
what anyone says,

you will always be
our first dad.

-Good night.
-Okay.