All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E06.WEB-DL.NF.en

[Jocelyn]
Okay, Jazzagals, let's

gather in for a warm-up!

Okay!

Oh, before we start,

I just wanted
warn everybody,

there is a murderer
on the loose.

In this town.

Uh oh.

So, heads up,
eyes peeled, guys.

[Moira] Twyla,
are you all right?

I will be...

If I can get a few friends
together this weekend

to catch this murderer.

Until then, it shall remain
a mystery!

Oh, I think I know where
this is going!
[chuckles]

It's my murder mystery party
this weekend.

Oh, I see!

Sorry if I scared anyone.

I was scared you weren't
gonna have it this year!

John and I used to attend
Eyes Wide Shut parties
with the Castros.

Though I'm guessing your
evening's activities

might be somewhat different.

I don't know,

it can get pretty wild.

Oh, yeah, you never know
how the evening's gonna end!

Or when!

Well, John and I would love
to help you ensnare
this maniac,

but we have plans
this Saturday night.

Oh, well, the party's
actually Friday.

I had a 50/50 chance there.

So you can come?

Oh, I would be pleased
to RSVP as...

Pending.

Just, uh, as soon
as I double check,

and circle back.

Oh, this is gonna be
so great!

1:00 p.m., terrific.

Yeah, looking forward.

Bye.

Did somebody book a room?

Even better, someone might
book a room.

How is that better?

A lot of people might book
a room if this goes through.

Okay, but you're still using
the word "might."

That was the Elm Glen
Golf Club.

They wanna put together
a package with us.

A weekend of golf,

and a stay at
a luxurious motel.

What motel is that?

I'm gonna let them
work out the verbiage,

but the upshot is this.

On a $250 package,

a cool $40 goes into
our pockets.

That sounds like a better
deal for them.

Well, it's all about
building bridges, Stevie.

But here's the thing,

even if this deal
falls through,

we still get an afternoon
on a golf course!

We?

This is a big day for us,
Stevie!

You know it's been
three years

since I've played a round
of golf?

Yeah, um... Golf's
not really my thing.

Except there was
this one point in
high school

where I got this haircut
that everyone said

made me look like I was
in the LPGA.

Well, listen, I'm sure
you could use

an afternoon outdoors, okay?

Think of it as
a team-building exercise.

Okay.

I might even let you drive
the cart.

-Can you drink on the cart?
-Yeah.

Well, I will get the
"back in 15 minutes" sign.

Well, it's gonna take longer
than 15 minutes.

You have to give
people hope.

So, Mrs Rose,

I don't mean
to pressure you,

but I am anxious to know--

Understandably, yes.
BLT, please, no bread.

Oh, I meant if
you were coming

to the murder mystery party.

Oh that, yes.

Yes, you are?

It's just that it's the end
of the week, Twyla,

so that's always
chockablock.

And then there
are the kids...

Well, both of them,
David, Alexis.

Well, I know you're busy,
I was just, I don't know,

I was just hoping you'd
bring a little something

to the party.

A touch of celebrity,
perhaps.

-I was actually thinking
bagel bites.
-Ah!

Did I mention it was
a potluck?

Oh, you most certainly
did not.

Well, I would ask
someone else,

it's just that uh,
so far no one is coming.

No one's coming
to your party?

Well, in fairness, the party
is still a few hours away...

And some people did say
that if another thing

that's supposed to happen
doesn't happen,

then they might be able
to come.

So, that's good.

So, as of now you have
no one on your guest list?

Well, I shouldn't have
said no one.

My mom will come,

and she'll probably bring
whoever she's dating.

And he'll most likely bring
some younger friend.

Twyla, this is unacceptable!

There are myriad tactics
to boost numbers
at your party.

Well, you start by comping
a few influential guests.

You'd be shocked
at how many celebrities
show up to a thing

with the promise of a free
wagyu slider.

I, I'm not charging anyone,
this is just for fun.

Oh, this is worse
than I assumed!

How about
a signature cocktail?

I hadn't thought of that.

-Okay, shouldn't you be...
-Oh, yeah.

Okay, we're going to start
with follow-up.

You secure your VIP list,

and you work your way down
from there.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Where's Stevie?
-Um, I don't know, but she
will be back in 15 minutes.

What are you doing?

I'm checking the mail.

Did you know that you can
still get mail?

Yes, I know about mail.

No, but I'm talking
about, like, mail mail.

Like, a little man
in a uniform,

with his satchel full
of letters,

travelling door to door.

Um, that's a mailman,

and he comes to your house,
you pay him,

and he gives you your stuff.

I think it's free delivery,
David.

-I don't think so...
-Mmm...

How far into the 15 minutes
do you think we are?

Okay, don't take this
the wrong way,

but you've just been kind of
hanging around a lot lately,

-which isn't a bad thing.
-Mmm-hmm.

But it's also not
a good thing.

Yeah, um...

It's just that the town only
has so many ex-boyfriends

to hand out secretary work.

Um, first of all, David,

-I am an assistant,
not a secretary.
-Oh.

And, second of all,
Ted is not my ex-boyfriend,

he is my ex-fiance.

And I'll have you know

that I might not be
an assistant
for much longer.

What is this?

-It's Elmdale College.
-Oh.

Ted and I have been talking
about me doing, like,

an accounting course,

or an office management
course,

but I think I can maybe
broaden my horizons a bit.

You've circled
stars and cosmology?

Oh yeah, I thought it said
cosmetology.

Ugh!

Can I just... For a sec?

Here is Jocelyn's visor,

and her glove.

Oh, uh, I don't think
I'm gonna be playing,

but thanks.

Okay, you know what,
just in case you
change your mind,

why don't I show you
a few pointers?

I can do it right here
on Johnny.

Oh, I don't think so.

I mean, a few pointers
couldn't hurt.

Oh, I don't think
that's necessary.

Here, come on, Jonathan.

-Okay, whoa.
-Come on down.

Right there, let me see
your stance,
what do you got going here?

Well, the setup is very
important, Stevie.

Uh, legs so far apart,

-knees slightly bent.
-Ooh!

Make sure you're nice
and balanced over the ball.

Wow. Woo!

Johnny, I gotta tell you,
you have a sensational
stance.

Well, I've been golfing
for 30 years, Roland.

[Roland] Wow, I like that.

There's one thing I don't
like about it,

and let me show it to you.

I don't think I was asking.

Well, I think it's better
that we show Stevie,

than just talk about it,
don't you?

Right? Okay.
So just first off,

spread your legs just
a little wider,
if you would, for me.

-All right.
-There, see, Stevie?

They've gotta be like,
sort of like even
with the shoulders,

And if you would just pop
the old tush...

Just go, bam!

That's it, and now loosen up
a little bit.

-Okay.
-Yeah!

All right,
you know what Roland?

I think I should be
showing you,

because I don't really
think you know

what you're... Doing.

[Johnny] Okay now grip,
very important.

-Yeah huh.
-Are you using
the Vardon Grip?

I am using
[speaks with French accent]
la Vardon.

Are you watching this,
Stevie?

Yeah, it was just a little
hard to understand,

so I want a record of it.

-Okay, delete that, please!
-Can I get a copy of that?

Yeah.

-Oh hi, Moira.
-Hi.

I thought that Roland
might still be here.

No, it seems our mayor
is keeping summer hours.

Gotcha.

Jocelyn...

It's really good to see
you out and about.

Yes, I was
starting to worry.

-Why?
-Well, I happened
to be chatting

with our dear little Twyla
about her party tonight,

and she mentioned that you
have yet to RSVP?

And I thought, that's not
the Jocelyn I know.

What must've felled her?

I'm fine. Here's the thing.

These parties are not great.

Last year it went
until 3:00 a.m.,

and Twyla just
wandered around kind of
winking at everybody

until she realised
she hadn't picked
a murderer.

And then the year before
there were three murderers,

and one of them actually
robbed the cafe!

Well, I hear this year is
going to be very different.

Twyla apparently
sought counsel.

Expect thoughtful
party favours,

themed cocktails,

first-class catering.

I thought it was a potluck?

You, Jocelyn,
are the Mayor's wife,

you are the self-appointed
leader of the Jazzagals,

and most importantly,

Twyla worships you.

She does?

Yes. This party has real
momentum now.

And with you attached,

it's no less than a snowball
gathering speed,

picking up bodies
as it rolls downhill.

-And that's good?
-Very good.

Hmm.

Well, I guess I could talk
to the other Jazzagals.

I just wish I hadn't
thrown out
that flapper dress

from Halloween last year.

-Oh!
-Spread the word!

Be the snowball.

Be the snowball!

Okay, it's just that
I misplaced

my high school diploma
when we lost our house.

No, I wish it was a flood.

Okay, well, chasing down
the paperwork

seems like a lot of work.

No, I know that...

I know that your courses
require a lot of work,

I'm just... What if it was
a flood?

Okay, fine. I will call
you back with paperwork.
Thanks.

Um, what's going on?

Are you looking
at courses now?

Um, I'm just putting
some feelers out.

A lot of people have
encouraged me

to build on the skills
I acquired

as creative director
of the Blouse Barn, so.

Like who?

I thought it could be
good for me.

Okay, well, this is sort
of my thing, though.

I really don't think
you can claim education
as your thing.

And I don't even
think I'll be able
to take those courses

'cause the stupid people
at the college

wouldn't just take my word
for it

when I told them that I had
a high school diploma.

But why do you need it,
though?

To prove that I graduated
high school.

Well, it's not like
they're gonna be like,

"Oh, you don't have
your high school diploma,

you can't come
to our college."

That's almost word for word

what they said to me
on the phone.

-Well...
-I just don't think I have
that kind of time.

-Okay, what are you doing?
-Reorganising my knits!

-Oh, there they are.
-Oh.

Mr Rose, Ms Budd.

Yes, please call me Johnny.

Always nice to put a face
to the name.

Oh, I see you two came
dressed for the occasion.

Always ready.

-I like your visor.
-Thanks, it's new.

So, I hear there's quite
a few new developments
at your motel.

Uh, we'd love to hear
about them,

why don't we have a seat?

Oh, you wanna have
the meeting inside,

on a day like this?

Sorry, did you think
we'd be playing a round?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We, we had a meeting earlier
at another club,

and they wanted us
to test drive the course,

so we're in the attire.

Oh, where were you playing?

Uh, we were playing at um...

It was what course, Stevie?

It was down the road.

Uh, Maple...

-Grove?
-Grove. Maple Grove.

Maple Grove?

No, I don't know that one.

Oh, really?
It's a beautiful course.

Very exclusive,
uh, but it is set...

Way back off
the road, it's...

Which might explain why
you've never seen
or heard of it.

Yeah.

[Johnny] So every room
will have Wi-Fi,

and upgraded beds,
uh, working toilets,

which probably sounds
like something

I don't need to mention
but, you know, just covering
all the bases.

Well, that sounds great.

Um, it's just that um...

We've been talking to
the Elmington Moto-Lodge,

and they've got coin
laundry, and a Jacuzzi.

Well, we can certainly
put in a Jacuzzi.

Yeah, Jacuzzis are very
popular with our golfers.

Well, as an avid
golfer myself,

I can tell you that
when you buy a golf package,

you don't necessarily want
to spend the entire weekend

sitting in your room.

[chuckling]

Well, thanks for coming by.

And definitely
let us know when
you've got that Jacuzzi.

Yes, we, uh, we will.

I guess that's all,
that's it, now, thanks.

Yeah, well, listen,
it's, uh, still early.

Do you guys have any other
plans this afternoon?

We have another meeting.

Ah, well, you know
what they say,

too much work...

[all chuckling]

-Well, thanks for coming in.
-Okay.

You go on ahead. I'm just
gonna go use the restroom.

Oh, sure, might as well use
some of the amenities.

Hey.

Um, you know those courses
we were talking about?

Oh, yeah, I thought that
data management one

looked like it might be
good for you.

Mmm-hmm, yeah, I had
the same thought,

but when I looked into it,
all the courses were full.

And then the courses
that weren't full

conflicted with each other,

and then everything
just cancelled out.

Alexis, if you don't
wanna take the course,

you don't have to take
the course.

No, there were courses
that did look
very interesting.

Um, it's just kind of
complicated.

Yeah, but it's so worth it.

Sometimes I wish I could go
back to college.

Pub nights, frisbee
in the quad...

-Hmm!
-Late night hacky sack.

-Mmm.
-We got some serious
sack circles going.

Oh, so many sex circles.

Sack. Hacky sack.

We always hoped
they'd lead to sex,

but... Still.

College, so crazy.

So crazy.

[Alexis] Um...

Okay, the thing is...

I can't go to college,

yet.

Because I didn't finish
high school.

-Oh.
-I know. It's
so embarrassing

I never should've taken
that semester off.

But I did meet Beyonce
in Mykonos,

so it was almost worth it.

Didn't you say
on your resume

that you did four years
at UCLA?

Yes... Technically,

if you consider Bel-Air
an extension of the campus,

which everybody does.

This might sound crazy,

but I almost think I should
finish high school.

That doesn't sound crazy
at all.

And truth be told,

it took me a minute
to finish high school
myself.

You're only saying that
to make me feel better.

No, no, me and some friends,
we just got in a car,

-and took off.
-Really?

Yeah, we were following
the American Idol tour.

We missed a couple shows,

but it's always the exact
same set,

so... No regrets.

Um, I really wish
you hadn't told me
that last little bit,

but... Thank you.

That makes two of us.

-Good round?
-Not bad.

Greens are a little fast,
but I like that.

Me too.

I've given a heads-up
to the starter.

The tee is yours.

Have a great round, you two.

Thanks so much.

How did you
make that happen?

I asked.

Well, that's very nice,
Stevie!

Thank you.

Okay, let's get
our golf sticks.

David,

and why am I not surprised
to see you in here?

Well, this is my room.

Well, it's disheartening
to see you like this.

Did you know that
according to IMDb,

Rosa Parks was in an episode
of Touched by an Angel?

Exactly, David.

You are bored, lethargic,

and practically dripping
with ennui!

Okay, that's a bit much.

I blame myself.

I've set a standard
of activity
and engagement

so high you don't even try.

Okay, I am on a much
needed respite

whilst in between jobs.

You are squandering
your social capital.

A tastemaker like you
should be out there,

tasting things!

Uh, I'm at the buffet,

and there is nothing
to taste.

Well, there's a party
tonight, as a matter
of fact.

-The murder mystery thing?
-Why not?

Does this town not deserve
to have a marquee

guest like yourself

grace their humble soiree?

Speaking of marquee guests,

I'm surprised you're going.

I can understand why
you'd say that,

but don't you just know
Twyla would be thrilled

to have as many Roses there
tonight as possible!

[sighs]

Fine, I will make
a surprise appearance.

-Good.
-But it's twice
around the room

-and then I'm out.
-Is there any other way?

Oh, and it's
roaring twenties themed,

and I know you have
a soft spot
for seersucker.

I won't be dressing up.

Aw, say, don't be
a dewdropper!

Throw some concealer
under those peepers,

make like a swell,
and go put on the ritz!

Woo. Good golf shot!

Thank you, Stevie.

Ah...

John, are you going
to be done soon?

Just working on my short
game, Moira.

Stevie and I are pitching
Oak Valley next week,

I just wanna make sure
I'm ready.

Well, the endless tinking
of putter to ball

tells me you will be.

Well, it's for the motel.

It's not like...
I'm enjoying this.

-[telephone ringing]
-Oh!

Beautiful! See that?

[clears throat]

Rose residence.

Uh, where are you?

May I ask who's calling?

You know who this is,
and you know where I am.

Did everyone show up?

Yes, everybody showed up.

Good, then my work is done.

Uh, no, your job
is not done.

You guilted me into coming
here tonight!

And you're better off
for it, David.

You should thank me.

Twyla was set to throw
a fiasco until I exerted
my influence.

Uh, yeah, and the way
Twyla keeps asking

about where you are,

I'm pretty sure
you're the murderer.

Then they'll never catch me.

Ugh!

Who was that?

I don't know.

Alexis, we sent you
to high school in
Switzerland

because we trusted you!

That school cost
$250,000!

I know, and I felt
so bad about it.

And that is why I missed
my final semester.

Wait a minute,
we were at the graduation!

-Yeah!
-I know, but I wasn't.

We saw you there!

-Did we, though?
-Yeah, we were there.

We might not have stayed
through the R's.

I think we left halfway
through the L's.

Oh, yeah, it got
very repetitive.

No, I distinctly remember
a celebratory lunch

at the Hotel de Ville,
in Crissier,

and you'd had that
unfortunate run-in

with the spray tan machine.

-Mmm-mmm.
-No, that was...
That was me.

Ah! Yeah!

Then how do you explain
this graduation photo?

Huh?

That's Jess Chang!

What? Jess Chang?

[Alexis] Ugh!

Well, who can tell
with all this hair
in front of your face.

That's not my face!

Okay, why didn't anyone
come to my graduation?

Well, you didn't graduate
in Switzerland.

And whose fault is that?

How long have you been
carrying that around
in your wallet?