All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E05.WEB-DL.NF.en

[key turning]

Hi.

Hi.

Um, your agent called.
Do you have any safety pins?

My agent?

-Which one?
-Uh,

I think the assistant
said her name was Jennifer?

Ginnifer?
Or Jennifer with a "G"?
There's more than one.

They sent you an email.

Is it a job?

I don't know,
do I look like Ginnifer?

David, your inability
to retain information

that doesn't directly
pertain to you

might actually require
medical attention.

Are they sending a script?

David,
there's nothing here but

"Hot singles in my area."

No, wait, wait.

[gasps] David, it's an
audition for a feature film!

Well, that sounds promising.

"Attractive and spunky
40-something female."

In my sleep.

"Respected ornithologist
Dr Clara Mandrake

in the psychological
thriller The Crows
Have Eyes II."

It's a sequel. That's good.

It must mean the first one
was a big success.

I've never heard of it.

Well, they want me
to put myself on tape.

David, do you still
have that camera?

Go get it, please.

And a drop cloth.

And a ring light.

I could probably prop my
phone up against some books.

[exhales]
And so it begins again.

[door opens]

Good morning.

I'd like to book some rooms,
please.

Oh! Well, that's wonderful!

Good. Good.

Uh, is there a problem?

Uh, no. No problem.

I can, uh,
certainly handle this.

My associate usually
works the computer,

but, uh...

Let's get you booked.

I'd like to book
three rooms.

Three rooms?

Okay.

Now will that be,
uh, three...

-[computer chimes]
-...separate, uh, bookings?

You see, there's
a conference over
in Elmdale,

and, uh, I was hoping to use
the motel as

a kind of a breakout space
to conduct my
own business out of,

-for the next two days...
-[computer chiming]

-...during the afternoons.
-[keyboard clacks rapidly]

Okay, we...
we seem to be having a...

a bit of a problem
with the system here,

but, uh, not to worry.

-Are you new at this?
-[computer chimes]

Ish. [chuckles]

Well, not to complicate
things for you even more,

um, Johnny, but...

I would love it if we could
work out some kind
of a discounted deal,

seeing as we're not gonna be
needing the rooms

during the evenings.

Okay, um...

tell you what.

Why don't I, uh,
go to a fresh...

page, uh, here,

and we'll get this done
lickety-split? Okay.

So...

[hushed] I would love
to pay cash.

[exhales sharply]

Even better.

[Moira] From what
I understand,

it's between me
and one other actress.

Congratulations, Mrs Rose!

Who's the other actress?

-Well, they haven't
found her yet.
-Oh.

But if all goes
according to plan...
[knocks]

they'll be flying me out
for a screen test.

Moira, I was just
thinking about you.

Well, thank you.

What if we switched parts?

-Switch parts?
-For the duet next week.

Oh, Jocelyn, the duet.

I must apologise,

there seems to have been
a change of plans.

Moira's gonna be in a movie!

-A movie?
-Well... [clears throat]

I'm sure you've seen
The Crows Have Eyes.

This would be the second
in the franchise.

-Wow.
-Mmm-hmm.

I have never heard of it,
but congratulations.

Thank you.

Shame about
the duet, though.

Yeah, we were gonna have
a pretty incredible audience

for the performance
next week.

Big tour group coming
through, so...

Then you'll cut the number.

No, I don't...
I don't think that's
a possibility, actually.

Twyla...

what if you took Moira's
part for the duet next week?

[gasps] I would be honoured.

God, it'd be such big
shoes to fill.

No, Twyla, no.

No deprecatory mocking.

One must champion oneself
and say,

"I am ready for this!"

[chuckles]
Otherwise, the pressure
could be crippling.

Look at this filth.

-"Community centre
adds ramp."
-No, this.

He says the comma's a typo,

but it has run that way
three years in a row.

Who is this person?

He looks like if Ricky
Martin and Mark Consuelos
had a baby.

It's a competition,
and he's selling his body
to get clients.

It's disgusting.

You could probably take
just as sexy a photo
if you wanted to.

I could definitely
take just a...

I don't want to.

Let me ask you
this question,

why should the person who is
performing surgery on your
pet have to have a six pack?

-You have a six pack.
-That's not the point!

And it's not a full six yet,
that's why I'm shredding
right now.

I don't know, it looks like
a pretty smart
campaign to me.

If he wants to sell sex,

then he should just get
a job down at the Dude Cave!

He'd make more money
than being a vet.

Um, what's the Dude Cave?

It's the all-male strip club
outside of town.

My cousin Dwayne works
there, he drives a Corvette.

Okay.

Listen, you might wanna
think about spicing up
your approach a little bit.

The bottom line is that
I did not go to med school

just to exploit
innocent puppies

as a cover for my
extreme vanity.

But people love
extreme vanity.

And they love puppies,
so you have to give them
at least one of the two.

-I don't know.
-[sighs]

Oh! What about the bunnies
that we have up
for adoption?

We can set up, like,
a little bunny cam

and stream it live
from our clinic.

That is very popular with
people who hate their jobs,

or are in loveless
marriages.

Are those the people
we wanna be targeting?

Well, it's free marketing,

and you can find
little homes

for those little bunnies
that don't have any houses.

Fine.

But if those bunnies feel
exploited even a little bit,

-I am pulling the plug.
-Yes.

Honeypea.

[Moira] Okay...

This is really taking
me back.

[clears throat]

Okay, David, I'll need you
to count me in.

Okay, um, from what?

Start from five,

you leave out the two,
and the one.

Okay, why?

Because it's my process.

Okay.

Um, five, four...

-One.
-[mobile beeps]

Look what you've done!

Look at it lying there,
lifeless.

Yet, in its eyes,

I see darkness.

It's just a crow,
Mrs Mandrake.

Dr Mandrake.

And you must be
kidding yourself

if you think more
are not coming.

They always do.

They're watching you,
Gareth.

The crows have eyes,

and you better not
look them in it.

Uh, it... it's just a flock
of crows, Dr Mandrake.

What's the worst
that can happen?

[sighs]

Oh, you'll see!

And it's not a flock,
my dear boy...

it's a murder.

Yes, I said murder.

Gareth, murder!

-Sorry, um, this is...
-[mobile beeps]

...just one big rip off
of The Birds.

This is about crows!
It's much more specific.

And the dialogue.

Uh, "Look,
they've taken Clara!

Where are they
carrying her to, Clara?"

Are there two Claras?

It's a common name.

Yeah, the next scene
takes place in
a large bird's nest.

Rarely is the material
of quality,

the challenge is to lift it
off the page.

And I think part
of the problem, David,

is that I'm getting
nothing from you.

It's like working off
a corpse.

I actually think you do
play off a corpse
in the next scene

and if I'm being
perfectly honest,

this is all playing
a bit big.

[scoffs]

Big?

-Yeah.
-And would that be a note?

A note, coming from my son?

Who I carried for almost
a full seven months,

to an actress who has
been short-listed

for more than seven major

made-for-television
motion pictures?

The script is nothing more
than a jumping off point.

Oh, okay.

Let's take it again,
I'll count myself in.
[clears throat]

-[faintly] Five, four,
three, two...
-[mobile beeps]

[door opens]

[Johnny] Great news!

Your new partner
just booked three rooms

before you even got in
this morning.

Wow.

Ha.

"Three rooms, two days,

afternoons only, Trish."

What's "afternoons only"?

Well, I gave her a discount

because she's only using
the rooms during the day.

Oh, so you're renting
our rooms by the hour?

We haven't had a guest
in four days.

What are they using
the rooms for?

Well, she didn't say.

Just conducting
her business out of them.

Right. And you know
what that means.

-No.
-Yeah.

No, I...
I don't believe you.

Let me guess,
this has something to do

with the accountants'
conference?

Yes.

No, no, you're mistaken.

Stevie, she would've
disclosed that information

if that were the case.

-Really?
-No.

But look, if it makes you
feel any better,

we'll... we'll go
and check it out.

But when it turns out
I'm right,

and it's just a group
of business professionals

decompressing
for a few hours

during a long day
at a regional accountants'
conference,

then... then I expect
a full apology.

You don't hear it,
when you say it like that?

I hear it a bit.

[crickets chirping]

[door opens]

-Hi.
-Come look at this.

Look at the bunnies!

[groans and gasps]

Cute!

This isn't one of those
animal rights viral videos
where the bunnies go through

a meat processor in the end,
is it?

Ew, no, David.

I set this up to get people
to visit Ted's website.

Poor thing is, like,
out of it when it comes
to selling himself.

There are 200 people
watching this, David.

That's, like, double your
Instagram followers.

Okay, my account is private,
thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

There's Ted.

Yeah, sometimes he comes
in and out.

Um...

Ted is taking
his clothes off.

You wish, David.

[stammering]
No, Ted is getting naked
on your webcam.

[Alexis] Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!

I emailed our entire client
list about this, David.

I emailed his parents!

I'm obsessed with this.

This is incredible!

-[both gasp]
-No, no, no, no, no, no!

-Ted looks good.
-Yeah, he does.

-David, he looks
really good.
-Okay, that's gross.

Okay, so...

[Alexis gasps]

David!

Oh, hi.

Hi. Uh, I and my associate,

just wanted to come by
and check on you,

and see how you're enjoying
your multiple room stay?

Oh, we're doing just fine,
thank you.

Good, good, good.

Because we've heard through
the rumour mill that, um,

there have been some
unannounced visitors,

uh, staying in the rooms
we rented you.

Visitors who may be engaging
in mature,

if not adult activities.

And?

And that's something
we didn't discuss.

-Miss, if I were
to tell you--
-Oh, no, no,

-I got it immediately, and I
wasn't even there, so...
-Okay, well, unfortunately,

we're gonna have to ask you
to shut it down.

Oh, you have nothing
to worry about, Mr Rose.

We're a very high-end
operation,
and very discreet.

Besides, people are
making love in these rooms,

whether they rent
by the day, the week,
or the hour.

Yeah...

Yeah, well...

point taken.

Wow.

[knocks lightly on door]

Hey, you know,
I've tried to add

an extra half hour
to my morning run,

but my body just isn't
having it.

-Well, you look great.
-Thanks.

-Um, about the bunny cam...
-I know, it's a huge hit!

We've gotten, like, nine
new customers overnight.

And some of them
don't even have pets,

they just want to discuss
whether or not
they should get a pet.

Ted, the camera can see you.

Okay. So should I, like,
wave or something,
next time?

Nope, the camera
can see you...

like, after your run.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Why didn't you tell me
the camera could see me

when I get back
from my runs?

I just noticed.

Actually, David noticed
first last night,

but that's exactly when
there is a huge spike
in the website.

-I'm worse than Dr Miguel.
-No, you didn't know.

Although there was a moment
last night

where it looked like
you might have known,

and you were doing
this, like,

-thing with your hips.
-Alexis!

No, I know.
Of course you didn't know.

Of course.

Um, don't worry, I'm gonna
take it down right now.

Wait.

You said you saw a spike
in the website views?

People were, um, very
concerned as to
whether or not

you would get your
pants on successfully.

Well...

who's to say that people
weren't watching
for the bunnies?

I am, that's what
I'm saying.

I feel that until
these guys are adopted,

we can't take it down,
that'd be bad for business,

for the bunnies' sake.

I'll just have to be more
careful next time.

Um, hello, who are you,
and what did you do
with Theodore Mullins?

Well, what can I say,
sometimes I like
to live dangerously...

while still respecting
my personal boundaries.

Yes.

[Ted chuckles]

[Moira] David!

What is it?

-It's an email.
-Mmm-hmm!

Subject line,
"The crows have eyes II."

-Mmm-hmm.
-And?

I don't know, I'd like you
to read it, please.

[David sighs]

-You booked it.
-Oh!

David! I did?

What'd they say about me?

They need you to sign
the contract.

Well, that's standard!
What are the terms?

Ooh, it's filming in Bosnia.

Um, in a city that
I don't...

I don't know the name
of the city,

I can't pronounce it,
a lot of consonants.

I did not know that.

But I've always loved
shooting on location,

it allows one to focus
on the work.

Hmm. Um, it's being released
in Bosnia,

Croatia,

Herzegovina.

Before opening
internationally!

You have to fly
yourself there?

Mmm, that doesn't
sound right.

Ooh, accommodation
is covered.

Thank God.

You'll be put up with
a local family.

Close to the set?

They're paying you scale.

But it'll be
in Baltic currency.

Do you want me
to keep going?

No, read to yourself.

-There's a death waiver?
-[sighs] Oh.

You can close the computer.

Yeah, but we haven't even
gotten to the section
on bird safety yet.

Shut it! Now.

What if...

Hmm.

No, thank you.

Have a nice rest of the day.

Hey, Johnny. Wow.

This place is hopping.

Yeah, well, it's, uh...
it's been a busy week.

Uh-huh. You know,
I gotta tell you, when I
first heard that Stevie

was hitching her wagon
to your cart,

the first thing that came
into my mind was,

"Whoa, Nelly, that horse
is in big trouble."

A convoluted metaphor,
but, um--

But I've gotta say,
you've proven me wrong,

I mean, obviously, you're
doing something right here.

Yeah, well, once again,
thanks for coming by,
Roland.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Johnny, look,

I know it makes you
uncomfortable

when somebody gets real
with you,

uh, but could we just
have one minute
when I compliment you,

and you don't go all,
"Ooh, Roland, my generation,

we don't talk about
our feelings.

We keep 'em all
[growls] inside."

Yeah, well, that's not it,
but once again,
thanks for coming by.

-Hey, one of you guys Ken?
-Ken? No.

Hi.

I'm Roland, Roland Schitt,
mayor.

-Roland Schitt.
-Kitty.

Kitty, how are you?

Are you enjoying your...
your stay in our town?

-It's been really good.
Mmm-hmm.
-Oh.

Hmm.

So, Roland, look, why don't
we head down to the office
if we, uh, wanna chat?

Who's Ken?

Well, Ken is probably
her husband.

Uh-huh, and she doesn't know
what he looks like?

-Gentlemen.
-[grunts softly]

Uh-huh.

-Excuse me.
-You betcha.

[laughs] Oh, Johnny.

Well, I see why you've had
such a great week.

Okay, I don't know
what you're implying,

but I don't like your tone.

Johnny, please.

This little operation has
been on the council's radar

for quite a while now,

and I'm sorry, but that was
no Sunday school teacher
coming outta here.

Okay, look, this whole
thing was a mistake.

This whole thing.

But I'm...
but I'm working on it,

I'm working to shut it down,
quickly.

Well, I'm really happy
to hear that,
because I would hate

to have to assert my mayoral
authority in a situation
like this, yes?

Yeah, and nobody wants
to avoid that more than me.

Good. Okay.

Well, you know what, I'm
glad I helped you fix your,
uh, broken moral compass.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with my moral compass, but--

All right, well,
why don't we tell
Kitty that?

[snickers]

[laughs]

Oh, I'd love to see that!

So I was thinking,
for the chorus...

-Yeah?
-...we could sway,
like we're actually

-islands in the stream.
-Oh, yeah, that's good.

Hi, I'm here!

Moira! What about
your big movie?

Oh, that, they're still
hounding me, but...

I took a moment
to stop and think

about what is really
important in life,

and while the Bosnian
Riviera is a majestic
locale...

it can't hold a candle
to singing

with you wonderful
working women here,

in our makeshift
rehearsal studio.

Well, I'm flattered,

but, um, Twyla's been
working on your part
for the duet,

and I really don't think
that that would be

in the spirit of things
to take that from her.

But the song was my idea,
Jocelyn.

John and I made David
to that song,

in Positano.

Hey, why don't we just
show you how we're doing,

and you can offer up
some professional advice,

for now.

Okay.

[Jocelyn clears throat]

[clears throat]

♪ From one lover to another
Uh-huh ♪

-♪ Islands in the stream ♪
-[Moira singing
in other language]

-♪ That is what we are ♪
-♪ K-H-E-O-K! ♪

[Jocelyn and Twyla]
♪ No one in between ♪

-[Moira continues singing
in other language]
-♪ How can we be wrong ♪

[Jocelyn and Twyla]
♪ Sail away with me
To another world ♪

[Moira sings loudly]

♪ And we rely on each other
Uh-huh ♪

[Moira] ♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Making love
to each other ♪

[Moira continues singing
in other language]

-♪ Uh-huh ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪