All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E03.WEB-DL.NF.en

What are these sad
print-outs?

They're for a proposal
I plan on making
to the family.

And what kind of proposal
is this, Mr Rose?

Are the police auctioning
off crime scene vehicles?

No, these are only examples
for the proposal.

I think it's time
we invest in a car.

I really don't see myself
driving any of these.

Now, these are
just examples.

Yeah, I would rather
drive a scooter.

And we all know
how I feel about scooters,
those stupid helmets.

All right, let's forget
the print-outs, all right?

I just think...
We could use a car.

Everyone has a car!

Roland has a car,
Bob has three cars.
Stevie has a car.

I want a car!

Does this site have boats?

Okay, here's what
I put together.

-Is that a spreadsheet?
-Yes. Yes, it is.

And if you'd just let me
finish the pitch
the way I planned it,

things will be
a lot more clear.

Okay, well, I'm gonna need
the car on Friday nights.

Absolutely not.

Meaning that I would
get it Saturday.

We don't even have
the car yet!

Okay, we're just trying
to work within
your schedule.

Oh, this is not your best
pitch, darling.

I haven't even started
the pitch, Moira.
Okay, you know what?

I'm buying a car!

End of story.

Where are you going?

Here.

You know, really don't have
to go with me, Moira.

Oh, I insist.

This is a big decision,
and there's no reason

it should rest solely
on your shoulders, dear.

You know, I actually
like buying cars.

And you're very good at it.

But sometimes your choices
are less suited
to a family's needs,

and more suited
to a ponytailed lothario

cruising down
the Monte Carlo coast.

Or like, um, Vin Diesel.

It's called "style", people.

[scoffs]

And you're brimming with it,
darling.

But each of us is going
to drive this,

and a car says a lot
about a person.

Not that we can afford a car
that says a lot about us.

We did decide to only
budget $4,000 of my money.

You know, he's got a point
there, honey.

We can't be eating
into the family funds.

Well, fault my
overzealousness,
but I think I can--

We can find
a zippy little vintage,
something on budget.

Not dressed like that,
you can't.

You bought me this dress,
David.

I know.

And it cost twice as much
as the car you wanna buy.

No used car salesman
is gonna cut you a deal

dressed in archival
designer silk.

You know, he's got
a point there, honey.

Yeah, says the moving target
in the bespoke suit.

Well, I'm not just gonna be
wearing a suit today, David.

I've got a ball cap
I can put on.

-Oh!
-David's right.

But you know what?
I could build
an appropriate look...

To mimic the trappings
of a workaday woman.

-And if you'll notice,
David, no cufflinks.
-Wow!

I am blinded by
the disenfranchisement.

I wouldn't be surprised
if they just gave you
the car.

[tapping spoon]

Hey, sorry I'm late,
there was very heavy foot
traffic on the way over.

Do you mind putting these
in Mrs. Hertzman's file?

Oh, hello!

Who is this cool cat,
and what did he do with Ted?

Very funny. Unfortunately,
the alternative
isn't quite so...

...cool.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Did you get in a bar fight?

Uh, you know,
I'd actually prefer
not to talk about it.

Okay.

Just for the sake
of maintaining some
professional boundaries.

Yeah, okay, totally.

You owe someone money.

Alexis, I pay off
my credit card bills

two weeks in advance,
what do you think?

Okay, then why are you being
so weird about it?

I'm not
being weird...about it.

You're entitled to keep
things private from me.

Okay, fine.

I know that they are for
the animals,

but I find that
when I get tired,

just one or two
kind of help me focus.

What are you talking about?

Anyway, um, secret
or no weird secret,

we've gotta cover
that thing up.

I hope you're not
into contouring,

'cause it's not
really my thing.

So the low energy bulbs
you installed
in the bathroom,

I'm finding the light to be
very harsh, and um...

Did someone die?
Or are we going through
like, a mid-life Goth phase?

Someone died.

Okay, I'm just finding
the bulbs to make my skin
look very jaundice-y.

My great aunt died.

Okay, I can't tell if
we're still joking...
Or not.

I'm not.

Okay, and now I can't tell
whether you're playing

into the joke,
or whether, um...

-You're telling the truth.
-She was 78.

So you're not joking.
Okay.

Um, well, first
I'd like to apologise

for everything I've said
since coming in here today.

Why? You didn't kill her.

I take it you weren't
very close.

I actually really liked her.

I mean, she was a mess,
but I liked her.

That's probably why
I liked her.

Anyways, it turns out
I'm one of the few who did,

because all of
the arrangements
have fallen to me.

Oh.

Um, well, if you

need help...

[clears throat]

I'd like you to finish
that sentence.

Oh! Um, I am happy
to help...

...you in this time of need.

Thank you. As much
as I appreciate
your reluctant offer,

I don't think you could
handle it.

This whole thing
is super depressing.

Okay, I think we'll be fine.

So I am happy to help.

That is what
friends say to each other,
right?

Yes, it is.

Okay. Um...

So I'm just gonna change
into my funeral blacks.

And um, and meet you
back here, then.

[door opens, closes]

Oh, sorry,
we don't want any.

[laughs]

I'm just joking. Come on in.

No, I'm not. [laughs]

-[Johnny] Roland!
-Just let him in, Rollie!

[laughs] Come on in!

Thank you.

Entre vous, s'il vous plait.
[laughs]

-Hi, Johnny.
-Jocelyn.

Would you like to join us
for a game of cribbage?
We play every day at lunch.

That's right, and Fridays,
it's strip crib.

Well, thank God
it's not Friday.

Well, we can pretend.

Now, I'm not staying long,
I just came by to borrow
some clothes.

Ah, okay.

Honey, why don't you check
your closet

and see if you got anything
that Johnny can fit into.

Look, Moira and I are going
to a used car lot today,

and I just need to appear
more um...

Official?

Casual. Casual.

You see, I've got a closet
full of suits,

but uh, I don't wanna be
taken advantage of
because I'm overdressed,

I need to look like
I don't have money.

But you don't have
any money.

Oh, I know I don't
have any money,

but I need to look
like I don't have money.

Oh... Oh, okay.

Here's what I'm hearing
you say.

What you're saying is you
wanna dress like me

because I look like I don't
have any money.

-I think I misspoke.
-Well, that's what I heard
out of both ears,

one of them works
pretty well.

I mean,
anything that looks...

Hip! I need something hip.

-Hipper than these suits.
-Hip!

Oh jeez, yeah!

Now you're speaking
my language!

[laughs] Hip we can do!

What do you want, uh PVC,

or a Hawaiian shirt?

[man] Sorry about the mess.

We're in the middle
of a move.

Now, unfortunately,
we haven't quite found
your Aunt Maureen's ashes,

but we know
they're here somewhere.

Okay, well,
that's encouraging.

The problem is they all come
in from the crematorium
on the same day,

and sometimes
they're not labelled.

Oh.

Is it possible someone else
picked them up?

Unlikely.

I see your great aunt
has a sister.

Yeah, they haven't spoken
in 20 years.

-And a step-son.
-He's in prison.

-And a cousin.
-Who's also deceased.

-What?
-I didn't know.

That side of my family
has a bit of a reputation
for conflict.

-Okay.
-And philandering.

-And fraud.
-Yeah...

And gunplay.

Well, I'm sure her remains
will turn up.

But we should talk about
urns for your aunt.

We'll just get this one,
I guess.

Well, that's the shipping
tube we pack the urns in.

Found them.

They were on top
of the microwave.

Wonderful.
Oh, that reminds me,

can you get us some whitener
for the coffees?

Oh... What have I
been using?

Okay, I'm gonna
put that down.

And what about the service?

Well, since it's just
gonna be us attending,
I think we can do without...

I see.
Now, I know this
may sound premature

but have the two of you
thought about the planning
of your own funerals?

Okay.

I think we got what
we came here for,

so I think we can just...
Thank you so much.

-[Moira laughs]
-What?

Well, if I squint,

I feel like I'm seeing
your rough and rugged
country cousin.

Oh, and you feel confident
you've hit the target
with this?

I apprenticed costume design
under Stan LaCoulier.

I'm sure he'd agree
this toggery

is the perfect tribute
to the common woman.

Oh, John, look.
It's our car!

Well, Moira, let's not pick
the first car we see.

No, before David was born!

We bought a car
just like this,
don't you remember?

Well, I don't remember
the "Everything Be Irie"
bumper sticker.

Oh no, it's perfect!

-Hello!
-Moira.

This car is $3,000 more
than our budget.

I'm a trained actor.

A humble back story
will disabuse this man

of any notion
we're too patrician.

Well, okay, but...
Let's start by losing words
like "patrician".

Hey folks,
how we doin' today?

[in mock Cockney accent]
Oh, excited beyond compare!

Yes, especially with
this being our first ever
purchase of an automobile.

Yes, it's our first car,
let's hope we can afford it.
[laughs]

Yes, my poor husband
lost his job recently
as a tennis pro,

yes, at a public resort,
that is, yeah.

Well, let's get you folks
settled inside,
we'll see what we can do.

Oh, thank you.

It'll be nice to get off
the streets

and be indoors for a change,
yeah?

-Moira.
-What?

The truth is
that um, we've struggled
with penury

for quite some time now,

well, just two years ago,
we were...

...practically homeless.

Where are you two from?

You know, I've been
wondering that myself.

I'm from London,
I was one of two
identical twins.

Tragically, I was snatched
from my crib at birth
by Russian mobsters.

Mmm-hmm, they looked
at my fair skin

and my dazzling eyes,
and they said,

"We'll make a pretty penny
on that one!

On the human black market,
we will."

-And what about the twin?
-What's that, love?

Well, if you're identical,
I thought you'd both
be valuable.

Yes, wouldn't you?

She wasn't born yet.

Yep, she wasn't born.

Till three minutes later,

and the Bratva work
very quickly.

That is quite a story.

-Isn't it?
-[woman clears throat]

Um, excuse me,
I'll be back in a moment.

I think he's buying it.

You think?

Hey!

These are for you.

Oh, you didn't have
to do that.

Lisa dropped them off.

-Oh.
-Hey.

Don't be embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed.

I know your little secret,

and as your assistant,
I will be discreet
and professional.

-What?
-No one's gonna know
that you're having

an adventurous
little rendezvous with
an apple-cheeked farmwoman!

But that's not
what happened!

Wink.

[sighs]

I was making a house call
to Lisa's farm

and got...

...head-butted by her goat.

Is that when one of you
is on the floor,

and then the other one
kind of just like hops--

No, uh...

I was head-butted
by an actual goat.

And as a vet,
that's not something

that I want getting out,
so please don't be thinking

that this is something
that it isn't.

Okay. Sorry.

Those are delicious,
by the way.

She practically begged me
to try one.

So... I did.

And I also took a couple
for David.

Um, yeah, you're right,
this is a bit depressing.

Are we sure this
is the right place?

She was very specific
about where she wanted
to be scattered.

Um, so what are...

[stammers]
Where should we do...

Well, I don't want
people parking on her!

-Okay.
-So...

Maybe I could just put her
on the grass over there?

Sure.

-[sighs]
-Ooh, it smells
like cigarettes.

-Oh...
-Um...

Do we scatter it all?
Or do we...

-...save some for later?
-Later?

-I don't know!
-[sighs heavily]

This is gonna be me.

Well, theoretically,
it's gonna be all of us.

Um, although I'm hoping
that when I pass,

there'll be a little
more fanfare.

My great aunt worked
at the motel.

Front desk.

-You never told me that.
-Yep.

So I just need to take up
palm reading,

get a few cats,
move to Saskatchewan.

Well, a girl could dream.

You are not your aunt!

From what I've heard,
I wouldn't be friends
with her,

and I'm friends with you,
so that's one
major difference.

She made her decisions.

And you're going to
make yours,

and they are going
to be different.

And they are
going to be great.

And if they're not,
I'll be sure to scatter

your ashes in a much nicer
parking lot.

I think I'm just gonna start
pouring, okay?

-Okay.
-[David] Not here, though!

Let's go just...
Over there.

Thank you very much
for waiting.

This is Sarah,
this is my wife
and business partner.

Oh, hi. Is everything okay?

Well, I hope you can
forgive me,

but I couldn't help
overhear your story.

Oh yes, love,

it's an inspiration to many,
I'm sure.

And it sounded so familiar.

But then I remembered...

Sunrise Bay!

My wife was addicted
to your show!

Well, I find it's wonderful,
but we don't have
a television, so.

-Moira...
-I remember when
your twin showed up

and stabbed Armand
with her sharpened crutch.

Okay, look folks,
I'm really sorry,
my wife was simply

trying to fictionalise
our very real financial
struggle.

[in normal voice]
Okay, that was fun.

There's no need
to be embarrassed.

We read all about what
happened to you,

-losing everything.
-It's heartbreaking.

-We didn't lose everything.
-Well...

Seeing you working so hard,

just to shave a few bucks
off that Lincoln,
which we could do.

But now you're making it
sound like some

act of desperation,
it was simply just an act.

Um, Moira, they're just
trying to help us out
by giving us a better price.

Well, nonsense, dear,
we can certainly pay
full freight.

You save that discount
for someone who needs it!

Yes, okay. Dear, look.

We really would appreciate
any financial assistance.

Or perhaps we might have
to take our business

to a dealership that sells
brand new cars.

As you can see,
we can't even afford
her meds right now.

I'll get the paperwork
started.

Here we go, dear,
here's the chair.

Hey, so I'm headed out

and I will drop off
the flea shampoo
for Mrs Warner's cat.

Sorry, what did
Mrs Warner say?

She called to ask if you
would drop off flea shampoo,

and she also asked
if you would wash her cat,

but I said that
you were too busy.

Oh. Yeah, okay.
Uh, you know what?

-I got this.
-I'm happy to do it.

Um... Do we even have
flea shampoo?

It's fine, I'll do it.

It's best if I do it.

No, it's on my way home
and I rarely offer to do
things like this, so...

[sighs]

Heather Warner doesn't
actually have a cat.

Oh.

She "thinks" she has a cat?

That's so sad.

-But I guess she is, like,
50, so that makes sense.
-Yep, she's 42.

And she's not crazy.

It's...code.

[chuckles quizzically]

I'm kind of seeing Heather,
and the flea shampoo is...

A booty call?

Well, I'm not crazy about
the term, but--

[gasps] Ted, look at you,
little sexy Susan!

Okay, calling me "Susan"
kind of takes the sexy
out of it.

But I'm glad we were able
to deal with this
in a professional manner.

Ted, say hi to her cat
for me.

-That's too far, Alexis.
-[laughs]

To Maureen Budd,

and not following
too closely
in her footsteps.

So, we're drinking to me
not becoming an alcoholic?

Mmm-hmm.

Off to a good start.

Hi, I'm looking
for Stevie Budd.

-I'm her.
-Hi, we spoke on the phone.

I'm Elaine,
from West, Read and Healy.

I have some personal effects
that were willed to you...

-Oh...
-And some documents
for you to sign.

Thanks.

Oh, my God.

When did you have
this photo taken?

That's not me.

That's Maureen.

Mmm.

Okay, well,
just because you bear a
vague physical resemblance,

does not mean that you...

...will end up in
an apartment
with newspaper for curtains.

Okay, this is not
going to be you.

What is this?

That is the deed
to the motel.

Sorry?

Maureen Budd owned
the motel.

You didn't tell me that.

Nobody told me that.

I mean, I knew it was
in the family,

but I didn't know
she outright owned it.

Was she of sound mind?

Uh, well,
according to her will,
she wanted you to have it.

Was she of sound mind?

Okay, this still doesn't
mean that you are going to
be anything like her.

I mean, sure,
on the surface, it is a step
in that direction,

but, you know...
Okay, you know what?

-Let's clear
some of this stuff.
-Yeah.

Starting with the urn.

And I'm--
We're gonna just...

[horn honking]

You look like a contestant
on The Price Is Right.

Well, it worked,
because the price was right.

How much did you
pay for this?

David, it's not polite
to ask what you paid
for something.

It says $7,250 right there.

Well, that's way
over budget!

Well, that's not what
we paid for it.

Well, what did you pay
for it?

[in mock accent]
6,000 quid, love.

Oh God!
[Johnny] Thank you, Moira.

And it would've been
a lot less

if your mother hadn't talked
them back up.

You can't put a price
on dignity.

Uh, tell that
to your outfit.

-This is your outfit.
-What?

Okay, look.
The important thing is,
we now have a car.

Is this a car
for dead people?

No, it's not a hearse!

Look, this is a used car,
so it's not perfect.

Were all the other cars
on fire, then?

It's very big.