All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E01.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirp]

[Moira] David,
this isn't funny!

I have my first Town Hall
meeting in an hour.

Where is my portfolio?

[stammers] Uh, why
would I know
where your portfolio is?

You were bedazzling it
last night.

Excuse me?

I haven't bedazzled anything
since I was 22.

David, you were dressed
like a harlequin

and you were gluing
shiny jewels...

Perhaps that was just
a night terror.

-[door opens]
-Um... Oh, God.

Okay.

-Oh.
-Well! Uh...

[gasps] Hello.

Hi, uh, I'm... I'm Jake.

-Oh, of course you are.
-[both chuckle]

-David?
-Um, Jake,
this is my mother.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

I didn't think anybody
would be home.

Okay, nobody was supposed
to be home.

Nobody was supposed to be
home, so...

You were supposed to be
at lunch.

[stammers] Why were you
not at lunch?

David, stop acting like
a disgruntled pelican!

I came home from lunch
because I realised

-I misplaced my portfolio.
-...folio.

So we're... I'm gonna...
We're gonna look for it.

-David, we're looking
for your mother's portfol...
-Oh, my God!

Oh. Oh! Okay.

Hello, uh, Johnny Rose.
You are?

-Jake.
-Yes, welcome,
welcome, Jake.

I see, uh, David's
made you feel right at home.

-Okay, Dad!
-John...

No, no, no,
I'm just saying

carry on doing whatever
you're doing

or not... Doing.

-Okay. No.
-I mean, I see things
are wrapping up here, so...

-Got it, got it, so much.
-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!
-Alexis, this is Jake.

We seem to have caught
the boys in a--

In an afternoon delight.

Is that term still
a going thing?

-No, that's no.
-No, never say that again.

Don't do that.

Um, David,
I thought we agreed

-only when nobody was home.
-Nobody was home!

-Nobody was home!
-Oh, here it is!

Ha, ha, ha!

Nice to meet you, Jacob.

If you take half as much
care of our son

-as you do your physique...
-Okay!

...David should be
in very good hands.

Yes, well, not,
not your hands, but, uh...

-Mmm-hmm, yep. Bye!
-Generally speaking...

Well, I hope
it was worth it.

-Okay, I think you can
take a step outside.
-[giggling]

You can step outside
while this is happening.

Let him change.

You're like a predator!

Um...

[Cal] Okay, and so
the last four digits

on that credit card
number are 6-3-1-2?

Great, and the security code
on the back?

Bob, who's sitting
at my desk?

Your next big opportunity,
that's who.

What opportunity?

Well, Cal's doing
big business,

and since you two
are sharing an office,

uh, I thought you might
wanna get in on some of it.

Sharing an office?

You've rented out
my office space?

Well, Johnny, you weren't
exactly paying rent

and Cal's business
is booming.

[Cal] I should add that
registration is
totally free.

There's no charge whatsoever
for registration.

There's just a small
monetary...

And what business is this?

Antivirus.
The guy's amazing.

[Cal] Okay,
you'll be receiving
your CD-ROM in the mail

within the next two weeks

and you'll know
the software is working

if you don't see
any changes.

Bob, this sounds
like a scam.

Far from it.

No, my... My computer
was riddled with viruses.

I mean, Cal, uh,
he fixed it

over the phone!

[laughs] He didn't even look
at my computer!

-[phone ringing]
-That's how good he is.

Bob, I've got a meeting
with a client in an hour

and I cannot be
conducting business

with somebody yammering
into the phone beside me!

Johnny, you're putting me
in a bit of a pickle here.

You know, obviously I'd like
to keep you both.

But there's, uh,

a cardboard box over there,

you know, if you do feel
like you wanna,

you know,
pack up your things.

[birds chirp]

-[gasps]
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Oh, hi.

Um, what are you...
What are you doing here?

I just popped in
to say hello.

Yeah, he came
to say hi to me.

Oh... Yeah.

Um, and, and what...
And, um...

How long have you been
here for?

Why, are you writing
a true crime novel?

I'm just curious.

Just curious about what
you guys are...

What you guys
are talking about.

-About stuff.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Is that okay with you?
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I should
probably head.

I've got a ton of work
to do, so...

[laughs quietly]

-Mmm! [laughs]
-Bye.

-Bye.
-[Jake grunts]

[Jake groans]

-I'll be in touch,
all right?
-Okay, yeah, okay, okay.

[door slams]

What the flying fuck
is going on here?

I was gonna ask you
the same thing!

-What was that?
-Uh, what was that?

We're seeing each other!

Okay, we're
seeing each other.

He literally came here
from my room.

Well, he dropped me off
at work this morning.

He what?

He dropped me off
at work this morning!

Okay, I get it!

Um, he did not mention
that to me.

And... Frankly,

I don't know whether I want
your sloppy seconds!

Uh, first of all,
who says they're sloppy,

and second, who's to say
we're not getting

-his sloppy thirds?
-[gasps]

Who knows how many people
he's got on the go

at this point?

Okay, well, all I know
is that someone is sloppy

and it's not me!

[Moira] Well,
hello, everyone!

What time is curtain?

We'll probably start
in a few minutes.

Well, it looks like
a full house out there.

Huh! So uh...

Is this what
everyone's wearing?

Well, I might lose
the jacket.

If we look to have
given up on ourselves,

how can we assure
our constituents

that we haven't given up
on them as well?

So we look like we've given
up on ourselves?

Could we remember please
that these are real people

with real problems, people!

And while I can't pretend
to fully understand them,

I can at least
attempt to care!

Places, please!

Um, okay, so I
downloaded this app

basically so clients
can schedule

their appointments online.

It just saves me
answering the phone.

Right, so then...

What will you do?

Thank you for asking, Ted.

And here is my answer.

Um, my answer starts
by me saying--

So, you two call each other?

Hey! Um, about what?

You're dressed the same.

Ah, never heard
that one before.

-How are you?
-I'm good, good.

Tennessee and I are actually
goin' on a trip

for a while, so...

Wow, like, Tulum? Or...

Uh, just gonna get
in our car

and drive up the coast,

let the road take us
where it wants.

No plans, no phones,
no schedules.

Basically
my worst nightmare.

Sounds very adventurous.

Yeah, well, I just needed
to get away for a while.

You know? So uh, what's new
with you guys?

Well, Alexis came home to a
naked man in her bathroom.

-Cool.
-Um, no, it wasn't cool

because he wasn't actually
there for me,

which made everything
very awkward

and uncomfortable
for everyone.

Well, you're free to use
the barn while I'm away.

You know, if you need
some privacy.

I was actually looking for
someone to water the plants

and check over
the place, so...

Oh, well, thank you, Mutt.

That actually might
be good for me.

Well, we're leaving
this afternoon, so,
you know,

swing by
and grab the keys.

-That's very generous.
-[door opens and closes]

Is that weird?

[day-care worker] Parents
are complaining

that they're struggling
to get off work early enough

to pick up their kids

and so that's why
we would like to extend

the after school day-care
programme by half an hour.

[applause]

That's an idea we'll

give some real thought to.

Spoken like
a true politician.

[audience laughs]

Ah! Vivacity aside,

our children's safety
is no laughing matter.

As a mother who once
invested a great deal

of time and money
into her children,

I, for one,
stand by the request

to extend the hours
of the day-care.

[applause]

One might think that
an additional 30 minutes

will have no impact,
but you tell that
to the mother

whose manicurist just
applied the wrong colour,

and must start
all over again,

or the father who got stuck
in a mine!

That extra half hour
could be the difference

between a child who gets
picked up safely

and one who wanders
the street

waiting for
a dust-covered man
to emerge from the darkness!

We do wait with the kids--

Is that really what we want
for our town?

Homeless toddlers?

Tugging at your pant legs?

Okay, Moira, I think
you've made your point.

I assure you council will
examine this issue

thoroughly and carefully.

Your children will be safe,
that is a promise!

[thunderous applause]

Moira, what were you doing?
You undermined my authority!

We were losing our audience!

You saw the walkouts.

And on opening night!

-This isn't a theatre!
-Isn't it?

Look, you can't go
making blind promises
to these people!

This isn't Sunrise Bay

where everybody lives
in a perfect dream world!

I'll have you know

Sunrise Bay was
a coastal community

plagued by
a centuries-old curse!

I hate to jump in here,

but you told me I should
use the bathroom
during the break,

and, uh, the line's getting
really long!

-Go for it, Bob.
-Oh!

Ronnie, you have whispers
of a maternal instinct.

Isn't this issue
important to you?

It's not a matter
of importance,

-it's a matter of money!
-Then find the money!

Oh, okay,
why don't I just tiptoe

into my orchard
of money trees

and fill my basket
with money for you?

And while we're at it,

why don't I gather some
diamond carrots

and some golden potatoes!

And I don't mean the kind
of potatoes you eat,

I mean the...

Potatoes that are made
out of actual gold.

Okay, there must be
some solution.

To the problem
you just caused?

I'm sure you'll figure
somethin' out.

Oh, welcome to the show.

[Johnny] Well, first,
I wanna say thank you, Amy,

for taking the time
to see me today.

It's actually Amygrace.

Amygrace, well, apologies.

It's funny,
'cause I remember
when our families

used to vacation together,
you were just Little Amy.

I've always been Amygrace.

Ah... Well then,

just call me Johnny Michael.

[laughs]

You know, I'm very
interested in your business,

Amy... Grace.

It's been very fulfilling.

Yeah. Uh...

Screamnastics.

Screamnastics, I read
that's a combination

of gymnastics and, um...

-Screaming?
-Scream therapy, yes.

And extreme juicing.

Ah, well, I'm a big
juice fan myself.

Just so you know, Mr Rose,

most orange juices have

frighteningly high
sugar levels.

Okay...

So, here's
the important thing.

I believe this town could be
the perfect spot

for your next franchise.

Here's the issue, Mr Rose,

I've been touring
small towns

in an extensive market
research trip.

And unfortunately,
what we're discovering

is that most
"rural" communities

just don't have
the same interest in health.

Or wellness.

Or what we like to call,

"screamnastic inner/outer
beauty connectivity."

Well, I know a lot
of people here

who are very connected
to their inner
and outer beauty.

And even more who could use

some of that screamnastic
connect... Tivity.

I love your enthusiasm,
Mr Rose.

It's very screamnastic.

Well, this town is very
screamnastic, Amygrace.

Why don't we circle back
in I don't know, six months,

and see how things
are going then?

Yes, sure, sure.

Sure, we can do that.

Tell you what, why not
make it three months?

Let's circle back
in three months,

and that way we might
be able to open

a screamnasium by Christmas.

Oh, we don't call them that.

But it's been so great
seeing you, Mr Rose.

And my parents say hi,
by the way.

They were beside themselves
when they found out

what happened to you guys.

Well, we're okay.

We're doing just fine,
thank you.

Anyway, you take care.

You too.

-[sighs heavily]
-[door opens and closes]

[David clears throat]

That's a nice chair.

Oh, hey.

Thanks!

I'm just putting the last
coat on it now.

-Ah.
-I think I'm getting a
little high from the fumes.

Oh, that's nice.

Uh, we know that you're
seeing both of us.

-So...
-Okay.

Wait, did you not know that?

Uh, no, we did not.

I mean, when you kissed
us both on the mouth

we sort of
pieced it together.

Listen, I don't want
to cause any drama.

-We don't want drama!
-Who wants drama?

Nobody does.

Some clarity would've
been nice.

-You know?
-Totally, yeah.

I just, uh...

I assumed you guys
were cool with it.

Yeah, I don't think
it's a matter

of not being cool with it.
I don't think that's...

That's not what this is.

It's, um... What this is

is a clarity thing.

Yeah.

So you are cool with it?

Yeah, I'm cool with it now.

I'm not, not cool with it.

I don't think that was ever
the thing, so--

I don't think anybody's
not cool here.

[scoffs]

Okay, cool.

[gavel thuds]

Well, hello again,
you beautiful people.

I would love to circle back
to this matter

of the extended
day-care hours.

Although I made some
excellent points

in the interest of a fair
and balanced discussion,

I will now argue
the other side of the issue.

[surprised whispers]

One of my fondest memories
from childhood
were weekdays,

between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m.

That was our time!

And we would've fought
anyone who dared try

to take it away from us.

So you're not extending
the hours?

Do we really want
Big Brother programming
every waking minute

of our children's lives?

So is that a yes
or a no? I...

-It's an absolutely.
-Absolutely what?

Absolutely crucial...

Absolutely crucial!

Crucial that we...

Approach that...
That we entertain every...

-Approach, I don't--
-[clears throat]

We'll think about it.

[audience murmuring]

[birds chirp]

Alexis!

What's...

What's up?

Hey, it's you.

Um, we just came by
to pick up
the keys for the barn.

The keys to... This barn?

Yeah, Mutt asked me
to just pop by

and keep an eye on the place
while you were gone.

Okay.

This is just the first
I'm hearing about it,

which is fine.

If I had known
you were staying
at our place,

I would've cleaned
the sheets for you guys.

Oh, no, we're not together.

You literally could not
have said that any faster.

Hey, babe, I'm just getting
caught up here.

So, Alexis is crashing
at our place?

Not crashing.

It just caught me off guard
'cause I didn't know

that there was
an arrangement here.

I don't know about
arrangement.

It just sort of happened.

You're the one who said
you don't like
to plan things.

Well, I like to plan
things sometimes.

Uh, so, Tennessee,

Mutt tells us that you guys
are heading up the coast?

-Yes!
-Yeah, we're meeting
some friends.

We're going on
a pinecone harvest.

Pinecone harvest?

We're picking pinecones.

I got this old compass
at a flea market.

We're just gonna drive until
we see the pine trees.

Hmm, that sounds like
it is gonna be

super fun and intense.

Mutt, you didn't tell me
about...

Yeah, the pinecones.

So, we know roughly
where we're going.

I'm pretty sure the compass
is broken though.

Well, I think
that it's better

to just freefall into it.

-Yes.
-Yeah, but like I said,

it wouldn't hurt
to bring a map.

Anyway, you pick
the pinecones,

and they harvest the seeds.

It sounds like this is going
to be like,

a very, um,
cathartic journey
for you guys.

[Mutt sighs]

-Here's hoping.
-Hmm! Yeah.

So, uh, here's the keys.

And take care of the place.

Don't throw any parties.

Pinky swear.

Hmm, we should probably
get going.

We were going

to hit the hot springs
before the sun sets!

Oh, yeah, definitely want
to get a soak in

before you tackle the cones.

Which you must really be

pining for by now!

-[chuckles]
-Okay. Okay!

Well, safe travels.

[car door slams]

Yeah, that was weird.

I will not be watering
those plants.

[door opens]

[Jocelyn] Hello? Sorry.

-Hey, Moira.
-Hi.

-Hey!
-Hey, Moira.

Stay away from the Cafe,
the olives are bad.

I found Johnny at the Cafe,
he'd had a lot of olives,

so I thought I would
take him home

before he had
any more olives.

-Hello, dear.
-John, what have you...

Oh, John, you smell
like my mother!

Well, Bob kicked me out
of the garage

so Cal could steal
people's money.

I think you can handle this
from here,

so have
a good night, Johnny.

Okay, thanks, guys.

Oh, John, I think you could
use a nice, cold shower.

Well, I need something.

[sighs]

You and the kids
are doing it all, Moira.

Alexis has a job,

David's puttin' money
in the coffers,

you're on Council,
making a difference
every day.

Not every day.

You know what,
I don't know if I'm

looking after this family
as well as I should be.

[sighs]

John, you're
the only one holding
this family together.

And that's the most
important job of all.

-You're a good man,
John Rose...
-[sighs]

...and good men always win!

Not at this exact
moment, perhaps.

You have an olive stain
on your tie.

What's that?

But just because no one
is currently seeing

all the wonders of which
you are capable,

does not mean
that you are not...

-[sighs]
-...one of the most talented
people in this family.

Well, thank you, Moira.

-[David] Has he
thrown up yet?
-Oh, go to bed!

-[Alexis] It's six o'clock!
-Good night!

-[music plays softly]
-[dishes clink]

So, on a scale of one

to a Sao Paulo hangover,

how are we feeling
right now?

I wouldn't have gotten out
of bed this morning.

Children, have some respect
for your father's condition.

I'm feeling fine, Moira.

-You don't look fine.
-I'm fine!

Okay...

All right, ready to order?

Yeah, toast.

Dry toast, and more coffee,
please.

And I know it's early,
but I'm kind of feeling like

a big piece of fish.

Mmm! Um...

And I'll have a bowl
of room temperature
hollandaise sauce, please.

Oh, that's funny,
very funny.

-Very funny.
-Don't listen to them, John.

Don't listen
and pick a point
on the wall if you need to.

Just a fruit cup
for me, please.

Anything else?

Um, yeah, I would love
to order something else,

but I'm just having trouble

-seeing the menu.
-Yeah, so, um...

If we could somehow make it
brighter in here?

Okay, you know what, kids?
Stop it.

Okay, well, I will be
right back with the toast,

fruit, fish, and... Sauce.

-Thanks.
-Perfect.

Have you no empathy?

Stop persecuting
your father. We all know
he's in a bad way.

No bad way, Moira.

I'm actually feeling
pretty good.

Well, I for one think
we should celebrate

-your resilience!
-[gasps]

-A toast!
-A toast!

-[glasses clink loudly]
-All right, you know what?

I'm sitting
at another table.