Original subtitles

(CRUNCHING)

Kids, it happens to be our anniversary today,

so it might be a nice idea if you wished your mother a happy anniversary.

Okay, um...

What would you like us to say?

Well, you could start by saying, "Happy anniversary".

Erm, okay, but why are we wishing her a happy anniversary?

Isn't that something that you two are supposed to say to each other?

Yeah, it's called being courteous, honey.

You know, the Bloomfield kids used to throw their parents

an anniversary party every year.

Mmm-hmm. Erm, if we're truth telling,

the Bloomfields were always a little too friendly with one another.

I just don't understand what kind of family

-skinny dips together. -(DOOR OPENS)

John, are you ready?

Yes, sweetheart.

Happy anniversary!

Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another.

You did it!

Okay, kids, that's enough.

You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.

Have a blessed day.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hello there, Roses!

Hello there, you.

May we join you?

Oh, we just ordered to go.

Yeah, we're not staying, we've got a million things to do.

Oh, well, then, I guess you don't want

your present then, huh?

(SNICKERS)

You wanna guess what your present is?

-No, I do not. -Dinner!

We're gifting you a dinner!

At the most exclusive eatery in Elmdale.

-Oh. -ROLAND: It's very hard to get a table.

But, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) I pulled a few strings.

That sounds too good to... What's the catch?

No, there's no catch,

just every new council member gets a dinner, so...

Oh, how very civilised.

It is. Thank you, Roland. We accept.

Terrific, so, uh, we'll pick you up around 7:00.

-We? -Yeah, we have a coupon.

Four entrees for the price of three.

It expires soon, though.

(CHUCKLES) It should be really fun, you guys.

Yes, it will be fun.

Well, it would be fun,

if today were not our anniversary.

-Yeah... -Wow, happy anniversary!

Well, thank you, thank you.

You two are obviously gonna want to spend tonight

-just the two of you, so... -Yes, that was the plan.

-JOCELYN: Yeah. -Oh.

Well, you know, the coupon expires

-in three weeks, so... -Okay, all right. Let it go.

You have fun, you guys!

-Okay. -Okay?

-Bye-bye, now. -JOCELYN: Bye!

Boy, that was a close call.

What are you doing with that?

With what, this yearbook?

Could you put it back, please?

Why would I put it back

when Stevie Budd was voted

"Most Likely to Get The Guy"?

With that haircut?

I'll have you know I was very popular with the boys.

And the girls, it seems.

Wow, well, according to the Internet,

you were "Mr Popular."

I will have you know that that headshot

got me a two-episode arc on a TV series.

What series?

Dateline.

I played a boy

who got abducted from a grocery store.

-Wow. -Yeah.

And the performance was so riveting

people thought I actually was the Valu-Mart victim.

(EXCLAIMS) Bet that got you laid.

It did.

It really did.

You know, I am surprised that you haven't asked me to leave early today.

Are you telepathic or something?

Because I have been thinking about

asking you that question every day this week.

I was just kidding.

Oh... No, yeah, me, too. (CHUCKLES)

No, just with the big soiree at Mutt's tonight,

I figured that you would need ample time to get ready.

Mutt's having a soiree?

Well, I'm sure you're invited.

Yeah, no. Yeah, no, why wouldn't I be?

Erm, were you invited?

Yeah. Yeah. I guess it's just...

Just a bit of a pride issue, you know.

Do I attend the party hosted by the guy that you left me for?

Yeah, no, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Yeah, but I really would have to basically throw

all my self-respect just right out the window.

-(SNICKERS) -Mmm, that's so sweet.

So, erm, what time is the party tonight?

-(CHUCKLES) -Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

Oh, darling, what a sweet gesture,

and a precursor no doubt to something more grand planned.

Something more grand?

Ah, knowing your penchant for surprises,

I'm guessing you have something else up your sleeve.

-Yes, I do. -Uh-oh.

I do, I... (CLEARS THROAT)

...was going to tell you later, but I booked a restaurant in Elmdale,

it's supposed to be very fancy.

The one that Roland and Jocelyn just told us about?

Yes! Yes, but...

Who knew they were asking us tonight!

-Just the two of us? -Mmm-hmm.

Sort of a Lady and the Tramp meets 9 1/2 Weeks

kind of dinner date?

Could you for one second believe that I would not

have planned something for our anniversary

tonight?

Two of us?

(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. Rose, party of two.

Yeah, we spoke on the phone this afternoon.

You're lucky we had that cancellation.

Yes, well, lucky for someone.

We had a reservation which I, of course, made, uh,

weeks ago.

You always could swing a good table at the last minute, John.

Okay, it'll just be a few minutes.

-Thank you. -(WOMAN GASPS)

Moira?

-Bev? -Don!

-Moira! -Oh, my God, the Roses!

-You're alive! -JOHNNY: Oh, my gosh!

Good to see you!

What? Don?

Oh, I don't believe it!

-(BEV KISSING) -MOIRA: Don.

What are you two doing here?

Well, we were dropping Mackenzie off at college

and decided we'd take the scenic route home.

You must... They should... You must join us!

Join us for dinner.

DON: That would be great! BEV: Oh, yes!

We are just dying to find out what you've been up to.

-We're dying to tell you. -(ALL LAUGH)

-BEV: Okay. -Oh!

Aw...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Oh, I wouldn't either, but I couldn't find a cocktail shaker,

and someone brought room temperature vodka.

(CHUCKLES) No, I mean, Mutt made those ice cubes from well water,

so they smell a little fishy.

Oh.

Yeah, wouldn't want that melting in my drink, thank you very much.

-I'm Jake. -David.

It's nice to meet you, handsome.

I'm...

I'm gonna... So I'll just...

Wow! Look at you.

What's that supposed to mean?

I've just never seen you this dressed up before.

-I do what I want. -Hmm.

And tonight I'm wanting to meet someone.

-Mmm. -So...

I have a certain high school reputation

-I need to live up to. -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, and good luck with that.

Erm, speaking of sexual popularity,

I'm pretty sure that, erm,

that guy at the bar...

Is into me.

-Who, Jake? -Yeah. Jake.

Why, was he one of your high school conquests?

Actually, no.

But I have a pretty stellar radar for being able to tell

-when guys are into me. -Mmm-hmm.

Erm, and having swam in both ponds,

I can say that I might be able to navigate those waters

a little bit better than you.

Mmm-hmm? Well, we'll see.

Hmm.

(LAUGHTER)

So there we are at Izzy Tennyson's country home...

Oh, tell me she doesn't still have that stuffed bison.

Oh, does she have it?

She's moved it to the front hall!

-What? -Grier wanted to hang her coat on the horns!

(ALL LAUGH)

And it gets better. Don here...

Oh, wait now, don't throw me under the bus,

it was Borden who started it all.

Borden Simons?

-It's like old home week! -(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I look over,

and Don and Borden are on their hands and knees

crawling through the doggie door

-in the kitchen! -(ALL LAUGHING)

It was too funny!

-You should've been there. -Oh, wish we could've been.

-Maybe next time. -Well, cheers to that.

ALL: Cheers.

Hey.

Hey, uh...

Johnny? Moira?

Oh, my God!

Er, what are you guys doing here?

Well, we just ran into each other.

It's their anniversary, Roland,

just let them do what they want.

It's your anniversary? You should've told us.

We don't want to intrude.

No, you're not intruding, this is a surprise treat.

Oh, okay, well, then, are we intruding?

Because before you were saying that

you didn't wanna go out tonight, so...

No, no, we, er... You can certainly join us

if you don't have your own table.

We do, but that would be great!

-Okay. -Yes, well, then, by all means,

yes, let's, er, let's...

Let's, uh, sit at one table.

JOCELYN: This is cosy. Hello. Hi.

Good evening.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow. Look at you.

Is it weird that I'm here?

It's only weird if you think it's weird.

Yeah. Okay. I don't if you don't.

Erm, in fact, I don't actually know how late I can stay.

I just wanted to pop in and say hey.

Well, you're awfully dolled up for a "pop in".

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, stop, I basically came from work.

Babe, your stove's being testy again.

Should I just serve the cider cold?

Er... Alexis, this is, er,

my girlfriend, Tennessee.

Wow!

Wow. Wowee.

-(LAUGHS) -Alexis, hi.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

-Mutt's told me so much about you. -Mmm.

The way he describes you, it's like you're this

beautiful little poem.

Well, love "little"! (CHUCKLES)

Look at you! You're like a poem, too.

Like a really pretty poem, or like...

A mermaid, or something.

Mutt, you're growing back your beard.

Yeah, she likes it.

Okay.

Erm, hey, er, I'm gonna go grab a drink.

But, erm, it was so nice to finally meet you,

Tallahassee, so...

It's, er, Tennessee.

Yes, Tennessee. I love that name, it's so unique.

Erm, thank God you look the way you do,

because that name on the wrong girl would just...

Ooh! So...

You should feel really good about yourself.

She's cute.

You guys haven't ordered yet, have you?

'Cause I need to present this coupon to the waiter first.

Don't know what that means.

-He's so ironic, this one. -Oh! (LAUGHS)

So where are you living now, Moira?

Tell us all about it.

Oh, we're in a rustic, ranch style bungalow

that...

JOCELYN: It's very nice.

Very nice, it's got plenty of parking,

and, uh, TV in every room.

DON: Oh. How many bedrooms?

-Ten. -Ten bedrooms?

Yeah, well, we don't use all the bedrooms.

That must be a nightmare to clean.

Erm, Stevie does an adequate job.

-Stevie's one of your staff? -Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHS) Stevie's the only staff.

JOCELYN: This olive tapenade is...

Salty. I know!

Is it? I thought it was good, but, yeah, it's salty.

-(JOCELYN CLEARS THROAT) -BEV: Here's a funny story.

Oh, good.

On our way here, we drove through a town,

not a word of a lie, called...

-Schittstown! -(LAUGHS)

No, it was called Schittsville!

-Schittsville! -(BOTH LAUGHING)

And from the looks of it, the town was living up to its name!

Let's not go for the low-hanging fruit here, Don.

Okay?

No, these are funny jokes.

Please continue, Don.

You see, Roland gets it! (LAUGHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, I'm actually having more fun

at this party than I thought I would.

How did you do it?

Well, I started by drinking all four of those

peach schnapps that you left in my fridge...

No, I mean, you seemed so cool about everything after we broke up.

It was almost annoying.

Cool?

Alexis...

I couldn't stop crying.

I was scaring all the animals at work.

But...

When I had to go on our honeymoon without you,

the zip-line instructor at the Los Passions Couples Resort told me

that I just gotta get through it.

Meaning my fear of heights, which I did get through.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

But with you, it just...

It took a little longer.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Staff dance?

Yes.

-Mmm! -Hmm?

I thought I was shame-eating in private.

What is "shame eating"?

I don't think we have enough time for that tonight.

Are you looking for someone?

No, yeah, I mean, sorry, I'm just...

I lost my friend who should...

Be around here somewhere, erm, watching this, so...

Are you here with Stevie?

I am. Yeah.

-Okay. -Not here "with".

No, we're not together, I'm very much single, so...

You wanna get some air?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm! Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Who do you have to kill around here

to get another bottle of this undrinkable wine?

I think it's good.

I ordered the one with the highest alcohol content.

What do you do, Roland?

Something in agriculture, by the looks of it?

Roland is actually the mayor of our town.

BEV AND DON: Oh!

-Not Schittsville, I hope! -(BEV AND DON LAUGH)

What do you even call someone from Schittsville?

A Schitter? A Schitthead?

-Okay, you know what? -John, John.

Don't worry, Moira, I won't say anything untoward.

We're just having fun, John.

And I thought we were having fun, Bev,

but you know what, we're not.

Oh, come on, it's just a joke!

No, Don, here's the joke.

The joke is I'm sitting here in a half-decent restaurant

with my wife and our friends.

And all you two have done is complain about the food,

and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.

Oh, we're past all that now.

I'm not quite past it, Moira.

You wrote us off, Don.

Not a phone call,

not an e-mail,

not a nickel.

Roland and Jocelyn here

could not have been more generous

with what little they have.

They found us a place to live,

they've offered us their truck whenever we've needed it.

They've invited us to their parties,

they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.

Well... (CLEARS THROAT) Just to be clear, Johnny,

we were always gonna split the bill,

-it's just with the coupon... -JOCELYN: Rollie, Rollie.

(CHUCKLES)

And that town you passed through,

it's not called Schittsville.

It's called Schitt's Creek.

And it's where we live.

So, Jake, erm, do you drink red wine, or white wine?

I don't really drink wine.

I'm more of a beer guy.

Right. Yeah.

That doesn't help me much. Erm...

-Well, I better get going. -(CLEARS THROAT)

I've gotta get to the shop early tomorrow morning, so.

Oh, you work retail as well?

No, no. The wood shop.

-I make furniture. -Ah.

Yeah. No, I did a lot of, erm...

I did a lot of wood-working in high school.

-Oh. -Yeah, er, Christie McFadden

accidentally nailed her hand to her paper towel holder so that's...

The lesson is just not to nail stuff...

You know, I'm a pretty open-minded guy.

So, why don't you stop by the shop sometime?

Okay.

-Good night. -Good night.

I knew it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Er...

Where were you?

Where were you?

Some townies were trying to get us high,

and we didn't want to offend them,

because they're doing so well in life.

Didn't want to burn a bridge.

-Actually, those boys did burn a bridge last summer. -(CHUCKLES)

Luckily, they don't get as bored as they used to.

Okay. Erm...

So Jake is into me.

Is he?

-Yeah. -What makes you think that?

Because we just necked out behind the barn.

Seriously, what makes you think that?

Because we put our mouths together,

out behind the barn.

Just so you know, I kissed him, too.

Well, that didn't happen.

Who's to say?

Well, when would you have had time to do that?

Did he invite you to his wood shop?

Sorry, that came out wrong.

(SLOW ROCK SONG PLAYING)

Smells like grass in here.

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!

Okay, this is not okay. What are you guys doing here?

(SHUSHING)

Alexis, for once in your life, shh...

I don't care what snarky remarks

you kids are gonna make under your breath,

tonight we are dancing as a family.

What is happening?

Do you know your father and I

hold great affection for the two of you?

It may not always be obvious, but...

Just say it, Moira.

We love you both very much.

Love you, too.

Love you, too.

(GASPS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)