All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S02E05.WEB-DL.NF.en

Do you like this sweater?

Jared Leto gave it to me,
and I've always been
on the fence about it.

I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

You either like it,
or you don't like it.

I mean, I like it 'cause
Jared Leto gave it to you,

and he was my first kiss,
but I don't know if I,
like...

[inhales]
...like it, like it.

Erm, that's not really
an answer.

[sighs] I feel really bad.

I feel like there's
something burning
in my throat.

Oh, my God.
Well, you could've answered
the question by now.

So, I guess I'm wearing it.

Dad, can you bring me
some juice?

[Johnny]
Be right there, honey!

Yes, we'll be right there!

I knew this day
would come, John!

Isolated, impoverished,

cut off from all
medical services!

-I only prayed
it wouldn't be Alexis.
-It's just a cold, Moira.

Oh, it's always
just a cold, John,

until it's
full blown... Typhoid!

[Alexis] I don't
have typhoid!

Well, of course you don't!
What are the chances
of that?

[gasps]
Do you remember Valentina?

Our chambermaid
in Little Martinique?

We all thought she had
just a cold,
until it was too late!

I'll never shake
the mental image

of her frothing and flailing
in that water taxi.

[Alexis] I can
still hear you!

We love you, Alexis!

-[softly] Don't we?
-We love you, Alexis.

Tell her you're gonna
bring her the juice.

I am bringing
the juice, Moira.

John, don't touch her.

Oh...

This is as far as I go,
Alexis.

One of us has to stay
safe for David.

I'm already in the room.

See?
We're still alive, Moira.
I think we're gonna be okay.

Of course you are.
That's the spirit.

I'm just going to close
this door until you're done.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh! Uh...

Do you like this sweater?

Honestly, while I admire
your courage,

uh, when it comes
to fashion,

I'm just not
the best person to ask.

-Okay.
-What's going on?

Nothing.

-Mmm. You seem stressy.
-I'm not. I'm not stressy.

I just want to make
a lasting impression, so...

It's a job interview?

For a brand manager position
at an upscale boutique.

In Elmdale.

Okay, there are certain lies
I tell myself,

and if you're any kind
of a friend,

you will let me
cling to those lies.

And drive me
to the interview.

So, is this, like,
an either/or type thing?

Can I help you cling
to the lies

and not drive you
to Elmdale?

Okay, I'm gonna
change my sweater

and meet you at your car,
so...

It's like a poncho.

-[door closes]
-[chuckles]

So, the guy says to me,

"Well, I wouldn't try that
with a fractured larynx!"

[both laughing]

I wouldn't
try that, period!

[both laughing uproariously]

-Morning, boys.
-Hi, Johnny.

-[clears throat]
-Oh, man. Oh, boy.

Ah.

Well, if you gentlemen
don't mind,

I'd like to start my day.

Yeah, me, too. Erm...

Do you guys wanna see
a card trick?

Oh, I do.

Okay. First thing
I need is a deck of cards.

All right, you know what,

I hate to break up
this party,

but this is my office,

and I do have
a lot of work to do,

-so up, Roland.
-Your office?

Er, well, that's kind
of interesting, Johnny,

because I don't remember
seeing your application

for a new business licence.

[chuckling] Oh, jeez!

To be a fly on the wall
for this conversation!

Bob, you're in the room.

You know, Johnny, it's
kind of standard procedure

for new businesses
to register.

But then again, I guess
you don't really have

a lot to register, do you?

[Roland chuckles]

Maybe not to you, Roland,

but, er, keep in mind
I did start Rose Video

with $2,000 and a dream,

so it's all about planning.

I see it every day.

Lots of quiet planning.

Sure, he treats himself
to a muffin or two,

but, er, I get
that that's all part
of the planning.

Right, Johnny?

Could be.

Yeah, could be. I mean...

I could look at
this muffin and say,
"This is a fine muffin."

I'd kill for a bagel,
but I haven't seen one bagel
since I got to this town.

Now, back at Rose Video,
I used to get my assistant

to bring me a bagel
every morning.

So, I might think,
"A bagel shop is something
this town could use."

Oh, I love a good bagel,
Johnny.

Do you... Do you think
that idea really has legs?

Well, it's just
an example, Bob.

Ooh, I just get chills
thinking that we're sitting

right in the middle
of the "Johnny Rose
Dream Factory".

Ooh!

Stupid... Baby.

I'll tell you what, Johnny.

Er, instead of
the licence fee,

I'll just take
a bite of your muffin.

Mmm! Good!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I have to go to this
Jazzagals rehearsal, Alexis,

so I'll need your word
you'll remain stable.

We're a long way
from any hospitals.

You can't be playing
fast and loose
with those symptoms.

Alexis?

[shouting] Alexis?

I'm sleeping!

Oh, honey.

Honey, I need to ask you
a serious question.

Has it gotten worse,
or are you just not wearing
any makeup?

Your freaking out
is not helping anything!

Well, I'm sorry, dear,
but you're the first one
to get sick here.

[stammering] And I can't...
I don't...

I appreciate your concern,

but it's only a cold,
and I just need
to get better.

You're right.

Do I have a fever, though?

I don't know.

Can you see?

-Mmm.
-[sighs]

[exhales]

I think you have to do it
without the tissue.

You're right.
Okay, put your hand
up on the forehead.

-Mom!
-[clears throat]

[quietly] Oh, God.

-[gasps] It's warm!
-How warm?

I don't know, Alexis.
I'm not a nurse!

Though I played one once
in a lovely little
production of Harvey.

But she worked
in a mental institute.

[groans]

I blame those late nights
at the barn.

Cold air whistling
in and out,

and you and Mutt not wearing
near enough clothing.

Everybody gets sick
sometimes.

Speak for yourself.

I'm sorry, Alexis.
I'm sorry I must leave you,
but...

Mummy's gotta fight
for her solo.

Argh! [sniffles]

No. Nope.

-No.
-What?

-[David[
Well, this can't be it.
-That's it.

Can't you tell by how
upscale the boutique is?

Well, that's
false advertising!

I've been in this boutique,
and nothing about it
is upscale!

How did you being in this
store ever happen?

I was with Roland.
We were shopping
for Jocelyn.

It's a long,
frightening story.

Anyway, we can't be here.
We need to go.

Why, what's the big deal?

There is a solid chance
I may have insulted
the owner.

Oh, well, that doesn't sound
like something you'd do.

She has
very questionable taste.

-Mmm.
-I may or may not have
told her that to her face.

So, there is no point
in being here.

You can start the car.

I didn't drive
all the way out here
for you not to do this.

Also, this is probably
the only job in this town

that you'll ever be
qualified for.

Okay, so do you want me
to lead with that,

or hold it till the end?
Keep it as a surprise?

You know, Johnny...

I think you're
really on to something
with this bagel idea.

Yeah, but, Bob,
as I said this morning,

it wasn't so much an idea
as it was an example
of an idea.

I see.

Well, for example,
if you were to open
a bagel shop,

what would be
the first thing
you'd need to do?

Well, offhand,
I honestly don't know.

I suppose I'd start
by finding a space.

And then I'd probably
source out a bagel oven
and, erm, a bagel baker.

Sesame seeds?
Gwen loves the ones
with sesame seeds.

Yeah, well, whatever.

And then we get the, er,
blueberry cream cheese.

-Ooh.
-Yeah.

Listen, Bob, I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

but even if this bagel shop
was a viable idea...

-Which I think it is.
-Fair enough.

But, er, you still have
considerable overhead.

I mean, you wanna
make sure you're making
good bagels the real way.

Well... [laughing]

You would certainly know how
to make them "the real way",

because you're, er...
You're...

-Jewish?
-I didn't know
if I could say it.

But, boy,
do you all love your bagels!

I mean, I do, too,
and I'm not even, er...

Jewish. You can say it, Bob.

I don't know why,
it feels like a swear.

-What's the one
you can't say?
-Okay, you know what,

I've got a lot of work
to do, Bob, but thanks
for stopping by.

So, David!

This is quite the resume.

If I ever need
a performance artist,
I know who to call.

-Thank you.
-Skanky!

-Excuse me?
-You called
my store "skanky"

when you were here
with the mayor.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

Well, what I think
I'd bring to the position

is a worldly approach
to merchandising

and sales tactics--
We're not over the skanky
thing, are we?

No. And I can't help
but wonder

why you'd wanna work
in a store you described
as "skanky".

I don't know if we need
to keep saying the word.

Skanky!

Do you still think my store
is skanky, David?

Which is why I feel
like I can help.

You think I need your help?

Well, I am answering
an ad in the paper.

Well, David, I am looking
for a partner.

Someone who believes
in my store.

Well, I can say with
complete certainty

that I see literally
nothing but potential

in your store, you know?

Is the floor overcrowded?
Yeah.

Are the mannequins
a little too busty?
Absolutely.

Does it smell like urinal
cakes in here?

Perhaps.

Well, this is all
very constructive,

and it's clear you have
some strong ideas.

Here's the issue.

It seems as though
you have trouble
filtering negative thoughts.

So, I don't know
if I can trust you

to represent
the Blouse Barn.

Okay. Well, this has
been a treat.

Thank you so much.

I'll need to see you
on the floor,

working with customers.

Okay.

[door opens and closes]

[footsteps approaching]

Can I help you?

Bob want us to meet.

Bob wants us to meet?

-Yeah. May I sit?
-No. No.

[laughs] Hey there, Johnny.

-Bob?
-This is Ivan.

-Uh-huh.
-Take a load off.

Well... Sure, sit...
Sit down.

Ivan would like to help
with the, er, bagel idea.

Well, there's no bagel...
I mean, you know, Bob,

-I already told you...
-I got some brick.

-You've got bricks?
What bricks?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-For bagel oven.
-Yeah.

Ivan works down
at the quarry.

He's got a whole truck
filled with bricks.

[chuckles] Right out front!

Bob, you know, this bagel
shop idea was just an idea.

You know, it's not even
an idea.

It's just an illustration
of a theoretical idea.

Well, that may be,

but do you know how much
a bagel oven costs?

And Ivan here, he's willing
to do it for free.

-As long as I get to...
-As long as he gets
to make the bagels.

-Yeah.
-Ah, well, no one is making
any bagels right now.

-You want me to start
unloading, then?
-No. No unloading.

Ivan, would you excuse us
for a minute?

I just wanna have a word
with Bob.

-Oh, yeah, sure.
-Okay.

Could you stand
and excuse us?

-All right. Oh, okay.
-Er, I'll meet you out there
in a minute.

Bob, you know, we are so...

Oh.

We are so far from
even remotely having
a conversation about this,

you know, business.

Okay.

You said you started
Rose Video with 2,000 bucks
and a dream.

I... Bob, you...
You don't have to...

Let's turn this dream
into green!

Bob, I don't want
your cheque.

[sighs] Oh, my God.

[classical music playing]

-Ooh!
-Do you think
I should get it?

Mmm! That's a question.

-You don't like it.
-I never said that.

I never said that. I feel...

You know, in France,
they say the looser the fit,
the sexier the feel.

-So...
-I've never been to France.

-Okay. What if I pulled
a few other options...
-[door opens and closes]

...and, erm,
see what happens?

I'll be right back.

Hi!

How much longer
do you expect me
to wait in the car

like some hired chauffeur?

Erm, yeah. I'm gonna need
you to do something
for me.

Like, drive home
without you?

Er, no. Wendy has got me
on a bit of a trial run
with the customers,

and I'm gonna need you
to help me out

by looking like you're
enjoying this conversation

a little more than you are.

I'm also gonna need you
to buy a couple blouses
from me.

-"A couple"?
-One. A blouse.

-What about this?
-Well, that's not an option.
That... No.

But I have
my sister's communion
this weekend!

-Okay, don't do that.
-Don't do what?

-Do you not like it?
-Don't, Stevie.

Good recommendation, sir!

This is also gonna be
a smash at my husband's
trial hearing.

He's got good taste!

[David] Okay, so I've pulled
a few options.

Or we can go
with what we have.

-These are stupid.
-Okay.

-[door opens]
-[Moira] Alexis?

The woman
at the general store
said that a girl in Elmdale

recently contracted
avian flu,

so I got you a bit
of... Everything...

Oh. I see you're already
being taken care of.

Hello.

I didn't realise you
were feeling well enough
for company.

I just brought over
a few things
to help break the fever.

And it's really helping.
Thank you.

No, I'm relieved that Alexis
has someone

with such natural
caregiving tendencies.

-I'm gonna go.
-No, babe, stay.

Had I known
your spirits
were so high,

I might not
have spent

the last 45 minutes
of my life

running around buying
cold medication.

I didn't ask you to go buy
cold medication.

When have you ever bought me
cold medication?

Exactly. I knew it didn't
feel right.

[sighs]

I think you're in
good hands now, babe.

-[groans] No.
-Mmm-hmm.

Oh, dear, are we sure
this isn't just mono again?

What with your symptoms
and your lifestyle?

Mrs Rose,
I don't have mono.

Oh, no offence, dear.
Could be others.

-Oh, my God!
-Get some rest.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-[door opens and closes]
-Weren't you supposed to be
at choir practice?

"Rehearsal". Yes.

I was supposed to be there
over an hour ago.

-So, why aren't you?
-Because I kept picturing
you, diseased and all alone.

-That's never stopped
you before.
-I know!

What the hell
is going on, Alexis?

I'm feeling something.
Something debilitating!

You're the ill one,
but I'm...
I'm feeling this...

-This... [sighs]
-Maternal instinct, maybe?

No, that's not it.

-No.
-Maybe.

No.

Have I offended you
in some way, Johnny?

Probably.

I'm just wondering
at what point you decided
to cut me out.

-Of what?
-Well, I assumed
I would be consulted

before we made
any major decisions
about the bagel business.

What decisions?

Well, hiring Ivan,
for one thing.

I don't have
a good feeling
about that guy.

I think he's ex-KGB.

Roland, there is no
bagel business, okay?

It was just a stupid idea
I made up because...
You were right.

-Well, I know that!
-[sighs]

Right about what?

About me not doing anything.

It's tough enough coming up
with a business idea,

let alone a money-making
idea in a town this small,

and I was... I was,
you know, putting a lot
of pressure on myself.

Maybe too much pressure.

And I've been doing nothing
but treading water.

So, I... Started rambling
about bagels this morning.

-[sighs]
-[Bob chuckling]

Look at this.
The brain trust! [laughs]

So, er, I was thinking,
and, er,

I'm not married to it,
but, er...

"Bob's Bagels".

[Roland exhales]

Johnny, I think you have
something you'd like to say
to Bob.

You don't wanna use
the name Bob?

[chuckles] Oh, I get it.

Er, go with something
a little more, er,
Old Testament?

Bob, that's not it, no.

See, there won't be
a bagel shop.

'Cause I've looked into it,
and it's not feasible.

And there already is
a bagel shop in Elmdale.

But Ivan's about to
hand in his notice down
at the quarry, and, er...

I gave you that cheque.

Yes, and of course I'm...
I'm returning
this cheque to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
You took money from Bob?

Why didn't you come to me?

You would've
given me money?

No, of course not.
But as your partner--

You're not my partner!
Not my partner.

Look, Bob, I appreciate
all the confidence
you've shown in me.

I really do,
and, er, I promise you this.

I will come up with a...
A better idea real soon.

You know, er,
next time, er,

I should probably see
a business plan

so I don't invest
so much in another, er,
hollow scheme.

[scoffs] Yeah, me, too.

-You didn't invest.
-Yes, and whose fault
is that?

Hmm.

[Twyla]
Well, congratulations.

Let me get the champagne.
You guys are gonna love it.

It's the same one we use to
celebrate my mom's divorces.

-Great.
-So, how long
before I can return this?

Oh, it's erm, exchange
or store credit only.

-That's funny.
-I'm not joking.

Well, I guess you're
buying drinks tonight.

I can do that. That's fair.

And dinner.

-Okay.
-And if I feel
like dessert...

It's a $12 negligee

on a two-for-one
promotion, so...

Okay, I'll just drop
a little raisin in here
to release the bubbles.

-Ooh.
That's not necessary.
-Okay!

Congratulations.

A whole raisin.

To your first job.

Ooh. Er, my first job was
actually a Gap Kids campaign
when I was six.

-To your first job!
-Mmm!

-I'm so tired.
-Yeah.

Can you tell me a story?

-How about a song?
-No!

Story it is.

Erm...

There once was a radiant
young actress,

who dreamed of having
two sons.

The second of which would
be named Alex.

I don't like this story.

Shh.

Now, it seems the vivacious
daytime Emmy nominee

was surprised
by how taken she was

with this
unanticipated daughter.

Mostly because
she didn't cry as much

as the unmannerly son,

but also because she was

adventurous, carefree...

So beautiful.

Just like her mother.

Alexis.

You're on my arm.

Alexis, seriously.
I can't feel it.

-I can't, Alexis!
-Ah!

-[grunts]
-Go to sleep, dear.