All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S02E03.WEB-DL.NF.en

MOIRA: David! Alexis!

Time to leave for breakfast.

Honestly, David,
why are you not ready?

I'm not going.

How is it that a moth
can find its way

into a triple-locked
titanium suitcase?

The perils of owning
cashmere.

Alexis! Please, dear!

Alexis hasn't been here
for a week and a half.
She's at Mutt's.

Well, that's simply
not true.

I had breakfast with her
just yesterday.

That was me.

We had a lengthy
conversation about hosiery
and menopause.

Again, that was me.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Hello? Anyone here?

Oh, hey.

Could I get you to take
a quick look at my muffler?

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry,
I don't work here.

Oh... That's... 'Cause
you're behind the desk
and everything.

Oh, yeah, no.
I mean, I work here,

but I don't actually work
here...in the garage.

I mean, I am working
here in the garage,

but I don't work
for the garage. I'm...

So you don't know anything
about mufflers?

Because I think it's just
a loose connection on
the bottom.

Yeah, Bob will be back
in a minute, and I think
that's your best bet.

Just, you know,
'cause he comes
and goes, and...

Okay, well, maybe I'll
just...go to another garage.

Yeah, yeah. Well, sorry,
I, uh, couldn't help.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Johnny! Just went out
and got me a muffin.

Bob, a customer
was just in here,

and he was saying
he had a problem with a...
With a muffler.

Oh, yeah? What, uh...
What'd it end up being?

Well, I don't know.
I didn't go out and look!

-Oh?
-I'm not a mechanic!

Well, I don't expect you
to know everything,

but, uh, you know,
if a client of yours
came in here,

I'd certainly talk to them.

Well, I hope you wouldn't.

Well, not that
I have to worry.

I know you're a little
low on clients.

That's because I'm building
a business, Bob.

And right now
I'm in strategy mode,

looking for opportunities,

and eventually I will
implement a plan.

Well, if you feel like, uh,
you might like to, uh,

implement a muffler,
uh, be my guest.

Because I can't afford
to lose any customers
right now, Johnny.

Especially, uh,
when I'm giving away
free office space.

Question.

The cedar planks
out behind the motel,

are they being used
for something,

or are they up for grabs?

How do you know it's cedar?

Um, I bought a cologne once,
in Japan,

that's supposed to smell
like the aftermath of a car
crashing into a cedar tree.

Why would anyone
wanna smell like that?

-Hmm?
-You know what?

Never mind.
Uh, the cedar is yours.

Thank you so much.

Um, if I may,

what are you planning on
doing with a pile of wood?

Oh. Um...

A family of moths
seem to have mistaken
my cashmere sweaters

for an Atlantic City
all-you-can-eat buffet,

and I plan on putting
a stop to that.

So I'm building
a cedar chest for my knits.

You're planning on building
a cedar chest?

That's correct.

You are.

-You're gonna build it?
-It's a box!

So you're just nailing some
planks of wood together.

Anyway, if you've seen
the state of my sweaters,

you'd know that I have very
little choice in the matter.

-So thank you.
-Okay well, don't let me

stand in the way
of your handiwork.

-Mmm-hmm.
-May the force be with you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, genuinely.

Honestly, you're so great.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

-Oh, Twyla...
-(WOMEN CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Twyla!

(SHOUTING) Twyla!

Uh, be right there,
Mrs Rose.

-Hi, Moira!
-Hello, everyone.

Hey. (GIGGLING)

-I'll see you guys later.
-Yeah, see you at 2:00.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

I wasn't sure whether
you were waiting

for your family,
or a friend...

No, just an intimate
breakfast. Nothing special.

No big ladies bruncheon
for me.

Ladies bruncheon?

Well, whatever that was.
A gathering of the girls,
I...

-Oh, you mean
the Jazzagals.
-I do?

Yeah, the Jazzagals
is our singing group.

A singing group? What fun.

Yeah, Jocelyn started it
a few years ago,
and it's been great.

We even went to
New York once.

Oh, a trip to the big city.
How grand!

Let me guess, a bucket
of shrimp in Times Square,

followed by a Lion King
matinee.

No, actually, we performed
in Central Park.

Central Park? Really?

Yeah! For the Little Towns,
Big Voices festival.

You do realise
I'm a professional vocalist?

Oh, really?

I thought you were in,
like, a soap opera.

Oh, I didn't know you were
a fan! Thank you!

My roots are in the theatre.

Especially musicals.
Anything Andy Webber.

Wow! So did you
record an album?

Oh, yes, you'll find me
on ensemble tracks

seven, nine, and thirteen
of the original cast
recording of Starlight...

Starlight Express.

Well, then you should
definitely talk to Jocelyn!

She would love to have you
in the group.

Or perhaps Jocelyn
should speak to me.

-Yeah. Menu?
-Mmm-hmm.

Yes, please, I'm still
not quite off book.

(GROANS)

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Uh-huh?

Uh, hey. I just came by
for Alexis.

She wanted me to grab
some, uh...

-Cute looks for...
-Cute looks for the barn?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, in the closet.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just, um...

I'm just doing some
measurements.

I'm measuring something, so.

Why don't you use
a measuring tape?

Uh, because
we don't have one.

Did you ask Stevie if maybe
the motel has one?

Um... Yeah, I haven't got...

I hadn't thought of...
I didn't think of that.

So what are you measuring,
exactly?

Um,
it's a really tragic story

involving some damaged
luxury cashmere.

And, uh, so I am building a
cedar chest for my sweaters.

So I'm just measuring
how big to make the chest.

-Well, I've built
a chest before.
-Yeah?

And I have some time, um...

Do you want some help?

You know what?
That could be good.

How far along are you?

Um, I'm this far.

(DOOR OPENING)

I can't come in, but I do
have some good news.

That's great.

What's your news?

(LAUGHING) Well, a little
bird chirped in my ear
about your singing group.

Oh, you mean the Jazzagals.

Yes. At first,
I wondered aloud

why would a competitive
vocal group

not reach out
to a trained chanteuse.

Oh, we're just
a group of gals.

Exactly. That's the answer.

Small minds
don't reach for the stars.

No more! Not on my watch.

Jocelyn, I am here!

You wanna audition
for the Jazzagals?

(STAMMERING) Audition.

Uh, though I'm sure
you mean no offence,

in the actual world
of entertainment,

I'm what's known as,
"Offer only."

Moira, I know you're
a great singer.

Everybody has to audition,

and I can't have you
not audition.

It would open up
a whole can of worms.

I mean, even Gwen
had to audition,

and she was in a regional
production of Annie.

Who hasn't been?

Listen, we would love
to have you.

You think about it.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

(HORN HONKING)

Bob! You've got a customer!

(HORN HONKING)

Bob!

Yeah, the, uh...

The owner's just
stepped out, uh, but...

Maybe I can help you?

Hey.

Has Paul Bunyan
finished his box?

Who?

I am going to need
some things for the chest.

Like the number
for a carpenter?

Like a work bench,
a mitre saw,

two bar clamps,
and some dowels.

Okay. Do you know
how to use a mitre saw?

Um, no. Mutt is out back,
and he's asked me to get
these things for him.

Um, we're building
the chest together. So...

Wow, this whole thing
just got a lot weirder.

Um, there's a tool shed
out back. The other side
of the motel.

-Okay.
-Will you be requiring
a tool box?

Maybe?

Um, let's go with yes,
just to be safe.

Uh, will you be needing
your basic toolbox,

or your cedar chest
tool box?

Obviously,
the cedar chest tool box.

(EXHALES)
Oh, that's in the shed.

It's a big wooden box,

with the words,
"Tools to make
a cedar chest"

-carved into the side of it,
so it's really clear...
-Okay.

I'm assuming you're kidding.

Um...

But in the off chance
that you're not,

where in the shed
would I find that box?

(MOUTHING)

You're kidding.

(STEVIE SNICKERING)

JAZZAGALS:
♪ From the heavens

♪ And she did
What she had to do

♪ She called every angel

♪ Nah nah nah nah
Nah nah nah nah

♪ To rearrange the stars

♪ So that each
And every woman

♪ Could find the perfect guy

♪ Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

♪ Oh, It's Raining Men!
Yes! ♪

Bravo! Bravo!

-Moira!
-Hello, you.

-JAZZAGALS: Hi!
-MOIRA: Sorry for
interrupting.

I just... I just thought
I'd stop by.

I was in the neighbourhood.

"Maybe I should showcase
my talents," I thought.

For the group.

Oh, that's great!

Great, you can call it
an audition if you must,

or an impromptu performance.

Or perhaps,
"An evening with..."

That all sounds amazing.

Um, we're just finishing up
a rehearsal.

We just have to work out
a couple of rough spots
in Lena's solo,

and then you can
have the floor.

I'll wait. Far be it for me
to get in the way

of you making
any necessary improvements.

Okay, so we're almost there.

Let's just work out some
of those little rough spots.

-Okay?
-LENA: Okay.

So let's take it from...

"For tonight,
for the first time."

Okay, okay.

(SINGING REALLY WELL)
♪ 'Cause tonight
for the first time

♪ Just about half past ten

♪ For the first time... ♪

Hey, Johnny. Keeping busy,
or, uh, hardly working?

First of all, Bob,
that's not the expression.

Um, take a seat.

If I may... An observation?

To run a business,
you have to be here
to run the business.

You have to be here
to deal with your clients.

That's what I've been
doing all afternoon.

You got some clients.
That's great news!

No, I was dealing
with your customers!

Well, thank you, Johnny,

that's a refreshing
change of attitude.

Bob, you're never here!

And while you were gone,

I helped a customer
fill his tyre with air,

I helped an elderly woman
add oil to her car,

and I sold
the '93 Buick for $350.

You've got to be here
to run your business!

Whoa, you have been busy!

Listen, uh...

Tell me just a little more
about selling that Buick.

Well, it's a funny story.

This guy came in supposedly
for directions, okay?

But anyone with
a background in sales

could see how he was
eyeballing that Buick.

So I slow-play it.

I pretend I don't notice.

And then he sort of mentions
the Buick.

So I hem and haw,
textbook stuff.
I tell him, you know,

"Oh, there's a lot of
interest in that
particular vehicle."

You know, I'm playing
the guy like a bow fiddle.

Then he finally admits
this is the kind of car
that he's been looking for.

"Oh, really?" says I.

That's when I go in
for the kill.

Long story short,
he forks over $350 cash.

And you're welcome.

Certain instincts
you just don't lose.

It's like riding a bike.

(CHUCKLING)
Well, funny you should
use that expression.

Because, uh, Dick Sinson
is gonna be riding his bike

until we can get his car
back for him.

-Who's Dick Simpson?
-I couldn't tell ya.

But Dick Sinson is the fella
whose car you just sold.

He brought it in
for a brake job.

Don't recall him
wanting to sell it.

Oh.

Oh, poor Dick.
He loved that car.

It was a gift
from the church.

He and his family
hit on some, uh,

-some hard times, and uh...
-Yeah, you know what, Bob?

I'll tell ya, I will call
Mr Stinson and apologise.

Well, you can apologise
to Mr Stinson

until the cows come home,

but I don't see how that
is gonna help Dick Sinson!

I'll fix it, Bob!

Here's hoping.

Ridiculous name!

(STAMMERING) Sinson. Sinson.

Dick Sin... Sinson.

MUTT: (SIGHS) We just need
to wait for the glue to dry.

-Shouldn't take too long.
-This is really nice of you.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, well, I can't not
jump in and help

when I see someone
doing something wrong.

Was it wrong or was it
just unconventional?

No, it was wrong.

Okay, well, I'm not
gonna argue with you,

'cause I need you to keep
working. We're in too deep.

Uh, does Alexis
know about this?

Yeah... Definitely.

Can I tell you something?

But you gotta promise
not to tell Alexis.

Okay, um...

If you're experiencing
feelings for me,
like, I totally get it.

Um, and normally,
I'd be into it,

I've just been down
this road before,

and it's... It's messy.

-No, it's about Alexis.
-I see, okay.

Um, well, you know, uh...

What... What is it?

She slept over, like,
a week and a half ago,
and she hasn't left.

-Uh-huh.
-I mean, don't
get me wrong,

I love having her there
at night,

-if you know what I mean.
-Yeah, I do, yeah.

It's just the days,
they've gotten a bit, um...

Suffocating?

I just think that a little
space is a healthy thing.

Mmm-hmm, it is, totally.

I mean, I've been
enjoying it a lot, so.

And I live alone,
and now someone
is there all the time.

-Which is great.
-Mmm-hmm.

But just not every day.

And I just...don't know
what to say.

Well, she sort of fades
into the background
after a while,

you know, like a...
Like a smoke alarm.

Are you just saying that
because you don't want her
to move back here?

Yes, I am.

You just take some time,
you know?

Carve out some time in a day
to just escape.

You know,
do what you wanna do.

It's the only thing
that'll keep you sane.

Because no, you can't
mention any of this to her,

she'd lose her fucking mind.

Yeah.

♪ It's raining men

♪ Every specimen... ♪

-Yeah, almost there!
-(CLAPPING)

-Okay.
-Really good though, yeah.

Okay, Moira, you're up.

I just noticed
the time. Wow.

And you're all very busy,
so why don't we
reschedule this

for two weeks from now,
when you're all
more prepared.

Oh, no, we were done early.
We got plenty of time.

Thank you, but I think
I'm fighting a little bug.

Come on, Moira, audition!

I would love to learn
from a professional singer.

-Really?
-Or we could just all
go home early.

Come on, Moira!

-(CHANTING) Moira! Moira!
-Stop!

-ALL: Moira! Moira!
Moira! Moira!
-(SIGHS) That's cruel!

(CHANTING) Moira!
Moira! Moira! Whoo!

Well, I can't say no
to anyone!

(GIGGLES)
(CLEARS THROAT)

(RATTLING)

(OUT OF PITCH)
♪ Someone held me
All night long

♪ It should've been you

♪ Someone's arms
Were big and strong

♪ It should've been you

♪ It's... I... I wo...

♪ I warned you I was lonely

♪ But you didn't seem
To care, no, no, no,

♪ That you could've been
Do, do

♪ But you gotta
Heed a woman's tears

♪ Whoo-do

(SCATTING)

♪ Someone loved me
All night long

♪ It should have been
Should've been you!

♪ You ♪

That's the end.

Wow, that was...different.

Thank you.

Well, thank you.
I'll leave you to discuss.

(GIGGLES)

-(DOOR SLAMMING)
-(SIGHING)

What's going on?

Um, I'm gonna sleep
here tonight.

Oh, is everything okay?

Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Well, it's just that
you've been spending
a lot of time at Mutt's.

Yeah, I know,
and I actually had to talk
to him about that.

Oh, you did?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Um, like, he brought
all my stuff back,

and I was like,
this is great,

but then, at the same time,
I was just kinda like,

ugh, I feel like I need
my space right now.

Yeah, and that's something
that you said to him.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We were chatting,
and I was just like,

"I feel like I need to
spend a few days
back at the motel."

Yeah.

That's... Again, that's...
You said that?

Yeah, that's what
we were talking about.

Oh, okay. Um...

And how did he
take that then?

Um, well, I mean,
I was kinda worried
about telling him.

I'm sure. Mmm-hmm.

Because I didn't want...

I didn't wanna hurt him,
and I didn't want him
to worry,

like, "Oh, my God,
is he breaking up with me?"

"Is she breaking up
with me?"

Right, yeah, 'cause we
wouldn't want him
to worry about that.

-Yeah, exactly.
-Mmm-hmm.

So... But I'm really glad
that I told him,

and he took it really,
really well. So...

-That's excellent.
-Yep.

That's a cute little
wood thing, David.

Thank you. I made it.

It did seem like a few
of them might have had
some training,

but what I bring
is a certain sophistication,

improvisation, showmanship!

I'm sure you wowed them,
honey.

Oh, John, there were
definitely lots of
surprised looks.

Well, they've probably
never heard the real deal.

I suppose!

Oh, John, it felt so good
to be working the old
muscles again!

Riding the melody.
Bending the notes!

Well, they must've
enjoyed it sweetheart,
if they asked you to join.

Mmm! I know!

I only wish you could've
been there, John.

It would've been so nice
to have you to sing to.

Well, I'm sorry I missed it.

(SIGHING)

♪ In your dreams
I'll soon caress your

♪ Mmm-mmm

♪ In your dreams
I'll nuzzle lovingly...

Sweetheart.

(SCATTING)

-♪ Between you and me
-Honey?

♪ I was older, darling
Dream with me ♪

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)