Original subtitles

(PANTING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(PANTING HEAVILY)

(GASPING)

We're getting out!

We're finally getting out!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS)

I mean it!

-(LAUGHING) -(SQUEALING)

-(SHRIEKING) -(LAUGHING)

Oh, my... Oh, my God!

(CRYING) Oh, my God!

Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you?

Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment,

but you did say that a handful of times.

I think eight, to be exact.

It bears repeating.

My little suity-cases! Oh!

David? Should I take this with me?

If I'm being perfectly honest,

it's very low on the totem pole

of coats of yours that I like.

It was a gift from your father.

Hey, that's a good coat.

I outbid Richard Branson for it

at the Kaminski auction.

I did get sick of having hot coffee

and blood thrown at me.

You know who covets this coat?

Jocelyn.

I could bestow it upon her as a parting gift.

We may want to put pen to paper

before we start giving away designer clothing, sweetheart.

It would be her first piece of clothing

made outside of mainland China.

I'm gonna do it.

Honestly, I cannot wait to get to the beach.

What?

I'm going to St Bart's with Jenna, Leisha

and some other girl with an "ah" name

that I can't quite remember.

Huh.

Why? What are you doing?

Well, I'm gonna go to New York

and, um, see some people.

Oh, what people?

You don't know them. Just people.

I thought everyone just kind of

dropped you like flies

when you couldn't pick up the tab

at the Waverly any more?

Well, that's absolutely not true.

I just have a different

kind of relationship with my friends

where we don't need to be in constant

contact with each other.

Okay.

You should, um,

come to New York after you're done.

And do what, eat a cronut at a Brooklyn flea market?

Well, I was thinking, maybe we could get a...

A two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan

and not have to live in Brooklyn.

Honestly, David, and, like, no offence,

but when I get out of here, I'm gonna get my own place

so I can pack how I wanna pack

and I don't have to be called

a circus freak all the time.

MOIRA: Ding-dong.

Moira, hey!

Hi, Jocelyn.

Gosh, you look so glamorous today.

Oh, thank you. Some days it just works.

Yeah.

So, I guess you heard the news.

I heard there was someone

interested in buying...

-Yes, we're leaving. -I didn't know it was finalised.

And since we're leaving...

Dear God, it feels good to be saying that!

I would like to give you this

as a little keepsake to remember me by.

Wow.

Is it a wig?

No. It's a coat.

It's the coat.

What coat?

The coat you kept going on about that one time.

Are you sure it was me?

Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn,

that I will never see or speak to you ever again.

-Well... -But I will have my memories

and you will have this incredible coat.

Goodbye, dear friend.

Goodbye, Moira Rose.

TED: Hey! What're you doing here?

Um, can I...

-Yeah, yeah, come on in. -(DOG BARKING)

(CAT MEOWING)

-Hey. -Hey.

Um...

So, big news.

We've sold the town.

Wow. Okay, and...

And we're leaving.

We're leaving?

Well, me and my family are leaving.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay. Well, in that case then, um,

here, there's something that I need to show you.

Okay.

Uh...

Originally, we were gonna be

on an all-inclusive vacation when I did this.

What's an all-inclusive vacation?

(GASPS)

Alexis Claire Rose, will you marry me?

Um...

Yes!

If I was staying, then yes!

A thousand times yes!

And if things were different and I wasn't leaving,

um, then definitely yes.

So, is that a no?

Yes.

Are you stealing Roland's truck?

Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla,

but it'll get our bags to the airport.

-So, you wanted to see me? -Yeah.

I had an idea.

Uh-oh.

What if you came with me to New York?

-(LAUGHING) What? -Yeah.

Are you... Really?

-New York? -Yeah.

I don't even know what I would do there.

Oh, you just watch a season of Girls

and do the opposite of what they do.

It's easy.

You have this, like, whole life there,

with all these fancy friends

who, in my head, at least, all dress like you,

and I feel like I'd get lost in the mix.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, all of my friends

will probably be away for the summer

and I have found a really beautiful

two-bedroom in the East Village.

It's beautiful, so...

A two-bedroom.

Yeah. I mean, I was looking at three bedrooms,

but do I really need an office?

I don't know.

Yeah, right.

You're coming! You're coming to New York.

Pack a bag.

Pack two bags. How many bags do you have?

I'm saving you from this dumpy town.

See you soon.

Oh, Twyla.

Oh, hey, Mr Rose.

I heard you guys were leaving.

Yes, yes, we are,

and I just wanted to thank you

for all the great service over the past few months.

You're welcome.

Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure.

Oh.

I'll have a coffee when you get a minute.

(GRUNTS)

Johnny, I gotta talk to you.

Listen, uh...

I don't wanna piss in your punch bowl, okay,

but, um, I got a bad feeling

about this buyer guy of yours, Andy...

Roberts. Right, right. Very successful.

His family made a fortune in the shelving business.

Okay, fine. Um...

He called me while he was bumping

uglies with his old lady.

Oh, no, really?

But that's not the problem.

The problem is he put me on the speakerphone.

I mean, who would do such a thing?

I mean, that's something you would do.

As soon as he put me on his speakerphone, I thought of you.

No, no. That's not something I would do.

And I can't deal with another you.

-But don't worry, 'cause... -Well, I am worried!

It'll be fine. Roland.

This is the guy who's gonna buy the town.

-Just relax. -(MAN LAUGHING LOUDLY)

And here's the kicker,

the second one was a hooker, too!

Yeah, yeah. Okay, see you. See you.

Excuse me, honey,

do you know where I can find Johnny Rose?

I got a meeting with this freakin' douche.

(ROLAND CLEARS THROAT)

The douchebag is right here.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, you're leaving.

What'd Ted say about that?

Uh...

He proposed.

Really?

So, what'd you tell him?

I told him I was leaving.

But if you weren't, you would?

Is this a Barbara Walters special or something?

I'm leaving. That's it.

You don't seem to be crying about it.

I think it's nice you're going back to your natural habitat.

I'm not a dolphin, Mutt.

You know what I meant.

I'm happy for you.

Oh.

I'm glad you're happy about it.

You know, you should really work on

expanding your emotional range at some point.

(ANDY LAUGHING)

So, what you're saying

is he got a little short with you?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You, uh, weren't quite seeing eye to eye?

(LAUGHING)

So, are we gonna sign this puppy or what?

Oh, there's a good idea!

Andy, I've got the bill of sale right here

and if you wanna put your John Hancock

right there on that first tab...

(BABBLING) Hold on a second here.

-I think I got a better idea. -ANDY: What's that?

Why don't you come over to the house tonight

and try some of Jocelyn's famous mac and cheese?

We can sign this then.

Or we can sign it now

and then we can dive into some mac and cheese.

-Right here, Andy. -Ah, I love it.

You know, I could really use a good home-cooked meal.

Well, right after we sign, we can all have one.

And according to Roland here, Jocelyn's hot stuff.

I can't leave town without meeting her.

But then again, if she's that hot,

what's she doing with this guy?

(GUFFAWING)

I can't help it if she's got taste!

-Oh, yeah, right. -(ROLAND LAUGHING)

Yeah, taste. Yeah.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Ah.

Well, excuse you in that coat!

I know! Jocelyn gave it to me.

What?

Knockoffs are getting so good these days.

Thanks. I can't wait till winter.

I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

(CHUCKLES)

So, you did good work, princess.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Perfect attendance, nothing but glowing reviews.

And you must have done some number on Mutt.

What do you mean?

His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway.

-What? -Yeah, maybe he just got bored.

Or maybe he just likes pretty girls in hippie hats.

Know what I mean, string bean?

(HUFFS)

That's a lot of bags.

There's still some space for you, though,

so don't worry.

Yeah.

So, um, about New York.

It sounds amazing, but I can't do it, so...

(STAMMERS) Why? What?

Uh, I don't think we're on the same page

with what going to New York means.

Okay. What does it mean? Does it mean something?

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I like you.

I don't want to like you, but I do.

And so sharing a space with you

as roommates isn't gonna work for me.

Um...

So, I'm gonna take a pass,

but, um... (INHALES SHARPLY)

I'm sure you have a lot of friends

who would love to live with you.

Yeah, not as many as you'd think, so...

Um... Okay.

Well, thank you for being honest,

and I wish I could fix this situation.

Um...

You've been a great friend.

You've been my only friend, so...

Great, nevertheless.

Um...

You've made my life here survivable.

"Survivable." Thank you.

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

So, now I'm gonna go back to New York,

by myself, and, um, you can just stay here then.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah.

I think that's... That's how it has to be.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

(SNIFFLES)

Okay, bye.

Yeah, my granddad opened our family's first shelf factory

in a small town just like this one.

I tell you, this place is bursting with opportunity.

Well, "bursting" seems to be the operative word.

-Mmm. -ROLAND: Whoa.

-So good! -Slow down there, pal.

We got dinner coming and a big dessert after.

-Oh. Oh. -Sex in a pan.

Then we'll have dessert.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ANDY: I love it! This guy's a prince.

-He's a prince! -So, did you try it on?

-What? -The coat.

-The one I gave you. -Yes. It's great.

-Not too snug? -Nope. Buttoned right up.

It zips.

Zips. It zipped right up!

You didn't try it on, did you?

-No. -Oh, why not?

It's a great coat.

At least let us see it on you.

I gave it away.

I'm sorry.

It just...

It didn't suit me, and I thought about Ronnie

and you know she could always use

some more feminine pieces in her wardrobe

and so I took it over to her and she really liked it,

so I paid it forward.

Well, Jocelyn, there are certain things

that are just not done.

Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window,

tipping before tax,

mixing drinks with cola,

and giving away a coat that doesn't belong to you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

It's open.

Hey.

Um, I just came to say

that we'll be leaving as soon as

the sale's signed, so...

-You must be super excited. -Yeah.

Why did you do all that extra community service, Mutt?

Extra community service?

Ronnie said that your hours ended

a long time ago, so...

I like to stay active.

Really?

What do you want me to say?

Well, could it maybe be because of the fact that you

enjoy my company?

Sure.

Don't you even care that I'm leaving?

Of course I care.

-Then what're you doing? -Why are you yelling?

Okay, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Mutt, why did you do that extra community service?

You know why!

Why can't you just say it?

ROLAND: What a lovely surprise!

Come on in. How are you?

I'm just wondering if my dad is here.

Yeah, your dad's here.

Uh, Johnny? Your kid's here.

-Does he wanna come in? -I don't think so.

He doesn't wanna come in, okay.

David, what're you doing here?

I'm just wondering when you think

we're gonna have the cheque ready.

Well, this is not the time for that, David.

Okay, well, you gave me this town as a gift,

so I feel like I'm owed a little bit more.

So, 50% for me, 50% for you.

David, I'm in the middle of something important.

Well, if I'm gonna be going to New York, by myself,

then I'm gonna need a little bit more money.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

-Well, it has to. -It's not gonna happen.

-Well, it has to. -Talk to the hand, son,

because I've gotta watch a pig eat.

(DOOR CLOSES)

What did David want?

As owner of the town, he wants half.

-Everyone's so greedy. -Hmm.

Well, let me take your plates.

There you go.

-Andy, you look a little dewy. -Oh.

I'll get you some fresh coffee.

Oh, good idea.

Is it just me,

or is it this dessert that's making me horny?

(LAUGHING)

-I think it's just you, Andy. -Oh. (CHUCKLES)

You know what?

I think I should let you guys do the nasty.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And then sign the contract. (LAUGHING)

You! This guy! This guy!

Oh, he's a prince, isn't he?

Yeah, he's a prince. Yup.

Okay, well,

I think you are getting a bargain...

-Really? -...with this, Andy.

And to make things easy,

I'm going to put my signature down first.

How 'bout that?

$975,000! Wow.

That's a heck of a lot of cheddar!

Don't you think so, sweet cheeks?

"Sweet cheeks"?

Aren't you the old-fashioned charmer.

Ooh. (GROWLS)

Ready for your signature, Andy.

Drum roll, please.

You know, Andy, $975,000

suddenly seems like such a girly number.

What are we doing, honey?

I mean a million.

That's bold, that's sexy.

That's quite the little lady you have there.

You know, I think the little lady's right.

What's an extra $25,000, Andy?

Come on, it's chump change.

It's cab fare.

$25,000?

For you? Come on. You can cough it up.

All right, let's call it a million! What the heck!

-Yes! Yes! -(LAUGHING)

There we go!

Just initial and sign on the dotted line.

Sign on... What's happening?

What? Oh, my God! Andy! Andy!

-We had him, we had him. -(GROANING)

-We had... -Okay, put the pen in his hand.

-Ah! -Sign! He was going to sign.

-Here we go, here we go. -He was going to sign!

-MOIRA: You, sign! -Andy?

He wanted to sign, Johnny.

-He wants the town. -That's it, that's it.

Just on the line.

What is happening here?

What? What happened? Oh, no! Andy! What happened?

Circulation, Johnny!

Circulation in his hand, right over...

He can't even hold a pen, the poor guy.

-Circulation, circulation. -MOIRA: Over the line,

I'm gonna call an ambulance.

What? No! Wait! No, no, no! No, not yet!

Look, he's looking better already.

MOIRA: Wake up, Andy!

People do come out of comas.

Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

-Hey. -MOIRA: Where were you?

I was out. So, I'm gonna go keep packing.

Wait. John?

I don't have the heart.

The deal fell through, honey.

-So, when are we leaving? -We're not leaving, Alexis.

We didn't sell.

We're not leaving?

(GASPS)

Oh.

Are you going to be all right?

I'm pretty sure I'm engaged,

and I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my fiance.

She'll be okay.

-Where's your brother? -Who?

David.