All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E12.WEB-DL.NF.en

Nope. Nope.

-Hmm?
-Nope. Nope.

-(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
-No. No. No.

Kids, just came in to remind
you to keep Saturday open.

What's Saturday?

What's Saturday?
It's your mother's birthday.

No, her birthday is
the second weekend in May.

That's Mother's Day, honey.

I don't think so.

I just don't think that
this is the year to be
doing something big.

Oh, why? Because we're here,
in this town?

All the more reason
to do something.

Um, I actually
agree with David.

Um, plus, I'm gonna be
in Chicago this weekend.

-You're what?
-Ted's taking me.

We've been planning this
for a super long time, so...

Well, can I come?

-No.
-Okay, here's a news flash
for both of you.

You're not going anywhere

and we're planning
a surprise party
for your mother.

(CHUCKLES)
No. That's not...
That's not a good idea.

That's not a good idea?

Where would you even
throw a party like that
in this town?

I don't know.
I haven't thought
that through yet.

Maybe Roland's house.

Listen to the words
coming out of your mouth.

Then you plan it.

-What? No!
-Oh, snap, David!

Talk to the hand, son,
because the ears
are no longer working.

-Oh, my God.
-Okay, that's not at all
how that works, so...

Cancel your trip, Alexis,
because the travel agent
is out of the office.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-It's so uncomfortable

-when he does stuff
like that.
-No. Absolutely not.

I feel so weird about it.

TED: And on Saturday,
we have the afternoon off,

so I booked us
a Chicago's Best
Deep Dish Pizza Tour.

Oh, my God.

Well, that's probably gonna
have to change, but what
else did you book for us?

Um, well, we're staying

at the Clarendon Executive
Suites and Apartments
downtown.

-Oh, my God.
-Got upgraded.

Does that mean room service?

-Yeah.
-Babe!

-Hi!
-ALEXIS: Hey.

Had an idea for Mom's
stupid surprise party thing.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-What if we told her
that it was a fundraiser?

-She'd have
to say yes, right?
-Yeah, yeah.

'Cause she'd have
to come then, right?

Totally, totally, yeah.

-She loves the
fundraisers and...
-She loves them.

Wait. When's the big party?

It's this Saturday.

Alexis, did you not tell Ted
about your change of plans?

-David, I told you that
I couldn't come to that.
-It's this Saturday?

Yeah. But, David,
I did tell you

that I won't be able
to attend, so...

Well, Lex, I mean,
you can't miss

your own mother's surprise
party.

I am with Ted on this one.

But, babe, you're going
to a veterinary conference

in a Chicago suburb,

and I think that's...

That's really important
for us.

Yeah, I know.
Here's just the thing
about our mom,

she'll be really devastated
if Alexis doesn't come,

and I'm sure you're from
a really solid home and...

-David.
-...understand.

I'm gonna slap you
in the face.

Um, but babe,

what about the...

The travelling pizza tour

that was so...

Yeah, I'm also gonna need
you to ask Mutt for the barn

'cause I'm thinking
of heading in that sort of

aesthetic direction

for the party.

Um, and I know that you guys

have a close working
relationship, so...

No. No.

Sweetie, there will be
other conferences.

I really think that you need
to be here for this.

Me too.

David, you and Mom
literally ruin my life.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

JOHNNY: Roland!

Hey! Johnny Rose!

-How are you?
-I'm good!

-Good.
-Listen. Need a big favour.

Sure.

Saturday is
Moira's birthday

-and we want to throw her
a surprise party.
-Oh!

So, we need an excuse

to get her all dressed up
and out of the house.

Well, dinner at our place.
Problem solved.

Well, tempting, but it's
gotta be something fancy
and elegant.

You know, black tie.

So, we're thinking maybe
Jocelyn is throwing her
"annual charity fundraiser."

She hasn't mentioned
anything to me about it.

Why would she mention it?

(SCOFFS)

Well, Johnny, uh,
if she's planning
a fundraiser,

I think Jocelyn would
mention something about it
to her husband.

It's not a real
fundraiser, Roland.

It's just a pretend
fundraiser to get
Moira out of the house.

You see, I could tell her
about it myself,

but she would catch on
because it falls on the same
night as her birthday.

So, she's gotta hear
about the fundraiser

from someone who doesn't
know it's her birthday.

Okay, so then you
want me to find somebody
who doesn't know.

No. I want you to tell her.

But that doesn't
make any sense.

I know it's her birthday.

You only know it's
her birthday because I just
told you it's her birthday.

Moira doesn't know
you know it's her birthday.

-I won't tell her.
-Why would you tell her?

I won't tell her is what I'm
saying to you.

I won't tell her,
so don't worry about it.

Okay, but now I am worried.
I am worried now.

Look, I'm taking Moira
out for coffees.

We're going up to the cafe,
okay, this afternoon.

Uh-huh.

And that would be
a great time

for you to stop by and drop
the information
about the fundraiser.

Tell me you
understand the plan.

Yes, Johnny,
I understand the plan!

Jeez! And I don't appreciate
being talked to
like a child!

-Okay, I'm sorry. Roland.
-Well, I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry. Look. I'm sorry.
-It's a little demeaning.

It's just so important.
This is really important.

I want to make sure you
understand the plan.

-Okay! I understand,
all right? (CHUCKLES)
-Okay.

I just think it's awfully
short notice to start
planning a fundraiser.

(YELLING)
There is no fundraiser!

Right. No fundraiser.

It's pretend!

Pretend. It's fun time.

So, I am gonna
need a lift to Elmdale.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

I don't know, nothing?

I'm working.

-Oh, you are?
-Yes.

I have a job
that I can't just leave
to drive you to Elmdale.

Okay. Yeah, and I
totally respect that.

It's just that I found
a ganache torte in Elmdale

and I really need to
pick it up before my mom's
birthday thing, so...

I work until 6:00.

Okay, but, like, is anyone
checking in this afternoon?

-It's a cake.
-It's a torte.

Um, is there something
going on?

You could always
just hitchhike.

And wake up
chained to a pole in
a trucker's basement?

-Not today.
-Well, I'm working
at my job,

so I can't just up and leave
because you want cake.

Okay. Well, when you
put it like that,

it makes me
sound ridiculous, um,

which I'm not.

So, thank you...

-(CHUCKLES)
-...for your services
this afternoon.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Hey. Hey.
Sorry I'm late, Johnny.

-Had a little
memorising to do.
-Late for what, Roland?

I don't know what you mean.

For Jocelyn's big shindig.

I'm here to personally
invite the two of you

to a annual...

Elegant dress-up event
that Jocelyn is hosting.

Well, no, I'm not
inviting you,

but I'm saying we're...

We'll see each other there.

-At the very big event
that Jocelyn is hosting.
-JOHNNY: Mmm-hmm.

The whole town
will go to this event.

They'll all be
dressed up and...

Did I... Did I say that
it's a fundraiser?

Oh, sorry, Johnny.
Let me start over here.

Why are you apologising
to me?

You don't have to
apologise to me.

No, no. It's a fundraiser
for the thing with
the children that...

The... With the mouth...
Cleft palates.

And Joc' does it
every year...

Well, Roland, you know what?

We're probably just gonna
be hanging around the motel
on Saturday, you know.

Yeah, no, I'm sure.

It's hard to look
at those kids
and all that, I get it.

But you know what?
We'll dress them up, too.

-It's gonna be...
-Put us down
for four tickets.

-Really?
-MOIRA: Oh, yes.

It's the least we can do
to support Jocelyn's
philanthropic endeavours.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm sure Jocelyn would
really appreciate it.

Well, listen, thank you,
Roland, for that.

You're welcome.
(WHISPERS)
I think that went well.

Okay, thank you.

Okay. So, I guess I'll see
you soon then, Johnny.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Yes, goodbye, Johnny.

(CLATTERS)

-(HORN HONKING)
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, sorry!

(SCOFFS) Could you be
going any faster?

Well, we should
put that up quick.

Um, so, we're planning
this surprise party
for my mom

that's totally not
gonna work

and I'm supposed to ask you
if we can borrow your barn.

But if you can't take
the night off from bedding
women, I totally understand.

Well, who says
I can't do both?

You had a bug in your hair.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Ew!

Jocelyn!

Moira, hi!

Jocelyn, I'm so glad
I've run into you.

Roland was mentioning your
fundraiser earlier today
and it got me thinking.

-My what?
-Your annual fundraiser

for the children
with troubled mouths.

Oh, right. Yes.

It's gonna be quite a night.

I hope so, 'cause I'd
like to be involved.

-With?
-Your fundraiser.

As I'm sure you know,

I was on the board
of some of the most
profitable non-profits,

from San Francisco
to London.

And after speaking
with Roland,
I realised I was remiss

not to gift you with
my wealth of experience.

Wow! That's very generous
of you, Moira.

I was gonna ask you,
but I didn't want to impose.

Jocelyn, you must stop
being intimidated by me.

It's unnerving.

-Sorry.
-No, it's fine.
Just say thank you.

-Thank you?
-There you go!

My pleasure.

Oh, fuck!

JOHNNY: What do you mean
you didn't get the cake?

The only chocolate
ganache cake I could find
was in Elmdale,

and I asked Stevie
to drive me
but she said no,

because I think she's going
through something right now.

I don't know.
Something with her body.

David, I need you.

I was speaking to Jocelyn
about this fundraiser she's
apparently organising...

Whoa, whoa, you were
talking to Jocelyn?

Yes, about the fundraiser,

and the poor thing
looked like a deer caught
in the headlights.

And I cannot stand by

and watch this woman drive
a perfectly worthy cause
into the ground.

So, David, you and I,
we're gonna help her.

Okay.

(SOFTLY) I asked you
to get her invited to
the fundraiser,

not involved in
the fundraiser.

The fundraiser
was your idea.

You didn't think your mother
would get involved in
planning a fundraiser?

My God, she had Hillary
shaking last year at the
Clinton Foundation dinner.

God! Roland.

-Roland. Stupid Roland.
-Roland?

How did Roland
get involved in this?

I got him involved,
it was a bad mistake, okay?

But look, it'll be fine.
I will get the cake
with your sister.

All you've gotta do is keep
your mother under control.

The North Korean army
could not keep
my mother under control

when it comes
to event planning.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORING)

What? Huh?

-(EXHALES)
-Oh!

How long was I sleeping?

I don't know, like 45 maybe.

Oh?

(EXHALES)

Where are we?

We're almost there.

The last sign I saw said,
"Exit Elmdale," so...

I haven't seen it yet,
but we should be
getting there soon.

The last sign said,
"Exit Elmdale?"

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that was the
exit to Elmdale.

We've gone too far,
we've gotta turn back!

-But you were sleeping!
-Well, wake me up!

No! Because you're so grumpy
when you wake...

Like, you're grumpy
right now.

-Oh!
-Oh!

(EXHALES)

Well, Moira, in regards
to the decorations,

David was kind enough
to offer me

an incredibly long list
of the things
to stay away from.

Darling, one does not
just stick a red nose
on it and call it an event.

There is an order
to these things.

Okay, here we go.

Again, what is the
organisation that it's for?

-The surgeons...
-The Doctors Who
Uncleft The Mouths.

Never heard of it.
And who are the trustees?

I don't think
they're gonna come.

Oh, how very churlish
of them.

How much are tickets?

-Um, free?
-We haven't figured out
the ticket price yet.

I'm not paying
for this thing.

Oh, my God! Do you people
know what the word
fundraising means?

Why don't you
leave that up to us?

(SIGHS) Jocelyn,
I need your timeline
and your checklist.

Your plan book.

Well, we have a plan.
It's just we haven't...

You know, we're just...
We're still working...

Listen, Jocelyn is doing
the best that she can,

considering what little
Jocelyn has to work with.

David, personal comments
are in bad taste.

Okay, I'm trying to make
sense of these flowers.

DAVID: What is wrong
with the flowers?

They're seasonal and they

tie in all of the other
design elements that Jocelyn
has come up with.

David, I'm sorry,
but it's coup d'etat time.

If we don't force Jocelyn
to step down this moment,

I don't know how we're gonna
pull off this nightmare.

Why don't you just
sit this one out then?

And you are?

So, David?

(CHUCKLES) I see.
Clearly you don't need

the help of the most
prominent philanthropist
in the country.

No.

Fine. (CHUCKLES)
I wish you all the best.

No, seriously,
I might leave.

Okay, last warning.
In three.

Two.

Oh, my God.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Well, I think she is gonna
be really surprised.

Don't you?

MAN ON TV: ...$9.99.

And I'm telling you,
you can't go wrong.

You go into a jewellery
store, you're gonna
spend thousands.

WOMAN ON TV:
We have made it so simple...

Oh, David, I don't know
how you don't go mad
with those people.

Well, those people are
putting a lot of energy

into raising money
for those kids.

Jump ship. Save yourself.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
to put some pieces
together here for me.

We are throwing a fundraiser

that just so happens
to be on the same night
as your birthday.

Must you rub it in?

We're throwing
a "fundraiser"
on your birthday.

Now you're just being cruel.

The fundraiser isn't real.
It's not a real thing.

Oh!

You're planning
a birthday thing

that I'm not supposed
to know about.

Mmm-mmm.

In a barn?

We can't afford the candles.
They're $2.49.

They don't just come
with the cake?

No, apparently not.

Like matches when
you buy cigarettes?

You smoke?

Um...

No.

Can't we just ask them
to give them to us?

This is not some
co-op commune, Alexis.

You know, if there's
a price tag on it,
you got to pay for it.

Not if you just take them.

Well, that would be
low-bottom behaviour,
wouldn't it?

Okay, well, how do you think
I got these glasses
from the gas station?

You stole sunglasses?

Yeah! It's a gas station.

Oh, my God,
I raised a thief.
Go wait in the car!

Wait in the car
while I pay for this.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

-Hi.
-Hi. Johnny Rose.

I ordered a birthday cake.

-Yeah, chocolate ganache?
-That's right.

Boy, it smells, uh,

so delicious in here.

ALEXIS: (CHUCKLES)
Thank you.

JOHNNY:
There we go, my dear.

Wait, wait, wait.
One last check.

Gorgeous. Perfection.

Like your father
the day I married him.

Look at us,

the Roses,
attending this town's

most illustrious
fundraising gala.

(SOFTLY)
I think you're
overselling it just a bit.

Well, I don't see
any stragglers,
so shall we go in?

I think we're
fashionably late enough.

There's nothing fashionable
about this, but...

After you, my dear.

Where are all the patrons?

JOHNNY: Well, I don't know.

Do we have the wrong night?

(CLICKS)

ALL: Surprise!

What! There's no fundraiser?

You're just here
to celebrate me?

Oh, never in the
history of surprises

has one been so
delightfully blindsided.

(GIGGLES)

Darling.

Okay, who told her?

(POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hi.

-So, your party's
a big success?
-Hmm.

Congratulations.

Yeah, thank you.

Your mom sure
seemed surprised.

Yeah, my mom
was very surprised.

And you got your cake.

Yeah, remember this cake?
I'd asked you
to help me get it.

Yeah, so I need to apologise
for my behaviour earlier.

Mmm-hmm.

-I think it's just that
this whole friend...
-It's that lady time, huh?

Friend thing

is proving
to be a bit tricky

and I think that in
building that barrier up,

I may have built it
a little high.

Okay. Um...

Well, if the barrier's
come down,
can two friends dance?

Is that okay?

Uh, I normally only
slow dance
with strangers, at bars...

-Right.
-...after I've had a few...

Uh-huh.

But, um, I can make
an exception.

Okay.

-Let's dance.
-Okay.

Hey!

Um...

You look really amazing.

Well, I didn't wanna
be the only one
not wearing a suit.

Um, did you have to
kill a man to get it, or...

-I did.
-(CHUCKLES)

It took me a couple
to find one in my size.

But you clean up well.

Ugh! Barely.

I wore this thing
to prom, like,
1,000 years ago,

but it did bring me
some luck that night,
so I wore it here tonight.

You were planning
on getting lucky tonight?

(CHUCKLES)

So, where is Ted exactly?

Um...

He is at...

Like a conference
or something tonight, so...

Do you wanna dance?

Yes.

I do.

TED: Alexis!

-ALEXIS: Ted!
-Hey!

(ALEXIS CHUCKLES)

ALEXIS: What're you
doing here?

Well, I had someone
take my last seminar.
I didn't wanna miss this.

-Hey, man.
-Hey.

Come on, let's dance.

Great suit, bud.

Thanks.

ALEXIS: Babe,
I thought you had that...

Killed somebody for it.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)
I love my party, John.

But please
don't ever do it again.

Well, the surprise was on me

-'cause this town cleaned
itself up pretty well.
-Mmm-hmm.

What?