Original subtitles

Nope. Nope.

-Hmm? -Nope. Nope.

-(KNOCKS ON DOOR) -No. No. No.

Kids, just came in to remind you to keep Saturday open.

What's Saturday?

What's Saturday? It's your mother's birthday.

No, her birthday is the second weekend in May.

That's Mother's Day, honey.

I don't think so.

I just don't think that this is the year to be doing something big.

Oh, why? Because we're here, in this town?

All the more reason to do something.

Um, I actually agree with David.

Um, plus, I'm gonna be in Chicago this weekend.

-You're what? -Ted's taking me.

We've been planning this for a super long time, so...

Well, can I come?

-No. -Okay, here's a news flash for both of you.

You're not going anywhere

and we're planning a surprise party for your mother.

(CHUCKLES) No. That's not... That's not a good idea.

That's not a good idea?

Where would you even throw a party like that in this town?

I don't know. I haven't thought that through yet.

Maybe Roland's house.

Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

Then you plan it.

-What? No! -Oh, snap, David!

Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.

-Oh, my God. -Okay, that's not at all how that works, so...

Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office.

-(DOOR CLOSES) -It's so uncomfortable

-when he does stuff like that. -No. Absolutely not.

I feel so weird about it.

TED: And on Saturday, we have the afternoon off,

so I booked us a Chicago's Best Deep Dish Pizza Tour.

Oh, my God.

Well, that's probably gonna have to change, but what else did you book for us?

Um, well, we're staying

at the Clarendon Executive Suites and Apartments downtown.

-Oh, my God. -Got upgraded.

Does that mean room service?

-Yeah. -Babe!

-Hi! -ALEXIS: Hey.

Had an idea for Mom's stupid surprise party thing.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. -What if we told her that it was a fundraiser?

-She'd have to say yes, right? -Yeah, yeah.

'Cause she'd have to come then, right?

Totally, totally, yeah.

-She loves the fundraisers and... -She loves them.

Wait. When's the big party?

It's this Saturday.

Alexis, did you not tell Ted about your change of plans?

-David, I told you that I couldn't come to that. -It's this Saturday?

Yeah. But, David, I did tell you

that I won't be able to attend, so...

Well, Lex, I mean, you can't miss

your own mother's surprise party.

I am with Ted on this one.

But, babe, you're going to a veterinary conference

in a Chicago suburb,

and I think that's...

That's really important for us.

Yeah, I know. Here's just the thing about our mom,

she'll be really devastated if Alexis doesn't come,

and I'm sure you're from a really solid home and...

-David. -...understand.

I'm gonna slap you in the face.

Um, but babe,

what about the...

The travelling pizza tour

that was so...

Yeah, I'm also gonna need you to ask Mutt for the barn

'cause I'm thinking of heading in that sort of

aesthetic direction

for the party.

Um, and I know that you guys

have a close working relationship, so...

No. No.

Sweetie, there will be other conferences.

I really think that you need to be here for this.

Me too.

David, you and Mom literally ruin my life.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

JOHNNY: Roland!

Hey! Johnny Rose!

-How are you? -I'm good!

-Good. -Listen. Need a big favour.

Sure.

Saturday is Moira's birthday

-and we want to throw her a surprise party. -Oh!

So, we need an excuse

to get her all dressed up and out of the house.

Well, dinner at our place. Problem solved.

Well, tempting, but it's gotta be something fancy and elegant.

You know, black tie.

So, we're thinking maybe Jocelyn is throwing her "annual charity fundraiser."

She hasn't mentioned anything to me about it.

Why would she mention it?

(SCOFFS)

Well, Johnny, uh, if she's planning a fundraiser,

I think Jocelyn would mention something about it to her husband.

It's not a real fundraiser, Roland.

It's just a pretend fundraiser to get Moira out of the house.

You see, I could tell her about it myself,

but she would catch on because it falls on the same night as her birthday.

So, she's gotta hear about the fundraiser

from someone who doesn't know it's her birthday.

Okay, so then you want me to find somebody who doesn't know.

No. I want you to tell her.

But that doesn't make any sense.

I know it's her birthday.

You only know it's her birthday because I just told you it's her birthday.

Moira doesn't know you know it's her birthday.

-I won't tell her. -Why would you tell her?

I won't tell her is what I'm saying to you.

I won't tell her, so don't worry about it.

Okay, but now I am worried. I am worried now.

Look, I'm taking Moira out for coffees.

We're going up to the cafe, okay, this afternoon.

Uh-huh.

And that would be a great time

for you to stop by and drop the information about the fundraiser.

Tell me you understand the plan.

Yes, Johnny, I understand the plan!

Jeez! And I don't appreciate being talked to like a child!

-Okay, I'm sorry. Roland. -Well, I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry. Look. I'm sorry. -It's a little demeaning.

It's just so important. This is really important.

I want to make sure you understand the plan.

-Okay! I understand, all right? (CHUCKLES) -Okay.

I just think it's awfully short notice to start planning a fundraiser.

(YELLING) There is no fundraiser!

Right. No fundraiser.

It's pretend!

Pretend. It's fun time.

So, I am gonna need a lift to Elmdale.

What does it look like I'm doing?

I don't know, nothing?

I'm working.

-Oh, you are? -Yes.

I have a job that I can't just leave to drive you to Elmdale.

Okay. Yeah, and I totally respect that.

It's just that I found a ganache torte in Elmdale

and I really need to pick it up before my mom's birthday thing, so...

I work until 6:00.

Okay, but, like, is anyone checking in this afternoon?

-It's a cake. -It's a torte.

Um, is there something going on?

You could always just hitchhike.

And wake up chained to a pole in a trucker's basement?

-Not today. -Well, I'm working at my job,

so I can't just up and leave because you want cake.

Okay. Well, when you put it like that,

it makes me sound ridiculous, um,

which I'm not.

So, thank you...

-(CHUCKLES) -...for your services this afternoon.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Hey. Hey. Sorry I'm late, Johnny.

-Had a little memorising to do. -Late for what, Roland?

I don't know what you mean.

For Jocelyn's big shindig.

I'm here to personally invite the two of you

to a annual...

Elegant dress-up event that Jocelyn is hosting.

Well, no, I'm not inviting you,

but I'm saying we're...

We'll see each other there.

-At the very big event that Jocelyn is hosting. -JOHNNY: Mmm-hmm.

The whole town will go to this event.

They'll all be dressed up and...

Did I... Did I say that it's a fundraiser?

Oh, sorry, Johnny. Let me start over here.

Why are you apologising to me?

You don't have to apologise to me.

No, no. It's a fundraiser for the thing with the children that...

The... With the mouth... Cleft palates.

And Joc' does it every year...

Well, Roland, you know what?

We're probably just gonna be hanging around the motel on Saturday, you know.

Yeah, no, I'm sure.

It's hard to look at those kids and all that, I get it.

But you know what? We'll dress them up, too.

-It's gonna be... -Put us down for four tickets.

-Really? -MOIRA: Oh, yes.

It's the least we can do to support Jocelyn's philanthropic endeavours.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm sure Jocelyn would really appreciate it.

Well, listen, thank you, Roland, for that.

You're welcome. (WHISPERS) I think that went well.

Okay, thank you.

Okay. So, I guess I'll see you soon then, Johnny.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Yes, goodbye, Johnny.

(CLATTERS)

-(HORN HONKING) -(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, sorry!

(SCOFFS) Could you be going any faster?

Well, we should put that up quick.

Um, so, we're planning this surprise party for my mom

that's totally not gonna work

and I'm supposed to ask you if we can borrow your barn.

But if you can't take the night off from bedding women, I totally understand.

Well, who says I can't do both?

You had a bug in your hair.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Ew!

Jocelyn!

Moira, hi!

Jocelyn, I'm so glad I've run into you.

Roland was mentioning your fundraiser earlier today and it got me thinking.

-My what? -Your annual fundraiser

for the children with troubled mouths.

Oh, right. Yes.

It's gonna be quite a night.

I hope so, 'cause I'd like to be involved.

-With? -Your fundraiser.

As I'm sure you know,

I was on the board of some of the most profitable non-profits,

from San Francisco to London.

And after speaking with Roland, I realised I was remiss

not to gift you with my wealth of experience.

Wow! That's very generous of you, Moira.

I was gonna ask you, but I didn't want to impose.

Jocelyn, you must stop being intimidated by me.

It's unnerving.

-Sorry. -No, it's fine. Just say thank you.

-Thank you? -There you go!

My pleasure.

Oh, fuck!

JOHNNY: What do you mean you didn't get the cake?

The only chocolate ganache cake I could find was in Elmdale,

and I asked Stevie to drive me but she said no,

because I think she's going through something right now.

I don't know. Something with her body.

David, I need you.

I was speaking to Jocelyn about this fundraiser she's apparently organising...

Whoa, whoa, you were talking to Jocelyn?

Yes, about the fundraiser,

and the poor thing looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

And I cannot stand by

and watch this woman drive a perfectly worthy cause into the ground.

So, David, you and I, we're gonna help her.

Okay.

(SOFTLY) I asked you to get her invited to the fundraiser,

not involved in the fundraiser.

The fundraiser was your idea.

You didn't think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser?

My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.

God! Roland.

-Roland. Stupid Roland. -Roland?

How did Roland get involved in this?

I got him involved, it was a bad mistake, okay?

But look, it'll be fine. I will get the cake with your sister.

All you've gotta do is keep your mother under control.

The North Korean army could not keep my mother under control

when it comes to event planning.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORING)

What? Huh?

-(EXHALES) -Oh!

How long was I sleeping?

I don't know, like 45 maybe.

Oh?

(EXHALES)

Where are we?

We're almost there.

The last sign I saw said, "Exit Elmdale," so...

I haven't seen it yet, but we should be getting there soon.

The last sign said, "Exit Elmdale?"

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that was the exit to Elmdale.

We've gone too far, we've gotta turn back!

-But you were sleeping! -Well, wake me up!

No! Because you're so grumpy when you wake...

Like, you're grumpy right now.

-Oh! -Oh!

(EXHALES)

Well, Moira, in regards to the decorations,

David was kind enough to offer me

an incredibly long list of the things to stay away from.

Darling, one does not just stick a red nose on it and call it an event.

There is an order to these things.

Okay, here we go.

Again, what is the organisation that it's for?

-The surgeons... -The Doctors Who Uncleft The Mouths.

Never heard of it. And who are the trustees?

I don't think they're gonna come.

Oh, how very churlish of them.

How much are tickets?

-Um, free? -We haven't figured out the ticket price yet.

I'm not paying for this thing.

Oh, my God! Do you people know what the word fundraising means?

Why don't you leave that up to us?

(SIGHS) Jocelyn, I need your timeline and your checklist.

Your plan book.

Well, we have a plan. It's just we haven't...

You know, we're just... We're still working...

Listen, Jocelyn is doing the best that she can,

considering what little Jocelyn has to work with.

David, personal comments are in bad taste.

Okay, I'm trying to make sense of these flowers.

DAVID: What is wrong with the flowers?

They're seasonal and they

tie in all of the other design elements that Jocelyn has come up with.

David, I'm sorry, but it's coup d'etat time.

If we don't force Jocelyn to step down this moment,

I don't know how we're gonna pull off this nightmare.

Why don't you just sit this one out then?

And you are?

So, David?

(CHUCKLES) I see. Clearly you don't need

the help of the most prominent philanthropist in the country.

No.

Fine. (CHUCKLES) I wish you all the best.

No, seriously, I might leave.

Okay, last warning. In three.

Two.

Oh, my God.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Well, I think she is gonna be really surprised.

Don't you?

MAN ON TV: ...$9.99.

And I'm telling you, you can't go wrong.

You go into a jewellery store, you're gonna spend thousands.

WOMAN ON TV: We have made it so simple...

Oh, David, I don't know how you don't go mad with those people.

Well, those people are putting a lot of energy

into raising money for those kids.

Jump ship. Save yourself.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put some pieces together here for me.

We are throwing a fundraiser

that just so happens to be on the same night as your birthday.

Must you rub it in?

We're throwing a "fundraiser" on your birthday.

Now you're just being cruel.

The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.

Oh!

You're planning a birthday thing

that I'm not supposed to know about.

Mmm-mmm.

In a barn?

We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.

They don't just come with the cake?

No, apparently not.

Like matches when you buy cigarettes?

You smoke?

Um...

No.

Can't we just ask them to give them to us?

This is not some co-op commune, Alexis.

You know, if there's a price tag on it, you got to pay for it.

Not if you just take them.

Well, that would be low-bottom behaviour, wouldn't it?

Okay, well, how do you think I got these glasses from the gas station?

You stole sunglasses?

Yeah! It's a gas station.

Oh, my God, I raised a thief. Go wait in the car!

Wait in the car while I pay for this.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

-Hi. -Hi. Johnny Rose.

I ordered a birthday cake.

-Yeah, chocolate ganache? -That's right.

Boy, it smells, uh,

so delicious in here.

ALEXIS: (CHUCKLES) Thank you.

JOHNNY: There we go, my dear.

Wait, wait, wait. One last check.

Gorgeous. Perfection.

Like your father the day I married him.

Look at us,

the Roses, attending this town's

most illustrious fundraising gala.

(SOFTLY) I think you're overselling it just a bit.

Well, I don't see any stragglers, so shall we go in?

I think we're fashionably late enough.

There's nothing fashionable about this, but...

After you, my dear.

Where are all the patrons?

JOHNNY: Well, I don't know.

Do we have the wrong night?

(CLICKS)

ALL: Surprise!

What! There's no fundraiser?

You're just here to celebrate me?

Oh, never in the history of surprises

has one been so delightfully blindsided.

(GIGGLES)

Darling.

Okay, who told her?

(POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hi.

-So, your party's a big success? -Hmm.

Congratulations.

Yeah, thank you.

Your mom sure seemed surprised.

Yeah, my mom was very surprised.

And you got your cake.

Yeah, remember this cake? I'd asked you to help me get it.

Yeah, so I need to apologise for my behaviour earlier.

Mmm-hmm.

-I think it's just that this whole friend... -It's that lady time, huh?

Friend thing

is proving to be a bit tricky

and I think that in building that barrier up,

I may have built it a little high.

Okay. Um...

Well, if the barrier's come down, can two friends dance?

Is that okay?

Uh, I normally only slow dance with strangers, at bars...

-Right. -...after I've had a few...

Uh-huh.

But, um, I can make an exception.

Okay.

-Let's dance. -Okay.

Hey!

Um...

You look really amazing.

Well, I didn't wanna be the only one not wearing a suit.

Um, did you have to kill a man to get it, or...

-I did. -(CHUCKLES)

It took me a couple to find one in my size.

But you clean up well.

Ugh! Barely.

I wore this thing to prom, like, 1,000 years ago,

but it did bring me some luck that night, so I wore it here tonight.

You were planning on getting lucky tonight?

(CHUCKLES)

So, where is Ted exactly?

Um...

He is at...

Like a conference or something tonight, so...

Do you wanna dance?

Yes.

I do.

TED: Alexis!

-ALEXIS: Ted! -Hey!

(ALEXIS CHUCKLES)

ALEXIS: What're you doing here?

Well, I had someone take my last seminar. I didn't wanna miss this.

-Hey, man. -Hey.

Come on, let's dance.

Great suit, bud.

Thanks.

ALEXIS: Babe, I thought you had that...

Killed somebody for it.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS) I love my party, John.

But please don't ever do it again.

Well, the surprise was on me

-'cause this town cleaned itself up pretty well. -Mmm-hmm.

What?