Original subtitles

(JOHNNY READING)

MOIRA: Ahhh!

-Fuck me. Fuck me. -What?

-Fuck me! -What?

-John, there's something in the bed! -What?

Something crawled up my leg and I can't see it!

-What? -I can't see it!

-A spider? -No! Something invisible

like lice or scabies or bed bugs!

-Oh, we don't have bed bugs. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, John, I can't afford to burn all my clothes.

-Oh, Moira, relax. -(WHIMPERS)

Just relax. If we had lice, I'd have lice.

Guess who?

Dee Dee!

-Hi, Momo. -What the hell?

I'm sorry. I know I should've called, but, um,

I just thought it'd be really fun to come see my older sister

in her new digs.

You know, a little visit. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Um...

Do you really have lice? I'd hate to contract

lice.

So, Dee Dee, you are, uh,

looking well.

Seaweed facials. I get one every week.

But enough about me, I wanna talk about you guys.

(MUFFLED) Oh.

I want you to know

that I really wanted

to come and visit you

when I heard about your life collapsing,

but I got this really big job promotion that week

and things got, you know, kind of crazy.

Plus, we haven't really seen much of each other recently.

Yes, well, we've had kind of a hectic year.

Well, thank goodness for the Internet.

Seemed to be the only thing letting me know you two were still alive.

MOIRA: Telephone is also amazing.

You just push the buttons and say,

"Hi, it's me, your deadbeat sister."

Well, it's a treat seeing you two going at it again.

Kids!

Come in and say hi to your Aunt Dee Dee.

Better hurry before she disappears for another decade.

DEE DEE: Ohhh! Oh!

What?

Look at you guys. You've grown.

Why did I think that you were dead?

Ah, you're so sweet.

Now, how long has it been since we've seen each other?

I think you crashed one of my pool parties

with some guy you were calling "Uncle Julio."

Oh! (CHORTLING)

I remember that.

All right, you guys treat yourself, okay? Buy yourself something nice.

-$100? -Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. I missed you. -Oh, my goodness. Wow.

I missed you so much. I missed you so much.

Oh, gosh, look at them. They are sweet kids.

I don't know what you were so worried about, Moira.

Dee Dee, what are you doing here?

Are you staying here at the motel? Can I get you a room?

No. God, no.

No, I mean...

No, I booked myself into a junior suite

at the Comfort Inn in Elmdale, thank you.

This is very darling. It's just, it doesn't have a gym

and I'm kind of in the best shape of my life right now,

and I kind of wanna keep it that way.

Okay.

Okay, so you're saying that I would be as in shape as you are

if I just fixed lights all day?

Pretty much. Well,

a few pull-ups here and there.

Okay, so you do work out.

-You are such a liar. -(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Wow. Did Stevie say something funny or...

-Grant, this is David Rose. -Hi.

-He's one of our permanent guests here. -Don't say that, again.

-Grant does repairs around here. -Oh, great.

He was also just trying to tell me that he got that body

from just being a handyman.

Well, isn't Grant just a big, fat liar.

Um...

I gotta grab the right Marrette, so.

My head is all over the place. She keeps distracting me. (CHUCKLES)

-Yeah. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Wow. He is wearing a tight shirt.

(CHUCKLES)

So, is he gonna do some repairs on your...

On your undies?

Who's to say he hasn't already?

Wow. Great.

Why? Is that a problem for you?

No. No. Do you.

Do him. Do both.

-Do things. Yeah. -Great. I think I might.

Good. Jump in.

So...

We should probably establish some boundaries

about this whole friends-with-benefits thing.

Okay. Yeah. No, let's do that.

Let's, uh... Let's put up some boundaries

for the infrequent benefits that our friendship has.

I think that's really good.

Can we do that after you screw Mr Fix-it,

or would you like to do it now?

Let's throw some boundaries up.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Twyla.

(TWYLA HUMMING)

Twyla.

Twyla?

I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.

That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning.

-Okay. -What can I get you guys?

Just coffees. Thanks.

So what's going on over there?

I'm just working on something. Just a little thing for Mutt.

Oh. Is it his birthday or something?

No. My dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song."

He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac

and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him

before the band hit him with a restraining order.

So you're writing a song for Mutt, then?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

Cute. So what, is it about

your feelings, or is it love and... What?

Are we shooting a Dateline investigative report?

No, we're not. I'm just looking out for my friend.

Um...

Honestly, Twy,

ixnay on the ongsay.

Because I tried it once

and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands

and he just started smashing it on the ground.

Granted, I am tone deaf and he was a...

He was a super angry Marine, but...

Just let the girl write her boyfriend a song.

Okay, I know. And I'm all for it, I'm all for it.

I just think it's... I think it's a super big mistake.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

David!

Jocelyn. Hi.

Can I ask you something?

Uh, that depends.

How shall I put this?

You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.

Thank you.

Your floral top, for instance.

Is there something I can help you with?

Well, there's a new kid in my school and he's having a little trouble fitting in.

Mmm-hmm.

He's also struggling with his sexuality,

which I think that you may be also...

What can I help you with, Jocelyn?

Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be wonderful

if you could come down to the school,

you know, maybe talk to him and tell him that things only get better.

The idea of me life coaching another human being

should scare you.

A lot. I don't...

I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, and, honey,

get the quilted, that other stuff will chafe you right up.

So, this is weird.

Um, today marks the longest relationship

that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.

Voluntarily?

Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um,

a three-month affair with a Saudi prince,

but for the last two months of that,

I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.

Um, so, hey. How is it going with you and Twyla?

You guys are looking cute.

Uh...

I don't know.

Why? What's going on?

I don't know. It... It's nothing. It's fine.

Okay, if my boyfriend ever described our relationship as "fine,"

-I think I would literally... -It's just...

-It feels like it's run its course. -What?

And I think we've both known it for a while now.

Oh.

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, give me a break.

How did you find me?

Well, where else is there to go?

And Johnny may have told me.

Thank you, Johnny.

Moira, why are you making this so difficult for me?

Oh. Where do I start?

Uh, you know, I think it's best we don't go there.

No, I'd like to go there. Please, take me.

$50,000. Does that sound familiar?

-Yes. You gave that to me as a down payment... -No, loaned it.

You gave it to me as a down payment for my Buffalonian town house.

We handed you the money and you said...

-Thank you? -Ugh. Too late.

Well, Moira,

considering you had over $500 million in the bank,

I'm a little personally offended that I didn't get more.

Go away, Dee Dee.

No. No.

Not till I do what I came here to do.

Didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I forgot.

-You don't have feelings. -Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

Yes, yes. I am paying you back.

It's not everything, but it's a start.

So walk me through this, she offered you a cheque and you turned it down?

She was insulting us.

Moira, the woman dates dive-bar owners, okay?

Let her insult us.

Well, I don't know whether you've noticed, but we could use the money.

You talk about bed bugs?

That cheque could pay for fumigation.

Better yet, we could move to a place that doesn't have bed bugs.

I don't want her money. I want our money. She owes us.

We loaned her $50,000.

-We gave her $50,000. -Oh.

And you spent more than that on wigs that year.

I don't see anyone else lining up to give us checks.

Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking her side, but she's offering us a way out

and you're letting your pride get in the way.

It's all I have left, John, literally.

Swallow it, Moira.

-I can't! -Yes, you can.

And then we can buy a case of champagne to wash it down with.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

DAVID: So, you and Grant.

How are things going?

Uh, well, he asked me out for dinner tonight, so we're gonna do that.

We're gonna go for dinner, Grant and I.

Yeah. Yeah, that's...

Well, he seems like a really, like, respectable guy.

Like one of those guys that has like a

candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table or something.

Oh, I hope so. Wonder what colour I'll get.

-Yeah. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, I am mentoring a teen in crisis, later.

That's what I'm doing. One of Jocelyn's students, so.

He's being bullied because he's different, so I'm helping to change his life.

-Giving back. So, yeah. -Wow.

And on a scale of one to 10, how much are you looking forward to that?

Three point five. I'm gonna leave you be because it's not every day

you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so that...

-(DOOR OPENING) -Oh, Grant.

GRANT: Hi.

Hey.

What're you doing? You checking out porn again?

(LAUGHING)

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

Um... Warmest regards to you both.

Best wishes.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Such a weird dude.

Yes. Yes, he is.

(METAL CLATTERING)

(BALLS BOUNCING)

You must be Connor.

Yeah.

I don't know how much Mrs Schitt has told you,

but she's asked me to come in and have a chat.

She thinks that since we're both new here,

it might be worth talking about some things like, you know, fitting in.

Apparently you're having trouble fitting in.

(STAMMERING) Who are you?

Uh, my name is David.

Are you like a doctor, or something? A psychologist?

Am I what? Uh, no.

So why would I talk to you?

I don't know.

Because your teacher is concerned that you're having trouble adjusting.

So she told you to come here and, what, help me?

Look at you. Look at your pants.

Excuse me. I am sensing a tinge of disrespect here.

Let me tell you what my problem is.

I'm a 16-year-old gay kid living in a town that makes me wanna throw up.

The issue isn't me not fitting in. It's me not wanting to fit in.

Is there anything else you wanna help me with?

No.

Go ahead and order whatever you want. This is on us.

Oh.

They're letting you run up a long tab, are they?

You see?

Well, I hear the pork is very good here.

The ribs, the chops, the roast.

Nothing for me, thanks.

Well, isn't that funny because Moira doesn't eat here, either.

But I will be eating and I just don't know whether to have the ribs or the chops,

but I'm definitely ordering pork.

If you mention pork one more time...

Moira, um, don't you have something you wanna say to your sister?

No.

Oh, I'm pretty sure you do.

I'm pretty sure I don't.

Thank you for trying, Johnny. Truly.

But, like, I'm just really uncomfortable right now

with my older sister acting like a stubborn child.

Okay, why don't we all take a deep breath here

and try and remember what's really important.

Okay? We are family.

And we have to hang on to that.

And you know as well as I do, Moira, that times of crisis,

the one thing we need to hang on to is family.

Okay, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Dee Dee,

we appreciate you coming to this town

and offering whatever it is you're offering, much appreciated.

'Cause, seriously, I thought you were just coming here to gloat.

No, no, no.

I came here in the spirit of giving and forgiving.

The gloating thing was a bonus.

Moira, go on.

Yes, go on.

We need help.

Please help us.

Okay, I will.

Hmm.

Oh.

I'm gonna do this for you, but mostly, I'm doing it for me.

Why? Because you can't and I can.

Oh.

DEE DEE: Okay.

How much we gonna make this out for?

Oh.

I haven't the foggiest. I couldn't...

I couldn't come up with a number. I mean, I...

Whatever you think is fair.

Well, you guys gave me 50 grand, right?

Yes, we gave you 50,000 when we had the money.

But I can't...

I can't ask you for $50,000.

Whatever you think is the equivalent amount.

Okay, I think I can do you

a little better than that. Okay?

Oh.

So unnecessary, Dee Dee,

but thank you.

Well, who's up for pork?

Okay, so you're telling me

your girlfriend is on a date with someone else

and instead of doing something about it, you're here talking to me,

a kid who practically has no respect for you.

Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy.

Second of all, she is not my girlfriend.

She's someone that I'm occasionally having sex with

because we're both bored and desperate.

Ah. You're doing a friends-with-benefits thing with this girl.

Have you not seen the 42 films they've made about it? It never works.

Okay, well, movies aren't always right, all right?

You'll learn that later in life.

I happen to be a little bit older than you are, so...

-Obviously. -Okay.

Well, I think we're good here.

You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable?

I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer?

Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?

Hey. Can I grab a glass of water?

-Yeah, sure. -Thank you.

So how's the, uh, song going? Is that...

-Is the song still a thing? -Yeah. Do you wanna hear some of it?

Um, I would love to, but I actually hate music,

so I don't think I'd be a very good judge.

-You hate music? -Uh-huh.

Are you sure that Mutt likes music?

'Cause I feel like if he didn't, it could be kind of awkward.

Are you feeling okay?

Um, I just don't think

that the song thing is a good idea.

For, like, a lot of reasons.

Um...

Are you sure that you wanna put yourself in such a vulnerable situation, Twy?

Are you saying you don't think Mutt would like it?

I don't know. I mean...

I'm not sure.

Maybe, but... I don't... I'm not... Yeah, I'm not sure.

Did you talk to Mutt?

Because I know that we've been sort of off for a while,

and I've been just trying to think of things to make it better, and so I'm...

You know, I'm just trying to make it work.

I think that you should talk to Mutt before

breaking into song.

Thank you, Alexis.

For what?

Bye.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

In all honesty, Mutt was just a placeholder.

According to my tea leaves, the guy I'm supposed to marry is black, so...

(DOOR CLOSING)

-What and why are we drinking? -Oh, my goodness.

Um, I don't know, and today, some snippy teen told me that my life was a mess.

And I am now a single person.

Oh.

So did you spend the night washing your clothes on Grant's abs?

-You're funny. -Mmm-hmm.

Um, Grant went to the bathroom and never came back.

-Thank you. -What?

He went to the bathroom and never came back?

-Mmm-hmm. -Oh.

So either I was stood up halfway through my date,

or Grant has some serious digestive issues.

Wow.

Sounds like a real catch.

-Mmm-hmm -Um...

So word on teen street

is that our little friends-with-benefits situation is a...

-Not a good idea? -Bad. Is a bad idea.

And because I don't have any other friends here,

I can't afford to lose you, so I think it's best if we just...

-Friends. -Friends. Yeah.

-I think that's best. -Yes.

Good. This is good.

-That's good, right? -It's good.

Okay. Well, warmest wishes to that.

-Kindest regards. -Yeah.

Cheers.

Hoo. (INHALES SHARPLY)

-Twy, that's... -Hmm.

-(SNIFFS) -It's good, right?

My eyes are tearing.

So this is it?

After all that?

And we paid for the dinner.

So we lost money on the whole deal.

(DEEP SIGHING)

I'll tell you,

she's gonna be embarrassed when this thing gets cashed.

She will be embarrassed.

She missed a zero.

Moira, she missed a zero or two.

I... You know what?

I'm gonna call her. I'm calling her right now, that...

What a cheap-ass amount!

Turn your light off, John.

Your sister is a cheap-ass.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

Cheap-ass.