Original subtitles

(MOIRA READING)

(CAR ENGINE RUMBLES)

Hi, Johnny. Can we come in for a moment?

Yes. Yes.

Thank you.

-Hello. -Oh, hi.

JOHNNY: Is everything okay?

(VOICE BREAKING) We've got some sad news.

Uh, someone very close has died.

-Oh. -Sorry.

You remember Bob?

No.

You broke into his cabin and had sex

while he and his wife were in the next room.

(GASPS SOFTLY) Oh, that's Bob.

Yeah, Bob. He was on the town council.

He's on the town council, yeah.

-Oh, Bob died? -Tsk, tsk, tsk.

No. No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.

I don't know Carl.

We barely know Bob.

Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny.

Oh...

Really? Well, that's nice.

No, I honestly don't know the man.

Well, understandably, Bob is, uh, pretty broken up by all of this,

and he asked me to ask you if, uh, you'd be willing to, um,

be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral.

-A pallbearer? -Mmm-hmm.

At Carl's funeral.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I don't...

Um...

I, you know, I'm flattered. That's...

It's quite an honour to be...

I knew he would say yes.

(STUTTERS) And normally I would, I would.

I... You know, but my back. I have, uh...

I... I have back issues.

-Honey? You know, my back. -What?

-The thing with my back. -Your back!

Oh, it's... It's terrible.

And his arms are so weak.

Little muscles like Corn Nuts.

Yeah, we're just talking about my back, sweetheart.

It's awful.

-I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob. -(ROLAND SIGHS)

He's gonna be so disappointed.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, life can kick you in the teeth sometimes.

Well, that's not gonna help Bob out too much there, Johnny.

Mmm, no. Shouldn't bother Carl.

(BABY WAILING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(WOMAN SCOFFS)

I said bring the goddamn diaper bag!

(BABY CRYING)

Babe, I'm getting the cooler right now,

in case you didn't notice.

Well, Denim has needed a diaper change

since before we left the house!

Oh, my God.

What?

Some townie douchebag is moving in next door.

They've got a baby.

(ALEXIS SIGHS)

-(LOUD THUD) -(GASPS)

(BOTH GASPING)

-DAVID: Is there a gun? -(DENIM WAILING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

-(BOTTLE SHATTERING) -(DENIM CRYING)

-Oh, no. -MAN: Jesus! What the hell did you do that for?

It's still too hot.

It's 20 seconds in the microwave,

-not 20 minutes, you tool. -Oh, you've lost it.

-Oh... -You've lost it.

What the hell are you so rattled about?

Oh!

-What are you doing? -Um, I'm gonna go

stay at Ted's,

because I've been to enough spring breaks

to know how this is gonna end,

and it's not...not good.

You're just gonna leave me here with these people?

Yeah. Like, I don't feel good about it.

Hello! Hello!

Is anybody in that hollow chest?

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Bob.

How are you holding up?

Oh, you know. Not bad.

You know, they say death is just life

except you're not here.

You're somewhere else, you know?

But that's okay because

at least you're somewhere, you know?

But when does somewhere become there?

And when does there become here?

-And I... It just... -Just a coffee, please.

-For here? Okay. -Yeah.

-Bob. -Hi, Johnny.

Oh, hi. Hi.

You mind if I join you?

I could use a little company today.

Oh, no, no.

You... You stay where you are, and I'll...

I'll come over there.

Oh!

Baby. Ooh!

Wow!

(GROANS)

Yikes! That's... That hurts today.

Yeah, Roland, he told me about your back and I, uh...

I am so sorry.

Well, I'm the one who's sorry, Bob.

You know, hearing about your, uh, brother. (STUTTERS) Chris...

-Carl. -Carl. Yeah, he was a good man.

-Good man. -He admired you, Johnny.

-And I him. -Yeah.

And I him.

Listen, uh, I understand about your back...

Yeah.

And I was just, uh, wondering

if maybe you can say a few words at the funeral?

(COUGHS)

Well, the thing is, uh, Bob,

(STUTTERING) I don't feel I deserve that honour. Uh...

Oh, see, I'm no good at these things.

You know, uh, you, you're polished.

You know, you're well-spoken.

Oh, no. No, no. Not really. Not really.

I mean, I'm good one-on-one, but not good in a public situation.

I clam up pretty good.

As a favour, Johnny.

He must have had a few close friends,

-somebody that... -No one.

Well, sure. Sure. I can say a few words, Bob.

I'll say a few words.

Have you seen the couple that checked in?

They're like really scummy. Like, very skaggy people

who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet.

Imagine being related to them.

No, I can't. It's too early.

They're my cousins.

Oh.

Well, um,

the baby's relatively normal-looking.

No, they're definitely skaggy.

My God, they're so skaggy.

Hmm. Wait, so you're related to Carl?

Not genetically.

My mom's sister was married to Carl. Carl is Sean's stepdad.

And was that a factor in the cause of death?

I wouldn't be surprised.

They broke up right before Sean got Bree pregnant.

Or someone got Bree pregnant.

I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy

when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.

Mmm, charming.

Tell me it's not always this clean in here.

No, it's always this clean.

Oh, it smells so fresh.

Uh, that's the Febreze.

I was... I was eating Indian last night, so...

So much better than the motel.

At least you know what the smell is.

(GIGGLING)

TED: Oh! (LAUGHS)

-Hey, come on now, you two. -Oh, hey!

-Come on. -Hi there. Ooh!

Oh...

There's a good girl. There's a good girl!

-They're so... -Oh! Well, Macy and Fifer

are just staying with me for a couple of weeks until they get back on their feet.

Isn't that right, Fifey?

Yeah, your worms are almost all gone, aren't they?

Yeah.

Is that a diaper on that little cutie?

Yup. Oh. You know what, though?

Okay. This is just because she's scared right now.

But, uh, don't worry. I can tell that you are gonna win them over.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I just... I haven't, um, been... I haven't... I don't...

-I'm not around dogs a lot, so... -(PANTING)

No, you know what? Don't even worry about it.

Just for tonight, think of them as our kids.

Right? Oh, yeah.

John, you're speaking at the funeral?

The man was weeping. What was I supposed to do?

You take his hands in yours, you look him in the eye, and you say, "No."

What do you say about a guy

you couldn't care less about?

Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again.

-Who's Gord what's-his-name? -Exactly.

He was some kind of crewperson on Sunrise Bay.

I made an obligatory appearance at the service,

and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words.

I didn't have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang Danny Boy.

-Not a dry eye in the house. -Huh?

God, I love this bed.

I'm so glad you're not my brother.

Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that, too.

But let me assure you, tonight it is just you and me.

(DOG PANTING)

Hey, the little guy is looking at us.

Oh. Yeah, dogs sometimes do that.

Okay.

Um...

Maybe we could invite it to go? Go away.

Oh, she's fine. She's fine. She's fine.

Oh, now you want in on the action too, huh?

-Okay, the big one is sniffing the diaper. -(SNIFFING)

-Does that mean it's full? What is... -Okay.

Okay, you guys, just give us a little bit of time here,

and then you can come sleep with us, okay? Okay?

Okay, where were we?

(CHUCKLES ANIMATEDLY)

(DOG SNARLING)

(BARKING)

(MOUTHING) Out. Get out.

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Pass the chips!

Hello. Excuse me.

Excuse me!

-Hey! -Excuse me!

-Hey! Go. -Excuse me, hi.

Oh, buttons, I don't think you're invited to this one, huh?

-I don't wanna be invited to this one. -(LAUGHING)

Hey, look who it is. It's your dad. He's here to take you home!

-Yeah, yeah. -Remember that?

-Yeah! -You remember that one?

-(LAUGHING) -No.

I'm just pumpin' your tyres, bud!

Look, what you gotta understand is that my ex-stepdad just died,

so we're here celebrating his life, okay?

Okay, you all seem very devastated by this.

I need you to turn...

I need you to turn the music down, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Because I'm trying to get

at least a couple hours' sleep tonight.

Well, you know who's sleeping forever, bud?

-Your ex-stepdad, yeah. -My ex-stepdad, yeah.

-Yup, yeah. -Damn, that's sad.

-Are we out of mix? -Okay, thank you. If you could just turn it...

-Thank you. -(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Don't.

Oh, my...

I am so sorry. They got me...

-(WHISPERING) They got me wasted. -Mmm.

I hate them, okay? I hate them so much.

You smell very flammable right now.

Yes, I'm sure.

I'm gonna need you to get them to turn it down, okay?

-Yes. -Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

-BREE: Hi, Denim. Hi, sweetie pie. -(DENIM WAILING)

STEVIE: David, I'm so sorry.

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS)

-Johnny. -Hello, Bob.

Moira, so good of you to come.

-John said we had no choice. -Oh.

Listen, we have some good seats down front.

Oh, that's very nice.

Boy, what a beautiful day for a funeral.

(JOHNNY CLEARS THROAT)

Bob, in case I wanna mention this in my remarks,

how did Carl go?

Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really.

Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan.

Apparently, it got knotted around his neck.

What?

Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing

would've come down, you know.

Try keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days.

But, uh, Carl found the studs on that one.

-Oh. -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

That's craftsmanship.

Oh, yeah.

But that was Carl.

DAVID: Do you even know what that stain is or...

Uh, I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up.

Why are you cleaning it up?

Sadly, um, I threw most of the broken glass you see here.

You were a bit of a mess last night.

They told you?

Oh, no, no. We had a full-blown conversation.

You were barely clinging to consciousness.

Oh.

Sorry.

Did I try and make out with you?

Mmm-mmm.

Good.

But now I'm worried I made out with someone else.

Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy.

DAVID: Mmm.

Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun.

(SNICKERS)

(GASPING)

Um...

Is this your thong or...

Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl.

Uh, his was wrapped around the remote.

Don't worry, I threw out the remote.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like they have a side hustle.

I'm pretty sure she strips. Why?

Oh, no, this is just a lot of, um...

-Yes, it is. -Marijuana. (SNIFFING)

And if you're offering, my answer is yes.

Thank you for that, Shannon.

Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from Breaking Dawn,

one of Carl's favourites of the Twilight movies.

Now, to say a few words,

I'd like to bring up a close friend and one of Carl's personal heroes,

-Johnny Rose. -(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

(DENIM CRYING)

(WOMAN COUGHING)

Thank you, Minister.

Carl.

(SIGHS)

What to say about Carl?

Once so full of life,

and now

lying very, very close to me.

What a terrible thing death is.

And yet, for Carl,

pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point.

(DENIM CONTINUES CRYING)

He was a... He was a man who loved

a good sweater, I'm told.

And he loved the feel of a big tool in his hand.

Am I right, Bob?

And I wonder,

when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan

that he was so very proud of,

was he ever thinking of this town,

where he was born, where he lived,

and where he died?

Where he died.

(STUTTERING) But I'm not up here today

to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-I'm here. I'm... -(DENIM CRYING)

-BREE: Where the hell are you, Sean? -I'm...

At a bar?

If anyone should be in a bar right now, it's me.

-(DENIM CONTINUES CRYING) -Fuck, Sean! (SIGHS)

Excuse me.

(DENIM CRYING LOUDLY)

Well, I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek.

I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here,

and how we might never escape this place,

and how we do not want to end up in a coffin, like Carl,

here in this godforsaken...

♪ Oh, Danny boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling

(ALL SINGING)

♪ From glen to glen

♪ And down the mountain side

♪ But God...

So, I'm sorry

if earlier I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues.

And if it's any consolation,

the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed

about their behaviour, too.

Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that

there'd be slutty little animals running around.

-And I only take in the slutty ones, so... -(LAUGHS)

I just, I didn't know what to do because I love the dogs so much, but,

you know, I also really love

the way that our relationship is going right now, so much.

Such a sweet face.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, to get you more comfortable around animals...

Not a puppy, Ted! I...

No, that would be cruel to the puppy.

No, I got you this.

(READING)

It's a very specific book.

You might wanna check out page 37.

(WHISPERING) Is it a credit card?

No. It's a room key.

To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale,

and they have a very strict "no pets allowed" policy.

Well, it just so happens that I have packed my overnight bag.

Hmm.

Come here.

-Thank you. -No, thank you.

-No. Thank you. -Thank you.

-Thank you. Thank you. -Thank you.

You know where I got my hat, brah?

Where?

Assholes R Us.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-(DISTANT THUMPING) -Oh!

-Ow! -(DISTANT ARGUING)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! We need to go.

We need to go. We need to go.

STEVIE: I don't see it. I don't see it.

-Let me see it. -(SHUSHING)

(DENIM WAILING)

The fuck?

-Who trashed our room? -(SHUSHING)

-(DENIM CRYING) -BREE: You did, Sean!

SEAN: Where's my backwards hat?

(WHISPERING) My hat. I'm wearing it.

I'm wearing it.

(BOTH CHUCKLING SOFTLY)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

So I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, God, what if I die here?"

Mmm. That was not lost on anyone.

Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches and make a gracious French exit.

Good idea.

Moira! Your Danny Boy.

What a voice.

-Oh, thank you. -ROLAND: Yeah.

I'd really like you to sing at my cousin's funeral.

She's not dead, but she's been coughing a lot lately.

Moira, before they close the coffin,

one more chorus for Carl?

Please?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(LAUGHTER)

Take your time, honey.

(MOIRA CLEARS THROAT)

(VOCALISING)

♪ Danny

♪ Boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are

♪ Calling