Original subtitles

(DAVID READING)

DAVID: Mom, can you come here, please?

-MOIRA: What? -I said, come here, please.

MOIRA: You come here.

We got a big box sent to us.

-We did? -It's a package.

-Who's it from? -I don't know.

Oh! It's for me.

"Thinking of you."

"Dear M, hope this helps,

"I only wish I could do more, xoxo J.S.P."

Justine St. Pierre!

David, one of my dear friends is finally reaching out,

and you know what, I knew it would be Justine.

She can be an angry drunk, but we were always close.

"Congratulations on your Allez Vous starter kit."

That frigid whore.

What's Allez Vous?

It's a scam,

-it's her stupid cosmetics company. -(GASPS)

It's a pyramid scheme for desperate housewives

and struggling actors.

Well, how much can we make from this?

David, it's an insult. We're sending it back.

Well, apparently you can win an Audi.

What colour?

A champagne Audi, look at that.

As if you could ever sell

enough of this crap to get a car.

Well, Kristi Stubbs and her team out of Montreal

have sold enough to get the car, so...

Don't believe everything you read, dear, please.

(GASPS)

Burn it. Except this mascara.

So, Ray can't lend me his car today, because he has to drive

his 92-year-old mother somewhere.

Where does a 92-year-old woman need to go?

I don't know, John, perhaps the hospital?

Yeah, well, it's just I needed that car

to get to my appointment today.

What appointment?

Well, you know, the, uh...

Thing that I had, I had a thing that I...

What thing?

(SIGHS) An unemployment thing, okay?

To get unemployment insurance,

I have a meeting this afternoon,

and now I have to grovel to Roland,

to get his truck, in order to get to Elmdale, to get this money...

Well, I think you're brave,

and while I didn't see us living off of food stamps,

I think there is something very masculine

about the way you're taking control of the situation.

Sweetheart, I'm about to beg for a truck,

in order to beg for money,

I think you've gotta raise that masculinity bar just...

Just a little.

(LAWNMOWER BUZZING)

Roland.

-Hey, Johnny. -Hi.

-What? -(LOUDLY) Hi.

-Can't hear you. -Hey, turn the motor off.

I can't hear you, the motor's on.

Turn the motor off!

-Turn the motor off, you dumb son of a... -(BUZZING STOPS)

(CHUCKLING) Well, what can I do for you, you dumb son of a...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, Roland, I need to... I need to borrow your truck.

I've got a very important appointment today,

and, uh, I sure could use it.

Well, of course, Johnny. You know my truck is your truck,

any time you wanna borrow it,

-it's fine with me. No problem whatsoever. -Well, that's very nice.

Listen, as the owner of the truck,

would you do me one favour though?

When you return it, can you bring the seats back up

-the way I had 'em? I'd appreciate that. -(STUTTERS) I do.

Well, you don't. But if you could, I'd appreciate it.

-Well, I think I do. -Here's the keys,

-and, uh, also, uh, when you return it... -Thank you.

...if you don't mind just backing it in,

because in the morning I have to kinda crick...

Yeah, I'll back it in, I'll back it in.

...my neck like that, if you could back it in,

-that would be terrific. -Sure, I'll back it in.

The wiper fluid, um...

I had to replace sooner than usual.

-Now, I'm not asking... -I don't touch the wiper fluid.

-Well, okay, somebody did. -I never use it.

Yeah, well, I guess your "Imaginary friend" uses wiper fluid, right?

(CHUCKLES) I don't know. I'm not asking for payback here,

but whatever you think's fair would be terrific.

Okay, I never use it, though.

-The radio was at a four. I like it at a 10, so... -Okay.

You know what, I'm gonna walk, so...

-Where are you going? -I'm gonna walk, Roland.

-What do you mean you're walking? -I don't want your truck!

-No, no, the truck's right there. -I don't need your truck.

It's gonna be there all day.

I'm just asking, maybe you could put a little air in the tyres from time to time.

Bonjour.

Now that you've opened your Allez Vous starter kit,

let's begin with those essential tips and tricks

you'll need to make up to $600,000 a year.

That's $50,000 a month.

That's $7,000 a week.

No, it isn't. She didn't finish high school.

Now, you've heard of other get rich quick schemes,

but this isn't a scheme, it's a system.

Look at the work she's had done.

It's grotesque.

Go grab a pen and paper, because I'm about to share with you

some essential tips and tricks

to maximize your sales productivity.

If this seems like a dream come true,

you need to pay attention to my tips and tricks.

But the best part is...

Okay, where are the tips and tricks?

We've been watching this for five minutes, she's talking in circles.

Because it's a scam.

But if your father's willing to go out there and sell his soul, dear,

the least we can do is try to sell this garbage.

-What's this? -Huh?

Oh, it's a sunless bronzing.

Okay, let's sell it. How hard could it be?

You sell you. You sell you using Allez Vous.

-Okay, we're going to have a luncheon. -A luncheon?

Mmm-hmm. A luncheon for our little townie friends.

It's the least we could do.

-DAVID: Hmm. -...tricks, community, opportunity, tips...

ALEXIS: Twyla?

-Hey, what's up? -Nothing.

So, um, Ted ordered toast,

not home fries, and he got home fries.

-So, would you just be a peach, and... -Oh, sorry.

No, you know what? It's okay. I'm... I'm good with it.

I like home fries. I'm gonna eat 'em, so...

First day of a cleanse, so she's a little...

(TWYLA CHUCKLES)

Okay, so I can take it back.

-That'd actually be great, if you wouldn't... -No. No, thank you.

Lex, if you'll just let me eat my breakfast here.

It's not like there's broken glass in it.

There's broken glass?

No, there is not broken glass in it,

just a lot of great flavours that I can't wait to taste.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Great.

Thank you.

I'm just trying to help you.

Well, if you wanna help, eat something.

I do not like what this cleanse is doing to your brain.

You're being very rude.

I'm sorry for yelling.

Ain't she a beaut?

Boy, is she ever, Bob. You know, I, uh...

I woke up this morning, I said to myself,

"Johnny, you've gotta buy yourself a car."

You may have a business meeting in Elmdale one day and you're gonna be in trouble.

Oh, yeah, I wouldn't have thought this was your cup of tea.

Oh, this is exactly what I was looking for.

Yeah, I'd love to, uh, take this baby out for a test drive.

Yeah? I've got the keys, let's, uh, take her for a spin.

Not with you, Bob, I, I don't wanna bother you.

It's no bother.

I would just love to take this out myself, Bob, you know,

a little peccadillo of mine when I'm buying a car.

I like to experience the car one-on-one,

just me and the machine, you know what I mean?

No, I don't.

I just wanna take it out for a test drive, Bob, just for a spin.

So, once around the block?

Oh, yeah, once around the block,

you know, maybe around the corner, up the road a bit.

What road?

Well, this road, I'll take it up this road.

Okay, but, uh, no lefts, okay? Because they lead to the highway,

and I... I really don't want her on the highway.

Why would I take it on the highway?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

♪ Driving down that highway of life

♪ Feelin' fine and feelin' sunny

♪ Going to pick me up some money ♪

(HAMMERING)

You do know that just staring at the fence isn't gonna help me fix it, right?

Yeah, I am.

I'm just thinking about Ted, and how nice he is

and generous... Like, almost too generous.

And I just wanna grab him by the sweater sometime,

and be like, "Stop being so generous and nice." (CHUCKLES)

He always has been.

I feel bad thinking about all those times I pinned him against a locker.

You pinned somebody against a locker?

Well, I was a different person then,

a lot changed since after high school.

So what did he do to make you such a teenage cliche?

He always said "hi" when he passed me in the halls

and for some reason, it bugged me.

Yeah, I can see that.

So, he's bugging you.

-What? No. Oh, my God, no. -Oh, yes.

No, I'm just saying, generally speaking,

when you order breakfast and they give you the wrong order,

send it back and get the right order.

I never return food. I think that's so rude.

(SCATTING)

(ENGINE BREAKS DOWN)

Oh, no.

Oh, son of a bum!

Son of a bitch!

(GROANS)

What the hell?

Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

(SIGHS)

Well, the good news is all you need is a new fan belt,

-and then you'll be right back on the road. -Good, good.

Well, it was important I get to Elmdale today, Roland.

I appreciate you, uh, helping me out.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Ah, it's no problem, Johnny.

So, where in, uh, Elmdale am I taking you?

Oh, just the, uh, general downtown area will be fine.

Okay, don't wanna tell me where we're going. Interesting.

It's, uh, just a business meeting,

-uh, just I've gotta meet a guy. -Uh-huh. What guy?

A financial guy, it's a financial matter.

Well, Johnny, it's gonna be awfully hard for me to get you to this meeting

if I don't know where we're going.

I mean, why is this such a big secret?

and you're only doing 25, if we could pick it up...

Oh, my God, now you're in such a hurry.

What's the big rush here? I don't get that, either.

The office closes at 4:00, that's all.

What office are you talking about?

The financial guy that...

What financial guy?

-The guy I'm doing business with, I told you. -Where are we going?

The unemployment office!

Okay?

I'm applying for unemployment.

Pfft.

Jeez, pal, your business is your business.

I don't know why you're telling me.

Well, good afternoon.

Everyone have a full glass, I hope?

We've wanted to have you all here for ages.

You've all so graciously welcomed us

into your heavenly hamlet.

Now, if you'll be so good as to follow me,

David is setting out some hors d'oeuvres in our adjoining suite.

-David, we have guests. -(GASPS)

You were supposed to have cleaned up

all these quality products.

I must've lost track of time.

Now the seating areas are covered

in Allez Vous cosmetics.

I know, I just didn't want to put

such high quality paraben

and PABA-free product on the floor.

Come on in.

Okay, well, everything's going super well, I can see, so...

Well, no, come on, we've gotta stay for a bit.

No, we've made our appearance and now we can go.

Your mom asked me to come.

Well, she asked everybody to come.

Can you not just say "no" for one time, Ted?

Jocelyn, you can hold this lip plumper.

Ronnie, this is a mineral moisturizer.

You could keep it on your lap, or sample it.

David, now is not the time to discuss

Allez Vous' preferred customer discounts.

Actually, I think, I'm going to be getting lunch elsewhere.

Can I come with you?

I don't think so.

Now you get all decisive-y?

I was just so excited about Allez Vous'

exclusive anti-aging formula,

and rejuvenation serums.

Alexis, you'd like this product.

It's all about aging and dry skin.

Oh, my God, ew, David.

MOIRA: David, I know you're excited

to be part of the fastest growing

multilevel marketing community

on the continent, but honestly.

There's something wrong with your face.

With my face? (SCOFFS)

Well, if any of you do happen to have

questions about the products,

or how to make up to $600,000 a year,

I suppose I'd be willing to share with you what I know.

In the meantime, please, eat, drink.

To your possible beauty.

How can I help you today, sir?

Uh, yes, Johnny Rose,

I have an appointment to get some money.

Get some money?

I need a check, preferably today.

Ideally in the next few minutes

'cause I have somebody waiting in the car.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Well, we don't just give out money.

First, we need some information.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. Mm-hmm.

-Your name? -Johnny Rose.

-Uh, last employer? -Johnny Rose.

And how long did you work for yourself?

All my life.

And your reason for being out of work?

I sold my business

and I got screwed by my business manager.

Did you pay into unemployment insurance?

I don't know. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

It never came across my desk, I...

(CHUCKLES) We can't give you money

unless you contributed to the program.

I don't think you're understanding.

I employed people, hundreds of people.

You see, and now I'm unemployed.

But that doesn't mean you qualify for unemployment.

I lost my job.

You lost your business.

Okay, let me walk you through this.

You see, I need money

to get back on my feet

so I can employ more people,

that might actually end up

saving you money in the long run.

Now, am I the only one who understands

how an economy works around here?

Let me walk you through this, Mr. Rose.

Unless you can prove that you contributed,

you don't qualify.

If you were laid off, or fired,

or could show that you were out looking for work,

that would be a different story.

I'd like to talk to your supervisor, please.

I am the supervisor.

And, may I say, doing...

...a fantastic job.

BOTH: Who's interested?

Well, it doesn't look like anybody's really interested.

Get out.

I know someone here wants in on this exclusive opportunity.

Moira, honey,

that champagne Audi is really hard to get.

-Excuse me? -Take it from me.

Roland and I have been Allez Vous reps for two years

and we're still driving that old truck.

-Sorry, you're... -(INHALES SHARPLY)

You're an Allez Vous consultant?

I'm actually an executive area manager.

I'm a district manager.

I'm an executive district manager.

-I gave up. -What?

-(LAUGHS) -The Allez Vous craze

hit the town a couple years ago,

and you should've seen us.

In two weeks we had sold everything

to the other half of town, and vice versa.

That's... That's funny.

It became a bit incestuous, yeah,

very small sales pool.

It became literally impossible to climb the ladder.

Anywho, good luck.

Somehow, we got off on the wrong foot, okay?

So, if I in any way gave you the impression that...

I am locking up now, Mr. Rose.

Johnny, how long is this gonna take?

'Cause I got a couple...

Roland?

Well, Marnie, hello. How are you?

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, it has been a while, hasn't it?

(CHUCKLES)

Marnie and I were, um... How shall I say it?

Close friends in high school.

Isn't that right, Marnie?

Okay, that's enough of that.

(LAUGHING)

Marnie likes the bad boys.

Roland.

Are you taking care of my bad boy over there?

No, she's being quite obstinate

about this whole situation.

I'm getting nothing.

Well, unfortunately, Mr. Rose

doesn't qualify for unemployment

because he's never had a job.

Oh, well, didn't he tell you

about the job he was doing for me?

No, what job?

(SCOFFS) You didn't tell her?

No, not specifically, I... (STAMMERS)

Well, that's important information, Mr. Rose.

You working for Roland makes you an employee.

-Yes. -Oh.

I forgot.

Well, what were your duties?

Well, I was in more of a, uh, consulting position.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

No, no, no.

It was not a consulting position,

he was my assistant.

He was like my little guy Friday.

He would fetch things for me.

I'd tell him where to go and he'd go running off

and fetching things for me.

What were some of the things you fetched?

-You fetched like, uh... -Coffee.

-Coffee, you'd get that, and, um... -I get his coffee.

-Sometimes you'd have to... -Get a hanky?

No, you'd pick up...

His dry-cleaning.

Yeah, you had to do that and then...

How about these guys down there? Those are boots.

Nothing with the boots.

Oh, there was something with the boots.

Polish them every once in a while.

Every now and then, he had to do that, too.

He was a hell of a worker

and I really, really needed him,

because you know how busy...

I can get.

Yes, I do.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah, unfortunately I had to can his ass though,

because of that whole "cut the gravy" thing, so.

Oh.

Well...

I think we can make this work.

(DOOR OPENS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, I come in peace.

What's this?

I don't know, it's, um, a pre-shave

follicle mask or something.

I took it from the, um, pile of product that nobody bought.

Sweet gesture.

I'm sorry for being rude.

You have to understand that

you're the first nice guy that I've dated.

Lex, I am not always nice.

I just really want my family to like you.

-They don't like me? -No, they do.

They do. They've just always seen nice as a sign of weakness,

they take advantage of nice.

No, nice does not always mean weak, it's...

Okay.

So, get mad then.

Say something super mean.

What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.

Okay, well, um...

Consider it a kind of role play then,

and just let it out.

I don't know.

I find your brother can be

a little pretentious sometimes.

Yes, yes. He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

This is good, keep going.

-Well, and your mother... -Mmm.

Seems to be a little uninformed at times.

She's uninformed most of the time.

This is great, this is really good. Keep going.

Well, and you, what about you?

Are you just going to sit around all day,

while I work and buy you dinners?

You've gotta go out there and get a job...

-Too far. Okay. -Mm-hmm.

That's too far.

All right, and there we go.

Boy, thank you.

Oh, stop it.

No, no, Roland. I owe you big.

Well, um, one day,

and that day may never come,

I may call upon you to perform a function.

Marlon Brando.

Yes, but from what movie?

The Godfather.

No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy.

The Godfather.

Hold on a second, I'll think of it.

Anyway, I appreciate

what you've done, Roland, I really do, I'm...

Don't you worry about it, Johnny, I'm happy to do it.

Why don't you just get me, uh, a little wiper fluid,

and we'll call it even, okay?

Okay, wiper fluid, you got it.

And also maybe a Kleenex caddy?

I've always wanted one of those.

That's funny.

It is, but I'm not joking.

All right, one Kleenex caddy, and wiper fluid.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Roland, you screwed it up!

Roland!

Roland!

Son of a bitch!

Oh, Johnny,

I told you not to take her on the highway.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Bob,

I guess I, uh, took one of those

left turns, and, yeah.

Okay, well, uh, let's get her hooked up,

get you back to the garage,

and we'll start on the paperwork.

What paperwork?

It's all filled in, you just have to sign it,

and she's all yours.

I'm not buying this car.

You change your mind?

It broke, twice. It's a broken car.

We'll play a little hardball, okay. (CHUCKLES)

I'll knock 20 bucks off.

You couldn't get 20 bucks for scrap.

(CHUCKLES) Oh.

All right, 30 bucks.

How about zero bucks?

I wouldn't give you a dime for this.

Johnny, you're killing me here.

-Fifty bucks. -Oh, you know what, Bob,

I'm walking. I'm walking.

I'll throw in a couple of floor mats,

but that's my final offer.

Walking.