All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E05.WEB-DL.NF.en

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

MOIRA: Oh, yeah!
JOHNNY: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Could you spare some a...
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

MOIRA: (SHRIEKS) David!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God,
what's happening?

I saw hell is
what's happening.
Oh, my God.

-What?
-(DOOR OPENING)

-(MUFFLED) Oh, my...
-David,

what you just saw
was your mother and me...

-I know what I saw...
-Having an intimate moment.

-I cannot unsee that!
-JOHNNY: Okay.

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

And I refuse to feel guilty
about being in bed
with my wife.

-Ew! Ew! Ew!
-I hate to be
the one to tell you,

but having sex is not
just about making children,

so they can grow up
and make you feel bad
about having sex.

Oh, my God,
can you stop this, please?

I will not be shamed.
Shame on you.

Shame on you for
attempting that position

-at 8:00 in the morning.
-ALEXIS: Oh!

-John?
-You know what?

Do you know
how difficult it is for us

to share a wall
with you two?

I do now.

JOHNNY: Yes, well,
if you don't mind,

we are now going
back into our room

and don't even think
about opening that door...

-Are you serious?
-Next time.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(MIMICS GAGGING)

No, no, no.

-Roland, I just need
the door fixed. Okay?
-Mmm-hmm.

My family can't keep
living like this.

My wife and I,
we have no privacy.

Okay, all right.
I get what this is about.

You and the wife wanna
bump the old uglies, huh?

-(CHUCKLES)
-I have no idea
what that means.

Having a little problem
down there

below there,
Johnny Boy, huh?

No, there's
no problem, Roland,

I just need
the locks fixed...

It's okay, I get it.

I get it, Captain.

You've been out to sea
for a while,

you wanna
bring the boat into port,

and maybe,
get your mast scrubbed?

What're you guys
down to, now?
Like, twice a day?

Okay, this is
a conversation

you and I
will never have, all right?

I just need the door fixed.

Well, how 'bout
I do you one better?

We got a cabin
up by the lake.

It's just a little love nest
for the lady and me.

You know, when we
wanna spark the old spark
from time to time.

My gift to you and yours
for the night.

So generous,
but I'm gonna take a pass.

-Hey, Johnny.
-Jocelyn?

-How are you?
-Uh, good. Good.

Sex life's in the crapper.
I just offered him
the cabin.

That is so not true.

-I knew something was wrong.
-Nothing is wrong.

You should take the cabin.

I wouldn't wanna see your
relationship get any worse.

No, our relationship
is fine.
It's just a privacy issue...

Johnny, Johnny, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Take the cabin, okay?

And, uh, feel free to
use the restraints.

We keep 'em
under the bed, so...

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Pick a safe word.

-ROLAND: Mmm...
-(SIGHS)

I, for one,
think we should

take them
up on their offer.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing here.

We're talking about
Roland's place.

Who knows what the hell
we're gonna find up there?

Well, we can't share any
real intimacy here

in this internment camp,
John,

and I don't want to
turn into my parents.

Separate beds,
separate rooms.

Well, separate countries.

Exactly! A bad marriage!

Hey, if you're willing
to give this a shot,
I'm game.

-You're game.
-Yeah.

Okay. I'll play.

Actually, I have a
good feeling
about this, John.

You know, I'm starting
to get a pretty good
feeling myself.

Are you?

Oh, my God!
Am I being punished
for something?

David, are you
a dirty Peeping Tom?

I don't' think parenting
books would approve of you
saying that to me.

I'm here to grab a magazine,

and go back
and leave you guys
to whatever disgusting...

-MOIRA: Stay.
-Stick around, stick around.

-Alexis?
-Alexis!

They're done!

Your father and I have
some very important news.

If you tell me that
you're pregnant,

I'm gonna vomit
on this floor right now.

-(CHUCKLES)
Oh, can you imagine?
-We're planning a trip.

Okay.

Just to a cabin overnight.

And we request that
the two of you not
try to contact us

for the next 24 hours.

-I really appreciate you
doing that for me.
-I'm doing it for us.

Well, it's to my benefit.

Um, why don't you guys
stay at the cabin
for longer?

Oh, I would never just
abandon you two in a motel
in the middle of nowhere.

Didn't you once take
the wrong baby home
from pre-school?

Alexis looked Chinese
as an infant.

How many times
must I defend myself?

So, we're good, then?
Thank you.

-No, thank you.
-No, thank you.

-Honestly, thank you.
-Enough, David.

Thank you so much
for the loan of your cabin
and your truck.

Looks like you folks
got a lot of gear here, huh?

Is that the tickle trunk?
(CHUCKLES)

It's just clothes.

Yeah, okay,
but just keep in mind,

there's only
60 amp service there.

So, don't be plugging
a lot of gadgets in
all at once,

if you know what I mean.

Yet another disturbing look
into his world.

ROLAND:
All right, directions.

Super easy, Johnny.
Here's what
I want you to do.

Okay, I want you take
highway 10 to
Loon Lake Road North, okay?

I want you to
take a right there.

There's gonna be
a split in the fence,

I want you to go
left at that split,
and keep going.

Go through the intersection
of Loon Lake
Road South, okay?

And then,
you're gonna find Pine Road.

Now, you go up Pine Road,

I want you take
a right at that
big oak tree, all right?

It's old, it's big,
you can't miss it.

You go down the hill
to the left and we're the
third cabin on the right.

Okay? The key's
under the mat.

-Got it.
-Really?

Key is under the mat.

So, I think I'm gonna go
next door because your mess
is making me anxious.

What mess?

You know how clean
my apartment was
in New York.

It was so clean.
It was really clean.

Well, it was very clean
because you had a maid to
keep it very clean for you.

No. I kept it clean
after Cecilia cleaned.

Anyway, I think it's best
if we just take some space

and I am looking forward to
sleeping in a bed that is
not made for a toddler.

Okay. I'll just chill here
in my own space and...

Yeah.

Maybe I'll do a mask
or something,

and check in with myself
and see how I'm doing...

-Okay, so, we're good?
-Yeah.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSING)

I'm out of mask.

I was so bored in there!

I'm sorry to hear that.

Okay, so, I think that
we should take advantage
of mom and dad being gone.

I am.

Okay, but like,
throwing a party,
or something.

No. Absolutely not.

Just a tiny, little,
casual motel party.

Okay, Alexis, I have
no interest in finding out

what types of people
are attracted to
casual motel parties.

But you do have an interest
in lounging on a bed

that mom and dad
have had sex all over?

Why would you
do that to me right now?

David, I miss my life,
and I miss doing things,

and I miss being surrounded
by loose acquaintances

who think that I'm funny,
and smart, and charming.

Will you?
Just a few people. Please?

You can't tell me
that you don't wanna
hang out

with people other than me.

-Obviously.
-Okay, so?

Okay, fine. Something small.
Like, a little games night.

Yes, like a small,
little games night party.

No. Like a little
games night, period.

Okay, fine. And then,
if it turns into
something else,

it turns into
something else.

Well, it won't
'cause there's only
six people invited.

Any more, and game play
gets too yelly.

It gets very yelly.

Okay, this party
is gonna be...

-It's not a party.
-Awesome!

-It's not a party.
-So much fun!

I'm so excited!

JOHNNY: Hey, not bad!

Rustic but nice, huh?

The great outdoors, Moira.

I am shocked and delighted.

Yes. I have to say
I was nervous about this,

but I've gotta
hand it to Roland,
he came through.

He's moron!

(CLATTERING)

Key's under the mat, is it?
The key is under the mat!

-(CLOTH RIPS)
-(GROANS)

That's great!
Lying son-of-a...

Idiot man!

Moron!

Oh, good.

-MOIRA: John?
-Yeah! Coming, honey!

I'm coming.

(EXHALES)

Well, hello.

Oh, my car broke down
and it's raining,

and I wondered if
I might spend the night?

Well, first, let's get you
out of those dry clothes

and we'll see
where the night takes us.

So, I need to flesh out
this games night thing.

Between you and my sister,

and the barn guy and
that girl in the restaurant,
we have five,

and obviously, we need
an even six for
ultimate game play.

Well, what if I'm
not a games person?

We're far too similar
for you not to be,
so, options, please?

Obviously, they need
to be funny, and smart,

and have well-rounded
sense of humour and a
wide range of knowledge.

-(SNIFFLES)
-All those types of people
move away from here.

-That's funny.
-No, I'm serious.

-Oh, what about Eric?
He finished high school.
-Hmm?

I don't love his look.

Oh, looks are important?
Why don't
we throw a pageant?

Trust me, if I had time,
we would,
but we don't, so...

What about Sarah?
She's cute
and speaks English.

Hmm?

Mmm-mmm.

She'd get it?

-Get what?
-Like "get it" get it.

"It," like, the vibe.

Understand that games night
needs to run a certain way,

otherwise, it won't work.

Can I be on your team?
You sound really fun.

Listen, you don't
have to help me out
if you don't want to.

-I can find someone else.
-Really?

-Mmm-hmm.
-Okay.

-Well, it's... Okay.
-Have fun.

-Okay.
-My money's
on the other team.

(MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I just, uh,
came to apologise.

For what?

For uninviting you
to games night.

You did not uninvite me.
I uninvited myself.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, well, um, I would
really like it if you came

and I would really love it
if you could bring

one other person
of your choosing.

So, it doesn't matter
if they don't blend?

Mmm-mmm.

And this doesn't have
anything to do with the fact

that you couldn't find
anybody else to come?

(CHUCKLES)

No. What? No. I...

You are a very bright,
funny person,

with a wide range
of useful knowledge,

and the fact that
we don't have

an ideal number
for team style game-play,

is not why I'm here.

You're such a liar.

And I was bluffing
when I said I wasn't coming.

I just wanted to
see you beg, so...

Okay.

I'll put out some feelers,
but, you know,
such short notice,

all the town hotties
will have plans.

I'll see you tonight!
Yeah, thanks.

-Thank you.
-Welcome.

This place is
almost charming.
Very rustic cottage.

I was half expecting
early unabomber.

Oh, look,
Roland and Jocelyn.

MOIRA:
Who are the other two?

JOHNNY: Well, that's Bob.
He's on the town council.

MOIRA: And his partner?

Roland has gay friends!
Again, shocked
and delighted.

-I think that's his wife.
-No, they're both
called husband.

Look at them smiling away.

What have they got to be
so happy about?

Well, they have
no money issues.

That's why they're so happy.

No, they just
don't know any better.

So, Eric...

How do you know Stevie?

She used to be
my babysitter.

Great. Wow, okay.
And how are your
trivia skills?

My what?

Oh, my God. Okay.
Good choice. Good choice.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

You guys came. Together.
That's so cute! Come in!

Twyla, you look amazing!

Mutt, you look
like a mill dollars.

Okay, so I brought this pie
from work,

but on the way,
I realised I didn't check
what kind.

So, there's a 50-50 chance
there's meat in it.

Oh, my God, that's so cute.
Thank you.

Okay, so it's 8:15.
It's 8:15.

We should have
started at 8:00.
So, 15 minutes late.

Let's sit down
and I will explain the game.

And I would just like
to thank everybody
so much for coming.

This is the first
social thing that I've done

in, like,
a really long time,

so, let's just have so much
fun and we'll just see
where the night takes us.

Well, it'll take us to
a three part games night
that ends at 10:00.

Okay, well, we'll see.

DAVID:
Okay, so, let's start.
ALEXIS: Okay.

Let's start by putting down
10 famous names

onto the pieces of paper
in front of you.

I don't think
I can fit 10 names

-on this piece of paper.
-(ALEXIS CHUCKLES)

That's funny. That's funny.
No, one per piece of paper.

Ten pieces of paper,
10 names.

Who should I put down?

I can't tell you that, Eric,
'cause that would
wreck the game.

So, then, how do I know
what to put?

-Oh, my God.
-(WHISPERS) Relax.

Can you put yourself down?

Oh, okay, who wants a shot?
Because I do.

No, we need to finish
putting the names
down first.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who's that?

Okay, I may or may not
have invited
a few other people.

-What kind... Who?
-I don't know.
I met them on the way home.

ALEXIS: Hey!
MAN: Hey.

-ALEXIS: How are you?
-Good, good.

-ALEXIS: Good. Hey!
-Hey, kids.

Stevie, Mutt, Twyla.

-Hey, Dane.
-Who the fuck is this?

He's the worst, okay?
So, just breathe through it.

Hi. David Rose. Okay.

So, we have split into teams
and that's an odd number,
so, we're stuck.

No worries.
We're here for the party.
Keg's in the truck.

What kegs?
No one ordered a keg.

David, can you please
not be rude in front of...

-Dane.
-Dane?

-So, now, what?
-Oh, god!

In the bowl, Eric.
Put them in the...

Wow!

Yeah.

(PANTING)

I can't see out of one eye.

But I'm still alive,
that's the main thing.

(SIGHS)

I'm hungry.
Should I go get...

No! No. You don't
have to get anything.

I will get some food,
I will get the wine.

You have done
more than enough.

Oh, good, you're done.
We didn't wanna interrupt.

What're you doing here?

Oh, just finishing off
the latest
Harold Zable novel.

You ever read him?

How long have you been here?

(CHUCKLES) Quite a while.

Yeah, you seemed to
have a little trouble
there getting going.

And, well, we, uh...

We didn't think
you needed the extra
pressure on you, so...

Oh, hi! You're good.

And you are?

I'm Bob,
this is my wife Gwen, and,
uh, this is our cabin.

No, no, no.
This is Roland and
Jocelyn's cabin.

No, they're a mile
up the road.

Big tree, a fence.
You can't miss it.

DAVID: She died!
She's a dead person!

Marilyn Monroe!

-No! She helps people!
-Oprah.

-Calcutta! Calcutta!
-Calcutta! The lepers!

-The mother...
-It's not your turn, Alexis!

-Princess Diana.
-DAVID: No! She's...

-The lepers in Calcutta,
she helps them.
-Lepers!

-There's all these lepers.
-Stop yelling at her,
though!

It's the point of the game
is the yell!

She's a mother and has
your cousin's name.

Teresa?

-Mother Teresa!
-Yes!

You can't say "mother!"
You can't say "mother!"

-She wasn't getting it.
-That's the point!

Anyway, no points for them.
We have to start this again.

-This party's terrible.
-Excuse me?

Okay, so, then, hey,
why don't we
do something else,

like a drinking game?

No! Absolutely not!

Every time the vein
in my brother's
eye twitches,

we take a drink.

Why would you bring up
my eye in front of
all these people?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Who is that?
-Calm down.

Dane thought he should
just invite over

a few more of his friends.

-Oh, did he?
-Yeah.

Who's up for strip poker?

Okay, you know what?
I'm out. No, that's it.

I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm gonna pack it in.

Eric, don't look at my eye!

Why are you being
such an old woman?

I'm sorry that I wanted to
have fun tonight

and invite a few
random guys over

and try and make out
with them, okay?

You're not the only one
dying in this town.

It is boring and I am just
trying to make
the best of it.

I'm really sorry, everybody.
No offence, okay?

I'm well-versed
in family conflict...

I'm sure you are. Alexis?

If you want to party,
have a party.

But I have a queen bed
next door with
my name on it,

and I have been
looking forward to sleeping
in that bed all day. So...

Maybe we should go.

No. You know what, guys?
It's totally fine.

David, I would love it
if you would come
and party with us,

but it's totally up to you.

And I'm totally gonna go.

So, everybody,
have a good night.

I don't know who you are!

Dane, put that down
and get off my bed!

No one on my bed tonight.
And no one throw up!

So, his eye twitched
five times,
so, drink up, bitches!

-All right!
-ALEXIS: Whoo!

DANE: Shots! All right.
ALEXIS: Yes!

And once again,
my apologies.

And I'm sorry,
I don't know
how to make a bed.

And I may have
damaged your, uh,
corkscrew, Bob.

You broke it in half.

Okay, the door,
it won't open.
The door won't open.

-It's locked.
-Oh, it's locked.

What do you want from us?

Yes, it's locked
to prevent strangers
from coming into the cabin.

See, uh, we didn't realise
that strangers

would already
be in the cabin
when we locked it.

-I see. Okay.
-Bye!

-There we go.
-Thank you. Bye.

You've been
consummate hosts, really.
Fantastic day.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

TWYLA: Hey, Mutt,
can you pass me...

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

-(SOFTLY) Sorry. Hey!
-Hi!

Here's the thing.

Um, I'm sorry that
you and your sister
are in a domestic,

and I'm sorry
that I invited Eric.

-That joke was
funnier in theory.
-Bad joke.

But I'm gonna need you
to come back in there.

Why?

Because I don't really like
most of those people,

and, believe it or not,
we are in the middle of

a very intense game
of drunken charades

and my team is losing badly.

Well, that's not
really my thing.

It's not my thing, either,

but you were right,
we're way too similar,

and I am having
a very hard time losing.

So, I will happily let you
get back
to this big queen bed

if you'll just help us win
a few more rounds.

Just need somebody sober.

-I can't...
-Please.

Go back in there.
It's embarrassing.

They are way too drunk
to remember.

(SIGHS)

Just two winning rounds
and then it's over.

Then, you can go back
to your book.

-Fine. Fine. Two rounds.
-You can go back sleep.

-Quick. Quick rounds.
-Thank you.

-Fine.
-Thank you.

And just don't look at
the stain on your bed,

and we'll mime
something special.

-What stain?
-Uh...

You're lucky I'm good
at this game.

DANE: Yes! A Mexican!
ALEXIS: Just get this one!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Are you sure you don't
want to call a tradesman
or someone, John?

Moira, I don't need
a tradesman.

I can handle
a screwdriver, okay?

This is working out
just fine.

(STRAINING) And that is in.

Look at this.

Instant lock.

Yes, let me tell you, Eddie.

You look awfully good
in that blue collar.

(ALTERING VOICE)
Well, thank you very much,
Mrs Rose.

I don't often
get compliments
when I'm fixing doors.

Oh, Edward, I'm afraid
I must tell you,

I shan't be able to
pay you today.

Well, that's okay,
Mrs Rose.

Maybe there's, um,
some other way
you can pay me,

if you get my drift.

Did you take my mask?

Thank you.

Well, maybe,
I'll use a bigger screw,
Mrs Rose.

-Don't you go anywheres.
-I'll be right here, Eddie.