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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:06,005
(MOIRA READING)
2
00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:13,012
So, this is the town limits?
3
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:16,809
Yes, sir, 4,500 acres
that ends right here
at the town sign.
4
00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:18,560
And it's all yours, Johnny.
5
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:22,063
It must be a nice feeling,
considering you don't have
a lot right now.
6
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,149
You know, because of
the crooked
business manager.
7
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,233
You know,
the money scandal...
8
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:27,903
Yes, I know, I know,
I know, Ray.
9
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,198
What the hell is this?
10
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,116
The town sign.
11
00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:36,161
Is this the real sign,
or the joke sign?
12
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,287
What do you mean?
13
00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:39,623
You don't see anything wrong
with this?
14
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,959
The man!
15
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,378
Standing awfully close
to that woman,
wouldn't you say?
16
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,214
Well, he's holding on to her
so she doesn't fall
into the creek.
17
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,508
Look a little closer, Ray.
18
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,719
Well, it does need
a little sprucing up.
19
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:52,887
Sprucing up?
20
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,262
It's very popular,
21
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,556
people come from all over
to take a picture with it.
22
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,098
I'll bet they do!
23
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,768
You know what?
This is coming down!
24
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,269
That's the mayor's family
up there!
25
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,313
That sign's been here
over 40 years.
26
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:06,066
And you wonder
why this place won't sell?
27
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,862
Oh, I think I see it now.
28
00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:11,572
His shoulders are too big.
29
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,032
Get in the car, Ray.
30
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,753
Moira?
31
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:28,129
Boy, we've got our work
cut out for us.
32
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,257
But I've seen worse.
33
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:32,384
It's not a problem.
34
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,468
Moira?
35
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:38,432
MOIRA: They dare
to call me irrelevant.
36
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:42,811
Shag carpeting,
that's irrelevant!
37
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:48,149
LA is irrelevant.
38
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,488
I am relevant!
39
00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,788
"Good riddance,"
is what they said.
40
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,581
Who said that, sweetheart?
41
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,374
I don't know!
42
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:08,754
They're no name commenters.
43
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,298
Tormentors.
44
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,550
Are we having
a bad day, honey?
45
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,052
Anonymous.
46
00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:17,679
Ominous.
47
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,975
That'll be fine, thank you.
48
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:24,185
I'm afraid I don't have
a gratuity right now.
49
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,398
So, that guy
from the other night,
50
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:30,442
he's not for me, right?
51
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,610
What guy?
52
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,613
That beardy guy
that I kissed at the party.
53
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,864
He's gross, right?
54
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,158
Like, that's not a thing
for me.
55
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:41,620
There wasn't like,
a spark or anything.
56
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,497
You mean the hitchhiker
that was burning meat
57
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,623
over a garbage can?
58
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,416
Yeah, that one.
59
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,501
Have you seen
60
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:48,877
your mother today?
61
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,671
Yeah, she was face down on
the carpet before dragging
62
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,047
herself into the closet.
63
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,674
And you didn't say anything?
64
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:57,302
I thought she was maybe
looking for a contact
or something.
65
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,429
Yeah, she Googled herself
again, now she's having
66
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:01,140
one of her "things."
67
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:03,017
-(SIGHS)
-How bad is it?
68
00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:04,852
How bad is it?
A solid seven.
69
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,021
It's not an eight,
which seems manageable
for you.
70
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,356
Well, except I've got
a few things I have
to take care of,
71
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:11,399
so I need you two to go in,
and take...
72
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,360
No, I did Saint-Tropez, so.
73
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,403
And I did her birthday,
and Aspen twice.
74
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,447
And I'm trying to sell
this town.
75
00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:20,034
So, if you kids want
any chance of getting
out of here,
76
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,870
you'll help me out,
and go in and look
after your mother.
77
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,163
Well, my horoscope said
78
00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:25,747
that I shouldn't assume
responsibility for anybody
79
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,582
but myself today.
80
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,002
Yeah, and my horoscope says,
"Why don't you go in
and help your mother!"
81
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,381
And don't let her out
of your sight, okay?
82
00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,341
We don't want her
detonating in public!
83
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,135
I know!
84
00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:40,554
Though it is kind of fun
to watch, though.
85
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,057
Not when you're the one
she's trying to back over
with a car.
86
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:44,892
What's that?
87
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,643
-Eye cream.
-From where?
88
00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,269
From Paris.
89
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,521
How did you pay for it?
90
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,398
Oh, one of my credit cards
is still working.
91
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,692
Oh, you're charging things
to your credit card?
92
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,236
I see, and how are you
gonna pay for it?
93
00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:59,114
I don't think you
understand,
I already have it.
94
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:04,078
Well, I know this is
a bizarre concept
for you, David,
95
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:07,581
but if you want cream
from Paris, you need a job,
96
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:11,085
so you can pay for the cream
from Paris!
97
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,921
Okay, well, tell that to
the bags under
my eyes, then.
98
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,797
And right after you tell
your next joke,
99
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:18,842
I want you to go down
to the front desk,
and ask what's-her-name...
100
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,052
Stevie.
101
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,179
Where you can get a job
around here! All right?
102
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:24,514
I'm in the middle
of getting rid
of an X-rated sign,
103
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:27,601
before it scares off
the few buyers
we might actually have!
104
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,770
Okay, I'll get on that.
105
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,564
You want the smooth under
eyes of a 16-year-old,
106
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,648
get a job!
107
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:35,609
(DOOR OPENING)
108
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:36,735
(DOOR CLOSING)
109
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,112
You just need to relax,
110
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,947
because it's not like
your boyfriend left you
111
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,741
for a Scandinavian
flight attendant!
112
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,285
What kind of name
is Kika anyway?
113
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:47,370
I'm the one that should be
in the closet right now,
not you.
114
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:49,206
Help me out.
115
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:50,415
-Help me!
-Okay!
116
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,042
Oh, shh.
117
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:54,128
My foot's fallen asleep.
118
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:57,798
Hey, shall we see
what they're saying
about you and Stavros?
119
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,968
-No!
-It's not my idea!
120
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,178
You were a couple
of doe-eyed lovers
121
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:07,808
aboard a Transatlantic
airship filled with gas!
122
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:08,976
You know what I think
we should do?
123
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,560
I think we should go get
something to eat,
124
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,688
because when you're eating
you can't be talking
to me, okay?
125
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,857
-You know what I think?
-What?
126
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,485
(SNORTING)
127
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,946
You date pigs.
128
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:24,158
Okay, I just remembered
that being a mother
is not your strong suit.
129
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:28,745
Oh, darling,
I'm only telling you
because it's true!
130
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:30,080
And because you gobbled down
131
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,166
a hundred thousand
anti-depressants
this morning.
132
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,667
-I was hungry!
-Hmm.
133
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,628
But I could still eat.
134
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,678
Hi, um, question.
135
00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:49,557
If one were to theoretically
look for a job
136
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,268
here in Schitt's Creek,
137
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:53,520
where would you
138
00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,523
suggest that that person
go to look?
139
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:59,193
Is there, like, a bulletin
board or a pamphlet,
140
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,527
or something
with information on it?
141
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,737
Uh, no, no bulletin board...
142
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,865
What kind of job
are you looking for?
143
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:08,160
Um, something in, like,
art curating,
or trend forecasting.
144
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,244
Okay.
145
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,579
Um, hmm... Let's see.
146
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:15,750
Not seeing anything
in art curating,
or trend forecasting,
147
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,960
that's weird.
148
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:18,503
Okay.
149
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,839
Um, do you have any
other skills or areas
of expertise?
150
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,217
Uh, I've been told
I have really good taste.
151
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,968
Well, that's good. Um...
152
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,971
Let's see... Oh!
153
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,890
Bag boy at the
grocery store.
154
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,100
I don't know what that is.
155
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,186
You put groceries in bags,
156
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:38,857
so that people can carry
their groceries out
of the grocery store.
157
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,069
Okay, and how much do you
think that would pay?
158
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,988
Hmm. I'm gonna say
minimum wage.
159
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:48,242
Which is what,
40, 45 something an hour?
160
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,326
Mmm-hmm. Exactly.
161
00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:51,953
Okay. Okay!
162
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,412
Well, something
to think about.
163
00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:55,040
For sure, thank you.
164
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,291
You're welcome.
165
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:01,629
I would like
two apple fritters,
166
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:08,427
sliver of pecan pie,
large fries with gravy
and bacon!
167
00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:11,098
Okay, so, she will have
scrambled egg whites
168
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,849
and some steamed spinach,
please, thank you.
169
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:17,062
And some pecan pie!
Onion rings, and ice cream!
170
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:20,440
Actually, none of that,
and I will have a tea,
thank you.
171
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:21,775
Okay.
172
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:25,112
Um, Mrs Rose, are you okay?
You seem a bit...
173
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,363
Mmm-hmm. She's fine.
174
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:27,948
I'm fine.
175
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,033
(DOOR OPENING)
176
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,077
(DOOR CLOSING)
177
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:42,545
Um...
178
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,217
Hey! Stay here, okay?
Don't move!
179
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,931
-(DOOR OPENING)
-Oh!
180
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,475
Wow, I'm really bored.
181
00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:59,229
Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Hey!
182
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:03,024
Hey, so I just wanted
to be clear about what
happened the other night.
183
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:05,026
The reason
that I let you kiss me.
184
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,987
Um, you kissed me.
185
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,489
Yeah, no, I can see
how that would be confusing,
186
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,532
but I just wanted
to let you know
187
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,786
that that was just me
going through some stuff.
188
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,704
Cool.
189
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,665
Um, hey!
190
00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:22,377
So, why do they give you
table scraps?
191
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,379
Are you, like,
a poor person, or?
192
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,675
Um, no, but thanks
for asking.
193
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:30,177
No, I use it to compost.
194
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,679
You know, that way nothing
gets thrown out.
195
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:34,973
Composting?
196
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,725
Yeah, no, I...
I know composting.
197
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:41,062
Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does
a compost gift exchange.
198
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:44,149
I'm gonna go.
199
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:47,444
Okay, great, I'm glad that
we could clear this up.
200
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:00,748
Speak of the devil.
201
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,210
Good morning.
202
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,920
-Ray! Hi.
-Hi.
203
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:09,841
I just stopped by to make
an appointment
to see the town council.
204
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,718
You're looking at us.
205
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:15,138
I'm Bob, that's Ronnie,
you know Ray.
206
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,808
Yes, yes, Ray.
Spent a wonderful morning
with Ray.
207
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,228
Well, I can see you've got
a million things
on your plate,
208
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,063
so I'll get to the point,
209
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,439
it's about the town sign.
210
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,734
I told you he wouldn't
let this go!
211
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:31,238
The sign tells people
what to expect
when they're in town.
212
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,074
Do you have a problem
with that message?
213
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,909
A major problem, Bob.
214
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,912
Yeah, you see,
it's the first thing you see
when you drive in,
215
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,914
and as the owner
of the town,
216
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:45,544
I'd like to convey a better,
cleaner image.
217
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,422
There's a lot of history
in that sign, Johnny.
218
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,131
Schitt history.
219
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,758
That's all we need,
220
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,677
some outsider coming in here
and changing everything.
221
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,680
If it ain't broke,
don't fix it!
222
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,107
-Hello, Moira!
-(GASPS) Hi.
223
00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:08,691
Hi!
224
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,194
How are you?
225
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,071
I'm eating egg whites,
226
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,324
and hoping the building
will collapse.
227
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:20,703
Anyways, I have a
giant favour.
228
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,622
Hmm.
229
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:25,833
My class is putting on a
play for the younger grades,
230
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,502
and I just
231
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:29,921
thought that you'd
be perfect,
232
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,591
you know,
to help coach the kids.
233
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,429
Because they'd be thrilled
to have someone like you,
234
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,514
an actual star...
235
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:44,144
Teach them?
236
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:49,023
That must have taken
such courage to ask me that.
237
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:55,447
But in show business
boldness is rewarded,
238
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,407
so my answer is yes.
239
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:59,867
Yes, yes!
240
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,202
That is such good news!
241
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,246
Fuck, I know!
242
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,922
So, how'd it go?
243
00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:15,758
I met with a woman
at a very sad grocery store,
244
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:20,180
and I have a quote unquote
interview to be a bag boy.
245
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:23,016
Hey, that's great!
246
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,977
That's all that I'm
apparently qualified to be.
247
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,062
-When's the interview?
-This afternoon.
248
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,398
Well, the interview's where
you make your first
good impression,
249
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,983
so, it's gotta count.
250
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,194
I'm interviewing to be
a bag boy, not a personal
injury lawyer.
251
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:37,405
David, I've had enough
people hire enough people
in my day
252
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,991
to know exactly what they're
looking for in an interview,
253
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,243
so, let's go! Let's get up.
254
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,830
For what?
255
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,208
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
256
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,584
-Come in!
-(DOOR OPENING)
257
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:55,048
Oh, David Rose.
258
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,467
You're applying
for the bag boy position.
259
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:58,552
Yeah.
260
00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:01,304
Tell me David,
why do you want this job?
261
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:02,847
I don't want this job.
262
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,183
Well, thank you very much,
and don't expect a
phone call!
263
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,060
-Okay.
-All right, do it right!
264
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:09,145
-(GROANS)
-Or let's not do it.
265
00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,230
Now, we're gonna
start again.
266
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,565
-Okay.
-Tell me, David,
267
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,233
why do you want this job?
268
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:14,942
I ran out of eye cream.
269
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,153
Okay, you're not gonna
get this job. You're not
gonna get this job!
270
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,364
You know why?
Your attitude sucks!
271
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,781
-Okay...
-And look at how
you're dressed.
272
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:23,826
What is this?
Colostomy bag pants!
273
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:26,246
I'm the manager of a family
run grocery store.
274
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,664
I'm not gonna hire you!
275
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,916
You're not gonna get the
job, you're the
last person...
276
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,085
-Okay!
-Where's your mother?
277
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,211
(PANTS)
278
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,296
-Where's your mother?
-What?
279
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:36,548
(VOCALISING)
280
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:37,798
-What?
-Where's your mother?
281
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,426
She's with Jocelyn.
282
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,844
-With Jocelyn?
-She's fine!
283
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,555
And I'm fine too,
if anybody cares.
284
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,390
I told you to watch her!
285
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,643
I did watch her!
I watched her
talk to Jocelyn.
286
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,271
(EXHALES)
287
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:55,483
Okay, how many of you
beautiful young things
288
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,984
have a background
in the theatre?
289
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,737
Raise your swords!
290
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:06,411
I see, a class grounded
in realism, nice work.
291
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:10,081
Because that is where
we find our deepest well.
292
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,417
May I be upfront?
293
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,668
Yes.
294
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:19,340
We're not here to play,
or to have fun!
295
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:25,513
You will work
until it hurts!
296
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,266
(HORN HONKING)
297
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,184
Hey, come here a second!
298
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,646
Hey, just the man
I wanna see!
299
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:35,898
So word on the street is
that you're all freaked out
300
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,151
about the town sign,
is that right?
301
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,654
No, no, I'm not freaked out
about the town
sign, I just...
302
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,947
And that you have some sort
of problem with my family,
303
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,157
-or something, is that it?
-No, no, no,
304
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,325
this is not about
your family.
305
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:46,825
-It's not?
-It's not about
your family. No.
306
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:48,495
-Really? Okay, interesting.
-No, no, no.
307
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:49,828
In the car, come on!
308
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,539
In, let's go!
309
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,628
Come on, Kaylee, try this.
310
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,588
It's cool.
311
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,507
I can be cool
without drugs, Mark!
312
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,258
Okay, stop! No one speak.
313
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,718
Not a word!
314
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:06,721
(MOCKING)
315
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,682
It's not your fault,
the script is garbage!
316
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:12,769
Okay, which one of you
wrote this?
317
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,355
I did.
318
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:20,109
Jocelyn, have you ever been
addicted to drugs?
319
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:21,944
No!
320
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:24,030
Then write
what you know, okay?
321
00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:26,199
The quiet suffering of a
woman trapped in a
322
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,867
relationship with
a simpleton.
323
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,578
That's not what
I know Moira,
324
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:34,248
and drug awareness is part
of the curriculum, so.
325
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,834
I'm gonna work
with these two.
326
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:40,046
What is it that you want?
327
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:41,422
To go home.
328
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,383
Is that where you keep
the stash?
329
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,718
You want the marijuana?
330
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,594
Yes?
331
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:51,641
No, you want to be seen,
and heard, and loved!
332
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,563
Now, what is it you need?
333
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,148
It's different, be careful,
what is it you need?
334
00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:03,778
(SHOUTING)
What is it you need?
335
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,506
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
336
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:26,050
(KNOCKING)
337
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:34,434
Hey!
338
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:37,395
Um, were you working out
or something? Or...
339
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,732
Uh, sort of.
340
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:44,026
Okay, well,
I'm sorry for interrupting.
341
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:47,238
Um, I just... I happened
to be in the area, so...
342
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,406
WOMAN: Mutt?
343
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:50,867
Um...
344
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:52,993
-Just...
-Alexis!
345
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,538
Twyla!
346
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,583
I didn't know you
two were...
347
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,502
Did you wanna come in?
I was just about to make
some tea.
348
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:03,671
Mmm. No, I'm good.
349
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,965
Um, I should be getting back
to my mom,
350
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:09,469
who's not well, yeah,
so, I'm gonna go.
351
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,637
Okay.
352
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,472
-You guys have fun!
-Thanks!
353
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,557
(LAUGHING)
354
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,016
Bye!
355
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,310
(DOOR CLOSING)
356
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,979
Bye.
357
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:24,525
That is my great grandfather
up there, Horace Schitt.
358
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,611
He was a visionary, Johnny!
359
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,655
He discovered this land,
he developed it,
360
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,616
and he turned it into
the little slice of heaven
that it is.
361
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,201
(WHIMPERING) And I'm proud
of him! You understand that?
362
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,578
Roland, you've got this
all wrong.
363
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,663
Why do you hate me?
364
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,581
I don't hate you!
I don't hate you!
365
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,249
Well then, why do you
have a problem with a sign
366
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,876
that celebrates my family?
367
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,253
It's not, it's just the way
they're celebrating,
that's all!
368
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,046
Okay, so now you hate
my family.
369
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:47,131
I don't hate your family!
370
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,215
Well then, what is your
big fat problem
371
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,300
with the sign?
372
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,010
It looks like
your great grandfather's
373
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,596
fucking your great
grandmother
right up the ass!
374
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,643
Oh, my...
That is so demented!
375
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,103
You can't tell me
you don't see that!
376
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:04,983
Well, you know, now that
you put that creepy thought
in my head,
377
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:08,528
sure, I see it, but you
got it all wrong, pal!
378
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,030
Let me enlighten you,
Mr Johnny Rose!
379
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:12,991
That isn't even
Horace's wife!
380
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,909
That's his sister.
381
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,956
Well, how does that make it
any better?
382
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,166
(LAUGHING) Oh!
383
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,627
Well, I don't know how
they do things
where you come from,
384
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:25,837
but around these parts,
385
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,715
we don't do that sort of
thing with our sisters!
386
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:32,343
Roland, how is anybody
driving past this sign
387
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,971
supposed to know
the woman getting banged
from behind
388
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:37,097
is that man's sister?
389
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,809
-Oh, my.
-Oh, my! Yes, oh my!
390
00:17:39,851 --> 00:17:42,520
All right, Johnny,
well I never really looked
at it that way,
391
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:46,106
but now I get it, okay,
well, all right,
I'll do something about it.
392
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,483
I'll fix it, all right?
393
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:50,570
And thank you, thank you
for bringing that up to me.
394
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:51,863
Good.
395
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,075
Good!
396
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,995
Jocelyn, we're going
off book!
397
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,788
Well, actually,
we're running out of time.
398
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:03,499
Forget the lines,
forget the lines!
399
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:06,627
Let's just be in character,
shall we?
400
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,925
Ugh, could you be stiffer?
Just watch, please.
401
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:13,009
(CLEARS THROAT)
402
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:14,802
-Start wherever.
-Um...
403
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,722
Do you wanna smoke a joint?
404
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,059
Oh, Mark,
you are better than this.
405
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,269
You can't let others
define you.
406
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:24,604
Look at me!
407
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,481
Never let the bastards
get you down!
408
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:28,566
Can't say bastard!
409
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,150
Okay.
410
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,112
You must prepare for life,
and whatever it will throw
at you.
411
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,615
The opportunities
will diminish,
412
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:37,742
and the ass will get bigger,
413
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,702
oh, you can bet
your bottom dollar it will!
414
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:43,790
Especially yours.
You're going to have
a huge ass.
415
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,667
And you, future baldy.
416
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,336
Sorry, hairless, homeless!
417
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,380
So what? Who cares?
418
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,884
When they get mean,
you tell them to go to hell!
419
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:58,304
Because only you know
who you are!
420
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:02,600
And those cruel Internet
people cannot take
that away from you!
421
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,311
You will forge on!
422
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:09,816
And you will find some
glimmer of something
to hold on to.
423
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:13,987
And only then will you find
your way back.
424
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:19,075
(CRYING) Only then will you
become once again
who you are!
425
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,201
Lady standing!
426
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,084
(GROANING)
427
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:34,132
Good, you're gettin'
the hang of it.
428
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,509
Well, putting groceries
in a bag
429
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,385
is not as complicated
as one might think.
430
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,763
Watch the eggs.
What did I say?
431
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,016
You said put them
in a separate bag.
432
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:46,019
Good. Quick learner.
433
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,062
WOMAN: (ON PA)
David Rose, line one.
434
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,525
Sorry, I just gotta...
435
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:54,443
Just one... Thank you.
436
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:56,863
Hello?
437
00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,572
Hey, how's it going?
438
00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,824
Yeah, I can't talk
right now, so.
439
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,534
Ah, they're working
you hard, huh?
440
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:04,411
Yeah, I can't talk,
so I'm gonna hang up, bye.
441
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,624
Sorry, sorry about that.
442
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,047
Someone's on
a health kick, huh?
443
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,467
WOMAN: (ON PA)
David Rose, line one.
444
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:23,681
I'm just gonna...
Scoot past.
445
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,936
-Yeah?
-You hung up.
446
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,230
(HANGS UP PHONE)
447
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:32,523
Sorry.
448
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:34,859
Okay.
449
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:37,737
Where were we?
450
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:39,822
WOMAN: (ON PA)
David Rose, line one!
451
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,535
Right.
452
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,788
Take that off.
453
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,290
Hand that to you.
454
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,251
Now I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.
455
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:58,591
This is worse.
456
00:20:58,632 --> 00:20:59,926
This is much worse!
457
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:01,094
You did this?
458
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:03,763
No, I didn't do this,
I tried to fix this!
459
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,472
Well, it...
460
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,307
It is what it is.
461
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,684
Okay, it looks like...
462
00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:10,853
I know
what it looks like, Alexis!
463
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,021
I know!
30969
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