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1
00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,921
[Johnny reading]
2
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,801
[doorbell ringing]
3
00:00:09,884 --> 00:00:11,553
[footsteps approaching]
4
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,182
[doorbell rings again]
5
00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:24,274
[doorbell ringing faster]
6
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,655
-Immigration?
-Revenue.
7
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:33,867
Mrs. Rose! There are people
here from the government!
8
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,041
[Moira screaming]
9
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,419
I've been gutted!
10
00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:45,670
John, I've been stripped
11
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:49,007
of every morsel of pleasure
I earned in this life!
12
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,717
Well, how do you think I feel, Moira?
13
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,927
Eli was family, for God's sake!
14
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,929
"Leave your finances to me," he said!
15
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,639
Son of a bitch!
16
00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,310
[Alexis] Baby, it's crazy.
People are just, like, taking our stuff!
17
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:02,645
I said, they're taking our stuff!
18
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,939
Can you just step out of
the club for a second…
19
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,024
Hold on, hold on!
20
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,692
Those bags are not for you.
21
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:08,985
My boyfriend bought those for me.
22
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,196
So, theoretically, they are his!
23
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,281
Please, sir, can you step aside?
24
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:16,367
[David] No, you step aside!
You step aside!
25
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,328
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around
26
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:22,040
what kind of a sick person wants to get
paid to destroy another person's life!
27
00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:24,626
[screaming] Destroy another person's life!
28
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,628
Where are you taking that?
29
00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:29,047
My very soul has been kidnapped.
30
00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:32,008
There's no ransom.
No one's coming to save me!
31
00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:34,052
[Johnny] We've got 15 minutes
to collect our personals.
32
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:35,720
-Can we pick up the pace?
-[Moira] No.
33
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,890
No! Did you put Kristen with Robin?
They don't like each other!
34
00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:41,142
No! No! [sobbing]
35
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,813
[Lawyer] Eli really did a number, Johnny.
36
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,439
He took everything.
37
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,441
They're still looking for him.
They think he's in the Caymans.
38
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:51,778
He was our business manager.
He's supposed to pay taxes!
39
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:53,196
Hmm.
40
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,615
There is a very small amount
set aside for you,
41
00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:58,743
and one asset the government
has allowed you to retain.
42
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,995
The kids.
43
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,872
The children are dependents, Moira.
44
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:09,420
You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.
45
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:12,757
Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.
46
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:15,677
Wait, you actually purchased that town?
47
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,763
Yes, I purchased the town.
How else could I get the deed?
48
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,181
You could've photoshopped the deed!
49
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,766
And saved the money! Saved the money!
50
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,435
Why would I Photoshop a deed?
The joke was owning the town!
51
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:25,770
-Okay, stop.
-That was the joke!
52
00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,272
-Oh, my God!
-Well, that was the joke!
53
00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,773
To Johnny's credit,
54
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:32,527
this town might just be your saving grace.
55
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,654
-At least for a while.
-What do you mean?
56
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:37,198
You can live there for next to nothing,
until you get back on your feet.
57
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,659
I'm sure there's a penthouse
we can move into.
58
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:42,120
Please, there are other options.
59
00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,914
Well, homelessness is still on the table.
60
00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,178
[Alexis] The whole time
61
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:02,056
I was surrounded by old women
wearing visors,
62
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,683
who smelled like yams!
63
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,853
{\an8}There was nowhere to lie down!
64
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,105
{\an8}There was nowhere to lie down.
There was no bed!
65
00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:10,773
{\an8}-[David grunting]
-There was no kitchen.
66
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,735
{\an8}I know! No.
67
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,029
I don't know what to tell you.
68
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:17,822
There's like, cows all over the place.
69
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,449
Like, everywhere.
70
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,451
{\an8}I don't know if there's an infestation.
71
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,786
{\an8}I don't know what's happening. Yeah.
72
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:26,539
{\an8}[clears throat] Johnny Rose!
73
00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:29,667
Roland Schitt.
74
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,170
You're the mayor we're supposed to meet.
75
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:33,504
That's right. I'm the mayor.
76
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:36,007
{\an8}So if you're looking for an ass to kiss,
it's mine!
77
00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:37,091
{\an8}[chuckles]
78
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:40,803
{\an8}Oh, this is my family, my son…
79
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,765
{\an8}Let's get you all squared away
in the office there, Johnny, okay?
80
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:46,184
{\an8}The gals can grab the bags.
You follow me, all right?
81
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,144
Right this way. Watch it, honey.
Here we come.
82
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,605
{\an8}[Alexis] The Cheaters marathon we watched,
it's like that.
83
00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:52,649
{\an8}Children, keep an eye on these bags.
84
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,360
{\an8}Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!
85
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,946
-David, what are we--
-Shut up!
86
00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,698
-You shut up!
-You shut up!
87
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:04,077
-Um, you shut up!
-You shut up!
88
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,413
The name is Rose.
89
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:10,500
{\an8}I don't see a reservation under that name.
90
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,211
{\an8}It's okay, Stevie.
I set aside two rooms for them.
91
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,587
{\an8}Well, there's nothing here.
92
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,589
{\an8}Well, okay, fine.
Just book 'em in with two rooms.
93
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,175
{\an8}These people own the town.
They're big deals.
94
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,052
{\an8}We'll need three rooms, minimum.
95
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:22,929
{\an8}Ooh, no can do, honey.
96
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,306
{\an8}Look, we have a one-room comp policy here,
97
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:29,018
{\an8}and I am personally throwing in
an extra room out of sheer decency, so…
98
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,688
{\an8}What about suites?
Do you have a couple of suites?
99
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:32,897
{\an8}[chuckles] This guy!
100
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,399
{\an8}Um…
101
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,443
{\an8}No, this is a motel.
102
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,654
{\an8}So we cater more to off road truckers
103
00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:41,322
{\an8}and drunk teenagers.
104
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:44,158
{\an8}Please, someone just give me a key,
to a door,
105
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:46,202
to a room, any room!
106
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,956
I just want a bathtub and
a long extension cord, please.
107
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:53,543
[Roland] There you go, ma'am.
108
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,174
Smells like a gym bag.
109
00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,176
Does anyone else feel light-headed?
110
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,763
Oh, my God, this takes me back
to high school.
111
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:09,767
You know, I did the deed
in just about every room in this place.
112
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:13,104
Yep, if a forensic team came in here
with one of those blue lights,
113
00:05:13,187 --> 00:05:14,605
this place would just light up!
114
00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,065
Okay, that's good.
115
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,151
-Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
116
00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:20,737
Oh, hey, chief, the other room's
right through there.
117
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:21,821
Here you go.
118
00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:23,990
[Roland sighing]
119
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,285
[Moira] And there's the bed.
120
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:32,373
I should probably
pull off that cover and burn it.
121
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:33,916
All right.
122
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,129
Good, Roland. Thank you very much.
Appreciate everything…
123
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:39,589
[announcer on TV]
Have a ball in the land down under!
124
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,215
Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?
125
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,216
Okay.
126
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:43,968
[changing channels]
127
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:45,553
[Alexis] Okay.
128
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,431
Okay.
129
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:49,515
[David grunts]
130
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,226
[chuckles] Okay, okay.
131
00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:55,271
Okay, okay, okay.
132
00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:58,274
Okay. Okay.
133
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:00,401
Okay.
134
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,613
Okay!
135
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:08,659
Okay. Okay. I love you!
136
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:12,789
Oh, okay, well, looks like
you got all the channels
137
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,458
except for Channel 19 for some reason.
I don't know why.
138
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:18,169
Well, the thing is we won't be watching
a lot of television.
139
00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,171
But again, thank you.
140
00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:23,883
Don't want to keep you.
I know you're a busy man.
141
00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,468
[static continues hissing]
142
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,057
[sighs]
143
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,436
[muffled retch]
144
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:38,022
Whoa!
145
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,441
-[door opening]
-[music playing]
146
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,988
-Hi.
-Can I help you?
147
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,865
-I'm looking for an extra towel.
-Okay.
148
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,283
And this might be a stupid question,
149
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,577
considering the state of the rugs
in our room,
150
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:56,165
but do you have a business center here?
151
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:59,043
Yes, we do have a business center.
152
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,546
You can find it right outside the doors
to your left,
153
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:04,340
right beside the Hammam spa.
154
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,217
Would you like me to book you a treatment
while you're at it?
155
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,094
Thank you. No, just the towel, thanks.
156
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,804
I'll get those right out.
157
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:17,520
Well, Roland, once again, thank you
for giving us the lay of the land here,
158
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,522
but we have some serious unpacking to do.
159
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,150
-If you don't mind.
-Oh, sure!
160
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,944
No problem there, Johnny.
I don't mind helpin' out.
161
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:29,740
-Listen, one thing before I go here…
-[clears throat]
162
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,951
Do you mind if I use your toilet?
163
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:37,290
Is it absolutely necessary? [chuckles]
164
00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,499
[laughing]
165
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:42,837
Yeah, I would say
it's absolutely necessary!
166
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,756
Excuse me. "Absolutely necessary."
167
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:50,761
Yes, that train has left the station,
if you know what I mean!
168
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:54,557
I need that bed.
169
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,641
Why?
170
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,268
-Because I need it.
-Why?
171
00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:58,728
Because if someone were to break in here
172
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,271
in the middle of the night
wanting to murder us,
173
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:01,898
they would attack this bed first.
174
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,108
So I need this bed.
175
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,527
So you're saying that you want me
to get murdered first?
176
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,613
In front of you?
And then what would you do?
177
00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:11,866
Would you just run away and leave me
to bleed out on the floor?
178
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,702
Sort of, that was the plan, yeah.
179
00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,370
Okay.
180
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,289
Well, you can have the bed when I leave.
181
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,208
Well, where are you going?
182
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,001
Stavros is flying in to get me.
I told you that.
183
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,795
What do you mean Stavros is…
184
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,672
What do you mean?
When? When is he doing that?
185
00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,467
Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate
stops hogging his plane.
186
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,093
Well, where are we going?
187
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:36,182
Okay. At present, he's just coming for me.
188
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,642
But then I figured that
189
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:40,686
we would just come back
and grab you guys at some point.
190
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,980
What kind of sociopath
191
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:47,151
abandons her family
in some vomit-soaked dump
192
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,487
to gallivant around the world
193
00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:52,031
with her dumb,
shipping-heir loser boyfriend
194
00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:53,658
she's known for three months?
195
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,662
Um, David, it will be four months
next month!
196
00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:59,664
Oh, my God!
197
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,332
And he just told me that
198
00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:03,834
he could potentially see himself
considering saying "I love you"
199
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,836
at some point sometime soon, so…
200
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,380
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
201
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:09,882
I'm telling Mom. I'm telling Mom and Dad.
Have you told them?
202
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,343
No! No. David,
I'm waiting for the right opportunity.
203
00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:14,387
Okay? Otherwise, Dad's gonna cry,
204
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:17,557
and Mom's gonna do that thing
where she pretends that nothing's wrong,
205
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,184
and then just doesn't talk to me
for five months, and I don't want that.
206
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:23,729
Well, I need this bed. I need it. So…
207
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,107
You know what, David?
208
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:28,192
You get murdered first for once!
209
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,528
No, you get murdered first!
210
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,530
David, you get murdered first!
211
00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:34,865
-No, you! You do!
-Yes, you get murdered first!
212
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,451
[Alexis] David, you get murdered first!
213
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,631
I actually think this place
is kind of cute.
214
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,134
Did you say cute?
215
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:57,513
No, Alexis.
Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.
216
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,641
Where's that weird man?
217
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:01,726
[mouthing]
218
00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:03,227
Where?
219
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,898
He's in the bathroom. He won't leave!
220
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,900
Well, he's been in there
for a very long…
221
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,987
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-[toilet flushes]
222
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:16,490
Jeez. Um… Boy.
223
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:19,577
Remind me to get that window fixed.
It will not open.
224
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,662
Roland, listen, thank you very much.
225
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,456
But I appreciate everything you've done.
226
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:25,666
We need a little private time now
as a family.
227
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:26,834
[TV switches on]
228
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:30,212
Sure. Well, actually,
those curtains do close there, so…
229
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:31,297
[mouthing]
230
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,633
Oh, look! You've got Channel 19!
231
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,844
Roland, could you get the fuck out?
232
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:39,680
ANNOUNCER ON TV: This latest modelis a revelation in innovation.
233
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,265
I am not lying, folks.
234
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,476
It's gonna last you a lifetime.You are gonna thank…
235
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,560
[TV switches off]
236
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:50,524
That was an overreaction.
That was uncalled for.
237
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:55,404
It's just, you know, we're a little tired.
It's been a long day.
238
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:59,533
There's a pharmacy worth of drugs
wearing off on most of us right now,
239
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,912
and I just think as a family,
we need a little time to chill.
240
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:06,207
Johnny, please,
you don't have to apologize,
241
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,918
and you really don't have to hit me
over the head with this sort of thing.
242
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,169
I get it.
243
00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:12,129
You need your little family time
and all that.
244
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,173
I'm sure. No problem.
245
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:16,801
You know what I'll do? I'll…
246
00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:20,763
I'll just get the fuck out of here.
247
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,404
[David groans] We have to eat in here?
248
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:38,697
-I think it's kind of sweet.
-[David sighs]
249
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,450
Alexis, what's going on with you?
250
00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:43,869
What do you mean?
251
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,914
Seriously? The room was "cute,"
this place is "sweet."
252
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:49,291
I am personally offended by this place.
253
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,669
I don't know what you think
is nice about it.
254
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:54,922
The town is disgusting. It is gruesome.
255
00:11:55,005 --> 00:12:00,177
It is charming. It is quaint.
It's like out of a storybook.
256
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,680
Alexis, what the hell
is the matter with you?
257
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,392
[groans] Okay.
258
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,269
Stavros is flying in to get me,
259
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,771
and I am going to go live with him
for a little bit.
260
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,982
Well, that is not happening.
261
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,234
And I am appalled that my baby girl
262
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,446
has turned into a selfish,
duplicitous whore!
263
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:19,655
Oh, hello!
264
00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:22,825
Hi, I'm Twyla.
I'll be your waitress today.
265
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:26,537
Anyway, I read about you guys
and everything you've gone through.
266
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,456
It sounds super crappy.
267
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,915
Super crappy?
268
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,710
I had a second cousin in Elmdale
who did telemarketing.
269
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:34,420
He made a ton of money.
270
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:37,465
Turns out his entire business was illegal,
and he lost everything.
271
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,467
Hmm. Not quite the same.
272
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,428
Yeah. No, he went to prison,
which is terrible, but…
273
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,847
But he is learning Spanish.
274
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:49,143
No mas, le duele!
I think it means, "Stop, it hurts."
275
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,854
Oh, wonderful anecdote.
Could you give us a moment, please?
276
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,190
Whenever you're ready.
I'm just right over here.
277
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:57,318
I forbid you to abandon our family.
278
00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,195
I am a grown woman, mother.
279
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,280
This is the act of a spoiled child!
280
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,991
I think it's unforgivable!
281
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:05,993
I think that you're just super jealous,
282
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,078
'cause I'm getting out of here!
283
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,206
Also, you have a big thing of dandruff
on your eyebrow.
284
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:12,374
-Don't do that!
-Kids, stop, stop!
285
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,378
The world is falling apart around us,
John, and I'm dying inside.
286
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,797
Well, I'm feeling a little queasy myself.
287
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,300
Oh, brisket!
288
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:24,512
-Give me some space!
-[Alexis] David!
289
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,186
John.
290
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:34,313
-Oh, my God!
-[Alexis] Um…
291
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,403
These rooms did have doors, didn't they?
292
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,197
Yeah, it's a hotel. They're hotel rooms.
293
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,242
It's a motel! These are motel rooms.
294
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:47,868
What if they took our stuff?
295
00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,954
What stuff? There's no stuff to take.
296
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:51,664
I have stuff!
297
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,209
Son of a bitch!
298
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,005
[music playing]
299
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:03,801
Yeah, I've got a problem.
300
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,262
-If this is about doors…
-Yeah, it's about doors.
301
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:09,390
Yeah, my doors are gone, my front door.
Somebody stole my doors!
302
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:11,892
Yeah, you're gonna have to talk
to Roland about that.
303
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,310
He lives just down the street.
304
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,354
You make a left out of the motel
and then another left.
305
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,565
It's a house with a truck in the driveway.
306
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:20,150
There's a bumper sticker
of a naked Helen Mirren.
307
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:23,571
[Moira screams]
308
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:26,699
Oh, my God, no! No! No!
309
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,117
What?
310
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,619
My earrings! They were there.
They're not there!
311
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,330
-Where did they go?
-I don't know! I don't know!
312
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,291
First you threatened to abandon me,
313
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,543
and now my precious diamonds are gone!
314
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,837
Okay, you are being super dramatic
right now.
315
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,881
Shut up and look for them!
316
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:42,965
[shrieking]
317
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,426
[continues shrieking]
318
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,681
[sobbing hysterically]
319
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:51,765
[screaming]
320
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,518
Get open!
321
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,985
[Johnny] Roland,
I see you behind the truck!
322
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,987
Yeah, of course you see me.
323
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,947
I'm looking at my gravel.
324
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,910
Gravel these days. What are you gonna do?
325
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,411
Yeah, it's gravel.
326
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,330
Yeah, it's gravel!
327
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,664
Hey, good news for you.
328
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,167
I talked to a guy about
that bathroom window.
329
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,377
That's the least of my concerns right now!
330
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,964
Oh, Really?
Well, why don't we address your concerns?
331
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,341
The doors!
332
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,384
-I want my doors back!
-Oh.
333
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:29,845
Before it gets dark!
My son is afraid of moths.
334
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,180
Oh, hmm.
335
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:32,681
Well, here's the thing about that, Johnny.
336
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,017
You see, you did a bad thing.
337
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,770
You disrespected me
in front of your family!
338
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:39,146
And now they think less of me.
339
00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:40,814
I doubt that's possible.
340
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:41,899
And to be honest,
341
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:45,152
you were kind of breathing down our necks
a little bit back at the motel.
342
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:48,864
Johnny, when I was a kid
and I did a bad thing,
343
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,116
my father took the doors off my room.
344
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:55,829
And he said to me,
"Roland, privacy is earned."
345
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,207
I am having a tough time following that.
346
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,417
What the hell does that have to do
with privacy?
347
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,754
Nothing. I just got mad
and I took your doors.
348
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:07,383
Look, if you took offence
to anything I said back at the motel,
349
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,177
just know it wasn't personal.
350
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:14,556
All right. Apology accepted.
351
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,184
Well, that was less of an apology
and more of an explanation.
352
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,727
Nevertheless, I accept your apology.
353
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,979
Which it wasn't!
354
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,897
So thank you again for that apology,
which was very nice.
355
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,941
Well, there was no apology,
and I can't do this anymore!
356
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,735
You said you're sorry
in a very sweet and humble way,
357
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,445
and that takes a big man to do that.
358
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:31,824
And that's what Johnny Rose is!
A big man! Ooh!
359
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:37,579
[Moira] Oh!
360
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,208
Hello! Hello!
361
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:44,461
Hi, hello. Come here, please.
362
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:49,591
I don't suppose
you saw any hobos or crackheads
363
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,385
loitering around the hotel today?
364
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,013
No crackheads, no…
365
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,599
While the rooms were exposed to the world
like a Moroccan fair,
366
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,352
someone got in here and stole my earrings.
367
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,647
But it was just…
But it was just you here today.
368
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,276
-It was.
-It was.
369
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,863
I'm assuming you were the only one here
on the premises today?
370
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,282
I think I know
where you're going with this.
371
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:15,826
No, I'm simply confirming that
372
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:19,872
you alone were here
when the earrings were stolen.
373
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,540
Are you asking me
if I stole your earrings?
374
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:24,043
No, I would never.
Please! [nervous chuckle]
375
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:27,212
But I also would certainly
never press charges.
376
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:30,507
If my earrings were
suddenly to be returned,
377
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,218
if they suddenly reappeared,
378
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,554
if you gave them back,
I would not press charges.
379
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:37,389
I would look the other way.
380
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,891
Okay, you know what? I gotta run.
381
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,226
'Cause I wanna hit the pawn shop
before it closes.
382
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,479
I owe my crack dealer
a ton of money, so…
383
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:46,440
You seem like you have this
under control, though.
384
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:48,400
What just happened?
385
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,444
David, I politely asked
that concierge girl
386
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,112
if she had stolen my earrings,
387
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:55,657
and she turned ice cold,
and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!
388
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,743
What? I need a towel!
389
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,621
Hello, hi, hi.
390
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,998
I am sorry if my mom accused you
of taking something.
391
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,416
[Stevie] It's fine.
392
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,376
Okay, but does this mean that
when you're cleaning our rooms,
393
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,711
you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds
394
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,713
-out of spite or something?
-I won't be cleaning your room.
395
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:11,924
Okay, can I ask you a question?
396
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,801
Shoot.
397
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:16,261
-I think you're kind of rude!
-Is that a question?
398
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:20,099
I have asked you thrice now for a towel
399
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:23,435
so that I may wash this town off my body.
400
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,686
Do you think I wanna be here?
401
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,396
Do you think I wanna be here?
402
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:27,731
I don't know what you want.
403
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,566
You've given me one-word answers
since I got here!
404
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,528
So if I get you a towel,
you'll stop following me to my car?
405
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,572
Yes! Yes!
406
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,700
Fine, but I'm only doing this
because you called me rude,
407
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,953
and I take that as a compliment.
408
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,955
The man is a lunatic!
409
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:44,748
What the hell happened here?
410
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:46,458
We've been robbed.
411
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,878
Right now, some local
is pawning my earrings for crank.
412
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,131
-Your diamonds?
-Yes, my diamonds,
413
00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,882
the one thing I could hide
under my tongue.
414
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:58,178
Moira, I took your earrings out of here
415
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,222
and I put them in my shoe.
416
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:04,351
-For safekeeping.
-[Alexis] No! No!
417
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,856
Stavros just texted me.
418
00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,858
[sobbing] And he ended it.
He's not coming!
419
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:13,026
He said that he doesn't have time
to come and get me because
420
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:16,822
he already RSVP'd to Diddy's white party,
421
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,240
and he doesn't have time to do both!
422
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,242
But I was supposed to be his date
to the white party!
423
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:24,621
Alexis, he was never my favorite Stavros.
424
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:28,417
I've hated that guy ever since he asked me
to do lines with him at my 60th.
425
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:32,045
Just out of sheer curiosity,
426
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:35,507
where do you stand now on whether or not
you think this motel is cute?
427
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,927
-Like, is it still cute, or is it--
-You're a dick, David!
428
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,053
Oh, I'm a dick?
429
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,222
Okay, did I dump you for a party?
430
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:43,765
David, help me with the doors.
431
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,392
No, I can't. I just got out of the shower.
432
00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:46,685
I need help with the doors.
433
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:48,562
-David, help him with the doors!
-Oh, my God!
434
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,772
-You help him with the doors!
-No!
435
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,941
-David, could you help me with the doors?
-It's air-drying!
436
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,945
Pick up a hammer
and nail this coffin shut!
437
00:19:57,988 --> 00:20:00,324
[Alexis] As if I didn't see this coming.
438
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,785
He's broken up with me five times already.
439
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:07,289
Like, there was that time
that he never met me in Rio,
440
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:11,376
and remember that time when he gave me
his ex-wife's engagement ring?
441
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,421
And then, last summer,
442
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,757
that time that he left his molly
in my glove compartment,
443
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,302
-and then I got arrested?
-Oh, my God! Can you do me a huge favor?
444
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:23,305
And never repeat this
to anyone that you respect, okay?
445
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,475
-Okay? Okay.
-Okay.
446
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,602
Kids, we just came in to say good night
447
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:32,606
and to remind you that
we will get through this as a family.
448
00:20:32,689 --> 00:20:33,732
[David] Okay, good night!
449
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,360
Warmest regards to you both.
450
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:40,572
And that will end up
on our feet in no time!
451
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:44,284
Of course, by then our feet
will be shoeless and filthy and mangled
452
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:48,330
from walking on cigarette butts
and broken beer bottles.
453
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:52,084
So, seriously, Alexis,
enough about Stavros!
454
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:56,129
I'm sorry if I am going through something
right now!
455
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:58,757
You're going through something?
456
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:10,185
-[Moira] Good night, children.
-[Johnny] Good night!
457
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,813
-[David] Good night.
-[Alexis tearfully] Good night.
458
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:15,941
[Moira] Let's all pray we don't wake up.
33487
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