All language subtitles for S1E05 - How the Tess Was Won

It all started when a time-travel
experiment I was conducting...

went... a little caca.

In the blink of a cosmic clock,
I went from quantum physicist...

... to air force test pilot,

which could have been fun
if I knew how to fly.

Fortunately, I had help...
an observer from the project named Al.

Unfortunately, Al's a hologram,
so all he can lend is moral support.

Anyway, here I am,
bouncing around in time,

putting things right
that once went wrong...

a sort of time-traveling Lone Ranger
with Al as my Tonto,

and I don't even need a mask.

Oh, boy.

Bouncing around in time
can be a little disorienting,

a little taxing on the nerves,

a little jolting to the... equilibrium.

It can also be very rewarding.

Unfortunately, like the Bible says,

the Lord giveth...

And the Lord taketh away.

Not gonna do it.
I want heirs, Tess.

I want Riata to stay in the family,
to go to my grandsons.

Well, I don't see that happening, Chance.
So if you're so damn set on disinheriting me...

if I don't lift up my tail
and act like a brood mare,

then maybe you should figure out some way to
take the spread with you when the time comes.

It's all my fault. I raised you
to run this place like a man,

and now you don't
know how to be a woman.

That's just fine with me. I never
did take to sashayin' and swoonin'.

Well, your mama, God rest her soul, she'd
have made a woman of you instead of a cowboy.

Why can't I be both?
'Cause it ain't natural.

Get married, Tess.
Who do you expect me to marry?

Ben or Eddie...

or Zeke?

I won't breed with inferior stock,
Chance.

The man I marry has to be
more of a man than I am.

Now, daughter, I'm here to tell you.
I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but any man on this ranch
is more man than you are.

Bull. Nobody here can keep
up with me, including Wayne.

Aw, now you're talkin'
like a fool, girl.

And I'll tell you what. If
there's a man on this ranch

who can keep up with me for
one week, then I'll marry him.

But if he can't, then we forget about
this marriage business once and for all.

Honey, you just overplayed your hand.
I pick.

No. I pick him.

I pick...

Him.

Tess, you can't be serious.

You said any man on the ranch,
Chance, and a deal's a deal.

Right, Doc? Right.

- You go for it, Doc?
- Go for what?

Marriage, son.
To Tess and 50,000 acres of Riata.

If you can outride,
out rope and all-around out cowboy me.

- You're kiddin', right?
- This is Texas, son.

We don't kid about our land,
our women or our livestock.

- Now, what's the matter with that little pig?
- Uh... Wha...

- It's hog cholera, ain't it?
- Hog cholera, uh...

Well, you... you never know with pigs.

Damn, I was afraid of that. We're gonna
have to shoot the whole mess of'em.

- Shoot 'em?
- Then burn 'em.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't...
You can't shoot 'em,

because I, uh, haven't made
a... a diagnosis yet.

Uh, okay?

Well, what do ya say?

I'll take the pig.
You keep the daughter.

Well, pick another one.
Nope. It's Doc or nothin'.

Come on, Tess.
Or nothin', Chance.

Doc's a fool.

Thad and me...

... thad and me

All he does is chew and chew

Thad and me

All he does is

Baa at me

Every time I leap,

I do this song and dance to find
out who I am and where I live.

Sometimes... it's hard,

and sometimes it's easy.

All he does is baa at me

Figuring out the names of everyone I'm
supposed to know is a little tougher,

especially if they're alone.

- Hey, Doc.
- Hi, uh, pard.

What happened to you?

Oh, just had a little accident.

Looks like you got us
another patient there.

Yeah, gotta figure out what's
causin' this little guy's runny nose.

Think it might be the hog cholera?

No, it's not hog chol... cholera.

Whatever you say, Doc.

Listen, I fed and watered all the
animals and, uh, cleaned out the cages.

Thanks, uh, pard.

See ya tomorrow, Doc.
Come on, Pard. Let's go.

Couldn't you give 'em name tags?

Or tattoos.

Tina's got her name in a tattoo.

Course, that wouldn't do you much good,
because it's...

It's in a super private part
of her anatomy.

Of course, she always thought
you were kind of cute.

Uh, Sam, you've never seen
Tina's tattoo, have you?

- You didn't answer my question, Sam.
- What?

- Did you ever see Tina's tattoo?
- Are you serious?

You've seen it.

Al, I don't even remember Tina,
let alone her tattoo.

- You're hiding behind your Swiss cheese brain.
- What the hell is wrong with you?

Nah, it couldn't be you.
You're stuck here in 1956.

56's? I'm still a baby. My
sister Kate's not even born yet.

Who's President, Eisenhower?

- Ike Bentenhoff.
- What?

He works in Imaging Control.

At the Christmas party, when Lucille and
I slipped off into the energizing chamber...

- to... to...
- I know, I know.

Exchange gifts, that dirty dog took
advantage of my absence to cozy up to Tina.

- Tina's cheating on you?
- Can you believe it?

It boggles the mind.

Come in here, Al.

It's like Noah's Ark.

Well, this is kinda fun.

Oh, listen, Al. You figure out
what I'm here to do?

Oh, uh, no, I haven't finished
the computation yet.

Uh, just a second.

Uh, well, according to Ziggy,

there's a 72% chance
you're here to cure the pig.

For a minute I thought I was
here to marry Tess. Huh! Oh.

"Oh," what? Oh, oh, well, I haven't
run a number on that yet. Wait.

Oh, it's not so bad, Sam.

Uh, there's only a 47% chance
you're gonna marry this girl Tess.

- Hey, Al, do pigs like milk?
- Oh, they adore it.

Do you know what's wrong with this...
with him?

Uh, it's not a him, Sam. It's a girl.

Trust me, Sam.

Runny nose, watery eyes...

Squeaky voice... loud squeaky voice.

I don't know, Al. I don't know...

Al. Al, that raccoon can see you.

Oh, well, almost all animals can see me.

But, you know, there must be
somethin' weird lookin' about me,

because I seem to intimidate them.

Maybe it's your clothes.

Hey, Al.
Here's a scrapbook on Tess McGill.

- Look at this.
- What?

Well, it-it's Doc's diary.

Correction, it's your diary.

Well, technically it is, but,

I mean, you know,
in reality it's...

Just go ahead
and read the diary, Sam.

"I saw her today. She was having trouble
getting her prize stallion to mate.

That's a cross we all have to bear...

performance under pressure.

"I wanted to take her in my arms,
to kiss her cheeks, her eyes, her lips,

"but after all these years,
I'm still dumbstruck in her presence.

Will I ever have the courage
to tell Tess how much I love her?"

Al, Doc's in love with Tess.

Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh," what?

Well, uh, there's a 97% probability...

that someone who's been sending
her love letters will marry Tess.

Well, uh, then I'm okay, because this is a diary.
It's not love letters.

Don't fight it, Sam.
You're here to marry this cowboy.

Uh, boy-girl. Cowgirl. Girl.

Tess, look here.

Mornin', Doc.

Chance.

Does your bein' here
mean we got to shoot 'em?

Shoot 'em?

Oh, uh, no, no. Uh, I haven't
figured out what's wrong with Piggy,

but it's not hog cholera.
Piggy?

That's what I-I... named the little pig.

Piggy.

Then you're here
to take me on, Doc?

That's right, Tess.
I'm here to take you on.

Yahoo, boys!
We got us a contest!

Get you in shape.

Come on. Take this, would ya?
Take this thing.

Easy.

Here, Doc. You don't have to do that. Oh.

Take that one.
Thanks.

First thing my Dad taught me
about mounting an unknown horse...

was to look him straight in the eye
and show him who's boss.

Then, with a good grip on the reins,

mount quickly and take a firm seat.

After that, the rest was easy.

Uuh!

Hey, Doc! Got a bottle of liniment for
you right here! Get up there!

What the hell's got into you, Doc?

All of Texas knows nobody's ever
ridden Widowmaker, except me.

Ooh!

Hope you don't mind, Doc.

Just a little cowboy humor.

Well, I...
I always liked a good joke.

Ever do any ropin', Doc?

Well, it's been a while.

You, uh, knot your rope to the horn,
or you dally it?

- Dally?
- From the Mex... dale vuelta.

It means to give it a turn.

See, you just take the rope
in your hand like this,

give it a turn
around the horn for leverage.

Easier to release.

It's your turn, Doc. You up to it?

Dale... Vuelta.

- Dale vuelta.
- Yeah. Go get 'em.

Yah!

What were you two palaverin' about?

Oh, I was just, uh,
showin' him how to dally his rope.

You tell him to keep his thumb up?

Wayne, if he's not careful
that rope will jerk his thumb off.

You wanna win this contest or not?

Now, I'm tellin' you somethin'.
The main mistake you're makin' is...

pick one and stay on him, patient.

Even if another one is closer,
don't go after this'un and after that'un.

Pick one and stay with that one.
Now go try it again. Go on.

Whoo! Yeah!

Gosh, Doc. Didn't I tell you
to keep your thumb up?

- No!
- I'm sorry.

God!

I guess I'll just have to...
grow a new one.

Heh! Just a little
cowboy humor there, Wayne.

Yeah. Giddap!

Where you goin', Doc?

Oh, I just... I thought I might
go home and have a hot bath,

eat a little supper, have a hot
bath... Well, we got business in town.

There's a buyer interested in one of our prize
bulls, and if you intend to run Riata with me,

- I think maybe you better come along.
- Without a bath?

You got it, cowboy.

Bonanza was never like this.

Wayne, I want a good hand.

Yeah, I know you do.

Now, Orly, you weren't serious
when you offered 6,000...

for my prize-winnin' bull,
were you?

I heard rumors that bull's gone the way
of Hollywood, if you know what I mean.

Not true, Orly. Hell, half my
heifers are fightin'to get near him,

and the other half
just sit back and admire his work.

Now, don't ya think 7,500
would be a more Christian offer?

Hmm.

No, thanks.
I'll just stick with beer.

Part of bein' a cowboy is bein' able to hold
your liquor while you're holdin' your cards.

I said, no, thank you.
And I said drink it.

- Wayne!
- What?

Back off. Well, ante up, Doc.

You're losin'bad, and I ain't marryin'
no man who can't beat me at poker.

Tina and I met
over a poker table...

in Las Vegas.

I had a flush. She had a pair.

Oh, what a pair.

- Gimme two, Wayne.
- She ran out on me, Sam.

She took my second-most-favorite organ...

and stomped it to death
with her four-inch spike heels.

- Coulda been worse.
- You tryin' to bluff us there, Doc?

You'll never guess who she ran off with...
Gooshie.

- Gooshie?
- Gooshie?

Yeah. G-G-Gooshie.

It's, uh, Navajo for...

I'll see ya.

You know,
you're wasting your money, Sam.

Three kings.
He's got a full boat, aces over eights.

Wayne?

Yeah. Two dollars and, uh,

two more.

He's cheating.

He took the best cards from the
last hand, three aces and two eights.

That's what he's got,
aces and eights.

What about it, Doc?

You gonna stare into space like a
castrated steer, or are you gonna call me?

- Can't beat a full boat.
- How do you know what I'm holding?

Because you're cheating.

- That's it.
- Hold it, Wayne.

Doc, you better know
what you're sayin'.

- I do. Tell them Wayne was palming,
- He was palming,

stacking, shifting,
stacking, shifting...

dealing seconds, dealing base,
dealing sides... cheating.

- Cheating.
- That's why I know...

that... he's got aces and eights.

I got a right to stomp him, Chance.
Not if he's tellin' the truth.

And there's an easy way to find out.

He was cheating, Sam. I swear it.

Uh, Wayne, look, I'm sorry.
I apologize. I just...

That ain't good enough.

Yes, it is.

Buy me a drink, Wayne.

Well, Orly, let's me and you
go talk a little bull. Eh, heh!

I'll hold the money.

Let's get something straight, Wayne.

This is my test, and I'm gonna win it
fair or I'm not gonna win it at all.

You gonna marry Doc?
I ain't marryin' no man.

You are if he wins.
Doc can't out cowboy me.

I don't know, Tess.
There's somethin' different about Doc.

Aces and eights.

That's a dead man's hand,
isn't it... isn't it?

Isn't it?
Yeah, it is.

Ah! Oh!
Turn over Tess's hand.

Forget it, Al. You were wrong.
Sam, turn over Tess's hand.

Come on!

See, I knew it... aces and eights.

He was cheatin'.
He dealt 'em to her so she could beat you.

So that's how she's gonna play it.

You oughta take some salt tablets
and some water.

I ain't thirsty.

No sense killin' yourself.

You're two posts behind,
and there are only three holes left.

- I don't need no help!
- Oh, Women's Lib is gonna love you.

What's that?
Somethin' on the horizon,

like that storm.

We'll beat it. It's an hour off.

Here.

I ain't thirsty.

Tess,

you're pale,

you're hot,
and I'll bet nauseous.

I want you out of the sun.
I ain't no quitter.

Look, nobody said you were.

It's just, there's some things that...
that a man can do better than a woman.

There ain't nothin' that
you can do better than me.

And there are some things that a woman can
do better than a man, like havin' babies.

Babies? I ain't havin' no babies.

Isn't that why you're gettin' married, so you
can have children and keep Riata in the family?

I ain't gettin' married.

Well, you are if I can
keep up with you,

and, uh, I figure that
I'm ahead on points.

Come on. Let go of me! I ain't lettin' no man...

Whoop.

Pard and me
Pardon me for loving you

What is it, Doc?

Heat exhaustion. Get me a half teaspoon of salt
in a quart of cold water, and get me a washcloth.

All right.

Here you go, Doc. I got the well water
and salt like y'all... Oh, Lordy!

Pour me a glass.

She gonna be all right?
Soon as I get her cooled off...

and get some fluids in her,
she'll be fine.

Fetch me a fan, would ya?
All right.

"Fetch. " I'm talkin' like them.

I'll go get the animals.

- Good idea.
- Yeah.

What happened?
I mentioned babies and you fainted.

I swooned?
Well, yeah. Uh, drink this.

Salt water?
Just drink it, please.

Why'd you bring me here?

It's closer than your place. Now, just
drink a little bit more, and slowly.

That's it.

You... You man!

Oh, that's smart.

You're... You got heat prostration,
and you cover yourself up with a blanket.

Pass out again if you want to.
I'll just take off all of your clothes.

- Hi, Miss McGill. Feelin' any better?
- Hi, B...

Doc, if you don't mind...
I put the animals up.

I'd kinda like to get back.
Looks like it's gonna be a pretty big one.

Yeah, well it's fine by me.

Well, I better get home too.

Yeah, you're not goin' anywhere
for at least an hour.

You, uh...

You want...

You want the boy to stay?

- No.
- Y'all take care now, you hear?

Thank you for trusting me.

I don't trust ya, Doc. I trust me.

What's wrong with Piggy?

She has allergies.

What?

Uh, she's allergic to something
on your ranch. She's fine here.

Then you keep her.

Well, thank you, Tess.
That's, uh... That's mighty nice.

Just payment for the doctorin' and
the loan of the clothes, that's all.

Shh, shh, shh. Easy.

Easy, Piggy.
That ol' thunder can't hurt you.

She can't understand you.

I'm just usin' my voice to...
soothe her.

Thunder scares me.

Always has, always will.
I guess I'm no smarter than Piggy.

There's no sin in bein' afraid.
It is in Texas.

Well, I think the worst is over.

You wanna dance?

What?

Dance.

I don't dance.

No!

What did I do?

It's not what you did.
It's what you're gonna do.

I ain't gonna lose in here
what I won out there.

I didn't think dancing
was part of the contest.

Everything's part of the contest, Doc,

and so far you ain't been able to keep up
with me at anything except posthole diggin'!

And poker.
I figure I'm ahead in poker.

I didn't know Wayne
was gonna do that.

I'm-I'm glad you weren't in on it.

So...
So...

Uh, the way I see it, I bested you
in ropin', wranglin' and drinkin',

and you got a leg up on me...

in poker, posthole diggin'
and dancin'.

Sounds like a tie to me. Contest
wasn't to tie me. It was to beat me.

Well, I still have tomorrow.
Tomorrow's Sunday,

and, unless you intend to out pray me,
you just lost, Doc.

Look, Tess.

Come on.
You owe me a tiebreaker.

Okay. One last test.

Shoot.
You want to marry me, Doc?

Ride Widowmaker.

That's what I thought.

I like you, too, Piggy. Yeah.

Funny thing is...

Till we danced, I didn't realize
how much I liked her.

Tess!

I'm comin', Chance.
The Lord has waited all week for...

Ain't that Doc
and Widowmaker down there?

Al, Widowmaker.

Oh, hello, Widowmaker.

Do you know where she and that
jockstrap breath went over the weekend?

To Vegas. Can you believe it? Our Vegas. Al.

If that Tina came to me on her knees...
on her knees and begged me,

I wouldn't give her the sweat off of my... Al.

Oh, uh, you want me
to control the horse.

Please.

- Hey, Doc, you crazy?
- Ask Tess.

He's gonna get himself killed.
Is this here part of the contest?

This is the contest.

Come on, boys!
He's gonna try her again!

Ohhmmm.

- You ready? Al?
- Ohhmmm.

- Al?
- Yeah, yeah. Get on. Go ahead.

Ohhmmm.

Ohhmmm... What?

No, I'm busy right now.
Ohhmmm.

- No, I can't come to the phone right now.
- Al.

Ohhmmm... Who is it?

Tina? Uh, um...

Uh, just... just stay right there
for a while, uh, Sam.

I'll be right back, huh?
Yeah. Just...

Just...

Yee-aa-aah!

Ride him, Doc!

- Come on.
- Come on, Doc.

Come on, Doc.
Come on, Doc.

Come on, Doc!
Ride him!

- Ride him, Doc!
- Come on, Doc!

- God dang!
- All right. I seen some ridin' out there.

Good ride, Doc.

Good ride. You know, I think
Widowmaker could use a new name.

- Welcome to the family, son.
- Thanks, but no thanks. I just, uh...

I wanted to see if I could ride him,
not her.

Oh, now, now, daughter.

I guess the laugh's on me.
Nobody's laughin', Tess.

They better not.

Go after him.

Chase a man?

A calf has to be roped before you can
put your brand on him. Why not a man?

It'd be humiliating.

Any more than what you've
been doin' to Doc this past week?

Tess, for once in your life, act
like a woman instead of a cowboy.

Hmm?

You gotta trust me, Doc.

I'm doin' what I think is best.

Winning a contest isn't enough.
I mean, she's gotta want...

You always talk to yourself,
Doc?

You always...

come into a man's house
without knocking?

Sorry.

You oughta wear a dress more often.

Kinda hard to work a ranch
wearin' a dress.

- Don't you ever back off?
- Can't afford to.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. You're a Texan, and
Texans gotta be tougher than rawhide.

What do you want, Tess?

Well, I was just wonderin'...

...why you risked your life
for 50,000 acres of prime Texas land...

and then turned it down.

Is that what you think this
is about? Getting Riata?

- Well, it sure as hell ain't about love.
- You speakin' for me or for yourself?

Doc, in all the years
we've known each other,

the only thing we ever talked
about was sick critters.

- Okay, uh, how about those Dodgers?
- What?

Look, Tess, it's hard to talk to you
about anything except Riata.

Especially if, uh...
I mean, if a fella's shy.

You never struck me as bein' shy. Well, I was.

At least I was when
it came to expressing...

my feelings for you.

So, uh,

I wrote 'em all down.

This isn't fair, you know.

You can't expect me to do this
and not get involved.

So if Tess falls in love with Doc,

I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leap me outta here as soon as possible.

Doc.

Can we dance?

Sure.

Doc, Riata's in my blood.
I just can't give her up.

Nobody's askin' you to.

But if I marry you, then all the men'll
look to you after Chance is gone.

Couldn't we run it together?

Together?

Together.

Tess! Tess McGill!

I know you're in there.!

Wayne, what're you doin' here?

I wanna know if you're marryin' Doc.

Well, that's none
of your damn business.

Now, Tess, I figure it is.

I ain't been bustin' my butt for you all
these years to have you go run off with Doc.

You were paid for every day you worked,
and plenty you didn't.

Do you think I worked at Riata for
three squares and 50 bucks a month?

I ain't some bowlegged cowboy
like Eddie or Zeke.

I... I was hopin' some day to rope you.

- You mean Riata.
- You can keep Riata.

I want you.

What?

I love you, Tess.

I have ever since
the first day I rode in.

Just...

Just never had the guts to say so.

But I wrote these letters.

Would you mind
if I danced with Wayne...

just to see how it feels?

Uh...
No. Sure.

Uh...

I don't know how to dance, Tess.

That's okay. I'll lead.

Wayne danced about as well as I did...

with Miss Morgan
at my kindergarten graduation.

She married the principal that summer, and I
didn't get over it until I met Miss Sedlack.

She was my first-grade teacher.

I hoped getting over Tess
wouldn't take as long.

At least you're still my girl.

Oop.

That's it.

- Fickle.
- You're lookin'pretty sharp, Sam.

Oh, hello. I love those silver tips
on your boots. Those are nice.

And, oh, you've got matching ones
on your collar. Ha-ha! "Tr�s" western.

Oh, come on, Sam. Gimme a break.
I knew you could ride that nag.

Nag? You call that half ton of Texas
lightning that tried to castrate me a nag?

Yeah, but he didn't.
You rode him, cowboy!

Oh, gee, shucks, Mr. Dillon.

Sam, if I hadn't taken that phone call,
I would have lost Tina forever.

She's back?
Yeah.

She gave Gooshie a case
of mouthwash and sent him packing.

She only did it
to make me jealous.

And-And she never slept
with that rotten bum.

I believe her.
You believed Ziggy.

Well, technically Ziggy wasn't wrong.

He said he predicted Tess would marry
someone who wrote her love letters.

You're right, Al.
Yeah. Of course.

I can't blame Ziggy.
No.

I mean, you were the one who said
I had to marry her to leap. Me?

Yeah, you.
I don't know that I ever said that.

I do. Well, I, uh... You know,
I never really believed it.

You didn't, huh?
Did you?

Come here. Come here.

What?
Look in here.

Check it out.

Go on.

You had a lot to overcome, Sam.

Hi, Doc.

Could you just once use the door?

Happy?
Thank you.

Best man's lookin'real sharp.
Sharp indeed.

Thanks, son.

Uh, Tess getting married might still
be your ticket out of here.

Ziggy's sayin' there's
a 50-50 chance...

that you'll leap the minute
she says, "I do. " Ziggy.

Uh, you seen Piggy?

She's around here someplace.
You want me to go find her?

No, that's okay. I'll look.

Piggy?

Piggy.

Piggy

Here, Piggy. Souee!

Piggy souee

Piggy. Piggy souee.

Piggy souee, piggy souee

Oh, how my heart yearns for you

Oh, Piggy

My Piggy souee

Well, I love you, gal
and I need you, Piggy, souee

Why don't you go ahead and try it? Buddy.

Yeah, Doc?

Uh, why don't you try "Peggy Sue"?
It might sound a little better.

All right.

Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue

Oh, how my heart yearns for you

Oh, oh, Peggy

My Peggy Sue

Well, I love you, gal
and I need you, Peggy Sue

Oh, I need you, Peggy Sue

With a love that's rare and true

Oh, Peggy, my Peggy Sue

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Well, I love you, gal
and I need you, Peggy Sue

Thanks, Frankie. You was terrific.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

Subtitles: Thor