Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning. WOMAN: Good morning, Adam.

(PANTING)

Oh, God.

Oh, God. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? SARAH: I lost Amber.

What? She fled. She escaped.

She snuck right out the window.

Okay, listen, Sarah, here's what you need to do.

What, are you having a heart attack?

No, I'm exercising.

You're, like, wheezing like an old person. (THUDS)

Careful! You need to find her.

Who? Your daughter.

That's your advice? Thanks, big brother.

(GROANS)

Here I am, moving our entire situation

just so I can make her life better,

and what do I get?

Hey, Drew? Drew? Please turn that thing down!

Hey, how's Drew?

Oh, good! He's good. Yeah?

(SIGHS) I'm doing the right thing, right, Adam? Moving home?

Look, Sarah, you're doing the right thing.

You sure? It's gonna be good, right?

I mean, you said it was gonna be good,

and that's essentially why I'm doing it.

Because you said it was gonna be good.

So if it isn't good, I don't think I'll ever forgive you.

Look, if it's not good, you can blame me, okay?

(ADAM'S PHONE BEEPING)

That's what I'm saying. Look, Sarah, I've gotta go, okay?

I've got another call.

No, no, no, Adam. Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam...

All right? Wait, wait, wait, wait...

Dad? Yeah, you know, my pipes are clogged.

(STAMMERING) Dad, I'm exercising.

Yeah, good. What?

Okay, I need you here right now.

I'm not even getting a belch. (LINE DISCONNECTS)

(SIGHS) I... Oh, God.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Amber!

Amber?

Amber? You need to get in the car with me right now.

Look, Berkeley is a living hell, Mom. I am not moving there.

I am moving in with Damien.

We've decided. Right, Damien?

Uh...

Damien, I need to speak with my daughter.

Could you give us a moment?

Perhaps you could use this time to put on a shirt.

Uh-uh-uh. You stay right there, Damien.

Do not let her scare you.

Her bark is worse than her bite.

(SARAH GRUNTS)

This is so embarrassing. Why are you doing this to me?

You're ruining my life!

I told you we don't have a choice. I'm out of money.

Plus I want you guys to have a chance to be with family,

become decent, upstanding citizens of the world.

Damien!

Call me! Get in the car!

Hey, how's my grandson doing?

Getting ready for his game?

'Cause I'm going to be there with bells on.

(STAMMERING) Actually, Dad, that's the thing is,

I think you might be making Max a little nervous.

What? It's just, you're very...

Very... Very what?

Nothing. I just...

Max is a sensitive kid, that's all.

Well, you were sensitive, too. I cured you.

All right, look, if you're going to come to the game,

I'm going to need you to be calm, all right?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's important that Max feels a calmness.

A calmness?

Yeah?

KRISTINA: Hey, honey, he will not put on his uniform.

The... Look, the game's in an hour, Kristina.

He has to go. I'm the coach.

Okay, I don't know what to tell you,

it's a non-starter. I mean...

Just...

(SIGHS) I'll be right there, okay?

(SIGHS) Thank you. All right, bye.

What, he doesn't want to go?

Yeah, he doesn't want to go.

It's a baseball game, he's gotta go.

Look, he doesn't want to go to the game. He's gonna go.

I'll get him to go. Can I finish this?

Yeah, well, fix that and you get over there and get him to the game.

(EXCLAIMS) Damn. Oh, no!

Hey, what do we got?

Major Lego binge.

All right.

Good luck.

Max. Max.

Listen, Max, you don't have to play baseball, not after this season.

But I want you to give this a chance,

because it meant a lot to me when I was a kid.

So what do you say, will you give it a shot?

All right, listen, after the game,

why don't we go have some ice cream?

Double scoop.

And when I say double scoop, what I really mean is triple scoop.

HADDIE: I just think you should let him stay.

Like, do we even care about baseball?

(SIGHS) Well, your father sure does.

Why?

Well, because men feel the need

to express their love through hitting balls,

slapping butts and discussing meaningless statistics,

and I think your father thinks that if Max doesn't do these things,

he's gonna grow up to be sad and alone.

Well, that's absurd.

(SIGHS)

ADAM: We only have 12 minutes, guys.

Come on, let's go, let's go! Okay, okay.

Honey, how did you make this happen?

Oh, I just told him about the joys of baseball

and how it's something he can do with his father forever.

Oh, a double scoop. Triple.

Great parenting.

Look, once he gets his first hit,

everything is gonna turn around for him.

This is gonna be fun. Okay.

ADAM: (WHOOPS) All right. Let's go.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

CROSBY: Ow! Oh! Oh.

Why are you calling me?

ZEEK: Stay alive there, Max.

Crosby, you're the assistant coach.

It's the third inning, where the hell are you? Dad's out of control.

Bend the knees a little more. Here it comes.

It's not a good time right... I gotta... I gotta...

(CLEARS THROAT) I can't talk right now.

What do you mean you can't talk right now? Are you with someone?

I'm gonna call you back, okay?

Are you back with Katie? Did you have make-up sex?

Oh, come on, that's pathetic.

All right, look, well, just get over here, all right?

We're getting our asses handed to us, okay?

What kind of brother are you?

I'm on my way, okay?

ZEEK: Atta boy!

All right, come on, come on, let's go. Let's go!

ZEEK: Cover second base, Max, you're the cut-off man!

No, I have a deposition.

Yeah, I will find the holes in it. Hey.

Of course fast. Tomorrow morning first thing.

Hon, we're actually in a cell-free zone, so...

Okay. Okay, okay. All right.

Hudgens is freaking out. He thinks that Leon's gonna take him off the Tibli case,

and so... Uh-huh. Can you turn that off?

I'll put it on vibrate.

Hey, don't talk dirty at Fairyland.

Shut up.

It's just that Sydney's been looking forward to this all week.

Okay. Yay! Okay! Hey!

Thank you so much. All right. Thanks for waiting.

Okay, let's take this photo, huh? Here we go.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Um...

One second.

Be strong. I'm sorry.

It'll be so quick.

Come on. You can do it. Oh!

Okay.

BOTH: (LAUGHING) Yeah!

All right. Say cheese! Cheese!

ZEEK: All right, come on, kids, you can do it.

Ball four, take your base. ADAM: Yeah! All right!

All right! All right. Okay, everybody, we are only down by seven!

We can do this. You ready, Max?

Let's go.

This is our date with destiny, come on!

BOY 1: Oh, no! BOY 2: Max is up!

Oh, God, Max is up.

Hey! Not cool.

All right, Max, listen to me, all right?

I know I told you to swing at everything,

but in this situation, you got to know

that a walk is just as good as a hit, okay?

Can't someone else hit?

Please. I suck. I'm going to strike out.

Everyone's going to hate me.

BOY 3: What is he talking about? What's taking so long?

Max, listen to me, Max. Max, listen to me.

All right, now it doesn't matter if you get a hit or not, okay?

It's a game. It's all about having fun.

I'm not having any fun.

UMPIRE: Who's up? Let's go!

All right, well, look, just try your best, pal. Okay?

Give it a wallop, Max! Knock it out of the park!

(ALL CHEERING) Come on, Maxie.

Bend those knees now. Get that bat back. Elbow up. Come on.

Shove it down their throats, Max. Now come on.

Shove it down their throats, Max, and I...

Zeek! Zeek!

What? What? Simmer. Simmer.

UMPIRE: Strike one. Oh, come on!

There's no way the kid's eight. Did you see this pitch?

Yeah, yeah, I saw. CROSBY: What, did they

smuggle him in from the Dominican Republic or something?

I mean, this is not...

Any time you want to shut up would be great.

All right, Max, come on. You gotta... You gotta get up to that plate.

Okay? Cover that plate. You just swing at anything close.

ZEEK: Get hot, Maxie!

Whoo! Oh!

Run! Run, Max, run!

No, the other way, the other way, the other way.

Go, go, go, go, go! Run, run, yeah!

Out! Yes! No!

Oh, geez!

Are you kidding me? He was safe.

Stand back.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What are you doing over here? You can't come back here.

(INDISTINCT)

(BOTH ARGUING)

(MOUTHING)

(POP SONG PLAYING)

CAMILLE: (LAUGHING) Sarah.

Sarah, I've been so excited. This is so cool.

ZEEK: Hey, hey, hey. Amber, honey.

Hey, Drew. Give me a handshake. No, like a man.

Shake it, jeez, Drew. Hey.

ZEEK: He went to the hospital with chest pains.

SARAH: No! ZEEK: Yeah.

SARAH: Wait a minute, you attacked an umpire?

ADAM: I did not attack the umpire.

What did you do?

Well, no, it was a terrible call.

And I am proud of you, Son, for standing up for justice.

Dad, you're actually not helping.

Yeah, but did his neck veins pop?

Oh, man, they looked like garden hoses, they were so bulged out.

Daddy, can you cut my meat?

I got it, sweetie.

No, Daddy does it better.

I'm right here, sweetie.

SYDNEY: I want Daddy.

Fine.

Joel, thank you.

So, Sarah. Mmm-hmm?

What's the plan? The plan?

Are you gonna look for a job or...

(CHUCKLES) Well, no, no, I've been home an hour.

I was asking a question. And I don't have a job yet.

I was just asking a question. SARAH: Okay.

I was just asking a question, right?

I'm Switzerland. Don't look at me. Zeek.

CROSBY: I don't want anything to do with this.

Can we have a little toast?

(GLASS CLINKING)

ZEEK: Excuse me. Excuse me. Old war here.

The Master Toast-Maker has the floor.

To Drew, and Amber

and my shining angel, Sarah.

Welcome home. Thanks, Dad.

ALL: Welcome home! Here, here!

Welcome home!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, Max, come on.

So you're saying you found sperm in her freezer?

Yes. Human sperm?

I guess. I didn't send it to a lab.

(LAUGHS) This is crazy.

What's she gonna do with it?

Gee, Joel, I don't know. I didn't ask her.

This is uncool. Can we just play ping pong

so I can lose myself in sport?

Hey, she slept with you with another man's sperm in her freezer.

It's unconscionable. She has to be confronted.

ZEEK: Hey, get back in. Come on, Max.

So, when is she ovulating?

ZEEK: Let me see you just dribble.

If somebody gets up in your grill,

you gotta shove them back.

You... You gotta get tough, Max.

Kick some ass, baby.

Hey, hey, Dad! What?

Can you just take it down by about half?

Yeah. Okay, are you ready? I guess.

(GRUNTS) Good. Come on.

(SIGHS) So, is Max still wearing the pirate costume to school?

We think he's working through that.

No thanks, I'm cool.

You know, if you wanted to come hang out with me and my friends after school,

I mean, we honestly don't do anything,

but if you wanted to come hang out with us,

you could.

Whew, wow. Okay, wow, really warm invitation. Thank you so much.

Okay.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Sarah. SARAH: What?

You will never guess who I keep running into at Berkeley Coffee downtown.

Who? Jim.

CAMILLE: Jim? Jim Kazinsky.

Ah, Jim Kazinsky.

The Unabomber? I thought he died.

BOTH: No, no, Jim Kazinsky.

Oh, Jim Kazinsky! He was real cute.

I really liked Jim.

Yeah, well, 20 years ago, moving on.

How's he look?

Smoking hot!

Really? Hmm. Yeah.

You should call him. No, no.

I'm setting it up. No, please don't.

You need a date.

Mmm-hmm, you do.

Badly.

ADAM: You're going to be fine now.

Incoming! Bloody nose.

Major flow. Oh, man.

ADAM: It's all right, we're going to get you all fixed up, all right?

Adam, what... What happened?

Elbow to the face.

You elbowed him in the face?

He was in my zone.

Okay, he's eight!

Well, I apologized to him, didn't I, Max? Did I... I apologized.

Mom, can you get some ice?

Where were you?

I was just playing some ping pong with Crosby,

I was trying to get him to mellow...

I don't know what happened.

You got him? Yeah.

ADAM: Dad? Your grandpa's an idiot.

Dad, what are you doing? What?

What are you doing? Oh, Adam.

You know, the boy has some height deficiencies.

We need to make him a ball handler.

Do you... Do you really have to be playing with him that hard?

Hey, you weren't any different.

You had to get over your fears, too.

We're not raising him the way that you raised us, all right?

Oh. Okay, what's that supposed to mean?

It means I don't want him to feel like everything in life is a war.

Oh, Sonny.

It is a war.

(EXHALES)

Good night, you guys. Sleep tight.

Have you been smoking in here?

Ew, can you please not use that thing in front of me? It's gross.

How much longer do we have to share a room?

I don't know, honey. That reminds me, Drew,

if you feel the urge to release the tension, so to speak,

do you think you could do it in the bathroom?

Oh, Amber!

Look, if there's not enough room here, I mean,

maybe I can move back to Fresno.

What? Yeah, I can move in with Dad.

AMBER: Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Maybe you guys could share a drug dealer.

Oh, my God!

He's got an extra bedroom, and we've talked about it.

You have? Kind of, yeah.

I don't know, honey, Dad gets so busy.

And what if he has to go out on tour?

Can we just talk to him about it?

Yeah, sure. Course.

You should not be smoking,

especially not in your grandmother and grandfather's house.

We are guests in this house.

Oh, I thought we lived here.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SINGING)

(CHOIR SINGING)

Hey, how's it going?

Good.

Um...

Is something off in the sopranos?

No.

Yeah, I think there's a little something...

Okay, hey, yeah.

It's called a major seventh chord, and it's fine.

Well, I'm the producer. I'm the one who has to answer to the client.

Why are you so testy?

I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the sperm in your freezer.

Oh. I was wondering if you saw that.

Were you wondering?

'Cause it's this gigantic shiny thermos full of semen.

So, yeah, I found it right next to the coffee.

I do not want to have this conversation again.

I am ready to have a baby and you're not.

You're not mature enough.

Okay, I'm not mature enough?

I'm not the one out scrounging up some guy's sperm.

And I am not scrounging it up.

I bought it. For a lot.

And I have to tell you, actually, it is amazing sperm.

Is it? Yeah.

The donor is an Olympic athlete and a Rhodes scholar.

Great. Then it sounds like this sperm's going to be an excellent father,

so maybe he can coach soccer for you or whatever.

You're an idiot. Yeah. I'm an idiot?

Okay, I don't have a space-age contraption in my...

When are you ovulating?

Friday.

(CHOIR SINGING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Hey, Maximo, save some paper for the rest of us.

Freak.

(YELLING)

Boys! (MAX GRUNTING)

Boys! Max!

Max! Max, stop it! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Calm down. Stop it! Stop it.

Max, calm down.

AMOS: He bit me!

MISS A: Back to work, everyone.

He bit me!

MISS A: Max, what are you doing?

I just can't believe that Max would do that.

He must have been taunted.

And we will deal with Amos as well, but for right now, we want to focus on Max.

I think we're overanalyzing this a little bit.

Maybe if we didn't allow him to wear a pirate costume to school,

he'd fit in a little better. Wait a minute.

We all decided that we would monitor

the pirate situation... No, everyone else decided,

and now he's getting picked on,

which is exactly what I thought would happen.

I think what we're trying to say here is we're not sure

that Sullivan Elementary is the right fit for Max.

I, um... I'm sorry, I don't understand.

I think we should take Max to an educational therapist to have him tested

to see whether or not she thinks Max can be successful here.

Let's just cut to the chase. Are we getting expelled? You giving us the boot?

Adam.

Are we?

That's great. Amber's out with Haddie and her friends.

Ooh, here's a two and one in Emeryville. That looks good.

Emeryville? Over my dead body.

Why don't you put that thing down?

You're staying right here until you get back on your feet.

Mom, I'm on my feet, I'm not destitute.

I've just got a little financial trouble,

and two degenerate kids, but I'll be fine.

I'm just letting you know we're here for you.

Thank you.

But trust me, I think I should cut this out.

You know, in the slim chance that we wear out our welcome.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Who's this?

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Can you believe this?

Adam, hey.

Hey, it's okay, all right?

They weren't officially booked.

So, it's not going to go on their records.

Oh, thank God for that, huh?

Oh, God, Kristina,

I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's okay. It's fine. It's over.

It's over. KRISTINA: It's okay.

Perfect.

I'll make us some coffee.

Mom.

It wasn't my weed.

That's great. What a relief.

I'm so proud of you, honey.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Whoa, date night.

Please, no comments.

Where's he taking you?

Chinese.

Sexy. (SIGHS)

That's enough out of you. Okay? That's enough.

I want you to know you made me mad and you embarrassed me,

and it's going to be a long time before you earn my trust back.

Okay.

Are you sure about the shoes?

Go on. Well,

I mean, it's a date, not a Bar Mitzvah.

I just think you should really go with your strong suit, you know?

What is my strong suit?

Your boots, obviously.

Right.

Also, that bag is... It's very 1960s.

Not in a good way.

Oh, God.

Hi. Hi.

Sarah? Hi. It's me. It's... It's Jim.

Oh, my God.

Hi. Hey.

Oh. Hey. Oh. Ow!

(STAMMERING) Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were going to the right.

Are you okay? Yes, I'm good.

You look great.

Oh, and you...

Wow. (CHUCKLES)

You want to sit down or...

Okay. Yeah.

(BOTH TITTERING)

Gosh. Hey.

So...

(STUTTERS) (SIGHS)

Oh, Julia said that she ran into you at Berkeley Coffee.

Yeah.

Do you live near there? Do you work near there?

Oh, maybe she didn't...

(STAMMERING) I... I work at Berkeley Coffee. I'm a barista.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

She didn't say that.

And so how long have you been in the caffeine game?

Look, it's a long story.

Actually, I used to go in there... I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm just going to cut you off. I have to...

I'm just going to make a quick... Oh, okay.

And then I'm going to be right... That's fine...

I'll get the appetizers started? Okay. Yeah.

Do you like shrimp toast? Any kind of toast.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Well...

Is this who I am to you?

What are you talking about?

I mean, I know I'm not a big lawyer who walks around

on the weekends in a juicy pantsuit,

but does that mean I have to go out with a fat, balding barista?

I'm just wondering, is that who I am to you?

Oh, my God, Sarah...

No. No, no, don't "Oh, God" me, Julia.

I know you're sexier than me. Everybody knows it.

Whoa, whoa, hold on.

I don't understand why you have to always prove that you're better than me.

I am never letting you set me up again. Ever.

Good, because I'm done trying to help you.

Well, you... I don't need your help because I'm not some charity case.

Screw you!

Oh, no, screw you!

I can't talk to you right now. Anyway, I have to go,

because I am on a friggin' date.

(SIGHS)

Is everything okay?

It's great.

Listen, I...

I have something I want to show you.

It's yours. That's the ring I gave you.

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. How do you have it?

Oh, well, I don't know if you remember.

You sort of threw it at me the night you broke up with me.

Oh!

(GASPS) I hit you right in the eye.

Yeah, remember? I said, you should really...

BOTH: Try out for the A's.

Right. (BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, I want you to know I'm not just a barista.

I rebuild trucks from the '30s,

have several ping pong trophies on display

in my otherwise unimpressive apartment,

and if that's not enough, which I'm sure it is,

I just found out The New Yorker is publishing one of my poems.

The real New Yorker? Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

I'm really glad you called.

You know, I've always thought about you, Sarah.

(SNIFFLES)

Are you... Are you all right or...

You just kept this all this time.

It's so nice.

You're so nice and funny.

I married this guy who's, you know,

like a tortured musician, and he has this drug problem.

I was such a jerk.

Just...

I... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm not very good at the...

The dating thing anymore, you know?

And, I mean, let's face it, in my prime, I wasn't...

I wasn't that good at it either.

You're more beautiful than I remember you.

Shut up. You are.

Seriously, please shut up.

Really?

Is your dad home?

Jim. It's okay. What?

We're 38. Oh.

No condoms. I'm sorry.

I have just become so accustomed to the idea of not getting laid.

(EXCITEDLY) Oh! Oh! It's okay.

What? What?

Oopsy!

What? What was that?

I got it. What?

Why does your dad have condoms in his desk drawer?

I don't know. I was looking for scissors the other day and I found them.

Oh, my God. What did you do? (SCREAMS)

I stared at them for two hours and then I went to sleep.

Do you think he's having an affair?

Oh, my God! Stop talking!

Hey.

Just so you know,

he never actually participated in a single Olympic event, so...

What? Your phenomenal sperm.

Stanford Hecht traveled with the bowling team as a third backup.

He never got in a single game. He never rolled a ball.

Just thought you might like to know that before you pull out the turkey baster.

Oh, my God, you Googled my sperm.

Yeah, I Googled your sperm.

I can't believe that you're doing this without even discussing it with me.

Well, what are we supposed to discuss?

Every time the word commitment comes up, you wince.

That's not true. You just winced.

Yeah, oh, prove it. No, prove it. You just winced.

You're an infant. You're panicky.

I am 34. I want a baby.

Oh, okay, so you're just going to inseminate yourself

with the seed of some third-rate hack bowler?

Yeah.

I mean, how about having a conversation or a compromise?

You want half a baby? A bunny? What's a compromise?

No, like, you know, you give me a little time to figure out my career stuff.

I just saw a decade flash before my eyes. I need numbers, babe.

Okay. Five years. Tops.

I'll give you three. Fine!

Okay! Great!

So you're saying that you'll have a baby with me in three years?

Yep.

Oh, my God. I love you.

Okay, oh.

Oh, God, I love you.

I love you, too. I love you.

(SINGING) Twinkle, twinkle, little star

How I wonder...

Mommy... Yeah, baby.

Could Daddy sing?

Of course.

Joel!

There he is. Hey, babe! Yeah.

She wants you to sing to her.

Sweetie, Mommy rushed here to get home to sing you to sleep.

No, it's fine. We got to read the book.

And the book is the best, best, best part.

All right.

All right, you. Let's see which one we haven't sung in a while.

The Monkey Chased the Weasel.

Okay. Let's see...

(SINGING) Round and round the cobbler's bench

The monkey chased the weasel

The monkey thought it was all in fun

(POPS) goes the weasel

SARAH: No pants. Let's make this fast.

JIM: Okay.

I just don't want you to get grounded, okay?

(JIM SCREAMS) Oh, no! Oh, no!

SARAH: Oh, no. Are you okay? Gotta run, gotta run.

JIM: I've got six or seven splinters.

(SARAH LAUGHING)

Okay, okay, be very quiet. Be very quiet.

Why haven't... This is not allowed.

Don't make any noise. Don't make any noise. You're the one screaming.

(SARAH SHUSHING) Shut up!

It's not even funny. Oh, oh, oh, this is awful.

I have cookies. This is so awful.

It's blackberry brandy, and it's delicious.

I'm not going to have a problem with this.

Hi, honey, how was dinner with Uncle Adam?

Oh.

I'm so dead.

CROSBY: Man, I just don't know who you are anymore.

I don't know what to say. I'm devastated.

It's not a big deal.

Mmm. Yeah. It's a big deal.

You're at Oscar's and you ordered a veggie burger.

You know how twisted that is?

Didn't you say there was something you wanted to talk about?

Check that out.

It's from Jasmine, the dancer, from five years ago.

Remember her?

Flexible one.

She was, really.

Mmm-hmm. Flexible.

She contacted me after all this time.

I've had like five emails since we went out.

And I think she's, you know, pursuing me 'cause look, it's, oh,

"What are you doing this weekend?

"Can I stop by?"

Yeah, whoa.

"Stop by." Whoa, that's... Yeah.

Bold, right? Yeah.

So, do you think it's cool if I see her?

Even though I'm quasi-engaged?

You're what? You know...

I'm potentially in negotiations to get engaged to Katie.

But I thought that we agreed that you were going to confront her

about the sperm situation.

Yeah, I did.

And you ended up getting engaged?

(STUTTERS) I didn't get... Listen. All right.

I agreed to have a child with her in three years.

So I think the marriage thing is probably implied, right?

Oh! Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Is this really how you want to live your life?

Okay, look, I'm sorry we can't all be the perfect couple like you and Kristina

and eat veggie burgers and stuff...

You're an idiot.

That's pretty harsh.

Are you gonna eat your fries?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, hey.

Hi. What's going on?

I heard from the educational therapist.

She said that she has some concerns about Max.

Uh-huh.

She feels that Max has some learning differences.

Okay, listen, I've given this some thought. I wanna contact the school,

get Max a tutor to help him through this rough period.

Honey, she wasn't just talking about...

I understand that, but she wasn't just talking about academics.

I get that, but we'll deal with it.

Honey, she thinks that he may have...

She thinks that he may have Asperger's.

Asperger's?

Like autism? Look, Max is not autistic.

It's high-functioning autism.

A lot of people with Asperger's live productive lives.

Max is not autistic. Adam.

Kristina, I've seen autistic kids.

The Lessings' kid, with the hand flapping.

I mean, come on. When she was with him, she saw certain patterns.

He was having a very bad day, okay? I know that he was.

And those tests that she gave him were ridiculous.

Adam. That's not true.

She didn't connect with him at all.

You know how important it is for him to feel safe with someone.

She said if we get him the right tools...

Just what I said, a tutor.

Adam, she wasn't talking about a tutor.

I'm not sending him to special ed.

Honey, there is something wrong with our baby!

It's not just... It's not just the academics, okay?

(STUTTERS) It's not just the biting or the pirate costume.

Or the fear of fire or the tantrums.

It's everything.

Please don't make me be alone with this.

I don't want to. I know. Come here.

All right?

Okay.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Max.

Hey, Max.

You forgot your book bag. Do you want me to hang it up in the hallway for you?

Hey, Max!

Max, that... That kid just said hello to you.

Max, if... If you don't say hello back, he might think that you're being rude.

Okay.

Did you hear him say hello? Uh-huh.

(BELL RINGING)

Max? Max? Max! I love you.

We just need to bring in... It's like the home stretch.

We just need to bring in a couple more cans here...

Oh! Oh, excuse me.

Adam, hey.

Hey, Paul. Great running into you.

Listen, this is a little uncomfortable.

The board of the Little League had a meeting last night.

The consensus was that maybe it might be better if you stepped aside.

Let someone else coach the rest of the season.

Jordan Shefranick's dad's able to step in.

Oh, okay.

(SIGHS)

And, Adam, they also asked me to tell you that you can't be present at future games.

They've had some complaints from some parents.

Apparently, the umpire's filing a lawsuit.

(SNICKERS)

Really sorry, Adam.

It was a bad call.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for that!

I'm sorry, I couldn't get back to the office, so you make the call

and I'll talk to you tomorrow morning. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Okay, bye.

Hey. Hi. You're home early.

No, I had this meeting over at Shattuck, and then Crosby called,

freaking out about some emergency that couldn't wait.

Drew didn't happen to come by, did he?

Here? No. Yeah.

(SIGHS) I got a weird call from the school.

Yeah?

Anyway, I don't know, I'm just trying not to panic.

I'm sure it's nothing, it's just...

CROSBY: Adam, I'm in a real pickle, man.

Katie already tried to move up the date.

You got to get me out of this engagement.

Engagement? Oh, you're judgmental?

You and Katie got engaged?

Whoa, what?

Crosby and Katie got engaged.

Okay, this is about the frozen sperm thing.

I'm sorry, the what?

(STUTTERS) How do you know that?

Is there not any confidential male guy stuff anymore? My husband maybe.

I don't think so.

Hi, crazy-lady- who-yells-at-her-sister- from-a-date.

Fine, I may have overreacted a little bit.

Maybe? What was that about?

Why are you here? Why is everyone here?

Because this is Adam and Crosby time.

I didn't invite them.

Kristina is picking Sydney up from school for us.

Joel has a dental thing and Sydney doesn't like me very much anyway.

Julia, that's not true. She loves you. That's not true.

She openly prefers Joel. And that is fine.

Because I am a good lawyer and he is a good father.

So she will be like a relative of mine.

See, I can manage this. I can lower my expectations.

Hold that thought. Hold that thought.

Wait, so are... Are we saying we lost Drew?

I don't know what happened, okay?

It might have something to do with the fact that he walked in on me and Jim

half naked last night.

(CROSBY LAUGHING) You slept with Jim?

Good for you.

What happened to him being a fat, balding barista?

I warmed to him.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) How many days has she been home?

Get them out of here. JULIA: Well, you're welcome.

Hello? Hi, Seth.

Seth, there's a winner.

No. (WHISPERS) She was screaming at me on the phone.

(SHOUTS) What? He's with you?

What are you talking about? Since when?

Yes, I'm upset. (SIGHS)

Seth, whatever you do, do not let him out of your sight.

Do you hear me? I'm on my way.

I'm getting in the car right now. Goodbye.

He's in mother-frickin' Fresno.

Sarah, Sarah...

Why... Why don't I ride with you?

(SIGHS) Thanks.

I'll do this.

Your mom's here.

Drew, honey. Hey. Hey.

It's just not a really good time right now.

I mean, I got these road dates that might come up and it's...

It's okay. Mmm. You all right?

Is the family good?

Thanks for calling, Seth.

Yeah.

See you soon, champ.

You know, maybe we can take in a game or something.

Yeah.

Drew.

Drew, come on, let's go.

Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Oh, honey.

You

deserve a father.

You deserve a great father.

I shouldn't have married him.

And I'm really sorry.

Oh, look at you. Look at you.

You're almost a man.

When did that happen?

For what it's worth, you have me.

I'm not going anywhere.

And I'm really sorry, but that's going to have to be enough.

Okay? Okay.

CHILDREN: (SINGING) Who can sail without the wind?

Who can row without oars?

Who can leave a friend behind?

Without shedding a tear

I can sail without the wind

I can row without oars

I can never leave a friend

Without shedding a tear

(ALL APPLAUDING)

She was great!

Oh, thanks, Dad!

Where's Max and Adam?

ZEEK: Excuse me.

(CHOIR SINGING)

Adam... Adam, what...

What the hell are you doing out here?

We're fine, just go back in.

You're going to miss the end.

Max, come on. Let's go inside.

(SIGHS) He can't go in.

What? There're candles in the hallway.

He can't walk past them. Oh, hell, that's ridiculous.

I mean, all he's got to do is go by them.

He's gonna be fine. Max, come on, let's go inside!

Dad, it's not that simple.

It is that simple, Adam. I raised four kids.

Dad, there's something wrong with my son.

There's something wrong.

What do you mean?

There's something wrong.

And I'm going to need you to help me.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

Oh, Sonny.

What's up? Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Jasmine. Uh-huh.

(HESITATINGLY) Well, you look great.

Thanks.

(STAMMERING) Do you want to go inside?

Honey, come here.

Oh, who's this?

That's Jabbar.

Oh, hey, buddy. I'm Crosby.

He wanted to meet his dad.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

We have a major situation.

What's going on?

So...

I have a kid. A son, a boy.

His name is Jabbar.

Jabbar? I don't know.

She's apparently a basketball fan or something.

Well, what am I going to say after that, like...

Isn't the game today?

What?

Well, buddy, I thought you were done with baseball.

It's my team.

(STUTTERS)

Game's in 10 minutes, everybody, come on, we got a baseball game to get to.

Okay, baby. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Haddie, can you go grab his uniform, please?

Laundry room, got it.

Grab the...

Oh, my God, I think I'm snack mom today, can you help me with the snacks?

Yeah. We'll make snacks.

Can somebody bring his glove, please?

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CLINKS)