Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

- [Narrator] I mean, how come you haven't found

some kind of a trace of them,

a skeleton from a dead one or fecal matter,

I mean, certainly they've gotta excrete occasionally,

there are theories they may be interdimensional,

maybe that's why we can't find them.

Maybe the Bigfoot is connected to UFOs.

Perhaps they are space aliens.

But it's something to wonder,

But then again, I mean the Bigfoot,

the Apeman, perhaps it is the missing link,

you know, there is proof that in Russia,

I mean, Stalin had scientists attempting

to create an army of superhuman warriors

that were interbred with humans and apes.

Is it possible that they succeed,

perhaps if you bred a Bigfoot with a human,

would that produce the neanderthal?

It's a wonder what they are, but I mean,

people have recorded them for years in all cultures,

we have them in the United States here

as the Sasquatch, or the Bigfoot in the north,

we can go down south into Florida, they have the Skunk Ape,

or the Yowie, are they human,

are they intelligent, can we communicate with them?

As I said--

- (screams) Ow, what the fuck?

- What the fuck are you doing with my ping pong

fucking balls, man, what the fuck?

- What time is it?

- I don't know, daylight, motherfucker.

- What are you doing here, you're supposed to be in class.

- Why, I obviously skipped.

Man, what the fuck are you doing,

seriously, what's going on here, man?

- Yeah, I was practicing a sensory manipulation technique

that I designed with the intent of communicating

with advanced interstellar lifeforms.

(head bangs)

you see, I surmised that any civilization

that's thousands of years more advanced than ours

would've long ago given up any form

of electromagnetic communication.

- (grunts) I'm sorry, sorry I asked, okay?

- Come on, man. - But, bud,

I need you to do me a favor, focus right here, space cadet,

okay, focus, okay, 'cause I got a very, very hot chick

from history class, man, she's coming over later,

and I need you to take this crazy shit down,

because if I explain to her what you just explained to me,

kiss that pussy goodbye, okay,

now, I don't wanna kiss that pussy goodbye,

I wanna kiss that pussy long and hard, okay.

I wanna kiss it hello. - All right, fine,

I gotta go try to talk to Professor McNeil anyway.

- Take your sweet-ass time, honey.

Because (grunts) this one, she's different,

she's special, she's, oh, she's not

like these fucking sluts, man, she's,

it's gonna take like two hours to get her fucking naked.

Yeah, oh. (hums)

- Yeah, Gary, shouldn't you be studying,

I mean, it's finals week.

- Studying, I am studying pussy, okay, pussy.

Pussy, you don't understand it

'cause you don't get it, okay, pussy.

(lighter clicks)

- All right, could you at least put a towel under door?

You know, I don't wanna get expelled

in the last month of school.

- Could you at least take the pussy

outta your voice before you speak to me?

Or I'll fuck you next, okay?

Have a nice day at school, honey.

Bye-bye.

Bitch.

(rock music)

(chest thuds)

- Yo, my bad, toots.

- You fucking kidding me?

- Lighten the fuck up, it was an accident, slut.

(fist thuds)

Oh, you fucking hit me, you think I won't hit a girl?

You wrong, bitch.

(fist thuds)

Forget-- (taser crackles)

(babbles) Bitch.

Bitch, you fucking dyke.

- Keep fucking walking, coward.

(sighs) Fucking wiggers.

- Fucking bald dyke, fucking midget pit bitch.

Fucking bitch.

(thuds) (bench cracks)

Fuck out my way, you fucking chowderhead.

- Sorry, didn't see you there.

(Stan sighs)

- And lastly,

we have the genus Cochliomyia

from the family Calliphoridae,

otherwise known as the blow fly.

Again, from the order Diptera.

Now, the blow fly genus contains four distinct species,

we'll focus on one in particular,

Cochliomyia hominivorax.

Say it with me.

Cochliomyia - Cochliomyia

- hominivorax. - hominivorax.

That's good. (laughs) Very good.

Lots of enthusiasm.

Well, wait till you hear this.

Cochliomyia hominivorax literally translates to man-eating.

- Man-eating, eating man, you see, you see.

- It's a parasitic species, known for eating and infesting

the flesh of living organisms, their larvae causes myiasis.

- Hey. - Or--

- A Cochliomyia hominivorax, all right.

Oh, sorry, sorry, I'll come back later.

- Oh yeah, no, you might as well come on in,

have a seat, I wanna see you anyway.

Where was I?

Okay, let's see.

- Professor, something myiasis.

- Your ass is my asses. (people laughing)

- Right. - Behold.

- Right, okay, thank you.

So, the larvae causes myiasis, or an infestation of maggots

in lesions or wounds around an animal's flesh.

The eggs hatch several hours later

and immediately burrow into the wounds.

Now, unlike most other maggots, the screwworm

will attack and consume healthy, living tissue.

Attempts to eradicate them only aggravates

the situation as the worm simply burrow--

- Wait, wait, I'm sorry. - Yes?

- You're saying these maggots can actually eat people alive?

- That's exactly right.

- How come I've never heard of anything like that?

- That's a very good question.

- One that we shall not answer today.

Times, time's up.

- Yes, now, wait, I have not dismissed this class yet,

you can't be leaving here before I dismiss you.

And if you haven't submitted your final papers to me

by the end of next week, you will not pass this class.

Oh, Jesus.

I gotta get outta here, get a drink.

Glad you're here, Stan.

- [Stan] Really?

- I wanted to talk to you about your thesis proposal.

Or, really, your lack of a thesis proposal.

- I'm sorry, Professor, I just,

I've been really busy, it's--

- Yeah, listen, we both know you're the only student I have

who gives a damn about this material.

I look around during my lecture and see nothing

but vacant, drooling, idiotic faces.

But, hey, I can't pass you if you don't do the work.

Now, what do you got for me?

- Professor, I'm onto something big, groundbreaking.

- No, no, I know where this is going

and I don't wanna hear it.

No, I know you've heard this before, but hear me out.

- Well, this is your last chance, Stan.

You were already expelled once before

for stealing samples from the biology department,

after you were explicitly denied access.

- The department's research on those hair samples

was shoddy at best and criminal at worst,

it was a coverup, Professor.

And I could've proven it

if they'd just let me run a few DNA tests--

- Yeah, and then you were dismissed from cryptozoology

when your cross-fertilization experiment got outta control,

and the west wing of the building

was overrun with millions of flysquitoes.

(shudders) It was terrible.

- That would've worked if they had--

- Yeah. - Okay, that was a bad idea,

but this--

- So. - This is--

- What are you onto this time?

Intercranial bioluminescence, a new weather weapon,

created by DIRPA?

- No, this time it's different, I have solid leads.

- No, no, Stan, what you have are the three minutes

it's gonna take me to get my ass out of this building.

Make the most of it, dammit.

- Okay, last month, upstate in Beaver Kill,

a man digging in his garden dug up an earthworm,

it was nine feet long and weighed 65 pounds.

Then, a bacterial mat grew so thick on the Esopus River

that it formed a dam and flooded a nearby cemetery.

200-year-old skeletons washed up on people's doorsteps,

and you wanna know why?

- (laughs) I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

- Fracking.

- Fracking?

- Right, you've heard about the DODK

fracking operation up there, right?

- I don't know, maybe.

- It's an experimental site.

They're trying a new method to crack the bedrock,

and it involves a newly developed

and highly reactive biochemical called dispersamine.

All the plutons that run off site,

collect downstream and are concentrated in a swamp,

and I think that the wildlife

in that area is being affected, mutated.

- If there's contamination, and if that contamination

leads to mutations, that's two too many ifs.

- No, Professor McNeil, do you have any idea

of the potential hazards of concentrated dispersamine

being released into the water table?

I'm talking tumors, lesions, mutations,

complete reprogramming of genomic sequences,

this stuff is nasty.

- Okay, okay, I got the point.

But I'm not taking the leap to B-movie radiation monsters.

- Professor, I wanna go up there and take some samples

from the area, soil, water, flora, fauna,

see if I can find any evidence of contamination.

My stated purpose will be to find evidence of pollution

and trace it back to GODK.

But, while I'm up there, if I can find evidence

of mutations, well, you can give me extra credit.

- You're not a journalist, Stan.

If you only find contamination with no signs

of mutations, then it's not a science.

And if there's no science, there's no thesis.

- If I find nothing, I'll still have the results

of my study to GODK, it'll be great PR for him.

If I only find contamination,

I'll sell my study to the press.

But if I can find evidence to prove mutations,

then I can really squeeze GODK for millions.

- (laughs) Ever the capitalist, huh.

- Do you have any idea of the debt

I put myself in to come to this school,

I'm fucked, this could be my golden ticket.

- I don't know, Stan, can't you find a surer bet?

Count honey bees, measure

the atmospheric concentrations of CO2.

- No, no, I can't, absolutely not.

- I see great potential in you, Stan.

- Really?

- Yeah, right there.

You're a bright student, no doubt,

but you're a poor scientist.

That said, I'll bite, huh,

you go ahead chasing conspiracy theories,

I'll allow it. - Yes.

- But the consequences are on you,

you come back empty handed, you are done here.

- Thank you, Professor, you will not be sorry.

- Don't thank me yet.

You haven't heard my terms.

I have a few failing students who need the extra credits

to pass and, therefore, graduate.

You'll be taking them with you, as your field assistants.

- Oh, come on, I can't allow multiple claims on my research.

- It's nonnegotiable.

(Stan sighs)

Deal?

- Deal.

Does one of them have a car?

'Cause it's a 150 miles away.

- Yeah, it's funny you should ask.

(hard rock music)

♪ Run for your lives ♪

♪ You're gonna die ♪

♪ The end is here ♪

♪ Living in fear ♪

- Please lower the music.

♪ You're gonna die ♪ - Excuse me,

can you please turn down the music?

- Hell yeah, fucking great music.

- He said lower the music.

- Wait, hold on.

You gotta hear this solo, the best fucking part.

(hard rock guitar solo)

- Stan, where the fuck are we going?

- We're headed up into the mountains

to a small town called Beaver Kill,

it's about 150 miles northwest of the city.

- 150 miles? (groans)

Can we stop for the bathroom?

I gotta go.

- You can go out the poop chute right there,

takes number one and two.

- What if I piss in your face?

- Hell yeah, I'm gonna drink your piss.

(hard rock music)

♪ Watch out, don't turn around ♪

(calm ominous music)

(car horn honks)

(suspenseful music)

- All right, last chance to get

anything you need for the trip.

After this, it's a whole lot of nothing.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on, I'm on level 12.

- [Brent] Feels like level 13 to me.

- Ooh, touche.

(creature munches)

- Hey, what do you say, chief?

Fill her up there, would ya, regular.

- [Man] No problem.

(moaning)

- This is fucking great.

I'm having a great fucking time.

- Shh, don't talk.

(moaning)

Almost.

Almost there.

- [Brent] What the fuck?

- [Amy] What the fuck?

- What the fuck, bro?

- [Man] I'm sorry.

- Some kinda dirty pervert or something?

- I'm sorry, I got the bad brains, man, I'm sorry.

- What the fuck is a bad brain?

- I'm sorry, man, it's my head, I'm sorry.

- The fuck outta here, man. - I'm sorry.

- Beer, beer, beer, beer.

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.

- So, you been to this area before?

- Beer. - Yeah.

Actually, I grew up not too far from here,

in a town called Gayhead.

- Beer. (glass shattering)

- Gayhead?

- Yeah, Gayhead, it's pretty close to Jerome's Neck.

- God, Jerome's Neck?

- I swear, these towns are real.

- Beer. (sniffles) Scooby snacks.

- At least you're not from Coxsackie.

- Speaking of cock sucking, where the fuck is the beer

in this shithole, it's time to thirst my gullet.

Yeah. (mutters excitedly)

- [Brent] Oh shit, here they come.

(Nintendo beeping)

- Dude, what the fuck?

- What?

- You're gonna kill my battery with the Nintendo, man.

- Dude, I'm on level 12.

- Don't use it when the car's not running.

All right, scums, the final stretch.

Let's get the fuck outta here.

- Right on.

(car sputtering)

(suspenseful music)

(ominous music)

(water splashing)

- What the hell is that?

What the fuck?

(thuds)

(screams) - ¡Dios mío!.

- Speak English, asshole. (screams)

(screams)

(car engine revving)

(suspenseful music)

- Dude, you didn't say anything about dirt roads.

It's gonna beat the shit outta my van.

- Look, we just gotta follow this road

all the way up to the top at the end,

we're gonna make our camp, all right?

- Wait, are there gonna be bathrooms?

- Of course not, there's no facilities, there's no people,

we're practically in the middle of the forest.

- Are there gonna be bears?

- Yeah, North American brown bear, ursus arctos.

- [Nintendo] Three dots.

- Does anybody have their period?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.

- Sorry, bud, but bleeding from your asshole doesn't count.

- (laughs mockingly) Good one, fuck you though, fucko.

- Hey, Bobby.

- Murph.

- Go in the compartment right there, please.

- Yo, is this thing is fucking a monster.

- Then why don't you fucking smoke it?

(taser clicks)

- Oh, taser, yeah, spark it up.

Smoke it, yeah, pass the fucking joint,

one hint, and then two, and then you pass.

P-A-S-S, pass the join to here, me,

I have it, the joint, the smoke.

(coughs) - Whoa.

- I got it, I got it.

(coughs) Anybody?

- Nah.

- Pass.

- [Murph] What did you put in this shit, man?

- [Bobby] Uh, it's your weed, hello.

- [Murph] That is truth, you speak of the truth

with your mouth hole, yes, the truth is yes,

and now is yes, and now is yes.

How many hits can you take off a joint,

one hit, (inhales), two (inhales) (coughs).

- [Stan] All right, this is it,

let's unpack the van, get set up.

- God, I gotta pee.

- Over here.

- Nice, what's this for?

- Can't hurt to have a weapon, you know,

it's pretty wild out here.

- [Murph] Fuck yeah.

- May 18th, seven p.m., we unloaded the van,

we're setting up camp, nothing unusual to speak of yet.

(Murph yells) (birds chirping)

The forest is incredibly active,

the veritable cacophony of insect sounds rising

from the trees - Anything I can

help you with?

- Blade, of course. (laughs)

(blade thuds)

Holy shit, did I do that?

- (scoffs) Beginner's luck, let me try.

- Just gonna set up a few traps around the perimeter.

- Traps, for what?

- Whatever crawls in.

I need to collect some local specimens for testing.

I got this.

- Testing for what?

(blade clatters)

(Murph laughs)

(bell clangs)

(bell clanging)

(bell clangs)

- May 18th, 7:07 p.m., trap number three is set,

about half a click from camp, my field assistants

are useless, with the exception of Bobby.

She wanted to talk to me.

Oh, I can't believe I told her I was from Gayhead.

(stone clangs)

- Really?

- [Bobby] Fuck, Murph, can you help me with this?

- Thought you'd never ask. (bottle smashes)

- Yo, Brent, get some fucking firewood.

(mutters mockingly)

These guys are a bunch of fucking turds.

This weekend can suck it.

- Judgmental pricks can suck it.

- You judging my prick?

- You want me to judge your prick?

So, lemme guess, you're in deep with the professor too, huh.

- Oh, yeah, in so deep.

So deep, oh yeah, feels so good.

Pitching his tent, oh.

You're really a fucking loser, huh?

- Barbara, Barbara. (groans)

- Okay, seriously, what is wrong with you?

- Sorry, I have sarcasm Tourette's,

it's completely involuntary.

- So you just spout inane bullshit?

- Something like that.

- It's gonna be a long weekend.

- [Murph] Long and hard.

- Ew, these sticks are all pokey.

- Yeah, babe, they're sticks.

Fucking Murph, go get some firewood, I'm a fucking asshole,

go get some fucking firewood, motherfucker.

- Yeah, he's an asshole.

- [Brent] Shit.

- He's kinda hot.

- Kind of hot, you say?

You know who else is kinda hot?

Bobby, Bobby's kinda hot.

- Yeah, I'd fuck her.

- All right, let's get a hut.

- [Amy] Ew, what is that?

- What you looking at?

- (laughs) Get out of the way.

Looks like a giant used condom.

- Oh, babe.

- [Amy] What do you think of this?

- [Brent] I don't fucking know, oh, come on.

- [Amy] Ugh.

- [Brent] Come on, we have enough firewood,

let's get outta here.

(car sputtering)

We better move it off the road before there's an accident.

- Yeah, let's get it in the back of the truck.

What? Why?

It's 70 pounds of good meat right there.

Oh, come on, it's gonna stink up the whole truck.

- That deer won't stink, it's freshly dead.

Is it diseased? I don't see a wound anywhere.

I mean, these deer

have ticks all-- - Shut up.

Quit being such a pussy, help me get it in the truck.

Come on.

- (mutters) All right.

(suspenseful music)

- We need some fucking tunes in this bitch.

We need some tunes, yes, yeah.

♪ What is a party without the tunes ♪

Sex mix '86.

♪ What is a party without the tunes ♪

(hard rock music)

Yep, titties in my mouth tonight.

- So, what do you got there?

- Topographical map.

Trying to figure out the best route to the swamp,

gotta stop there tomorrow to pick up some samples.

- What's up, scums?

Check this shit out.

- What is that?

- Shrooms, baby.

- I don't think so, bro, I get drug tested.

- What, why?

- Because I'm on the football team.

- For real, what position do you play?

- I'm a placekicker.

- Lemme guess, you're in school on a scholarship.

- Yeah.

- For kicking a ball.

- You find that funny, Murph, that's a joke?

- I think they can't test for shrooms anyway.

- Really?

- [Murph] It's completely undetectable.

- Are you sure?

- [Murph] Positive.

- Fuck yeah, give me some of those bad boys.

(Murph beeps)

- What about you, Amy, you wanna gobble my boomers?

- No thanks, shrooms make me puke.

- Yeah, so what?

- That's all right, besides,

someone's gonna have to babysit.

- Oh.

- Whatever, moving on.

What about you, Booby?

- Hell yeah, give it here.

- Good.

What about you, Mr. Science Guy, you down?

- Don't do drugs.

- Come on, Stan.

- Nope.

- Crack's a drug, heroin's a drug,

psilocybin, awesome fucking fun.

- Come on, Stan, you take a little, okay,

and you just pop it in your mouth, and you just, hell yeah.

- Fine, but I don't wanna hear any excuses,

we gotta get an early start tomorrow.

- Yes, sir.

All right, now we're gonna have some fun.

(group whooing)

(lighter clicks)

- You know, Rick, you really shouldn't smoke those.

- And why is that?

- Well, because of the fire danger.

You know, one little ember on a dry leave

and this whole mountain could go up in flames.

- Is that so?

(Rick chuckles)

- You know, this is my forest,

and I took an oath to protect it,

and if you don't put that cigar out right now,

(coughs) I'm gonna put it out for you.

(Rick chuckles)

- I'd like to see you try.

(yells) Dammit, Ed, that was a $3 cigar.

Good work, now there's a million embers out there, good job.

- Well, do you think we should go back, make sure it's out?

(Rick scoffs)

- New York State officials have once again

shot down legislation aimed at reestablishing

the moratorium on fracking.

Governor Pringle defends the controversial veto

as a large group of protesters

have amassed outside the gates

of the embattled GODK plant in Ulster County.

GODK has been under fire for first nine,

then under reporting--

- Professor, can I ask you a question?

Do I still get extra--

- I have a question for you. - Trace amounts

have been detected - Why are you still here?

- [News Anchor] In the nearby Esopus River.

- You're so fucking obnoxious.

- There is no danger. - You're still wearing

my shirt. (news anchor chuckles)

- Right, no danger, toxic chemicals

in your drinking water, perfectly safe.

- [Woman] Here's your fucking

shirt, asshole. - And all this brings us

to this fascinating bit of breaking news.

GODK subcontractor Donald Spano

was found dead this morning on a dirt road along--

- Quid. - His co-worker,

- Pro. - Hector Gonzalez,

- Quo. - was brought in

for questioning.

Mr. Gonzalez claims his partner

was attacked by a giant mutant fly.

- It's unbelievable. - You've heard that correctly,

folks, giant fracking flies.

- That little shit was right.

- This just in, a government research lab

in the Arizona desert is under quarantine

due to an outbreak of a deadly toxic mold,

claiming the lives of seven research scientists

and four military personnel.

This is breaking news and we'll report back

as more information becomes available.

(keys clatter)

(fire sizzles)

(thuds)

- Ow. (Brent and Amy laugh)

- Barringer has done it again.

Woo-hoo.

(all laugh)

She has got on more rings than fingers.

- Right in my fucking forehead.

(all laugh maniacally)

- [Murph] Bullseye.

- (babbles) put it in your mouth.

(laughing hysterically)

(Murph coughs)

- What the fuck is that?

- Okay, gross,

enough. - Oh God.

- Time for bed.

(babbling incoherently)

- Wow. (babbling)

(all laughing)

Oh, dry-heaving.

It hurts because she's got those big fucking boobies.

- Shh, do you hear that?

- What? - Crickets.

(crickets chirping)

- It's like rave music almost.

It's like (beatboxing).

(beatboxing erratically)

(all laughing) (bell ringing)

- It's dinner time.

- Dude, I'm hearing little cricket bells.

- That's one of my traps.

(all laughing hysterically)

- Traps. - It's one of my traps.

Wait, I got a good one.

Check my trap.

(all laughing) - One of my traps.

- This guy.

One of his fucking traps.

(bell ringing)

(all laughing hysterically)

- I'll be back, I'll be back.

- [Murph] Gotta get to his traps.

Where are you going, man?

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat hip-hop music)

(car clanking)

(siren wailing)

♪ I like putting in my mouth ♪

♪ So what, I am negative conversation ♪

♪ You're lucky if I disperse ♪

♪ The hearse to listen to fricking scale ♪

♪ I'm like a tumor ♪

♪ A Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ It gets brighter if you exit sooner, leave ♪

♪ I could give a, piss about your situation ♪

♪ Always aggravated ♪

♪ It's your life, you made it ♪

♪ Same kids love to hate people making it ♪

(car beeping)

♪ I ain't taking it ♪

♪ Ten bucks, grab it ♪

(car door thuds)

(sighs)

- Gotta be shitting me.

♪ Back in '93 ♪

♪ Survivor ♪

- I need a fucking tire iron, I need it, god damn.

For Christ's sake.

(trunk door thuds)

(creature chirps)

Gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

(creature chirps)

I'm just gonna keep taking this tire off and (grunts).

There's nothing to see here, folks.

(fly squeaks)

Shit! (tire iron thuds)

(fly croaks)

(fly buzzing)

(suspenseful music)

(Professor McNeil groans) (fly chirps)

(fly growls)

I don't fucking (groans).

(flesh squelches)

(groaning)

(fly croaking)

I'm doing it. (screams)

(grunts)

(peaceful music)

(grunts)

(humming)

(Stan inhales)

(creature screeching)

(creature snarling)

(suspenseful music)

- What the hell could've done this?

(bushes rustling)

(all laughing)

- I wonder what he got in the trap.

(creature chirping) - Shh.

What the fuck was that?

- Yo, Stan, that you?

- Fuck, it could be a bear.

- You serious, whatever, I'm gonna get the flashlight.

(grunts)

- Holy shit.

(Professor McNeil babbles) - Professor McNeil?

- Please. - What the fuck?

- I need (groans).

- Oh my god, what are you doing?

Professor McNeil, what are you doing here, oh my god.

(Professor McNeil groaning)

Holy shit.

- Calm down. - He's out of his mind.

(groaning) - Don't touch him.

(water gurgling)

- [Murph] What is he doing?

(Professor McNeil gags)

(students groan)

(snoring) - What?

- What the fuck? - Crazy.

- Oh my, did you see that.

- (snarling) I'm hungry. (wheezing)

- Go in your fucking van, do something, man.

- He's eating our fucking hotdogs.

(creature snarling) - What the fuck

is he doing right now?

- He's eating our hotdogs. - Fucking kidding me?

(squelching)

- (moaning) Brent. (giggling)

(moaning) (squelching)

(creature snarls)

(Amy screams)

- What the fuck is that?

Amy, what the fuck?

Amy!

(suspenseful music)

(Amy crying out in pain) - What the fuck?

- What is that? (Amy screaming)

- It's in my vagina!

- Jesus fucking Christ!

Amy!

(Amy screaming) - Pull it out!

(dramatic music)

(peaceful music)

(slime squelching)

(inhales)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

- [Murph] Oh my god, it's inside her.

(Brent gagging)

- Well, it's whiskey o'clock.

(car thuds)

Dammit, Ed, watch your driving.

- Well, excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt happy hour.

Get.

Well, what do we have there?

(car brakes squeaking)

Looks like a camp fire.

- Yeah, so?

- What do you mean "Yes, so"?

Camp fires aren't allowed in this section of the park.

- I don't care, I just wanna go home.

Get drunk, maybe watch some porn.

- We're going.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No!

- Yeah.

- No!

- Yes!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- You are such a baby.

- You're a baby.

A chubby, little, hairless baby.

- I'm not chubby, I'm husky.

And you're a dirty drunk and pervert.

(car engine revving)

- Yes, I am.

- [Murph] This can't be happening, oh my god, oh my god.

- Jesus Christ. - What happened?

I heard screams. - Oh my God.

- What the, no, no, no.

- Man, what the fuck happened?

- Something just crawled inside of her vagina right now.

A fucking creature, a giant worm or fucking,

I don't know, man, it went right up.

- It's fucking true, we all saw it.

- It's in there right now.

- May 18th, 1:30 a.m.--

- Stop that.

Fuck.

- I got this.

(suspenseful music)

(flesh squelching)

(Murph yells)

(snarling)

- [Murph] What is that fucking thing?

(creature squelching)

- Wait, no, wait. (creature screeching)

- Worm, worm. - We need--

- [Murph] Worm.

- Stop it.

- [Murph] Worm.

(Brent crying)

- Oh, that's great, we needed a live specimen.

- Wait a minute, you knew about this?

- No, I mean, not exactly, I--

(fist thuds) (Stan groans)

(Professor McNeil growling)

Professor?

- It's you.

- Thank god you're here,

you're not gonna believe what I found.

I was right all along.

- You.

(Professor McNeil groaning)

(stomach splats) - Oh, fuck.

(all screaming)

(creatures chirping)

(creature snarling) - Look out, look out

look out. (all screaming)

(dramatic music)

- Get in the van, get in the van, get in the van.

(creature snarling)

(Bobby screams)

- Fuck, what the fuck.

(creature snarling)

- Ah, get the fuck outta here!

(car sputtering) - Fuck.

Fucking battery's dead.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Fucking stereo's been on the whole night.

- [Bobby] No.

- Van is enclosed, we should be safe in here.

- Safe, yeah, that's exactly

how I'd describe my feelings, safe.

(creature snarling)

- Murph. - What the fuck is that thing?

- Fuck.

- Cochliomyia hominivorax.

- What, speak English, you fucking retard.

- It's a maggot, grab that cage out of the back.

- What, just fucking kill it, what the fuck.

- No way, are you kidding me, come on.

- You know what, fuck you.

- Come on, it's gonna get loose, give me that cage.

- [Murph] You fucking idiot, get the cage.

(creature screeching)

- [Bobby] Fuck, it's pissed.

(creature snarling)

(Murph yelling)

- Holy shit, good looking out, bro, that was fucking close,

what the fuck are we gonna do with that thing now?

- Nothing, it's trapped inside the cage,

we need it for evidence.

- What, you saw what these fucking bastards can do,

and you wanna take it along with us?

Are you fucking crazy?

- Yeah, fuck that, I'm with Brent,

first chance we get, that mouthy little sausage

is going right out the fucking window.

All in favor, raise your hands.

- Fuck yeah.

- So, when we get back and we have to explain where Amy is,

what's our story gonna be?

We ate shrooms, stomped her to death.

(cage rattling)

- Okay, Ron Jeremy gets a stay of execution.

- Ron Jeremy?

- Yeah, that's what I'm gonna fucking name him.

- You're fucking crazy.

- The resemblance is uncanny, look at him.

(Ron Jeremy snarling)

Fuck, man, when are these shrooms gonna fucking wear off?

(banging on door)

- Open up, park rangers.

- Dudes, there's giant killer maggots out there,

they ate my girlfriend.

- They're on PCP.

- Where'd you get that gun?

- Outta my pocket, just shut up and follow my lead.

- You in the van, exit the vehicle right now.

Exit the vehicle, all right, come out

or I'm gonna shoot you.

- You know, Ed, something isn't right around here.

Okay, we are New York State park rangers.

- [Ed] Yes, we are.

- And we are ordering you to exit

that vehicle very slowly

with your hands up where we can see them, now.

- Fuck, it's the fucking pigs.

What the fuck are we gonna do now?

- Open the door, we've been saved.

- Do you really wanna go back out there?

- I don't care if I get fucking arrested,

I just wanna get the fuck outta here.

- She's got a good point,

and we can show them Ron Jeremy as proof.

(Ron Jeremy chirps)

- What should we do, they're not coming out.

(door clicks)

- Listen to me, there are giant fucking

man-eating maggots out here, I'm not shitting.

- Stay back, I'm warning you.

- But you don't understand.

- Stay back!

- Murph, listen to him.

- Is that a fucking BB gun?

(gun clicks) (Murph screams)

- Oh, Jesus. - Motherfucker!

- [Rick] What the hell are you doing?

- Shot me in the neck.

- Ed, don't lose your head.

- Shot him in the neck.

- Let's find out what's going on

before we overreact, all right?

Look, look, kids, kids,

listen. - Listen up.

- This is a national park, there's no unauthorized business

late after dark, what the hell are you doing here?

- All right, listen to me, this is gonna be hard to believe,

but I can prove it, I'm a scientist.

High levels of pollution in the area

have caused mutations in the local population

of Cochliomyia, fly larvae, fly larvae.

They're growing huge, dog-size,

and they're aggressive, we have one trapped

in a cage in the van, we could show it to you.

- Hold it right there.

Are you telling us that there are giant maggots

out here that are eating people?

You're on PCP or something.

I suppose you're gonna tell me one's gonna fall

out of a tree and eat my head. (laughs)

(Ed and Rick laughing)

(all laughing)

(slime squelching)

(maggot growls)

(all screaming)

(blood splashes)

(all screaming)

(maggot snarling)

- I'll take it from here.

Ed?

Are you all right?

(maggots chirping)

- Get away from the van!

- Wow, they're getting huge.

(all screaming)

(maggots snarling)

- [Murph] Open the fucking door!

- I'll save you, Bobby!

(dramatic music)

- Kick and goal!

- Brent, get this fucking thing off of me!

- Takedown!

That was for Amy, motherfucker.

That's what you get.

- Brent, look out.

(Brent screaming)

- Holy shit, that's what you get, bastard.

(Brent groaning)

(maggot snarling)

(dramatic music)

(wood thuds) (maggot screeches)

(taser crackling)

(Stan yells)

(maggot squelches)

- Shit.

- Stick around.

Bobby, we gotta get to the jeep,

there's nothing we can do for him, come on.

(foot thuds)

- Let's go, let's go, get in the jeep!

- I don't see Brent, where'd he go?

- Where the fuck is Brent?

(all scream)

- Look out! - Jesus!

(Murph screaming)

- Start her up, let's get outta here.

- Right, dammit, Ed has the keys.

- Oh my god, I feel like I'm in the worst

horror movie ever fucking made.

- I don't see Ed's body anymore,

where'd he go?

- He's probably gone.

They dragged Amy off into the woods and ate her.

They're gonna eat him too.

Right down to the god damned car keys!

- Get a fucking grip!

(fist thuds)

- We're gonna find a way outta here.

- Look, all these maggots seem to be

heading in the same direction.

They're exhibiting herd behavior, migrating somewhere.

I think if we sit tight, they'll move on.

- Move on to where?

- Well, maggots become flies, so they must all be heading

to a nest to undergo metamorphosis,

which would make them vulnerable to attack.

- Attack, you're not seriously suggesting

what I think you are?

- You think these maggots are dangerous?

Just wait till they turn into flies,

spread out looking for food

and a nice, warm place to lay eggs.

- So what, you're suggesting we follow them and kill them?

- I don't see an alternative.

- I do, we camp here till daybreak.

Walk back into town the way we came in.

It's about 12 miles from here,

you're fucking me dead in one night, no problem.

- You'd never make it, Murph.

- And why is that?

- Once these maggots become flies,

they'll spread throughout the forest

and decimate any wildlife in their path.

If their flying speed is scale-to-size,

they're gonna be able to travel 88 miles an hour.

You saw what Jeff Goldberg did to his victims,

he puked acid on people and dissolved them.

- Jeff Goldberg?

- Yeah, Jeff Goldberg, "The Fly",

haven't you seen it, it's spectacular,

the effects are--

- Jeff Goldblum, you too!

- Whatever, I don't wanna become fly food, neither do you,

so we gotta kill these maggots

before they morph into something much worse.

- And how do you propose we kill them all?

There must be hundreds of them out there.

- If we can find their nest,

we'll get them all in one place,

they'll be in cocoons or at least

in the process of making cocoons,

so they'll be immobilized, easy to kill.

- Well, if you're right, that does sound like a solid plan.

- What, you two are fucking crazy.

- This is my forest and I'm sworn to protect it,

and if it's like he says about those flies,

well, I don't even wanna know the rest.

What's your plan, kid?

- We wait for the swarm to pass,

we arm ourselves best we can, and track them to their nest.

- They seem to be gone, I don't see any at the moment.

I say we wait a while, then we make our move.

- Fuck that, I'm with Murph,

and I wanna get the fuck outta here.

- (scoffs) Fine, then run away,

I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't wanna do.

If you're lucky, we'll be successful in destroying 'em,

and a giant fly won't track you down, kill you,

and impregnate your corpse with maggot eggs.

That being said, we could use all the help we can get.

The more of us there are,

the easier it'd be to kill them all.

- Well, that being said, I believe I have one more thing

to add to this that pretty much sums up the whole situation.

(Murph farts)

- Dude, seriously?

(all groan)

It smells like rotting flesh, nasty.

- Yes, it does smell like a rotten corpse, does it not?

- No, that's probably just the deer carcass

in the back of the truck.

- What?

- Deer carcass?

- Deer carcass my ass, this thing is still fucking moving.

(suspenseful music)

(maggots screeching)

- It's in your hair.

- Oh, goddamn it. (maggots screeching)

(all screaming)

- Get it off of me!

Help!

Get it off of me!

(dramatic music)

(Rick shudders)

- I got slimed over, hell.

- Get off of me.

- Stop. - Fucking man-eating worm.

(maggot chirping)

(maggot screaming)

- Burn.

- God damn these motherfuckers.

- Burn!

- Murph, let me see your arm.

- Don't fucking touch me.

Fuck this shit, I'm getting the fuck outta here.

(maggot screeching)

- This is fucking bullshit.

- You know what, whatever, go with him,

he's probably right, this is probably nuts.

Yeah, you're better off with him.

- Just how do we contain this?

I'm gonna recon your van and see

what you got that we can use.

- Murph.

- What, what the fuck, what?

- Don't leave, I don't think we should split up.

- I agree, we shouldn't leave alone,

we should leave together, now, all of us,

you agreed with me five minutes ago, what the fuck happened?

- What if Stan is right,

we gotta do something about this or--

- Or what, the world's not gonna get eaten by maggots,

that's stupid, but you, you might get eaten by maggots

if you stay here with Einstein.

- If I remember correctly,

Einstein saved your ass back in the van.

- Fuck him, fuck this, I'm getting the fuck outta here.

Are you coming or not?

- (groans) No.

- Oh, congratulations, you get to pass science class.

I get to go home and smoke a fat fucking joint,

and forget I met any of you fucking assholes,

especially you, you dumb mouthy bitch.

(taser crackles) (Murph screaming)

What the fuck, you fucking bitch,

I should slap you in your cunt face.

(taser crackles) (Murph screams)

(Murph farts)

Oh fuck, I shit my pants.

I shit my pants. (groans)

- A few machetes, that's it?

- (yells) He is such a fucking asshole!

- Yeah, could've told you that.

Nice work with that maggot, by the way,

you've earned it.

- Fucking dull machete.

- Which way do we go?

- We follow the river down to the swamp.

- The swamp?

- Yeah, I brought some waders,

That has to be ground zero for the mutations.

The stagnant water will concentrate the pollution,

and I bet that's where these things were born.

- Sounds like nerd conjecture to me.

- I've been researching this site for weeks.

The swamp was my destination all along.

- Sun's coming up, we can be there in an hour

if stop lollygagging and get a move on.

(peaceful music)

- Maggot skin.

Typically, maggots will shed two or three times

before their pupa stage.

These ones are growing fast.

My guess is this is their final molting.

- [Bobby] Nasty fucks.

- Look at these slither lines in the mud,

must've been at least a dozen of them moving through here.

They won't be far.

Maggots never stray far

from where they hatched to search for food.

They probably already started the metamorphosis.

If we hurry, we can catch them with their pants down.

- Just how do you know so much about maggots?

- I don't really, common knowledge, you know.

- Uh, no, it's not.

- What can I say, I love science.

- Okay, do we actually have to go into the swamp?

- Look, if we can't find the nest on this side,

we're gonna have to check the other side,

and the only way to do that is to cross, right.

- Yeah, and with my luck, I'd be the first one to get eaten.

- The nest would be in a safe environment,

protected from the weather and elements.

I don't know, I thought we would find something

worth investigating once we got here, but--

- Yeah, thinking of the perfect spot,

there's an abandoned sawmill on the other side

of that swamp, used to make baseball bats,

got shut down for milling toxic wood.

- Why does that not surprise me?

But yeah, that might be just the place to look.

She's right though, we can't cross here,

it's too deep, we might get sucked into a mud hole,

let's follow the water's edge,

look for a better place to cross.

(water splashing)

- [Bobby] So, how many of these maggots

do you think are actually out there?

- It's impossible to say.

Could be just a few left, could be hundreds,

could be just one nest, might be a dozen.

- Wait, so what you're saying is that we might find a nest,

destroy it, and still not be certain we've got the job done?

- That's entirely possible.

Look, I don't have all the answers,

there are a lot of variables here,

I can't possibly know.

But the fact that we haven't been attacked by giant flies

tells me that this is a first-generation of maggots.

Which means we have a chance to stop this right now,

and expose what's happening here.

- And what if you're wrong?

- Did I not already explain this in the jeep?

What part of the world is fucked did you not understand?

(scoffs) No wonder she's failing science.

- You know what, fuck you.

The only reason I'm tagging along,

despite how crazy it sounds, is that I feel better

going after them than I do running away,

so if you want my help, show me some fucking respect.

- Oh, are you mad?

- Yeah, I'm mad.

- Yeah, you wanna hit me?

- I'm fucking getting there!

(maggots screeching)

(dramatic music)

- Looks like the fight is coming to us.

(maggots snarling)

- Shit, what do we do?

- We have to stand our ground here

or we'll make a run for it into the swamp.

- Oh, those are some shit fucking options.

- You two make it to the swamp,

I'll stay here and slow 'em down.

You can't fight them off alone, you'll get killed.

- Everyone dies, some are just better at living.

- Rick, come on.

- Go!

- [Bobby] Come on.

(dramatic music)

(chuckles)

(maggots snarling)

- Here come the bastards.

(Rick yells)

(machete clinks)

(Rick screams)

(flesh squelching)

(water bubbling)

- Go!

Right behind me.

(dramatic music)

(both shuddering)

- Taser.

Suck my dick, all you motherfuckers.

(taser crackling)

(Bobby yelling) (maggot screeching)

- Bobby, are you--

(both yelling)

- Fuck, fuck, that sucked.

(Bobby groaning)

- You all right?

- Fuck off.

Fucking.

- Ricker.

- Ricker?

Ricker?

Rick?

(sniffling)

Oh, this is fucked.

Oh, oh, we're fucked.

We're not gonna make it outta here.

We're gonna get killed by giant fucking maggots.

- Are you seriously crying?

- No, no. (crying)

I didn't want any of this.

I was just trying to pay off my fucking student loans.

- No way, you do not get to quit on me now, you hear me?

Whatever you need to do to get your shit together,

you pack up your balls and come up with a plan.

I just saved our fucking ass.

- We gotta get to the nest.

- Okay.

- We gotta get to the nest.

(suspenseful music)

Okay, Bobby, here's the plan,

if they're already in their cocoons,

it should be easy picking.

But I doubt we'll be so lucky,

there's gonna be of them that are just starting the process.

They could still be dangerous.

Maggots completely liquefy during their transformation.

The cocoons are just sacks of goo

with a primitive brain floating inside.

There's no sign of 'em.

We must've missed it.

Guess we're gonna have to backtrack.

- Hey, another rundown shit-house.

- Let's go see what's behind door number two.

(crickets chirping)

Look, slither lines.

Looks like we've come to the right place.

(Bobby sighs)

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, this is it,

we're gonna storm the nest.

- Pretty much, yeah.

- Okay, gimme a second to pump myself up.

(Bobby grunts)

- We good?

- Yeah, we're good.

(door creaks)

(suspenseful music)

(maggot roars faintly)

- Bioluminescence.

Fascinating.

Bet you've never seen this before.

- [Bobby] That's disgusting.

(maggot snarling)

(Bobby screams)

- Whoa, whoa.

(Bobby screams) Bobby!

(maggot growling)

(flesh squelches) (Stan screams)

(dramatic music)

(maggot screeching)

- [Stan] Get it off me!

Get it off!

(maggot screeching)

- Stan, get the machete!

(bones crack) (Stan screams)

(maggot rumbles) - Meat hook.

(maggot screeching)

(machete clinks)

(maggot squelches)

(Bobby yelling)

- Stop, Bobby.

- [Bobby] I thought they were all

gonna be in cocoon form, science guy.

- So I was wrong. (groans)

(fly splashes)

It doesn't matter, we're gonna finish 'em.

(Bobby groans)

- Fuck it.

(dramatic music)

(machete slices)

(cocoon gurgling)

(dramatic music)

(Bobby screaming)

(groans) Fuck.

(brain splashes)

(brain squeaking)

(brain squelching)

(Bobby grunting)

- (yelling) What the fuck?

(fly chirping)

(flies buzzing)

(fly screeching)

(Bobby screaming)

- Bobby!

(both screaming)

(metal clanks)

- Yeah.

(electricity whirring)

Yeah! (laughing hysterically)

(Bobby yells)

(fly squelches)

(Stan groaning)

(both panting)

- Is it over?

- Well, I smashed the shit out of them.

- Wait, wait, did you save any viable specimens?

This place is a scientific goldmine.

- You are so fucked in the head,

do me a favor and shut the fuck up!

- Right.

(door creaks)

(fly buzzing)

- (grunts) Motherfucker!

(Bobby yells)

(fly squeaks)

(fly thuds)

Yes! (grunts)

- That was unbelievable.

- Yeah.

(Stan groans)

(fly cracking)

- Whoa, amazing.

- Fuck yeah.

- Look at this exoskeleton, it's only halfway formed,

it appears this fly sensed the danger coming

and prematurely birthed itself.

Fascinating.

Whatever! Did you see what I just did there?

I just speared that motherfucker

right out of the sky, boom, yeah!

(Stan groans)

- God, ah, nice shot.

Oh no, oh, oh no.

- What, Stan, what the fuck?

Talk to me, Stan.

- Ron Jeremy.

- Fuck!

(glass shattering)

(fly chirping)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(butt squelching)

(dramatic music)

- Fucking dumb bitch.

Cock tease, teasing my cock. (grunts)

One foot in front of the other,

that's how you do it, mm-hmm, you see, mm-hmm.

(dramatic music)

Psst, shh.

Shut up.

Hey, keep walking.

What are you, stupid, yes, you are stupid.

(dramatic music)

(fly buzzing) What?

What the-- (fly buzzing)

(dramatic music)

Fuck.

(dramatic music)

(fly squeaking)

(gurgling)

(gagging)

(fly buzzing)

(Murph screaming)

(dramatic music)

(babbles), (farts) Yeah, fuck that.

(rock music)

(babbling)

(beeping)

(babbling) (laughing)

(hard rock music)

♪ And everything that seemed like ♪

- Go flesh-eating maggots, take seven of "Maggot".

- With all thee moths, it's gonna be

like "Silence of the Lambs" (laughs).

(Rick sputtering)

- [Bobby] Rick, we're sorry.

(beatboxing)

- What are you doing, why you saying this shit,

what's wrong with you, stupid?

It's stupid, it's stupid, you see it?

Yeah.

♪ If it's science-fiction or a matter of fact ♪