Original subtitles

CTB Film Company

Channel One Russia

Yugra-Film Film Company

PKTK Ritm

Sberbank

With the support of the Ministry of Culture of the Russian Federation

With the support of the government of the Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Area (Yugra)

and the Domestic Cinema Support Fund

In cooperation with OTRK Yugra and Solivs Film Company

present

a film by Georgi Daneliya

Koo! Kin-Dza-Dza

Koo, koo, koo

Kew!

Mama, mama, what are we to do

when the cold season comes?

You don't have a warm scarf...

Savages

Mr. Chizhov, it's your phone

Hello?

No, this isn't Frosya

People!

Tell me the number of your planet in the Tentura

People!

I mixed up my contacts. What number do I dial to teleport home?

I'll sign everything

Could you just do one small favor for me, Lucy?

When you took your things, you accidentally took my blue slippers too

Could you bring them back? I'm quite attached to them. Goodbye

Fyodor, could you pass me my instrument please?

I'll walk

Mama, mama, what are we to do

when the cold season comes?

Hello?

Yes, Frosya

I have your phone

I took it by mistake

Goose? You said it would be duck

All right, goose it is then. Set the table

No, no, it won't get cold. I'll be there in a minute

Hello, Mr. Chizhov!

Idiot

Did I scare you? I thought you'd like it

I'm Tolik, Yelena's son

Who's Yelena?

Yelena Tsarapkin, your cousin

I came here to study to be a DJ, but there was no room at the dorm

- Can I stay with you for now? - No, you can't

Hello?

No, this isn't Frosya

- You dropped some candy - Keep it

Uncle Vova, here's the thing. I was robbed on the train

Could you lend me 1,500 roubles?

I'll pay you back as soon as mom wires me some money

- I don't carry cash on me. Good night - How about 300, then?

Listen, young man...

People!

People, tell me your planet's number in the Tentura

Junkie

Or at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral

Your feet will freeze off. Go down into the subway

No time for the subway. Please help me

Here's my teleporter. I mixed up my contacts

What number do I dial to teleport back home?

Dial 911, they'll help

No, I can't! 911 is Pluke! There are Chatlanians there!

Sure you can. Hold this

- Yes, hello? - Where's the "9" here?

No, this isn't...

...Frosya

Woah!

Listen, I've had enough of this

I'll be damned!

- We're on Pluke, Uncle Vova! - Where?

That fellow with the daisies said that 911 was Pluke

I dialed the number, and here we are on Pluke

Hold on

Tell your barefoot hypnotist that these tricks won't work on me!

Uncle Vova, wait! Something's coming!

A robot

A humanoid

Another trick?

Let me take a photo, Uncle Vova, or no one will believe us

Say "cheese"!

That's enough!

Good day, friends. We are aliens from the planet Earth

- We are... - Kew

- Koo - Koo

Hello

Chem'?

He wants money

I don't have that kind

Here, I have roubles, dollars...

I'll pay you. Just take us out of here

Kew!

Koo??

He wants your hat

My hat?

Here

And your coat

Now he wants your fiddle

I can't give you this, it's a musical instrument

Now he wants your hat

Dream on!

Hey you, wise guy!

Let it go

There's nothing in there

Open it

Here, see for yourself

It's a laser pointer

That's shampoo. Soap for the head

Like it, huh? How about a swap?

I'll give you the hat and the drink for that gizmo on his neck. And two chatles

Could you give us a lift? See, it's quite odd, actually

We met this strange man, and the kid pressed a button

What's taking you so long? Hurry up!

Hey! Come back, you jerk! Give it back!

Forget it!

Let him have it!

I'll remember this! I'll get you later, you half-witted cyborg!

- It's just shampoo - I paid cash for that shampoo, maestro

Cash that certain people say they don't carry around

I don't, for people like you

They're coming back

- Young man, what's your name again? - I told you - Tolik

Tolik, give them whatever they want, or we're going to die here. Understand?

So how come you didn't give them your fiddle?

Ketse!

They want a match

This?

Another one? Be my guest

Want the match?

First take us out of here, then we'll give you the "koo"

"Kew" what? Here it is! Kew yourself

Here! Found it

Why do you want it?

It'll come in handy

Hello, fellow earthlings. DJ Tolik Tsarapkin here

If I had video cameras built into my eyes

you'd see that sitting across from me are two shameless, shabby-looking...

Stop it

- Just look at these weirdos - Look, do me a favor. Be quiet

I've got a splitting headache

Ketse

Indeed, Uncle Vova

Ziegenbogen will be wearing your slippers now

They speak Russian!

House slippers

You speak Russian?

We're trying. You were thinking about slippers

I just repeated what you thought

- Why were you pretending...? - Why yap for no reason?

How many matches will we get if we take you to Earth?

- How many do you need? - Two full boxes like that one

- Six - What? I'll give you three, and that's it

Five

Four, and the gizmo

ls this your last word?

The lastest!

Mama, mama, what am I to do?

Mama, mama, how am I going to live?

Here

Stop it! I'm begging you!

- What does this switch do? - Don't touch it!

Flip the tsapa back! Flip it back now!

OK! Darn it, I can't see a thing!

Give it to me. Give it back to me, buddy!

- No way! - Switch the tsapa off, you jerk!

- Give it back! We're going to crash! - Four chatles or I'm keeping it

- It costs less than half a chatl - Three, and that's final

- Your last word? - The lastest

Here! Count it!

You took a bite out of one. Give me a new one

Dream on

Uncle Vova, come over here

Look here. This is the Kin-Dza-Dza Galaxy

This is planet Pluke, we're here

Where is your planet? Show me

Let me have a look. Right...

- Where's the Moon here? - Don't even bother trying

For half a chatl any planetarium in the Center will give us the number of your planet

Buckle up, we're landing

- Where's he going? - Shh, be quiet

- Why? - Just because

- They're buying stolen property there? - Shut up. They can hear everything

I don't care what they can hear

They have a gravitsapa. Give me the matchbox, I'll buy one

Hold your horses, wise guy! First tell us what this gravitsapa is for

Without a gravitsapa, buddy, our pepelats can only fly above the surface

Now, with a gravitsapa, we'll get to any planet in five minutes

Give me the matches, Uncle Vova

Don't! They're swindlers

It's just nerves

It's stuffy in here

Tolik, son, would you turn the AC on please?

See, I'm... Can you climb up there?

Where's the switch here?

Ah, that's better. Nice and quiet

Hand over the matches, Uncle Vova

Open it up! Right this second!

Uncle Vova, buddy, don't worry about it

He's doing fine. He's taking a break

Thinking about the goose

OK. Hear for yourself, if you don't believe me

Tolik, can you hear me?

You freaks! If you don't let me out right now...

See? He's alert, and full of vigor and determination

They won't let us in. They'll only let you in

Don't think about your matches. Just show them the ketse in my box

Get going. The sooner you buy it, the sooner you'll get home

Go

Uncle Vova, hold on a second!

Put this on your nose, buddy

Thank you, but it's not really my style

Who do you think you are?

I am a musician

No. You're a Patsak

He's also a Patsak. Him, too. And Traz is a Chatlanian

So put the tsak on. Got it?

- Not really - Look at me with this visualizer, buddy

Which dot lights up? The green one

Now let's try it on you. Also green

That's because we're Patsaks

Now look at Wef. Which dot do you see now? The orange one

That's because Mr. Wef is a Chatlanian

- Now do you understand? - What?

Without a tsak any ecilop will tranklucate you

Pluke is a Chatlanian planet, buddy

That's why we Patsaks must wear tsaks and do the "koo" before Chatlanians

Like this. Get it?

Would you do that one more time, slowly?

Like this

Uncle Vova, you've got concerts scheduled

your wife left you for Ziegenbogen, and you're...

Don't make it harder for yourself, buddy

Uncle Vova! Leave the fiddle here

It's a cello! A CELLO!

And stop calling me Uncle Vova!

My name is Vladimir!

Vladimir Chizhov!

Got it?

No problem, Uncle Vova

Hi

Well, what do I think about you,huh?

Go on, read my mind

This way, Patsak

Come, come, fiddler

Good day

Give us your ketse, and you'll get a gravitsapa

Here you go

- Got to check it - Please do

Koo, Uncle Vova

Go ahead, take a seat

Sit there, Patsak

This place is for VIP clients only

Tell Mr. Traz that I'm no regular Joe, either

I'm a famous musician, and a distinguished professor...

He says we don't care

A VIP client is one with at least two ketses

At least two ketses

Tell him I have more than two

You keep ketses in that box?

Yes, I keep ketses in it

Ketses must be kept in a ketse-box

Without a ketse-box the ketse loses its zura

Now I've got to run the check all over again!

I do apologize if this is a personal question

Ziegenbogen, is he a banker?

- That's irrelevant to the matter at hand. - Of course, if you say so

- Here's a small gift from our company - Thank you

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Gentlemen! Something's wrong here. Come and see!

Here's the Sun

Here's the Moon. Here's Moscow

Here's the train station. We fly along the tracks down to Tula...

Get down!

They'll be at it for a while

- What's going on? - Bee said we should go to the Center

but Wef brought us here

because here it's "two chatles cheaper"

- What about Uncle Vova? - Uncle Vova gave them all the matches

Where is he? Did they take him with them?

Nah, he's over there

You're going to dig like that until your last breath

- Only I can dig him up. - Well, dig him up, then!

Why should I? He doesn't have any more matches

He has one

He's hiding it in his shoe

Guys, I just remembered. It's not in his shoe

He keeps it in a secret pocket in his underpants

Pull him out

Uncle Vova!

Is he dead?

Not necessarily. Take it easy, Patsak. Let's find out

Still alive

- Take off your pants, buddy - What?

Drop your drawers, professor!

Defend yourselves!

But I'm warning you: I used to be a boxer

Easy there!

I was joking. I've got the match. Here

Will this desert ever end?

No

What about trees or seas?

Trees and seas were all turned into lutz ages ago, buddy

You mean ketse?

Fuel, you fool. Fuel!

What's ketse, then? A drug?

No

Ketse is ketse

Oh, Lord...

Koo. One, two, three...

TOLIK

- Here. Eat - What is it?

Plastic porridge

And for Uncle Vova?

Later

Look, Patsak, I like you, so I'll explain

If you have a few ketses, you can wear yellow pants

and a Patsak has to squat before you not once, but twice

And do the "koo"

If you have many ketses, son

you can wear crimson pants

And then both a Patsak and a Chatlanian have to do the "koo" before you

And an ecilop has no right to beat you up at night

Ever

Tolik, give the match to me

I'll give you a pair of crimson pants at the Center

I'm nobody

It's Uncle Vova who deserves crimson pants

He's the coolest

- The fiddler's gone, buddy - What do you mean?

I pressed the kapa and he flew away

Say that again?

We don't need the fiddler, buddy. He was just a waste of fuel

Uncle Vova?

Uncle Vova?

Turn back

Don't worry, we have an extra escape pod

Brand new

Turn back or I'll burn this!

Stop!

Stop!

Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Good day, I'm...

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot

You see, I had an accident...

I wanted to take a shower and the cabin just fell off

Could you give me a lift to the Center...?

This is a cello. A musical instrument

I know them! They're coming for me!

I'm over here! Over here!

"Koo" what? Stop kooing me!

Stay here and keep out of sight. And don't think about the match!

Where's Tolik?

Right here, Uncle Vova

Tolik, come out. That jerk saw you

Koo, officer ecilop

Give the match to the creep

- What match? - Give it to him

Officer ecilop, they're hallucinating after the shampoo

They drank all of my shampoo

I thought I'd wash my hair after I teleported

I don't have any matches

He can't hear you, buddy. He's deaf

Shame on you! How dare you lie to an ecilop?

Give me your foot, you swindler!

What are you doing, moron?

Be quiet now, thinker

Bye Patsaks!

Why were you thinking about the match?

Imbecile!

Why were you thinking about the match, you cretin, you idiot?

Patsakian dimwit!

Tolik, help me out over here!

What a tragedy! What a tragedy!

I only thought about the match because you told me not to

I was going to think about the goose

There's still hope, gentlemen

We'll go see your government

I'll tell them who I am, put on a free performance for them

We'll establish cultural and economic ties

We'll trade you ketses for pepelatses and yellow pants

To get to the government, you need to have a gravitsapa

The government lives on another planet, buddy

They have butterflies there, too

Tolik, get him!

What are you doing! Drop it!

Stop, you jerk!

So long, DJ!

Never before...

Never before in all the Galaxy...

...has there been such a despicable Patsak as you!

Tolik Tsarapkin

The woods are so beautiful in winter

Fir trees put on their fur hats

Birds sing

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Mama, mama, what am I to do?

Hello?

Hello? This is Tolik

Yelena Tsarapkin's son

All right, let's have goose...

Give me that! Hello?

Speak up!

Uncle Vova...

I was just kidding

Tolik, please address me by my full name

It would be more polite

Why? I'm your nephew

Because I don't have a cousin named Yelena Tsarapkin

That's why

No cousin? Fine

Hello, earthlings. DJ Tolik Tsarapkin here

Tolik! A tornado! Get down!

AN ABRIDGED CHATLANIAN-PATSAK DICTIONARY

PEPELATS - a spaceship GRAVITSAPA - an anti-gravity kapa

ECILOP - a policeman TSAK - a nose bell

ETSIKH - prison KETSE - a match

KEW - a socially acceptable obscenity KOO - all other words

Bless you!

Hey! Wait up!

No come closer! What you want?

We are Patsaks from the planet Earth

- Can you take us to the Center? - Three chatles please

We don't have any money. But we'll work for it

What do you can?

- Anything - Be you specific

Specific? Vladimir here is specifically a famous fiddler

Him Play

- Here? - There!

I'm very sorry, but I can't!

To play this instrument I need to be sitting down

Thank you, goodbye

Wait!

- Here, sit on me - This is ridiculous

If they leave, we're dead

Play already!

No play like that! We puke

Thank you, goodbye

Hold it! i'll play

Hand it over

You play or we leave

Here. Be careful with it

Don't touch it! It's tuned

I'm tuning it guitar-like

We not want guitar. We want fiddle. You play with stick

And sit

To play this instrument you need to be sitting down

Vladimir

Look, you sat on me

You play or we leave

Wait. We turn volume up. Koo

And Sing!

One, two, three

Mama, mama, what are we to do?

This we like a lot

This we no puke

OK, grandma, you go: oompa, oompa, oomph

You, pops, you only go: dun. Bring it on!

Stop. Faster please

Why he no sing?

He'll go "oooh" in between

Spare me please

And porridge eat you want?

"Do you want to eat?" Mind your grammar please

We talk, you mind grammar. Then you be of any use

Do "koo" now, or the ecilop tranklucate us!

A hologram?

That's Pezhe

Who's Pezhe?

He great!

I so love Pezhe!

Me too

We praise skies all the time that he let us on Pluke

- Was it even worse on your planet? - Air

No air?

Air yes, but not everyone breathe

What do you mean?

If you have money you breathe

- And if you have no money? - Then you blow up your balloon

Quick! Get in cage. Patsaks must sing in cage

A nightingale doesn't sing in a cage, grandma

Let's get in, if that's the rule

One, two, three...

You, nightingale, do it the right way: sit on the fiddler

- How do you know what's the right way? - I thought it look nice

Some aesthete...

One, two, three...

Hey, Patsak! Stop making faces at me!

Don't you like Chatlanians?

Smile, smile yourself! Stretch lips to ears

Like this

Are you baring your teeth at me?

A Patsak's smile must be joyful and sincere

Listen here, pops. Either you shut up and we play, or goodbye!

Our goose is getting cold

What?

A misfire

Hold on. You just wait!

Must leave now

Here hill. Need to push cart

One, two, and push!

Goodbye Patsaks!

You think you can run away from me?

Nightingales!

Let's get out of here

Switch off your phone

Wait a second

Hello?

Frosya, could you give me some garlic?

This is Vladimir Chizhov. Could you do me a favor?

Ask Frosya to call Fima in London and tell him to call Parmakov...

Don't worry, daddy

Daddy!

Daddy!

Look what that clown Pezhe has done to the planet!

Patsaks are flashing their butts at us in broad daylight!

Daddy, don't look at all this!

Earth is somewhere out there

How long have we been stuck here on this Pluke?

Forty-seven hours and twenty minutes

I have a rehearsal in London in 4 hours

Uncle Vova...

ls it hard to get into show business?

I don't know

How did you get into it?

Paid half a ketse for it

You poor thing

Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you anymore

Good evening

ls this for me?

Thank you very much

Do you want me to play?

Well, you scared off the only music connoisseur on this planet

FITYULKA

Tolik, have you seen my wallet by any chance?

No. Did you lose it?

Must have fallen out

No, it couldn't have fallen out

The pocket was zipped up

Are you saying I took it?

Here. See for yourself!

Hi there

- Where's your flying pigpen? - Over there. We ran out of lutz

It's all your fault, jerk

Think that I'm holding a tranklucator

Hey! Turn around

Uncle Tolik, don't kill me! We're both Patsaks

We're brothers! He's a Chatlanian

Kill him instead. He made me do it! Uncle Tolik...

Don't listen to him, Uncle Tolik! I love you like a son

I swear by my lifeblood!

Lies! He's lying, Uncle Tolik!

He said, "To hell with them. To hell with them"

You can step on my face if you want to, buddy

That can wait

Now, raise the cage and step aside

After you, Vladimir

Well, you can sit on me, if you want to

I'll teach you how to play. It's simple: you grab the stick with your hand...

No, thank you. I'd rather be a chair

Mama, mama, what are we to do

when the freezing season comes?

You don't have a warm scarf

I don't have a warm coat

Uncle Tolik, keep going, buddy!

They like it

- They get it - An ecilop!

Well, humanoids, is there enough for a gravitsapa?

No, buddy, you need a lot more than that

Vladimir, keep your eyes on them. There are 13 chatles there

Pick about 300 of these things. Then, in the next show, when I come onstage...

What are you doing, buddy?

That's a last breath. A grave

Does no one sing in cages on Earth?

Mr. Wef, on Earth only animals are kept in cages

- Are animals Patsaks? - More like Chatlanians

So you have the same flagrant racism as here, on Pluke

Only on Earth it was the Patsaks who took power, not the Chatlanians

Together with Uncle Tolik's friend, a nightingale

Well, Vladimir?

Hey, Patsak!

This is where you go "koo"

I didn't hear it

Well, don't stick fingers in your ears

I can't bear listening to this

Then just watch

When I raise one finger, you sing "koo"

Two fingers, "ee". Got it?

Go!

Mama, mama, what are we to do

when the cold season comes?

I don't have a warm scarf

You don't have a warm coat

Vladimir?

He's just dumb!

I am among the five best musicians in the world!

Do you expect me to go "cuckoo" with you here?

Enough!

Uncle Tolik, don't fret. He's just jealous

Never before in all the Galaxy has there been such a talentless Patsak as him

Says he's among the top five musicians on the planet

when he can't even memorize two notes

Jerk

I have a business proposal. You and I lose them in the Center

We buy a gravitsapa and fly to Earth

We split the matches evenly: 2 boxes for you, 3 for me. Deal?

- How are we going to buy the gravitsapa? - No problem

Here

Gentlemen virtuosos of Planet Pluke

Come here for a moment. Mr. Abradox has a surprise for you

Ketse!

Woah! What's that? A zeppelin?

It's the last breath of Pezhe

ls he dead?

What are you saying, buddy? Pezhe is very much alive

Who is this Pezhe anyway? Your president?

Pezhe is Pezhe, buddy

I love Pezhe very much

Couldn't we have landed a little closer?

Then we'd have to pay for a landing ticket

Piece of cake, Vladimir. Come on over

I don't think I can, Tolik. I am acrophobic

- You're what? - Acrophobic. It's a condition

The fear of heights

All right. Wait there, then

Let's go

- Uncle Tolik, put on a tsak, buddy - I will, later

Hey! Want some cosmic dust?

- Does the fiddler have any chatles? - No

It's fresh. Yesterday's

Tell him to bury himself in the sand if he sees an ecilop

Guys, let's carry him over

No need to carry him

I can bring him over on my tsurlap for one chatl

Deal

Get on. Acrophobes...

- Are we going around it? - Get on already

Just try not to breathe on my neck

And don't touch me

I hate acrophobes

You're the cause of all this mess

- Hey! Where are you going? - Get your hands off of me!

- Hold on, Uncle Vova! - Don't! The plank will snap!

Abradox will save them!

He won't pay. Let's go

- What about Uncle Vova? - What about him?

- You said he didn't have money. Let's go - I'll pay. Save them

Two chatles. There are two of them

Here's one. Here's two

Add one more. For the ecilop

Hey you, stop!

Listen you, acrophobe

I'm not paying. It's all your fault that we're hanging here

Quit mooing and pay up!

Acrophobes. I'd strangle you all

I don't have any money. None

Now I understand why Lucy left you for Ziegenbogen

Oh yeah? Why?

Because you're a miser and a coward

- Who, me? - Who else?

Watch my hand, hero

By the shores of Gitche Gumee

By the shining Big-Sea-Water

That's one!

Stood the wigwam of Nokomis

Daughter of the Moon, Nokomis

Rose the black and gloomy pine-trees

That's two!

- Hey! Stop joking around - Be quiet

Dark behind it rose the forest

Rose the firs with cones upon them

Bright before it beat the water

Beat the clear and sunny water

- That's three! - Enough! I'll pay!

Don't interrupt me!

There the wrinkled old Nokomis

Nursed the little Hiawatha

Rocked him in his linden cradle

Rocked him in his...

Rocked him in his linden cradle

Stop. you scum!

Bedded soft in moss and rushes

Hey you, humanoids!

If you don't pull him up now, I'll sell you to Moscow Zoo

For three chatles apiece

Chatl

Patsaks in the back

Man, that's totally unreal! I can't even see the bottom

There is no bottom, buddy. It's the edge of the planet

ls it flat, lying on the backs of three elephants?

Oh, no. When they were testing the gigatsapa

they forgot to put the purz into the ketse-box

So a piece broke off

Completely

They're pumping up the last breath, huh?

Patsak, I love Pezhe very much! Get it?

- Me too - And me!

And I koo him even more

Hey, Patsak! Want to buy a gravitsapa?

A dual-zur model with a magnetic kapa. Look

Does it work?

What do you take me for? Like clockwork

Listen for yourself

So you'll buy it?

Guys, there's a man selling a gravitsapa there. Do we want it?

Later. First we need the address

Yellow pants! "Koo" twice!

- Want some mirages? - What mirages?

Good mirages

Tsarapkin, is that you?

Lizyakina

Tolik, you're like, woah!

You should have called and said you were going to Pluke

Your mom is totally freaking out

I tried. Couldn't get the signal

Uncle Vova, this is Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade

Hello

Hi. I saw you on TV

Tolik, are there any clubs around here?

I don't know, I haven't checked yet

Cool. Do you want me to kiss you?

Sure

Pay up. Two chatles

- For what? - For the mirage

Want to see more?

Don't buy it, Tolik. That's a pirated mirage

Let's go. I have a legal copy

The adult version

Think the diameter of your planet's orbit

- The diameter of the orbit? - Yes, the diameter. Are you deaf?

- 2 x pi x radius, Uncle Vova. - Two pi R? No, that's something else

- Give her one of your hairs - Why?

She'll extract the coordinates from your DNA, buddy

It's dyed

It's not dye. It's conditioner

Doesn't matter. The structure is damaged

Pull one out from your nose. There's one sticking out

Shut up

Do you use conditioner on your nose hair too, Hiawatha?

You give me one

No problem

Shampoo?

Yup, the real thing. From Vietnam. Mom bought it in town

This will do

This will take a minute. You can call Earth in the mean time

- That's great! - Think your phone number

With the area code?

Hello?

Who's this? Speak up

Say something. Time's ticking

Mom, hi! How are things?

Tolik! Tolik! ls that you? Tolik? Tolik, where are you?

I'm at Uncle Vova's country house

Uncle Vova's? Tolik, why did you go see that snob?

I told you not to!

Mom, he can hear you

Time's up. Over and out

Hey, that sounded like Yelena Mashkova

That's right

Wait a minute. You said your mother was Yelena Tsarapkin

Look, fiddler, his mother married his father

And so she became a Tsarapkin

Understand?

Remember this once and for all, Patsaks

The number of your planet is Uzm-27 in the Spiral, 16 in the Tentura

Tolik, I'm very sorry

Just forget it

Uncle Vova, may I stay the night at your place when we get back?

Of course

You know what, Tolik? You can move in with me

- Nah, mom wouldn't like it - What's the number?

Twenty-seven in the Spiral, 16 in the Tentura

Your mom can move in, too

Uncle Vova, is Ziegenbogen a banker? - No, a flutist

Mama, mama, what am I to do?

Mama, mama, how am I going to live?

Uncle Vova, look. My jacket and your coat

- Were they the ones who stole our matches? - Yes, that's them

Crimson pants. They'll throw you in an etsikh with nails for life!

- Tolik, don't - I'll be right back

Mama, mama, what am I to do?

Mama, mama, how am I going to live?

Ni

Ni

I forgive you the ketses

but you're going to have to return ourjacket and coat

Lizyakina! Have some pride. Stop chasing after him

Can't trick me, lady. It's a pirated mirage

Then tell your mirage that decent girls

wear tsaks in their noses instead of the navel

And only one, not five

Gentlemen, one moment please

Bravo, maestro!

Hail, Earthling! If you ever set foot on this miserable planet

know that the first visitors from Earth were Tolik Tsarapkin

and his uncle, a famous cellist, Vladimir...

Well, that's that

Patsak, where is he, your Hiawatha?

- He's in the etsikh - And the other two?

Them too

That'll teach him to scare the planet

"Rocked him in his linden cradle"

- Damn acrophobes - Quiet now

Hello, tin man

- Did they let you go? - They stole the match and hit me in the eye

- ls that our fiddle? - It's mine now. I glued it back together

- Help me fetch the cage - Why?

We'll perform, make some money to bail our guys out. Let's go

Tsarapkin, I've gone solo I don't need anyone

Shove off. Don't mess up my act

- Give me the fiddle - No way

I'm asking you nicely

Don't come any closer, Patsak, or I'll poke you!

Oh really?

Jerk!

I wish I could smash the fiddle against his head, too

Don't think about that, Tsarapkin! Think about the goose instead

Or about Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade

Honk-honk-honk!

Idiot

You should have seen the pepelats he bought with our match!

A triple micro-tsapa with a magneto-zur

Aromatic spiral bolts, a laser-equipped toilet in the mainframe

Can you talk with the deaf?

- Sure, why? - I have a business proposal for him

- What is it? - He takes me to Earth and back

and I give him ten boxes of ketses

OK, and 3,000 boxes for me

- How many? - Tsarapkin

Dough is not a problem. I've got dough

Yen, euros, dollars, roubles... OK?

Mama, mama, what am I to do?

Mama, mama, how am I going to live?

Buckle up Patsak. We're going to crash land soon

- Why? - Just because

We're falling. I pinched the gravitsapa

- Why? - We'll install it on our... Tsarapkin!

Think about Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade. Now!

- Come on, think! - Lizyakina

Good boy

So, we'll install it on our pepelats, and I keep the deaf guy's share

Put it back, you scum!

We're going to crash!

You scumbag! You broke the sky in the office of my beloved Pezhe!

Come out, Patsak

Yeah, yeah, tin man. Just a second

Everyone on the floor! Hands behind your heads!

Pezhe's coming with me. The rest don't move for an hour

Are we koo or not koo?

Koo, Uncle Tolik!

Koo, buddy

What number?

Bring out Uncle Vova

And the other two

Why them?

Just because

That's one tough Patsak

Hello Vladimir Chizhov

- A video? - No

I've been meaning to talk to you. This thing here is called a tsak

- I think, you... - Vova, just hit him in the face already

What's that? What are you holding there?

A Plukian musical instrument. My grandfather gave it to me

Ah, here come those two creeps

Hey there

Koo, Uncle Tolik!

Koo, buddy

- Tsapa? - Check

- Kapa? - Check

Tsapa?

I said, tsapa!

Stop yelling. Tsarapkin, there's some junkie asking for you

People! That was some dialing that you did

It took ages to find you. Here's your candy back

Hi

Hi. If you want, I can return you to Earth

I found out the number

How about this? We go to Earth, buy matches, come back

and hide them. Then we go back and buy...

You can't bring ketses with you. Ketses are contraband

- We'll split it with you 50:50 - No

-90:10 -No

- 90:9 - No!

Quit haggling, astronauts. We'll fly on the pepelats

- Stay out of this - 90:9

No, no, and no!

Off you go then, mister. Go home

- Tsapa - Check

- Kapa - Check

Guys, do you like dumplings?

Sure

OK, so then first we...

We've landed

Guys, this isn't Earth. You missed it

This is Xanud

What Xanud?

- The planet where I was born - Me too

Woah!

- You like it? - I'll be damned!

Uncle Tolik, like we told you

the planet Xanud costs almost nothing now

A month of singing "Mama", and the planet is ours

Another month, and we can buy the air

Everybody without air will come here

They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll just spit on them

- What for? - For fun

Half the planet is yours, the other half is ours, deal?

It's tempting, of course

But we need to return to Moscow. Let's not waste time

You shut up. We're not talking to you

Uncle Tolik, come here, buddy

Look here. We are here. Earth is here

Earth is in the Antitentura, buddy. There's no way we can reach it

How so?

I've been unlucky all my life

- Did you learn that at the planetarium? - Yes, buddy

- Then why did you keep quiet? - We didn't, buddy!

We tried to convince him

The kid screwed it all up

"We'll fly on the pepelats"

The pepelats can't make it to Earth

Enough talk, let's go divide the planet

They're lying, Uncle Vova

Take us to Earth, right now!

Uncle Tolik, we can't! I swear on the kapa!

No, they're not lying

For those ketses they'd crawl on all fours across the entire Galaxy

Of course!

Put the mask on, Vova

The oxygen here is only 30% of the norm

Arthur Ziegenbogen

Flute concerto

In memoriam of the great cellist

Performed by the composer

- Uncle Tolik, don't kill me! - Don't listen to him, Uncle Tolik!

- We're Patsaks. We're brothers! - I love you like a son!

Go to hell, you two

Uncle Vova, put this on

No one needs the fiddler, Uncle Tolik

No one needs me, either

Don't. You're still young. You'll adapt

Uncle Vova, I lied to you

Nobody stole my money

I lost it all in a street scam

Just don't tell mom

OK?

Tsarapkin, after we crash-landed, my micro-tsapa has been glitchy

Sing, before you blow up your balloon. I'll record it onto the tsapa

Bee said we should tranklucate the fiddler, "He has a bad influence on the boy"

And Wef said, "What will Tsarapkin sit on?"

He's greedy, like all Chatlanians

people!

I forgot to tell you

You can't get to Earth on that ship

We know. It's in the Antitentura. So use your teleporter then

Buddies, what about us?

- Don't you feel sorry for us? - Come along

What? Me?

To the planet where you can't tell a savage Patsak from a Chatlanian?

- You can go back if you don't like it - No, buddies

Heavens be my witness:

a society with no pants-color differentiation has no future!

I'm sorry, I can't wait any longer

Friend, alien! Wait just a few more minutes

Tsarapkin, let's record the entire act

Be quick, I'm suffocating

Mama, mama, what are we to do

when the cold season comes?

I have no warm scarf

You have no warm coat

Woah!

I'll be damned

Hello, Mr. Chizhov!

Idiot

Did I scare you? I thought you'd like it

I'm Tolik, Yelena's son

Hello? No, this isn't Frosya

- You dropped some candy - Keep it

Uncle Vova, here's the thing. I was robbed on the train

Could you lend me 1,500 roubles? I'll pay you back

as soon as mom wires me some money

I don't carry cash on me. Good night

How about 300, then?

Listen, young man

if you don't leave me alone...

Your phone is ringing

- Hello? - It's Frosya

Ziegenbogen brought your old slippers

Should I take them?

Don't. Koo, Uncle Vova?

Curiously good subtitles by Eclectic Translations