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All right. I hope you're ready.

Put your hands together and make some noise

for Dewayne White!

What's up, Hanover? How you guys doing?

Hell, yeah!

Oh!

I've had a lot of fun today. You guys are fucking really into Bigfoot though.

Can we just talk about the...

That shit is everywhere. It is ridic...

I don't know what your deal is,

but you guys love that son of a bitch. Okay, cool.

Hey, man. We're so excited to be doing a special here.

A lot of people asked me like, "Why are you doing a special in Hanover, PA?"

I was like, "Just I love the small towns."

I came from a small town, yeah, out here, you know.

And I love it 'cause now I live outside of D.C. in Virginia

and I can tell jokes here I cannot tell in D.C.

Right? No, like I tell hunting jokes.

We got hunters in the crowd tonight? Anybody hunt out here?

-Whoo! - Yeah, a few of you. Good.

Yeah, no, 'cause I can't tell hunting jokes in D.C.

'cause you tell that, there's always a 22-year-old white girl walking up to me

after the show like, "There's no reason to ever kill an innocent animal."

I'm like, "Enjoy your wings, bitch. Uh, I don't know."

It's bullshi...

When I first moved to Virginia, it was weird to hunt there

'cause we used to have weird hunting laws on the books.

Like, it used to be illegal, swear to God,

to hunt on Sundays in the state of Virginia.

'Cause apparently our deer need Jesus.

What?

And that's bullshit 'cause, you know, like how do you know the deer are Christian?

I hunt on Fridays a lot.

That's the Muslim holy day, right?

So, I had to come up with a plan.

I'm out there on a Friday, a deer walks by. I'm like,

"Hey...

Salam alaykum."

And that deer's like,"alaykum salam."

Then I let him go.

If that deer's like, "Why don't you go back to where you fucking came from."

'Cause that's a Westboro Baptist deer.

And I'm done...

I'm done with these homophobic deer's bullshit. -

All right, you guys went with me on homophobic deer. That's good. I didn't know...

I didn't know how that was gonna go, man. You guys...

You guys are fun. We're gonna have a good time tonight.

We're gonna have a good time.

Let's see what we got tonight. We got parents in the crowd?

Who's got kids out here? Yeah.

You guys, this is... That is a tired ass clap.

You didn't even... You just clapped once. You're like, "Fuck."

That was awesome, dude.

Let's do this a different way. If you have kids that have already moved out,

make some noise. How about that? -

Yeah. Yeah, you hear that?

That's a different energy, right? -

That's people that fuck during the day. That's what that is.

That's just...

Those people fuck at lunch, they can take a nap afterwards. That's what that is right there.

That's awesome.

That's the best, dude. That's good.

I have kids. I have freakin' kids.

That's... I don't know. I have kids...

I don't wanna bring the room down,

but my kids, they suffer from this medical condition.

Some of you may have heard of it.

Uh, they're what's known as, uh, freakin' stupid.

You guys heard of it? Good. We're trying to raise awareness. We're trying...

We're doing a 5K for 'em this weekend. It's gonna be awesome.

It's gonna be rough.

That's dumb.

Uh, but, and I know it sounds mean to say it, like,

my kids are stupid, but I'll give you an example.

Uh, last week, my son and his best friend

stood in our front yard and argued for 20 minutes...

about whether or not it was raining.

If you're like, "Oh, that's cute. Little guys."

Uh, he is a senior...

In college. In college.

It does make sense, he goes to Mississippi State. So, he gets extra credit. Yeah.

No, I want my money back. That's good.

They get extra credit if they spell the state without the song.

It's awesome. It's good.

It's good.

I have had a shitty week this week. I'm not gonna lie.

This week, my kids found my drugs.

Yeah, it's like...

But, my daughter was pissed.

She comes up, she's like, "What is this?"

I'm like, "That is Lipitor."

And...

- She goes, "What's that?" - I'm like, "It keeps my heart from killing me."

She's like, "What's this?" And I go, "That is Prozac."

"And that keeps me from killing you."

"So... Right?" -

And then the neighbors and myself, it's a whole thing. It's good.

Anybody on the Insider presence in here?

We got white women in here tonight? Yeah, okay.

Oh, stop, you know...

White women be like, "Let's take a handful of Prozac

and go to an escape room. It'll be great."

I know how that goes.

I got diagnosed with depression during the pandemic.

So, band wagon. Whatever.

It's fine. It's fine, but...

We went in to get the drugs and my doctor, she goes,

"Let me tell you about the side effects."

She goes, "It can cause headaches, sweaty palms,

delayed ejaculation, insomnia..."

I'm like, "Whoa, let's back up."

Uh...

Right. I'm like, "I'm sorry, what was that one you said?"

She goes, "Sweaty palms?" I'm like, "Bitch, you know the one...

...I'm asking about, right?"

She goes, "Oh, you must mean DE."

She said it like I knew what that is, DE. I've never heard of DE before.

I'm like, "I've heard of ED. Are you telling me I can't--"

She's like, "Oh, no, no. Erections are no problem.

Uh, but it will take you over an hour of actual sex for you to have an orgasm."

My wife's like, "We'll fucking take it. Right now."

Fuck you for clapping at that, ladies. It's bullshit.

An hour? That's a long freaking time. An hou...

That's a 10K. That is a 10K.

Nobody's bringing me water or power bars?

Kiss my ass. I'm not doing it.

If I don't get a T-shirt, I'm not even showing up. I don't give a shit.

Right? Fuck that, dude. 10K.

Bullshit. I don't know, man.

So, I do, I have kids now. I have older kids now.

I have a 22-year-old son, I have an 18-year-old daughter,

I have a 16-year-old vasectomy.

And so...

I read parenting books, man.

They say if you have a favorite, you're not supposed to let 'em know which one it is.

But they figure that shit out, they know.

In my house, they know.

It's that vasectomy.

100%. It's...

That's the only one that gives me hope, you know? That's bullshit.

Oh, man. It's crazy, it's crazy.

They were all home recently, man.

My wife is all happy. She's like,

"Isn't it so great? Isn't it so nice to have the kids home?"

I'm like, "No, it's not. 'Cause he's a 22-year-old man."

Right? Weird shit happens when you have a 22-year-old man in your house.

Like the other day, he's in the living room watching TV.

I'm in the kitchen and I hear from the TV,

"Oh, yeah. That's the spot."

"Take it. Take it."

I'm like, "Fuck, is he... Is he watching porn?

"In the living room?" Like, what the...

"I bought him a phone. What is he doing?"

Right?

And then I listen more closely. I realize it's all dudes voices.

Yeah. It's like, "Dude, it's huge.

I can't even fit my hand around."

I'm like, "Nope. No! No! No!"

Then I'm like, "Bullshit. You be a good dad, you be a supportive dad.

You saw this shit coming. You knew it was gonna happen."

Now, he did a lot of theater. A lot of it and... -

I gotta tell you, when I walked around the corner, what I saw,

I was disgusted and disappointed as a father,

'cause he's watching a fucking fishing show.

And now I'm pi... "No!"

"No! Bullshit! Not in this house.

You watch gay porn like a fucking man!"

Right?

"Major League Fishing, my ass. No!"

That's bullshit.

So, is this a porn crowd? Are we into porn in Pennsylvania?

Do we do that out here? We have that? You got it?

Yeah, this side, I know. For sure. Yeah.

Yeah, for real.

You have that many piercings,

you guys are on Pornhub for sure.

It's true.

I don't know, man. I don't know.

Out here, you guys still have porn.

Like, I live in Virginia. We got that weird law

where you're "not supposed" to watch porn any more. It's crazy.

And you know, it doesn't even work.

They don't really shut porn off.

You just have to have a VPN. That's all you have to do.

Right? If you don't know what a VPN is,

it makes your computer look like it's from somewhere else, right?

And it drops you in a different place,

so it fools the bots or whatever, right?

But sometimes, it drops you into a state that has the same fucking laws.

That's bullshit. You're all ready to go

and then you're like, "Welcome to Tennessee. Welcome to Texas."

You're like, "Fuck! Can you drop me in a blue state for 15 fucking minutes?"

It's bullshit.

I don't know, man. I don't know. You guys...

I don't know.

I talk to my kids about porn. I do.

Like not in a weird way. I'm not like,

"Hey, what you watching, buddy?" -

"I've seen her. This is a good one.

Wait till the end, it's awesome. It's good."

Not like that. That would be weird, right?

I talk to my kids about porn like, I don't know,

I think my grandfather probably talked to my dad

about like electricity or cars.

Right, you know?

It's like, "Dude, you have so many opportunities. You can do shit.

You can do things that we only dreamed of doing.

Right? You can choose your own kink now.

I couldn't do that. Right?"

Whatever magazine I found in my dad's closet, that was my shit forever.

Right? You just wander around one day. You find a magazine.

You're like, "Well, I guess I'm into big bitches. All right, here we go."

Okay. Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Then the day came, you found a VHS tape.

Holy shit.

VHS porn. That would change your life. That was different.

Right? And it was never labelled "porn", right?

So, you just find a video tape. You're like, "Why does dad have a copy of Braveheart

in his nightstand?"

What?

You put it in, you're like, "Shit, that's not Mel Gibson. Oh, my God!"

Right?

"Freedom!" Right?

It's bullshit.

That's crazy, man.

Young people, man. Y'all's porn is weird, though.

I would say, y'all's porn is different. It is like...

There's a lot of spitting and choking and shit now.

I do not understand, you know? I don't get it. Hey!

But, I try to be a man of the times, so...

So, the other night, me and my wife were in bed. I'm like,

"I'm gonna fucking choke her." Yeah, yeah. -

Yeah, we weren't having sex or nothing. But I was like, "Let's see..."

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See how this shit works out. You know what I mean?

Nah, we were having sex, but...

But here's the trouble. She does not watch porn, right?

So now, I have to explain.

So, the officer...

Right? It's like, "No, sir. It is not assault.

I was being sexy." Like, hey! What's up? Bullshit. -

I don't know, man.

It's crazy, you guys.

Uh, you guys may have figured this out. Uh, I'm not a good father.

Uh...

I tried to be a good dad, I did, man.

Like, I read parenting books and shit.

You guys read those? Anybody read the parenting books in here?

No? Good. They're stupid. They don't work. It's dumb. No!

Nobody knows what they're doing. We try to keep 'em alive till they turn 18

and then get the fuck out. That's all we want.

All right? It's fucked up, I don't know.

It's dumb, man. It's crazy. I don't know.

It is weird, man. Just with the parenting books.

I tried to read 'em, but I couldn't get past the titles.

You know? 'Cause the titles are bullshit.

It's like, "Stop yelling and start connecting, dad."

"The anger-free home."

Fuck you. Anger free.

'Cause I want everybody in this room to know tonight.

Anger is my love language. All right? That's it. -

All right? And if they don't stop fucking around, they will get physical touch.

I promise on that shit right now.

There shouldn't be parenting books. That's all I'm saying.

They shouldn't exist. 'Cause we've all been kids.

Right? Don't write books for us, write books for them.

Tell 'em our side.

With good titles like, "Mommy would love you, if your room was clean."

That'd be good one, right?

or my personal favorite, "Dad yells 'cause you're 22 and still fucking live here."

Yeah!

Get out of my basement. That's all I'm saying.

It's bullshit. I don't know, man.

I tried, I tried. I don't know.

I have the 18-year-old daughter. That's fun.

That's a good time. I don't know.

Anybody in here raise teenage girls? Did anybody raise 'em?

Oh, God. It's hard. Oh, my God. They're...

The parenting books don't tell you all the shit.

They don't tell you that teenage girls

are the meanest thing on the planet.

Right? They don't. And they'll fight with their mom for no reason at all, right?

The other day, my daughter comes downstairs,

and I just hear, "Good morning." I hear, "Fuck you!"

I'm like, "Okay, okay. All right." -

"Shit."

But here's what I've learned as a dad. Do not get in the middle of it.

Dads, no matter how right you are, do not get in the middle.

'Cause they will combine forces and turn on you like a velociraptor.

They don't give a shit.

They don't care.

I didn't listen to my own advice. I got in the middle of it.

I just hear, Good morning." "Fuck you!"

I was like, "You listen here, young lady."

I'm like, "That is your daughter."

"You can't talk to her like that."

"That is, um..."

Shit, it's good.

My daughter yells at me all the time. Just all the...

About shit I can't even do anything about.

My daughter yells at me about Roe v. Wade.

Right? I'm like, "You know I'm a comedian, right?

Like, I'm not on the Supreme Court. I didn't do this shit."

See how she gets mad. She's like, "Dad, you want us

to have to go back to back alley abortions?"

I'm like, "No. But like...

That was a different time. That was the '60s, you know.

You gotta think. We didn't have shit like YouTube."

Right?

No, before YouTube, I wouldn't change my own oil.

I'll do brakes now. I don't give a shit.

Right?

And don't call it a back alley abortion. That sounds bad.

Get the white women involved. Call it a DIY abortion.

Right?

Get Chip and Joanna Gaines in on that shit. Right?

"Today we're starting the demolition. It's the most fun day. Uh..."

"This particular unit has been remodeled several times."

Uh... That's great.

Oh!

Oh, that's where I lost you guys?

On the imaginary abortion? Are you serious?

You better buckle up. It's gonna get worse, okay?

Stupid, man.

It's... You guys.

What a weird place. I don't know.

You guys were really good and then you're like,

"No, abor..." Ha, ha!

It's the best. That's my favorite laugh.

When you're like, "Ha, ha! Oh, shit."

It's the best. That's the best laugh.

My daughter, man, 18 now, she turned.

And she reminds me. She's like, "Dad, I'm 18. I'm an adult. I'll do what the fuck I want."

Really. That's what she says. And she does, too, man.

The day she turned 18, she went out, she got a tattoo, a belly button ring

and that permanent birth control shit in her arm.

So, she fucks.

That's what I learned that day. Yeah.

You know. Whatever, you know. You can't really do anything about it, right?

You know, just be safe, whatever.

We actually learned like a year earlier.

She told us she was active. And I was like, "Good, babe. Go to the gym. That's great."

"Take care of yourself." You know?

Well, she... The fucked up part...

Her boyfriend, he was a year older than her

and he was graduating high school

and my wife and I were sitting around and my wife goes,

"Well, what are we gonna get him for a graduation present?"

"I think we're good. I think, uh..."

What?

We can grab a gift card on the way,

but I think we've given enough. I think we're... okay.

Right?

The tattoo pissed me off.

The tattoo definitely made me mad. And I'm not anti-tattoo.

I don't know why I looked at you guys. Oh, yeah, I do. Uh...

Right?

I'm not anti-tattoo. I have tattoos. I'm not against that.

But what pissed me off is she wanted to get like a tattoo of our dogs.

Like a little silhouette of our dogs on her arm.

And I'm like, "Aw, that's cute. Whatever."

But I was taught, you don't get a tattoo of a living thing.

Right? 'Cause bad shit happens.

Right? People die, relationships end.

I was like, "Baby, please, whatever you do, do not get this tattoo."

She's like, "Dad, I'm 18. I'll do what I want."

So, I had to rush home,

kill the fucking dogs.

Listen...

When you're a dad, you gotta be right. You gotta be right.

I showed her ass. That's all I'm saying.

I didn't kill the dogs. Relax. It's fine, it's okay.

They're still there. It's good, it's good.

We just went on a road trip recently.

That's... You wanna... Jesus, it's...

It was fun 'cause we got to spend a lot of time together.

But, uh, it was weird 'cause it led to very awkward conversations.

Like one day, we're driving along and a song came on

and I swear, all I said, I go, "I think this song is older than me."

You know what she said?

"Ew."

That's not an "ew" moment, all right? That's not.

I didn't say anything "ew" worthy, right?

Like if I said, "Hey, you know, your mom and I,

we used to get busy to this song." Right? Right?

Or if Isaid, "Hey, you know how old this song is, princess?"

"Your age plus nine months." That is a solid...

That's a solid "ew." But I didn't say that shit. It's good.

I give her a lot of shit on stage, I do.

Uh, you know, 'cause...

People ask me, "Why do you talk so much shit about your daughter on stage?"

I'm like, "Mostly 'cause she's too young to get into comedy clubs."

So, this is my shot. This is what I have. You know?

I do talk a lot of shit, but she's a good kid, I will say that.

She's a great kid. She's smart, she gets good grades.

She does theater, she's on a rock climbing team. She's just...

You ever hear something come out of your mouth

and be like, "That is the whitest sentence any human being...

...has ever said," right?

I'm like, "I don't know about white privilege."

I'm like, "My daughter's on a rock climbing team...

...in Manassas, Virginia."

Yeah, that checks out, that checks out. That's fine. That's fine.

She used to be a gymnast. That was her thing for a long time.

She was gymnast. She was good too.

Like, everybody thinks their kid's good, but she was like

pack your shit, move to the Midwest,

live with a bunch of child molesters.

Like, that's the level of good. -

"Oh, okay. We found the line in Hanover. Okay, cool. Oh."

Everybody was cool they were fucking three minutes ago,

but now, no, no. That's good.

Was anybody really surprised when the USA gymnastics stuff all broke?

Did you see the press conference?

It was great. They came out like, "Well, we didn't see it coming."

I'm like, "You put a bunch of little girls in a house

with a bunch of dudes from eastern Europe."

Ray Charles could see that shit coming.

What are you talking about, man, right? -

It's ridiculous, man. She was good, but we had to stop,

'cause it was expensive. It was too expensive.

We figured out by the time she was 11 years old,

we were spending over $1,000 a month to keep her in gymnastics.

Right? At 11.

But she's gonna be the next Simone Biles, right? So, it's worth it.

Right? Then the unthinkable happens, man.

Age 11, she falls off a balance beam and breaks her back.

Yeah, that's when parenting becomes hard, right?

'Cause you gotta sit your little girl down and you gotta tell her,

"I'm sorry, but your dream of being an Olympic gymnast is dead."

And that's tough.

But holy shit, when I think of the money we saved? I'm like, "Hell, yeah. Yeah!"

That got me through it.

Yeah.

I'm like, "Your dream of being a gymnast is dead.

But dad's dream of a boat, alive and well."

It is great.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't do the one thing that brings you joy.

But we are gonna take some amazing vacations from now on.

What? No, you're not always gonna get to go, but we love you.

And, uh...

...we will always send you a T-shirt."

Oh, man. You guys are a fun crowd, man. I like you guys.

Oh, man, it's a fun time.

I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret.

Um, he introduced me as Dewayne and I know some of you were like,

"Really? Uh..."

I get it. I'm a white dude named Dewayne, sir. It's okay, it's fine.

My last name is White. So it balances out. We're gonna be okay.

It's gonna be... It's gonna be great.

Uh... No, Dewayne is actually my middle name. It's what I go by.

Uh, but my real first name is actually Shannon.

-Ew! - Fuck you. Okay. What?

At least wait for the punch line, asshole. Like, I don't know.

I don't care, I don't care. I don't mind it now. I don't give a shit.

I'm a grown man, who cares? But when I was a kid, it was bullshit, dude.

I'll give you an example. I'm 13 years old, I got a package in the mail.

It's like, "Happy Birthday, Shannon."

I'm like, "Yes, it's a new toy. I've never heard of the company."

They sound cool. Uh, Playtex. Okay, uh..."

Hmm.

I'm 13, dude. I've never seen a tampon before.

I have no idea what these things are.

Right? I open up the package, I start playing with 'em, right?

Just like...

These are the worst fucking party poppers ever.

These are bullshit. Right?

There's a string. I'm like, "Maybe a firecracker, you know?"

Did not explode, but, you know.

They're flammable as shit. Don't know if you knew that. They'll burn for a long time.

That's crazy.

I think the worst same time for me, age 13,

I got invited to be a contestant

at Miss Teen USA.

Yeah. Yeah.

I was pissed. I was embarrassed, upset.

Fucking third place? That's bullshit. Come on. -

Right?

I wish it was now. Dude, I would've just gone. I'll be like,

"I'm Shannon. Where's my roommate? Let's go."

"What's up?

I identify as a beauty queen."

"What's up?"

Just, yeah...

I was bitching about it one time and my mom, swear to God,

she goes, "It's your dad's fault.

He insisted on naming you Shannon."

She goes, "I was gonna call you John Edward."

"All right, Mom, uh..."

I'm like, "Let's go to the board on that one. Uh...

John. Edward. White."

"My initials are JEW. Are you serious, Mom?

We're Irish. That's gonna confuse the whole trailer park, Mom."

It's bullshit.

That's why when I turned 18, I joined the Army.

I was like, "Fuck it. They go by last names."

You know what I mean? It's better.

I was in the army for a long time. We got vets here?

Do we have any veterans here tonight? - AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Yeah. Are you a vet, sir? Yeah? What branch?

-Air Force. - Air Force? I kinda meant military.

But that's okay.

I'm kidding. It's okay. That's fine, it's fine. It's all good.

You're a big dude, too. I need to shut up. That's not okay.

How long did you do? How long were you in?

-Six years. - Six years? Yeah.

I did 23 years, man. That was a long time.

- It was good. Yeah, yeah. -Whoo!

It was crazy, man.

It was nuts.

I planned to do four, then get the fuck out. That was my plan.

Four years, get out. Uh, then I got some credit card debt.

Twenty-three years later...

Still got credit card debt. But whatever, it's fine. -

I'll tell you, this is how they got me. This is how they got me.

Uh, the first place they ever sent me was Germany, man.

I loved it over there, I had so much fun.

Uh, I actually have a souvenir in my house that reminds

every single day of Germany. It's cool.

Uh, in fact, we've been married for 25 years.

It's great.

She loves it when I call her a souvenir. It's fine, it's fine.

I'm not allowed to say war trophy... anymore. But...

Oh, fuck her. Shut up, they lost.

I can say what I want. I tell her all the time,

you don't like it, win a goddamn war.

You know what I mean?

We gave 'em two shots at the title.

They came up empty both times.

You know what I mean?

You're a war trophy it is.

I love being married to a foreigner.

I think it's cool, I think it's awesome. Uh, not everybody does.

I did a show in D.C. back in 2020. This dude walks up to me after the show, he goes,

"Hey, man. How could you marry a goddamn foreigner?"

Wow. I was like, "Shit, listen, uh... Mr. President...

Um..."

"I'm just saying, yours has an accent, too, bro. That's all I'm saying.

We're both driving imports. You know what I'm saying, buddy?"

It wasn't him, obviously. It wasn't him. But it was a dude in a red hat.

And so...

I got pissed, dude. I got in his face. I'm like,

"You listen here, buddy." I go, "It's 2020. I'm not putting up with this bullshit.

It was just like anything else, right.

You find someone you like, you fall in love.

And then you move her to your cart."

What's the point of having Prime?

What's the point of having Prime... -

...if I can't get that shit in two days? Let's go.

Save your receipts, though. The return policy is a bitch.

It's rough. It's too bad. -

Oh, man. No, uh, we actually got married in Germany, which was pretty cool.

Uh, well, okay, if I'm 100% honest, like, we had to get married.

Yeah.

Yeah, fun fact. Uh...

When you're in the army and you leave Germany,

you're required by regulation

to bring home either a wife or a cuckoo clock.

That's just... those are the rules. -

All right?

I give her shit for being a foreigner.

But I do wanna say this, uh, tonight.

She's here tonight and I just wanna say,

she's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Best decision ever made.

And, uh, you know, we just celebrated 25 years of marriage.

That's a pretty big deal. Yeah, yeah. -

Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

Best...

Best decision ever. Yeah.

'Cause you can't have sex with a clock.

I think that's really my message tonight. -

Okay, you can. You can, sir.

But, with a cuckoo clock,

timing is extremely important, all right?

There's a dude with an ax and a saw, you know?

Hoo-hoo! Just...

Be careful at the top of the hour.

That's all I'm trying to say, dude.

It's good.

It's good.

Oh, I'll tell you guys my favorite Germany story.

I had just gotten there, I'm like 19 years old.

I'm excited, we're ready to go do training.

I'm like, "Hey, guys. What are we doing?"

And they go, "Well, we don't have the facilities on our base,

so we have to go down to the German base,

to do gas chamber training."

"What?"

Right?

Now I realize, not everybody in here was military,

so for those who weren't in the military, you don't know what that is.

So, if you weren't in the military or I don't know,

you were in the Air Force or whatever.

Uh...

You take a little room, you fill it full of tear gas,

to simulate like a chemical environment

or Baltimore, whatever.

Whatever town you guys gas on a regular basis in Pennsylvania, I don't know.

But, you go in with a mask on, you take your mask off.

You know, everybody does it, no big deal.

In America.

I'm just saying, these fuckers have a history. That's all I'm saying.

Right?

And I'm a smart ass. I can't let it go, right?

We get to the German base, this big ass German dude comes out.

He's like...

Does anyone have any questions before you go in our chamber?

I'm like, "Yes! Shit, sorry. Yes! Uh..."

Nobody else has a problem with this?

Like nobody sees an issue?

They're like, "White, shut up."

I'm like, "You guys don't have the History Channel over here?

Like, why are we going in their chamber, man?

We won."

"Two times."

Now the German dude's all pissed off, right?

He's looking at his roster, he's like,

"Mr. White."

- "What's your first name?" - I'm like, "Fuck you, dude. Really?"

I go, "It's John Edward, dude." Now I'm damn sure not going in that thing.

Yeah!

"Matter of fact, I'll just be over here looking at your clocks.

You know what I mean?"

That's bullshit.

That's awesome, man. Oh, I don't know, man.

When were you in the military, dude? When did you go in?

-Uh, '95. - '95?

Okay, so like right after Don't Ask, Don't Tell came into being.

Like, I'm not calling you gay. Like, I don't mean that.

I came in in 1992.

That was before Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

That was when it was illegal...

Illegal to be gay in the military, right?

Even the Navy, even those guys.

I'm not saying they enforced the rules exactly the same.

I'm just saying it was technically illegal.

But like, it was fucked up, 'cause they would ask you.

They could ask you back then. They'd go, "Are you a homosexual?"

And you're like, "No, hell no! Fuck, no!

I think."

"Like, maybe. I don't know. I'm 17. Like, I don't--"

Right? At that point in my life, I had had equal amounts of each.

Zero, zero. I see you guys...

Saw you guys looking at me weird.

Somebody there's like, "Get that man a Bud Light." No, calm down. It's okay.

It's bullshit.

It's fine.

But they would, they would ask you.

They're like, "Are you a homosexual?"

And it was a doctor that asked you.

He'd be like, "Are you a homosexual?" You're like, "No, hell, no!"

They're like, "Turn around, spread your butt cheeks, bend over.

You're like, "Bullshit. I see what you're doing. No!"

"You're not getting me, buddy. You're not getting me."

Right? But they would.

And then, you would turn around and he would look right... right there.

It was crazy.

And that's how the rumor started.

There was a rumor that went around, it was like, "Well, they can tell."

Huh?

It's like, "They can tell if you've ever had anything up there."

"Anything?"

"Ever? 'Cause I mean..."

I was a latchkey kid. I had a lot of free time.

You know what I mean? I'm saying... -

I used to play a little game called, "Will it fit."

And you know, usually...

Usually, yeah. You know what I mean?

Little "can do" attitude. You know what I mean?

This gonna work? I don't know, man.

When did you get out?

- Ninety, ninety-- -Uh, 2000.

2000? All right.

It's good. You get your disability? Did you get that?

No? You need to get that, dude. I just got my 100%.

That's the shit. It's pretty good, man. It's pretty dope.

It's pretty good.

Okay, that's... See how some of the people are clapping loud?

That's 'cause they're veterans.

Others are like, "I don't wanna clap too loud.

They'll take my disability away."

That's fine, that's good.

I don't know, man. I don't...

The people that are clapping get it.

'Cause like... You know, I just got 100%

and that means I get a check until the day I die.

That's the best part about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the best.

But people don't understand that.

They come up, they hear you're disabled,

they go, "Oh, my God. Are you okay?"

You're like, "You bet your ass I am."

Am I right? Yeah, yeah.

I don't pay property taxes any more.

It's awesome, it's great. Right?

I'm a big fan of like raises for government employees now.

They're like, "Yeah, we're gonna raise property taxes by 4%."

I'm like, "Fuck it, let's make it eight. Let's go." -

"Yeah, let's do that, right?"

It's good.

I don't know. Other people come up pissed.

They're like, "You don't look disabled."

I'm like, "That's 'cause you can't see the movie that I'm watching."

So... Hmm.

It's good.

When I first got my 100%, they told me they wanted to give me a service dog, right?

And that's cool, man. I was like, "Yeah, that's awesome, but, hey..."

I thought it was gonna be fast. I thought it was gonna be quick.

I thought they just had like a Amazon warehouse full of dogs.

Just sitting around doing whatever dogs do.

Playing poker, whatever, I don't know, right? -

And then an alarm goes off.

And the dogs are like, "There's a veteran in Virginia

that's having bad dreams. Go! Go! Go!"

Right? And they just come running out,

they slide down a pole. They're like, "We're here."

And then, you know...

That is not how that works.

It takes a long time. It took almost two years

for me to get a service dog, right?

Finally, this non-profit calls. They go, "Hey, bro. We got you a dog."

I'm like, "Sweet. That's awesome."

They go, "Oh, you're gonna love him. He's a little black lab.

His name is Trip, he's so cool."

I was like, "Awesome, I love labs."

And then they go, "Well, there's one small catch.

Um, he actually failed out of service dog school."

I didn't know you could do that. Like, I didn't know that was a thing, right?

But it does make sense, right? Not everybody gets through military school, right?

Not everybody can be like an Army Ranger or a Navy SEAL, you know.

Which is how we get Air Force people.

It's cool.

His name is Trip, he's a cool dog. But he is perfectly named.

Because every couple of hours, he goes on a little mental vacation.

He does. He does.

He'll be normal and he'll walk up,

he'll get two inches from the wall and just be like,

"Huh?"

And he stays there for like two, three minutes.

And I'm clapping, like, "Trip, Trip. Hey, Trip!"

'Cause one second he was fine, next minute,

he's Mitch McConnell at a press conference.

Just...

And he's back. I'm like, "Where the fuck did you go, Trip?"

"Were you in the Upside Down? What happened to you?"

This is fucking crazy, man.

He's the dumbest dog I've ever had.

I love him, but he's the dumbest dog I've ever had.

Right?

When we got him, they told us... "You can't even feed him in a regular bowl

'cause he'll eat too fast and screw up his stomach."

So, we gotta feed him in this thing called a "slow bowl."

If you don't know what it is, the dog eats a little bit

then he goes off, he does a little doggy puzzle

and then he comes back and eats a little more.

I'm pissed. I'm like, "This is bullshit.

I gained weight when I got out of the military.

Where was that technology for me?"

I go, "Okay, Dewayne, you can have another funnel cake,

but first..."

"A train leaves Boston going 75 miles an hour..."

Whoo!

I'd have still been fat, but I'd have been smart. You know what I mean?

We have another dog too. It's kind of sad.

He just got diagnosed with cancer.

So, yeah. Oh, I expected you to laugh at that. That's good. -

He did. He just got diagnosed with cancer. It's very sad.

Uh, they told us he has two months to live.

Uh, and the shitty part is they told us that nine fucking months ago!

No, and he's kicking ass. He's doing better than he's ever done.

No, he's killing it. He's doing great.

And here's my thing.

If you tell me you're gonna die,

fucking die!

Right?

No, 'cause I'm gonna treat you different. I am.

'Cause when we found out he was dying,

I started feeding him from the table.

I made steaks. I made freaking steaks for this dog.

He used to dig in the backyard and stuff and I was like, you know,

'Hey, you know, don't dig." And now, I'm like,

"You dig, buddy. You keep digging. You live your best life.

Matter of fact, little bit more, little wider, little longer.

Keep going."

"No, don't fill it in. We got it. We got it"

It took a while to go around the room. That's okay. That's fine.

He...

I doubled his food 'cause I was like,

"Shit, we gotta get rid of it."

My wife got mad at me about that.

She's like, "No, we gotta feed him right. We gotta keep him healthy.

I'm like, "He's freaking dying.

What are you ta..." I was like, "Don't pull that bullshit with me."

If they're ever like, "Dewayne, you have six months to live."

And you're like, "Oh, you should have a salad."

"Fuck you, I'm doing heroin!"

I'm gonna deep fry heroin. That's what I'm doing.

Put that shit in a mozzarella stick or something, I don't care.

It's bullshit.

"Have a salad."

I don't know, man. It's a weird time, man.

Phew.

Oh, man. I don't know.

I did a lot of weird shit. I tried to do all the cool...

I used to be a badass, I'm not gonna lie. I used to be a badass.

I was like, You're looking at me like, "What happened?"

I get it.

No, I did. I'd volunteer for shit like, you know, jumping out of planes.

And I did two tours in Bosnia, two tours in Iraq.

I went to Florida. I mean...

I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid.

I did one tour in Florida, that's it. Fuck that.

But...

But I did. I would do all the shit.

Anything you wanted me to, I'd do it.

Now I'm like... Today, I pretended to be asleep to avoid carrying in groceries.

Things have changed.

Things have changed.

I did the whole like airborne, jumping out of planes thing.

I did the whole ranger thing.

I did the whole, let's invade a country

and look around for chemical weapons for two years

and never find 'cause it's not there,

but goddamn it, we're going anyway...

...thing.

I tried. I looked everywhere. I looked everywhere for that shit.

Right? Here's the thing, when I came back,

it was funny, the 22-year-old white girls were pissed.

They were like, "I'm so mad at Geroge. W. Bush."

I'm like, "Bitch, you're mad?"

"Like, I got blown up. Fuck you."

Right?

It was...

Here's what I learned during that time.

If I'm ever the president

and I tell you we're invading a country

because they have chemical weapons, I promise you this,

we're gonna find some fucking chemical weapons. Right?

Yeah. I don't care what it costs to ship that stuff over.

I am bringing in truck loads, right? -

No, I'll hide it throughout the country

like the world's worst Easter egg hunt.

I don't give a shit, right?

It's like, "Line up everybody. You guys ready?

Everybody line up, line up. Ready?

Three. Two.

On... Back up, back up."

Fucking Marines. Okay."

"Three, two, go get it, boys.

Go find those chemical weapons.

There's $20 in the golden egg, if you can find that one. It'll be great."

I'm just saying lie. That's all I'm saying.

Just lie, right?

I'll lie about anything, I don't give a shit.

Right? If I'm playing golf with you for a dollar a hole

and I hit a ball that I'm not 100% sure I'm gonna find,

guess what's in my pocket?

Right? Ball looks just like the one I hit.

I go.

Right?

Just lie. That's all I'm saying. Just lie.

I'm a bad liar, though, I'd probably get caught.

No, I would. I'd have taken it too far.

Like, I'd have a photo op with canisters and shit everywhere.

I'll be like, "See these?

These are all chemical weapons designed for use against the United States.

It says it right on the side, "Ma-De in America,"

which I think we all know means "Death to America" in Arabic

and that just proves my point that--"

"Sir, that says, 'Made in America.'"

"Fuck!"

I hate that joke, it's such a dumb joke. I hate it.

No, I do. I hate that joke. But I tell it, 'cause I like to watch you guys, honestly.

No, 'cause I told that joke all over the country

and everywhere I say it, like,

there's always three groups of people, no matter where I'm at.

There's the first group, I say, "Ma-De in America,"

they get it, they giggle, right?

There's the second group, I say, "Made in America," they laugh.

And then, there's that third group.

You're elbowing your wife going, "That dude speaks Arabic. That's pretty dope."

All right, cool, man. That's pretty dope. That's good. -

No, I think they had 'em, man. I think they had 'em.

I think the chemical weapons were probably there.

Trouble's who we had looking for 'em.

Just a bunch of dudes like me, you know?

And if I'm honest, most days I can't find

my freaking keys in my own house. Let's be real.

Right? We could have solved the whole thing right away.

Just pull all of us out

and send in like one truckload of like,

wives and girlfriends and moms.

Yeah.

Thirty seconds, the whole war would've been over.

'It's right fucking here!"

"You didn't even look for it, did you?"

"It's right where I told you it was."

"All right. Welcome back, ladies. All right. Let's go, let's go."

That's good, man.

You guys are crazy.

Oh, man. I don't know.

Let's see who we got. Uh, married people, are you guys out there?

Married people, make some... Who's married in the crowd tonight?

Married people? Yeah?

That's good. Some of you sounded very sad.

You're like, "Yeah, I'm clapping. She's right here."

I don't know, man. I'm married.

Like I said, we've been married a long time.

You know, who's been married a long time?

We got long time married people in here tonight?

Like, 40, 50 years. Anything like that?

Thirty? This is the weirdest fucking auction I've ever had.

This is crazy.

Fifty, 40, 30, 20... Sad! Sadness and pain.

Thirty years?

Twenty years? Anybody over 20?

- Twenty? -Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight. That's not nothing.

Twenty-eight. Give it up for 28 years right here in the front row.

To each other?

Okay. No. No.

No, no. You gotta ask that, you know, sometimes.

I've had weird shit in the front row of shows before.

It's like, "Hey, yeah, we're married. Well, accumulatively."

Like, "No, no. No, that doesn't count."

Oh, that's great. But, no...

I'm gonna ask you a question, sir.

What's your name, sir? Can I ask that?

Dave? All right, Dave. I'm gonna ask you a question.

Ma'am, do not answer for him. Dave, do not look at her.

What is the secret to marriage?

Trust. All right, that's a good one.

You gotta get trust. I can deal with trust.

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Sometimes they get weird, he's like, "She's always right."

I'm like, "Bullshit. That's not true, you pussy."

But that's a good one. Trust is a good one.

Your eyes are getting very big. I don't know.

The rest of you can't see this. Dave's like...

"Fucking move on."

"Move to the other part of the room."

"Talk to these guys on the wall, please."

That's...

That's a good ans... I get weird answers sometimes. I get very weird answers.

Uh, one dude said like, "Compromise."

I'm like, "What the hell?" Like, 'Oh, tonight I put it in your butt."

My favorite answer I ever got. Uh...

This couple, front row, been married 49 years.

The dude looks at me, swear to God, he goes...

He goes, "We had a deal."

Wait.

"That whoever left first, had to take the kids."

That's genius. That's genius.

That's next level shit right there. That's good.

That's awesome. I tell everybody, uh, it takes, uh, patience,

understanding and the ability to patch drywall.

Those are really the top three. -

I'm saying we throw shit, brother. That's what I'm saying.

Like, shit gets thrown in our house.

And everybody thinks it's me 'cause I'm the old army veteran, PTSD and stuff.

It's her.

And that's weird, 'cause everybody knows, Europeans can't throw.

Right?

No, it's true. Give 'em a soccer ball all day, no problem.

You give a German a baseball, it's the funniest shit you've ever seen in your life.

It's like...

It's so...

Right? It's so good. It's the greatest thing ever.

That's why they lost the war. They couldn't throw a grenade.

So... No, it's great.

"Ahhh!" It's awesome.

No, I tell everybody, "Marry a foreigner."

That's the secret. Uh, no it's great.

If it's not too late, pick one up.

They're awesome. It's fun.

This is what I'll say. I think the problem between men and women

is that we speak different languages.

Can we agree on that, ladies?

Yeah? Yeah?

I do. I'll give you an example from my life.

Like last week, I was like, "Hey, babe. I think we should move this mirror

closer to the bed."

Every dude in here knows what I'm saying, right? Let's go.

"Let's spice shit up, right?"

That is not what she heard me say.

She heard me go, "We should spend ten grand to remodel this bedroom, huh?"

"Huh. Huh."

And the mirror's in the same goddamn place.

This is bullshit.

We are trying to spice shit up, though.

Starting bringing toys into the bedroom.

Ladies, you into the sex toys, ladies? - WOMAN: Whoo!

Yeah, you should be. You should be.

No, you guys have amazing shit.

Like, right now, there's a team of engineers

locked away in a top secret mountain complex somewhere in the Midwest

inventing a new way for you to cum, ma'am.

And that's fucking awesome.

What do we got, Dave? What's the best we have?

A fucking fleshlight. That's all we have.

That's it.

And that's bullshit. That's just a tube of foam. That's all that is.

Right? You're fucking a Muppet. That's what I'm trying to say.

And it's not even a cool Muppet, either.

If it was red or blue, be Animal or Gonzo,

it would be dope, right? It'll be like,

♪ It's time To face the music

Look me in the eye.

♪ It's time To light the lights

But it's not. It's not red or blue, right?

It's orange. You know. It's orange.

You're banging away all day at Beaker.

You're just like, "Mee-mee-mee, mee-mee-mee, mee-mee-mee."

"Mee-mee.

Beep."

The top selling sex toy on the market for women right now.

You guys know what it is? Ladies?

Anybody? You can say it.

Say it. I asked you a question. You can talk, it's okay.

-Spark plug. - The what?

Okay, first of all, you're not a lady.

Uh...

I don't wanna assume anything. But you're like...

I was like, "No, that's not...

That's not you, unless you're on a rugby team or something."

Listen, ladies.

The top selling sex toy on the market for women.

You know what it is, ladies?

The Rose? That's Walmart shit, ma'am. Spend the money, okay?

No. No.

No, you only get one clitoris. It's worth more than $29.99.

You know what I mean?

It's not... It's not the Rose.

Any other? Not the Rose. Anybody?

The Rabbit? Okay. The Rabbit. That's in the '90s. But, okay. That's fine.

No, that makes sense. That makes sense.

'Cause rabbits hide in brush. And in the '90s, ladies...

I'm saying y'all had a lot of shit going on. That's all I'm saying.

Right?

Not that.

The top selling sex toy on the market for women right now

is a thing called the Womanizer.

I don't know if you guys have heard of it.

If you've never seen it, it creates a miniature tornado right on your happy bun.

No. Those scientists found a way to harness the power of God.

It's insane, right?

The power that used to be used to destroy a small town in Kansas,

just like, whoo! A twister. A twister. It's amazing.

Meanwhile, this dude's going home and fucking an overpriced pool noodle.

It's bullshit.

You know, when I talk about that on stage,

sometimes I get really weird crowd interactions afterwards.

That's fun. Uh...

One lady comes up, she goes, "That Womanizer stuff, you're preaching the gospel."

I'm like, "Well, I think we went to different churches."

"Ma'am." Right?

And sometimes... This dude comes up to me one time.

He goes, "There's better stuff for us out there right now."

And he shows me, he goes, "Look at this." And he showed me a thing on his phone.

It was this thing called the Autoblow AI 3000.

It was a blowjob simulator.

Right?

And so I was doing research.

-Whoo! Yeah. - Right?

For a joke. Whatever.

My wife caught me looking at it.

She goes, "What are you looking at? I'm like, "Nothing, nothing."

She goes, "Is that a blowjob simulator?"

I'm like, "Maybe." She's like, "You should get it."

"What? No. No."

"No."

And it's like $400, right?

She goes, "Yeah. But it's like a buck a pop.

That'll pay for itself in a weekend with you."

She's not wrong. She's not wrong, right?

'Cause I don't keep sweets in the house 'cause I have no discipline.

I'll walk by the cabinet, like, "I'll have one more cookie." Right?

If I had that in the house, there'd be some chafing.

That's all I'm saying. You know what I mean? -

It's crazy.

But, if I wrote a joke about it, tax write off.

Let's go. It's fine.

It's good.

"Sir, is this a $400 blowjob machine?"

"No, that is a joke."

It's good. It's fine.

No. You guys are good, man. I'll tell you.

It is a weird time for me right now, I'm not gonna lie.

It's a weird time, uh, 'cause I feel like I'm getting older.

Uh, I'm turning 50 in a couple of months.

And that's weird to me. That's just...

It's a weird number. You know what I mean? It's weird.

And I know it's just a number and I don't feel old,

but I'm doing old people shit now.

Right. Like, this is a sentence I said this week.

I went, "Man, I hope this weather holds,

so I can plant this fucking grass seed."

That's an old person sentence. Old people say that.

That is an old person sentence, right?

I used to be cool. I'm like, "We're gonna drink,

we're gonna party all night. Go all night long."

And now I'm like, "Oh, I gotta get this Vescue in before the weather turns."

It's bull...

I got bird feeders now. I have fucking bird feeders at my house.

That's bullshit. I don't even like birds.

I used to be like, "Baby, let's get busy in the middle of the day"

Now I'm like, "Baby, look. There's a tufted titwillow in the backyard."

I got a hummingbird feeder now. A freaking hummingbird.

That's the gayest of birds.

Right? They show up at 11:00,

they drink all day, the men look fabulous.

I'm hosting a drag brunch for birds!

"Get away from the windows, kids. They'll read to you."

Jesus.

Last week I went to Lowe's for no reason at all.

There's no reason.

I have no projects going on at my house.

I was just, "Let's see what's happening down at the Lowe's."

Right?

I grabbed a cart, then I got pissed

'cause none of the carts work, right? - WOMAN: Right.

The carts are going sideways.

One wheel's stuck, one wheel's not even touching the ground.

It's just fucking spinning.

And I got mad and started yelling, like, "You're fucking Lowe's!"

"You have all the tools!"

Yeah!

"Fix your shit."

I'll tell you a secret. White women know this.

Man, IKEA, they have the best carts on the planet. Those carts are amazing.

They do. They go sideways, they go backwards, they go left, they go right.

They spin, they make zero noise.

And they have one Allen wrench in the whole goddamn store.

That's witchcraft. That is witchcraft.

It's bullshit.

Oh, man. There's this one thing, man.

This one thing my dad used to do.

He used to listen to a police scanner.

You know, that's old person stuff there. That's is old people shit.

And I told my wife, I was like, "If I ever do that,

I want you to put a bullet in my fucking head."

Right?

But for the record, I do not have a police scanner.

I do have this app and it's cool as shit. It's so cool.

No, it's so cool. Because you can listen to cops anywhere in the country now.

It's amazing. Wherever shit's popping off, tune in.

It's so much fun, right?

But it's bad. 'Cause I've learned shit.

Like I know shit about cops in other places I should not know.

Right? Like I know in Indianapolis,

they just hired a dude with a speech impediment.

I shouldn't know that shit.

Right? And I know they're dicks in Indianapolis

because the guy with the lisp, car 4667

and it's the funnist shit you've ever heard in your life. -

It's so great. He comes on, he's like,

"This is car 4667, reporting for duty."

I'm like, "Yes!

Baby, come listen. He's on tonight. It's great."

It's so much fun.

But they give him bullshit calls.

They do. They give him bullshit calls, like...

You know, they'll be like, "4667.

There's a 10-56 in progress."

He's like, "Uh, roger. 10-56 in progress.

Uh..."

"This is an intoxicated pedestrian."

I'm like, "You guys are dicks. You're all dicks."

And it's a bullshit call for like two hours.

He looks around. Finally, he jumps on, he's like,

Uh, I do not see any intoxicated pedestrians."

His buddies are dicks too. They're like,

"4667. Do you need assistance."

You guys are dicks. You're all dicks.

This goes on for weeks.

Finally one night, the police chief jumps on.

Indianapoli One, that's his call sign.

He jumps on, he's like, "This is Indianapolis One. Listen up."

I'm like, "Good. He's gonna stop this shit." He's like,

"Stop messing with 4667." -

Hey, guys. My name is Dewayne White.

You guys have been an absolute blast. -

Thank you so much for coming out. -

Thank you, guys. Love y'all so much.

Have a great night, y'all.