Original subtitles

We had now reached the middle of July.

And under a canopy of blue skies,

the crops appeared to be coming along nicely.

Soon then, we'd all be rolling up our sleeves

and getting down to the job of harvesting them.

Does anyone know the way? There's got to be a way

To blockbuster

I couldn't look forward to that, though,

because I had to focus on getting the pub open.

Right, mate.

Right: jobs. Yes.

I wanna get it open by the August Bank Holiday,

end of August. Yeah.

All right? So if we keep six weeks in our head.

And there are certain things.

We're not gonna do much No.

But there are certain things we've gotta do.

For example, what we're standing on.

Repair the decking. I want it to look good.

Yeah, it'll look brilliant.

Yeah. So we've got a nice area out here.

Yes.

The next job was water.

Because the survey had revealed that if you drank it,

you'd very quickly vomit yourself to death.

This is where the borehole is.

Yeah, there's a borehole down there.

And this is water, we've been told, is poisonous.

Yeah, it's not Well, it's got some disease in, ain't it?

Yeah. It's not drinkable.

We have to get the water sorted before we can open the pub.

Yeah, you can't use that.

Alan suggested that instead,

we should tap into the main's pipe that fed the farm across the road.

That's where the water main is, in that field.

Oh, is it? In here? Yes.

Oh, well, that's not gonna be difficult to find.

No. Easy. Two minute job.

Disabled loos here. Yeah.

In front of the propane tank.

After going through the interior jobs

Stud wall. Little bar.

Change that bar.

Yes.

We then got down to brass tacks.

Oh no, you're gonna say how much now, ain't ya?

Well, I'm not worried about this. This is peanuts.

What do you call peanuts?

Well, let's just say, let's just say

10,000 to 15,000 to put a brand new decking down here and tighten it up.

Okay.

Next? Water.

The water main, we're gonna piss about that for a couple of days.

Let's just say £1,000 to get your water up here properly.

Oh, that's not so bad. Not a big deal, is it?

Next? Stud wall. And bar upstairs.

The bar and that stud wall, I think it's about five grand up there.

That's easy.

Next? Bar downstairs.

That's a bit different.

Yeah. What? Make a nice bar down there,

you wanna give me a budget on that really.

If you wanted to spend six, seven Yeah, no, exactly.

I can work that one out. Yeah.

So really, it's sort of twenty to twenty five.

Yeah, 25,000. We can make this pub

Workable, yeah.

Whilst Alan's lads set about demolishing the rotten decking,

He and I went to see if any other jobs needed doing.

And instantly, we ran into a welcome face.

G Dog!

Jeremy!

Alan!

The old general's back!

What have you done to your hair?

Did you only have five quid?

No, I got it done for ten.

I have it, I have it

But they didn't do the back. No.

No, over the top with the whole thing and then the whole thing on

On the top of that, yeah? Yeah!

You know, this one's like the age when I was about five years old.

Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here, because this

Yeah?

We just need to get this rebuilt.

Yeah. I dunno. The old 'n' still like that, though.

Do you remember this

You know, tricks you or something.

That's a long way from Chadlington to here.

'Cause I was gonna say, you can have everything from that in the cove,

I can always get 'em right.

They got an hole in it so I could tell you perhaps.

I mean, I can't be on it as well, can I?

Yeah. That would be good.

So that's what we've gotta get done.

Yeah.

We're just popping down there. We'll be back in a minute.

Yeah, okay. I'll see you in a bit.

Lovely. Won't be long.

With the pub renovation underway,

I got back to the business of providing it with food.

Endgame would eventually have his own production line,

but I couldn't wait for that to come on stream.

So I decided to go to my first ever cattle auction

and buy some cows.

Hello? Charlie?

Hi.

I'm just wondering, how many cows do you think I should buy?

We need between six and seven. Maybe eight.

Okay. Erm, so I'll get eight cows

And these are store cows? People will

Yeah, you don't want to buy store store.

You wanna buy something that actually, we can finish fairly quickly.

What? I literally don't know what you mean. What does that mean?

We want something that's only about two months away

from being fat to slaughter. Right.

Because, erm So a fat cow is ready to go?

Yeah. A store cow is on its way

to being ready to go? Correct.

All right, thanks, Charlie. Good luck.

Bye. Thank you.

I still wasn't totally sure what Charlie was on about,

but there was no need to panic,

because Harriet had kindly agreed to come along

and hold my hand.

But you don't drink coffee.

No. Tea.

I can't believe a Yorkshireman doesn't drink tea.

I do drink tea.

And we started

by going through the breeds on sale.

Charolais and Angus. Yeah.

That any good? Yeah.

These were run on moorland at altitude. Yeah.

So it's telling you they're coming down, aren't they?

So you always want animals to come down in altitude rather than going up.

Because say if you've got sheep and it's been bred on high altitude,

it could go to lower altitude.

But if you had a lower altitude sheep,

you wouldn't want to put it on high altitude.

Why not? Because it wouldn't survive.

It's not used to that altitude.

What, because the air is thin?

Yeah. It's just not used to it. So sheep just die, don't they?

So if you put it somewhere with a higher altitude it'll probably just drop dead.

Belgian Blues, I read about those. Yes.

Last week. There's something wrong with them.

What's wrong with them?

It was in The Times.

Foot and mouth, that's coming back round. I don't know.

But that wouldn't just be in Belgian Blues.

Oh, here we are.

They're called XL Bully cows.

A muscle bound foreign cow, dubbed the XL Bully,

could replace UK breeds under secret research plans.

Belgian Blues can weigh up to a 197 stone,

equal to a small rhino,

and are bred for extra meat.

But Belgian Blues have also been behind

a series of savage attacks.

Ex Home Secretary David Blunkett, who's blind,

suffered three broken ribs

as he protected his guide dog from a charging cow in the Peak District.

'It was a massive European breed, I could have been killed.'

So Belgian Blues are dangerous.

You're not gonna buy in anything nasty anyway.

We then went to the pens to look at the cows themselves.

Morning. Hiya.

I love the adverts.

Mobile sheep dipping.

Slurry systems.

So

Look at the back on that, right?

That's what you're looking for.

It's a flat back like a tabletop, ain't it?

So we don't wanna see a spine. We don't wanna see any bones.

You don't want them to be pot bellied. Urgh, that's the worst.

Yeah.

You don't want them to be pot bellied.

You just want them to look muscley.

There? Yeah.

So you're gonna get your steaks throughout it.

So what you want to be looking at

is the meat to fat ratio.

Following Harriet's advice,

I made a long shortlist of the cows I thought Charlie would want me to get.

Three, six

And then, I was given a crash course

in how to bid.

You need to play it by ear.

You know, say he's starting off at £1,200,

don't bid, because then they'll bid you up.

Who will? The other buyers.

'Cause they'll know you want them cows 'cause you've put in your bid.

So you wanna wait until the last minute to put in your bid.

How do I know when the last minute's coming?

'Cause when he's stuck at a number,

you'll know that it's not going any further.

That's when you'll go

How do I go?

That?

Eyebrows. Don't bid on anything we don't want.

Because he'll take this as a gesture.

So you can't be going, like, putting your hand up or itching your nose.

Oh, he'll think that's a?

He'll take that as you wanting to buy it.

All right.

And then we'll be going home with twenty of the wrong cows.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, make a start.

You see that TV up there? Yeah.

That's gonna tell you what lot number you're on.

Okay, good. That's useful to know.

And that was the last thing I understood,

because at that moment, the auctioneer started speaking.

1,060, 1,060, 1,070, 1,070, 1,080, 1,090, 1,100 for the bid,

1,100 for the bid, for the bid.

1,120, 1,120 for the bid, 1,130, 1,140, 1,140.

1,140, 1,150, 1,155.1,155, 1,160 for the bid, 1,160 for the bid.

At 1,180 for the bid, 1,185, going now at 1,210.

1,215, 1,225, at 1,220 for the bid, sold, sir. Name?

Not one word.

Not one word. Twelve twenty five, £1,225.

1,160 for the bid in Uttoxeter,

1,160 for the bid.

Does he talk like this to his wife when he wants her to pass the marmalade?

I don't know. You should ask her.

You there, pass the marmalade.

Children, do your homework.

I'm going upstairs for a shit now, and then I'm gonna wipe my bottom,

and then I'm gonna come downstairs, and then we'll have our supper,

and then I'm gonna watch EastEnders, and then I'm gonna

For the bid, 40 for the bid. Sell, Showby, 1,240.

Right, these are good.

That's the bid for 1,320.

1,350, 1,350, 1,350

Are you bidding?

A hundred bid, a hundred bid, at 1,600 now, ten!

1,610, 1,620, 1,620 bid, 1,620.

1,620, 1,620, bidding, and going, the lady's bidding,

sell away at 1,620.

We got them. 1,620.

I'm sorry, did you just buy them? Yeah.

Well

1,620. So you've got two at 1,620.

234, 1,620.

How were you bidding?

Were you just letting your toenails grow and he saw it?

I mean, I didn't see Oh, hello.

That's a nice beast.

At this point, I decided it was time to pull rank

I'm supposed to be bidding.

And do some buying myself.

1,120.1,130.

1,130 for the bid.

I'm leaving you to it.

£1,150.

1,150. 1,150 for the bid.

Stop putting your hand up! 1,150.

Nearly twice, nearly twice.

Did I buy that? You bought it twice, yeah.

You bid yourself up.

Shit.

Seventy bid, seventy bid, seventy bid fifty

Nevertheless, I continued on my own.

1,270, Diddly Squat.

I'm pleased with that. He's a good looking cow.

10, 9, 10, 20 bid. 50 bid, 40 bid, and £940.

And 60

Did I buy those?

Yeah.

20 bid, 80 bid, and 90 bid,

and 90 bid, and 90, and 100 bid, and 100 bid

Until eventually

60, Diddly Squat, 1,260.

So, you've got one, two, three, four, five, six

You've got eight.

So we're done. We're done.

With the money handed over and my cows being loaded,

I asked Harriet to explain one last thing.

When I bought one of those cows,

a man came over and gave me forty quid. Hm.

Why did he do that? It's luck money.

So when you buy someone's cows,

they give you luck money as an incentive to buy them.

So it's cash money he's just given me?

Yeah. No tax. I like him.

Well, there is now, 'cause I've just put it on television.

HMRC are watching. We'll give it him back.

Having said goodbye to our part time Diddly Squatter

Take care of yourself. Yeah. See you later.

I headed back to the farm with my new cows

Come on, new cows.

and waited for Charlie to shower me with praise

for a job well done.

Check 'em out.

Those two limousines are cracking. They're really good.

They'll finish quite quickly. They're the ones Harriet bought.

Who chose the other ones? Harriet? I did.

Don't you think this one's pretty cool?

No, it hasn't got a round rump on the back. It's bare.

Oh.

What about that one?

Again.

What's the matter with that one?

They're not big enough yet.

They've got good frames, but they need to pack some weight on.

Oh.

There were some fat cattle at the market.

Yeah, but you said don't get fat ones. I said buy fat ones to you on the phone.

You said: Get store store cattle, late store, not fat.

I said the first couple need to be a month from being finished.

So if they'd have been fat, they'd have been finished?

Oh, God, have I done it wrong?

Well, we've not done it right.

So we might be lucky

to finish those brown ones by the end of August.

This one, probably six months.

No? Six months?

Charlie said the only way to get them ready for the pub more quickly

was to put them on a high intensity bulking up diet.

You need to change this.

Okay.

We're going to make you big, fat cows.

While Charlie went off to organise that,

I headed back to The Windmill

for my first meeting with Sue and Rachel.

You've got to look at it as a machine here.

And we definitely want it to look great.

Together, they specialise in setting up pubs in the Cotswolds

and now I needed them to get mine off the ground.

A much more immediate problem: I want to get this place open in five weeks.

Well, obviously it's quite daunting.

It's not ideal, is it? But we'll do it.

Sue then outlined how efficient the operation would have to be.

You know, we're gonna seat or serve 150 people in here.

A hundred on the terrace.

Yeah.

Two, three, four times a day. Yeah.

So for every meal that's coming out of that kitchen,

there's gotta be an efficient machine, because the food has gotta whiz in,

everyone knows what they're instantly doing with it, do it,

shove it out the front door.

I then showed them the kitchen,

which, I assumed, was already full of everything we'd need.

This back cook line, I think to do the numbers that we're talking about,

needs to be vastly improved.

A new six burner. A chargrill.

Probably a salamander grill on the wall.

Definitely a salamander grill.

This Rational, we need another one of at the other end of the kitchen.

So you need two of those?

How much is this? That's like a mega oven.

How much is it? Seven grand?

What? For an oven? But it's a really amazing oven.

How can you possibly spend seven thousand

on an oven? It's a chef's favourite toy.

How much do you think we'd need to spend in here?

Well, if we're having brand new kit

Seventy five to a hundred grand. A lot of money.

Sorry, my ear's like Slash a bit of rented

Yeah! It is a surprise, I know that.

Seventy five to a hundred It's a bad time for ears!

I'm sure you said a hundred thousand.

But we could probably halve that for reconditioned.

Less than fifty. Thirty five to forty.

With a bit of reconditioned, a little bit of not of spec.

And will that be able to do carvery cooking at weekends?

Yeah.

So what goes in here then?

We'd keep this, obviously. This is prep, yeah.

Oh, so this is food prep? Yeah.

It's really disgusting. Look at this floor.

This is not new dirt, this is old dirt.

It's filthy. Look in that fridge. It is disgusting.

Filthy.

We've got to line all these filthy walls.

It's cheap and cheerful. It's just cladding.

You need to get a new fridge.

I mean, one of the things, you know we're gonna put the shop in here.

What? Lisa's shop.

We need that area. We've got so much to store.

There's spare furniture, spare glassware.

No, no, no, she can't have a shop in here.

The thing is, we do need a lot of storage. We've got

What storage? Napkins, crisps.

Spare crockery, dry store.

Millions of glasses, stacks of blue roll, loo rolls.

Millions of things.

You need storage.

This is what people don't see in pubs. No.

You see sort of a smiley waitress pulling a pint.

That is about one per cent of it.

And the rest is mostly

Shit. Lisa's not gonna be

Stacking chemicals!

Shit.

How are you gonna break it to her? 'Cause I don't think

I'll do what I always do.

I think of a solution and then tell her the solution.

If I tell her the problem,

I'm beaten about the head and neck with blunt instruments.

After slotting that problem into my mental microwave,

I went to find Alan

Oh, man.

God Almighty. Urgh.

who'd messaged me to say the pub's septic tank was full

and also broken.

All right, chaps? All right, Jeremy.

Hello, lads.

What is all this shit?

That's the fibreglass tank.

That's the baffle that has collapsed inside.

Go on over, Jeremy, and have a look down 'em holes.

You have a look down there.

Oh my fucking

I know!

Unbelievable. Oh, God.

Fuck me, man.

A lot of the problem with this is grease.

That's what you can smell, grease.

Is that what that is, that sharpness?

Grease? That smells like shit to me.

That's probably what's collapsed the baffle inside, the weight.

What's a baffle? The weight of it.

It separates the shit from the water.

Is he pumping it out now? Yeah.

And that's going in your wagon up there? Yeah.

We're gonna put some new pipes in it to make it work again.

Okay.

You gotta bear in mind this was the sixties or seventies.

Never been cleaned out a touch.

That's been collecting grease and shit for

Since the pub opened in the eighties.

But the tank was here beforehand.

Fifty odd years. Yeah.

Oh, look. Somebody's dropped it down the bog.

It might still work. It might still work, he said!

We've got a new telephone! Oh my fucking God.

No, no, no, I don't believe it.

Shit.

He's in there. That man is in there.

Yes!

How does he breathe? He's going on holiday tomorrow.

He's going to Greece tomorrow.

But the trouble is He's going to Greece tomorrow!

Yeah, and he'll stink of grease for a week now.

So he could have done any job in the world.

Yeah. But he went, No.

But we've been in the shit all our life.

Hi. You all right?

Well, I'm better than you.

Coming in? Yeah, yeah

I'm too fat, mercifully.

Unbelievable.

Guys, you're amazing. Amazing, amazing work.

There you go, boss.

Over the following days,

work on the pub continued at an industrious pace.

But it is a shitty shithole at the moment, isn't it?

And in amongst all the manual labour,

Sue tried to find a chef

Cooking

And Lisa went shopping for furniture.

I'm a big fan of the French bistrot table.

This is a nice base as well. We could get a piece of marble on there, couldn't we?

Gosh, what are you doing to me?

Look at this.

I, meanwhile, had to prepare the bulking up diet for the new cows,

which first of all meant a trip over to the Hawkstone brewery.

And how much do these weigh?

Nearly a ton.

where Mark the brewer had boxed up

some suitable ingredients.

So what we've got in each of these

is what's called brewer's grain.

And that's a waste product from the brewery.

Half a ton in this one, half a ton in that one.

And then you take that over and feed it to the cows.

And there's a circularity then.

So waste product feeds cows,

cows get fat, cows shit on field,

grow barley in field, bring it back here, make it into beer.

It's just so sustainable.

I'm basically Greta Thunberg but in wellies.

Back at the farm, I met up with sous chef Kaleb,

so we could start making the cows their mega meals.

So this mixed up with the barley

that we couldn't sell last year 'cause it wasn't good enough for beer.

Literally roll that, though. Roll it.

And then molasses. Yeah.

For that treacly taste.

To make this stuff palatable for them. Yeah.

And then the waste product from making our vegetable oil.

Yeah.

Or How's this for an idea:

why don't we just buy them a Wetherspoons' breakfast every day?

In order to get the cow catering underway,

Charlie had ordered in a giant rural Magimix.

Hiya. How're you doing, mate?

Yeah, good. How are you? James.

Hi, there. Jeremy. How are you? James. How are you doing?

So it's like a big hoover.

Suck your barley in,

suck your rape meal in, mixes it all up, then it all goes in the centre.

Oh, it mixes it in there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I've got minerals and molasses to go in as well.

That is so satisfying.

I could do this all day.

Shall I break it up a bit? Yeah.

I love the idea of cooking with a lorry.

Gordon Ramsay,

Marco Pierre White,

Angus Steakhouse, they don't cook with lorries.

And there it is.

Cow food.

At feeding time, later that afternoon,

we added in the brewer's grain

You just sprinkle that over the top like this.

And dinner was served.

Moo cows!

This is it.

Mmm! Delicious!

Look!

Yes, look at that. Eat it up.

Look! Look!

How delicious is that with the molasses in it?

I can see them getting fatter and fatter.

They love it, look.

They really do love it.

Over at the pub,

nearly every surface you could walk on was out of bounds.

So I headed outside to clear the undergrowth

with my favourite companion.

There you go!

Yes! The emotional support unit is back!

And he's hungry.

Sadly though, my therapy session was cut short by Sue and Rachel

who called me in for an urgent chat.

Well, first on our list,

covering the deck with some jumbrellas.

We needed to sign it off about forty minutes ago

to guarantee the jumbrellas arriving in time.

How much are the jumbrellas? These are the big umbrellas, yeah?

Yeah, three enormous umbrellas to cover the entire deck.

Yeah?

Approximately £40,000.

Including electrics,

lighting,

future proofing, ready for three phase if we ever get it.

We have spoken to Alan about it, but not installation.

Sorry. You're saying words.

Forty thousand for three umbrellas?

Yeah. They're massive. Eight metres.

£40,000 for three umbrellas?

Yeah.

If you didn't cover the terrace and it was raining, no one can eat there.

No, I'm well aware that we need umbrellas, I know that,

but I really genuinely believe that's nuts.

What we were trying to avoid was having

Because we could cover that deck a lot more cheaply

with more of a parasol type situation.

Yeah. But given the size of the deck,

we would need probably fifty.

So it would sort of just look like a sea of umbrellas.

Plus the table's probably that shape.

The brolly's round in the middle. A lovely bit of sun, no probs.

So Sue's getting soaking wet. I'm okay.

Rachel's in. You're wet. Yeah.

End of. How have I reached this point in life?

Have you come round to the brollies now you've said it?

No, I just cannot believe I'm 64 and somebody's just said to me,

in all seriousness:

Oh, by the way, the umbrellas are forty thousand.

You can buy a fucking Golf GTI for that. Did you sort of hope

that the purchase of the pub might be the big one?

I just thought I'd put a new bar in and open it up.

That's probably the one thing you don't really need. That bar's fine.

Erm

We haven't told you how much the furniture is yet.

Yeah. Lisa saw some lovely stuff.

Really good choices. Yeah, and how much?

Forty thousand. Yeah.

Okay, where are we on the umbrellas?

You're gonna have to give me an hour to think about it.

Okay, fine.

With the budget being blown to smithereens,

I went outside to have a catch up with Alan.

This is amazing this stuff, isn't it? It's brilliant, innit?

And you try it, look.

You really can't fall over, can you?

No. Well, unless you're pissed.

Right, do you want the good news or the bad? I know it's a beautiful view.

What?

It's fucking gone up double, ain't it?

What has? This. Over double. 'Cause of that.

What? Yeah. I'm sorry.

You're kidding. No! No, I'm not kidding.

It's gonna be over forty thousand now, from the twenty.

But look, we've got no option. They said anti slip decking.

We cannot do it without this kind of stuff, look.

And that adds £20,000? Yeah.

Yeah, it's What? That?

It's gonna add about sixteen,

plus the labour's extra, plus everything's extra.

The blades, you can't cut it, I had to keep buying blades.

Right, well, okay.

That settles this umbrella debate. You know these forty

Yeah, we're not having 'em. None of that.

No, but hold on a minute.

You know those sails that you get coming off buildings?

If you ran them from between Oh, I'll show you actually.

If you ran the sails

If you mounted them between the top of the door

and the drainpipe Yes.

If you put a slope on them

No, I'd go up. And I'd put a pole here. You can go up, then go again.

To be honest,

they've just put a sort of tented arrangement up at the Three Horseshoes.

Have they?

We gotta get 'em here and have a look, haven't we? See what they can do.

Yeah.

Clearly, the notion of opening the pub for £25,000

had been massively wide of the mark.

But there was no time to dwell on that,

because in my new role as human ping pong ball,

I had to bounce back to the farm

where we'd just had a new crop of piglets.

Holy shit!

Has she kept them all? An army of them.

One, two,

three, four, five. You wouldn't be able to count them.

Six, seven, eight, nine and then one under there, ten.

No casualties. Wow!

Look at the way they just climb all over! Oh, my God, they're so cute.

She's a great mum, though, isn't she?

I can't believe it. This is tremendous news.

Then we went over to see Richard Ham

because Dilwyn the vet had come up with a new plan for looking after him.

So here's the situation.

Richard Ham's now old enough to start having a go on his sisters

so we have to put him back in the boy pen.

Good.

But Dilwyn says if we put him straight in the boy pen,

they'll beat him up. They might even kill him.

Oh.

So he said the only way round that

is to build a little pen, which I've done here,

and then

for company, give him the smallest boy,

and Richard Ham and his friend can live together in here and they bond,

then after a week we can release them and hopefully all will be well.

Okay.

All right, Richard?

There's Richard Ham. Perfect.

Oh, well done, K.

So now, Ham is in there, okay?

Let's just see

He'll be fine.

Yeah, so these two will become friends.

Then after a week, we put them back in here

and that one will protect Richard Ham from being beaten up.

The thing about Richard Ham

is he's such a cheerful little fellow. I know.

He hasn't started riding a motorcycle yet or having fights in pubs.

I love his little monocle.

But he will.

They seem to be perfectly happy.

That one looks like a nice natured pig.

Erm

Oh! Problem! Oh! What's?

Ow

Richard!

He's just standing there. It's his brother!

It's his brother and he's supposed to be in there to make Richard safe.

Oh my God. I've never seen that before!

Deliverance was wrong.

Piggies don't squeal.

He's just finished up.

Okay, look, Jeremy.

I think he's gonna get gang raped if he stays with any of the boys.

Well, he can't go with the girls.

Well, at least he's not gonna get pregnant.

Well, we haven't really cured anything here.

We have to call Dilwyn.

Well, what are you gonna say? I'm gonna say, What shall I do?

There's a thing, yeah. Have you ever heard of a freemartin?

No.

You've never heard of a freemartin? So basically, if a cow has twins in it

Yeah. It gives birth to one boy, one girl.

Yeah? The girl comes out

not knowing what sex it is.

Now, what I'm saying is that little boy there

moved his tail to one side thinking it was a girl.

So I wonder if it could actually be trans.

What, we've got trans pigs?

This is like being in a Labour Party executive committee meeting now.

There's a thing.

Can we be farmers just for a minute?

He's got a point. I am being a farmer.

This is what happens.

Like, I was once working on a farm, yeah?

As Professor Cooper chuntered on

It basically had a penis and a vagina.

Richard Ham made another Houdini move

and escaped into the main pen with all his brothers and cousins.

So, I got on the phone with Dilwyn.

So Richard Ham,

I did as you suggested.

I built a little pen in the corner of the boy pen for him,

got another boar, put it in there,

then put Richard Ham in with that boy.

Yeah? And within a minute,

the other boar brutally raped him.

Right.

I think basically they were just being adolescent boys, aren't they really?

And they just, er

No, well, no.

Dilwyn, I don't know how things were in Wales

but in Yorkshire I never thought:

Oh, well No, at no point did it cross my mind.

And now Richard Ham was now with all the other boars.

And is he getting beaten up over there?

No, not yet, but

The way that I would do it with him:

wait and see what happens now he's with the big group.

'Cause if he's okay with the big group, that's your problem sorted really.

All right.

Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye, bye. Okay. Bye.

Fortunately, my next animal job was much more straightforward

because it involved the goats,

who for the last few weeks had been in their training pasture

getting used to their hi tech invisible fence.

Right, here's the pasture, okay?

This is where they are.

There you go, look.

That Elon's death ray is keeping them where we want them to be.

Right, come on, goats.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

Now they were fully compliant, though,

I could release them to do the job I'd bought them for in the first place.

Come on, goats.

Come on, goats.

Which was to clear the brambles

in all the inaccessible parts of the farm.

It turns out goats are really good on a hill.

That's kind of the point!

So this is it.

Now we're on Operation Clear, where we would never ever be able to fence.

Look at that in there.

They're ravenous, aren't they? That is just goat paradise.

How much of the area have they got here then?

Well Look at the app.

I don't have the app. I've got it.

It's a bit less than an acre.

A hectare rather.

Yeah, yeah, no, 'cause you want them to just graze certain areas down

and then move them through.

So it's like mob grazing.

But this is what we got them for, is to nail these brambles.

And within, what, five minutes,

that bramble bush is really in trouble.

That's fantastic.

Apart from making the new cows fatter,

there were no more immediate animal management demands.

So, I turned my attention back to The Windmill,

where I'd had a brainwave.

It's only about ten to fifteen mil out of square.

In order to highlight my pub's connection to farming,

I would hang an old tractor from the ceiling.

First, though, I wanted to get it modified.

Okay, I've got the tractor

and now I need to get it chromed and lightened.

And I always think when you've got a job like that,

you're better off giving it to a little man in a village.

So I've come to a village hundreds and hundreds of miles from civilisation

where there's a very little man

who's going to do the work for me.

There he is.

Mate!

Hello! Welcome.

This is This is it?

Yeah.

That's a 35. I know it is.

That's a really nice tractor.

This, of course, where you live, is called modern, isn't it?

Out here, it's a fine thing! People going:

Look at this. Is that internal combustion?

We have worse than this turn up. Now look 'ere.

We have worse than this turn up for restoration. We're not Welsh.

It is Wales. It's not Wales.

I crossed the M5 about four hours ago.

The M5 isn't the boundary. It is the bor

It isn't. It is.

It's not Welsh people on one side of the M5

and English with bows and arrows on the other.

Well, it is.

Once we'd sorted out several hundred years of politics and geography,

we got back to my tractor.

So we've gotta get it down to under 750 kilograms

or I'll pull the roof down.

If we take all the internals out, everything,

prop shafts, everything

And then chrome the bonnet and the wheel arches.

Which bits do you want to chrome?

The red bits.

Oh, right. So you don't wanna chrome all these bits?

No.

Yeah! I think that should be Hammerite.

Black? Well, you know, that

Is it Hammerite?

Hammerite is It's your world, this.

Yeah, it is! Yes, I know.

This is so weird!

That's your world now and that's my world now.

Now, you've gotta get this done before panto season starts.

Does that mean the cust

So when are you off to Swindon?

I'm not going to I'm not. You are. You are.

You know you're in the show? In what way?

Oh, in a big way.

Well, how can I be in it? I haven't done anything in it.

No, you have, but you just don't know you have.

Your contribution is immense, I've gotta be honest with you.

Immense and in some ways not dignified.

Right.

Once the tractor was off,

the conversation turned to my least favourite topic.

Right, do you wanna talk prices and budget?

We can do. It's filthy money.

On that pub, everything costs too much money.

Good. Well, we can keep up with that. Yeah.

I mean, are we talking hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands or millions?

Tens of thousands.

Tens? Probably be up to about twenty.

No? Twenty? What, to chrome it? What?

Yeah, to strip it all down, take all the gubbins out from the inside.

That'll have to be machined.

I could have done it.

£20,000 to paint a tractor?

Well, the point is, as your bank balance is taking a bit of a beating,

let's keep it going.

Why give up? Then it'll have time to strengthen like that

and then it'll be resistant, and it'll be harder to get anything out of it.

Whereas now, it's floppy and weak.

Be sensible. Be sensible. Wounded.

Otherwise I will be on the front row at the Wyvern.

I'm not doing that.

And I will be making observations about your performance as Buttons.

I'm not doing panto. How much is the paint?

The paint's gonna be at least three grand a litre.

A litre? A litre for chrome paint, yeah.

Why didn't you tell me before I set off

that it was going to be more than the GDP of most European countries?

Because then you might not have come.

I wouldn't have come. You have and you've brought the tractor.

So basically, you've lowered your plums into my vice.

And I've nipped it up a little bit. And now

If this was a normal farmer coming,

then you wouldn't be saying £20,000.

Well, what normal farmer would chrome his tractor, you pillock!

Erm

Since we were now only five weeks from opening,

I was forced to agree to Buttons' terms.

On the good news front though,

Sue and Rachel had found me a chef.

His name was Nick, and like them,

he had vast experience of getting pubs up and running.

How many pubs have you opened? Ten.

So you've got a place in Stratford? Yeah.

But you can come and help us get this one going?

Oh yeah, a hundred per cent. The place in Stratford runs

Er, it runs with just me overseeing.

At the moment

Worryingly, Nick then pointed out that getting my pub open

would be harder than any of the others he'd done in the past.

What fills me with living dread

is the initial conversation I had with you,

is you have seventeen cows, you wanna sell them in the pub.

It's how we sell those cows.

What?

We can't sell them in all of their constituent parts.

Why can't we just, erm

If you're gonna serve 300, 350 people here in one day,

we can't hold

twenty portions of shin of beef So you can't do beef heart, ox tongue?

Twenty portions We end up with a menu of a hundred dishes

which is like completely unachievable.

So on a regular rolling basis, we need to be serving one cut from a cow.

Now, what are you doing with the rest of the cow?

Hold on. Oh, my God al fucking mighty. This is complicated.

So if we slaughter a cow, take it to the butcher's

What I'd want is parts of that cow in large quantities

for a finite period of time.

For one week we'd be serving rump steaks,

so for that week, all I want are rump steaks.

The following week, we can change the menu, we can switch.

We can move on to a sort of slow cooked feather blade of beef.

But again, all I want for a week is the feather blade cut.

The kitchen operation has to be simple.

People need to be served reasonably quickly,

both for their own enjoyment, but also for your business.

To turn, yeah. You feed people, you turn the table.

This has really worried me now. Because I thought if we got

fifty farmers round the country, we say: We'll take your beef.

Yeah?

We'd have enough to feed fifty thousand people.

But what we're actually doing is only taking one thing.

I mean, at the farm shop with the burger van, we just mince everything.

Yeah. Fillet, the whole lot goes in there.

Which is not commercially viable in a pub.

Nobody who owns a pub anywhere is mincing a fillet.

It's commercial suicide. Fuck's sake.

And then, but what actually do you do with the rest of the cow?

Exactly. Well, that

To a certain extent that's not my problem, that's your problem,

because this is your idea of how to run the business.

Ah, but it's my idea based on absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.

It's becoming clear.

The concept of serving the nose to tail of your cows in this pub

does not work.

So, two weeks earlier,

Sue and Rachel had given me a big problem.

You know we're gonna put the shop in here?

What? Lisa's shop.

We need that area. We've got so much to store.

And now Nick had handed me one that was even bigger.

I urgently needed to sort these things out,

but I didn't have time.

In you get. Go on.

Because I had to get back to the farm to weigh the cows.

This is the weigh scales then, and you've set it up.

To make sure their new diet was making them fatter.

Start session. Look.

What's the ideal slaughter weight for them?

Roughly between about six fifty. Oh, okay.

Here we go.

Go on, then.

What's the ear tag? 105 386.

And that one weighs

468.

He's lost weight. Hey?

As the weighing went on,

I realised this wasn't a one off.

What was the weight?

Four six two.

He's lost two kilograms.

Fucking hell.

Go on.

472 kg.

Right, that's lost four kilograms.

Why are they losing weight?

There we go.

Four ninety.

That's only put on 1 kg.

Fifteen days he's put on one kilogram.

Oh, shitting hell.

Minus 7? Minus 14 there, look.

Go on.

Nobody's gonna be eating these any time soon.

No. That's not good.

What are we gonna do with you?

They've worked out that if they get fat they go off to market.

So they've given themselves bulimia.

Shit.

It turned out that shit actually was the issue,

because Dilwyn said their new superfood was giving them diarrhoea.

You're giving them too much high powered food

and it's just basically going straight through them.

So it's like me having a vindaloo really.

What you're feeding them isn't doing any good,

'cause it comes straight out the backside.

Then, with the harvest looming,

we went on a crop walk.

And that was a disaster as well.

Oh, my God.

Is that a slug? Oh, shit.

No.

That's not good. That is not good.

You've got ergot in your wheat.

That is a hallucinogenic fungus growing in the wheat.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Bravely, I left Kaleb and Charlie

to deal with the LSD in our wheat

and our bulimic cows

and went back to the pub

to sit in the sunshine with a glass of thinking juice

to sort out the problems there.

And eventually, I had a brainwave.

Tent!

What was needed

was an urgent call to The Grand Tour's Mr Wilman.

I call him Reg. Don't ask why.

Hello? Reg?

Yeah?

Erm

You know The Grand Tour tent?

Yeah?

Do you know where it is?

Well, it's in a warehouse.

I mean, it's tucked away in a warehouse.

I mean, we can't get rid of it.

With the vast Grand Tour tent erected on the pub's lawn,

we'd not only have somewhere for Lisa's shop,

but also space for a butcher's and Annie's burger van,

so I could sell the cuts of meat not needed in the pub's kitchen.

We can then transfer it to there and there, all in the same operation.

Yeah. So when a cow comes here,

all of it is used.

This is the right direction, definitely.

What I'm saying? Yeah.

That is good, yes.

The Grand Tour tent!

That's a shitload of tent.

Fucking hell.

Is that the whole thing?

No, there's another load to come. What?

All right, keep coming!

Now, just four weeks before opening,

we were finally back on track.

Check it out!

Here we go.

We're off.

How do you feel about an antler chandelier in the carvery room?