All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S04E05.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

It was now the middle of May

and although everything appeared to
be wonderful at Diddly Squat Farm,

my dream of buying a pub and getting
it open by the August Bank Holiday

was slipping away.

My office looked like the war room
from Winston Churchill's bunker.

There's the Coach & Horses.

But instead of Nazi
tank divisions,

my walls were plastered with
photographs of local hostelries

that were up for sale.

There's something
wrong with all of them.

Erm, oh yeah, there's The
Quiet Woman. Not really a pub.

It's not really what I want. That! The
Boxing Hare, is slightly too small.

Merrymouth, slightly too
big. Where else are we?

Duke at Clifton's
got access problems

and another pub that isn't
quite as good as The Windmill.

But would I spend what is a very
considerable amount of money

on a dogging site?

I'll say, Come on, families. Come
and enjoy this farm fresh food.

Excuse that couple in the
Austin Maestro there.

It's so annoying.

If we could get West
Oxfordshire District Council

to lose the picnic
site, declassify it,

that's perfect.

But it's West Oxfordshire
District Council.

Reluctantly, I asked Charlie
to find more options

And spent the next couple of
days doing farmering jobs.

Sick at heart and lonely

Deep in dark despair

Thinking one thought only

Where is she?
Tell me, where?

What you're saying is because
the bonnet is electric

and the handbrake is electric
Yeah.

There has to be a secondary battery?
Yes.

And that's what went wrong?
That's what went wrong.

Most of the chores
were pretty routine

But, at this time of year,

there's always one I
really look forward to.

Today is the day!

Cows, you're going out.

It's been winter, winter,
winter, winter, winter,

winter, winter, summer.

I know, amazing.
No spring.

Missed spring.
Summer!

In you go.
Get in.

Get on.

Today is Freedom Day!

God, it's just Look how
beautiful everything looks.

I know. It's perfect. Just makes
me happy to live in England.

Look at that. Look at this.

Now, what's interesting is

Kaleb was saying if we don't get
them out there like now, these cows,

this grass will be
too long for them,

which I can't understand at all.

I don't know how grass
could be too long.

G Dog!

Always nice to see the
G Dog out and about.

Right, are we ready?
I sure am.

Right, cows.

Come on, be excited. It makes
me happy when you're excited.

Hey up!
You're out, you're out. Look at that!

Beautiful.

Oh, that sound!

Listen, listen.

Well, they may not have
danced and run around,

but that's quite satisfying.

Back at the yard

Straight. Straight.

Whoa!

I asked Kaleb to
explain the grass issue.

'Cause I still don't understand
why they won't eat long grass.

No, it's basically the sheep
like it like this long.

Cows like it like this so they
can get their tongue round it

and pull it out and get the
most nutrition out of it.

If it gets to here, the
plant nutrition is down here.

The top is bulking to get to seed, and
there's no nutrition in that really.

And the cow knows,
if that makes sense.

Well, that is, honestly,
they're properly into it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

With the last of
the cows freed

And there they are!

We moved on to
releasing the goats

Who first needed a
bit of a lecture.

Now, what we're going to do, instead of
using an electric fence to keep you in,

we're going to fit each of
you with an electrical collar.

And then, if you go near the end
of the boundary I've prescribed,

you'll receive an
audible warning

that you are approaching
the boundary.

And if you continue to persist
with your escape attempt,

you will receive
an electric shock.

So I suggest when you get your
audible warning, you turn around

and head back into the area
that I have prescribed.

Are you with me?

That went well.

Whoa!

Now, stand still.

Have you managed to get one on?
Yep.

Don't eat my shirt.
Don't eat my shirt.

With the collars fitted, we
headed off to the goat field

and on the way, I
gave Lisa a TED talk

about how they worked.

They detect a satellite.
Yeah?

And then I tell the satellite
where their field is.

And if they stray outside those
boundaries, they get an

Oh, shit.

That's the tree
that's been planted.

Right where I need to go.

Fucking hell.

What tree?
You know Jill?

Oh, yes.

Okay, just to explain. There's
one of our neighbours who

Two lovely flat coat labs.

She's lovely. She had two lovely
labradors and was in a mobility scooter.

And she came up and down
the footpath every day

I don't know, four times a day.

One of her dogs died and she said,
Would it be okay if I buried it in

on your farm, 'cause
it loved it there?

And I said yes. And she wanted to
plant a tree, which she has done

exactly in

Oh, fuck.

That's in a really bad Oh, the
goats are going to eat the tree.

They're going to eat the tree.

Jesus, Jeremy.

Bollocks.

They teach you maths and
science and algebra at school.

They don't teach you what to do

when somebody has buried
their dog on your farm,

and you need to move
the dog's gravestone.

Hmm

Right now, though, I
needed all my brain power

to make the goat collars work.

Because, I had to
download an app

that allowed the solar powered
collars to speak to the satellite.

And then, draw up the lines of
their invisible perimeter fence.

We're gonna put the
satellite line across there.

Yeah?
Yeah.

And, just as I finished
battling through all that,

Lizzie the goat lady arrived.

Hi, Lizzie.
Hi, Lizzie.

Hi, how are you?
Have you heard of these fences?

I've heard of them. I've not actually
been able to use them before.

So it will be really
interesting to see how it goes.

Do you not use them?
No, no.

We need a guinea pig, which
is what you guys are doing.

Yes, exactly. I mean,
I am interested in

'cause I don't believe in apps,
and I don't believe in satellites.

Yeah. We'll soon find out
what it does, I guess.

Yeah.

You know what they're like,
they're so inquisitive.

Curious, yeah.
They don't stay still for long.

Here we go, look.
There you go.

That must be beeping
now. Can you hear it?

There you go.

That sound is gonna
drive me nuts.

It's like a really creepy ice cream
machine with a clown driving it.

Well, hang on, hang on.
He hasn't been shocked.

He has!
There we go. He has.

He's come back.
Didn't like it.

No way! Wow.

With the goats now safely
hemmed in by Elon Musk

and the cows dining
on fresh, sweet grass,

I felt happy about
our morning's work.

But the mood then soured

Because I received a call
from the Merchant of Doom,

saying he needed
an urgent meeting.

We have some pretty
significant news.

Here we go.

The Windmill.

You know, after we met the other day,
Neil and I had a chat. So Neil just

This is Neil Warner, the
planning advisor that we have.

Neil then phoned West
Oxfordshire District Council.

They said we could get
rid of that agreement

that allows people to
come and picnic there.

West Oxfordshire District Council
Yeah.

Have said we can get
rid of the picnic site?

Have said they're happy to get
rid of the agreement, yeah.

It's I know.
Do they know it's me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. They said

In fact, they were quite funny.

They said, We don't wanna
meet him. What do you want?

What? Just in a phone call, they
just went, We'll get rid of it?

They are drafting the paperwork.

What?

I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

What I'm sorry.

We've had four years of them
saying no to everything.

And now we ask for something
that's actually quite contentious,

and they go, Yeah,
that's fine.

Er I mean

I mean, I know it's a dogging
site and they don't want

Well, it's quite renowned, isn't
it, even within West Oxfordshire.

So they're very happy to

Fucking hell.

So we can go ahead and buy that now.
Yeah.

Charlie, this is fantastic news.
I know, I know.

It is really positive.

Now I think

You know I was concerned
that you were buying this,

The Windmill, the pub.
There's lots of

We'd have had to have
put in public lavatories.

Public lavatories.
With holes drilled

already in the cubicles
for the gentlemen.

I wouldn't have advised that.

Oh, man.

I said to Lisa, when we were letting
the cows out this morning, I said,

I just know today's
going to be a good day.

But at no point did I think
it would be this good.

It's good. I mean

That is Honestly, I'm
just I'm staggered.

Leaving Charlie to get on
with the pub paperwork,

I turned my attention
back to the soil,

because, with my new Lambo
now running smoothly,

I could have yet another
crack at my most jinxed crop.

So now, for the third time,

I'm going to attempt to
drill this infernal GS4,

which, as I've mentioned
in the past, is, erm

well, it can be used
to feed sheeps and cows

but is mainly used

to put nitrogen into the soil.

At the GS4 field, I met
up with the farm manager,

so that we Well, he could
activate the mended sat nav.

That is your button to engage your GPS.
Yeah.

Okay? But for now, we're gonna
go into this little one here.

Client's name? Clarkson's Farm.
Me!

I've made you a little bit of a
Yes! Diddly Squat!

Field name: Taylor's.
That's wrong.

Yeah, it is wrong. So click it.

I have to tell it
what field I'm in?

Yes.
Does it know what shape this field is?

Not at the moment, 'cause we haven't done
the outside, we haven't drilled it once.

But then it'll learn?
Yeah, it'll learn.

So if we come back next year and drill it
again, it'll go, Oh, I know where I am?

Yeah.
Wooh!

Yeah. So, what we've gotta
do is drop your drill down.

Right, yeah.

So, this is now self steering?
Yeah.

Just drive forward.
Hit the one, yeah.

And when that button
goes white, press it.

Any minute Now.

And then hit that.
Hit that! Hit that!

Oh! Why has it suddenly roared
off? Why are we going a million?

Why is it going so fast?
What have you done?

Hit Hit that
little red button.

What red button?
Don't touch the steering wheel!

What fucking button?

Oh, fuck!

Why is it going at 150 mph?
I don't know!

Stop the tractor!

What the fuck?

What the fuck was that all
about? It was terrifying!

I was scared as well
'cause I'm in your cab!

This is why You know
these people who buy Teslas

and then drive down the
motorway watching a movie?

And then they wonder why they crash.
They crash!

Modern technology doesn't work.

I then realised that actually
it was me that didn't work

because I still had the
cruise control set at 31 mph

from the road journey up here.

Yes, go to twelve.

Twelve. Shall we just
pretend that didn't happen

and go back over there and do it again?
Yeah.

Steering engage.

And now it'll steer for you.

I'm not going in a straight line, look.
Yeah, look, it's steering you.

Look, it's doing it.
The steering wheel isn't moving.

No, the steering wheel don't move
but it controls it down on the axle.

What?

So the steering wheel
is no longer connected?

Yeah, it is. It just steers it
down on the axle down there.

Bloody hell, that's clever.

Three, two, one: lift it up.

There we go. Well done.
Turn yourself around,

until your tractor is
lined with that line there.

Okay. Drop your drill down.

Right, drive forwards. Don't
touch the steering wheel at all.

Gently drive forward.

And when that button
goes white, press it.

Any minute Now.

Watch the steering wheel.

Oh my God, look, it's
gone on the next line.

And it'll match up dead straight
without even using the earywigs,

as you call them.

So I can literally just sit here
like this and I look at that.

Yeah, as long as you remember
that my tractor's just there.

Don't hit it.
Yeah.

Charlie arrived just as Kaleb
decided I was ready to fly solo.

Hello, friend.

System engaged.

There you go, look,
it's steering it.

Right, I think I've
got the hang of this.

No more comedy errors
at Diddly Squat.

You'll have to watch Countryfile
now if you want a laugh.

Ha haa!

I feel really proud. It's
a proud moment, isn't it?

Well, it will if it grows.

For the answer to that, we'd
have to wait a few more weeks.

So I turned my attention to a
problem that needed sorting out

in the next few days.

As it now seemed
likely I'd get the pub,

I needed to increase my
meat supply which meant

buying a bull.

And now we're seeing
Now we're seeing Ben Wilson.

And on that front, I'd
had rather a good idea.

I want to take our
pedigree Shorthorn cows

and mate them with
a bigger bull,

so that we get a bigger
animal and therefore more meat

to sell in the restaurant.

That's my thinking.

Yeah.
Here's the thing.

We've got a very expensive herd.
Yeah.

They are Mercedes Benz
of cows, are they not?

They're very nice. Very good.
Okay, they're lovely.

But, I couldn't tell the
difference between pedigree beef

Yeah.
And not pedigree beef.

Yeah I agree with that.

What we've gotta do is try
and produce something that

I want good,
homegrown, local meat.

But it doesn't necessarily have
to come from a Mercedes cow.

I'm thinking, like a Kia cow.

Kia cows are good.

Kias are good cars. I mean,
there's nothing wrong with them.

As we arrived at the bull
farm, I asked a question

that I probably should
have thought of earlier.

Can I just ask,
how much is a bull?

Here? Four or five
thousand pounds.

No!
Yeah.

You've come to the most expens
You want to create a Kia cow.

Well, you've come to the
Bentley garage to get one.

So what we're doing is we're
crossing a Bentley with a Mercedes.

To get a Kia.

The bull farmer, Oliver Reed,

showed us the young
bulls that were for sale.

These are anything between
18 month and 2 year old.

These are now ready?
These are ready for

So we'd have one of these?
Yeah.

But, before we got
down to business,

he showed me what my
purchase would look like

when fully grown.

Holy shit! Jesus!

That is a unit.

He's just over 1,200 kilos.

So he's about one ton,

and then he's got a quarter
of a ton of nut sack.

And is he quite docile?
Ah, yeah.

He's quiet.

I'm not sure I'd say, Who
are you looking at? to him.

Do you wanna lead him round?
Do you want to walk him?

Okay.

But, I mean, the thing is,
he weighs a ton and a half.

It's like pulling an oil tanker.

Don't snort like that. Yeah, I hate
the Spanish as well, don't worry.

I've never been to a bull
fight. How does that sound?

God strewth, you're big.

Ah! You're so big.

Wow.

It's like being in the
presence of greatness.

Even you're standing slightly
gobsmacked, aren't you?

I'm

I mean, standing in front of
him, he's absolutely enormous.

And also magnificent.

He's Yeah.

Right, take him back
to his parking space.

We then went back to the
youngsters to choose one to buy.

Are you wanting one for breeding
females or one for breeding beef?

Beef.
Beefs.

Which one? That one?
Endgame.

Endgame?
Yeah.

He's not as heavy
but he's wider.

He's the same right through.

So he's the widest one?

And he's younger. He's one of the
youngest ones in the pen as well, so.

Oh, he's great. How
much is Endgame?

Six and a half.

You said that it wouldn't be that much.
I did say it wouldn't be that much.

What number did you say?

I said about 30% less than that.

Oh.

This is good. We're trying to
get money out of a Scotsman.

We're taking the
smallest one Maybe.

Er, the better
one, in my opinion.

It would be the best
thing on the farm.

Better even than my new tractor.

What kind's your new tractor?
A Lambo.

Oh.

You wanna go for Fendts.

Well, Kaleb's got a
Fendt. He doesn't like it.

Oh.

Do you know Kaleb was
laughing at your fencing?

He was what?
The fencing you put up for your pigs.

Yeah.

He put gates in
across the road there.

He put the posts in upside down.

I'm sorry, just say that
again, only much louder.

He put gates in across the road,
but he put the post in upside down.

Oh

Kaleb Cooper came to do a job.
Yeah.

And this little farmer put
the posts in upside down.

The great thing is
we all know that.

And I'm gonna keep that in my pocket.
Yeah?

And one day, when he's
least expecting it,

I'm gonna bring it
out of my pocket.

Okay, er, what I don't want is to
pay for any errors by other people.

No, well, no, I'm gonna
lean over this fence

and you two 'cause I'm
not very good at this.

I get in a muddle when I'm negotiating.
We're

Ugh!

So sort of think five?

I know that 6,000, 6,500 pounds is
a ridiculously large amount of money

for a brontosaurus.

But, he will be a conveyor belt.

He will produce
burgers and steaks

and joints of beef,

you know, for years.

Minimum's five and a
half, six, I'd say.

That's a lot of beef
you've gotta sell.

Five?

I tell you what I'll do. I'll
do him for five and a half,

if I can get some space penises
and bee juice when I deliver him.

I will. You're done.

We'd got five in it but you

Oh, so, have I come to soon?

Shit, I've bollocksed the
negotiation. I've just shook on

Were you still negotiating?
I was still going.

Oh, it wasn't working anyway.

But you're delivering?
Yeah.

You'll deliver him?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're coming to
Diddly Squat, Endgame.

I am so excited.

Good.

Having bought an
enormous animal,

I went back to the farm to
see one of our smallest.

And explained to Lisa my plan for
improving the quality of his life.

I've had to put Richard Ham

in with the girls 'cause he was being
bullied something rotten with the boys.

So I put him with the girls.
Yeah.

They do seem to be nicer to him.

Well, aren't they his
sisters and cousins?

Aren't they gonna be very nice to him?
Some of them are, yeah.

He is a very, very sweet pig!
He's so dinky!

Richard Ham? Richard Ham?

This is called targeted
pig feeding. Ready?

No, he can Ooh.

No, no. Watch, watch.
Come on, Richard Ham.

No, he's missed every
one. It's behind you.

Oh, he has, every single one.

He nearly got one.

There was one right under him.
No, he's just trodden on it.

Oh, Richard Ham!

Look, he hasn't had
one single morsel!

Yes! I think he got one!

Oh no! And she's attacking him.
Oh no, they're bullying him.

Oh, they are mean too.
Food is food, huh?

Targeted feeding
is quite difficult.

Determined not to be defeated,

I returned the next day

I'm going to see Richard.

Having come up with a
more ambitious solution.

Right. Richard Ham.

Look what I have brought
you. The government

The British government allows you
to eat this, Richard Ham. Here.

Richard Ham?

Richard Ham!

Come on. You're never gonna get
bigger if you don't eat food.

What about a juicy carrot?

What do you think
of this? Richard?

I build him a pen,

where he's protected from his
bigger, bullying sisters and cousins,

and it's full of tasty
morsels, and he escapes.

Richard?

Richard, look, a carrot.
I'm gonna throw it to you.

There you are.

And your sisters have eaten it.

Richard!

Would you like a potato?

Come on, Richard, please.

You're even more annoying
than your namesake.

Operation Feed Richard Ham
would clearly need more thought,

but that would have to wait.

Because the next morning,

we all had to assemble for
the arrival of my new bull.

Ready? Lisa?
Oh!

You've got a black beauty there.

Here he comes.
Shh shh.

Awesome, isn't he?

Aw! Look! He's quite small.

He is a baby.
He's a baby?

I didn't know. What's his name?
Endgame!

Er, what are we gonna
call him for short?

Endgame!

Hello, Endgame!

I mean, it's sort of Front on,
he just looks amazing, doesn't he?

On the farm front, everything
was ticking along fairly well.

Endgame would have a few
settling in days in the shed

before we released him
into the cow field.

And even though the weather
had been a nightmare,

we had managed to
plant all the crops.

And there was another Diddly Squat
project bubbling along nicely.

Lisa's new range of
perfumes and scents.

That is nice. That
really suits you.

Oh! I like that! Be careful of that.
Is it for girls or men?

That, er, it's ambidextrous.

What?
Ambidextrous.

You mean unisex?
You can't use that word anymore.

You can. Ambidextrous
means left or right handed.

So ambidextrous says it's
all manner of things.

Unisex means you can identify

as whatever the bloody hell
you like when you wear it.

I don't
You can't have

Ambidextrous doesn't mean that.

You may as well write
cauliflower on it.

And also, can I just ask,

how many Diddly Squat
ingredients have you got in here?

Oh, loads.
No, come on, be honest. How many?

Loads, look.

All of these here. Right

Erm, vanilla: we don't do.
No.

Erm, bergamot: we don't do
either. Orange oil is sweet.

We don't do.
These are the ones we don't do.

Everything else is really good.
No, you don't Lisa

The following day,

I was supposed to help Kaleb
send another batch of pigs

off to the abattoir

Come on, boss man.
Go on, pig.

Come on, piggie.
Go on.

But instead, Lisa had
me back on perfume duty.

Well, I don't know
where's the nozzle.

This time, testing out
a brand new prototype

she'd called Wet.

Hold on.
It's beautiful once you put it on.

Ogh
It's the first spray.

It's horrible.
It's not, it's just the first spray.

But it shouldn't be like that.

Well, what's gone wrong?
I don't know.

That smells exactly the same
as the tank in my Range Rover.

AdBlue or whatever it is.
Well, steady on.

That's not right.
All right, K?

Morning.
Hey, have you managed to load those two?

Is the one that's not lame gone?

Yeah, so the two boys have
gone, the one that was lame.

And then the ten girls.

Aw, sweethearts.
So ten girls.

They all went.
Two boys.

Yeah.
Brilliant.

Erm, so there's 13 in total.

I found a pig up at
the top in the quarry.

You didn't take my pig?
Hey?

That's Pigmilly. No! That's my
pet pig. You didn't take Pigmilly?

I mean, you said there was Pigmilly. I
thought Pigmilly was still down there.

Oh, she was really sweet.

Well, she's on the trailer now.

To be honest, we are running a
farm here, not a petting zoo.

I just wanted her to eat, and
the others wouldn't let her eat.

Oh, she was fat by the
time she went, don't worry.

It's okay.
You should've said.

I'm on Kaleb's side on
this one, I'm sorry.

That's why I didn't say anything because
you would have just taken her to market.

Dogs, be quiet!

Oh, that's my horn.
What horn?

All my deer horns you asked
for. I've sourced them.

What? Deer horns?
Yes!

I've not asked for
any deer horns.

Whether I had or not, moments
later, there they were.

I didn't ask for deer horns.
You

We were talking about things
we can use from the farm.

You said you only want things
from the farm in the shop.

Fallow deer, from the farm.

And that comes from the farm?
Well, no, this one doesn't. But

Not that particular fallow
deer! But aren't they beautiful?

Does it come from
within 16 miles?

Oh, it's been very
close to 16 miles.

In its day. Aren't they
gorgeous? And look.

It looks like a
fucking moose horn.

No, it's fallow deer.
Yeah, that is a caribou.

And this

Look.
It's sixteen miles in Canada!

They're treats.

That's rather beautiful.
Right, so we've got antlers,

and you've got to go back to the drawing
board slightly on your Wet, I think.

On the Wet, yeah.
Oh, does it smell bad?

It really smells of ethanol.
Ethanol. But it settles down.

Once you have it
on it settles down.

Yeah, but nobody's In a
shop that people will go in

Oh, fuck.
Yeah, exactly.

Something's gone
wrong with that.

Whilst I'd been buying bulls,

feeding Richard Ham
and testing perfumes,

such is the life of a farmer,

the surveyors had been
looking at the pub.

And soon, Charlie arrived
with their report.

We've got the full survey back,
'cause that's only half of it.

What?

Yep

It's quite Yeah.

It's quite full on.

How close are we now, do
you think, to buying it?

Er, hopefully we're gonna
exchange at the end of the week.

Hours, then. 48 hours away.
Yeah.

And now, suddenly, I've
got this New Testament.

Oh yes.
What have they suddenly found?

They've come up with
the fact that, er,

the roof,

er, is a liability.

And they've put 150,000
pounds on that to repair it.

150,000 pounds?
Yeah.

We need to spend on the roof?
Well, I think we just

Is your happiness hoover on?

There's an issue
potentially with the loos,

depending on how
many people we have,

which they

So what do they say we need
to do with the lavatories?

Reposition them, sort it out.

They think that's up
to 100,000 pounds.

What? For a lavatory?

Is it gonna be like one
of those Japanese lavatory

that wipes your bottom for you?

Nah.

There's more.
Asbestos. Yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Fire hazard.

Wood is a fire hazard?

Wood is a fire hazard.
No, I won't have that.

The Equality Act?
There we go: Equality Act.

I knew you'd pick
up on that one.

There is currently no designated
accessible parking spaces

at the property.

Designated for whom?

Er, I think what they mean
is for, er, disabled parking.

Oh, I thought
equality was race.

Equality's everything, isn't it?
Oh, is it? I dunno.

Can we cut to the chase?

So they're saying 100,000
for the lavatories

and 150,000 for the roof.

All surveys are bollocks

'cause they all say, This
house is falling down.

Well, this one didn't. This
said, This pub is falling down.

You're not funny.

But no, they do.

They just say, This building,
whatever it is, is falling down

and will definitely fall
down in ten minutes.

Because then,

if it does fall down in ten
minutes, you can't sue them.

This is just them covering their arses.
Well

So this can really just
be put this in the bin.

I'll just put it in a
file. I've got a file.

Right. I must get
on. Thanks, Charlie.

Having dealt with that meeting
with my usual attention to detail,

I checked in on Alan,

who was busy cladding my new
barn in handsome Cotswold stone.

All right?
Good to see you.

Doing all right?
Yeah, that's looking brilliant.

And I took the opportunity
to ask him about something

that had always puzzled me.

So look, when you build a big
wall, a long wall like this.

The big stones, now they're
called jumpers, hey?

Yes.

And I always say to you,
That's lovely jumpers.

But I don't know
what they're for.

What it is. Right. Say
we're coming along here,

with twos, twos and twos.

Put a jumper in, then you can put a
four and three the other side of it.

So three twos are sixes,

so you can use two
threes to make six.

But if you put a jumper
in you can change course.

If I'm running Let's
say I'm running a six inch

and I wanna put an eight
inch the other side,

you've gotta have something in
the middle so you can break it.

And it bounces us up. So

Yeah, you can't do that
with a line, can we?

What?

With the jumper function
fully explained,

I asked Kaleb and Charlie
to help me load Endgame

so he could go off to
meet his new lady friends.

There. That is exactly right.

Ready?

For them to say,
That's exactly right.

Can you come back a bit?
Oh, fuck.

Okay, that's good.

Bull control.

Gandalf is coming back out.

Do you wanna hold the gate?
Do you wanna hold that?

I assumed this would
be easy. And it was

not.

Yeah?
Come on, Endgame.

Oh!
Whoa!

Oh!
Yeah

Oh! Fuck that!
No.

No!

I'm now shitting myself.

I think We need
some Yeah, that's

I don't want him
to do that again.

Because I've never been to a bull
fight, and I never want to go to one.

We'll have to let him
calm down for a minute.

Jesus Christ, that
is a big animal.

Phew.

Any of you want any danger pay?
It's okay!

'Cause when he
starts doing that

I see him Wow.

And he's only a baby.

Ten minutes later, when he
had indeed calmed down

Good lad. Walk on.

We finally enticed
him into the trailer.

Go on, bud.
Go on, Endgame. Good boy!

And then, down at the field
where the girl cows lived,

with the film crew bravely positioned
on the other side of the fence,

we prepared to let him out.

I think he's
What if he's gay?

Look, the fact is,
he's young, isn't he?

What if he's gay?
He might be.

We'll love him just the same.
It's 2024.

Yes, I know. But I won't 'cause
he's cost us 6,000 pounds.

If he's gay

Do you get gay cows?
Er, yeah!

We'll get 8,000 pounds worth
of beef burger out of him.

Ready?
Yeah.

Here he comes.

Come on, Endgame.

He's gone the wrong way.

Endgame?

It's a pretty good
reaction, isn't it?

No, no, it's a
hopeless reaction.

Well, no, he's just calm and
he's just having a look round.

Seven ladies. They're
not even bothered.

They're not.

Ooh, hello.

Now he's realised the freedom!

He's free. He likes that.
Look at the girls!

Hello, they've spotted him.
They've all turned round!

They've spotted him.
Oh, look, he's off.

Ooh! Look at that!

What a noise.

Oh, they're chasing him!

Yep!

Nope!

Why are they chasing him?

Come on here. Come on
here! Come on here!

No, bollocks to that!

Everybody knows sex is needed but
they don't know how to have it.

He is a bit like a
teenager, though, isn't he?

Because he is a young
Well, they all are.

So they are running around
like a debutantes' ball.

Come on, Endgame.

Let's have a look
at you in action.

Oh no! It's the wrong way
round! Wrong way round!

Why did a cow mount the bull?

Wrong way round again. Wrong.

She might be on heat,
look. She might be on heat.

But she's the one that's
trying to mount him.

Is that Hashtag MeToo
this? It is, isn't it, a bit?

What is MeToo?

You know what that is.
I don't.

Hashtag MeToo?

Please tell me
you've heard of that?

Is that a porn site or something?
No!

No, it's kind of the opposite.
It's the exact opposite of that.

I don't understand. There's no
point me even talking 'cause

Ooh! It's the wrong way again.

That night I didn't sleep.

I was worried about the pub.

So the next morning, before
signing on the dotted line,

I decided I should
talk to various mates

who'd bought pubs in the past

to make sure I wasn't
making a big mistake.

Morning. Is that you?

And I started with a chap who's
been a dear friend for decades.

So have you got any advice?

People steal stuff from pubs.
Every publican will tell you.

They'll nick the salt and pepper
pots. They'll nick knives and forks.

They might even nick plates.

They'll nick any
art they can rip off

the walls.

Obviously drink
driving's an issue.

In the countryside.

In the countryside. And that's
why you want it kind of

In some central hub somewhere,

erm, where there are just a mass
of people so they can walk home,

or they can easily
get taxis home.

No, it's nowhere near
any building of any sort.

The nearest village
is five miles away.

Right. Maybe, if you're lucky,

maybe they'll relax
the drink driving laws.

You look at it, and it looks like
you're making fifty grand a week,

and then it transpires you're
losing ten grand a week.

And then the staffing issue.

Well, you know, staffing,
it's so tricky nowadays

'cause people just don't wanna work
those kinds of hours, it's hard work.

Normally they're kind of
almost overseas labourers.

So again, as long as Brexit doesn't go
through, you're gonna be fine as well.

Erm, energy costs.

Staff costs.

Ingredients costs.

Building maintenance costs.

Insurance costs.
Accountancy costs.

Er, lawn keeping costs.

Re thatching costs in my case.

Re gravelling costs.

Mending the car park costs.

Hiring the staff costs, if I
haven't said that already

The next day,

after this avalanche of
naysaying about pub ownership,

I made a big decision.

You know what this flower is?

It's mine.

This tree?

Mine.

That plant pot?

Mine.

That pub?

It's mine!

These are the keys!

I bought it!

The reason I was so happy
is that now I had the pub,

I could put the farmers'
cooperative back together.

And this time it would
be bigger and better.

Instead of buying what we
need to operate the pub

from butchers and wine merchants

and wholesalers,

we buy everything from the field

to benefit the farmer
rather than the wholesalers.

That will be good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

British grown stuff.

We could import everything from
the four corners of the planet

but we're not gonna do that.

We're not having coffee and
we're not having Coca Cola.

If it's not grown and reared in
Britain, we're not selling it.

If we get into a system of like, for
example you supply January, Feb

You supply, you know, May.

Do you see what I mean?
Yeah.

So you do the lorry and the asparagus.
Yeah.

You do the sheeps and the turkeys.
The turkeys, yeah.

Cream, milk.

Yeah.
Pigs.

You can do beef and lambs, can't you?
Yeah.

Potatoes, soft fruit, strawberries,
raspberries, redcurrants, blackcurrants,

blackberries,
asparagus, artichokes.

Rhubarb? Do you do rhubarb?
We do a bit of rhubarb.

Beef, lamb, geese, turkeys.

What about tomatoes?

We do tomatoes, yeah.

You do tomatoes?
Yeah.

Did I do your bailing last year?
You did, yeah.

Yeah. I haven't been
paid for that yet.

Haven't you?
No.

Well, I think this
is looking good.

Finally, we can actually
put this together.

We've actually got somewhere.

Yes!