All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S04E03.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

The morning after my meeting
with Cotswold District Council,

I withdrew my offer to
buy the Coach & Horses.

This was a sad day for me,

and a sad day too for
this lovely old building.

But even though I was
feeling quite deflated,

I had to turn my
attention to a problem

that was affecting every
farmer in the land:

the weather, which,
like a stuck record,

had reared its ugly
head yet again.

There have been grey
skies over farming for six months now.

The sodden ground
spells disaster.

Crops
are already rotting,

while many with livestock have
seen grazing land turn into mud.

In 2024,

the ground is simply too wet.

This time,
the problem was

we'd had almost continuous rain

throughout a mild winter.

In the past 188 years
of weather records,

we've never had a wetter February
than the one we saw this year.

And now we were into
the April planting season,

everyone was stuck.

No one could get their crops
into the sodden ground.

And it was still raining.

Mentally, financially, anything,
we can't carry on like this.

We'd been hit,
the same as everyone else.

Rain, rain, rain.

It's stopped progress. No spraying,
no fertilising, no drilling.

It just keeps on coming.

This meant my
crop chat with Charlie

was more of a crisis summit.

I don't want to go on about
rainfall 'cause we've done that

in every single programme since
we started making Clarkson's Farm.

Basically, since
you started farming.

It hasn't stopped raining.
The weather's been rubbish.

I haven't had one
proper year yet.

No.

I printed this out
from The Times.

Sick of all this rain?
You should have seen 1872.

By December 1872, after 12
months of continuous rain,

conditions in England were
little short of apocalyptic.

At least according to The Times.

In the fields, rats as plentiful
as hares ravaged the cabbages.

In Cambridge, rowers
practised in railway ditches.

Rivers flowed into the
cellars of Leicester.

The Archbishop of Canterbury was
leading emergency prayers for blue sky.

That was in 1872, okay?

And how much rain did we
have in England that year?

Roughly the same as has
fallen in the past 12 months.

Interesting, isn't it?

1872, they had the Archbishop
of Canterbury praying

For blue sky!
For it to stop raining.

That's amazing.
And now we're just sitting here going,

Oh, bloody nuisance,
this rain, innit?

We're getting used to it.
Yeah, yeah.

Anyway.

It's now April
the 3rd or 4th.

How much later can we go

before we have to
plant that durum wheat?

We're getting to a point

where the yield is
dropping off quite quickly.

And the weather forecast for
the rest of this week is rain.

Yes.

Monday, rain. Tuesday, rain.

Wednesday, rain. Friday,
rain. Saturday, rain.

It's not a
good outlook, is it?

What the fuck are we gonna do?

We haven't got the
durum wheat planted.

We haven't got the rye grass
in. We haven't got the NUM3 in.

And nor is all of
the herbal ley.

The GS4?
The GS4.

That is in. I planted it.

We might have to re-drill it.

We will have to re-drill it.

The field I did?
The field you did.

It's not growing.

I must say, I was up at
the farm shop yesterday.

No, day before yesterday.

It's quite brown.
Talking to a farmer, I said,

I've got my GS4 in. And

And he went
Expansive gesture! And he went, Where?

Well, he had a point.

The seed went onto the ground
and it's no longer there.

Shit, we need it to feed the cows.
That's the point.

If we want to feed
the cows this year,

we want the GS4 in
quite quickly as well.

But, the priority is very
easy: durum wheat, GS4.

Give me a deadline.

So if by the 24th of April
we haven't got the durum in,

that's the problem.

But we have planted
it in May before.

And the yield was

Poor.

Right.

I think that's last
year's calendar.

Why haven't we gotten
another calendar up?

I don't even
know what month that is.

I'm gonna get a calendar
and I'm gonna ring it.

24th.
There's one on your phone.

Yes, but I can't hang
my phone on the wall.

Well, you could.

On the odd day
when it didn't rain,

the fields remained
completely waterlogged.

Look how much
flooding is over here.

Yeah, all floodplain.
Jesus.

Lisa and I, therefore, used
the time to get back to pub hunting.

And, rather sadly, we
were spoilt for choice.

Every single pub owner I went to
Yeah.

Every single one said that
their pub was for sale.

Every single one.

Oh, my God. Like, so,
if you look at this, right?

Yeah?
In 1990,

there was 110 pubs
per 100,000 people.

What, in the UK?
In the UK.

And then, in 2022,

there was about 68 pubs.

So it's fallen from 110
To 68.

To 68, per 100,000 people.
Yes.

I mean, there
are so many for sale.

So many.

The first pub we
visited was a heartfelt reminder

of this sad decline.

But you're
still open, aren't you?

No, we're not now.
Oh, you're closed.

Closed on Mother's Day.

Oh, shit. I didn't Oh, shit.
Yeah.

And what made it even more sad
is that the pub was an absolute gem.

Oh wow, look at this.

This is a properly nice
building, isn't it?

It's very, very charming.

However, access to its car
park meant it wasn't right for us.

So, if it's busy and
you've got cars coming in

and cars trying to get out,
this is a gridlock right here.

I agree, I agree, I
agree. That is an issue.

This is our issue.

The next pub, another
beauty, had no parking problems,

a lovely garden, great views,

and a proper
Cotswold-pub interior.

Come and
see the garden room.

It's a good size. It
has a good flow to it.

It's very
pretty, isn't it?

It's very, very charming.
Yes.

Oh yeah, this'll do.

It's a perfect size.
It's a bar with a view as well.

It's a stage as well. Ta-da!

Ta-da! I do like a bar.

But if I wanted
to put a shop in it,

it would have to be listed by the
planners as a Class E establishment,

not just a pub.

I don't suppose you know if you're
Class E, do you, planning-wise?

Are you a pub or a restaurant?
Er, pub.

Shit.

Okay.

Lisa didn't think
this was too much of a problem.

I did, though.

While you're doing
planning permission,

we could be up and
running and busy.

No, that's true, but

If you don't ultimately get planning
permission, I end up with a pub.

Yes.

And I don't want a pub. I want a
pub and a shop and a butcher's.

Our final pub of the tour
had good-sized outbuildings

Farm shop.
Yes!

A garden with
well-aerated soil,

a great name,

and a brilliant car park.

Can you imagine having your
own personal traffic light?

There's a sensor on it, look.

I drive up

Oxfordshire, stop.

What? You think it'll think
the film crew's a car?

Yes, it did!

Look, every the
lorry has stopped.

That's stopped.

Fucking hell, I want that.

But then, we took
a tour of the interior.

I mean, let's
be honest, it's hideous.

It is the ugliest
building in Oxfordshire.

There's so many
beautiful Cotswold pubs.

Why would we buy the ugliest
building in the county?

We could call it The Ugly Pub.

Back at the farm,
the continuing rain meant

we were confined to the
office, unable to plant.

However, rain doesn't
stop pigs giving birth.

And that night, Swizz,
the pregnant sow,

showed signs that her
piglets were on the way.

Oh, my
gosh! Did you do that?

All right, get on
and do your others.

Well done, mum!

Aw

Look at that little piglet.

So that one's on, but this
one's not yet discovered.

Come on, piggies.

Get some colostrum in
you and you won't shiver.

Look for it.

There's the teats,
right down here.

Can you get it in your mouth?

Are you on?

Yeah!

Good girl.

By the time
Lisa and I arrived,

Swizz had pushed
out a total of nine.

This is looking great.

So this pig has produced
25 piglets in a year.

Amazing.
She's got a new name.

Not Swizz.
Yes!

So you
think that's the end?

She might be done.
The teats will only

She'll only have so many full
teats to match the piglets.

So this isn't one, she's
not having that piglet.

She's not having that
piglet. She's had nine.

Can they have an odd number?
I don't know if that's how it works.

What?
I don't think that's how it works.

What?
I think they all fill up with milk.

I don't think they only fill

if you've only got ten
piglets, only ten pop.

No, I don't
think that's it. No, Lisa,

a pig doesn't just
fill up its breasts

Due to how
many babies its having!

What? Only nine of
her breasts will fill up

If she has nine babies.
If she has nine babies.

Obviously.

Well, so say you had one baby,
did only one tit fill up?

It's not
the same, though.

It's not the same.

So every single
piglet in her stomach

would have been
lying a certain way

and then all go to the
teat that corresponds

to the way they were
lying in the womb.

Lisa, you're talking
absolute nonsense.

When was the last time you gave
birth to anything? Shut up.

Aw, they all look
so happy now, don't they?

All suckling

and the mother lying on her side
and not squashing any of them.

Nice one, Harriet.
It's great, isn't it.

I love it when the pigs give birth.
It's the best part of farming.

I just love it
when the pigs give birth.

Isn't that perfect?
Yeah.

The next
day was a big one,

because after more
than two months away,

Lenny Henry was back.

Hello, girls.

Looks like they've lost
a little bit of weight.

You're back!

You all right?
Who are you?

Good to see you. How'd it go?

Oh, yeah, it was good.

Good to see you.
Good to be back.

Yeah, it was good. A helluva experience.
I'll bet.

Christ.
It's been a long time.

I've seen so many different
farms. Onion farms.

Big cow farms.
It's been awesome.

That's all you've seen?
And a goat farm.

Goat farms?
I went to a place

near Wales which is like a
cliff farm. I say cliff

They had sheep grazing on,
like, a cliff like that.

I was like, Will they fall?
Yeah?

Weather's good.

Hasn't stopped since you left.
I know! It's bad!

Hasn't stopped raining since you left.
Some would said I timed it well, though.

But, it's like this.
Anyway, as you can see

I've managed.
Yeah!

Clean yard.
Spotless. Everything tidy.

Looks like a farmyard.
Looks good, doesn't it.

Cows mucked out.
Yeah.

I bet you thought
it'd be all on fire

when you got back,
all the animals dead.

Fire everywhere.
No, 'cause I've been saying, actually,

everywhere I go, I've been
praising you up actually.

One thing I'm
amazed you haven't noticed

Yeah, so have you bought that?
No, it's on demo.

Why?

The Lamborghini's been a bit
unreliable since you went.

Has it? What's happened?

Everything.
Really?

Hmm.

I've had to get help.

What's happened?
I had to get someone to help me.

What do you mean?

I'm confused.

You'll meet Harriet.
You'll like her.

Okay.

Sensing that
Kaleb wasn't entirely happy

about me hiring someone else,

I decided he should meet
her as quickly as possible.

So, where
we're going now

Harriet's, where she's
drilled the barley.

Okay. She done a good job?
Yeah.

So, it's all coming up. Look,
you can see the slugs have been

Hammering it.
Hammering it all the way down.

Right, now, that
that's Harriet, all right?

All right.

Now, be nice.
Mm-hmm.

Behave. I'm not having
any of your Andy Cato nonsense.

This is going to be interesting.

'Cause he wants to encourage
young people to start farming

but I don't think he wants
them to farm on this farm.

Hello.

Lovely to meet you.
Hello.

You okay.
Yeah, you?

Oh, yeah, have you not met?
No, not yet.

Harriet, Kaleb.

Did you drill this?
Yeah.

Judgement here.

Yeah, inspection.

Look, are you pleased?

We've got barley germinating.
Yeah.

Right, they've met,
look, they've met.

No actually fighting so far.

What's that?
Slugs.

Slugs, Kaleb.

How are you, Harriet?
Yeah, good.

Fert's on.

You got fert on?
Yeah.

Did you put the right fert on?

What have you found, Charlie?
A slug.

This winter
has been really warm.

Yeah.
So we've got lots of slugs.

And how many of
them are there in this field?

Millions.

Millions?
Yeah, there'll be millions of them.

What they do is they just strip
the leaf, they just eat the leaf.

But, we have slug pellets.
Yes.

If you didn't put slug
pellets on, would that eat the barley?

We would not have any barley
if we hadn't put slug pellets.

It would have all been eaten.
None?

I once had to go to prison in
France because of a slug

True story.

I went to a restaurant
called La Pomme d'Amour,

and there was a slug in my lettuce,
and the man was so apologetic.

He said, You can drink as
much as you like on the house.

And I was only 19, so I
thought, Well, I will, then.

And did.

And then, anyway, I was arrested a
bit later 'cause I was a bit wobbly.

And I was trying to
explain to the policeman

that I'd eaten a slug and the
man had given me a lot of drink.

But I couldn't think what
the French for slug was.

L'escargot.
So I said

Je mange un
escargot sans maison.

And they just thought, This
man is properly paralytic.

Definitely, yeah!
And off I went to prison,

'cause I didn't know
the French for slug.

So did you get what he said?
Nope.

I've eaten a
snail without a house.

You've lost your
sense of humour, haven't you?

No, I just don't speak French.

So why would that whole
conversation matter to me?

Well, it was slightly amusing.
Yes, it was an amusing story.

So we've got to slug-pellet.
We've gotta slug-pellet this.

Ultimately, we have got
a nice crop to work with.

Enough seeds here,
enough plants.

Well done!

Right. Come on.

Charlie then
showed Kaleb the GS4 fields.

Which went down well.

It looks shitter here.

What a waste of a fucking
field planting GS4 in it.

I've got three fields that had GS4.
It doesn't feed any fucking cows.

There is literally no evidence
I've done anything in this field.

We're gonna
have to drill it again.

I'll rip it up and put some
spring wheat in it, if you want.

No! We need cows.

Yeah, I know.
For the pub, I've got to have cow food.

Yeah, I'm very aware of that.

What?
But have you ever tried grazing GS4?

Well, do you know, let's think.
No, you haven't.

Right, we done?

Yeah.
Do you want to look at anything else?

No, I don't.

Kaleb's inspection of
the main shed was equally joyful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, what?

Who orders Skyfall
wheat in 20-kg bags?

I admit that was a mistake.

Why have you
got rye grass? Why?

Why is there so much
paint all over the drill?

Ah! I invented something.

All right.
That didn't quite work.

Where has the disc gone on
the back? Did you pick it up?

You mean that one?
Yeah.

Yeah, no, well, that was off,
you see. That was my invention.

No, it wasn't.

Go and find it.

I'll get Harriet onto
that straight away.

No, you do it.

Put that in somewhere dry.
Well

Put it somewhere
dry. Not in here.

If moisture gets in, it'll
fuck it. Put it somewhere dry.

Can I just explain something to
you that I don't think you know.

Go on.
You've just come back off tour.

Now, I know some rock stars.
Mm-hmm?

I won't say which band.

And after they
came back off tour,

when they were touring a lot,
they used to rent a house.

Okay?
Mmm.

Just the four or five
of them, for two weeks.

No staff. They had to make their
own meals, wipe their own bottoms,

clean up, load the dishwasher,
so that when they went home,

they were normal
human beings again.

You're such an arse.

You've had people
running around after you.

Such an arsehole.

No, I haven't.
Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, I have not.
Would you like me to make your bed?

That's what you've had.
You think that I've had that.

You're standing there
going, You, put that back.

You said, I'm such a good farmer.
What have you left it out there for?

Do you know what Blur
call what you've got?

Oh, here we go. What is it?
Cunt flu.

You come back off tour
You're such a twat!

Oh, no, if you'd like to step this
way? Here, are your shoes all right?

Here, let me. Are you just
getting a bit wet, Kaleb?

You've got to come back to the
real world. I know! I've toured!

I came back and I was
a cunt.

You still are!

A cunt!

So, one thing I went on tour
for was to see the world

Mercifully, my tough-love
chat obviously did the trick,

as, the next day, Kaleb
began to bond with Harriet,

chatting away like one
young farmer to another.

Done all your courses now?
Yeah.

How many have you had to do?
Spraying, slug-pelleting.

Tractor, telehandler, ATV.
The fucking tractor test.

The bloke didn't know anything.
I know.

And we needed him
back on an even keel

because, a day or so later,
over at the pig pens,

there was a bit of an issue.

So, the first
time we had litters,

we lost 28%, remember? They
were all being squashed.

We put the pig rings in, and
that death rate fell to 13%.

Which was brilliant.
Really good.

This time, pig rings in,
would have been 8%

Except for her.

Surprise!

She had 14 piglets.
Yeah.

She's squashed nine of them.
No, she didn't!

So, that's back to 28% again.

We're exactly the same as where
we started because of her.

Let's go back
into her history.

She's called Surprise
'cause she had three.

The first time she gave birth
to five, squashed three, ate one of them.

The second time she
gave birth to 17,

but, if you remember,

you took some of those 17 and
distributed them amongst other mothers.

Yeah, I left her with ten.
Left her with ten.

So she squashed four of the ten.

This time, she's done
nine of the fourteen.

So what are we gonna do?

Well, I mean, this
is the debate we've got.

It's costing 750 pounds
a year to feed her.

Yeah. And the
straw and the labour.

Exactly.
And she's squashing

most of her children every time.

Do you want my opinion,
then, as your farm manager?

Mm-hmm.

This is only her third litter.

So I would say, personally, go one more
time and try it on the fourth litter.

And if she
does it again

Yeah, abattoir.

Basically, this pig was this
close to becoming sausages.

Yeah.
And then, along you came.

Then, I moved on
to pig problem number two.

Dilwyn the vet had raised
the alarm after noticing

that the boar we'd rented

was bullying the three sows.

I've had to come out three times

to see them being beaten up.

The first time there was one lame one,
so I gave her some anti-inflammatory.

The second time, the two of them
were actually off their legs.

And that's just
What do you mean?

Basically, their back ends They
couldn't lift their back ends.

So he's
a rough lover.

Something along that line, yeah.
Is that why they're all hiding?

He stops them sometimes
coming out and going in.

He just stands by
the entrance there.

I've seen him actually chomping
at the metal. So he's just

He's eating metal?

Yeah. I wouldn't
trust him with us in the pen.

Is he saying,
Get out of my pen?

Yeah, I think: Leave
my harem alone.

So he's not 100%
safe to be around.

But, er
Well, can they hurt people?

Yeah. I mean, if he decided he didn't
like us, he could take a chunk out of us.

What?
Yeah, yeah, he could do.

Really?
Yeah, he could.

Erm, he's looking at my
legs as though they're snacks.

Yeah. There
you go, look at him!

He is, look, he's
pawing. He's like a Spanish bull.

Yeah, I'm not sure I wanna
look at him from where I am.

Hello!

Look, he's
so violent at sex,

he's broken the house.

And I was just in there and
he was pawing the ground.

Would they be up the duff by now?
They should be, yeah.

So can we, in the next
couple of days, get rid of him?

I would get rid of
him sooner rather than later.

Sooner rather
than later? Okay.

He's just not a very nice pig.
He's not, yeah.

I think we get rid of
Harvey Swinestein tomorrow.

Harvey Swinestein!

He's gotta go.

Yeah, very good!
Harvey Swinestein!

The following day, I
returned with Kaleb and Harriet

How are you?
Good. How are you?

To send the unruly
boar back to his owner.

Right, Harvey
Swinestine is off.

Harvey Swinestine?
Swinestein.

What's that? Who?

Is that the scientist?
Oh, come on!

No, I'm not having this.
Singer?

Actor?

Do you have a clue?
The scien I don't fucking know.

Are you gonna tell us?
It's a scientist!

He's not a scientist.
What is he, then?

He's a shocking human being.

Right, come on.

Keep coming.

That'll do.

Are you coming in there?

Are you coming in?
I can't move around in that. I'm 63.

Well, yes, you
are. We need you in here.

What for?
What?

This is your pig!
Come on, get the pig in.

Can you please stand here?
You need to hold these.

I can't get in!
Grrr!

Don't bend the
posts over. Don't do that.

No, don't do that.

Woah! What is going on?

I can't get in.
Breathe in.

Think skinny thoughts!

For God's sake!
Can you get that hurdle quickly, Jeremy?

See what I mean? Put
the hurdle over there.

And run him up that side?
And run him this way.

But Jeremy can get the hurdle.

What

If I knew what a hurdle was, I'd
get it. What does he mean, hurdle?

Incoming.
I can't Oh, that.

So he's coming this way?
Yeah, ready?

Ready? It's going to
come out. Go on, buddy.

Come on,
Michael What's-His-Face.

Come on, Jimmy Savile.
Michael?

I know who Jimmy Savile is.
Can we not just say that?

No, 'cause it's
not the same thing.

Why?
Jimmy Savile was kids.

Ah
Yeah, but these are kids.

Yeah, these are only a year old.

They're young ones.
Jimmy Savile doesn't work.

Or a bit older than
a year, are they?

Come on, Hobbs.

He's so unbothered!
Hold, hold, hold. That's it, just in.

All right, stand in
there, stand there.

Whoa!

Right, what we've
got there is Red Rum.

At this point, I
remembered that my knees hurt

So, right, hold, hold.

And that I was
paying everyone's wages.

So, I decided to leave the
youngsters to deal with Psycho Pig.

No!

Come on!
Here he comes, here he comes.

What's your plan, K?

Calm.

Yes, yes, it
worked. Hold, hold.

Put that down. Hold. Right.

You're not
fucking getting off!

Ogh! You'll
break my ribs, man!

Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.

You okay?
Yeah.

Pig board
down. Pig board down.

Come on.

This is just
fucking brute force.

Yes, yes!

Let them pigs go. Quickly.

Oh, shit.

That was fun.

That board went, like,
straight into my, like, rib.

Not good.

I need a bag of peas.

A bag of peas.
Yeah. Cures everything.

No one was upset
to see Harvey leave.

But it was now time for another
departure from Diddly Squat.

And that was a bit sad.

So this is it, you're off.

I'm off.
You're off back to Derbyshire?

Yeah.

Listen, you've been an absolute star.
Thanks.

Thanks ever so much for
everything. Absolutely brilliant.

Thanks.
And best of luck.

Yeah.
Erm

And I'll send you pictures of
the barley when it's growing.

Yeah, if there's any fuck-ups,
don't send them to me.

No, I'm not. I'm not gonna tell Kaleb
either, that's the important thing.

Erm, saved my life, you did.
Any time.

You were brilliant.
Yeah.

So, listen, if we get stuck
again, can I give you a call?

Yeah.

Just let me know.
No, sorry, let me re-phrase that.

When we get stuck again.

Yeah, ooh.

All right.
All right?

Yeah.
Thanks!

I'll close t'e caravan door.

Close the caravan door.

Your caravan now!
Yeah.

When you and Lisa fall out,
she can come and live here.

I like your thinking. She
can come and live here.

I approve of that!

You drive carefully, won't you?
All right, yeah.

All right, thanks.

Bye!

Yeah, she's a
superstar, that one.

Now that Kaleb was
back and fully in charge,

I could get back to
my hunt for a pub.

So, that is called
The Shaven Crown.

750 years old. It's
got a great hall in it.

It's got a beautiful courtyard
and a car park round the back.

And it is for sale.

And so is the pub just on
that corner down there.

Two pubs, one village,
both for sale.

Sadly, none of the pubs
I saw that morning were right,

for one reason or another.

And nor were the multitude
I saw that afternoon.

If you were to make
this economically viable,

you'd need 80 or 100,

lunch and dinner, 7 days a week.

And that doesn't look like
the sort of village, to me,

that would welcome that
many people turning up.

And I don't wanna piss another
village off. I've done that.

The sheer volume of
options was very depressing.

And that evening,
in my own local,

I started to realise what
effect this pub-cull will have.

And I was just thinking,
loneliness is becoming

a big issue in rural areas.

And part of the problem is:

villages are kind of
losing their souls.

You don't have a
village doctor any more,

he's in a health centre 30 miles away
and you can't get an appointment.

There's no village
bobby on the beat.

There's no village vicar.
There's no village shop.

There's no village school.

And if we end up at a point
where there's no village pub

What is a village?

It's just some houses.

The pub's the hub.

And it should always
be that way

said the man sitting
at a table for one.

We were now just ten days
from the durum wheat planting deadline,

and it was still raining.

But Charlie had at least found
a way to make some profit

from our waterlogged ground.

There's been an explosion of
demand for English willow,

to supply the appetite of
Indian Premier League cricket.

And what they really
want is British willow.

Obviously I don't want to be growing
cricket bats 'cause I loathe cricket.

Well, I
know. That's, er

But it could be worse,
it could be growing golf clubs.

Anyway, so, I buy
the trees, is that right?

We pay a small price
to have the trees planted,

and then they're managed,

these guys pop out three times a year
to just clear all the growth off them,

and then 12, 15 years later,
they'll come and harvest them.

15 years?

15 years, yes.

This incredibly
long-term business plan

was the brainchild
of a man called Josh.

Hello, Charlie. How're you doing?
Are you all right?

Good, good.

These are the trees?

I need you to carry the deer
guards or the planting device here.

No, come
here! Dogs! Here!

Come here! Sorry, Josh.
That's okay.

Sansa, sit.

Sansa, sit.

No, not shit, sit.

Sansa!

Fucking hell. They're
worse than ever.

So, how old
did you say those were?

So they're four years oldish.
Four years?

You do realise this
area you've chosen is a swamp.

That's perfect.

Really?
That's the idea.

Basically, that land is underutilised.
Yeah.

So it's not earning you money.
No.

It's about to.
So, hold on.

Can you talk me through the finances?
Yeah.

Because I pay you
how much for a tree?

So, 20 pounds for the tree and
the guard, 15 on top for those.

So, 35 pounds.

35 pounds
It's planted.

We harvest them in 15 years?
15 to 20.

So, at the other end,
when they're ready,

in today's prices,
they're worth 700 pounds.

And there's a
dozen. So that's

8,200 pounds.

So we get 8,000 back.
But I will be

8,400.
84 years old

By which I mean I'll have
been dead for ten years.

We've got some willows.
Could we use those for cricket bats?

There is a chance that
it's not quite the right willow.

Who's lopped that one down? Is
that something to do with you?

I've done it.

Why have you cut a
bloody great willow down?

There's a footpath running next to it.
Yeah?

It was sort of leaning over the footpath
and there were bits splitting off it.

And rather
than land on somebody

I thought that was an ash.
No, no.

Oh, that's to save a rambler's
life, you've killed a tree.

Yes.

And now
the council's

I've got into trouble with them 'cause
I've made a mess of the footpath.

Who said that?
I got a letter from the c

Dear Mr. Clarkson,
you've made a mess of the

You mean I've had a
letter from the council.

Yeah, but they sent it to me.
From which council?

Our favourite council.

Anyway. Erm

How many cricket bats, then,
do you get from a tree?

We work to
an average of 35.

And how much
do they sell those for?

A cricket bat can go for about
900 pounds in some places.

What?

Who's going to pay 900
pounds for a cricket bat?

It's a lot. It's in high
demand at the moment,

thanks to, you know, America, India,
Pakistan, players being paid millions.

And it's always English willow?

It's the best. We have
the best climate for it.

Okay. Let's get them in the ground.
Right.

Here I go.

Ready?
Yeah, go on.

There you go. Now
give it a real good wiggle.

Heel it in.

And that's it? You're happy?
Done.

The planting of these
weird rootless cricket trees

was not without complications.

Ooh, my God! Jesus Christ!

Are you
actually sinking there?

Look, I mean, honestly,
that's just Ha!

And so, when we were in
danger of losing valuable cameramen

Ben, grab me.
I'll get my boot out.

We decided to beat a
brave retreat and leave Josh to it.

Sansa, Arya!

Dogs?

Sansa, Arya!

That's the last time
I'm bringing them out.

Two days later, with
the heavens still firmly open,

I went back to the boozer

with Kaleb and various
other local farmers

to discuss just how much this
wet weather was killing us.

I thought it was December the 8th
it started raining. But I think

18th of October.
Was it the 18th of October?

And then
That was it.

And we
haven't really had

No, we haven't
turned a wheel properly.

Oh, I've never known anything
like this. This is biblical.

Because we've had no
cold weather either.

Normally, you'd get a week
of really heavy frosts,

it kind of draws the
moisture out of the soil,

and you'll get a
dry time afterwards.

It's just been mild
and wet continuously.

The winter crops that went in last
autumn are suffering on heavier land

because they're just
sitting in water.

They're turning yellow and
they're drowning in the field.

That's what it said in one of the
reports I was reading this morning.

There's a number of farmers who just
don't think they'll have a harvest.

No, no.

We've got, well, about 2,500 acres
of spring crops to try and get in,

spring barley, in the
next ten days, two weeks.

So if this rain doesn't
stop in the next two weeks,

we'll have 2,000 acres of

Nothing.
Bare fields.

Probably the same, yeah.
Same?

Yeah.
For the first time

Apparently, the second-hand
combine market, is flooded

Pardon the pun. But it is.

People are selling
their combines

because they're not gonna
have anything to cut.

But I have been thinking, the risk
and the stress and all of the worry

about the weather and
the prices and so on,

is it not just easier to say,

Sod it, I'll put the entire farm
into a Sustainable Farming Incentive,

SFI, scheme, government scheme?

That is exactly where
we were a month ago.

With the scheme, we've got an agreed
price that we're all gonna get

from a crop that's not
being used for human food,

but we know where we're going, we
know where the income's coming from.

Yeah.
You can keep your bills being paid.

To keep going. 75% of
our farm is going into

Schemes.
Yeah, a scheme.

What are we? 10?
Yeah.

10 or 15.
Yeah, 10%.

We're
only probably 10%.

But that means if
10% of the land

is being taken out of
food production this year,

and we've got this weather

Yeah, it's how much is
actually gonna be left fallow.

I mean, there's going to be a
shortage of wheat and barley.

There is.
Yeah.

And ultimately,
people have to eat.

Exactly.

Indeed.

Seven days before
Charlie's planting deadline,

the rain finally stopped.

But, the fields were still far
too wet to plant anything in them.

So I went off to wade through
a backlog of paperwork.

God Almighty.

And that's when Charlie
called, from a hundred years ago.

Erm, I've
been thinking about cultivations

before we drill this durum.

And I think that we
should plough it.

What?

Hang on, sorry. I thought
people hadn't ploughed the soils

since about 1926.

No, it
still has a useful place

Charlie explained that
ploughing would kill the weeds

without using chemicals,

and, crucially, help dry
out the soil more quickly.

I think
we'll also get the durum wheat in

in a more timely fashion
between these sort of showers,

rain events.

I'm just thinking it's
probably what's required.

Right, so, ploughing.
Ploughing.

Not knowing
anything about ploughing,

I immediately rented the
biggest one I could find.

And that was great

but it came with an instruction
manual written in gibberish.

Calculation of minimum
ballasting value at front,

GV min,

for rear-mounting implement.

GV min equals GHX, bracket,
C plus D, brackets,

dash TVXB plus.

If the distance between the tractor's
rear wheels is not to be altered,

it is additionally possible
to reduce the side pull

by laterally adjusting
the three-point

Thankfully, at this
moment, the farm manager arrived.

All right?
Are you all right, mate?

Yeah, not bad. You?
I've got a plough.

Charlie says we've gotta plough.

I've been speaking to
Charlie about the ploughing

but I didn't know he was gonna
get this big of a plough.

No, I got that.
I kinda gathered that!

Why
I can't understand the instruction book.

When have you ever read
the instruction book?

Well, no, I know.

Kaleb conceded the
instruction manual was nonsense.

What?

So, he offered
to give me a hand.

I've got a vast range of new
warning symbols on the dashboard.

Well done!

Right, now it's your hoses.

Can you float
them all for me?

What?
Put them into Float.

What do you mean, put
them in the float?

I don't know what you
Have you put them into Float?

I don't know what that means!

Oh, God

These are your
hydraulic spools, yeah?

To float them, there's
a button on the back.

Yeah.

Pull that button
in and hit that one.

It makes it easier, then
every pipe will go in easy.

To say this is the
colour of that

G-Dog!

Yeah!

He's making even less
sense than you at the minute.

I've got a spade in the back of my
van! He's getting there big time!

When you've had one, you're
always subject to the second one.

It's like digging your garden.

Yeah, that tractor will romp
along with that all right,

don't worry about that.

Yes.
Oh, yeah!

He's gotta cut that
out, he has! What's up then?

Can you remember

when the last time anyone
ploughed this farm was?

I can remember
when that happened.

Gazza was
playing for Newcastle,

instead of doing what
he does half the time.

Yeah.
When you've got a clear thing,

you can do anything with it.

It's never been ploughed with an
eight-furrow before up there anyway.

What's up there, now?

With the plough
attached to the Lambo,

we headed off to the
fields to start work.

Bottom
left. Now press it.

God, there's some
engineering in that thing.

Amazing!

How much do you
reckon that weighs? Five tons?

Four ton? Yeah.

And it's gonna be
six inches into the earth.

Yeah.
That is called a land anchor.

Yeah.

Now you're gonna see what
a powerful tractor can do.

Here we go.

Hand throttle engaged.

You're about to see,
for the first time,

the true power of
the Lamborghini.

I'm ploughing!

Unbelievably wet field.

Yes!

No!

I don't think he has a
fucking clue what he's doing.

We may have some wheelspin here.

Kaleb, we've got a
little bit of wheelspin.

So if I was you,
lift it out the ground.

Try and get out of this wet bit.

Ready? Here we go.

Barely noticing its workload.

Drop the plough down!

Drop it down!

Unbelievable. You're
only skimming the top.

What you normally do to get
rid of the weeds in a field

is you use weed killer.

But that puts chemicals into
the soil. Nobody wants that.

If you plough, you
turn the soil over

so that the weeds are
deprived of light and oxygen

and then they die.

So you'd think,
Great, do ploughing.

But if you turn the soil over,
you're releasing the carbon

and then that goes up into the sky and
then Greta Thunberg has a paddy fit.

This is farming. It's the
constant game of Whack-a-mole.

You solve one problem
and create another.

Do you want me to
produce food for you?

Yes.

So, do you want me to
hurt the sky or the soil?

Those are your choices.

When I reached
the end of my first run,

Kaleb pointed out
that, actually,

I hadn't hurt the
sky or the soil.

That is the shittest bit of
ploughing I've ever seen in my life.

Well, how could I have
done it any differently?

Drop it in the ground.
Look, you're only skimming the top.

Obviously, I'd
been incompetent again.

But, Kaleb reckoned that
because the soil was so wet,

we were on a hiding
to nothing anyway.

I think it's
way too wet, mate.

That tractor's trying to pull all
them eight furrows, that's an anchor.

Yes?
I said, it's a land anchor.

Yeah, through the soil.

Yes.
So it needs much more traction.

Yes, which luckily I've got
'cause I've got new tyres on it.

Yes, you have, but
270 horsepower.

But

This is what it was built
to do, would you not agree?

Desperate to prove that
my old friend would save the day,

I went for another run.

Sinking plough.

Plough. That's good.

Right, here we go.

Building up revs.

Come on,
mighty Lamborghini.

God, I've got some wheelspin.

A lot of wheelspin.

Come on, you can do it. Come on!

Come on.

But, with the enormous
plough actually in the soil,

I was going nowhere.

It does not like this bit.

No, no, no.

Whoa!

We are struggling here.

I think it's probably too wet.

Shit.

Drying this field with a
plough, then, had not worked out.

It had simply been too big a job

for even my wonderful old Lambo.

A couple of days later,
though, my new tractor arrived.

So, I got it down to Fendt,
New Holland, with the levers in it,

and the Case.

Yeah.

Ta-da!

Ha-ha! Check it out!

Check it out!

It's a
Lamborghini again!

Our quest is
at an end, isn't it?

So you just went
out and bought this

How many hours has it done?
500.

3,000.
I meant 3,000.

But hang on, look.

That's so tiny!
Really tiny.

It's the perfect site.

I can see that.
But now this bloody picnic site.