Original subtitles

Germanicus dead.

Hail, the great grandfather of Germanicus,

hail Julius Caesar,

now a god!

Hail, the grandfather of Germanicus,

Augustus Caesar,

now a god!

Behold the ashes of Germanicus

- Murdered! - Murdered!

So cruelly taken from us

Hail, the father of Germanicus

Hail Tiberius Caesar

Who killed Germanicus?

Emperor of Rome!

Tiberius! Tiberius! Tiberius!

He's going to kill me

You're safe. You're with me.

He's going to kill us,

just the way he killed our father, our mother,

and our brothers.

I am not going to die!

You won't.

You're his heir, there is no one else.

Yes

there's Gemellus

and Claudius

Gemellus is too young,

Claudius is an idiot,

and Tiberius is old.

You will be emperor.

Soon.

And you will be my queen.

You can't marry your sister.

You can in Egypt.

But we're in Rome.

And you are already promised.

I know.

To Ennia.

Remember,

Macro does command the Praetorian Guard.

It's only a bird.

What's it like with your husband?

What's what like?

He's so fat.

He's disgusting.

He's not.

He's just large.

But tiny where it counts.

How do you know?

I saw him at the baths.

Poor, poor Drusilla

You are vile.

Password?

Who's that?

Justice.

Prince.

Forgive me, Prince.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Only my dreams.

Happy dreams?

News from Capri?

The Emperor commands you to wait upon him.

We sail at first light.

What does he want?

A last look at you, perhaps.

He is seventy-seven.

May he live forever.

How is Ennia?

In love.

In Hell then, as the poet says.

My wife won't be happy until she sees you in Capri.

Wait outside.

What do you think all this means?

Take care, Little Boots.

Pray to Isis for me.

Nerva. Dear friend.

Ten years is a long time for the Emperor to be hidden away.

I should feel a great deal happier if he were back in Rome, where he belongs.

Tell me, how is the Emperor?

Old, like me.

I mean how is his mood?

Like the weather.

Well, the weather is good today.

Changeable.

I am told that during the last month,

seven of my colleagues in the Senate have been put to death

for treason.

Nine to be exact.

And five of them cheated

they killed themselves.

That wasn't playing fair,

don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men,

how could their beloved Emperor find them guilty?

You have a gift for logic, Prince.

Caligula!

Great Caesar.

Beloved grandfather.

Do your dance, boy.

My dance?

Yes.

The one you delighted the army with when your father made you its mascot.

Come on, Little Boots.

I've forgotten it, Lord.

Dance for me.

Delight me.

Dance!

All right, come in, all of you!

Now stop that!

Do you love me?

Yes, Caesar.

Why do you say such monstrous things about me at Rome?

But I don't, Caesar. Ever.

I hear you often pray devotedly for my death.

By heaven, Caesar, I swear I do not.

You do not

in public.

Never, Lord.

Remember this

that I have let you live.

So far.

My little fishies love me.

Innocence, you see

I protect their innocence.

It is all I can do, for it is a foul world. Away you go!

Nerva is scowling at us.

Nerva, my friend!

Nerva, help me transform this

young barbarian into a Roman Caesar.

There have been three Roman Caesars

Julius, Augustus, and yourself.

Which do you want him to be?

The best!

That would be your father, Augustus.

You see, Caligula?

I am insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend

when I am dead,

watch out for Macro.

I know he hates me.

Because you are good.

Because you are wise.

Therefore, when I am gone,

watch out for Macro.

I've taken my precautions, Caesar.

Heaven help Rome

when I die!

I am old.

You will live forever, Lord.

All my family are dead,

but you and me,

the child Gemellus, and that uncle, that Claudius thing.

All the others, struck down by fate

and it is fate, Little Boots, that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Caesar.

No I am not!

Not even when I am dead.

Julius Caesar and Augustus Cesar,

they are gods.

So say the Senate, and so the people prefer to believe.

Such myths are useful.

Little Boots

look at you.

I am nursing a viper in Rome's bosom.

Wine!

Do you think this boy has been drinking?

I think he's been drinking, Caesar.

So do I.

- Macro? - Yes, Lord?

Give him more wine.

And waste none.

The laces to your boots.

Quick!

And what do they say of me at Rome?

They miss you, Lord.

And they need you.

I have given most of my life to the Roman people.

I have fought!

Aren't they lovely?

Yes, Lord.

The satyrs are from Illyria.

And, uh, this nymph

is from

from where?

Britain, lord.

Britain.

Speaking statues!

And they can do, as well as speak!

Do you prefer nymphs to satyrs?

I like both.

One needs both, keep healthy.

Rome is a republic, Caligula,

and you and I are just plain citizens.

More conviction!

Serve the State, Caligula,

although the people in it are appalling beasts.

But they love you, Lord.

No.

They hate me.

And they fear me which is better.

There was no choice, you know.

There was no choice.

No choice?

All I wanted was private life.

I did not truly want to become emperor,

but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else had become emperor, I would have been killed.

As you will be.

Will be?

Will be, Grand

Will be, Grandfather?

Would be,

if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a city,

and we were just citizens,

known to one another, do you see,

why we were good, frugal,

disciplined, dignified.

We had to be.

Then we conquered the earth.

Amazing, isn't it?

Both boy and girl.

Fortunate creature.

Cost me a fortune.

We found the world to be wealthy.

So we plundered it

and lost our true character.

The Romans I rule are not what they were.

They lust.

They lust for pleasure, power,

money, other men's wives.

I am a true moralist,

and stern as any Cato.

Fate chose me to govern swine.

In my old age I have become a swineherd!

Well

do you think this boy has drunk enough wine?

I think he's had enough, my lord.

So do I.

Now he is happy.

Homer.

You would not know that,

you were educated in army camps only.

But you will know enough to be a swineherd.

The revised list of candidates for the equestrian order.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Tax assessments for Asia Minor and Gaul.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Senators guilty of treason.

Every senator believes himself to be a potential Caesar,

therefore every senator is guilty of treason.

In thought if not in deed.

The Senate is the natural enemy of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Traitors.

They offered to approve any law I made before I made it.

What if I went mad, I said. What then?

No answer.

They were born to be slaves, Little Boots!

Never forget that.

Germanicus, remember!

Born to be slaves! Never forget that!

Lord, I am not Germanicus.

- I'm his son, Caligula. - Yes

and your friend is Macro.

He serves you and only you, Lord.

And his wife is your friend.

Is she friendly in bed?

We must ask Macro, Lord.

She seems friendly.

And Drusilla, your sister?

My sister

is my sister.

I know everything that is said and done.

And thought.

The setting sun

and the rising

Gemellus, lovely boy, come to me, come to me.

And too young to betray me.

Well, perhaps not too young.

Kiss your old grandfather.

My last grandson.

I am your grandson, too, Caesar.

Only by adoption.

This is the last flesh of my flesh.

Poor boy,

what will become of you?

He's like a brother to me, Lord.

Brother?

In our family,

a brother murders a brother,

who murders his father,

who has murdered his son.

Fate. Drink, Caligula.

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy.

When I am gone, Caligula will kill you.

And then, someone will kill Caligula.

Unless he should die before I do.

You are looking not well at all!

I,

Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Prince

my wife.

Ennia!

Now you are a man, Caligula.

What are you going to do?

You must be the master of your own destiny.

Take it! With both hands.

Master!

No!

Master! Oh, master!

Bind his wrists!

No.

You must not go. You must not leave me.

You're my friend.

For a man to chose the hour of his own death

is the closest he can ever come to tricking fate.

I'll trick you. Quickly!

I've lived long enough, Tiberius.

And I hate my life.

Why?

You say that to me?

One by one I've watched you murder your family,

your friends,

the best of all the Romans.

Leave us.

Out!

We were friends once, years ago.

We still are.

- You will follow me soon. - How do you know?

With you gone, Macro would kill me.

I'll arrest him and execute him.

You can't. He controls you.

Besides,

even if Macro were dead,

how could I go on living

with this reptile?

You will respect my friend always, won't you, reptile?

I have always respected him, Lord.

You hear that?

Tiberius, you were wise once.

Don't taunt me, I am old.

I have watched you grow into a monster.

That is treason, Nerva.

It is true.

I am surrounded by enemies.

You are cruel.

No, honest.

If power can destroy the mind and character of my Tiberius,

what will it do to this ignorant boy brought up in army camps,

by men taught him nothing except how to be your slave?

Caligula serves me well.

The best of slaves will be the worst of masters.

So from evils past,

and evils yet to come,

I now choose to escape.

You have hurt me.

Goodbye.

Prince

Prince

the physician Charicles wishes to speak with you.

The Emperor has fallen ill.

The situation is dire.

How is the Emperor?

How long will he last?

Well

it could happen any moment now.

With care, he might last a year or so.

Only a year?

I can smell death.

But whose?

Don't worry,

he can do nothing without me.

So these poor unfortunate creatures thought.

And where are they?

No, Macro,

he's planning something.

You will be emperor soon.

You swear?

I sw--

I swear.

Leave!

Everyone leave!

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Caligula?

Lord!

Give me my ring.

No.

Yes.

You do not dare!

Hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar.

I'll get everyone assembled in the hall for the announcement.

Gemellus!

Hail Caesar.

We are alone, Gemellus.

We must love each other.

It's just like the dream.

It's only his mask.

You are Caesar now.

Caesar?

Caesar.

Emperor of Rome. Lord of the world.

Lord of the world

I like this dream.

At the

At the insistence of the Senate

and the people of Rome,

I accept,

humbly,

the highest office of our great republic.

Of our great republic.

When our beloved Tiberius was dying,

he begged me to carry on his good work

Into the Tiber with Tiberius!

Throw him in the river!

Today, we begin a new era!

Hail!

All those who have been exiled from Rome,

I do now recall!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

I grant a general amnesty!

Caligula! Caligula!

Silence!

Great Caesar is not finished!

As my fellow consul,

the Senate and the people of Rome

have wisely chosen my learned uncle Claudius.

Take your place beside me, Claudius.

Caesar! Caligula!

Beside me down there, Claudius.

I mean Consul

Hail! Hail! Hail!

I herewith adopt, as my son and heir, the Prince Gemellus.

Come forward, Prince.

From this moment,

all official oaths will contain the following phrase:

"I will value neither my life, nor the lives of my children

any more highly than I do that of the emperor

or of his sister, Drusilla!"

Hail! Hail!

Hail!

Did you see their faces when I told them

they had to swear not only to me, but to you?

They were appalled.

I do hope so.

But is it wise?

I can do

anything I like

to anyone.

Well, don't start with me.

Who would you suggest?

Who?

Do you trust Macro?

Macro?

He did kill Tiberius.

I must appoint a new commander of my own choice.

Forgive me, Caesar.

Charea!

Two senators beg to see you.

They have a dispute over land and await your judgement.

Well, bring them in bring them in

I am interested in all that is Rome,

even down to the length of the toga.

- Caesar, I must complain about - Give me the documents.

Guilty.

Thank you, thank you!

Do not thank me.

Justice must always be impartial.

That is so, Charea is it not?

- Oh, yes, Caesar. - Good.

You may go.

That is your man.

Charea?

He's so boring.

Oh!

Boring boring!

Superb display, Macro.

Superb.

Bring me Gemellus.

What, here?

Here. Now.

Charicles,

stand here.

I want a bonus for my guards.

But, Caesar, that's not possible.

All things that happen are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen and it becomes possible. Logical?

Bergarius, you here.

Charea, you there.

But, Caesar, the imperial budget, you see, does not normally

Well, you are the chancellor, Longinus, can you arrange it?

Uncle, would you mind stepping over here

How Caesar?

The palace banquets cost a quarter of a million sesterces.

Just a quarter of a million?

Well, we'll have to put everyone on a diet, won't we?

Issue an edict.

Yes, Lord.

But the deficit, you see

Well, how much is my purse?

Well, Lord,

that is as much as you require.

Good!

Ah.

Macro.

Would you stand there

Longinus, you here.

Yes, Caesar.

Gemellus,

I want you to look at these gentlemen very carefully,

and tell me, who killed Tiberius?

Take your time.

Look right into their eyes.

Who killed Tiberius?

He did! Macro!

Murderer!

Arrest him.

In honor of your new commander, Charea,

ten gold pieces to every man! Hail!

Hail!

Hail! Hail!

Charea, arrest Macro.

Don't you dare!

Ennia.

You look so beautiful.

Is it good for growing hair?

The divorce will only take a few days.

I think we should move.

Move?

Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?

Yes.

What do you think?

I'd hate to leave Rome.

I mean

the Senate

But I am Rome.

Wherever I am, Rome is.

And there is the Senate,

and the people of Rome.

Forgive us, Caesar.

Oh, Longinus,

hang on a minute.

The commission.

Charea,

I now officially appoint you the commander of my imperial guard.

But what about Macro?

What happened?

Where is he?

He has been arrested for treason.

Caesar, you know he worships you.

He made you.

Nobody made me.

I can't believe it.

What was it?

What did he do?

Ennia,

I had to take my destiny in my own hands.

I love you

I love you

I love you!

I love you!

I love you.

I love you.

I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Well, now at least she doesn't have to get a divorce.

You still have to find a suitable wife.

No.

I'm going to marry you.

You can't, we're not Egyptians.

I know.

We're much more beautiful.

Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking at yourself like that.

Then let's go to Egypt.

You are a fool.

Caesar cannot be a fool!

But he's trying very hard.

They'll throw you in the Tiber if you try to move the government.

They? Who?

We're safe now.

Emperors are never safe.

I am the great Caesar.

I can do anything I like.

You are going to marry a respectable Roman lady of the senatorial class.

Oh no I'm not.

Yes you are. You've got to have an heir.

Who will kill me when he grows up!

The priestesses of Isis are meeting at my house tonight.

You want me to marry one of them?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

I wonder what I should wear

When does the orgy begin?

Don't be disgusting.

I'm not, I'm being practical.

If I'm to choose a wife, I must see how she performs.

Logic.

That one looks rather interesting.

Livia?

She's taken.

She's to marry Proculus, one of your officers.

Proculus?

I'll send him to Spain.

She's a virgin.

Not your style. Very boring.

That will be my wife!

Oh, no not Caesonia.

You are impossible!

She's the most promiscuous woman in Rome.

Perfect.

Caesonia's been divorced.

She's extravagant. Always in debt.

I want her.

But not for a wife.

Send her to me now.

No.

Yes.

Such is the will of the Senate and the people of Rome.

You are very convincing as a priestess, Caesar.

And you as a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

If only all Rome had just one neck.

I told Caesonia that I would marry her.

Don't.

But only after she has born me a son.

How will you ever know it's yours?

I shall have her well-guarded, don't worry.

Then you can be sure one of the guards will be the father.

No, they're all homosexuals who've been castrated!

Is that the officer that Livia is going to marry?

Yes, Proculus.

Proculus

- Longinus. - Caesar.

You see this young officer here, Proculus

Superb!

Yes.

The crown of victory for Proculus.

I believe, Proculus,

that you're going to marry the beautiful Livia?

Yes, Caesar!

I look forward to the wedding.

I'm honored, Caesar!

Gemellus!

Caligula!

Gemellus!

Júpiter loves me!

Drusilla!

They're trying to kill me!

Gemellus! I saw him! He ran away!

He wants me dead!

Caligula Caesar, Emperor of Rome!

- Hail! - Hail!

And the Lady Drusilla and the Lady Caesonia.

And the Lady Drusilla and the Lady Caesonia!

- Hail! - Hail!

Are we late? Do forgive us?

Was the ceremony beautiful?

The auguries good?

Yes, Caesar.

Splendid.

You are very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.

I shall now bestow the special blessing of almighty Caesar

upon this

- happy union. - Hail!

Perfect.

I thought you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now for my wedding gift.

What a delicious bride.

Take off your robe, dear girl.

- But - But?

Hm? Splendid.

Splendid.

My compliments. Don't move!

Is she really a virgin, Proculus?

Yes, Caesar.

One can never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, dear girl.

Lucky girl,

to lose your virginity to a direct descendent of the goddess Venus.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in

open your eyes, Proculus

command in the name of the Senate open them!

And the people of Rome!

She really was a virgin.

Are you?

Well, are you?

No, Caesar.

Isis won't like that.

One law for woman, one for man, that's not fair.

Come on, off with your clothes.

Splendid.

I like your nice bushy hair, Proculus.

No, Caesar.

- I beg you. - So thick. Up!

I think you lied to me, Proculus.

You're a virgin, too.

I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name

open your eyes, Livia

in the name of the Senate, and the people of Rome!

Hail, Caesar!

Hail!

All hail Caesar's beautiful horse, Incitatus.

Hail!

There's Gemellus.

Watch him.

Chuck, chuck, dear uncle, chuck, chuck.

I want your honest advice

shall I declare myself king of Rome?

King?

Oh, dear I mean, well

this is the republic, isn't it?

Very well.

I shall make myself king of the republic.

But you're already greater than any king, Caesar.

I know, but I feel so undistinguished.

But to us you're just like a god.

I am a god.

Or at least I will be when I am dead.

Gemellus,

try some of these morays.

What's that smell?

What smell, Caesar?

- What have you been taking? - Just a medicine to ward off the fever.

Did you give him medicine for the fever?

- Well, Caesar - Yes or no?

I

no.

Gemellus, are you accusing your sovereign of being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar.

You took an antidote before you came to my table,

which is tantamount to accusing me of poisoning you.

That is logical, is it not?

Charea,

arrest Gemellus for treason.

Guards!

No no!

Caesar, no!

No!

Caesar, Caesar, no!

No no

As if there ever could be an antidote against Caesar.

Drusilla,

why are you so concerned for him?

I'm not concerned for him, but for you.

He knows about Tiberius.

He's a threat to me.

He's not.

He's not even your heir.

Caesonia is now carrying your child.

Gemellus will die.

- You amateur. - Amateur?

And they weren't even poisoned.

Caesar?

Well done.

Thank you.

What will you do to Drusilla?

What she said was treason.

I decide what is treason, not you.

Dance.

Dance?

Yes, show Incitatus your new dance.

What about your son?

My son?

He will dance with you.

Music!

Yeah!

Drusilla

you're very, very beautiful.

We are alone now on earth,

as we shall be in the heavens.

He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

The fever must break soon.

And what if it doesn't?

Drusilla

Where is my sister?

She's coming.

Take my horse back to his own room.

I'm here, Little Boots.

Drusilla, I'm dying.

You are not.

I must make my will.

Don't talk. Sleep.

Longinus

I want Longinus

Just listen to the crowd.

Oh, yes, the people love him.

Yet nobody is safe with him.

The Empire is safe.

The Empire?

But he's a tyrant!

Better tyranny than anarchy.

A few families in Rome may suffer, but the Empire is safe.

There could be far worse horrors

war, revolution, civil chaos

if Caligula were to die

It looks as if he is going to die anyway.

Longinus.

You called for me, Caesar?

My my will

Herewith, to my beloved Drusilla,

the Roman Empire

Title, Augusta.

My little boots

little boots

little boots

He's sleeping.

No, he's not.

Why do I get so angry with you?

Why do we always quarrel?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady, you mustn't touch him,

the fever is contagious

Sleep.

You're safe now.

Drusilla's here.

I offer my life if Jupiter

will only spare our beloved Emperor.

Jupiter accepts your offer.

Execute him.

The fever is breaking!

Do you hear that, Little Boots?

You're going to live.

You missed.

I did not miss.

I was aiming for that leaf.

Well, aim at me!

Drusilla tells me that I've been neglecting my duty,

so I report for work.

Your signature and seal is required.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command

in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command

Dull dull dull!

Caesar?

If I don't do something fairly soon,

I shall be remembered as "Caligula the Dull".

I can see it in the history books.

Things are going far too well, Longinus.

- Too well? - Yes!

No wars, no catastrophes, nothing.

It's been ages since we had a proper earthquake.

Well, what nature won't do, we'll have to do ourselves.

Lord?

There will be a famine.

- But the granaries are crammed full. - - Exactly!

- Close them down. - Close them?

Yes.

Stop all the grain supplies,

and issue an order that every citizen will get provisions every day,

for which they will bless their beloved Emperor.

Yes, Lord.

What else?

Perhaps I could conquer Persia, like Alexander.

The people would love that.

I think war is a stupid business, don't you?

Yes, Lord.

I want a bridge

right across the Bay of Naples.

Yes, Lord.

And a ship.

Yes, Lord.

With the most beautiful garden.

Drusilla loves gardens and she likes the sea.

Which reminds me

we haven't had a sea battle for a long time.

Flood the amphitheater,

we'll have a sea battle between Greeks and Trojans.

Yes, Lord.

- Longinus? - Yes, Lord?

Why do the Romans look so ugly?

Issue an edict,

every man is to wear two partings in his hair.

Yes, Lord.

Can't you ever say anything except "Yes, Lord"?

No wonder life's so dull.

Yes, Lord.

Curtain!

The child's head has just appeared!

Is he alive?

Yes, Caesar!

My lords

I am now to be married to Caesonia,

the mother of my son,

Caligula Germanicus!

The ring the ring

You are now wife, mother, and Empress of Rome.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl.

Did you not hear Caesar say

I heard the words of Caesar,

but your daughter did not.

I should have waited, shouldn't I?

There will be other children.

Longinus?

One month of free games,

and a gold coin to every Roman,

to celebrate the birth of my son

my daughter

Julia Drusilla!

Caesar, Caesar

The fever.

She looks sick

Did he say the fever?

It's the fever

This place isn't safe.

Come, we must leave

Let's get out of here

Drusilla, I'm here.

It's your Little Boots.

Do something.

I'm doing everything I can, Caesar,

I swear, but the fever

Don't leave me.

Not now.

Holy Isis, save her.

Take me.

Caesar begs you, almighty mother.

Caesar

No

No

No

Leave us

go

Get out out get out!

Get out! Out!

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

No!

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report,

he's gone to Egypt.

And according to the other reports?

To Greece

to Carthage

to Persia

to Gaul.

And where do you think he is?

He could be anywhere.

No.

He is here. In Rome.

He is testing us.

I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Longinus.

Neither will I dine nor bathe with my children,

nor have intercourse with my parents for a month.

I have existed from the morning of the world,

and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night.

Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula,

I am no man as I am all men, and therefore I am

a god.

I shall wait for the unanimous decision of the Senate, Claudius.

All those who say "aye", say "aye"!

Aye!

- Aye! - Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

The period of mourning is now over!

All right, Caesonia,

what have I done?

Why did you make the Senate declare you a god?

That was the Senate's decision, not mine.

Anyway, I am a god.

A god with human feelings?

A god in human form.

You believe that don't you?

Oh, yes, of course.

Then you're just as stupid as they are.

I don't want them to kill your human form.

They won't. They're sheep.

I'm surrounded by hypocrites and sheep,

forever talking about service and loyalty.

Sheep.

I don't trust the Senate.

I don't trust Longinus,

and I don't trust Charea.

I only trust my little giant.

And not me?

I trust your heart, but not your head.

I know. I am not Drusilla.

Caligula

Isis loves us.

We have everything everything!

Why can't you be happy?

Happy?

A happy emperor on the throne of Rome?

That would be unique.

Do you have to make your contempt for the institution so obvious?

Yes!

Why?

It is my inspiration.

Aren't you going to finish the massage?

You can't, Caesonia.

I'm a god

Don't you think all the gods look a lot more sympathetic now?

Oh, yes, divine Caesar.

I was talking to Incitatus.

You like them, don't you?

What do you say?

I thought he was a deaf mute.

All things speak to god, and all things listen.

Longinus

Caesar?

We will invade Britain.

But we can't possibly afford it

Don't contradict me, I can't bear contradictions!

I am inflexible.

Then, Lord, we should restore the wine tax.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

The people won't love me if we tax their wine.

Then how will we raise the money?

Wars, Longinus. Wars.

Conquest. Plunder. Slaves.

That is the logical way to raise money.

Make the preparations.

Yes, divine Caesar.

Andwe only have to collect it. Rome, too,

Don't you worry, Longinus, we shall raise it by the bushel.

Do you like my new march?

Yes, divine Caesar.

I think I'll teach it to my legions.

Caesonia, how do I look?

Enjoy yourself.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But are they going to enjoy it as well?

I don't know. Should we find out?

Longinus!

Ah, Longinus, my financial wizard.

Longinus,

we have a question for you.

Who is making the most money in Rome?

Answer

the pimps!

Question number two:

Who are the most lascivious sluts in Rome?

Who?

Answer

the senators' wives.

Solution?

The Imperial Brothel!

Only five gold pieces for each and every twenty minutes,

and that's a bargain,

because some of the women here are respectable married ladies

virgins, whores

senators' wives

I'll have to work out a special rate for you.

Just five gold pieces!

Everybody lasting three hours or more

will receive Caesar's special prize for endurance!

Hairy nipples

Senator Marcellus,

your wife will drive our customers away!

Try hot walnuts.

Now we sail for Britain!

Mars tells me we will enjoy a great victory.

What is he doing?

We're only a few hours march from Rome.

Charea,

is everything prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar

Only

Only what?

Where is Britain?

Where?

There!

Oh, yes, Lord. There.

- But - But what?

There is no enemy.

There is papyrus.

Papyrus, divine Caesar?

Yes, papyrus. Don't be so stupid, Charea.

Order my army to attack and destroy that papyrus.

After all, we must have some proof that I conquered Britain.

Attack!

Destroy!

Get it get over there!

Kill!

While all of you were living safely here in Rome,

your beloved emperor was risking his life

to preserve and enlarge the Empire.

I have heard rumors

that the Senate doesn't believe that I ever went to Britain.

No no, Lord.

I did conquer Britain,

and I have a hundred thousand papyrus canes to prove it!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

They hate you now.

Let them hate me, so long as they fear me.

But they are consuls, senators, they are important men.

So important that they approve all I do?

They must be mad!

They say nothing!

I don't know what else to do to provoke them.

Cowards.

Sheep.

Almighty Caesar says

take a grape

and catch it in your mouth.

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.

Fail, fail, fail.

Keep a note of all those who fail, Longinus.

Yes, Caesar.

Almighty Caesar says stand!

Almighty Caesar says get down!

Almighty Caesar says turn right!

Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail! Fail!

Almighty Caesar says run down the middle!

Almighty Caesar says hop!

Stop!

Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail!

Almighty Caesar says hop!

Stop.

Hop. Stop. Hop. Stop. Hop. Stop.

Almighty Caesar says crawl

crawl crawl

Crawl! Crawl! Crawl!

I hate them!

Almighty Caesar says stop.

Almighty Caesar says,

to balance the state budget,

we shall confiscate the entire estates of all those who have failed.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galba

Amponius

Marcellus

Antonius

Cassius

Charea

They have failed me.

They have failed Rome.

Arrest them.

Almighty Caesar says arrest them.

Guards! Arrest them!

Almighty Caesar says finish your dinner.

Eat!

Watch Charea.

Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to kill me.

What is so amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

All I have to do is to nod my head,

and both your throats will be cut right here at dinner.

That is the emperor's privilege.

Is it true that there's been a conspiracy against me, Longinus?

Well, Lord that is I mean

there seems to be a secret plot

A plot is always a secret. If it's not a secret it is not a plot but a plan.

That is logical, is it not, Claudius?

Even a halfwit can see that, and you're a halfwit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

When is the next consular election?

In two weeks, divine Caesar.

In two weeks I shall select as consul

the noblest Roman of you all.

I, Caligula Caesar, in the name of the S

In the name of the people of Rome,

do now designate as consul

Incitatus!

Hail!

He appeals to the people.

The Senate count for nothing.

The new consul will now address the Senate.

All hail Incitatus!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

He has mocked the gods and the Senate, and humiliated the army.

And prostituted our wives!

That's why the people love him.

May he be happy.

Happy?

Happy.

What would you do if you were me?

You never answer me.

You don't exist.

You don't exist.

You don't exist!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

You don't exist!

You don't exist!

No!

No! No!

No!

No!

You need sleep.

I think I shall have to resign myself to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able to face the facts, have you?

The facts?

Oh, yes, my lord.

Can you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

Are you ready?

Will you speak your lines, sister Isis?

Long have I wandered in the land of men in search of you,

brother Osiris.

I have been killed and cut into bits.

You put my pieces together,

bringing back life with a kiss.

He's waving at us.

Wave back.

It doesn't matter.

It's only a show.

Dancing master, who are these people?

They are the dancers from Troy,

divine Caesar.

Troy?

Do they know Hector's dance of death?

Yes, Lord!

You want to see my dance?

The Password?

Password?

Scrotum.

So be it.

I

live.

I live!

I

still

live

Now.

Guards!

Hail Claudius Caesar!

Hail! Hail! Hail!