Original subtitles

♪ You never said your name ♪

♪ And I took you just the same ♪

♪ And we danced to the beat of a different drum ♪

♪ Hot nights and so much fun ♪

♪ We were beautiful and we were young ♪

♪ We had the eyes of the world on us ♪

♪ Don't need to tell you that I'm almost there ♪

♪ We're moving fast, but I just don't care ♪

♪ Without your love, I've got too much to bare ♪

♪ Feels like the world's crashing down ♪

♪ World's crashing down ♪

♪ Just stay with me, just stay with me ♪

♪ Say you will just stay with me, just stay with me ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

Hey, excuse me.

Excuse me. You guys did great out there.

You look beautiful. - Thank you.

Yeah, so you guys, are you together,

or do you think I can get a dance?

We're married, pal.

Oh, you're married, you're married?

Did you hear what I said? We're married.

See this ring? It's platinum.

That means strength. You can't break platinum.

You understand? - All right, all right.

I didn't know, I didn't know.

No problem.

But we're dancing together, you still come up.

All right, all right. It's all good.

He was so hot. What's wrong with you?

I'm not in the mood.

This is why I wear this ring. Why do I wear this ring?

Because it attracts the boys.

Besides that. Well, I do.

And then when I'm done with them I go,

"I gotta go home to my husband."

That's, this is why.

But another reason is 'cause I protect you.

I protect you. I'm a rescue squad.

Everyone having a great time tonight?

Come on! What the hell am doing this for?

Is everyone having a great time tonight?

Are you ready for this dance contest?

Yeah!

I don't think anyone has in here

So I'm gonna need two couples to get up here

and volunteer and show this club what they've got.

What do you think? Should we do it?

No, Jill, this kind of place,

it's just better to watch.

You guys think you can dethrone the queen?

Do you think they can?

No!

All right. Let's see what you got.

Do you want fast or slow music?

Fast.

That was good, that was good.

All right, all right, not bad.

What kind of music do you guys want? Slow or fast?

Slow.

All right.

Ooh, wow.

Not bad. Not bad, but I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to do a lot better than that

to take my title.

I don't even need do dance.

What are you all talking about? I'm a professional dancer.

I'm so confident I can take this title,

you can put me with anyone in this club

and I'll still win the competition.

Hey you, what's your name?

M-me? Me?

Yeah, you. I'm looking right at you.

Oh, m-my name's Jack.

Jack. My name's Samantha.

It seems to have a little problem here.

I got to running my mouth saying I could win this contest

with anyone in here.

So I'm afraid you're gonna have to dance with me.

Wait. Oh, I'm not supposed to be here.

I, no, no, no, wait.

That's obvious.

DJ, give us something to dance to.

Oh no. I feel so bad for him.

♪ Got no place that I can call home ♪

♪ Got no taste for fancy things to own ♪

♪ Got no need for banks to give me loans ♪

- What happened? - Wow!

♪ Let me be alone, let me be alone ♪

♪ Let me be alone, let me be alone ♪

♪ Let me be alone ♪

♪ We don't need them, Lord, I swear ♪

♪ We ain't bleeding, we don't care ♪

♪ Got no boss, work my fingers to the bone ♪

♪ All that greed that we have ever known ♪

♪ We don't need them, let us be alone ♪

Jack, that was the best thing I have ever seen.

It was your girlfriend's idea.

She called me at work and she was like,

"You gotta come to the club tonight."

It came to me in a dream.

I do these dance contests every week and thought

"Let's see if we could surprise them this time."

Do you think anybody filmed it?

I'm sure if you searched "Nerd dance partner" on YouTube

it's already trending.

Look, as much as I love hanging with you guys,

I gotta get going.

Man, there's like five days left of the year.

I know, I know.

But I got a big client presentation.

All right. I'll see you, man.

I will be in a little later tomorrow.

That was awesome, Jack. Really.

We gotta do it again sometime.

We'll see.

All right, bro.

Don't drink too much.

Too late.

Hi.

Well, hello.

What do you need, honey?

I was hoping to meet the guy that danced earlier.

He was amazing.

You literally just missed him.

Oh, okay. Crap.

Well, I'm assuming you guys

worked all of that out beforehand, yeah?

Just a quick practice before the club opened,

but Jack can dance.

He used to be a ballroom dance teacher.

Wow.

Well, great show, guys.

Really. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You didn't do shit.

♪ Like on TV, I've been sleazy ♪

♪ I'm a bachelor ♪

♪ Know you like it when you call us from your guest house ♪

♪ Well, I'm hot, heat must hurt, need a catch-up ♪

♪ Somewhere between a rock and hard place ♪

♪ Somewhere between love and heartache ♪

♪ I've been thinking about you all day ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm thinking 'bout you always ♪

♪ Feels like a hundred degrees when you're looking at me ♪

♪ In the middle of the winter and I still feel the heat ♪

♪ When you give me cold shoulder, I can watch you leave ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a hundred degrees when you're looking at me ♪

Nice night.

Hm.

The year almost turns.

Yeah, I know. It went so fast.

You are going to find what you are looking for.

Oh, is that so?

You are going to meet the love of your life

before midnight on New Year's Eve.

Well, thank you. I hope so.

Oh, no.

You.

You are going to find what you are looking for.

I am?

Yes, you are going to meet the love of your life

by midnight on New Year's Eve.

Wow.

What's your name?

Madame Cecile.

Well, thank you, Madame Cecile.

You're welcome.

The love of my life in five days, huh?

Crap.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Through the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bobtail ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to ride and sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Now the ground is white, go it while you're young ♪

♪ Take the girls along and sing a sleighing song ♪

♪ Just get a bobtailed bay, 240 as your speed ♪

♪ Hitch him to an open sleigh ♪

♪ And crack, you'll take the lead ♪

♪ Oh jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Well, I went through a shitty divorce and I guess

I had PTSD or something, you know?

How could someone you loved and trusted turn so nasty?

Literally I'd put my life on hold for her.

I realized I'd given her everything.

Stopped dancing.

You know, I used to teach ballroom dancing

and she wouldn't even dance with me socially.

Stopped hanging out with my friends.

And I think maybe only now

am I ready to start dating again.

W-well, Jack, um, when I said "How's it going?"

I meant like, "How's your day going?"

You know, like.

- Oh. - Yeah.

So the presentation you had for us?

Right. The presentation.

Great.

If you'll open your folders to page one,

I, I had outlined a whole dance program, a whole software.

Hello.

Hello. So, Jilly Jill, did you have fun last night?

Shouldn't I be asking you that question?

Maybe.

So what was it?

What you'd expect. He wants a relationship, I don't.

Of course. What is that?

Why is that in life when you don't wanna a relationship,

you get countless offers?

You are all about getting back into a relationship?

You've just gotten out of a horrible one.

I know, I know.

But something kind of amazing happened last night.

Hm. Miss positive hm.

What happened?

I met this old woman who told me that I was going to

meet the love of my life before the end of the year.

An old lady? Like a fairy godmother?

Well, it's not like she did the whole

bibbidi-bobbiti-boo thing, but you know,

there was some sort of magic there.

There was some magic.

So she must have done a little salagadoola me chick a boola.

You know I'm all about that.

Wait, what are you doing?

I am finally putting you on a dating app.

Patrick, no.

What do you think?

Your soulmate's just gonna walk by the office?

- Some old lady said this? - Yes.

- That's so random. - Agreed.

And then she handed me a cat.

What, like an actual cat?

Yep. And then she walked away.

And you kept the cat.

Well, I didn't want Whiskers to be all alone.

You named her?

Him.

Okay, dude. Dude, dude, dude.

I see this as a sign.

I've been dying to set you up with

my friend Hillary from the gym.

Now I'm doing it. - Tonight?

Totally.

Tomorrow's the company picnic. It's like a day off anyways.

You're gonna love Hillary.

She's in great shape, really obsessed.

Oh, you wanna do like a double date thing?

You and Samantha?

Nah, we don't do the normal date shit.

We're just gonna stay home tonight

and go through Craigslist.

Craigslist? Please tell me you're looking for furniture.

Well, if furniture is code for women that want three-ways,

then yes.

Wait, you're serious?

You judge, but I am living the dream, bro.

Samantha has an insatiable appetite

for hooking up with women.

She finds them on Craigslist, lures them in,

and then bam, three-way.

Living the dream.

The dream in my pants.

Yeah, oh, Hillary.

No, I, uh, I was, I was reading an ad for jeans out loud.

Those things are so stupid.

Look, are you free tonight?

Great. You're going on a blind date.

You up for it?

Perfect.

Where do you wanna meet her?

Hillary?

Hey, dude. You must be Jake.

Jack.

All good. So how long you known David?

A long time.

We were friends in college and now we work together.

How about you?

Just this year. Met at the gym.

♪ When we get to talk, it's all about you ♪

♪ And right now, baby ♪

♪ I think I'm better off alone ♪

Jill?

Carter.

♪ So get a grip, get real, or get gone ♪

Enchante.

So David said you like to work out.

Guilty. You?

Well, no, not really.

I guess I'm in pretty good shape,

but I just try to stay active.

Hm. I hate you.

What?

You're one of those people that

don't have to work out, aren't you?

I guess.

Hate that shit.

You're on multiple dating apps?

No, I mean, no. Well, yes.

My friend actually hooked me up on like all of them

this morning, actually.

So you've never used them before?

No, not before today. No.

Come on.

I mean, it's the way things are done these days,

I was worried at first too, but it seems to be going okay.

Well, what were you worried about?

Well, I'm an actor.

I'm sure you read that on my profile.

I don't know if you had a chance to Wikipedia me,

but you know, I didn't wanna be exposed on the dating sites

and ruin my fan base.

Your fan base?

Ever since the reality shows.

Reality shows?

Yeah.

All right, it all started when I had a few scenes

on "Billionaire Matchmaker".

I was one of the matches for the female billionaires.

And then there was "Sexy Submarine".

Is that the one where you have to

serve naked on a submarine?

Yes.

And now I'm up for a new show.

How do you top being naked on submarine?

It's a reality star rehab show.

Oh, you're a drug addict.

No. But I'm working on it.

That's great music.

Totally, right?

Hey, do you like to dance?

- I do. - Okay!

Let's finish these few beers I bought and let's do this.

Oh.

Cheers. Oh, geez.

This is a, this is a great song.

You wanna dance?

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, you dance?

Oh, of course you do.

You're an actor. You probably do everything.

Don't assume anything about me.

Come on.

♪ Act like a man ♪

♪ Whine and moan and sit around all day ♪

♪ I get home after 15 hours, you got nothing to say ♪

Oh wow.

That's, okay.

Yeah.

- Whoo! - Oh.

♪ Get a grip, get real, or get gone ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Oh, wow.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Hey, I'm, uh. - You okay?

Yeah, I'm just, I'm really hot in here.

- Ah. - Right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

No. Do you mind if we just maybe like, just take a break?

- Lead the way. - Okay.

♪ Is gonna give you the blues ♪

♪ Like walking uphill down a dead-end road ♪

You ready to do this?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, what are you doing?

I lead when I dance.

You lead? Isn't it better if I lead?

Okay, Mr. Old-Fashioned,

you think you can lead better than I can?

Yes?

Go ahead.

Great.

No, no.

I wasn't feeling it out there.

Yeah. Neither, neither was I.

Yeah. I think I know the problem.

You think I'm fat.

Oh, no, no. I, I, I don't.

Yeah. You think I'm a fat piece of shit.

Oh, I really don't, no.

All right. I'm gonna leave this with you guys.

Just let me know if I need anything else.

Thank you.

I didn't have anything, so.

It's all you.

Wait, did you just drop your accent?

Yeah. I told you not to assume anything about me.

They found me.

Hey, sorry. You see, I was on a hot date.

You guys get a tip that I was here, or?

Yeah, we're not here for whoever you think you are.

Mark Wahlberg's in there.

I'm a fat piece of shit.

Yeah, totally.

Nope, nope. Trying to go this way.

Okay. Thanks.

Nope, nope. You're fighting.

Don't fight me.

All right. Hey.

Okay. This ain't working.

I think you needs to let me lead.

That's not gonna happen.

Oh. Is this a competition?

Oh. no. God, no.

I think it is.

You wanna go somewhere and see who really leads?

I guess?

He was humping me from behind on the dance floor.

It was awful. Is it me, Amy?

Yes, it's you.

I appreciate your honesty.

I'm just keeping a real for my maid of honor.

It's like women have this checklist

and each year they grow older,

the list gets smaller and smaller.

At first it's a passionate, well-built,

financially stable man with a great sense of humor.

Then the years go by, you look back on your list,

and it's now narrowed down to just employed.

Wow.

You soon realize you gotta settle.

So Ron is just your like, settle guy?

Hey, Jill.

Hey Ron. We were just talking about you.

Oh yeah? What are you girls up to?

Looking at wedding dresses. So scram.

Okay.

I'm gonna go work out.

Love you.

I love you too.

Yeah, I'm settling.

Ron's not a rocket scientist, but look at him.

Come on. You should see his dad.

There's something in their genes. It's like they don't eat.

Oh, I am not going to settle.

Oh, that's right.

The gypsy lady thingy.

Mm-hm. Four days left after tonight.

The exact day of your wedding,

and the last night of the year.

Gonna meet the love of your life, huh?

Ron?

Hey, babe. What are you girls up to?

Don't you have a friend coming to the wedding

who might be good for Jill?

Which one?

The one, you know.

Just gimme your phone.

I'll find him and dial it for you.

So I go out thinking I'm gonna meet the love of my life

and she signs me up for a gym membership.

Let it go, Jack. You'll find her.

So it's fantastic to meet you.

I mean, we connect on so many levels.

And you're so attractive.

And do you like to dance?

No, no. You hate dancing.

Oh no.

God damn, even in my fantasies the girl's not right?

Hello. - Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Hey Ron, listen,

looking forward to the wedding this weekend,

but I don't have my charger and my phone's about to die.

Oh yeah. Hey, listen.

I have a girl here that wants to meet you.

Okay, great, but-

Hang on. I'm gonna put her on.

That's great. - I'll call you when I get,

wait, no, Ron, wait!

Hello?

Great, great.

He hung up.

What? That sucks.

Yeah. The story of my life.

No, no, no. Let me call him back.

I'm gonna give him some hell.

What's his name?

No, don't, don't.

If he doesn't wanna pick up, he doesn't wanna pick up.

He doesn't wanna talk, he doesn't wanna talk. It's fine.

What if that gypsy lady was just a homeless man in drag?

Well, I guess I have four days to find out.

There you are. Miss Positivity.

Perfect maid of honor.

Oh yeah. 300, great.

Oh, I love apps.

Hey, Whiskers. Hi, buddy.

How was your day?

Gotta charge my phone.

All right.

Don't sound desperate, don't sound desperate,

don't sound desperate.

No?

Okay.

Yeah, no, no, I talk to girls all the time.

How you doing?

Hey, it's Ron.

Leave a message at the beep.

Um, hey, this is Ron.

I can't really remember who I'm leaving this message for.

Just, will you call me back, okay?

Hey, Ron, bro, broski.

Hey man, I just, um,

I wanted to leave this message 'cause my phone died,

and I'd really love to talk to that girl, you know,

but I, I'm not desperate or anything.

I just thought that maybe, um.

You know what? Forget it.

I'm going to sleep. Gimme a call when you get this message.

Not bad, not bad, Jack.

Super bad, super bad.

That sounded super desperate.

You're a cat. What do you know?

♪ Circling 'round the same drives ♪

Hey, Jack.

Oh, hey. Ah, Samantha!

You made it to this nutso event.

I don't have to work tonight,

and David kept telling me how kitsch it was.

Hey, I want you to meet our new friend, Vanessa.

- Jack. - Nice to meet you.

Did you get her on Craigslist?

No, I met her in the bathroom line. She's for you.

So we brought Vanessa over because

we figured that you might like to meet her.

Whoa. How much do I owe you for this favor?

You are so funny.

I'm sorry, I just love a man with a good sense of humor.

Oh, we're using I word already.

So do you work for AES?

Oh, Jack is a rock star in the IT department.

Ooh, a rock star.

- How about you? - Oh, I'm in accounting.

I'm good at accounting.

How come I haven't met you before?

Oh, it's a big company.

I'm sure there's a lot of people we haven't met.

We're in the car and we get to that awkward silence part,

you know, the right before the kiss awkward silence.

And, and, and?

And he leans in to kiss me.

And as he does, he looks me dead in the eye and he goes,

"You look just like my father."

Oh, gross.

I mean, you know, yeah. It was disgusting.

I mean, if he said, "Oh, Daddy," that's hot,

but he didn't.

He said, he was very specific.

He said, "You look just like my father."

Okay. Well, did you kiss?

No. Yeah, well, yeah.

Well, yeah, we did.

But only for like 30 seconds.

- Of course. - No, I didn't.

Hello, my name is Patrick and this is

my very, very single friend Jill.

Connor. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, do you work for AES?

I haven't seen you around.

Oh, no. Just here with my wife.

What the hell is your problem?

You do not need another married man.

You've done that already.

He was just, he was nice. We were just talking.

No, I was just talking.

I'm the taster.

I taste, and if I don't die in 10 seconds from poison,

then I give you the spoon.

You don't have to taste.

I have to taste for you because your instincts

are very, very blurry.

And ain't nobody got time for that. What do you got?

Like four days? What do you got left?

I don't know. Let me check.

Oh, good. Look at your phone.

I've got three days and 10 hours.

That guy looks really familiar to me.

Hey, you're Jill, right?

You work in custom printing?

Yeah, right.

And you're, uh...

Ted. - Todd.

Todd, right. I'm sorry, sorry.

I was close though.

You're in the, you work in the warehouse, right?

Bingo. - Yeah.

So what kind of music do you listen to?

Mostly country.

Hmm. I could dig country.

Maybe I should keep this one.

Tie him up like a young bull.

Gag his mouth.

I'm gonna get another drink.

Any, any of you guys want one?

I'll come.

Vanessa, uh, do you mind staying with David?

I have to talk to Jack about something.

Oh, I, I guess.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Thank you, Sam.

I could see you freaking out already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Major stalky.

Oh, come on. She's just nervous.

She seemed pretty confident to me.

Don't ruin this before it starts, jackass.

Uh, I'm sorry.

But she is super desperate and major stalky.

- How can you tell? - I get a vibe.

Trust me. I know women.

She's, she's fine.

I mean, she is hot and if she's crazy,

that just means she's better in bed.

Hi.

Hi, um, I'm here to pick up Vanessa.

Mom, he's here.

So are you the guy that's gonna be my new daddy?

Just going to a bar, going to a bar.

Just going to have a couple drinks.

Are you guys coming back here tonight?

Vanessa?

♪ You're so sexy ♪

♪ Lie here and dream along with me ♪

♪ Together, let's ride ♪

♪ Closer and closer each day ♪

♪ Hold onto those treasures ♪

♪ The rust isn't built to decay ♪

♪ Now we move so closely ♪

♪ The fences have all gone away ♪

How long have you been dancing?

My whole life.

It shows.

Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.

- I like that. - All right.

Cheers.

Ooh! What was that?

It's called a Scooby snack.

You don't think it's too sweet?

I hate the taste of alcohol, but I love getting drunk.

Well, what the hell. You only live once.

Is that what the youngins say these days?

I mean, I guess.

I could fall in love with you.

Oh.

Don't you feel that chemistry?

No, I, yeah, I feel it.

I feel like I could cut you open and live inside you.

Oh geez.

You don't think I'm too old for you?

Nope. Actually, you're just my type.

Let me guess.

You were abused at some point.

Abused chicks always dig me.

Oh yes. Oh yes.

You should, like, oh, hi.

So we gonna close this tonight, or?

You're not having fun.

No, no, not really.

What's up?

Well, after the little hot daughter, new daddy incident

and the fact that Vanessa just told me she loves me

and she wants to cut me open and live inside me,

I realized something, David.

Which is?

Maybe I just want somebody to dance with,

somebody to go out and have fun with,

no complications, no responsibilities, no commitments.

I don't know.

I saw you out there. You're a pretty great dancer.

Thank you.

Okay, so I'm gonna go up on the bar,

I'm gonna run and jump into your arms.

You sure that's a good idea?

I do it all the time.

Can you catch me?

Well, yes, sure, but, oh, okay.

And I'm catching this on video.

Oh, geez.

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ What do we long for anyway ♪

Guess she lost interest.

That could have been your soul mate.

I hope you get syphilis one day.

Oh look. There's your chance.

Oh, that is hot.

I'm outta here.

Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe we could do a little four-way action.

No thanks.

All right, suit yourself.

Enjoy being cut open.

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ So we say whoa, whoa ♪

You didn't catch me.

Well, what are you doing?

Why are you chewing ice? It's a sign of frustration.

You can't do that.

You can't let people know you're frustrated.

I wanna eat that whole thing,

but I won't give them the pleasure of knowing

how frustrated I really am.

What do you think?

Mmm. Sexy.

If you want people to know you're a slut.

I'm so glad Jill brought you today.

Dammit. The wedding is in three days.

The other dress was perfect.

Why do you wanna change everything last minute?

No, it was wrong for me. I couldn't pull it off.

I thought I was gonna get into better shape.

I can't believe I'm dealing with this right now.

So how's it going?

It's going.

Oh Jill, I love you because you're such a dreamer.

A bag lady gives you a fortune and you take it to heart

and it doesn't work out.

That's an understatement, Patrick.

Ever since she told me I'd meet the love of my life,

all I've attracted are shitty dudes.

Well, maybe it's all prepped for the big one.

How do you know what you want

if you don't know what you don't want?

Because I've been practicing my whole life.

So what do you want?

What do you think?

Ooh, I love it.

Oh, that would be perfect for a shotgun wedding in Vegas.

You should get pregnant first.

Come sit. You're good.

So Okay. What'd I miss?

We're talking about Jill's dream guy.

Again with this?

Just go for a guy who doesn't treat you like shit

and isn't hard on the eyes.

Done.

What do you say, Patrick? Me and you.

I'm pretty sure you don't have a penis.

That's one of my requirements.

Don't you have anyone else you know

who might be good for Jill?

Have you met Mark, my professor friend?

Ooh, a teacher.

They believe in a hands-on approach.

Okay. Get, get, get, we need to get you a dress.

Come on we need to find you something.

Hurry up, you're drunk.

Straight, straight lines. Straight lines.

Ooh. So pretty.

Ooh. So pale.

Ooh. Oh, I love that.

Yes. That's beautiful.

Is this an Amish wedding?

That's the one.

Boobies, boobies, boobies.

Hello everybody. I'm Joan Crawford.

Discipline mixed with love is the best recipe.

Beat your children.

What do you think? Nice, right?

Yeah. It's great.

Who are you texting?

That girl Vanessa.

She's a freak, Jack.

Last night after the three-way action, she leaves,

and when she gets home,

she texts Samantha and I, "I made it home safe."

Okay.

Then she sends a nudie pic.

Nice.

No. See, we were asleep by then.

So this morning when we wake up, we each have like 40 texts,

each more psycho than the last,

about how we used her and we're ignoring her now.

I called that. She had crazy eyes.

You gotta get out while you can.

Oh, no way, man. That sex was epic.

Like "Lawrence of Arabia" epic.

Is that all it's about for you?

That's like 90% of it, yeah.

Anyways, we're bringing her to Ron's wedding.

- Are you nuts? - What?

You're, you're bringing your three-way sex toy

to Ron's wedding?

Well, he said it was fine.

David. Of course he did.

Ron is an idiot. We've known him since college.

He's the nicest guy, but there's not much going on up there.

Are we even sure he went to college with us?

I never saw him go to class.

He just stayed in the apartment.

Honestly, I think he just thought living at

the off-campus apartments with us

meant he was going to college.

Ah, now he's getting married.

What the hell are you drinking, by the way?

It's a protein shake my trainer put me on.

Your trainer?

I don't wanna talk about it.

So who are you bringing to the wedding?

I don't have a date yet.

Let's fix that.

Yeah. I can take care of myself.

You should bring Vanessa's daughter.

So what's this movie?

It's called.

It was Germany's Best Foreign Language Film entry

for the Oscars this year.

- Oh, that's cool. - Yeah.

So how long have you been teaching?

15 years. Yeah.

You love it?

I do.

What do you teach?

Chemistry, for high school seniors.

Yeah, yeah.

Any chance you'll ever break bad?

You know that show is extremely offensive

to chemistry teachers.

Do you wanna get some popcorn?

Why not? You want, you need popcorn right now?

You want me to get some popcorn? I'll get your popcorn.

- Hi. - Hi.

So 30 seconds. Tell me something about you.

Well, I'm divorced. I work in IT.

I used to teach ballroom dancing.

I don't anymore, but I still love to go out dancing.

Your turn.

I have BPD, which is borderline personality disorder.

I've been in and out of mental hospitals my whole life.

I'm also bipolar.

- You like to dance? - No.

Oh, one large popcorn, please.

Ooh. Can we get some butter on that, please?

Oh, no, wait.

Two large popcorns. One no butter.

Thank you.

What, do you not like butter?

It wouldn't be butter, it'd be diacetyl.

Synthetic butter.

When heated to high temperatures,

diacetyl vaporizes and becomes toxic.

Maybe they should have put that shit in "Breaking Bad".

So what do you do?

Um, I work for a software company,

but I don't work directly for our software.

I'm in the graphic design department.

Oh, you don't have to apologize for that.

Was I apologizing?

I don't know. I mean, you didn't sound very proud of it.

Thank you.

You've never been?

To a sex party house? No, no.

Here's what I'm saying.

Couples get a discounted rate.

We can go together as a couple, no strings attached.

And then when we get there, we could bang whoever we want.

And if you don't like the person,

then we could just say your girlfriend

or boyfriend doesn't approve.

So look, if you're it, you just add your name to the list.

"Christine's Bang Bang Party."

Oh, it's at the Hotel Camelot.

I had a baptism there once.

I've been dying to see this movie.

They say it inspires and has a message at the same time.

Can't wait.

You having a good time?

- Yeah. - Hm.

Sagittarius.

My ex was a Sag.

Is that a good thing?

- Well, yeah. - Thank God.

Craig was such a strong foundation for me.

He provided for me, took care of me, but I don't know.

I guess I felt something was missing.

I made a mistake.

Slept with his brother.

And that part he couldn't forgive.

I want him back so bad.

Craig?

No, his brother.

So sex after this, right?

Well, I think we squeezed

all we can outta these 30 seconds.

I concur.

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

I would love to take this further.

Me too.

Okay. Quick, before they ding us off.

Let me get your number.

Here. I'll put it in your phone.

Okay.

Living the dream?

You're not gonna give me your number now, are you.

I give up.

♪ All right, all right, let's do this ♪

♪ How do you sleep doing what you've been doing ♪

♪ After all the things you've been putting me through ♪

♪ After all of the things you've been accusing me of ♪

♪ Your secret castles made of sand ♪

♪ Watch out, the tide's rolling in ♪

♪ How do you think you could get away with such a thing ♪

♪ Can go out at night while you're wearing your ring ♪

♪ For such a beautiful girl you do some nasty things ♪

♪ Bet your closet's filled up ♪

♪ Your spiderweb's got me tangled up ♪

♪ I been watching you, I knew you were up to no good ♪

♪ So deranged, wouldn't change even if you could ♪

♪ My baby, somebody save me ♪

♪ She's a deadly catch ♪

♪ Burning them up like Godzilla ♪

♪ Officially bad, she's a beautiful pro killer ♪

♪ Go dim the lights ♪

♪ Turn your head to the right ♪

♪ Treating me wrong, girl, I like it when you play along ♪

♪ You look so nice in that little white thong ♪

♪ Just like an angel with the devil in you ♪

♪ Take it off, let me see the real you ♪

♪ Say you love me, but you won't be true ♪

♪ What a deadly catch, got me hooked on you ♪

♪ I been watching you, I been watching you ♪

♪ Up to no good ♪

♪ So deranged, wouldn't change even if you could ♪

♪ Ooh, my baby, somebody save me ♪

♪ She's a deadly catch ♪

♪ Burning them up like Godzilla ♪

♪ Officially bad, she's a beautiful pro killer ♪

♪ Turn out the lights, girl, I knew you would ♪

♪ So deranged, wouldn't change even if she could ♪

♪ Ooh, my baby, somebody save me ♪

♪ She's a deadly catch ♪

♪ Burning them up like Godzilla ♪

♪ Officially bad, she's a beautiful pro killer ♪

♪ I been watching you, girl, I knew you were up to no good ♪

♪ So deranged, wouldn't change ♪

Wow.

So Ron, where's your father?

He is right over there.

He's 75.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. You gotta be kidding me.

Guys, you didn't wear your tuxes?

Hello, hello. Sorry, sorry I'm late.

Sorry, Amy, Ron, hello.

Father Mitchell, and hello to everyone else.

I'm never gonna remember all of your names.

So I know you're dying to get to the rehearsal dinner.

I'll make this as quick and painless

as I possibly can, all right?

Your Honor, I am so sorry that everybody didn't dress up.

You don't dress up for the rehearsal, Ron.

But goddamn, you look handsome.

Amy!

And Ron, let's go ahead and get you two in the middle here.

And let's have the women of the bridal party line up

to Amy's left, the groomsmen to Ron's right.

There we go. We settled?

Fantastic. Okay.

So the bridal party will come down one by one

and they'll arrive and assemble right here.

And we don't need to rehearse that, do we?

No, sir.

Okay.

And I'm to understand that Ron's father

will be walking Amy down the aisle, which would be you.

Yes. Ben Davis.

Perfect.

He's 75.

Wow. Really?

Okay, Ben, go ahead and you walk her down.

You will arrive here.

Once you arrive here, you will hand Amy to Ron,

and then you will go ahead and take your seat on the aisle.

Well, I actually wanted my mother

to walk with my Nana first.

We should practice that one.

Mom, where's Nana?

She's in the bathroom.

Fine. Let's just move on.

Amy. We can't get married without your Nana here.

Ron. This is not the wedding.

This is the rehearsal.

My sparkling butterfly, are you getting cold feet?

Tomorrow is the wedding. Jesus Christ.

Amy!

Who the hell cleans this place?

These bathrooms are a shithole.

Everyone.

I just wanted to say a few words before we got started.

You know, rehearsal dinners are so very special.

Well, not just for the wedding party,

but for our closest of closest of friends.

And we all know that my husband, Amy's dad Charlie,

is, is here with us, watching over us right now.

So Amy, Ron, tomorrow is going to be,

oh, now what do you kids call it?

Epic.

Tomorrow is going to be epic,

because your dad is gonna be right here with us

pulling all the right strings.

Hear, hear!

Oh, cheers.

Cheers.

I love you, Mom.

I love you too, baby.

Let's eat, let's eat, let's eat, let's eat,

let's eat, let's eat, let's eat.

I'm hungry.

Oh, that poor kid is about his eating.

You know, Charlie may not have been her real father.

Hi, I'm Jill.

Gabe.

Nice to meet you.

Likewise.

You ready for tomorrow?

After Ron's bachelor party,

I think I'll be ready for anything.

Drinks?

Sure.

I was gonna get a martini.

You?

I love martinis.

Awesome. Let's go.

Whoo!

So, you wanna do the geek dance again tonight?

Ah, nah, not that it wasn't fun,

but it just didn't lead to any hookups for me.

If it did, he'd want to do it every night.

No, I'd go geek 24/7.

Some girl was looking for you that night.

Wait, what did she look like?

She was gorgeous.

Oh, come on. You're just telling me this right now?

You left so quickly, what could I do?

I forgot about it.

Look, Jack, sometimes something is set in motion

and you may never find out the results.

What does that mean?

Like, say the girl that saw you dance that night

is your soul mate.

That would mean you're destined to bump into her again.

You sound just like that crazy old lady on the bridge,

On the bridge?

I thought you said he went to a fortune-teller.

No, some lady ran into him on Lake Avenue.

And said he was gonna meet the love of his life

in five days? - Yes.

Her name's Cecile. She's demented.

She tells everyone that. Tries to give them a cat too.

Whiskers?

You took the cat?

Never take the cat!

That's a thing?

Oh, come on.

So you in this entire week where I've had some of the

crappiest dates of my life, it's been leading up to nothing?

We don't know that yet. Maybe it's all destiny.

Yeah, I'm thinking it's all bullshit.

Can we get another round of shots, please?

Tonight's the night, Jack. We are finding your soul mate.

Yeah?

Yes. I'm 100% focused.

Hang on.

Are you guys having fun tonight?

What is she doing?

Some of you guys might have been here last week

when I had this geek with me and we surprised everyone

and won the dance contest.

Who saw that?

Oh no, no.

Please tell me she's not doing this.

Well, that geek's here again tonight

and surprise surprise, he ain't no geek.

He's hot and he's single, ladies.

Too much?

And then I told him, "You take out the dry cleaning~"

I just love that so much.

He loves that story.

Oh, sweetie, look at your hands.

Aw. They look so happy together.

Really?

I love this song. Wanna dance?

Yeah. I would love that.

♪ I heard you singing from the balcony ♪

You ready for this?

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause you're my baby ♪

Easy, tiger, slow down.

What, you can't handle these moves?

I don't think anyone can handle these moves.

Oh, are you, are you okay?

So have you ever traveled?

Tons of places.

I used to travel the world for ballroom dance competitions.

Oh, wow.

Do you dance?

No, not really.

Well, have you ever traveled?

No, unfortunately, but I want to.

Well, maybe we could travel together someday.

I would like that.

♪ Got a few things I could a told your parents about ♪

What's so funny?

Nothing. Just some good friends.

Oh yeah, Samantha.

She's like the MC here or something, right?

Yep.

She called you out earlier.

She did.

Well, I'm happy she did.

Otherwise how would we have met?

To Samantha.

To Samantha.

This is gonna sound nuts,

but sometimes I like to just go with the flow.

Okay. I love doing that.

All right. Well, tomorrow I have a wedding to go to.

It's a friend I've known for years and I don't have a date.

Would you like to go with me?

I would.

Fantastic.

- I love weddings. - Me too.

Have you ever been married?

You know, I didn't think you were gonna

come forward like that on that move.

Really?

Even after the way you yanked me towards you like that?

I guess when you put it that way.

Apology accepted.

Hey. I'm sorry, okay?

Are you two brother and sister?

No.

Oh, okay.

Probably cousins.

Ah, beautiful bride.

Awkward.

Hey, can we start over?

Sure.

Hi, my name's Gabe.

I'm Jill.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sis.

So it didn't end well?

How many divorces do?

Are you happier now?

I am.

Well, that's all that matters.

How about you?

You ever been married?

No. God, no.

All right. Let's lighten it up.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Yes, officer.

Let's see. What's your favorite movie?

Um, I like "Frozen".

All right. Who's your favorite musician?

Selena Gomez.

All right. What's your favorite TV show?

I like "Fuller House".

Wait, how old are you?

I just turned 21.

How about you?

You know.

I mean, it doesn't matter to me.

Age is like, totally a state of mind.

I agree.

Okay. So how old are you?

I'm 42.

Okay.

So when I was born, you were already of legal drinking age.

Hey, you two.

You guys look like couple of the night

from where I'm standing.

Yeah. We're having a good time.

So anything crazy about you that Jack should know?

What? I figured I'd get it out of the way.

I mean, I did stab my last boyfriend.

May I help you, buddy?

Yes. Hi.

I'm here to pick up a suit. Jack Fisher.

And you, bro?

I'm here to pick up a suit as well.

Patrick Dewitt.

The Davis wedding on New Year's Eve?

- Same. - Huh.

You two together?

Uh, yeah.

I'm Jack.

I'm Patrick.

Are you friends with the bride or the groom?

I've known Amy for years and years.

Ron's been my friend a long, long time.

You look really familiar.

Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing.

Here you go, butt buddies.

Do you work, you work for AES.

- I do. - You do, right?

- Yes. - Ah, that's it.

I knew I wasn't crazy.

How are you two paying for this?

I don't know. How do you wanna pay for this, honey?

You wanna split it this time?

Yes, darling.

Here you go, dear.

Such a gentleman.

Now I know who the girl is. Pansies.

I don't know if you're snorting

too much dry cleaning fluid lately,

but I'm gonna tell you something.

If it wasn't for butt buddies and pansies,

you wouldn't even have a business,

'cause most of the clothes that you clean

are designed by butt buddies and pansies.

And by the way, your business is named after a gay bar.

Let's go.

You look lost.

Oh yeah. Cards are like, not my thing.

Do you work here?

No, I am actually card-shopping as well.

Oh, I can't seem to find the right one.

All I see are Christmas cards.

Oh, what are you looking for?

A wedding card.

Oh, me too.

Whose wedding?

My friend Amy.

Marrying Ron?

Yes. I'm the maid of honor.

Oh yeah, that's just great.

Ron's an old college buddy of mine.

Yeah. I'm David, by the way.

Jill.

So random.

Or maybe not.

Yeah, my girlfriend gave me some parameters

on the type of card to get.

Oh.

Oh yeah. I have a girlfriend.

Sorry?

No, no, it's, trust me.

I was expecting something to not go right.

Why?

Um, it's a long story.

Oh, tell it quickly.

Put it all in one fast sentence.

Okay.

This week has been nuts.

I've been on five of the worst dates ever.

I was told I'm gonna meet the love of my life.

I want to meet the love of my life.

And this week has assured me

that that is never going to happen.

Okay. I think I got it all.

Impressive.

Wait a minute. I know you.

You do?

We met at the Track. My girlfriend's the MC.

It was dark. - Yeah. Yeah.

I remember. - Yeah.

I remember, you were looking for...

Jill, do you dance?

Yes.

I think I may have solved your problem already.

I believe I have the perfect guy for you. Hang on.

Do you have like 30 minutes to stop by

Casa Vega down the street?

So my dating life lately has been a little, um...

Precarious.

That's why I'm saying you need to meet my friend Jill.

She's going through the same thing.

Are you bringing a date to the wedding?

Yeah. You?

Sand to the beach? Never.

Weddings bring out the gays like a parade.

So who are you bringing?

Some girl I met at the club the other night.

You don't seem very excited about it.

I'm not, unfortunately.

I think you need to meet Jill before tonight.

But she'll be at the wedding.

Yeah. She's the maid of honor.

Mm. Is she bringing a date?

No, that's what I'm getting at here, Jack.

You might be able to upgrade before it's too late.

I couldn't.

I mean, maybe. I don't know.

It's not that my current date is horrible or anything.

It's just that she's not the one.

Well, yeah, I was gonna say potential psychotic,

but you know, not the one works as well.

You are too cute to be ignored.

I'm gonna send you to my buddy's restaurant down the street.

It's called Roar. It's the hottest gay bar in town.

Very, very charming and Jill loves the place.

It's not open yet because the gays

don't come out of the coffin til the sun goes down.

But you go there and I will have Jill meet you.

I'd go with you, but I have to run to a meeting.

Are you okay with going to a gay bar by yourself?

I think I can handle it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna text my buddy Hank, the manager.

Let him know you're coming.

Go there, find him, introduce yourself, and I'll send Jill.

I don't know.

Come on. What have you get to lose?

What could go wrong?

Hi, this is Jack.

Sorry I missed your call, but I'd really love to talk.

He won't answer his phone.

Did you try texting him?

No. Is that a thing?

Hm, funny.

You got a picture of your buddy?

Yeah. You actually saw him once.

- I did? - Yeah.

Let me just, I'm trying to find the best pic,

then I'll explain.

Um, David? I need to ask you a question.

I think I know what that question is.

Was that former WWE champion

Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle?

Yes, I believe so.

Was he just checking me out?

Yes, I believe so.

Hm.

Hi.

Hello.

Are you Hank?

Yeah, that's me.

Patrick sent me. My name's Jack.

Oh, Patrick. Where is he, in the back?

Oh no, no, no, he's not here.

Okay, sure.

Um, er. The place seems kind of busy.

Do you have an event or something coming up tonight?

Right, right, you haven't been here before. I know, okay.

No, this is my first time.

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Um, Patrick told me to talk to you.

I'm supposed to meet to a, uh.

All right. Quit the act.

I knew it all along.

Come on, get going, let's see what you got.

Oh God, is this a flash mob?

No, I'm not supposed to be-

♪ I knew you back in high school ♪

♪ We were friends, is all ♪

♪ Met you in a club last night and walked you to your door ♪

♪ It's true ♪

Amazing.

♪ I'm thinking 'bout you ♪

I feel like I'm on "The Bachelorette".

♪ I hope that you are digging it too ♪

Oh, I'm digging you, baby!

♪ Something 'bout the way you move, the way you said hello ♪

♪ It's been over 20 years, you still have that glow ♪

♪ It's true, I'm thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ I hope that you are digging me too ♪

♪ Maybe I'm delusional ♪

♪ I don't know what to do, but I do ♪

♪ I promise I do. ♪

♪ Something's happened and I can't stop thinking 'bout you ♪

Whoa, okay.

♪ Thinking 'bout you ♪

♪ Thinking 'bout you ♪

Oh, baby, are you okay? Baby?

Oh, what happened?

Um, I think I moved the wrong way.

How long did we practice this choreography, dammit?

I didn't practice.

Oh, oh.

So you're one of those douche bags

who doesn't think he needs to practice?

No, no, you don't understand.

No, no, no, no, no. I understand.

You ruined my engagement.

Oh God, what happened?

Um.

I was just supposed to introduce myself

and then I was supposed to meet a friend.

Who?

Never mind.

Who are you?

Nice club.

Who is, who are you?

What are you doing here?

What, who is that guy?

Who are you?

So yeah, that kind of goes along with my week.

The most insane shit is happening to me.

Like what?

Like predictions, bad dates, worse dates,

famous wrestlers coming in and staring at me

and walking away.

Hmm. I've been there.

You're fun, David.

Oh, well, if you like me, you're gonna love Jack.

Oh, that reminds me of the picture.

Let me just, oh, here's a good one.

Hi.

What the hell is going on, Jill?

Right? Okay, that is Kurt Angle, right?

Checking you out. Yes.

And he just, he, he, he just walks away.

He just nods his head.

And the other guy gave you the thumbs up?

Yeah.

Okay, wait, should I go talk to him?

Oh, hang on. This is Jack.

Hey, buddy.

You, wait, what, you're where?

Wait, what did you ruin?

Isn't that cool?

Uh, hang on Jack.

Hi.

Hi.

I'll call you back.

What?

What is happening?

Okay. This is the strangest thing, right?

He, he won't talk to me.

He's, okay.

That's it.

Oh my God.

What?

Oh. - Yeah.

My life just hit a new low.

Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's probably new.

It's a nice picture though, right?

Hey.

- Hey, it's you. - Yeah.

How did it go over at Roar?

What happened?

Um, how close are you to Hank?

Oh my God. What, what do you mean?

Um, never mind.

I'm assuming I'm on the wrong side?

Yeah. The groom's side is over there.

Okay.

What was that about?

Uh, well, it involved a flash mob, an engagement,

and um, miscommunication, I guess.

Okay.

Dude, after all the texts I sent,

I didn't think you guys were gonna make it.

Well, you know how long it takes women to get ready.

Yeah. Okay.

He took 25 minutes on his hair.

Where's Vanessa?

A little drama. No biggie.

Who the hell's Vanessa?

Dude, you just became that guy.

That's never happened to me before.

All guys say that at some point. They have pills for that.

Funny. It'll never happen.

What about at Christine's Bang Bang Party?

Wait, you guys were at Christine's Bang Bang Party?

We are gathered here today to celebrate

the union of Amy and Ron.

We are privileged to witness the joyous love

of a new family.

A new family,

a family that is nurtured and nourished

through the devotion of two separate individuals

that grow together through the common bonds of love.

May their marriage bring the peace, joy,

comfort, and contentment that's found

in the hearts of all God's children.

Now, the vows that you exchange here today

are a verbal representation of the emotions

that are just as real as anything that can be seen.

Who are you looking at?

Heard or touched, for it's not the words

that you speak today that will bond you together as one

but the strength and commitment

found deep within your souls.

Now, before we begin,

is there anyone here who objects to this union?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Anyone?

Jesus Christ. What the hell is he waiting for?

Cheers!

Drink it up.

Now let's dance.

♪ He likes to keep it simple with fun things ♪

♪ He gives me his lovin' both day and night ♪

♪ Then he pushes me away when it starts to feel right ♪

♪ He gives me sweet, sweet lovin' ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet lovin' ♪

Hey, do you mind if we just go sit down?

Um, yeah, sure.

Awesome.

Can I get a water, please?

You didn't want to keep dancing?

I wasn't really feeling it.

Hey, I wasn't gonna pull you towards me that time.

I was actually doing less advanced moves

so you could keep up.

Oh, if you don't mind, I'm really thirsty.

It's probably the dancing.

♪ Sweet tender kisses could last all night ♪

♪ Darling, ooh ♪

♪ Darling, ooh ♪

So are we doing great at this table?

We are.

Oh, good, good, good.

And have you made your New Year's resolutions?

No, not yet.

Oh, I don't think I know you.

I am Linda. I'm, I'm Amy's mom.

I'm Jack. I'm one of Ron's old college buddies.

Jack. So do you dance?

I've danced once or twice.

Uh-huh, well, would you like to join me

on the dance floor, Jack?

I gotta go. Gotta entertain the mother of the bride.

Cheers to that.

Oh. Would you mind?

Thank you.

Who did she say she is?

That's mother of the bride.

Oh.

♪ He always plays nice and he's a real do-gooder ♪

♪ He's easy on the eyes and he's sweet as brown sugar ♪

So what did you think of the food?

Yeah, the prime rib was fantastic.

I know, right?

Any coffee or dessert tonight?

Nope.

This is what I'm having for dessert.

♪ Yeah, he's on top of his game ♪

♪ But when he turns out the lights ♪

♪ To get the mood set ♪

Jack.

We need to talk, right now.

Whoa, whoa. What's going on?

That damn twit!

So, you wanna bring a knife to a gun fight?

Okay, call me.

New Year's resolution.

The next time a girl says she stabbed her ex-boyfriend,

I should run.

Yeah. Amen to that.

I'm going inside, man.

You coming?

I'm gonna hang out here for a bit.

God bless.

♪ But when it comes to his lovin' ♪

♪ He can get my motor running ♪

♪ Guess my jack of all trades will do ♪

Thank you. Hello.

Hi. Hi, I'm Ben.

I'm Ben Davis. I am the father of the groom.

I am the groom daddy.

I love you, Dad!

I love you too, boy.

I am so glad.

I am so glad that Ron found someone to keep him in line.

Right? Right.

Like Linda, I am a widower.

So who knows?

Maybe I'll get lucky tonight.

I mean, come on.

It's the last night of the year, right?

Yeah.

But, but, but seriously, Ron, I love you.

You're my hero!

You're my hero.

Amy, we love you, and we love that these two are together.

So please raise your glasses to Amy and Ron.

To Amy and Ron!

Thank you.

Folks, it's almost the end of the night,

and you know what that means.

It's almost the end of the year.

So let's get ready to count down.

Mind if I sit here?

Sure.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six.

Where's Jack?

- I think he's outside. - Five, four.

- Where's Jill? - Three, two.

- I don't know. - One.

Happy New Year!

- Hi. - Hi.

Happy New Year.

Same to you.

So you're here for the wedding?

Yeah. I'm one of Ron's old friends.

Yeah. I'm, I'm the-

The maid of honor.

Yeah. You were at the ceremony?

Yes, but I, I didn't see you there.

I was right up on stage.

Oh, there was this tall guy.

Yeah. Actually, I saw him too.

I guess it was just bad timing.

I'm Jack.

I'm Jill.

Nice to meet you, Jill.

It's nice to meet you, Jack.

So are you having fun tonight?

Ah, it's been a strange night.

For me too.

God, the whole week's been strange, actually.

Yeah, me too.

All right. You go first.

Why has it been a strange week?

Okay, let's see.

I, uh, I went on a bunch of dates that all ended

on a scale from horrible to insanely horrible.

What?

For me too.

I, I, I, this, this whole past week has been

one epic date fail after the next one.

Really? You're serious?

Swear to God.

I mean, it all started after I met

this crazy old gypsy cat lady on a bridge

and she told me-

That you're gonna be the love of your life in five days?

Yes.

Yeah.

This is getting weird.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you know the old lady?

Well, I met her too.

She told me the same thing.

And you took the cat?

No, of course not.

I'm the only, I'm the only one.

Still, so random.

Yeah, well, before you freak out,

I found out that like she tells everybody that.

That's her thing.

Oh, well, I was the one that got suckered into it.

Guess I was too.

So what do you do, Jack?

I work for a software company.

Me too.

Wait, Application Enhancement Solutions?

Yes.

Okay, yeah. This is getting weird.

Agreed.

Wait, how have I not met you before?

Missed connections?

You ever hear the dark side of the moon theory,

that there's this whole alien civilization

living on the other side of the moon,

but we never see them 'cause

we're only looking at this side?

- No, I haven't. - It makes no sense.

We have satellites and photos and...

You're absolutely beautiful.

Thank you, Jack.

So what's next, huh?

How does this end?

Okay, wait, let me guess.

You are married, two kids,

and you live on a different continent.

Divorced, single, no kids.

And I live on this continent, but trust me,

I'm not getting my hopes up.

Let's see.

Your ex was a drug kingpin who swore

that he was gonna kill the next guy that you dated.

Something like that, maybe?

- Close. - I figured.

Yeah, no, no, no.

I'm single. I have never been married.

Wanna take a walk?

Yeah.

And the girl gets up on the bar.

And she literally jumped off

when nobody was there to catch her.

You didn't catch her?

I wasn't ready!

Hey, there's my maid of honor.

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

I had to mingle around, you know how weddings are.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, Ron.

Congrats, you two.

Oh my God. I'm so glad that you two met.

I've been trying to introduce you since that night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is the guy that you called?

You hung up on me.

I swear I didn't. My phone died.

I plugged it in and charged it and then I called you.

I left a message.

Did he?

I've just been so busy.

Let me hold on.

Hey, Ron, bro, broski. Uh, hey, man.

I, I just wanted to leave this message 'cause my phone died

and I'd really love to talk to that girl,

but I, I'm not desperate or anything.

I just thought that maybe, you know what?

Forget it. I'm going to sleep.

Gimme a call when you get this message.

Okay, then. We'll talk then.

Sounds great, buddy.

Oh my God.

But you're so damn hot.

Dark side of the moon.

It's the dark side of the moon, yes, yes.

Listen, you guys have gotta come in for the last dance.

Uh, no thanks.

Yeah. I, we should just stay out here.

Are you nuts? It's my goddamn wedding.

And you two are gonna come and dance, damn it.

Yeah, buddy. You gotta do it.

I'll see you inside.

I guess we gotta go dance.

Are you friends with the bride?

Yeah.

I noticed that you're wearing a ring.

- Yeah. - Are you married?

No, I'm not married.

So why do you wear a ring?

Because I,

because I need to keep certain men away sometimes.

- Yeah, it doesn't work. - Oh, all right.

You're making me very anxious.

Good.

Because you're very attractive.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome. Jesus Christ.

Indeed.

Looks like we're gonna end tonight with a slow jam.

So folks, this is the last song.

Grab your loved one and enjoy the moment.

Look, I just gotta say I had so much fun talking to you.

Yes. It's the most fun I've had all week.

All right. So let's just dance.

But I really wanna get to know you.

I feel the same way, Jack.

♪ Do you wanna dance ♪

♪ And hold my hand ♪

♪ Tell me that you're my lover man ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ Do you wanna dance ♪

♪ We could dance under the moonlight ♪

♪ Hug and kiss all through the night ♪

♪ Oh baby, tell me ♪

♪ Do you wanna dance with me, baby ♪

♪ Ah, that's right ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Do you wanna dance under the moonlight ♪

♪ Hug me, kiss me, baby ♪

♪ All through the night ♪

♪ Oh baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Tell me, do you wanna dance with me, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you've got to dance with me, baby ♪

♪ Oh, you've got to dance with me ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Everybody needs a little lovin' ♪

♪ Everybody needs somebody thinking of them ♪

♪ Everybody needs a little affection ♪

♪ Whatever it takes, I'm gonna get it ♪

♪ Everybody needs a hand to hold ♪

♪ Don't you think it when the nights are getting cold ♪

♪ I know you're lying just the same ♪

♪ The way you're in the game ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody in the whole wide world ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody, every boy and every girl ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Everybody needs a human touch ♪

♪ I can't live without it, it means too much to me ♪

♪ Everybody needs one true friend ♪

♪ Someone who'll be there to the very end ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody breathes ♪

♪ And everybody, everybody bleeds ♪

♪ We're no different, we're all the same ♪

♪ But we are in the game ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody in the whole wide world ♪

♪ Everybody breathes and everybody needs ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody in the whole wide world ♪

♪ Everybody breathes and everybody needs ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ Absolutely everybody ♪

♪ I knew you back in high school, we were friends is all ♪

♪ I met you in a club last night ♪

♪ And walked you to your door ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I hope that you are diggin' me too ♪

♪ Something 'bout the way you move, the way you said hello ♪

♪ It's been over 20 years, you still have that glow ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I hope that you are diggin' me too ♪

♪ Maybe I'm delusional ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ Something happened and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I'm not the kind of guy to obsess like this ♪

♪ Don't even wonder why, just put me on your list ♪

♪ The laws of my attraction, the scope of my demand ♪

♪ The craving for affection, the need to hold your hand ♪

♪ I do, baby, I do ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Something happened, I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I hope that you are diggin' me too ♪

♪ Maybe I'm delusional ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ Something happened and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Something happened, I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I'm not the kind of guy to obsess like this ♪

♪ Don't even wonder why ♪

♪ Just put me on your list ♪

♪ I held you in my dreams last night ♪

♪ I feel you in my mind ♪

♪ I see you when you drive your car ♪

♪ Our lives are intertwined ♪

♪ It's true, baby, it's true ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Something happened, I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I hope that you are diggin' me too ♪

♪ Maybe I'm delusional ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ Something happened and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I heard you singing from the balcony ♪

♪ I knew right then you were singing for me ♪

♪ 'Cause you're my baby ♪

♪ Yeah, you're my baby ♪

♪ Well, you're my baby ♪

♪ Won't you tell me what my baby needs ♪