Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,251 --> 00:00:11,751
C-SPAN 5 now takes you to testimony
2
00:00:11,753 --> 00:00:14,588
before the Joint Committee
on Terrible Events.
3
00:00:17,864 --> 00:00:20,777
The Chair recognizes the woman
with the four-foot beehive.
4
00:00:20,779 --> 00:00:23,205
Please state your name and occupation.
5
00:00:23,281 --> 00:00:25,540
Uh, Marjorie Bouvier Simpson.
6
00:00:25,617 --> 00:00:27,525
Mother to three children
7
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,026
and a husband.
8
00:00:29,079 --> 00:00:32,029
She's raising us all on her own.
9
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,534
Mrs. Simpson, please walk us through
10
00:00:36,612 --> 00:00:38,945
the events of March 12.
11
00:00:38,947 --> 00:00:41,965
Well, it all started with
what was supposed to be
12
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:43,725
a happy family trip.
13
00:00:43,802 --> 00:00:48,063
The Simpsons are going
to Pile Ridge, Louisiana.
14
00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:50,807
Oh, the trip is already ruined.
15
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,567
What is this gunk?
16
00:00:52,644 --> 00:00:55,237
Oh, that's my lentil soup.
17
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:56,905
Lisa!
18
00:00:56,907 --> 00:00:58,965
Well, what else am I supposed to eat
19
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,469
at your family's barbaric pig butchery?
20
00:01:02,471 --> 00:01:04,579
It's boucherie.
21
00:01:04,581 --> 00:01:06,973
It's a cherished Bouvier tradition
22
00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:09,233
that reunites our extended family
23
00:01:09,311 --> 00:01:12,236
and celebrates our Cajun roots.
24
00:01:12,314 --> 00:01:13,588
And they shoot the pig in the head,
25
00:01:13,665 --> 00:01:16,316
John Wick-style. Look.
26
00:01:16,318 --> 00:01:18,209
Stop, it's horrifying.
27
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:21,154
Mmm. Delicious.
28
00:01:22,744 --> 00:01:24,599
Horrifying!
29
00:01:24,676 --> 00:01:26,843
Mr. Simpson, as I understand it,
30
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,922
you were enticed by the thought
of enjoying savory meats,
31
00:01:30,941 --> 00:01:34,668
but repulsed by the appearance
of your wife's family.
32
00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:37,170
Yes, Senator, I cannot perjure myself.
33
00:01:37,172 --> 00:01:39,281
They are barf in human form.
34
00:01:39,283 --> 00:01:40,615
I reclaim my time.
35
00:01:40,617 --> 00:01:43,443
Traveling brings out
Homer's worst qualities.
36
00:01:44,846 --> 00:01:49,015
Oh! All the seats are taken
by jerks and their bags.
37
00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:51,217
Maybe we can sit in there.
38
00:01:51,219 --> 00:01:52,544
- _
- That looks comfy.
39
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,280
Squirt em' if you got em'.
40
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,208
Oh!
41
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,952
Your hoops are quivering. Calm down.
42
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,121
Now boarding: Active-duty TV clowns.
43
00:02:06,702 --> 00:02:09,126
Some sober companion you are.
44
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,720
I'm only three hours out of rehab
45
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,647
and I can smell the booze on you.
46
00:02:12,649 --> 00:02:14,799
You mean my hand sanitizer?
47
00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:16,943
Ooh, Daddy want!
48
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,563
Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked.
49
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,139
Your seats are no longer together.
50
00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:23,383
This is bull!
51
00:02:23,385 --> 00:02:25,885
I demand to speak to Sully Sullenberger!
52
00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:27,329
Homer, stop it.
53
00:02:27,405 --> 00:02:30,390
You always do this.
You'll get us banned.
54
00:02:30,392 --> 00:02:32,984
So? We'll take our business elsewh...
55
00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:36,320
There is no elsewhere.
56
00:02:36,398 --> 00:02:38,231
Because of your past behavior,
57
00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:39,841
you're on the No Fly List
58
00:02:39,918 --> 00:02:42,902
of every other airline in the country.
59
00:02:42,904 --> 00:02:44,221
Even Spirit.
60
00:02:44,223 --> 00:02:46,014
Try it again.
61
00:02:49,578 --> 00:02:52,929
So, unless you want
all our future vacations
62
00:02:53,081 --> 00:02:56,266
to be at my mother's house,
talking her into hospice,
63
00:02:56,418 --> 00:02:59,769
you will hold it
together on this flight.
64
00:02:59,771 --> 00:03:02,179
I promise, Marge. I won't let you down.
65
00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:03,757
I do have some good news.
66
00:03:03,775 --> 00:03:06,609
We have one free upgrade
for a seat in first class.
67
00:03:06,611 --> 00:03:09,445
Ooh, I bet I'd really
keep my promise to behave
68
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,282
if I'm in that spacious lie-flat pod.
69
00:03:12,284 --> 00:03:13,950
Well, you'll never know.
70
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,460
Yoink.
71
00:03:18,957 --> 00:03:22,033
Uh-uh, sweetie, first class is this way.
72
00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:23,126
Welcome.
73
00:03:23,277 --> 00:03:24,277
Oh, my God.
74
00:03:24,279 --> 00:03:25,628
I'm turning left.
75
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,131
I didn't know planes had a left.
76
00:03:29,268 --> 00:03:30,892
Ah. Ooh.
77
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,854
Oh...
78
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:39,976
Oh, the seat is so plush and comfy.
79
00:03:39,978 --> 00:03:41,385
May I get you anything?
80
00:03:41,463 --> 00:03:43,071
I want everything.
81
00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:45,556
The whole first class experience.
82
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:49,226
Cold bubbly, warm nuts, hot towel...
83
00:03:49,304 --> 00:03:51,487
all the temperatures!
84
00:03:51,489 --> 00:03:54,808
Let's start you out with a
complimentary Moet mimosa
85
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:56,810
with extra zest and a little...
86
00:03:56,812 --> 00:03:57,919
Oh.
87
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,819
Okay, Homer, you can do this.
88
00:04:05,821 --> 00:04:08,488
Have a pleasant flight for Marge.
89
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,990
- Ow, my head!
- Watch it!
90
00:04:10,992 --> 00:04:12,100
Ow!
91
00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:13,343
God, don't let this slob
92
00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:14,752
be next to me.
93
00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:16,104
God, don't let this slob
94
00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,680
be next to me.
95
00:04:19,017 --> 00:04:20,257
Good morning, everyone.
96
00:04:20,335 --> 00:04:21,351
My name is Joel,
97
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:24,354
and I'll be your "wingman" today.
98
00:04:26,469 --> 00:04:27,482
Thank you.
99
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:30,452
Just a reminder: Federal law
prohibits smoking of any kind,
100
00:04:30,528 --> 00:04:33,437
unless, like me, you're smokin' hot.
101
00:04:36,368 --> 00:04:38,126
Oh, great.
102
00:04:38,203 --> 00:04:40,462
Forced comedy at 9:00 in the morning.
103
00:04:41,706 --> 00:04:44,132
Now, Maggie,
screens turn brains to mush.
104
00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:46,635
That's why Bart has to take ESL classes.
105
00:04:46,711 --> 00:04:49,304
I'll parent you how I
wanted to be parented,
106
00:04:49,381 --> 00:04:52,215
and sibling you how I
wanted to be sibbled,
107
00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:56,293
with my Jazz Legends A-to-Z flashcards.
108
00:04:56,371 --> 00:04:58,129
Cannonball Adderley.
109
00:04:58,206 --> 00:05:00,982
He was more hard bop then bebop.
110
00:05:00,984 --> 00:05:02,558
Okay, movie fans, it's time for
111
00:05:02,711 --> 00:05:05,044
everybody's favorite in-flight flick,
112
00:05:05,046 --> 00:05:06,470
the safety demo.
113
00:05:06,548 --> 00:05:08,990
Remember this come Oscar time.
114
00:05:12,554 --> 00:05:16,556
Good thing I've got
my annoyance-canceling headphones.
115
00:05:16,558 --> 00:05:19,650
Ooh, we are really packed
in here, aren't we?
116
00:05:19,728 --> 00:05:22,745
Something is very wrong with this plane.
117
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,488
This is a trap!
118
00:05:24,566 --> 00:05:26,249
It's a conspiracy to take us down!
119
00:05:26,251 --> 00:05:27,658
- Get out of here!
- Oh. Oh!
120
00:05:27,736 --> 00:05:29,252
They're experimenting on us!
121
00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:31,754
I won't be a rat in your flying cage!
122
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:35,408
Ah, a seat for my second cheek.
123
00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:36,743
Yo, travel trolls.
124
00:05:36,745 --> 00:05:38,745
A crazy lady just got
kicked off the plane
125
00:05:38,763 --> 00:05:41,672
so I jump-squatted a sweet aisle seat.
126
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,693
Give my 40,000 followers
a moan, bald dude.
127
00:05:44,769 --> 00:05:46,677
D'oh.
128
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:48,421
♪ D'oh, d'oh ♪
129
00:05:48,423 --> 00:05:50,347
♪ D-d-d-d-d-d'oh ♪
130
00:05:50,425 --> 00:05:52,659
♪ D-d-d-d-d-d'oh. ♪
131
00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:55,954
Toenail clipper?
132
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,081
Sardine eater?
133
00:05:59,117 --> 00:06:01,434
Disgusto-flossers?
134
00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:02,936
Hiya!
135
00:06:02,938 --> 00:06:04,862
Karate children?
136
00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:08,441
Marge, I'm trying to hold it together,
137
00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:10,793
just like I promised.
138
00:06:16,117 --> 00:06:18,618
But it seems like this
plane is filled with
139
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,896
all the worst flyers in the world.
140
00:06:21,898 --> 00:06:23,473
Well, his text was correct, senator.
141
00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,401
Our airline serves the
fastest-growing demographic
142
00:06:26,478 --> 00:06:29,295
in air travel: the criminally obnoxious.
143
00:06:29,297 --> 00:06:30,572
At Convenience Airways,
144
00:06:30,648 --> 00:06:33,833
we fly the No Fly List.
145
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:44,801
Mr. Wingspan...
if that is your funny name...
146
00:06:44,829 --> 00:06:46,329
you mean to tell us
147
00:06:46,331 --> 00:06:49,832
that you filled an entire
plane with obnoxious people
148
00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:51,609
who were banned from other airlines?
149
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,504
Yes. Our business model
is to cater to C.I.F.s:
150
00:06:55,506 --> 00:06:57,931
"Civility Impaired Fliers."
151
00:06:58,009 --> 00:06:59,933
- Hiya!
- Control your team!
152
00:06:59,935 --> 00:07:03,121
Violence is a form of control.
153
00:07:03,272 --> 00:07:05,665
Yes, Sensei. Hiya!
154
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,517
This was our inaugural flight,
155
00:07:08,519 --> 00:07:11,354
testing if the innovative
precautions we had taken
156
00:07:11,356 --> 00:07:15,542
were enough to safely transport
the rudest of the rude.
157
00:07:15,629 --> 00:07:17,543
- Like this man.
- _
158
00:07:17,545 --> 00:07:19,362
Aw, come on.
159
00:07:19,364 --> 00:07:22,456
You choke out one guy
with a seat belt extender
160
00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:23,790
and you're labeled for life.
161
00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:25,384
But on this flight,
162
00:07:25,461 --> 00:07:27,553
I promised Marge I would behave,
163
00:07:27,630 --> 00:07:29,313
and I really tried.
164
00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:30,797
It was torture.
165
00:07:30,799 --> 00:07:32,150
Torture!
166
00:07:33,544 --> 00:07:36,320
Who would do such a
thing to Patrick Wilson?
167
00:07:36,472 --> 00:07:38,698
Eyes on your own screen.
168
00:07:40,234 --> 00:07:41,092
Ugh.
169
00:07:41,143 --> 00:07:42,976
And, no, you may not have any of
170
00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:45,388
my triad of expired Christmas delights.
171
00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:46,831
Mmm, cheese.
172
00:07:46,908 --> 00:07:49,167
Mmm, butter, caramel...
173
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:53,337
Mmm.
174
00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:55,656
And now, the shower of champions.
175
00:07:55,733 --> 00:07:57,049
Huzzah.
176
00:08:02,193 --> 00:08:02,755
Come on.
177
00:08:02,831 --> 00:08:04,182
Uh, excuse me.
178
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,926
I promised my wife I
wouldn't fight or yell
179
00:08:07,078 --> 00:08:09,078
or pee anywhere other than the bathroom,
180
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,006
but this guy next to me
is making it really hard.
181
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,433
What guy?
182
00:08:14,510 --> 00:08:16,419
The Comic Book Guy guy.
183
00:08:16,421 --> 00:08:18,437
Huh? He just disappeared.
184
00:08:18,439 --> 00:08:22,258
Well, it looks like the
problem took care of itself.
185
00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:24,260
That is so weird.
186
00:08:24,262 --> 00:08:26,929
Hey, guys, you asked for it,
I'm doing it.
187
00:08:26,931 --> 00:08:30,449
The bathroom sink
shrimp scampi challenge.
188
00:08:30,526 --> 00:08:31,951
Oh.
189
00:08:31,953 --> 00:08:35,421
Marge, I'm barely
holding it together back here.
190
00:08:35,456 --> 00:08:39,625
Please text me back some
sweet words of comfort.
191
00:08:45,633 --> 00:08:47,808
Hey, hey...
192
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:51,746
- Huzzah...
- Hey, hey...
193
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,689
Zounds...
194
00:08:58,145 --> 00:08:59,478
Oh...
195
00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:01,647
needs tonic.
196
00:09:06,395 --> 00:09:08,162
Die, die, die!
197
00:09:09,307 --> 00:09:11,398
No, don't die!
198
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,899
They're all dead.
199
00:09:12,977 --> 00:09:15,044
Oh, I need to play something.
200
00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:19,740
I'm winning. I'm winning.
201
00:09:19,817 --> 00:09:21,259
Just a reminder, folks,
202
00:09:21,335 --> 00:09:24,169
the call button is only
for real emergencies,
203
00:09:24,246 --> 00:09:27,339
like if you're down to
your last guess on Wordle.
204
00:09:29,510 --> 00:09:32,177
Uh, I have a real emergency.
205
00:09:32,254 --> 00:09:33,662
Your jokes suck.
206
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,442
"S" is for Sun Ra.
207
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:39,760
He's a little abstract,
208
00:09:39,837 --> 00:09:43,022
but when you get it,
you'll really get it.
209
00:09:43,098 --> 00:09:44,840
Dig this.
210
00:09:50,773 --> 00:09:53,198
Somebody shut that brat up!
211
00:09:53,317 --> 00:09:54,458
Oh, that's my brat.
212
00:09:54,535 --> 00:09:55,684
Stop judging her!
213
00:09:55,686 --> 00:09:57,036
I don't know what to do.
214
00:09:57,188 --> 00:10:00,280
I've been turning the
jazz up as loud as I can,
215
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,133
but it's not soothing her.
216
00:10:02,209 --> 00:10:04,451
Is this an airline or a nursery?
217
00:10:04,529 --> 00:10:06,378
Mustn't punch the jerk.
218
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:07,621
Mustn't punch the jerk.
219
00:10:07,698 --> 00:10:10,457
It's so loud, I can barely hear myself
220
00:10:10,535 --> 00:10:12,626
feel up my mistress under this blanket.
221
00:10:12,703 --> 00:10:14,478
Okay, gang, we're about to start
222
00:10:14,555 --> 00:10:16,705
our beverage and snack service.
223
00:10:16,707 --> 00:10:18,057
If you feel like a pretzel,
224
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,650
that means the guy in front of you
225
00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:22,486
has his seat all the way back.
226
00:10:24,215 --> 00:10:26,398
Just because it sounds like a joke
227
00:10:26,475 --> 00:10:27,733
doesn't mean it is one.
228
00:10:30,646 --> 00:10:32,145
Come back in ten years, kid.
229
00:10:32,223 --> 00:10:35,240
I got voicemails older than you. Ha!
230
00:10:38,625 --> 00:10:41,263
And now it's time
for your headliner. Me!
231
00:10:41,315 --> 00:10:43,257
This guy's jokes suck so hard,
232
00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:45,167
we're about to lose cabin pressure.
233
00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:50,172
Okay, okay. People, don't encourage him!
234
00:10:50,248 --> 00:10:52,766
...is what Joel's guidance
counselor told his parents.
235
00:10:55,846 --> 00:10:57,146
Give me that.
236
00:10:58,682 --> 00:11:02,167
This is your unfunny
flight attendant Joel speaking.
237
00:11:02,169 --> 00:11:04,853
Here are some more of my terrible jokes.
238
00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:20,018
Left forward lavatory.
239
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:21,829
Ay, caramba!
240
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:25,374
Okay, so Daddy
doesn't get into a fistfight,
241
00:11:25,450 --> 00:11:27,876
we're going to take a little walk.
242
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:31,639
Dad, I figured out
what's gonna calm Maggie.
243
00:11:31,641 --> 00:11:35,367
Improvisations in the style
of pre-heroin Coltrane.
244
00:11:44,879 --> 00:11:46,987
Mama!
245
00:11:46,989 --> 00:11:49,548
No, no, we can't bother Mommy...
246
00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:52,142
...or she'll leave us all for good.
247
00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:57,647
Hey, champ, I lost $50,000
248
00:11:57,725 --> 00:12:00,834
on your pay-per-view
fight against Vanilla Ice.
249
00:12:00,911 --> 00:12:02,318
You owe me!
250
00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:07,232
Come on, champ,
I'm talking to you, champ.
251
00:12:07,234 --> 00:12:09,084
Oh, no, my Chekhov's gin.
252
00:12:15,178 --> 00:12:17,500
Nobody licks me but my tiger.
253
00:12:19,079 --> 00:12:22,022
That baby's a lap-sitting freeloader.
254
00:12:22,099 --> 00:12:25,267
I am sorry you have to
put up with that guy.
255
00:12:25,343 --> 00:12:27,102
We're all just doing our best.
256
00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:31,273
Yeah. Parents don't get to
go into airplane mode, do we?
257
00:12:31,349 --> 00:12:34,350
Thank God. Two sensible people.
258
00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:38,430
Wylder, it's time.
259
00:12:38,449 --> 00:12:40,615
- ♪ Let's all sing ♪
- Yeesh.
260
00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:41,767
♪ The potty song ♪
261
00:12:41,769 --> 00:12:43,118
Oh, no... No, no, no.
262
00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:46,380
Our little guy is on a strict
potty training schedule.
263
00:12:47,624 --> 00:12:50,050
♪ When it's time to make a poo-poo ♪
264
00:12:50,052 --> 00:12:52,535
♪ Give a shout, whoo-hoo. ♪
265
00:12:52,613 --> 00:12:54,346
Whoo-hoo!
266
00:12:55,783 --> 00:12:57,207
No hoo!
267
00:12:57,284 --> 00:12:59,226
Um, do you guys have any diapers?
268
00:12:59,377 --> 00:13:01,470
Uh, we don't use the "D" word.
269
00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:02,788
Oh, boy.
270
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:05,457
- Deal with your biohazard!
- Change that baby!
271
00:13:05,459 --> 00:13:07,067
- What's wrong with you?
- Oh, come on!
272
00:13:07,144 --> 00:13:09,069
That's not a baby, that's a hate crime.
273
00:13:09,784 --> 00:13:11,296
Lisa, where's the diaper bag?
274
00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:12,464
I don't have it.
275
00:13:12,466 --> 00:13:15,242
Why don't you ask
your girlfriend, Maggie?
276
00:13:15,244 --> 00:13:17,727
Maggie's not my girlfriend, Marge is.
277
00:13:18,025 --> 00:13:21,039
That's it. Marge has it.
278
00:13:26,517 --> 00:13:27,491
There's the bag.
279
00:13:27,498 --> 00:13:29,498
Maggie, crawl through the clown fight.
280
00:13:33,596 --> 00:13:35,487
Don't kill him, champ.
281
00:13:35,489 --> 00:13:37,489
My pension is almost vested.
282
00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:47,107
Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom.
283
00:13:59,847 --> 00:14:01,288
We made it.
284
00:14:03,122 --> 00:14:04,141
Toilet Chef.
285
00:14:07,289 --> 00:14:08,378
In-laws!
286
00:14:09,447 --> 00:14:12,466
Care to join our Mile-High Book Club?
287
00:14:13,166 --> 00:14:14,301
Readers!
288
00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:18,713
SunChips. Give me, give me.
289
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,276
What the...?
290
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,889
Where is everybody?
291
00:14:36,016 --> 00:14:38,833
Please calmly return to your seat, sir.
292
00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:41,185
What did you do with all
the horrible people I hate?
293
00:14:41,262 --> 00:14:42,445
Tell me what's going on.
294
00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:44,263
Or I'll seatbelt you good.
295
00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,674
And why don't they make the
whole plane out of the...
296
00:14:46,693 --> 00:14:49,511
black box material...?
297
00:14:49,529 --> 00:14:50,862
This is your captain speaking.
298
00:14:51,014 --> 00:14:53,214
If you look to your left, you will see
299
00:14:53,216 --> 00:14:54,958
the magnificent Grand Canyon.
300
00:14:55,035 --> 00:15:00,021
Unless you're one of the
246 unruly souls who've been
301
00:15:00,023 --> 00:15:04,301
trap-doored into our
complimentary in-flight prison.
302
00:15:15,405 --> 00:15:18,890
Trapdoors that lead to a prison?
Since when?
303
00:15:18,892 --> 00:15:22,227
What monster could conceive
of something this horrible?
304
00:15:22,229 --> 00:15:23,670
BurnsCo.
305
00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:27,248
Proudly installing trapdoor
dungeon drops since 1926.
306
00:15:27,325 --> 00:15:29,067
Is there anything more satisfying
307
00:15:29,085 --> 00:15:32,237
than a scream of terror
followed by a distant thud?
308
00:15:32,239 --> 00:15:34,181
Mr. Wingspan, this is America.
309
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,349
When we violate people's
civil liberties,
310
00:15:36,426 --> 00:15:39,427
we usually give them a heads-up,
drop pamphlets,
311
00:15:39,504 --> 00:15:41,837
send a cruise missile, uh, something.
312
00:15:41,915 --> 00:15:45,583
Senator, I assure you,
we did warn the passengers
313
00:15:45,585 --> 00:15:48,528
of the potential consequences
of their actions.
314
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,031
It's all in the safety video.
315
00:15:51,107 --> 00:15:53,182
But nobody watches those things.
316
00:15:57,855 --> 00:15:59,689
Should you choose to be unruly,
317
00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:03,376
you'll be trap-doored into
our belly-of-the-plane prison.
318
00:16:03,378 --> 00:16:05,861
If your behavior is too extreme,
319
00:16:05,939 --> 00:16:08,215
a ball gag will fall from the ceiling.
320
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:10,366
Please affix your own ball gag first
321
00:16:10,368 --> 00:16:13,220
before ball-gagging your child.
322
00:16:13,296 --> 00:16:15,037
See? I was right.
323
00:16:15,115 --> 00:16:17,707
I tried to warn you,
but you all thought I was crazy.
324
00:16:17,784 --> 00:16:21,119
Not to criticize,
but maybe it's your tone?
325
00:16:21,137 --> 00:16:22,954
My tone is fine!
326
00:16:25,550 --> 00:16:27,976
And that concludes
your beverage service.
327
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,887
He's pretty funny.
328
00:16:31,889 --> 00:16:33,965
No, he's not, he sucks.
329
00:16:33,984 --> 00:16:35,358
Take that!
330
00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:39,137
They can't do this to us!
331
00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:42,415
Buying a ticket gives us the
right to do what we want.
332
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:44,900
There's no law in the sky.
333
00:16:44,978 --> 00:16:46,828
I say we bust out.
334
00:16:46,904 --> 00:16:48,162
Who's with me?
335
00:16:50,484 --> 00:16:53,075
We'll need every available weapon.
336
00:16:53,153 --> 00:16:55,929
I got toenail clippers.
And some pretty sharp toenails.
337
00:16:56,006 --> 00:16:59,724
I got an airsick bag
of hot bathroom shrimp.
338
00:17:01,344 --> 00:17:02,994
My darling Marge.
339
00:17:02,996 --> 00:17:05,847
I am writing you from the cusp
of yet another prison riot.
340
00:17:05,849 --> 00:17:08,275
If I die in this heroic escape attempt,
341
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,001
remember me as a blameless victim.
342
00:17:10,003 --> 00:17:13,596
One who got caught up in the
coach-to-prison pipeline.
343
00:17:13,598 --> 00:17:16,007
BTW, lost Maggie, hope she's with you.
344
00:17:16,009 --> 00:17:18,434
Lots going on. Shrug emoji.
345
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,781
Marge is writing me back.
346
00:17:31,858 --> 00:17:33,949
Stop? Stop what?
347
00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:36,469
Wine, wine, wine?
348
00:17:36,546 --> 00:17:38,713
Do you want me to stop whining?
349
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,717
Bee. Man.
350
00:17:42,719 --> 00:17:44,369
Be a man?
351
00:17:44,371 --> 00:17:46,204
X. Lobster.
352
00:17:46,206 --> 00:17:48,373
Don't be shellfish?
353
00:17:48,391 --> 00:17:51,967
Oh, my God,
I am always thinking of my shelf.
354
00:17:51,969 --> 00:17:54,136
Window seat.
355
00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:57,549
Window seat. Window seat.
356
00:17:57,551 --> 00:17:59,809
No! This revolt is wrong.
357
00:17:59,886 --> 00:18:02,144
I know this because my
wife just spoke to me
358
00:18:02,222 --> 00:18:05,314
in a series of direct
and unambiguous emojis.
359
00:18:05,316 --> 00:18:08,409
Let us not be pigs. Or mules.
360
00:18:08,486 --> 00:18:10,653
Or a mermaid with a fax machine.
361
00:18:10,730 --> 00:18:12,822
Sure, we have to put up
with baggage fees,
362
00:18:12,899 --> 00:18:17,735
no leg room,
and those $20 "protein boxes."
363
00:18:17,737 --> 00:18:20,738
But flying is a modern miracle,
364
00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:24,166
and all that's asked of us in return
365
00:18:24,244 --> 00:18:28,079
is basic human decency.
366
00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:33,193
Mm, I could be more patient
with kids and babies.
367
00:18:33,269 --> 00:18:35,937
After all, I am a preschool teacher.
368
00:18:35,939 --> 00:18:39,273
I'm sorry I savagely beat your
husband with your hair bone.
369
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,184
He's not my...
370
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,186
Oh, forget it.
371
00:18:44,264 --> 00:18:46,021
So to quote my wife,
372
00:18:46,099 --> 00:18:48,541
we have to start acting civilized
373
00:18:48,618 --> 00:18:52,620
and stop being a bunch of huge...
374
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:54,422
eggplants.
375
00:18:55,942 --> 00:18:57,717
Well, folks,
now that you've exhibited
376
00:18:57,794 --> 00:18:59,386
a modicum of civility,
377
00:18:59,462 --> 00:19:01,221
the handcuff sign has been turned off.
378
00:19:01,297 --> 00:19:03,706
You are now free to return to your seats
379
00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:05,450
and work through the childhood trauma
380
00:19:05,452 --> 00:19:07,209
that led you to behave like the ugliest
381
00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:09,562
of ugly Americans today.
382
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,721
Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson.
383
00:19:18,798 --> 00:19:20,632
We'll be landing soon, so we need you
384
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:23,042
to return your seat to
its upright position.
385
00:19:23,937 --> 00:19:25,728
What? We're landing?
386
00:19:25,805 --> 00:19:29,416
I slept through my first first class?
387
00:19:29,492 --> 00:19:33,161
Yes, but you got the most
perfect flying experience
388
00:19:33,163 --> 00:19:34,829
anyone could ever ask for.
389
00:19:34,831 --> 00:19:38,073
You didn't even know
you were on a plane.
390
00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:39,500
Aw.
391
00:19:39,577 --> 00:19:44,747
And then she gave me the best
cookie of my entire life.
392
00:19:44,824 --> 00:19:47,082
Aw, cookie.
393
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,753
After listening to the 14
hours of testimony today,
394
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,422
I propose that Convenience Airways'
395
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:57,018
radical passenger control
system be approved for use
396
00:19:57,094 --> 00:19:59,520
across the entire airline industry.
397
00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:00,930
- Hear! Hear!
- Yes.
398
00:20:01,007 --> 00:20:01,991
I agree.
399
00:20:02,008 --> 00:20:03,508
Well, I say, trap-door them all
400
00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,843
and let the FAA sort it out.
401
00:20:05,845 --> 00:20:07,011
Excellent.
402
00:20:07,013 --> 00:20:08,955
- So ordered.
- Wait.
403
00:20:09,106 --> 00:20:12,366
As the one person who was not
trap-doored on this flight,
404
00:20:12,485 --> 00:20:15,405
I believe I have the authority to say
405
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:20,093
that mass in-flight
incarceration is not the answer.
406
00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,784
We need thoughtful solutions
407
00:20:21,786 --> 00:20:25,120
to this epidemic of
rudeness and disrespect.
408
00:20:25,198 --> 00:20:27,360
Sure, it's easy to push a button
409
00:20:27,395 --> 00:20:29,625
and drop all your
problems down a trap...
410
00:20:29,627 --> 00:20:31,978
door...!
411
00:20:32,623 --> 00:20:33,888
Ow!
412
00:20:33,965 --> 00:20:36,483
Honey, are you hurt?
413
00:20:36,559 --> 00:20:40,316
I'm okay. I landed on my hair.
414
00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,451
In our Convenience
Airways in-flight prison,
415
00:20:55,486 --> 00:20:57,486
cigarettes are not accepted as currency.
416
00:20:57,564 --> 00:21:00,823
Preferred method of
payment is sexual favors.
417
00:21:00,825 --> 00:21:01,841
Please do not fashion
418
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:04,173
the courtesy toothbrush into a shiv.
419
00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:07,572
Complimentary shivs are
provided upon request.
420
00:21:07,574 --> 00:21:09,682
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,
421
00:21:09,684 --> 00:21:12,852
your cellmate may be used
as a floatation device.
422
00:21:13,004 --> 00:21:14,854
Should you tamper with your handcuffs,
423
00:21:14,931 --> 00:21:17,172
you will be ejected from the plane.
424
00:21:17,250 --> 00:21:19,767
Parachutes are available
for purchase on our website.
425
00:21:19,844 --> 00:21:22,603
We know you have no choice
in airplane prisons,
426
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,681
but we appreciate you
being locked up with us.
427
00:21:25,759 --> 00:21:29,494
And don't forget to sign up
for our Frequent Felon Program.
428
00:21:32,599 --> 00:21:34,411
Shh!
429
00:21:36,432 --> 00:21:39,438
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com30607
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof