All language subtitles for The Simpsons - 35x10 - Do The Wrong Thing.WEB.DSNP.en

♪ The Simpsons ♪

In local news,
champion angler Abe Simpson is retiring.

Yes, it's "o-fish-ial."

After reeling in
his 20th fishing derby win,

he's finally bowing "trout."

Later, stay "tuna"
for our "sharking" story

about a local "sturgeon"
with a "cod" complex

who kills patients just for the "halibut."

Abe, why retire now?

Well, I wanna go out
on my 20-year win streak

and pass along
my only earthly talent to my son.

Tomorrow, he's gonna take over
the Simpson family fishing dominance.

To all you fish out there watching,
he's a-comin' for ya!

Whoa, it's sexy when you're on
the local news for something not horrible.

Those fish should be so scared.

[groans]
Those fish shouldn't be scared at all.

I never win anything.

Why does my dad think
I'll win this fishing contest?

Maybe because all you have to do
is sit still and hold a stick.

That's two things. [groans]

[humming]

[door opens]

Principal Skinner, sorry to barge in.

But I'm applying to the most selective
kids summer camp in the country.

They even reject
the Silicon Valley Adderall kids.

And, um, I was hoping you'd write me
a letter of recommendation.

[chuckling] Recommendation letter?

No one's ever asked me
to write one of those before.

I've mainly just done letters
to judges requesting leniency.

If I'm accepted into
the University of Springfield Camp,

I'll be fast-tracked to get into
the Amherst Middle School Summer Workshop,

which is a feeder to
the UC Santa Cruz Marine Biology Retreat,

which is a sure ticket into
the Oberlin Philosophy Day Camp

with sleepover option.

Well, I believe

my Edu-95 Software Bundle
did come with a recommendation template.

Don't forget,
I was the classroom hamster monitor.

And the art club parliamentarian.

And I chaired the fundraiser
to get the lunch ladies ethical hairnets.

- [chuckles]
- Got it.

"Many interests."

And print.

[printer printing]

[gasps]

Never mind.

Welcome to the annual
Springfield Fishing Derby

sponsored by Duff Camo.

The deer will never see you're drunk.

And now, the champion emeritus
will throw out the ceremonial first cast.

[grunts]

- [chuckles]
- [cheering]

Dad, why do you think I can do this?
I never win anything.

Oh, I don't believe in you.
I'm banking on the Simpsons fishing gene.

I'm finally gonna pass down
something other than chronic hand hate.

- [cries]
- [scoffs]

We're three hours into this nail-biting,
intense competition, folks.

Which means butt fatigue is really
setting in on these recumbent warriors.

[groaning]

[backs, hips cracking]

Aw, man. If I wanted to watch Dad sit
and do nothing, I'd visit him at work.

Mom, I bet the other camp applicants
are volunteering and accomplishing stuff.

I'm just standing around here getting
a tan line from my pearls.

I'm sure you'll get in.
You get into everything.

I can pick up litter, rescue driftwood,

make sure beavers aren't chewing
on washed-up mannequin arms.

- [chittering]
- [grunting]

[murmurs]

Sorry, Marge, but can you murmur
a little quieter? I'm trying to fish.

Uh-oh.

I gotta let myself run a little.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
- [Marge groans]

[fishers laugh]

[grunts, screams]

[laughing]

What the hell is that thing?
Get it out! Get it...

Oh. Hey!

- Homie!
- [Bart cheers]

The fish weight to beat is 7.2 pounds.

Will a heavier fish arise?

We'll find out right after this.

When you're gutting your catch,

are you sick and tired of being stared at
by cold, accusing fish eyes?

You need the Happy Hood.

That's right, fish. You love it.

And don't forget to play
the Happy Hood mobile game.

Homer Simpson's fish comes in
at 10.4 pounds.

- We have a winner!
- [fishers clamor]

- [fisher] Whoa!
- [cries]

I've never won anything before.
What do I do?

Uh.

Oh. [chuckles] My gorgeous boy,
I've never loved you more.

Thanks, Dad.

I get to cook
my husband's prize-winning fish.

The whole house
is gonna stink like victory.

What? Is this where marbles come from?
Like pearls in lobsters?

Uh, how did my slingshot marbles
get in there?

You added weight to my fish with marbles?

I-I couldn't help it.
Watching you lose was so boring.

So I didn't really win at all.
You cheated!

[grunting]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my gorgeous boy.
I've never loved you more.

"The Saga of the Oregon Trail.
A poem by Milhouse Van Houten.

We started our journey to the Pacific
because we heard that it was terrific."

I'm here to take Bart Simpson
to his doctor's appointment.

I have a doctor's appointment?

Oh, yeah, a bunch of them.
You're really sick.

"We made our first camp
when we were all ready.

We made our first dinner,
meatballs and spaghetti."

Uh, this isn't the way to the doctor.

[laughs] There's no doctor.

So I'm not sick?

I don't know. Everybody's got something.

- You and me are going cheating.
- Huh?

When your fish marbles
won me that contest,

it was the greatest thrill
I ever had as a father.

And I want to feel that rush again.

H-How do we cheat at rock skipping?

I don't know. Making a plan
to cheat in advance felt dishonest.

[humming]

Perfect.

[hums]

Ooh, a big envelope
from summer camp admissions.

I bet that's good news.

Mom, that's my safety.
Of course I'm gonna get in there.

Florida State's a total party camp.

Why haven't I heard yet?

Janey got responses from all her camps,
even her reaches.

Her essay was about
her grandmother's immigrant story.

She came from Ottawa.
That's barely an immigrant.

[grunting]

Mmm.

[announcer] Coming up later,

the LIV Pickleball Tour from Riyadh,
where it's 110 degrees in the desert,

- and the action's heating up.
- [camel groans]

But now, it's time
for competitive rock skipping.

Well, they are really scraping the bottom
of the barrel for new sports content.

Yeah. And barrel scraping is up next.

[announcer] Here, we have
last year's champion, Cletus Spuckler,

taking the shore.

Home viewers will notice that's not
the famous Nike swoosh on his shoes,

but rather leeches on his bare feet.

Here comes the skip.

[audience] Ah.

[announcer] Twenty-two skips!

That's a throw worthy of the late,
great Doink Anderson.

Interesting fact,
he left his widow nothing.

Next up, Homer Simpson.

A first-timer but using
the same equipment as these pros,

a flat rock he found on the ground.

[grunts]

- [announcer] Forty-six skips.
- [audience cheering]

This almost makes
my hitchhiking here worth it.

[chuckles]

[cheering]

This. This is what we do it for.
The cheater's high.

You can feel the scam
pulsing in your blood.

Like snorting lotto scratcher dust
or being elected king of Hamburger Planet.

You know, Dad,
all the times I cheated on stuff before...

school tests, COVID tests...

I always felt kind of bad about it.

But cheating with you feels so right.

Can we do it one more time?

Son, we're never gonna stop doing it.

[country music playing]

♪ Come on
Let's get our cheat on, baby ♪

♪ No need to follow rules
We're lazy ♪

♪ Order water
But fill your cup with Sprite ♪

♪ Say you're in the army
To preboard your flight ♪

♪ Fake a corporate tweet
To sell a stock short ♪

♪ Take your pig to work
As emotional support ♪

♪ We're a two-man scheming crew
Cheating's our father-son glue ♪

♪ Honestly with honesty
We never got along ♪

♪ I raised you right
By teaching you wrong ♪

♪ Get a doctor's note
For more time on the SAT ♪

♪ Write your term paper with ChatGPT
Yeah ♪

♪ Lose an election and call it unfair ♪

♪ Cut the roller coaster line
With a rented wheelchair ♪

♪ I reckon
You're my cheatin' soul brother ♪

♪ Cheat on everything ♪

♪ But never each other ♪

♪ But never each other
Whoo! ♪

Bart, I finally get why some dudes
become dads on purpose.

This has been the best week of my life.

Me too. And my life's not
a barfnado like yours.

Do you think it's a little strange

that your dad is suddenly winning
all these contests and giant prizes?

Yeah, I've noticed the same thing.

I guess I just assumed that sports
in America were getting much, much easier.

Hey, honey.

Do you want this ladies' gillie suit
I won at the tobacco-spitting competition?

Homer, we need to talk.

Oh, I like when we talk.
I don't like when we need to talk.

You're sure winning a lot of activities
you've never even tried before.

I'm sorry to ask this,
but are you cheating?

Oh, I can't lie to you.

Wait, that's a lie. I can lie and I have.

But I'm not going to now.

I am cheating,
but not for prizes or glory.

Me and Bart are cheating together
as a team.

It's our father-son thing.

[sighs] Can't you do
something else with Bart?

Like coach his soccer team?

Soccer? You mean bribing refs?
Where's the challenge?

That's not the kind of cheating
that brings a dad and his son closer.

We have this special bond
like LaVar and Lonzo Ball

or Cecil and Prince Fielder
before they became estranged.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Cheating is wrong.

Maybe you should find
another way to bond with your son.

Like just being a good dad.

Oh, where's the Jet Ski in that?

[groans]

Marge, you're always saying
you want our kids to succeed.

Then maybe not cheating is cheating them.

[grunts]

Refresh.

Nothing.

Refresh.

Still nothing. Refresh.

[gasps] Spinny rainbow! [gasps]

Nothing.

[doorbell rings]

Lisa Simpson. I'm here
from the University of Springfield Camp,

and I'm very excited to tell you

that you've been accepted
into our summer program.

[gasps] I got in?

That's amazing.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's so classy that you came
to tell everybody in person.

As the rowing coach,

I like to personally welcome
all the incoming members

of our camp rowing team.

What? Rowing?

Your application photos were amazing.

You can row anywhere in the shell.

Stroke, bow, powerhouse.

Wh... Uh, what? What?

See you at camp. Here's your Henley.

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps] Someone put doctored photos
into my application.

And I know who.

- [screams]
- You cheated for me!

What? No, I didn't.

Honey, what's the matter?

Dad and Bart put my head on
an Olympic rower's body

to cheat my way into camp.

No, we didn't. Why would we help
someone who's already good at things?

Now shut up. Dad's in the finals.

He could win an electric truck
they converted back to gas.

You've already cheated
at every dumb sport in the world.

I bet you're cheating
at this dumb sport right now.

[all gasp]

- [thuds]
- [Hans] Ow, my foot.

Lisa. [shushes]

A lot of these axe throwers
have guns in their cars.

What are you afraid of?
That they'll see this?

[all gasp]

A magnet.

If you was cheating at this,

I bet you cheated at all them other events
you surprisingly and illogically won.

We were robbed.

Of our prizes and our dignity.

- [rock music playing in headphones]
- Get 'em!

Stay back.
I'm a champion axe thrower. [grunts]

- [thuds]
- [Hans] Ow, my stump.

[axe throwers clamoring]

Don't let them cheaters get away.

Look, guys, you got us all wrong.
We didn't cheat.

Quick. Get on the ATVs we won by cheating.

[chuckles] Looks like you just got cheated
out of your revenge.

[all sigh]

If you think I'm not mad anymore,
you're wrong.

While we were escaping,
I got even more mad.

It's called multitasking.

And it was one of the legitimate skills
on my application.

Remember, the one you cheated on?

We didn't, I swear. Cheater's honor.

Oh, really?

Well, if you didn't, then who uploaded
all those fake photos of me rowing

so I could get into camp?

[Marge] I did.

You? You?

No, no. It must have been me!

No, it was me.

But, Marge, you're you.

You're sweet, pure, incorruptible.

[gasps] Dad, we ruined Mom.

No. No!

[retching, coughing]

What have I done?

Other than everything I know that I did.

Yes, I cheated.

And you showed me how to do it,

but not to win a beef jerky dehydrator

or Harley Davidson beard shampoo.

If you want your kids to succeed,
then not cheating is cheating them.

[retches]

Mom, you also cheated me out
of the chance to get in on my own merits.

I worked hard. I cleaned up the beach.

I taught old people how to email.

I was working with 72-point font.

Oh, this is all our fault.

Son, we made a terrible mistake.

But we can learn and do better.

Let's never, ever bond again.

You're right. Never again.

Promise me this is the last time we hug.

I swear, Dad. I swear.

There you is.

We never would have found you

if it weren't for all that guilt-vomiting
we done heard.

Go ahead. Kill me. Cleave my skull.

I don't deserve to live after corrupting
the only good person I've ever known.

I don't know about that.

We were just going to
rough you up a little bit.

Oh, well, I mean, I...
I guess we could kill you,

but you probably need
to sign a waiver or something.

[person] Nobody is killing anyone.

- [all] Aw.
- [Brandine] Oh, man.

The Simpsons coming with us.

[screaming]

[both grunt]

You think we'll all stay friends
after this or just drift apart?

Yep. Drift apart it is.

Ah, this is the camp I wanted to go to.

They must know about the fake application.

[chuckling] Welcome, Simpsons.
I hope you don't mind

that I had the University of Springfield
football team bring you here.

Um, I want to apologize for being party
to a false application.

My mother and I need to have
the talk about honesty.

Lisa, don't be mad at your mother.

It may surprise you to learn

that this institution has
a proud tradition of embracing cheating.

After all, this is
University of Springfield Camp.

USC.

Wh... You're okay with me cheating?

Say it isn't so, Dean Belichick.

You think your application was
the only one with embellishments?

Look at these.

This 10-year-old claims
she performs open-heart surgery.

This 12-year-old said it was her idea
to use big, fat straws for boba tea.

And you know what?
[chuckling] We let them all in.

[Lisa gasps]

But I want to live an ethical life.

This is the world we live in.

Taxpayers hide money from the IRS.
Dating profiles are nothing but lies.

And right now, the Houston Astros
are dreaming up ways to cheat

that would blow your mind.

[Homer screams]

So, here at USC,
we decided to own cheating

and prepare our students
for the way the world is.

Not the way some would like it to be.

What do you say, Lisa?

Will you accept our most prestigious
Lance Armstrong summer scholarship?

Am I risking everything I believe in

by refusing to do something
I don't believe in?

[groans]

I choose honesty.

I'm proud of you, honey.

Yep. Walking out the door,

leaving this room
and this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

[chuckles] Walking out. Here I go.

[strains] Principles powering my feet.
[grunts]

Would you like me
to give you a little push?

Would you?

[sighs]

Let the rowing coach know
we're sorry she was lied to.

[laughs] I think she may be used to it.

Homer, a moment?

I've been following your incredible
streak of dishonesty.

[chuckling] Very impressive.

So much so, I'd like to offer you
a position as a professor

in our Faculty of Cheating Studies.

What do you say?

Will you shape the minds
of tomorrow's white-collar criminals?

No.

For once, I learned something at college.

A lesson.

Cheating almost ruined my wife.

Who is all the love and goodness
you can stuff inside a green dress.

I'll never cheat again.

Except on diets.

Okay. Here's how you really skip a rock.

Oh, I used to be so good at this.

Hey, where's Bart?

He said he had an appointment
every Thursday night from 7:00 to 9:00.

Students, look to your left.
Look to your right.

Those are the people
you'll be cheating off of.

♪ Come on
Let's get our cheat on, baby ♪

♪ No need to follow rules
We're lazy ♪

♪ You get results from hard work but
Why bother when there's a corner to cut? ♪

♪ When you sell your home
Don't mention the mold ♪

♪ If you're gonna cheat
You gotta go bold ♪

♪ Record that spare as a strike ♪

♪ Strap your Fitbit to your bike ♪

♪ Ain't nothing like cheatin'
To get the old heart beatin' ♪

♪ Cheat along, little doggy
Whoo! ♪

Shh.