All language subtitles for The Simpsons - 35x09 - Murder She Boat.WEB.DSNP.en

♪ The Simpsons ♪

♪ I'm getting the mail
Hallelujah ♪

♪ I'm getting the mail
It's something to do ♪

Hmm. What the Helen Mirren?

[sighs] Stimulus checks?

We were supposed to cash these
during the pandemic.

Should we spend the money now
or wait for the next one?

So what are we gonna blow it on?
Jet Ski or motorbike?

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Mom, there is something
I've always wanted for this family,

but it's not a thing exactly...

Vroom?

...but rather, it's an experience.

Something we can all treasure
and talk about for years to come.

Wow.

Well, then maybe we should do it.

Wait, that's the move?

Go all sincere and emo? Gross.

Vroom, vroom, vroom,
vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

There is one small issue.

My idea will take some finessing with Dad.

Hmm.

[Homer] Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Surprise money, then a surprise cruise?
Two is the perfect number of surprises.

It sure is, Dad.

We're going on a regular cruise

with absolutely
nothing about it you'd hate.

What the hell is wrong with this boat?

- [groaning]
- "The Pacific Princess Leia is a cruise

by and for fans of sci-fi, fantasy,
comic books, anime and video games."

But... But those are all
just different names for...

[singer] ♪ Nerds ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Play pickleball ♪

♪ With Doctor Who ♪

♪ The nerd boat ♪

♪ Your Wolverine T-shirt is like a tux ♪

♪ The nerd boat ♪

♪ Where everyone knows
The new Star Wars sucks ♪

♪ The drinks are all virgin ♪

♪ Just like all the guests on board ♪

♪ Too busy geeking ♪

♪ On movies from Miller and Lord ♪

♪ And nerds won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ That's a vow from your crew ♪

♪ The Fantastic Four ♪

♪ You're nerds ♪

♪ Welcome aboard, you nerds ♪

Stop this loving homage!

I see what you're doing...

celebrating outcast culture that used to
be on the fringes... and I don't like it!

You nerds, stop playing dress-up,
or else I'm gonna wedgie you

and swirly you and purple your nurples
until they... [groans]

Hey, check out
that Avatar volleyball tournament.

It's Na'vi versus Last Airbenders.

And I'll be on the Harvey deck.

Ooh, look at all those Cadburys.

[gasps] Mmm.

Oh, my God. Is that Taika Waititi?

- [Helen giggles]
- I love everything you do.

Your Thor movies,
What We Do in the Shadows.

[gasps] Oh, and you're by far
my favorite on-screen Hitler.

Take that, the late Bruno Ganz.

Well, if you love that,
you'll certainly be in a furor

over my newest acting role
as Daerius D'Avignon, medieval detective,

in the new $300 million streaming show,
Murder, He Swords.

The murderer is the Black Plague again.

[actor groans]

You know it's good because
it's based on existing IP.

[all] IP. IP.

[announcer] Please welcome the king
and queen of this nerd prom,

Comic and Kumiko Book Guy.

Out of my way, league of non-legends.

Gaze upon your betters and weep.

Behold.

I have brought the jewel
of my collectible collection,

the rarest treasure in all of geekdom,

a Radioactive Man action figure

accidentally manufactured
with Wolverine claws.

- Look upon it and lose your mind.
- [crowd murmurs]

[cheering]

Only two of those defective toys were made
before they caught the mistake.

This you remember, but every year
our anniversary evades you.

Don't embarrass me
in front of the other Blades.

[snickering]

"Vomit" Book Guy is on the boat?

Oh, cruise ruined.

What do you have against
the Comic Book Guy?

I walked into his store two weeks ago.

I know this is weird, but I actually drew
a comic book of my own.

- [Comic Book Guy] Hmm.
- Check it out.

He's half croc,
half gator and full prankster.

Huh. Wow.
You know what, I'm really impressed.

I'm going to fax this right away
to my friends at Man, You Suck Publishing.

[gasping]

[laughs]

You suck.

I swear to God, one day I'm gonna
get my revenge on Comic Book Guy.

[chattering]

I hate this stupid baby dress-up cruise.

And why can't I be Uncle Fester?

I'm bald, and I already own
several black muumuus.

Ooh. Wait, this stuff doesn't have
punny names, does it?

No, it's just like any other cruise.

Infinite food for gluttonous slobs.

Taika, why are you eating all by yourself?

To maintain energy for all my writing,
directing, acting and rakish smirking.

[clicks tongue]
Plus, it's in my cruise rider.

I also get a cabin
facing the sunrise and the sunset,

unlimited Vegemite and the top tier
of any seafood tower.

[Homer] Ah, mmm. Hmm?

- [slurping]
- Hmm. Oh.

Now on display, the exquisitely flawed
Radioactive X-Gentleman,

aka Wolveractive Man, aka Radio-verine.

[crowd oohing]

Uh, look out, uh.
Don't give that guy money.

He's a dream-crushing jackass,
and he doesn't deserve dollar one.

I hope one day someone destroys
the thing you love most.

- [crowd murmuring]
- [Carl] Somebody turned off the lights.

- [crowd gasps]
- [screams]

[Lenny] The doll's head. It's gone.

Speak to me,
O headless Radioactive collectible.

Oh, sweet suffering mate,
let me share in your distress.

[singing in Japanese]

Who could have done such a thing?
Who could... [stammers, sighs]

Oh, the agony.

I wager Bart Simpson did this.

He had the motive, means,
and he's a notorious stinker.

That is a recipe for murder.

And look at the three tiny
scratch marks on Bart's cheek.

[doll clicks]

No one murders a doll on my ship.

To the brig.

[vocalizes "The Addams Family Theme"]

D'oh, d'oh.

I swear I didn't kill that doll.

Stop lying, boy.

I can't believe
you ruined my dream cruise.

You hate this cruise.

No, I hate the theme and the people
and the boat, but I love the food.

[slurps]

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
I know it's hard for you

to see your son
in this tiny cruise ship jail.

It is.

Well, don't you worry.

Tomorrow he'll be taken ashore
and locked in a full adult prison.

- [Marge] No!
- But with all the amenities.

Okay.

The Amenities are a notorious prison gang.

They really hate children.

- [Marge] No.
- [Homer gasps] Uh-oh.

Lis, I know it looks bad,
but I'm really scared.

I swear I didn't do it.

I don't know.

You've beheaded many of my dolls,
from Malibu Stacy to Fire Island Frank.

No, those aren't valuable. They're yours.

Bart, you've lied to me
so many times before,

how could I ever believe you?

Okay, but this time I'm telling the truth.

And to prove it,
I'm gonna own up to all my past lies.

[inhales]

That time when the dog buried
your saxophone in the garden,

he had some help.

When Malala called on your birthday
to tell you to suck lemons, that was me.

That time you woke up in a bathtub
full of garlic knots...

I get it. I get it. You're terrible.

Okay, I figure I only get one time to say,
Lis, you gotta believe me no matter what.

Right now, I am playing that card.

I did not destroy that doll.

Oh, my God. I believe you.

- [crowd chattering]
- [gasps]

The only way to clear Bart's name
is to figure out who really did it.

But I can't do it all
by myself. I need help.

I'll help you. No, hang on.
Let me try that again.

[louder] I'll help you.

Nailed it.

Taika Waititi? Seriously?

You'll help me exonerate my brother?

Of course. Why? I'll tell you.

Because I have a medical condition where
I have to be multitasking at all times.

Well, my brother can't be the only person
on this ship who hated Comic Book Guy.

So I guess we'll just have to question
every passenger on the manifest.

Why don't we start
with fans of the Taika-verse?

Whoops! That's everyone.

[laughing]

Let's go.

I hate Comic Book Guy,
and I hated that doll

because it originally belonged to me!

[gasps]

[gasps]

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Hi. Excuse me,
but I will take this, uh, non-priceless,

completely valueless garbage
off of your hands for, uh, $11.

But, Dad, I think
it might be worth a lot more.

Who cares, Milhouse?

This is two $5 footlongs
and a weird cookie.

Hey, Luann. Anniversary dinner
is back on, baby.

I didn't destroy that action figure,
but I sure had a motive.

A clear motive.

I don't know why you're interrogating me.

I have no bone to grind
with that Comic Book chap.

Really?

Even after Comic Book Guy
led an online troll army

to demand you be fired
and replaced in this?

[narrator] From the producers of Mad Max

comes a vision so dark,
so violent and so wacky.

Sideshow Mel...

We'll kill them all,
or my name isn't Dick Dastardly.

...and Timothée Chalamet as Muttley.

Curse that funny-book fiend.

He mobilized both the Hanna-Barbarians

and the Wack-olytes against me
in a devastating online petition.

[Lisa gasps]

First of all, that looks so good,
I'm surprised I didn't direct it.

Did I? October was crazy.

But, Mel, would your bone-trembling
anger lead you

to destroy Comic Book Guy's
most prized possession?

It would!

But it didn't.

But it could!

And if I did,
I would lie about it to you now!

But I'm not.

But I would!

Why are you wasting your time with me?

I love my greasy snowman husband and
his tragic blooper of an action figure.

We have security footage
that says differently.

[gasps] It's true.
I hated that injection-molded monstrosity.

When I first met Comic Book Guy,
I was his priceless collectible.

But now when we make love,

my husband calls out
the doll's serial number.

I just want back
my sweet Comic Book Gaijin.

So many passengers
could have committed doll-icide.

Huh.

Poor Bart. Ah, but, geez,
look at the mess he left in our cabin.

[gasps]

Oh, dear God.

I didn't think Bart did it,

but then I found this Radioactive head
from the decapitated doll in Bart's stuff.

He looked me right in the eyes
and said he didn't do it.

I can never trust him again. [cries]

Oh, sweetie. You've just learned one
of life's hardest lessons.

Sometimes, no matter how much
you love someone,

they're just going to let you down.

For your mother, it's me.

Just try to get some sleep, honey.

Bart will still be horribly guilty
in the morning.

- [sighs] Hmm?
- [knocking on door]

Rainier Wolfcastle?

There is something I must tell you
about the night of the "fanquet"

and subsequent toy murder.

When everything went dark,
I was wearing my night-vision goggles

from my upcoming film,
The Night-Vision Goggler.

[gasps] Did you see who did it?

Patience, Fräulein.

I did see the culprit, and I'm about
to tell you who he or she is.

Watch as the words emerge from my mouth.

The doll murderer is "nein" other than...

Ouch.

I will be passing out now
and all of these things.

[groans]

[Lisa gasps] Oh!

[groans] Damn it.

Ugh.

Lisa, are you also up dusting for prints?

That's what I call eating leftover food
off people's room service trays.

I don't care!

If one more horrible thing happens,
I'm going to lose it.

[person screams]

My sweet Comic Book Guy is gone.

Of course he is.

[inhales] I mean... [screams]

Bart's in jail, our one credible witness
just got sucker-shielded,

Comic Book Guy is missing,

and we're still no closer
to solving the case.

So many twists and turns.

What kind of murder mystery is this?

Stop talking, Taika Waititi!

That's it. I know who murdered the toy,
but I just need one thing.

An audience
to watch me milk the big reveal.

The murder
of Comic Book Guy's action figure

was committed by Comic Book Guy himself.

Based on a hunch,
I wrote to Lloyd's of London,

and I got this response
from Lloyd himself. Good guy.

Comic Book Guy had the doll appraised
and insured for 935,000 British pounds.

[crowd gasps]

So he turned off the lights

and murdered the plastic action man
himself for the insurance money.

But then he knew that we were onto him.

Or, let's face it, I was onto him.

So, he took flight in the dead of night,

but not before planting the doll's head
in Bart's cabin

and knocking out the one witness
to the crime,

washed-up action star Rainier Wolfcastle.

That's fair. [groans, exhales]

Now Comic Book Guy's probably
on a tropical beach somewhere,

sipping mai tais.

Little does he know that his heinous crime
has been exposed by me,

master sleuth,

and star of the upcoming reboot
"Kiwi's Big Adventure," Taika Waititi.

[crowd cheers]

Wow. He really did it.

Oh, my God.
How could I have been so stupid?

Amazing work, Taika Waititi.

I know you just cracked the case,
but I have a little theory of my own.

Does anyone wanna hear it?

[crowd] No.

Oh, come on, people. What's the harm?

Thank you, Taika.

Now, as you recall, there were only two
of these irregular Radioactive Man dolls

made in the whole world.

Oh, I remember.

What if the owner of the other doll
received some bad news

and broke their action figure
in a fit of rage?

And then what if that owner came
on this cruise specifically

to swap out their broken figure
for Comic Book Guy's intact one,

so that they could secretly
possess the only Radioactive Man

with Wolverine claws left in existence?

And I just discovered something
quite interesting,

thanks to the ship's onboard Wi-Fi,
which is spotty at best.

[all] Mmm.

According to this website,

that second doll was sold in Wellington,
New Zealand,

where they spell color with a U.

Now, who on this boat do we know comes
from New Zealand?

Well, that's a very clever theory.

But if it's a crime
to be from New Zealand,

you'd have to arrest both guys
from Flight of the Conchords.

What are their names again?
Fred and Jimothy.

[crowd murmurs]

You might be right.

But consider that the shield,

that incapacitated the only witness
to the crime,

seems to be covered with goo.

What manner of goo?

Dad, I know this is a weird ask,
but would you mind licking this... Oh.

Ugh. Ew. Salty.

Yeasty.

Ugh, with hints of malty grossness.

Vegemite.

The favorite food of Taika Waititi.

Or should I say "fav-our-ite"?

[crowd murmuring]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about
the scratch marks on Bart Simpson's face?

Those had to come
from the tiny claws on the doll he broke.

Did they?
Or maybe they came from this seafood fork.

My dad was selfishly shoveling pre-shucked
shellfish down his shrimp shaft...

one take... [chuckles]

...and he accidentally
scratched Bart on his cheek.

That silver-haired,
multi-hyphenate is guilty as sin.

[chuckles] Not without one more piece
of damning evidence, I'm not.

You can't just tear my cabin apart.

You need a warrant.

No, we don't.
We're in international waters.

We're in the middle of Lake Springfield.

I can see the Lard Lad statue from here.

Here it is.
Comic Book Guy's original doll, unbroken.

Damn it. Yes, it's true, Lenny.

I did it.

I threw my New Zealand Radioactive Man
across the room

when I found out the streamer was
shelving the second season of my series

without airing it!

For tax purposes?

Yes, for tax purposes!

So I hatched this plan,
because I needed the money

to throw into my already
enormous pile of money.

You haven't seen the last of me!

I've got powerful friends in New Zealand.

Hobbits, Orcs, Lorde,
Ents, Melanie Lynskey.

The "How Bizarre" guy.

We are a powerful nation.

[screams] Ow! Ow!

Lisa, your explanation was comprehensive
and utterly persuasive.

But as I was headed to get an orange soda
from the refrigerator,

one nagging problem did occur to me.
You see...

Oh, no.
Don't you dare start pulling threads.

That's not how mysteries work.

Once a smart character
like Sherlock Holmes or Lisa

does a super long explanation
of all the stuff you didn't notice

because you're dumb,
you just believe it and move on.

[crowd cheers]

There is one thing I can't figure out.

What happened to Comic Book Guy?

I mean, we looked everywhere.

[gasps] Except the one place
he would never go.

Oh, my sarcastic darling.

What happened to you?

Permit me to explain.

[Homer groans] More explaining?

[Comic Book Guy] When Lisa and
Taika Waititi began questioning suspects,

I set up a surveillance device,

because I wanted to mock
their inept methods of interrogation.

I hate Comic Book Guy.

But then again, so does everyone.

He smells like baked beans
that have been left out in the sun.

I loathe his voice.

Who speaks
with such exaggerated affectation?

[Comic Book Guy] No one should ever hear
what people actually think of them.

Apparently, I am not a beloved
quirky character like Kramer.

Instead, I am widely reviled
like the guy who played Kramer.

So I hid here surrounded only by shame
and whatever these metal things are.

- [Marge] Mmm.
- [Bart grunts]

I don't wanna get all sincere and emo,
but thanks, Lisa.

You never lost faith in me.

Well, if I'm being totally honest...

I never did.

I just want back
my sweet Comic Book Gaijin.

Once again,
a critical lesson is learned via hologram.

I have been a fool.

Best husband ever.

[both moaning]

[car squeaking]

[groaning]

Get out of there and come to bed.

I'll never let go.

Shh!