Original subtitles

Hey, bettors, gambling's now legal in every state,

except the lame ones.

But in the sport of sports-betting,

you got to sport-bet responsibly.

So, remember to follow these three rules.

Stick with the game plan,

unless you're down a lot at halftime.

ANNOUNCER: If you suffer from gambling addiction,

wait until the season is over, and then call:

Thank you, football.

I almost forgot to bet on the game.

TV SPORTSCASTER: With the Atoms down 42 to zero,

we are officially in garbage time, folks.

Our only viewers left are degenerate gamblers

who've placed longshot gimmick bets.

HOMER: You got to lose money to make money.

If either team scores any points,

we'll be eating name-brand ramen tonight.

Let's go, either team! Any points! Any points!

TV SPORTSCASTER: As the seconds tick off the clock,

the Molecules are going for a meaningless field goal

to humiliate the home team.

Yes, yes, humiliate us.

Come on, lucky ring.

You tricked Marge into staying with me, you can do this.

TV SPORTSCASTER: And the kick is good.

The Atoms lose 45 to zero.

Woo-hoo! You did it, points.

D'oh!

(grunting)

Okay, my ring's got to be down here somewhere.

Man, I got to get a handyman.

We used to have the greatest guy, what was his name?

Dave? Darryl?

(ghostly cackling)

(gasps) Is that a ghost?

If so, that means the afterlife is real,

which would free me from my fear of death.

(gasps) Please be a ghost. (gasps)

The ring.

Huh? Another the ring?

(hisses)

(screams) Polecat!

Okay, little skunk, everything's cool.

I'll just back away calmly, leave you alone,

and hire someone to kill you.

(soft footsteps)

- (both hiss) - (gasps) More.

- (hissing) - It's a stink of skunks.

(whimpering)

Marge, kids, remember me how I used to smell,

not as the horrible stench I'm about to become.

I love you all, to varying degrees.

(screams)

Ooh, my ring. (screams)

(both laugh)

This is my new desert island show.

All right, turn around and spread 'em.

Ow! Oh. (laughs)

Ooh. Ow!

More, please.

Ew, caramba!

Shouldn't you throw those clothes out?

Rather than clean them?

Don't rob me of the one part

of your dad getting skunk-sprayed I enjoy.

All I need is this pillowcase and my secret ingredients.

Wow, that took care of the skunk smell

and the Homer smell.

That's amazing, Mom.

How did you learn to do that?

Years of practice.

Your father has brought home so many different smells.

This bag cleans them all.

Wow, an innovation like this

could really better the lives of people

who don't have access to washing machines.

Ooh, like the homeless?

You mean unhoused.

I do?

How come all of these pillowcases are blue?

I think it's from my hair. Not that I dye my hair.

It's natural. It's just such a vibrant natural blue that...

It's okay, Mom. The blue's a nice touch.

It's a cleaning bag.

You shake your dirty clothes in it, and they come out fresh.

Oh. Oh, you're already doing it.

Ah, hot diggity.

I can finally get my old job back

as a stock image model for "man in suit."

Wow, them-there blue bags are impressive.

Can I give it a try?

That bag of yours finally cleaned my black hat.

Yee-haw!

Let me contribute $100 to your cause,

a Texas penny.

So, what's the name of your charity?

Oh, we don't have a charity.

I guess you can make it out to me.

Uh, you see, this is money I want to deduct

while avoiding capital gains.

So, I can only contribute to a charitable foundation.

A 501-C-HAW.

(gasps) We should become an actual charity.

Think of how many more people we would help.

Doesn't that involve a lot of paperwork?

You're in luck, little lady.

I got me my accountant right here.

Golly. Here's your articles of incorporation, ma'am.

What do you want to call that-there charity?

Hmm... Why not call it...

the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation.

Really?

It was your passion for change that got us here.

I just threw some powder in a bag.

Here's my charitable deduction.

I mean donation. I mean both.

I love anything that gets me out of taxes.

Texas?

No, taxes. I hate taxes,

but I love Texas

'cause folks in Texas love Texas and hates taxes.

No taxing's what Texans stand for.

We're a charity!

BOTH: Yee-haw!

- Yee-haw. - Yee-haw, indeed.

I used to ride the rails, but 'cause of you,

I traded in my bindle for a briefcase.

We're really making a difference in people's lives.

Even Crazy Cat Lady.

She's giving walking tours of Springfield now.

(mumbling)

(cats yowling)

- (cameras clicking) - (group aahing)

Lisa, can you run over to the market

and get some more baking soda?

Wait, we're using Hand & Armor Baking Soda?

That company is the worst. They support child labor.

Even some of their top executives are children.

MARGE: But the smiley hand on the box is so cute.

Our foundation only succeeds if we're doing good

every step of the way.

We have to make sure that every ingredient we use

is ethically sourced, even if it costs a little more.

Well, I can help with that.

I put the "fun mom"

in the "fundraising thermometer."

(groans) Mom puns?

I got to wash that out of my ears.

(grunting)

Okay, while you're raising money,

I'll scour the world for fair-trade, carbon-negative,

conflict-free ingredients. Dad can take me.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

Oh, it's even worse.

I've got a good feeling about the baking soda manufacturer

at the top of this mountain.

Oh, why can't anything good ever be at the bottom of a mountain?

Our baking soda is actually generated through meditation.

Every ten boxes we make,

a new monk reaches enlightenment.

Oh, my God, I finally understand the plot of Inception.

Now to ponder Tenet.

LISA: Oh...

(sniffs) This is the first empty fridge

I've ever liked.

(sniffs)

Oh, I'll take it. How much is it?

We don't believe in worldly possessions,

so you won't have any after you buy it.

(whistles)

(phone whooshes)

(phone whooshes)

Show your support

for the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation.

Hey, this corner belongs to the Salvation Army.

Give me that tin and get out of here.

Unless you'd like to donate blood.

(bell rings)

Oh, Marge, that was terrible.

Who knew a religious nonprofit

could be so "holier than thou"?

As a pillar of the community, a doctor's wife,

I know the secret

to running a successful charity.

Ooh, can you tell it to me?

Even better, I can sing it to you.

Um... I'm good, actually...

♪ It's time to stop thinking small ♪

♪ You got to dress up like an heiress ♪

♪ But what's the point of this fancy ball? ♪

♪ Why, dear, to raise awareness ♪

♪ Your charity has to stand out ♪

♪ From all the other ones with their hand out ♪

♪ Sadly, I'm a little squarish ♪

♪ Honey, you need to get more garish ♪

♪ There's no better way to show compassion ♪

♪ Than trotting out a few Kardashians ♪

♪ Don't mean to sound like I'm giving orders ♪

♪ But destroy those Doctors Without Borders ♪

♪ And to really get your donors givin' ♪

♪ Your charity needs a ribbon ♪

♪ It should be something blue ♪

♪ This one here will do ♪

♪ Get the ribbons everywhere ♪

♪ So there's not a patch of bareness ♪

♪ Once everyone is sick of it ♪

♪ We've reached peak awareness. ♪

Oh.

I love our new offices.

Well, it used to be a WeWork space,

then a Theranos lab, then production offices

for the WeWork and Theranos TV shows.

Those businesses must have been such successes

to have TV shows made about them.

Mm.

Is it a little strange that

everyone has to walk through my office to get to the bathroom?

That's your private bathroom.

(gasps) A husbandless bathroom?

I won't need a candle.

Our "Feeling Blue" awareness campaign

is really hitting its stride.

Look at all these products supporting our cause

with our copyrighted shade of blue:

blue shampoo, blue conditioner,

blue shampoo plus conditioner,

and Boo Berry cereal will be called Blueberry cereal.

LISA: Mom.

Look at all these people.

Our little charity has become big.

Check out our official symbol.

It's the same ribbon we use to tie the blue bags.

They've become so popular

we've completely run out of ribbons.

So what do you tie the bags with?

Well, we're a little behind in our bag making,

but we've been doing something even more important:

raising awareness about our bag making.

This is all very impressive, but do we really need

a headquarters this big?

Oh, this isn't gonna be our headquarters.

This is.

How on earth are we paying for that?

With a generous deduction... I mean, I mean, donation...

from our Royal Blue level donor: Mr. Burns.

What? He is the biggest polluter in town.

Excellent.

Honey, if we don't accept the money,

he'll just give it to someone else,

like the Salvation Army. (groans)

We have to return Burns's money.

Return the money?

While you and Dad were tromping around in the mountains,

I was building an organization

that can make real change happen.

With what? This?

Mom, you're just allowing evil companies to appear ethical

by slapping our color on their product.

It's bluewashing. That doesn't help the homeless.

We call them the unhoused.

I call them the unhoused!

Ugh! You've lost sight

of my vision for this charity.

I thought it was our charity.

Well, it's my name on the wall.

Well, it's my hair color.

- It's Clairol's color! - (gasps)

Okay, this clearly got out of hand.

Why don't we take a little breather.

Okay, have we both calmed down?

I don't need to calm down.

I'm your mother.

I think I know you better than you know yourself.

Oh, you're making my future therapist

so rich right now.

Maybe we should take

a little bit longer of a break.

Same time tomorrow.

Okay, are you better?

(groaning)

Okay, this feels good.

I think that last break was the clincher.

One more and we get a free sundae. (chuckles)

I have some good news.

The board has decided to promote you

to "The Lisa M. Simpson Foundation

Founder Emeritus."

Wait... emeritus?

I know what that means.

You're firing me?

No, we're just de-responsibilitizing you.

Congratulations.

Here's your check.

Would you like to round up with a donation

to the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation?

No! I never want to hear that name again.

It's my favorite student, Lisa M. Simpson.

- (grunts) - (muffled groan)

There, now you got ice cream. Let's go.

Yeah, I heard about what happened.

That I was forced out by my own mother

from the charity we created together?

I've never been fired before.

What am I supposed to do?

You don't know how long I've been waiting for this.

Finally, I can pass down to my kids

my vast knowledge about what I'm truly amazing at:

- being canned. - Really?

Oh, being fired is basically my job these days.

In fact, I was fired yesterday because of all the time I took

looking for ingredients with you.

(scoffs) At least you don't have to live in the same house

as the jerk who fired you.

Ah, anger.

The first stage in the five stages of getting fired.

Oh, so there's a process to this?

What's stage two?

Pretending you still have a job.

MARGE: Homer, can you take out the garbage?

Oh, sorry, honey. I'm late for work. Let's go.

So, how long do we have to sit in this coffee shop?

Until my boss realizes he made a huge mistake firing me

and begs me to come back,

but instead I pour macaroni salad

into his sunroof.

Wasn't anger stage one?

That was righteous anger.

This is misdirected anger! (grunts)

Ah, stage three.

Hi, Lisa. I see you're still on the couch.

How you doing?

I'd be doing a lot better if you moved that body

I "ruined in childbirth."

- I ruined it first. (slurps) - (sighs)

Lisa and I aren't supposed to have doomsday fights like this

until she's 14.

She always was precocious. (sighs) Oh...

Now all she does is lie around watching TV.

That's stage four: "glowering without showering."

But don't worry, we're almost at stage five:

"reluctant acceptance."

You'll have your daughter back,

and I won't have to keep making up stages.

Hey, Mom, I wanted to say...

you worked so hard to make our charity

a successful organization.

And then I came in criticizing it

and making you feel bad. I'm sorry.

Oh, sweetie.

Mm, mm.

So, I'll see you at the grand opening

of the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation Headquarters tonight?

Of course.

I'm proud of you, honey.

You're now ready for stage six:

buy podcasting equipment

but never unbox it.

And we successfully sued Pabst Blue Ribbon

for using our trademark symbol.

From now on, they'll be known as Pabst Teal Fabric Bow.

Our awareness is at an all-time high.

That's great. I guess now we can put our efforts

into helping people on the streets.

As the wife of a surgeon, I'm all about helping people,

but we're a mega-successful nonprofit,

not some charity.

As the wife of a radiologist, I agree.

But what about all the big donations...

I mean deductions we got from companies

for letting them put our logo on their products?

Marge, we didn't get money for that.

The companies paid us in awareness.

But when do we start helping people?

My wife's a dermatologist.

Oh, God, Lisa was right.

We have been bluewashing.

I don't deserve to walk on the blue carpet.

Take me around back.

Mm, all this opulence is making me queasy.

Oh, Lisa, queasiness is just hunger in disguise,

like how a hangover means you should drink more.

Okay, boy, what's your intel on the passed app situation?

We got mini quiches on our six

and ahi tuna cones at ten and two.

Fan out, and don't fall for the bruschetta.

It's a trap to fill you up.

It's an honor to be your chicken wing man.

♪

(groans softly)

Gil? What are you doing here?

I thought our blue bag turned your life around.

Ah, well, it did, for a bit, but then they demolished

the low-income housing I was living in to build that.

Now ol' Gil is homeless.

You mean unhoused?

I'm living in a tent on a sidewalk

and people yell at me for it every day.

I can call it whatever I want.

(grunts)

(orchestra playing classical music)

- (strings scratch) - (music stops)

And here's the CEO of the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation,

Marge Simpson.

(cheering)

I would like to thank all of you for coming.

Actually, I would like to judge all of you for coming.

- Huh? - (overlapping chatter)

This charity was supposed to help the homeless.

Instead, we evicted people to build

this extravagant headquarters,

creating more homelessness.

More homeless on the street

will help raise awareness.

I'm done with raising awareness

and with raising money

and with razing low-income housing.

It's time to turn the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation

over to the one person

who knew how to run it right all along,

Lisa Simpson.

(overlapping chatter)

Lisa Simpson's a real person?

Thanks, Mom. As co-head of this organization,

I'm turning this building into a shelter

- for the unhoused. - (crowd gasping)

Marge, you have to shut this down.

No, I have to open this up.

(overlapping chatter)

(gasps) They don't know which fork to use.

She's wearing a dress I gave away.

(blubbers) That's the man I had in my windshield for a night.

Enough of this do-goodery.

Open your eyes, rich people.

We're not here to help the less fortunate,

we're here to bask in our fortunateness.

If we really wanted to make a difference,

we'd do the one thing we've spent our lives avoiding,

paying our taxes.

(laughter)

Then one organization, "the government,"

could tackle all of society's ills,

instead of leaving it to 1.5 million separate

ego-driven micro-bureaucracies called "charities,"

including... get a load of this scam... religions.

But no one here wants the rational way.

We all want the United Way

because that's the American way.

Now, I paid $10,000 for this table.

I'm taking it with me.

Thank you, Mom. You did something really great tonight.

Now, let's turn this building over to the homeless.

Yes. We just need to get this notarized.

LISA and MARGE: Yee-haw!

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

(screams, moans)

(laughs, shudders)

(laughs) Ooh.

- Ow! - (Marge sighs)

Mmm. (moans)

(laughs)

(screams) Ow! Oh!

(screams)

- (moans) - (Marge sighs)

Shh!