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1
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:10,556
(humming)
2
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:13,491
- (whirring)
- (grunting)
3
00:00:13,493 --> 00:00:14,533
- (clangs)
- Ow!
4
00:00:14,530 --> 00:00:16,800
Oh, for the love of
absolutely nothing, Toot.
5
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,100
Keep it down!
6
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:20,373
You're disturbing my customers!
7
00:00:20,374 --> 00:00:21,444
(snoring)
8
00:00:21,442 --> 00:00:23,312
- (squeaks)
- Start the board meeting
without me.
9
00:00:23,313 --> 00:00:25,423
(snoring)
10
00:00:25,417 --> 00:00:26,587
Oops.
11
00:00:26,587 --> 00:00:30,597
Is my new Kawabashi Leaf Ninja
set in show-off mode?
12
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:33,995
That's 500 CCs
just champing at the bit.
13
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,771
- (revs blower)
- Ow!
14
00:00:35,772 --> 00:00:37,982
My black-market
cochlear implant!
15
00:00:37,976 --> 00:00:40,306
Now let me blow
something else.
16
00:00:40,314 --> 00:00:41,484
Your mind.
17
00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:44,262
Ow! My black market
LASIK surgery!
18
00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:47,655
The youth hockey team
that I sponsor and coach
19
00:00:47,662 --> 00:00:49,272
won the championship this year.
20
00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:53,535
Trophies are what they give
to winners, when they win.
21
00:00:53,541 --> 00:00:56,011
F. Y. I.
22
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,382
Okay, stuff like this
is why Gayle left you.
23
00:00:58,383 --> 00:01:00,593
No one knows why Gayle left me,
24
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:03,188
except for Gayle
and my more-handsome brother.
25
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:05,633
But don't let my success
get to you, Moe.
26
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:08,802
Remember, just because
something good happens to me,
27
00:01:08,804 --> 00:01:10,514
you're a giant loser.
28
00:01:10,508 --> 00:01:13,948
Anyway, just something
for you to stew on.
29
00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:17,758
Right. Sure I am.
Me, stew. No way.
30
00:01:17,756 --> 00:01:20,286
Not stew, not me.
No stew.
31
00:01:20,294 --> 00:01:21,704
- Hey, Stu.
- (chuckles)
32
00:01:21,697 --> 00:01:22,797
Me, stew?
33
00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:26,939
I ain't spending one second
replaying my failures.
34
00:01:26,941 --> 00:01:28,641
(chuckles)
35
00:01:28,644 --> 00:01:31,124
Like how I don't got no money,
I got no education.
36
00:01:31,115 --> 00:01:33,245
My mattress
is a pallet of flyers
37
00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:34,463
I was supposed to deliver.
38
00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:36,825
How I was invited
to five different dinners
39
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,257
for schmucks in one week.
40
00:01:38,263 --> 00:01:40,133
I only got one lightbulb,
41
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,203
which I got to take
from room to room.
42
00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:46,114
How every sex cult I join
turns into a suicide cult.
43
00:01:46,112 --> 00:01:49,052
I'm a speck.
No, I'm-I'm less than a speck.
44
00:01:49,051 --> 00:01:51,661
I'm nothing but, uh...
I'm a scuzz.
45
00:01:51,657 --> 00:01:52,787
Moe, what gives?
46
00:01:52,792 --> 00:01:55,732
You've been dwelling on your
failures for ten months.
47
00:01:55,732 --> 00:01:57,302
Why didn't you stop me?
48
00:01:57,301 --> 00:01:59,611
'Cause then we'd have
to touch your shoulder.
49
00:01:59,606 --> 00:02:00,776
(all shudder)
50
00:02:02,011 --> 00:02:03,981
Soccer season is over.
51
00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:07,191
The conquering
participant returns.
52
00:02:07,187 --> 00:02:09,387
Congratulations, sweetie.
53
00:02:09,392 --> 00:02:12,332
I know how hard you strived
to participate.
54
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:15,741
It wasn't easy,
but I did the bare minimum.
55
00:02:15,738 --> 00:02:19,148
Thanks for driving me to games
every Saturday, Dad.
56
00:02:19,145 --> 00:02:21,145
Well, I knew
it wouldn't last forever.
57
00:02:21,149 --> 00:02:23,149
And now,
with soccer season over,
58
00:02:23,153 --> 00:02:25,533
sitting season...
59
00:02:25,525 --> 00:02:27,155
begins.
60
00:02:27,161 --> 00:02:28,331
Homer, get up.
61
00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:31,100
Bart's first
junior hockey game is today.
62
00:02:31,102 --> 00:02:33,872
But-but kids' sports was over!
63
00:02:33,874 --> 00:02:36,554
It's great father-son bonding.
64
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:39,617
No. It's me driving
while Bart looks at his phone.
65
00:02:39,619 --> 00:02:41,989
Then it's Bart playing
while I look at my phone.
66
00:02:41,990 --> 00:02:45,030
Then me driving home while
we both look at our phones.
67
00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:48,400
That's what kids' sports is.
68
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:50,813
Can I have some money
to bet on the games?
69
00:02:50,808 --> 00:02:53,048
♪
70
00:02:53,046 --> 00:02:54,346
(indistinct chatter)
71
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,248
- (whistle blows)
- Okay, diapers.
72
00:02:56,252 --> 00:02:57,562
I'm gonna tell you something
73
00:02:57,555 --> 00:03:00,455
no coach ever had the heart
to say to his players.
74
00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:04,300
You are only here
to fix my emotional problems.
75
00:03:05,505 --> 00:03:06,535
Yeah!
76
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,910
We're 20 games away
from me getting a trophy
77
00:03:08,911 --> 00:03:11,921
and six payments away
from me owning this whistle.
78
00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:13,787
Now, you all know the game plan.
79
00:03:13,788 --> 00:03:16,158
We suck except Bart,
so give him the stupid puck
80
00:03:16,159 --> 00:03:18,659
and then shut our stupid mouths,
you stupid pukes.
81
00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:21,104
Yeah, good job, uh,
kid who ain't Bart.
82
00:03:21,102 --> 00:03:23,242
Now let's go watch Bart do this!
83
00:03:23,239 --> 00:03:25,849
(cheering)
84
00:03:25,845 --> 00:03:27,875
♪
85
00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,781
(scoreboard buzzes)
86
00:03:40,775 --> 00:03:42,805
(cheering)
87
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,718
Oh, you're so done, Toot.
88
00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:47,588
(whoops)
89
00:03:47,589 --> 00:03:50,089
(laughter)
90
00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:52,603
(indistinct chatter)
91
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,469
(whispering)
92
00:03:56,874 --> 00:03:58,044
(grunts)
93
00:03:58,042 --> 00:04:02,252
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch...
94
00:04:02,251 --> 00:04:05,791
Oops. My biggest guy
took out your scorer.
95
00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:09,472
Hey, feel free to retaliate
with your biggest kid.
96
00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:11,535
Hmm.
97
00:04:11,537 --> 00:04:14,937
Put me in, Coach.
I'll rip him limb from limb.
98
00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:17,413
(grunting)
99
00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:19,294
Let me at him. (grunts)
100
00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:23,834
(grunting)
101
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,772
- The net ate my hockey cookie.
- (audience cheering)
102
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,681
(crying)
103
00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:34,013
(buzzes)
104
00:04:34,014 --> 00:04:36,254
(groaning)
105
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,908
Wha...
106
00:04:45,905 --> 00:04:47,335
(gasps)
107
00:04:48,143 --> 00:04:49,583
(grunts)
108
00:04:49,579 --> 00:04:52,689
Oh, thank heavens.
An adult has arrived to help me.
109
00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:54,955
No, no, no.
I'm just here to observe.
110
00:04:54,956 --> 00:04:56,186
(grunts)
111
00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:58,402
Uh, how would you like
to play hockey?
112
00:04:58,396 --> 00:05:00,496
Haw-haw... key?
113
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,341
It's the most messed-up sport
in the world.
114
00:05:02,337 --> 00:05:04,737
It's like a prison riot
but with less rules.
115
00:05:04,743 --> 00:05:08,123
And you, you would play
the best position of all...
116
00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:09,646
the goon.
117
00:05:09,653 --> 00:05:11,023
Goon...
118
00:05:11,022 --> 00:05:12,222
Pretty word.
119
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,834
What it mean?
120
00:05:13,828 --> 00:05:17,898
It's that sweet spot between
a thug and an enforcer.
121
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:20,612
Anyone who comes near
the best players on the team,
122
00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,608
the goon turns their face
into mustard.
123
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:25,552
(chuckles) You're exactly
what my team needs.
124
00:05:25,551 --> 00:05:27,721
Team? I don't do teams.
125
00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:29,062
Sorry.
126
00:05:29,058 --> 00:05:30,628
Not my pierogies!
127
00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:33,498
My Oma makes them
but once a week.
128
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,109
(groans)
I got to deal with this.
129
00:05:36,105 --> 00:05:37,535
Nah, I get it.
130
00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:39,712
People look at scuzzes like us
like we got the plague.
131
00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,923
Which, when I did,
it weren't even bubonic.
132
00:05:42,919 --> 00:05:46,129
Our schedule, in case
you change your mind, there.
133
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:47,455
Maybe we'll both find out
134
00:05:47,461 --> 00:05:49,231
what it feels
like to be winners.
135
00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:51,371
- (grunting)
- Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
136
00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:58,048
Full steam ahead, lads.
137
00:05:58,049 --> 00:05:59,349
We make for the goal,
138
00:05:59,351 --> 00:06:01,991
and damn their
neutral zone trap.
139
00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:03,590
(laughing)
140
00:06:03,594 --> 00:06:06,574
Oh, another weekend
murdered by kids' sports.
141
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,337
How come this is
the only league in the world
142
00:06:08,336 --> 00:06:10,266
without a labor dispute?
143
00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:11,943
Unionize, cowards!
144
00:06:11,944 --> 00:06:13,484
SEA CAPTAIN: Yarr!
145
00:06:13,479 --> 00:06:16,419
(grunts)
I'm getting killed out there!
146
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,419
So you get a little dinged up.
147
00:06:18,423 --> 00:06:20,903
You ever seen the children's
wing at the hospital?
148
00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:23,395
They got murals on the walls.
You'll love it.
149
00:06:23,399 --> 00:06:26,539
Everywhere you look...
rainbow, rainbow, rainbow.
150
00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:28,310
The whole league
knows all they have to do
151
00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:29,879
is beat me up and they win.
152
00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:31,879
Yeah, you're right,
it's hopeless.
153
00:06:31,883 --> 00:06:34,423
There ain't nobody
who's gonna walk into this rink
154
00:06:34,421 --> 00:06:36,161
and turn me into a winner.
155
00:06:36,158 --> 00:06:38,058
No how, no when.
156
00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:41,172
Did somebody order a psycho?
157
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,138
Oh.
158
00:06:42,137 --> 00:06:43,407
Where do you want me, Crotch?
159
00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:45,576
Uh, it-it's "coach."
But just get out there.
160
00:06:45,578 --> 00:06:47,578
Get out there and do your thing.
161
00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,849
(grunts)
162
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,793
♪
163
00:07:00,006 --> 00:07:02,076
(buzzing)
164
00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,307
- We won!
- We did it!
165
00:07:03,313 --> 00:07:04,523
- Oh, my gosh!
- (cheering)
166
00:07:04,516 --> 00:07:06,746
- My life has meaning!
- (blowing whistle)
167
00:07:06,753 --> 00:07:09,163
As I've been screaming
for the last 15 minutes,
168
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:12,498
- all players must be
wearing skates.
- Oh, come on.
169
00:07:12,497 --> 00:07:13,967
There's no way that that...
170
00:07:13,968 --> 00:07:15,368
Oh, there it is.
171
00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:17,540
Rule number one:
"No cafeteria trays."
172
00:07:17,542 --> 00:07:19,912
The Bar Flyers forfeit.
The game is over.
173
00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:22,153
ALL:
Aw!
174
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,390
You said I'd get to win.
175
00:07:23,386 --> 00:07:26,556
All I did was make
everyone else a loser, too.
176
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,530
Loser? No, no,
you-you were amazing out there.
177
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,744
- I was?
- Kid, you are
a natural born goon.
178
00:07:33,741 --> 00:07:37,281
A real diamond in the urinal.
All you need is some training.
179
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,790
And I'm gonna make sure
that you learn from the best.
180
00:07:42,090 --> 00:07:44,600
Welcome to Top Goon.
181
00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,866
It's beautiful.
182
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,365
I'm gonna learn so hard, Moe.
183
00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:52,209
- I won't let you down.
- I know you won't, kid.
184
00:07:53,847 --> 00:07:56,617
- What was that?
- Oh, I just tousled your hair.
185
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,090
Ain't nobody
ever done that before?
186
00:07:59,091 --> 00:08:00,331
Uh...
187
00:08:00,327 --> 00:08:01,827
Keep going.
188
00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:04,540
Yeah, my arm's getting
a little tired, here.
189
00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:07,066
- That's your problem.
- (sighing): All right.
190
00:08:11,516 --> 00:08:13,516
Welcome to Top Goon.
191
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:14,990
I'd like to introduce you
to your faculty,
192
00:08:14,989 --> 00:08:17,559
the most feared men
to ever lace 'em up.
193
00:08:17,562 --> 00:08:19,372
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz.
194
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:20,665
That's just a nickname.
195
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:23,708
My given name is
David "The Hammer" Schultz.
196
00:08:23,707 --> 00:08:25,747
Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson.
197
00:08:25,745 --> 00:08:28,215
I look sane,
but trust me, I'm not.
198
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,346
You'll see.
199
00:08:29,351 --> 00:08:31,361
(growly):
You'll all see.
200
00:08:31,355 --> 00:08:32,755
And Tiger Williams.
201
00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:35,299
Your instructor
for Basic Pummeling
202
00:08:35,296 --> 00:08:36,526
and, time permitting,
203
00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:39,043
The American Novel:
1930 to the Present.
204
00:08:39,038 --> 00:08:40,008
(growls)
205
00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:43,146
As a goon, you have
one job on the ice:
206
00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:45,376
protect your team's best scorer.
207
00:08:45,383 --> 00:08:48,193
We call that person
your "primary."
208
00:08:48,189 --> 00:08:51,729
This is the most important
person in your life.
209
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:54,100
Who's the best scorer
on your team, Muntz?
210
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:57,441
- Bart Simpson.
- Then Bart Simpson
is your primary.
211
00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:59,341
Don't forget it.
212
00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:02,484
- Who do we protect?
- ALL: Our primary.
213
00:09:02,484 --> 00:09:04,664
And what do we do
for our primary?
214
00:09:04,656 --> 00:09:06,156
ALL:
Protect them.
215
00:09:06,158 --> 00:09:07,858
And who do we protect?
216
00:09:09,164 --> 00:09:10,504
Our primary?
217
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,240
This kid's good.
218
00:09:12,237 --> 00:09:14,637
("The Hockey Song" by
Stompin' Tom Connors playing)
219
00:09:17,013 --> 00:09:19,823
♪ Hello out there,
we're on the air ♪
220
00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:21,519
♪ It's hockey night tonight ♪
221
00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:24,063
♪ Tension grows,
the whistle blows ♪
222
00:09:24,061 --> 00:09:26,231
♪ And the puck goes
down the ice ♪
223
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,842
♪ The goalie jumps
and the players bump ♪
224
00:09:28,837 --> 00:09:31,077
♪ And the fans all go insane ♪
225
00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:33,575
♪ Someone roars,
"Bobby scores!" ♪
226
00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:35,580
♪ At the good ol' hockey game ♪
227
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:37,794
♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪
228
00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:39,959
♪ Is the best game
you can name ♪
229
00:09:39,959 --> 00:09:43,029
♪ And the best game
you can name ♪
230
00:09:43,032 --> 00:09:44,602
♪ Is the good ol'
hockey game. ♪
231
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:46,842
(groans)
232
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:47,840
Mm...
233
00:09:49,044 --> 00:09:51,124
Aw...
234
00:09:51,115 --> 00:09:53,045
Huh?
235
00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:54,422
Hey, sorry I'm late.
236
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,091
I couldn't unlock the Maps app.
237
00:09:56,091 --> 00:09:59,531
(chuckling): My phone don't
recognize my face as a face.
238
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:01,602
I can't believe you came!
239
00:10:01,603 --> 00:10:03,943
I wouldn't miss this
for my own mother's funeral.
240
00:10:03,941 --> 00:10:06,411
I made that choice
and I'm good with it.
241
00:10:06,412 --> 00:10:08,482
Hey, Moe.
How's it going?
242
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,153
You know these guys?
243
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:12,963
I used to be the bartender
in the penalty box
244
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,759
at the Philadelphia Spectrum.
245
00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:17,032
(chuckles)
My tip jar was full of teeth.
246
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,213
I got Phil Esposito's
whole mouth somewheres.
247
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,406
♪
248
00:10:21,408 --> 00:10:23,978
Muntz, recite the goon code.
249
00:10:23,981 --> 00:10:26,491
I am a goon.
I protect my primary.
250
00:10:26,485 --> 00:10:28,515
And... that's pretty much it.
251
00:10:28,524 --> 00:10:32,534
Nelson Muntz, you've out-thugged
every gorilla in your class.
252
00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:35,242
You are... Top Goon!
253
00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:37,236
♪
254
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,790
I did... not bad?
255
00:10:42,785 --> 00:10:44,285
Hey, you did more than that.
256
00:10:44,288 --> 00:10:45,518
You did not horrible.
257
00:10:45,524 --> 00:10:49,774
Now come on, I got a graduation
present lined up for youse.
258
00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:53,108
From up here,
the wads look like ants.
259
00:10:53,105 --> 00:10:55,575
Hey, you-you want to drop
pickled eggs on them?
260
00:10:55,578 --> 00:10:57,108
Sure!
261
00:10:58,049 --> 00:10:59,949
Yeah, Duff lets me
use their blimp
262
00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:03,063
'cause I buy up all the beer
that the employees drown in.
263
00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:05,999
Pretty sweet
for a couple of scuzzes.
264
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,738
Yeah, it's a big world
down there, kid.
265
00:11:08,737 --> 00:11:10,207
And when its back is turned,
266
00:11:10,206 --> 00:11:13,106
you can steal
anything you want from it.
267
00:11:13,112 --> 00:11:15,252
Oh, that egg just hit
a cop's horse.
268
00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,150
Floor it, Jimmy!
Floor it!
269
00:11:17,153 --> 00:11:19,363
(revving)
270
00:11:20,661 --> 00:11:22,901
(moaning)
271
00:11:26,506 --> 00:11:28,206
Great.
I have to drive 50 miles
272
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,949
to spend my entire weekend
freezing my ass off.
273
00:11:30,948 --> 00:11:34,348
Stone-cold sober,
sitting in seats with no backs,
274
00:11:34,354 --> 00:11:38,304
making awkward conversation
with dads who share way too much
275
00:11:38,296 --> 00:11:39,796
about their marriages...
276
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,509
I told Sarah when we got
married, "I am a foot guy."
277
00:11:42,505 --> 00:11:44,705
Please guess the one part
of the body
278
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,809
she just doesn't moisturize?
279
00:11:46,813 --> 00:11:48,753
Seriously, guess.
Guess!
280
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,860
- Please, just guess.
- Oh...
281
00:11:56,198 --> 00:12:00,038
Nelson, could I interest you
in a little skate?
282
00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:03,149
(groans)
I could stretch my legs.
283
00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:06,620
(thudding)
284
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:09,320
Bart's my primary.
I protect my primary.
285
00:12:09,324 --> 00:12:12,974
What happened here
is a result of your actions.
286
00:12:17,173 --> 00:12:18,943
(scoreboard buzzes)
287
00:12:18,944 --> 00:12:21,854
Wow. Your kid's got real talent.
288
00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:23,950
No-game recognize game, yo.
289
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:27,134
Shut up! Shut up, all of you!
Don't you see?
290
00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:29,497
There's nothing worse
than your kid being
291
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:30,868
so amazing at something
292
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,838
you can't blow it off!
293
00:12:34,642 --> 00:12:36,882
So, what's your old lady's
294
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,750
footwear situation at night?
295
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,750
Uh, socks?
296
00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:42,224
No socks?
297
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,467
All right, all right,
tomorrow is the finals.
298
00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,911
(whoops)
Hockey's gonna be over!
299
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,350
- If we win,
it's on to the regionals.
- D'oh!
300
00:12:54,348 --> 00:12:55,648
- Then states.
- D'oh!
301
00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,091
- Tri-states.
- D'oh!
302
00:12:57,087 --> 00:12:59,357
Quad-states, nationals,
and then tri-nationals.
303
00:12:59,358 --> 00:13:01,198
(moaning)
304
00:13:01,195 --> 00:13:03,465
But first, we take on
King Toots' team.
305
00:13:03,466 --> 00:13:06,936
The same puck-nuts what
humiliated us the last time.
306
00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:08,810
But I know we're gonna
win this game,
307
00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:12,050
because we got
our little hotshot MVP.
308
00:13:12,050 --> 00:13:14,890
That's right,
our Most Violent Puncher.
309
00:13:14,889 --> 00:13:16,559
- Nelson Muntz.
- (gasps)
- Huh?
310
00:13:17,628 --> 00:13:18,628
(Bart grumbles)
311
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,930
(cheering)
312
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,514
I score every goal
on this team.
313
00:13:26,111 --> 00:13:29,051
- (phone chimes)
- And who the hell is texting me?
314
00:13:29,051 --> 00:13:32,161
"Estee Dionne Malip?"
315
00:13:32,157 --> 00:13:34,827
Uh, does anybody know
what this, uh,
316
00:13:34,829 --> 00:13:36,969
"Estee Dionne Malip" is about?
317
00:13:36,966 --> 00:13:39,666
Hey, I'm dealing with
an Estee Dionne Malip?
318
00:13:39,672 --> 00:13:42,882
Anybody? I don't even know
who the hell I got this from.
319
00:13:42,878 --> 00:13:45,448
(groans) I'm just gonna
send it to my junk.
320
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,320
(laughing)
321
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,790
What? What is-what is funny
about that?
322
00:13:49,792 --> 00:13:52,002
- (laughing)
- (grunts)
323
00:13:51,996 --> 00:13:53,896
Show some respect to Coach.
324
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,440
Why? His car is a converted
washing machine
325
00:13:56,438 --> 00:13:58,208
and his wallet is a rat trap.
326
00:13:59,712 --> 00:14:01,822
- (snaps)
- (groaning) Aah!
327
00:14:01,816 --> 00:14:03,746
(laughing)
328
00:14:03,754 --> 00:14:05,624
Simpson's dead.
329
00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:09,904
Bart Simpson is your primary.
Bart Simpson is your primary.
330
00:14:09,899 --> 00:14:12,639
(chuckling):
Oh, he is such a scuzz.
331
00:14:12,638 --> 00:14:14,138
So am I.
332
00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:16,881
You're not my primary.
He is.
333
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,790
- (grunts)
- Ow!
334
00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:20,786
(gasping)
335
00:14:20,788 --> 00:14:23,428
(panting)
336
00:14:23,426 --> 00:14:25,126
- (groaning)
- Doc, is he gonna be all right?
337
00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:29,839
Yes. But I'm afraid his travel
hockey season is over.
338
00:14:33,613 --> 00:14:35,623
(muffled grunt)
339
00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,417
(Homer whoops)
340
00:14:38,389 --> 00:14:39,989
(moaning)
341
00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:44,735
What... what have you done?
Bart was our only chance to win.
342
00:14:44,736 --> 00:14:47,306
You were supposed
to protect your primary!
343
00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:49,107
I... I was.
344
00:14:49,111 --> 00:14:51,451
Like hell you was.
Why'd I ever believe in you?
345
00:14:51,448 --> 00:14:53,948
Y-You're just a fist.
Nothing more.
346
00:14:53,954 --> 00:14:55,524
Get off of my team!
347
00:14:55,524 --> 00:14:56,834
(gulps)
348
00:14:56,826 --> 00:14:59,396
Don't look at me.
I'm not crying!
349
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,199
(sobbing)
350
00:15:03,339 --> 00:15:04,639
(grunts)
351
00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:13,057
I just feel like "hockey team"
is still a smidge too big.
352
00:15:13,058 --> 00:15:15,328
Do you have any smaller letters?
353
00:15:16,198 --> 00:15:19,468
I'm no goon.
I'm just a fist.
354
00:15:21,743 --> 00:15:24,383
And this last stop in hell
355
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,151
is where I belong.
356
00:15:26,953 --> 00:15:28,563
(inhales, exhales)
357
00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:33,531
♪
358
00:15:34,869 --> 00:15:36,369
Afternoon there, ma'am.
359
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:37,811
Uh, I'm Moe Szysl...
360
00:15:37,808 --> 00:15:39,208
Yeah, can you hurry it up?
361
00:15:39,211 --> 00:15:42,381
I got to eat this when
it's fresh off the zapper.
362
00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,493
It's about your kid.
363
00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:45,856
I was his hockey coach
and I yelled some stuff
364
00:15:45,858 --> 00:15:47,958
that might have kicked
his heart in the plums.
365
00:15:47,962 --> 00:15:50,072
Oh, so you're
Coach Sizzle-slacks,
366
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:52,366
the guy he calls his primary.
367
00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:55,140
What? Nelson thinks
I'm his primary?
368
00:15:55,143 --> 00:15:57,383
- You sure about this?
- Yup.
369
00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:00,720
He yelled the whole story
at the window dog.
370
00:16:00,721 --> 00:16:02,391
(growling)
371
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,830
Nelson wasn't being a psycho
towards Bart.
372
00:16:04,829 --> 00:16:07,169
He was being a goon for me.
373
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,497
Do you know where he went?
374
00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:10,973
He said something about
walking the streets.
375
00:16:10,974 --> 00:16:13,584
Coming to a fateful decision
or whatnot.
376
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:15,120
Eh. Kid stuff.
377
00:16:15,116 --> 00:16:17,486
I got to find him
before he does something crazy.
378
00:16:19,659 --> 00:16:20,959
Nelson Muntz.
379
00:16:20,961 --> 00:16:23,371
Your reputation precedes you.
380
00:16:23,365 --> 00:16:26,065
I hear you're a dingus
to be respected.
381
00:16:26,071 --> 00:16:28,111
I'm just a fist with no code.
382
00:16:28,108 --> 00:16:30,878
Figure I'll be working
for you sooner or later,
383
00:16:30,881 --> 00:16:33,451
so why not get it over with?
384
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:39,501
I have a gift for smelling out
good henchmen.
385
00:16:39,497 --> 00:16:40,567
(sniffing)
386
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,267
I'm getting hints
of barely-suppressed rage
387
00:16:43,272 --> 00:16:45,482
with top notes
of "nothing matters" and...
388
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:46,746
(sniffing)
389
00:16:46,746 --> 00:16:50,286
...a deep finish of abandonment
by a male role model.
390
00:16:50,286 --> 00:16:53,026
Smell all you want.
It won't fix anything.
391
00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:54,225
Just tell me who to hurt.
392
00:16:54,227 --> 00:16:56,327
Want me to get him a lead pipe?
393
00:16:56,331 --> 00:17:00,541
Let's start him out easy. PVC.
394
00:17:06,084 --> 00:17:08,564
How you doing, son?
Can you move?
395
00:17:08,557 --> 00:17:10,527
A little, but it hurts.
396
00:17:10,527 --> 00:17:11,957
I meant can you
move off the couch.
397
00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:15,543
I'm about to enjoy my first
hockey-free weekend in months.
398
00:17:15,537 --> 00:17:17,637
Ooh, hockey!
399
00:17:17,641 --> 00:17:19,781
(grunting)
400
00:17:20,714 --> 00:17:23,854
Homer, get up.
You and Bart are gonna be late.
401
00:17:23,853 --> 00:17:26,193
What? He's useless.
Doc said so.
402
00:17:26,191 --> 00:17:29,031
He can't play any sport
that I have to drive him to.
403
00:17:29,030 --> 00:17:31,940
He has physical therapy,
and the only place
404
00:17:31,936 --> 00:17:35,306
that takes our insurance
is three hours away.
405
00:17:35,309 --> 00:17:38,279
If they ask, Bart is a veteran.
406
00:17:38,282 --> 00:17:39,652
Oh...
407
00:17:42,423 --> 00:17:44,733
Mr. Mayor, I believe
you know the founder
408
00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:48,799
of this vaguely-purposed
yet tax-exempt charity,
409
00:17:48,803 --> 00:17:50,713
my goomar.
410
00:17:50,707 --> 00:17:54,077
Mistresses are the lifeblood
of our community.
411
00:17:58,255 --> 00:18:00,625
Private event.
No pictures.
412
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:04,328
Well done, Nelly No-Sleeves.
413
00:18:05,938 --> 00:18:07,608
If you'll excuse me,
414
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,748
my men and I have some
perfectly innocent business
415
00:18:10,747 --> 00:18:14,047
to attend to in the back room.
416
00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:16,434
God bless back rooms.
417
00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:18,825
You know why you're here.
418
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:22,740
You borrow money from me,
I expect to be repaid.
419
00:18:22,738 --> 00:18:25,678
Time to make your bones.
420
00:18:25,677 --> 00:18:27,547
NELSON:
Lead.
421
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,087
This is all I am.
422
00:18:31,088 --> 00:18:32,658
MOE:
Stop!
423
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,730
Nelson, listen to me
before you done did something
424
00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:37,773
you can't done undid.
425
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,108
Whoever's under that hood
don't deserve this.
426
00:18:40,106 --> 00:18:42,676
- They're a human being.
- Moe!
427
00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:45,748
Aw, thank you, old buddy.
(weak chuckle)
428
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,721
Oh, not youse!
429
00:18:47,721 --> 00:18:49,121
You got to help me out.
430
00:18:49,124 --> 00:18:51,164
I only borrowed money
from the mafia
431
00:18:51,161 --> 00:18:53,471
to buy fake birth certificates
for teenagers
432
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,665
so they could play
ten-and-under hockey.
433
00:18:55,671 --> 00:18:58,911
No one deserves a Kansas City
knee job more than this guy,
434
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:00,310
but that don't matter none.
435
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,393
You swing that pipe,
that's your soul on the line.
436
00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:05,385
You're wasting your time,
"Coach."
437
00:19:05,389 --> 00:19:08,159
You said it yourself:
I'm just a fist.
438
00:19:08,162 --> 00:19:10,172
I know, and that's how
I saw youse at first.
439
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,536
As a weapon.
440
00:19:11,536 --> 00:19:12,706
I was using you,
441
00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:15,505
because I was obsessed
with beating King Toot here.
442
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:18,350
I knew it.
I'm in your head, bro.
443
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,619
Feed him his own mustache!
No, wait. Don't, don't.
444
00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:23,532
Listen to me.
You're a great kid.
445
00:19:23,526 --> 00:19:27,196
You're determined, selfless,
a real teammate...
446
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,170
And you did for me
what I failed to do for you.
447
00:19:30,172 --> 00:19:32,912
You had my back, scuzz to scuzz.
448
00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:37,050
Aw. (chuckles)
449
00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:38,163
I don't know.
450
00:19:38,155 --> 00:19:41,285
Sometimes, boss, I think
you only see me as a knife.
451
00:19:41,294 --> 00:19:42,564
Did you know I got dreams?
452
00:19:42,564 --> 00:19:44,944
I want to open a gourmet
mac and cheese place
453
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:46,435
called Louie's Gooey.
454
00:19:46,438 --> 00:19:48,778
And I'm learning Swedish
on a phone app.
455
00:19:48,777 --> 00:19:50,747
But I'm just a gun to you.
456
00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:53,947
Gentlemen, I don't
see you as weapons.
457
00:19:55,857 --> 00:19:57,757
(crying)
458
00:19:58,963 --> 00:20:01,573
Freaking millennials.
459
00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:05,179
Hockey's over, but maybe
we could still do stuff.
460
00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:08,116
You know, like
throw turtles at birds?
461
00:20:08,115 --> 00:20:09,845
Any time you want, kid.
462
00:20:09,852 --> 00:20:11,722
But whatever we do, from now on,
463
00:20:11,723 --> 00:20:14,703
let's leave
the violence behind, uh?
464
00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:17,095
(grunts)
Aah!
465
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,637
Ah.
There you go, kid.
466
00:20:19,638 --> 00:20:22,038
- You earned that.
- No, I haven't.
467
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,653
And that's what makes it
all the sweeter.
468
00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,118
("Through the Fire"
by Larry Greene playing)
469
00:20:26,118 --> 00:20:29,018
♪ Through the fire ♪
470
00:20:29,023 --> 00:20:31,433
♪ To the wire ♪
471
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:35,373
♪ When the night
out of control ♪
472
00:20:35,369 --> 00:20:38,309
♪ Is breaking your heart ♪
473
00:20:38,308 --> 00:20:40,948
♪ Through the fire ♪
474
00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:42,747
♪ Through the fire. ♪
475
00:20:42,751 --> 00:20:43,951
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
476
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:44,963
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
477
00:20:44,955 --> 00:20:45,955
and TOYOTA.
478
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,601
Slower...
479
00:20:52,604 --> 00:20:54,884
slower... great.
480
00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:58,815
Okay, do another hundred,
each one way less fast.
481
00:20:58,817 --> 00:20:59,687
Oh...
482
00:20:59,685 --> 00:21:01,655
Now, with three sessions
a week...
483
00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:04,626
- Oh...
- for the next four months...
484
00:21:04,628 --> 00:21:05,658
Oh!
485
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,574
...we can have you ready
just in time
486
00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:10,238
for the start
of baseball season.
487
00:21:10,239 --> 00:21:11,839
D'oh.
488
00:21:12,678 --> 00:21:15,378
♪ Oh, the good ol' hockey game ♪
489
00:21:15,382 --> 00:21:17,692
♪ Is the best game
you can name ♪
490
00:21:17,688 --> 00:21:20,188
♪ And the best game
you can name ♪
491
00:21:20,192 --> 00:21:23,902
♪ Is the good ol' hockey game ♪
492
00:21:26,071 --> 00:21:27,511
♪ It's in! ♪
493
00:21:27,508 --> 00:21:28,808
- He shoots, he scores! ♪
- (cheering)
494
00:21:28,810 --> 00:21:30,010
♪ Henderson scores
for Canada! ♪
495
00:21:30,012 --> 00:21:31,682
Shh!
496
00:21:33,786 --> 00:21:36,016
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org35160
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