Original subtitles

♪

Everything here is made out of garbage.

Upcycling is at the very core of the modern maker movement.

It's very responsible.

Like these doggie chew toys made out of...

used retainers?

Ugh! Too responsible!

(laughing)

Hey, guys. You're craft fair fans, too?

Ew, no. We're doing a photo scavenger hunt

for Francine's birthday party.

We need a picture of something sad.

I wonder why I wasn't invited.

'Cause you're a party narc who ruins everybody's fun.

What? When have I ever done that?

You once deflated a bouncy house 'cause you smelled mildew.

You shut down a pool party

'cause the diving board wasn't code.

You stopped a barbecue

because the fire extinguishers were expired.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Basically, you're a wet blanket.

That's not true, she's more like a blanket

that tattles and kills all joy.

Ooh, that's sad.

(laughs)

(groans)

Oh, what a beautiful little box.

I'll take this.

You'll need this polish.

It's my blend of secret ingredients,

including carnauba wax. That-that one's not a secret.

Okay, I'll take both.

I have to explain to the box

that it's going to live with you now.

Okay, baby, you're gonna go...

Are you seeing this?

Are you seeing that?

(chuckles) Man bun.

Pathetic old dude thinks death won't find him

if he has a freaky hair lump.

(chuckles) Stupid bun.

(shrieks)

Homer, Marge!

You finally get to meet my special lady.

This is Blythe.

Special lady? Since when?

Oh. Oh, it's been almost six months.

And we're just hearing about it now?

What do you mean? I left you tons of messages.

I thought those were all butt-dials.

(beeps)

GRAMPA: Homer, I've met someone...

- (beeps) - I'm in lo...

- (beeps) - Blythe and I are getting seri...

- (beeps) - I fell out of the senior van and I'm lost...

How did you two meet?

I was hired by the Retirement Castle

to cleanse auras with a therapeutic sound bath.

But I don't want inner peace.

(grunts)

(chiming harmoniously)

GRAMPA: But when she started gongin' her gongs,

it felt like I stuck my tongue in love's power outlet.

(moaning): Oh, wow.

BLYTHE: As Abe vibrated past,

there was something inside him that called to me.

GRAMPA: It was the bullet I fired into my foot during the war

to get out of KP duty.

(gasps)

(sighs)

(both moaning)

We're not wasting any more time.

I'm moving in with her.

I finally found true love.

And I finally won't have to pay

for your retirement home. (cries happily)

(chimes ringing)

You have so many chimes.

You're not going to miss any wind.

Ooh, this is my son Calvin.

Felicitous greetings on this day to you.

That's how this one guy talked in Star Trek

when they went to a Shakespeare planet.

It's how I'm saying hello these days.

Oh, uh, hello-eth to you.

What a charmer.

- How old is Calvin? - 11.

Hmm, so you had him when you were...

Oh, he's adopted.

Cute kid, but, man, my dad's gonna eat him alive.

Hey, there's my guy.

Wha?

Uppies!

(gasps)

He never gave me uppies.

(groaning)

Abe and Calvin love to cook for company.

Final looks on the plating, chef.

That one needs a sweep of balsamic, chef.

Nobody's refilled my water glass.

This restaurant would get zero Michelin tires.

Tonight we've made for you a roasted chicken

with apricot and fennel.

- MARGE: Mmm. - How are we enjoying the first bites?

Hmm...

Well, I'm not getting fennel at all.

So that's a fail.

(whispering): Don't be rude.

(shrieks) Shelf rat!

Well, they're both rodents, but this little dude

is a Sciuridae, or squirrel, if you prefer.

I'd prefer that it not stare into my soul

like it knows my sins.

Calvin does taxidermy. That's one of his pieces.

He's a rising star in the field. He takes classes with adults.

You can't even see the tire tracks

- on this guy anymore. - (alarm beeps)

Uhp, time for your glocky-drops, Abe.

Aw, that stuff makes me blinder than an umpire in a mineshaft.

You know the drill, commodore. Head back, eyes open.

BOTH: Rain, rain.

Windshield wipers!

(Calvin hums happily)

Here you go, sweetie.

We made that chestnut stuffing I know you love.

BLYTHE: Abe, you're feeding the thermostat again.

D'oh! Damn glocky-drops!

Yo, our grandfather Abe Simpson moved out,

but left his... (shudders) denture cup.

Do you have a lost and found?

Please say you don't have a lost and found.

Oh, Abe's moved out?

Well, his room is paid up for the next two weeks.

Uh, actually, I misspoke.

Um, Abe is still using the room. Using it like crazy.

(Lisa exclaims)

We own this place for two whole weeks.

- Hmm. - We can take a shower in a chair,

- flush the toilet a million times... - Interesting.

Oh, you're gonna tell Mom and Dad about this, aren't you?

Nope, this is one whistle I'm not gonna blow.

Instead, what if we used this room

to throw the greatest slumber party ever?

No rules, no limits,

and, dare I say it, no slumbering.

(straining): Tell me more.

Also, that kid is not that good of a cook.

There's such a thing as chicken being

too tender and juicy, you know?

Our wood is really loving this carnauba stuff.

And what kind of kid does taxidermy?

Dead animals are meant to be

poked with a stick, end of story.

Homer, you've been complaining about Calvin for three days.

Why are you so obsessed with him?

What? I don't think about him at all.

But did you notice how he asked to be excused?

That speaks to a guilty conscience.

And another thing.

(lisping): Why is my tongue swelling up?

- (gasps) - What is this rash?

Oh, my gosh.

You must be having an allergic reaction to the carnauba wax.

Well, stop using it!

I-I've rubbed it into the floors, the windows.

Every wood surface in the house has been carnauba'd!

It'll take weeks to dissipate!

But where do I go to breathe?

(groans)

Yay, you're here.

I was putting up glow-in-the-dark stars.

I'll let you distribute the other half,

since you're kind of like my brother now.

Brother? (scoffs) I'm a grown man.

Half? This is barely a third. No fair!

Dad!

Okay, Harry Potter chapter read, pillow fluffed...

Scary German puppet turned to face the wall.

GRAMPA: Uh-huh.

And now, a good-night kiss.

Mmm...

Watch your feet!

(both grunting, groaning)

- Night, Calvin. - (light switch clicks)

Psst. Homer. Want to play 20 questions?

Okay. Question number one: Shut up.

(laughs) You're funny.

We should go out on our bikes tomorrow.

I know this place by the nuclear plant that has the best jumps.

Oh, wait. Did you bring your bike?

I don't have a bike, I have a car.

And I don't play at the nuclear plant,

I work there because I am a grown-up.

Abe says I'm mature for my age.

When we check in at a restaurant,

he gives the host my name,

so I'm practically a grown-up, too.

No, you're not. You're a pants-wetting baby.

(sputters) That is patently untrue.

I have excellent bladder control.

If anything, I hold it in too long.

Pants-wetting baby!

Stop lying! (grunts)

(gasps) You threw that zipper-first!

(grunts)

(gasps) My orrery! Eat gas giants!

I'll give you a gas giant!

(both grunting)

Stop squirming and let me fart...

- No! - ...on your head!

Never! (grunts)

- Ow! - (shouts)

I welcomed you into my home,

my room, where I keep my artifacts.

But you, sir, are a butt brain!

From here on out, it's war.

(groans)

♪

- (toilet flushes) - (Calvin shrieks)

(Homer shouts)

(laughs)

(stammers, grunts)

♪

(whimpers)

(gasps)

(groans)

(Homer chuckles)

♪

- (Calvin laughs) - (screaming)

(yelling)

(chuckles)

Thank you, Mother. Pickup is noon tomorrow.

Don't be early. Bye, now.

Drive away. Don't look back.

(muffled music playing)

♪

Welcome to our pop-up sleepover.

Do you have the "birthday gift"?

One $25 gift card.

(Bart chuckles)

Take off your shoes, we have unlimited bed-jumping.

(laughing hysterically)

I've never felt so alive!

We got PG-13 movies, rated "M" videogames.

What if Mother calls?

We got Milhouse in the closet standing by. Guy's a pro.

(imitating adult): Oh, hello, Wendell's mom.

Yes, I will remind him to wear his night guard,

because I am another parent. (normal voice): Love you.

Lis, take a moment. We did this. You did this.

(clamoring, laughter)

- ♪ - (Nelson grunts)

(laughing)

I am Lisa, bringer of fun.

Driest of blankets.

(car rattles)

Must you hit every bump?

(tires screech)

- Oh! - (car rattles)

Oops.

I make a million dollars a year. Did you know that?

- No, you don't. - Oh, yeah?

Then why do I have a ton of DVDs?

What's a DVD?

Ugh, your car smells like fried chicken.

No, I smell like fried chicken.

Can you breathe through your mouth?

Your nose is squeaky.

(breathes loudly)

(breathes louder)

Yeah?

(both breathing loudly)

(both wheezing)

(both straining and wheezing)

(Calvin coughs)

(Homer whimpers)

Wow, Calvin, what a great start.

But how would a pelican have access to a freshwater fish?

(laughs) Well, that's the joke!

(sarcastic laughter)

Oh, so funny to murder innocent water birds.

Uh, it died of natural causes, ding-dong.

I have a network of park ranger friends

who save dead animals for me.

So you're not a psychopath, just a weirdo. Got it.

It's always sad when an animal dies,

but this pelican gets to speak to the world as art.

I was inspired to make this

after Abe told me about his time in the war.

His stories are so cool, but disturbing.

I will not sit here

and have you call my father's stories cool!

They're meandering and endless.

I'm going to Moe's, where people know what's boring.

(scoffs)

And it's not just taxidermy,

Calvin's got a million creepy hobbies.

And my dad thinks they're all great.

When I was his age, I was cleaning pool covers from below.

Yeah, going house to house with my scrub brush and Speedo.

I stuck googly eyes on shells and sold them at the beach.

Till my dad told me to knock it off

because people would think I was a freak.

Yeah, my pop also told me to lay low.

Literally. We were gravediggers.

We took turns sleeping in open graves.

Heh. Nothin' builds character

like waking up to a coffin being lowered on top of youse.

To unprocessed trauma.

- Hi, Lisa! - She waved to us!

(both laughing)

Our sleepover is a hit.

We have the room for one more weekend.

We're gonna be gift card thousand-aires.

No, Bart, we have to reinvest in our next party.

We have to top ourselves.

I'm thinking face painters, walk-around SpongeBob,

one of those pools you can surf in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you chain-sucking lollypops?

Just need a little something

'cause I didn't sleep much last night.

I was pricing mashed potato stations.

Lisa, in the non-weekend world, you have to have a bedtime.

I don't want to live in the non-weekend world.

We've only got one more chance

to scrawl our names across the slumber party sky.

I'll sleep when I'm nine.

(groans)

(grunting)

Hmm? Hmm.

(imitating Calvin): Look at me, I'm Calvin.

I'm little but I use big words.

Son, I know it's hard sharing a room

with someone so, uh, different than you.

But you've handled it with grace and maturity.

Anyway, I just wanted to say

- I'm so proud of you... Calvin. - (gasps)

Ooh, aah, dah!

I can't see a thing with these glaucoma drops. (sighs)

HOMER: He thinks I'm Calvin.

Look at how he looks at him.

He never looked at me that way.

Are you okay, kid? You seem kind of quiet.

(imitating Calvin): It's just... I've never heard you say

you were proud of me. Ever. In my entire life.

What are you talking about?

I say that to you all the time, Calvin.

Oh. (laughs weakly)

I forgot.

(Grampa chuckles)

Homer, you villain! Do not harm that birdhouse.

The nuthatches did nothing to you!

(sighs heavily)

What's wrong with you?

My dad kisses the butt you walk on.

I'd get it if you were great at sports,

or fixing cars, or demolishing buildings,

but you're just a weird little kid.

And my dad hates weird little kids.

At least... he sure hated me.

Homer, Abe doesn't hate you.

Oh, yeah? I'll show you.

We got ten minutes until his eyedrops wear off.

(grunts) You be me.

Dad, do you have a second?

Dang it, Homer. Do you think I'm made of seconds?

I was in the middle of a very important word find puzzle.

I was about to find the longest diagonal of my career.

Now what do you want?!

Um, I-I...

You, you, you nothing!

Wow, that was harsh.

Do you ever tell him how he makes you feel?

Kinda. I stuck him in the worst nursing home I could find.

Figured he'd read between the lines.

I think you need to find a new way to express your feelings.

It might need to be more than just words.

But my way with words be my best moutha-ma-callits. Aw.

You'll figure out a way to get through to your dad.

You just need to put on your thinking cap.

(muffled music playing)

(clamoring)

(Bart grunts)

Where have you been?

I had to get Band-Aids.

Lewis got stabbed with a juice box straw.

Somebody fed the pony Pop Rocks and he kicked out the TV.

His poop is popping!

(crashing, creaking)

The climbing wall collapsed onto the Reptile Rodeo.

There's loose tails everywhere.

I tried to throw a party, but the party threw me.

I'm putting a stop to this.

Are you sure?

You know what that will make you.

Hello? Yes, I'd like to blow the whistle

on an out-of-control party at The Retirement Castle.

Oh, my name? It's Lisa Simpson, party narc.

Well, the party's shut down, kids are packing up their stuff.

Great. I'm sure they all hate me.

- Yeah, probably. - (sighs)

I gotta dump the churro sugar out of my shoes.

(laughter)

- (gasps) - They've arrested Lisa!

She's paying the ultimate price for throwing the ultimate party.

You're our hero, Lisa!

(gasps)

If you drive me home with the siren on,

we've got a freezer full of Snickers.

- (siren wailing) - Go, Lisa!

- Lisa, you're the best! - You got this, Lisa!

Call your lawyer!

(indistinct chatter)

There's some really inspiring work here tonight.

Yours is a blistering indictment of American consumerism.

I love how the middle joey

is looking in the opposite direction,

as if imagining a different future.

Glad you got that. I worried it was too subtle.

Oh, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

♪

Now, let's announce tonight's winners.

Hold on, there's one more entry!

A strange man with an object hidden under a pillowcase?

Come on up! I want to see this.

I was told to find a new way to communicate.

My stepbrother Calvin expresses his feelings through taxidermy,

so I decided I would do the same.

That's not taxidermy, you idjit!

But it's very deep. And... sad.

The small shell pleading with its eyes to the larger one.

It is clearly about a son's need for his father's approval.

What? It's just two smelly shells glued on a board.

Abe, look at it. Really look at it.

Hmm.

♪

(groans)

(gasps)

(sniffles) What these shells are saying, is that how you feel?

You seem to love being a dad to Calvin,

but you hated being a dad to me. (sobs)

No, son, no. See, when you were a kid,

being a dad felt like the end of my youth.

But now with Calvin,

it's my last chance to feel young.

Oh, so what you're saying is no matter how old you are,

it's only ever been about what you need.

You finally get me.

It wasn't because I was a bad kid.

You're just horribly flawed.

I am!

(cheering)

Another family saved by taxidermy.

All right, let's wrap things up.

We have 20 minutes before this room is taken over

by the Massage Table Expo.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

So, Blythe dumped me for a guy

she says is a better spiritual match for her.

Also, he's super rich and can eat corn.

He's taking Calvin to Africa to study animals

in their natural habitat.

I'll miss that little scamp, but you know,

I'm glad you and I are finally communicating.

I love you, son. Anyway, call me back.

- (phone chimes) - Your dad left you another message.

Eh, it's probably just a butt-dial.

Shh!