All language subtitles for The Simpsons - 34x07 - From Beer to Paternity.WEB.HULU.en

♪ ♪

HOMER:
Mmm, gravy.

♪ ♪

Sorry, dear, I burnt the roast.

Again? (sighs)

Relax, Judy. Let Duffman help.

(gulps)

Ah. Forgiven.

- Thank you, Duffman.
- You're welcome, Judy.

Hey, you can do
at least one thing right.

(all laugh)

♪ Can't get enough
of that wonderful Duff. ♪

♪ I'd like to pour
the world a beer ♪

♪ And party heartily ♪

♪ We'd like to make
that beer a Duff ♪

♪ And drink till we can't see ♪

♪ It's the beer thing. ♪

Yikes.

Let's turn this grunge
to fun-ge!

♪ 'Cause I'm wanted ♪

♪ For fun in
the first degree ♪

♪ Wanted. ♪

DUFFMAN:
Ooh, yeah! Ha-ha!

- Those were the days, huh?
- (affirmative murmurs)

Well, those days may have been
the days back then,

but these days, the days
aren't those days anymore.

And, gentlemen,
we can't be either.

(overlapping grumbling)

Go ahead and harrumph,

but Duff needs a new message
and a new messenger,

so get a harrumph of this.

ANNOUNCER (over TV):
Attention, Duff Nation.

We need you to choose
our new mascot

by voting in our first ever

Duff Election.

The candidates are:

Hops and Barley,
lady brewologists

who don't even know
they're pretty.

Woketopus, the most open-minded
mollusk on the block.

Dame Helen Mirren.

I'm sorry, what is this for?

ANNOUNCER: And I guess
we're open to keeping Duffman.

Vote today. Democracy needs you,

and so do we.

This is our moment.
Duffman needs us, and so do we.

They can't get rid of Duffman.

What's next, tear down
the Oregon Trail?

Disintegrate
the Lincoln Memorial?

Impeach Santy Claus?

I got a notebook
full of examples here.

You said it. Duffman was there

when I had my first beer at 13,

and I want him to be there

when I have my last beer at 54.

Why is there a Duffman sticker
on my saxophone case?

My music teacher thinks
I have a problem.

We all have a problem.
Duffman might lose.

Everyone, everyone.
The latest numbers are in.

Aw, man, he's tied for
last place with some loser named

(heavy accent):
"No Mascot; Just Logo."

Oh, no.

Brandon, you're my agent.
Reassure Duffman.

D-Man, chill.
You got this in the bag.

Hold on one second.

Woketopus, my cephalopod
from another mom bod.

You're gonna mop the floor with
that hip-thrusting has-been.

Still me, Brandon.

You have a great day.

Duffman needs to remind people
why they love Duffman.

They love him.

♪ Doo, bow, bow... ♪

Dry T-shirts?

Not on my watch, ladies.

- (women shouting)
- Get out of here!

That was a blatant act
of tortious negligence.

Tortious negligee.

Oh, yeah. Ooh!

- (women shouting)
- (grunting)

(beer sprays)

(women shouting)

Hey, hey!

(electricity buzzes)

(women shouting)

What is happening?

(women shouting, laughing)

Not mine. Not mine. Mine...

No, not mine. Oh!

I do think that this is me.

REPORTER:
Hey, Duffman. Rough week, brah.

Getting your can crushed
in the polls,

and now you're getting sued
by 37 lady lawyers.

Duffman never meant
to hurt or demean

any dames, broads, or chicks.

Two thrusts for gender equality.

- He's not sorry.
- He thinks we're idiots.

Let's denounce him
at the Gal Dive.

No, no, please, please.

I can't be sexist because, because...

I'm... the father of a daughter.

And as the father of a daughter,

I could never, ever
disrespect women.

Uh-uh.

(grunts) It seems like
every famous man

who gets himself in doo-doo

brings up that
he has a daughter,

and I think
that's doo-doo. I do.

(scoffs) Father of a daughter.

That's the lamest defense
in the world,

but these days there's no way
anybody's gonna fall for it.

He's got a daughter?

- How bad can he be?
- What a role model.

- What?
- Oh.

Got a photo
of your little princess?

Sure, sure,
I have a picture of her...

right here.

Wait, that's me.

Lisa is Duffman's daughter?

(gasps) Marge, did you sleep
with Duffman?

- No.
- Why not?

He's lying.

That photo must be from one
of those sleazy beer events

you take the kids to,
even though you say you don't.

Duffman's using me as a prop?

You wish. His prop
is a Duff chick magnet.

There's got to be
some explanation.

The explanation is he's a jerk,
and I hope he loses.

(gasps) Lisa, you wash
your mouth out with beer.

I hope he loses, too.
Beer, please.

Homer, you have to tell Duffman
that he's not allowed to use

our daughter as a "get out
of hot water free" card.

Oh, can't I just talk to him

at the next "Duff
Single Mom Twerk Olympics"?

Now.

I hope this is the right place.

Um, hi. My name
is Homer Simpson.

(sighs) Duffman is off the clock

and does not have time
for randos.

- Thanks a lot. Drink Duff.
- (Lisa grunts)

Hey, are you gonna slam the door

on your own daughter?

Oh, Duffman is busted. Oh, boy.

You're a sexist and a phony.

How can you live with yourself?

All right, all right,
I'm sorry I fibbed.

I panicked. I pulled up a pic

from Dufftoberfest
from a few years ago.

A few years ago
was the best one.

What? Oh. (clears throat)

Lisa's not your Lisa.
She's my Lisa,

so the next time
you're in trouble,

use a picture
of some other guy's kid.

Thanks, Dad.

(crying)

Sorry, I just...

Oh, no. (sobbing)

Are you okay, Mr. Duffman?

I am not. (sighs)

The thing is, I really do have
a daughter, okay?

Her name is Amber.
She's named after

my favorite beverage color,

but now she's 30 years old,
and she won't talk to me.

(sobbing)

Lisa, do you mind waiting
in the car for a moment?

Daddy needs to be strong
for his famous friend.

Of course.

Can I get a selfie of me
with you in your bathrobe?

Gah, your daughter is so bright
and confident.

She is.

So, you must've taught her
so much.

I guess I did.

You must be the greatest
girl dad i-in the world.

I must be!

Maybe it's not too late
for me, huh?

Could you teach me
how to be a better...

you know, girl dad?

- I will!
- Duffman thanks you.

And so do I. Come here.

(laughs)

(phone camera clicks)

(news theme music plays)

(sighs, grumbles)

Come on, Duffman. Don't worry
about losing your job.

We need to focus on how
you lost your daughter.

That's why I've assembled
this crack team

of daughter dads
to help you out.

I think you'll find
they're the finest men around.

Welcome to P. F. Thong's.
You boys ready to order?

I will have the Lettuce D-Cups,
um, with a chicken side piece.

I will have the Wedgie Salad
and the Baby Got Back Ribs.

Oh, and, uh, some Sprung Rolls
for the table.

I don't have much
of an appetite.

(chuckles) See, I, well,
I haven't talked to my daughter

in years, and, um...

Say no more. I'll bring you
a Dead Beet Salad

and a Coke Zero Contact.

So, if your estranged daughter
writes an angry book about you,

don't self-publish
your rebuttal book.

(groans)

Uh, thanks for all
the advice, fellas.

Dad-vice.

(stammers) I-It's just,
I haven't talked to Amber

in over a decade. I-I don't
even know where to begin.

You just got to show her
you still care.

Pick up the damn phone.
Call her.

GROUP:

Call her! Call her! Call her!

I'm on the phone with her now.

GROUP:
Ignore us. Ignore us. Ignore us.

Amber, I was just wondering, um,

could I maybe drive up there
to see you sometime?

Uh, this weekend, maybe?

She said, "I guess."

(others cheer)

No, not... (cheers)

...because what if I screw up?

What if Amber hates me? I...

I need you to come
with me, please.

A road trip with Duffman.
Woo-hoo!

You, me, and Lisa.

Bonet? This trip just keeps
getting better.

No, no, no, your Lisa.

I need both my girl-dad guru

and his dad-girl-daughter
for inspiration.

(both grunt excitedly)

Lisa! Lisa, you're coming
with me and Duffman

on a road trip to Glendon Falls.

What? (yawns)

- Why would I want to do that?
- Hmm.

Marge, why would Lisa want to go
to Glendon Falls

with me and Duffman?

(yawns, grunts)

Well, that's near
the Agatha Christie Museum

of Quirky Detectives.

Lisa likes Agatha Christie?

I love Agatha Christie,

and that museum
is gonna be amazing.

(groans) Ooh! Ah, I can't
believe you remembered.

They're having a special exhibit
this weekend

on her ten reddest herrings.

Thank you.
You're the best dad ever.

Aw, you don't have to thank me.

Do it later in front of Duffman.

Man, I can't believe I'm on
a road trip with my hero.

Wow, your little daughter's
your hero?

That's so sweet.

And that's exactly
who I was referring to.

Oh, hey, we should put on music
that Lisa likes, huh?

Okay, Lisa likes jazz.

That's a thing I know.

Mm, I'm not in the mood
for jazz right now.

Let's listen to
my second favorite.

Salsa? Old-school rap?

Traffic on the twos?

I like K-pop, Dad.

Wh... Oh, uh, of course.
I knew that.

(laughs) It's fun to pretend
that you're clueless.

(chuckles) Beautiful.

♪ We are the lovesick girls ♪

(singing along in Korean)

Oh, yeah!

♪ We are the lovesick girls. ♪

Dad, I don't need you
to do that.

(laughs) They always try
to be older

than they are, don't they?

Oh, man, such good fathering.

Not like... Duffman.

(sobbing)

Would it help to talk
about Amber?

(sighs heavily)

She was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

But then I became Duffman,

and, well,
you know what they say,

"With great pilsner
comes great infidelity."

Her mom left me
when Amber was four.

And by the end of high school,
Amber hated me.

Said she never wanted
to talk to me again,

and I guess I just believed her.

Yes, believe women.

No, she was a kid.
She didn't mean it.

Yes, believe Lisa.

I think about her every day,
and I...

I keep this drawing with me
wherever I go.

Aw, you need to tell her
all of this.

I bet she's been waiting for you
to reach out for years.

Oh, Lisa, you are so sweet

and so wise.

Guh-reat job, Homer!

Homer, Homer!

LISA:
Guess what.

They give you
a real tea set to drop

when you walk in the drawing
room and find a dead body.

(phone rings)

Brandon, what is up?

Seriously, like, uh, what's up?

Not your election numbers,
Duff-bro.

They're dismal.

Look, you're near
the corporate mascot convention

at the Conventions.comventions

convention center.

It'd be a great chance
to drum up some support.

HOMER (over headset):
He'll do it, Brandon.

Duffman cannot lose
this election.

But what about the museum?

There's plenty of time for both.

That's a proud papa pledge.

Hey-ya, Chief,
can I count on you for a...

middle finger, okay.

Ooh, I bet this guy's
a registered Duffocrat.

Uh-oh, he flashed a gun.
My goodness.

Anyone? Anyone want a selfie?

We could use my phone.
I can Air...

Drop it to you.

CONVENTION WORKER:
In five minutes,

join us in Ballroom C
for a panel discussion.

The Charlie Tuna Conundrum...

When the Mascot Is the Product.

Attention, everyone,

Duffman is sitting
all by himself in Hallway B.

Please just go say hi to him.

He really needs this. And, uh,

don't listen to this
if you're him.

(laughs) Oh, my God.

Can I get your autograph...
pen?

I got to get a signature
from the Mucinex loogie.

He is so hot. (laughs)

Losing to a loogie.

(sighs)

Dad, shouldn't we get going?

The museum closes at 5:00.

Don't worry, sweetie,
I'm keeping an eye on the time.

It's only 2:30.

(screams)
That's not a real clock!

That's the mascot
for Tea Time Tamales. (gasps)

Oh, my God, no.

LISA:
Wait! Wait!

No, don't close!

You can't close yet.

Mm, sorry, kid, we're shutting
down for three months

to build a new attraction.

LISA:
Aw, nuts.

You got to stay open.
We drove all this way,

and I'm a second grader
who solves murders

on a sixth-grade level.

Well, look who I brought.

I can unlock a lot of things
for Duffman,

but not this museum.

(growls, screams)

Well, this calls
for some expert dadding.

Lisa, honey,
tell Daddy what's wrong.

This is all your fault.

That's right.

- Let it out.
- Okay,

I am tired of you pretending

that you're some sort of
ideal dad when this whole trip

you've been kissing
Duffman's cans.

See, I knew you
wouldn't have any fun.

That's why I didn't think
you should come. Eh...

Uh-oh.

(gasps) You didn't even want
to bring me.

You were just using me

as some kind of girl-dad prop,

just like Duffman did.

Don't ever

talk to me

again.

She'll get over this, right?

Mine did not.

Oh...

Ready, handsome?

- You're leaving?
- (grunts)

Duffman just realized that you

are not a good dad. Uh-uh.

I'm all yours... Renata.

Fun name.

(rolling R):
Renata.

Oh...

So...

what you reading there?

Come on,
you got to say something.

Something.

Ooh, I can't handle
the silent treatment.

Don't leave me alone
with my brain.

- I remember this one time...
- Eyes on the road!

- (gasps)
- (tires screech)

Oh, Duffman left Amber's drawing
in the car.

It's really a shame about them.

It is. (sighs) He really does
love her, you know.

Maybe, but Duffman should've
spent more time listening

to Amber instead of thinking
only about himself.

Well, maybe sometimes
Duffman's scared to listen

because he'll hear about all
the dumb stuff he screwed up.

Sure, but maybe
he should be brave enough

to admit he's not perfect.

Not even close to perfect.

(groans) Oh...

I think we should
take this to them.

Yeah. I hope they work
things out before it's too late.

Me, too, Dad.
That would be really great.

(tires screech)

Good luck, buddy.
I'm rooting for you.

Thank you, Evan, and good luck

with your MFA. Oh, yeah.

Okay, here we go.
Time to prove to your daughter

that you've changed.

Ah. Damn.

MAN:
A little help, bro?

Dude, it's Duffman.

Join our rager!

Oh, yeah.

I mean, no, no.
Not who I am anymore.

(inhales, exhales)

- (knock on door)
- Okay. (sighs)

(breathes deeply)

I can't believe you're here

because I don't know you,
and I did not invite you.

Oh, what an odd thing to say.

Hi, I'm Homer, and this is Lisa.

We have something
to give to your dad.

Yeah, well, I can't help you.

(sighs) He never showed.

(gasps) I don't get it.

If I know Duffman,
and I briefly did,

nothing was more important
to him than seeing you.

He was so excited.

Really? As excited as he was
to miss every dance recital,

every graduation,
every art show?

No. More.

Your dad taught me
the importance

of not taking my daughter's
love for granted.

Duffman's really changed.

Trust me, when you see him next,

you'll be amazed
at how enlightened

and sensitive he's become.

DUFFMAN:
Chicken fight!

♪ Doo, bow, bow... ♪

Come on, friend!

- (laughs)
- What the crap?

No, Amber, I was just about
to knock on your door.

You have to believe me.

It's true.
This whole chicken fight,

it felt like
he was somewhere else.

I'm sorry, Colleen, but if this
teaches you anything,

it's that you should work on
your relationship with your dad.

(scoffs) I have a great
relationship with my dad.

I just also like bikinis
and parties, you jerk.

Duffman respects your journey.

Amber? Amber!

Amber!

Ah, Amber...

Hey, uh, pal...
Whoa, that's Duffman!

Amber, look out!

(gasps)

You saved me...

Dad.

So, the chick magnet
is also a daughter magnet,

I get it now.

All chicks
are somebody's daughter.

- No. Uh-uh.
- Yeah, try again.

Some chicks are guys,
and that's okay.

Mm... Mm-mm.

- Hmm.
- It-It's okay, Dad.

B-Baby steps, I guess.

(loud whisper):
Give her this now.

No way. I haven't
seen this in ages.

I look at it every single day.

I miss you so much, and
I should've been there for you.

(scoffs) Dad, I'm so glad
you're back in my life,

- and I really hope that...
- (phone rings)

Ugh, seriously?

Duffman, amazing news.

- You won the election.
- Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Some kid posted video
of you singing K-pop,

and their fan army voted
for you en freakin' masse.

I need you on
the next plane to Korea.

Kim Jong-un wants to kidnap you
and make a movie together.

Oh, yeah!

(Amber groans)

Aw, you know what?
I think I have had enough

of that wonderful Duff.

What? You'll never work in
the adult beverage game again.

No beer, no hard seltzer,
no kombucha.

Duff Nation, Duffman is here

to get you wrecked
in a whole new way as...

Puffman.

Come check out my daughter's
brand-new weed store

featuring her custom-made,
one of a kind,

glass bongs.

(inhales)

Oh, yeah. If any of my other
estranged daughters

are watching, hit me up.

Wait, your what?

DUFFMAN:
I mean... Oh, yeah!

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Your tea service,
Lord Thistlewink. (screams)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Shh!