Original subtitles

♪ ♪

HOMER: Mmm, gravy.

♪ ♪

Sorry, dear, I burnt the roast.

Again? (sighs)

Relax, Judy. Let Duffman help.

(gulps)

Ah. Forgiven.

- Thank you, Duffman. - You're welcome, Judy.

Hey, you can do at least one thing right.

(all laugh)

♪ Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff. ♪

♪ I'd like to pour the world a beer ♪

♪ And party heartily ♪

♪ We'd like to make that beer a Duff ♪

♪ And drink till we can't see ♪

♪ It's the beer thing. ♪

Yikes.

Let's turn this grunge to fun-ge!

♪ 'Cause I'm wanted ♪

♪ For fun in the first degree ♪

♪ Wanted. ♪

DUFFMAN: Ooh, yeah! Ha-ha!

- Those were the days, huh? - (affirmative murmurs)

Well, those days may have been the days back then,

but these days, the days aren't those days anymore.

And, gentlemen, we can't be either.

(overlapping grumbling)

Go ahead and harrumph,

but Duff needs a new message and a new messenger,

so get a harrumph of this.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): Attention, Duff Nation.

We need you to choose our new mascot

by voting in our first ever

Duff Election.

The candidates are:

Hops and Barley, lady brewologists

who don't even know they're pretty.

Woketopus, the most open-minded mollusk on the block.

Dame Helen Mirren.

I'm sorry, what is this for?

ANNOUNCER: And I guess we're open to keeping Duffman.

Vote today. Democracy needs you,

and so do we.

This is our moment. Duffman needs us, and so do we.

They can't get rid of Duffman.

What's next, tear down the Oregon Trail?

Disintegrate the Lincoln Memorial?

Impeach Santy Claus?

I got a notebook full of examples here.

You said it. Duffman was there

when I had my first beer at 13,

and I want him to be there

when I have my last beer at 54.

Why is there a Duffman sticker on my saxophone case?

My music teacher thinks I have a problem.

We all have a problem. Duffman might lose.

Everyone, everyone. The latest numbers are in.

Aw, man, he's tied for last place with some loser named

(heavy accent): "No Mascot; Just Logo."

Oh, no.

Brandon, you're my agent. Reassure Duffman.

D-Man, chill. You got this in the bag.

Hold on one second.

Woketopus, my cephalopod from another mom bod.

You're gonna mop the floor with that hip-thrusting has-been.

Still me, Brandon.

You have a great day.

Duffman needs to remind people why they love Duffman.

They love him.

♪ Doo, bow, bow... ♪

Dry T-shirts?

Not on my watch, ladies.

- (women shouting) - Get out of here!

That was a blatant act of tortious negligence.

Tortious negligee.

Oh, yeah. Ooh!

- (women shouting) - (grunting)

(beer sprays)

(women shouting)

Hey, hey!

(electricity buzzes)

(women shouting)

What is happening?

(women shouting, laughing)

Not mine. Not mine. Mine...

No, not mine. Oh!

I do think that this is me.

REPORTER: Hey, Duffman. Rough week, brah.

Getting your can crushed in the polls,

and now you're getting sued by 37 lady lawyers.

Duffman never meant to hurt or demean

any dames, broads, or chicks.

Two thrusts for gender equality.

- He's not sorry. - He thinks we're idiots.

Let's denounce him at the Gal Dive.

No, no, please, please.

I can't be sexist because, because...

I'm... the father of a daughter.

And as the father of a daughter,

I could never, ever disrespect women.

Uh-uh.

(grunts) It seems like every famous man

who gets himself in doo-doo

brings up that he has a daughter,

and I think that's doo-doo. I do.

(scoffs) Father of a daughter.

That's the lamest defense in the world,

but these days there's no way anybody's gonna fall for it.

He's got a daughter?

- How bad can he be? - What a role model.

- What? - Oh.

Got a photo of your little princess?

Sure, sure, I have a picture of her...

right here.

Wait, that's me.

Lisa is Duffman's daughter?

(gasps) Marge, did you sleep with Duffman?

- No. - Why not?

He's lying.

That photo must be from one of those sleazy beer events

you take the kids to, even though you say you don't.

Duffman's using me as a prop?

You wish. His prop is a Duff chick magnet.

There's got to be some explanation.

The explanation is he's a jerk, and I hope he loses.

(gasps) Lisa, you wash your mouth out with beer.

I hope he loses, too. Beer, please.

Homer, you have to tell Duffman that he's not allowed to use

our daughter as a "get out of hot water free" card.

Oh, can't I just talk to him

at the next "Duff Single Mom Twerk Olympics"?

Now.

I hope this is the right place.

Um, hi. My name is Homer Simpson.

(sighs) Duffman is off the clock

and does not have time for randos.

- Thanks a lot. Drink Duff. - (Lisa grunts)

Hey, are you gonna slam the door

on your own daughter?

Oh, Duffman is busted. Oh, boy.

You're a sexist and a phony.

How can you live with yourself?

All right, all right, I'm sorry I fibbed.

I panicked. I pulled up a pic

from Dufftoberfest from a few years ago.

A few years ago was the best one.

What? Oh. (clears throat)

Lisa's not your Lisa. She's my Lisa,

so the next time you're in trouble,

use a picture of some other guy's kid.

Thanks, Dad.

(crying)

Sorry, I just...

Oh, no. (sobbing)

Are you okay, Mr. Duffman?

I am not. (sighs)

The thing is, I really do have a daughter, okay?

Her name is Amber. She's named after

my favorite beverage color,

but now she's 30 years old, and she won't talk to me.

(sobbing)

Lisa, do you mind waiting in the car for a moment?

Daddy needs to be strong for his famous friend.

Of course.

Can I get a selfie of me with you in your bathrobe?

Gah, your daughter is so bright and confident.

She is.

So, you must've taught her so much.

I guess I did.

You must be the greatest girl dad i-in the world.

I must be!

Maybe it's not too late for me, huh?

Could you teach me how to be a better...

you know, girl dad?

- I will! - Duffman thanks you.

And so do I. Come here.

(laughs)

(phone camera clicks)

(news theme music plays)

(sighs, grumbles)

Come on, Duffman. Don't worry about losing your job.

We need to focus on how you lost your daughter.

That's why I've assembled this crack team

of daughter dads to help you out.

I think you'll find they're the finest men around.

Welcome to P. F. Thong's. You boys ready to order?

I will have the Lettuce D-Cups, um, with a chicken side piece.

I will have the Wedgie Salad and the Baby Got Back Ribs.

Oh, and, uh, some Sprung Rolls for the table.

I don't have much of an appetite.

(chuckles) See, I, well, I haven't talked to my daughter

in years, and, um...

Say no more. I'll bring you a Dead Beet Salad

and a Coke Zero Contact.

So, if your estranged daughter writes an angry book about you,

don't self-publish your rebuttal book.

(groans)

Uh, thanks for all the advice, fellas.

Dad-vice.

(stammers) I-It's just, I haven't talked to Amber

in over a decade. I-I don't even know where to begin.

You just got to show her you still care.

Pick up the damn phone. Call her.

GROUP:

Call her! Call her! Call her!

I'm on the phone with her now.

GROUP: Ignore us. Ignore us. Ignore us.

Amber, I was just wondering, um,

could I maybe drive up there to see you sometime?

Uh, this weekend, maybe?

She said, "I guess."

(others cheer)

No, not... (cheers)

...because what if I screw up?

What if Amber hates me? I...

I need you to come with me, please.

A road trip with Duffman. Woo-hoo!

You, me, and Lisa.

Bonet? This trip just keeps getting better.

No, no, no, your Lisa.

I need both my girl-dad guru

and his dad-girl-daughter for inspiration.

(both grunt excitedly)

Lisa! Lisa, you're coming with me and Duffman

on a road trip to Glendon Falls.

What? (yawns)

- Why would I want to do that? - Hmm.

Marge, why would Lisa want to go to Glendon Falls

with me and Duffman?

(yawns, grunts)

Well, that's near the Agatha Christie Museum

of Quirky Detectives.

Lisa likes Agatha Christie?

I love Agatha Christie,

and that museum is gonna be amazing.

(groans) Ooh! Ah, I can't believe you remembered.

They're having a special exhibit this weekend

on her ten reddest herrings.

Thank you. You're the best dad ever.

Aw, you don't have to thank me.

Do it later in front of Duffman.

Man, I can't believe I'm on a road trip with my hero.

Wow, your little daughter's your hero?

That's so sweet.

And that's exactly who I was referring to.

Oh, hey, we should put on music that Lisa likes, huh?

Okay, Lisa likes jazz.

That's a thing I know.

Mm, I'm not in the mood for jazz right now.

Let's listen to my second favorite.

Salsa? Old-school rap?

Traffic on the twos?

I like K-pop, Dad.

Wh... Oh, uh, of course. I knew that.

(laughs) It's fun to pretend that you're clueless.

(chuckles) Beautiful.

♪ We are the lovesick girls ♪

(singing along in Korean)

Oh, yeah!

♪ We are the lovesick girls. ♪

Dad, I don't need you to do that.

(laughs) They always try to be older

than they are, don't they?

Oh, man, such good fathering.

Not like... Duffman.

(sobbing)

Would it help to talk about Amber?

(sighs heavily)

She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But then I became Duffman,

and, well, you know what they say,

"With great pilsner comes great infidelity."

Her mom left me when Amber was four.

And by the end of high school, Amber hated me.

Said she never wanted to talk to me again,

and I guess I just believed her.

Yes, believe women.

No, she was a kid. She didn't mean it.

Yes, believe Lisa.

I think about her every day, and I...

I keep this drawing with me wherever I go.

Aw, you need to tell her all of this.

I bet she's been waiting for you to reach out for years.

Oh, Lisa, you are so sweet

and so wise.

Guh-reat job, Homer!

Homer, Homer!

LISA: Guess what.

They give you a real tea set to drop

when you walk in the drawing room and find a dead body.

(phone rings)

Brandon, what is up?

Seriously, like, uh, what's up?

Not your election numbers, Duff-bro.

They're dismal.

Look, you're near the corporate mascot convention

at the Conventions.comventions

convention center.

It'd be a great chance to drum up some support.

HOMER (over headset): He'll do it, Brandon.

Duffman cannot lose this election.

But what about the museum?

There's plenty of time for both.

That's a proud papa pledge.

Hey-ya, Chief, can I count on you for a...

middle finger, okay.

Ooh, I bet this guy's a registered Duffocrat.

Uh-oh, he flashed a gun. My goodness.

Anyone? Anyone want a selfie?

We could use my phone. I can Air...

Drop it to you.

CONVENTION WORKER: In five minutes,

join us in Ballroom C for a panel discussion.

The Charlie Tuna Conundrum...

When the Mascot Is the Product.

Attention, everyone,

Duffman is sitting all by himself in Hallway B.

Please just go say hi to him.

He really needs this. And, uh,

don't listen to this if you're him.

(laughs) Oh, my God.

Can I get your autograph... pen?

I got to get a signature from the Mucinex loogie.

He is so hot. (laughs)

Losing to a loogie.

(sighs)

Dad, shouldn't we get going?

The museum closes at 5:00.

Don't worry, sweetie, I'm keeping an eye on the time.

It's only 2:30.

(screams) That's not a real clock!

That's the mascot for Tea Time Tamales. (gasps)

Oh, my God, no.

LISA: Wait! Wait!

No, don't close!

You can't close yet.

Mm, sorry, kid, we're shutting down for three months

to build a new attraction.

LISA: Aw, nuts.

You got to stay open. We drove all this way,

and I'm a second grader who solves murders

on a sixth-grade level.

Well, look who I brought.

I can unlock a lot of things for Duffman,

but not this museum.

(growls, screams)

Well, this calls for some expert dadding.

Lisa, honey, tell Daddy what's wrong.

This is all your fault.

That's right.

- Let it out. - Okay,

I am tired of you pretending

that you're some sort of ideal dad when this whole trip

you've been kissing Duffman's cans.

See, I knew you wouldn't have any fun.

That's why I didn't think you should come. Eh...

Uh-oh.

(gasps) You didn't even want to bring me.

You were just using me

as some kind of girl-dad prop,

just like Duffman did.

Don't ever

talk to me

again.

She'll get over this, right?

Mine did not.

Oh...

Ready, handsome?

- You're leaving? - (grunts)

Duffman just realized that you

are not a good dad. Uh-uh.

I'm all yours... Renata.

Fun name.

(rolling R): Renata.

Oh...

So...

what you reading there?

Come on, you got to say something.

Something.

Ooh, I can't handle the silent treatment.

Don't leave me alone with my brain.

- I remember this one time... - Eyes on the road!

- (gasps) - (tires screech)

Oh, Duffman left Amber's drawing in the car.

It's really a shame about them.

It is. (sighs) He really does love her, you know.

Maybe, but Duffman should've spent more time listening

to Amber instead of thinking only about himself.

Well, maybe sometimes Duffman's scared to listen

because he'll hear about all the dumb stuff he screwed up.

Sure, but maybe he should be brave enough

to admit he's not perfect.

Not even close to perfect.

(groans) Oh...

I think we should take this to them.

Yeah. I hope they work things out before it's too late.

Me, too, Dad. That would be really great.

(tires screech)

Good luck, buddy. I'm rooting for you.

Thank you, Evan, and good luck

with your MFA. Oh, yeah.

Okay, here we go. Time to prove to your daughter

that you've changed.

Ah. Damn.

MAN: A little help, bro?

Dude, it's Duffman.

Join our rager!

Oh, yeah.

I mean, no, no. Not who I am anymore.

(inhales, exhales)

- (knock on door) - Okay. (sighs)

(breathes deeply)

I can't believe you're here

because I don't know you, and I did not invite you.

Oh, what an odd thing to say.

Hi, I'm Homer, and this is Lisa.

We have something to give to your dad.

Yeah, well, I can't help you.

(sighs) He never showed.

(gasps) I don't get it.

If I know Duffman, and I briefly did,

nothing was more important to him than seeing you.

He was so excited.

Really? As excited as he was to miss every dance recital,

every graduation, every art show?

No. More.

Your dad taught me the importance

of not taking my daughter's love for granted.

Duffman's really changed.

Trust me, when you see him next,

you'll be amazed at how enlightened

and sensitive he's become.

DUFFMAN: Chicken fight!

♪ Doo, bow, bow... ♪

Come on, friend!

- (laughs) - What the crap?

No, Amber, I was just about to knock on your door.

You have to believe me.

It's true. This whole chicken fight,

it felt like he was somewhere else.

I'm sorry, Colleen, but if this teaches you anything,

it's that you should work on your relationship with your dad.

(scoffs) I have a great relationship with my dad.

I just also like bikinis and parties, you jerk.

Duffman respects your journey.

Amber? Amber!

Amber!

Ah, Amber...

Hey, uh, pal... Whoa, that's Duffman!

Amber, look out!

(gasps)

You saved me...

Dad.

So, the chick magnet is also a daughter magnet,

I get it now.

All chicks are somebody's daughter.

- No. Uh-uh. - Yeah, try again.

Some chicks are guys, and that's okay.

Mm... Mm-mm.

- Hmm. - It-It's okay, Dad.

B-Baby steps, I guess.

(loud whisper): Give her this now.

No way. I haven't seen this in ages.

I look at it every single day.

I miss you so much, and I should've been there for you.

(scoffs) Dad, I'm so glad you're back in my life,

- and I really hope that... - (phone rings)

Ugh, seriously?

Duffman, amazing news.

- You won the election. - Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Some kid posted video of you singing K-pop,

and their fan army voted for you en freakin' masse.

I need you on the next plane to Korea.

Kim Jong-un wants to kidnap you and make a movie together.

Oh, yeah!

(Amber groans)

Aw, you know what? I think I have had enough

of that wonderful Duff.

What? You'll never work in the adult beverage game again.

No beer, no hard seltzer, no kombucha.

Duff Nation, Duffman is here

to get you wrecked in a whole new way as...

Puffman.

Come check out my daughter's brand-new weed store

featuring her custom-made, one of a kind,

glass bongs.

(inhales)

Oh, yeah. If any of my other estranged daughters

are watching, hit me up.

Wait, your what?

DUFFMAN: I mean... Oh, yeah!

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Your tea service, Lord Thistlewink. (screams)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Shh!