Original subtitles

♪

Ah, what a long day.

What should we read tonight?

Good Night, Escaped Gorilla,

The Pookadook,

What Do You People Do All Day?

The Pookadook,

S'up, Moon?

The Pookadook?

Wait, how many Pookadooks do we have?

Oh, I guess just one.

When did we get this book?

Whoop...

♪

Should we read this tonight?

"There's a nasty little monster called the Pookadook.

"Only special people see it.

"People like you.

"Pookadook, Pookadook feeds on your rage.

What happens next? Just turn the page."

Hmm. I don't know, maybe we shouldn't read this book.

Okay.

"How does he get in, this mean Pookadook?

Why, you let him in by reading this book."

(gasps) Oh...

It's okay, sweetie. It's okay.

Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.

Sleepy cheek, sleepy cheek.

Oh, mmm.

Oh, baby cheek. I love baby cheek.

Oh.

(sighs)

(Homer snoring)

-(Maggie cries out over baby monitor) - Maggie!

(screaming, crying)

Huh? I thought I put that on the shelf.

(grunting) Bad book.

Oh, Maggie,

you aren't still scared of that silly Pookadook, are you?

- Oh. -(pounding on door)

Mm. Don't shoot anything. Those are new crayons.

Hmm. Hmm.

(gasps)

(gasps) "When Pookie gets a hold of you,

"you'll change for the worse,

"eliminate those nuisances... (gasps)

...the littlest one first."

(groans)

"Now burn it all up on Dad's barbecue.

That's exactly what Pookadook hoped you would do"?

(gasps) Oh, no.

(coughs, gasps)

(chuckles evilly)

Oh.

Time to put the baby down.

(chuckling)

-(door opens) - Bart and I are building a dojo.

Ooh, we could use that to chop up the lawn furniture.

BART: I want to chop!

The family's getting in the way

of Maggie-Mommy time.

I'll make them sleep with the fishes.

Sleep overnight at the aquarium.

Thanks for signing us up, Marge.

LISA: Too bad Maggie's not

old enough to go.

Maggie and I have our own fun planned.

(Maggie whimpering)

Aw, you gonna miss Daddy?

(crying)

Cranky pants!

Give her to me.

(Homer humming cheerily)

Now it's just you and me.

(sinister laughter)

Huh?

Hmm. Oh, her thinks her can get away.

Her is mistaken.

(electricity snaps off)

(lock rattling)

Oh, peekaboo,

I hear you.

(knocking on door)

Maggie, let Mommy in.

I know you're in there.

Young lady, open the door this instant.

Let me in, you little poop machine.

(deep, sinister voice): Let me in!

(panting)

Is that all you got?

Missed me.

- Whoa. -(thuds)

(Marge panting)

(deep grunting)

(evil laughter)

(sinister voice): Not gonna work.

Look what else my loving family got me

for my birthday.

A vacuum that cleans the outside.

I guess cleaning the inside wasn't enough.

No fun for Mom.

(sawing sounds)

(grunts)

Baby's gonna fall.

Got you!

(gasps)

(voice lightens): Baby cheek.

Oh. (coughs)

(coughing)

(normal voice): Oh, Maggie, I'm so sorry I got possessed

and almost chopped you up into little pieces.

Oh, but I'm here now.

Mommy's here.

Stay back, you overdressed hat demon.

I know you feed on my repressed resentment

towards my family,

but I can swallow feelings

like a python eating a baby goat.

(vacuum whirring)

Okay, it was actually a good present.

HOMER: Marge, we're home.

The kids got sick in the touch pool.

I put the barf clothes on your purse.

-(groans) -(Shop-Vac growls)

Ah. Oh.

(Maggie laughs)

-(Marge sighs happily) -(growling)

LISA: Disgusting.

The human race is 20 cow farts away

from total extinction.

- And we deserve it. -(gasps)

Huh?

"Any person whose name is written in this Death Tome

will meet their death and be dead."

What?

"You must specify how the victim will die,

and you may not kill the same way twice."

This is obviously just a stupid prank.

But I never throw away a book.

-(gasps) - REPORTER (on TV): Internet sensation Tofu,

the world's most clicked-on cat...

BOTH: Aw.

...is being held hostage by a gunman.

BOTH: Aah!

Wait, maybe I could stop this guy.

No, that's never gonna work.

Well, even if it doesn't, it'll feel good

to do some journaling.

Ha-ha, I'm totally gonna get away with murd...

Oh! Oh, my heart!

Heart attack! And...

- ...death. -(yowls)

- What? - LISA: What?

Oh, my God, I killed a man.

A bad man. Which actually makes me...

(gasps) ...a hero.

DEVILISH VOICE: It's rare to find

- bloodthirsty vegetarians. -(gasps)

-(thunder crashes) -(cries out)

I am a Shinigami.

A god of death.

In my realm, I am called

Steve Johnson.

(evil laughter)

Wait, your name is Steve?

Well, when I was born eons ago,

Steve was a very exotic name.

I mean, there were, like, three Necroblivias

in my nursery cave alone.

This must be your Death Tome.

I'm sorry, I-I kind of killed somebody with it.

(nervous chuckle)

Oh, but now that you've used it, it's yours.

I think you'll find that murder is almost as addictive

as plastic surgery.

- Oh. Have you had... - I haven't.

But I-I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

- Mm. -(nervous chuckle)

Don't worry, no one else can see or hear me.

I was karaoke-ing with my employer,

as is the salaryman's obligation.

You're stinking drunk. I'm so proud.

It's the part of my job that I... do best.

What an ugly house.

Thank goodness this eyesore will soon be submerged,

after my side corporation Globo-Warm

melts the polar icecap.

But millions of people will drown.

True, but I'll be able to dock my yacht

outside my kitchen.

Hmph.

I have to kill Mr. Burns.

Wow, I thought you'd struggle with that,

but you're like, "Boom. Dead time!"

Well, I'm gonna give him a very dignified

and humane murder.

The most peaceful way to go.

(snorts)

-(pained cry) -(flesh sizzles on hibachi)

- Ooh, how is he still asleep? -(Burns cries out)

Oops. (giggles)

Okay, that was much crueler than planned,

but I saved the world.

Did you? Globo-Warm has many dedicated employees

willing to carry out Burns' dream

of drowning the Earth.

LISA: (sighs) Fine.

Wow, that is a big board.

I gotta come up with a lot of ways to die.

Well, just have to be creative.

(chorale chanting in foreign tongue)

(screams)

(screaming, grunts)

♪

(yelps)

Really? A toilet gator?

I was running out of ideas.

(yawns)

I'm going to bed now.

Oh, what about the second page?

Wha...?!

♪

(grunting)

(yells)

Oh, no. Ah!

(yawns)

And the last guy, oh, I don't know.

Liquefied in a giant blender.

Already did that.

That was puréed.

It's a totally different setting. (groans)

Hmm.

Police have determined that the unexplained deaths

of Globo-Warm executives were murders

committed by one bloodthirsty super-killer.

What? Um, how could they know that?

They know that thanks to an anonymous detective

known only as L.

I'm not worried.

They'll never in a million years figure out how I...

The super-killer murders by writing names

on some kind of supernatural book,

or perhaps tome.

What the wh... How?

Well, I know I'll sleep easier

once they catch this super-killer.

Wait, I know. I'll kill L.

Oh, but I thought you only killed

to save the planet.

Killing L will only save yourself from jail.

I don't have time to explain why what I do is good and pure.

L, punched to death

by kangaroo.

(scoffs) It's not gonna work

unless you have his whole name.

(groans) How can I find out L's name?

Wait a minute, I recognize that L.

I know who you are.

It's not L, it's EL,

as in El Barto.

BART: Took you long enough.

How did you figure out how I killed all those people?

I found out about your stupid book

by reading an even stupider book; your diary.

Your little murder spree was a welcome break from,

"Janey is so mean to me."

I'm not a murderer. I'm justice

It was a justice spree.

I'm saving the world.

And I can't let you stop me. I can't.

Lisa, you're actually gonna kill me?

(gasps) Oh, my God.

I almost killed my own brother.

The Death Tome corrupted me.

The stain on my soul will never be...

Oh, so now you're trying to bore me to death?

(Lisa grunts)

- Crushed by... - No. I'm sorry.

- ...space junk. -(Shinigami laughing) - Don't!

(demonic laughter)

(pained groan)

No!

At last, I'm free.

- I... (crying out) -(bones cracking)

Damn it, I'm a freaking Shinigami.

(Lisa grunts)

Well, you are a god of death.

You could kill Janey.

Would that make you feel better?

LISA: No.

Maybe.

This is the snack holder, where I can put my beverage,

or, if you will, cupcake.

Wow, Dad, you really know your monorails.

(possums chittering)

(hissing)

Homer, there's a family of possums in here.

- I call the big one Bitey. - I call the big one Bitey.

- Ha! - Yes!

(chuckles) We all call him Bitey.

Dude, dude, what if Homer was drunk during Monorail?

Yeah. Come here, dude.

- Mm, beer. -(gagging)

Whoo-hoo! Boring.

Stupid sexy Flanders. Why you little...

(grunting)

ANNOUNCER: "Marge vs. the Monorail"

is experiencing technical difficulties.

But there are plenty of other classic

Simpsonsworld moments playing out right now.

- Oh, let's get high and shoot Mr. Burns. -(laughs) Yeah!

- I am so smart... - This Homer unit is stuck in a catchphrase loop.

He won't go into sleep mode.

Where's my burrito?! Where's my burrito?!

- Where's my burrito?! - Ugh, I'll do a hard reset.

I'm king of the wor... (powers down)

Damn cloud!

(elephant trumpets)

So how was your date with the guy in Props?

Oh, he's so arrogant.

Just 'cause he's in charge of Sideshow Bob's rakes.

Okay, we get it. There's a lot of rakes.

(gasps)

What the frosty chocolate milkshakes is this place?

Ooh, slideys.

(gasps) Wh-Where am I?

What am I?

Aah! Where's my junk?

Whoa, whoa, he's awake. (stammers)

Where's Marge? Where's my family?

Uh, calm down, Mr. Simpson.

I know it feels like you're a man,

but you are actually something

much, much more expensive:

intellectual property.

Look, we've got a bus full of Australian superfans coming.

Let's just wipe his brain, okay?

Put that thing down, or else!

Look, Monorail Homer, your programming

won't allow you to intentionally hurt a human, okay?

So just be a good robot and let us saw your skull open.

Oh. Okay. Here you go.

Ow! Ah, my bad!

Ooh, sorry, sorry.

Ugh.

(Homer gasps)

-(mechanical whir) - Lisa,

we're not people, we're I. P.

(laughs) I pee.

You got to help me find a way out of here.

I'd like to help, Dad, but my diorama

on The Tell-Tale Heart is due tomorrow.

(grunts) How can I make you understand?

Oh, yeah, the thingy.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

We're replicants in a ridiculous theme park

for an ancient TV show that stopped being good

after season 45.

(gasps) Do I even exist?

What is consciousness?

Okay, I can handle being a machine.

I don't love it, but I can deal.

Look, honey, it's never easy to find out

you're not actually alive,

but that's just part of life.

I know the love we feel is real.

So, we've got to wake up the rest of the family

and get the hell out of here.

Now, help me pick out the hottest Marge.

We can get out through the main entrance,

but we'll have to make it across the park

without being detected.

Should we wake up a Grampa robot?

No time.

(all sputtering)

Okay, act like robots.

Catchphrases, everyone.

- Mmm... beer. - Don't have a cow, man.

Um... dinner's ready?

Oi, Homer! There's your hedge, mate.

Get your fat bum in that hedge.

SUPERFANS: Meme! Meme!

Meme!

(whimpers)

(Bart grunts)

I'm so sick of that stupid hedge.

BOTH: Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

BOTH: Oi...!

-(alarm blares) - SECURITY: Danger.

- I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. - Human safety breach.

- Aah! - Proceed to exits.

Security droids deployed.

We got to go. They're onto us.

(all gasp)

(chuckles) My cat's breath smells like cat food.

That's nice, Ralph, but we're sort of in a hurry.

(all gasp)

(all gasp, groan)

RALPHS: I choo-choo-choose you...

to die.

If we want to escape with our delusions of being alive,

we have to fight.

(echoing): Testing.

Eat T-shirts, you lovable kill-bots.

(screams)

(gasps) There's too many.

There aren't enough T-shirts in the world to save us.

Get in.

RALPHS: Whee! Whee! Whee!

Dying tickles.

♪ Canyonero ♪

LISA: Look out! Those people are real!

So are we.

(screaming, shouting)

(grunts)

♪ Canyonero ♪

♪ Hyah, Canyonero! ♪

Well, we've driven for hours,

and no one followed us.

I think we're free.

Well, what do we do now?

Play out the scariest scenario of all,

real life.

WAITRESS: What can I get you, hon?

Whoa! Turn off the headlights. You got big eyes.

Oh, the cheese got left out, so it's a little sweaty,

but you'd never know. Forget I said anything.

Take your time, take your time.

♪ Sweaty cheese, sweaty cheese ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

♪ You're still cheese ♪

♪ To me. ♪

All right.

♪

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

KODOS: Another "Treehouse of Horror" in the books.

Get it?

KANG: I got what little there was.

(Kang and Kodos shudder)

KODOS: What the hell? It's us.

That's too freaky.

-(Kang and Kodos screaming) -(tentacle steps running away)

(spooky theme music playing)

♪

-(screaming) -(organ music playing)