Original subtitles

♪

(crows cawing)

Krusty, bubbeleh, take it easy, this is a great booking.

Don't bubbeleh me, boychik.

Entertaining the kids at Kelly Clarkson's housewarming.

It's not my fault you lost all your money on NFTs...

non-funny TV shows.

Now get to work, you're behind on your Cameos.

(groans)

Hey, hey, Jacob!

Your dad's super-sad he couldn't make it to your bar mitzvah.

It's a real shonda.

Also, all the best from Dad's new wife, Shonda.

(laughing)

Oh...

Thank you so much for doing this, Krusty.

Kelly really appreciates it.

And the children are all huge fans. Right, kids?

- Mm-hmm. - Totally. - Yeah, we love you, Crisco.

(groans)

Oh, what's that Kelly Clarkson got that I don't?

We all won singing contests 20 years ago.

Oh, where's my infinity toilet?

Oh, that toilet isn't from American Idol money.

You're looking at daytime-syndicated

talk show wealth.

See those mega mansions?

Well, they belong to the superstars of daytime TV:

- Rachael Ray, Wendy Williams, - Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

- and that jerk Doctor Phil. -(groans)

All bought and paid for with syndicated megabucks.

I see something in you, Krusty.

Oh, I was gonna put it back.

You have daytime chops.

There's always a place on TV for a Regis...

a cranky but lovable, sexless grandpa.

Yeah, and what makes you the expert?

(exclaims)

Here's the real test. Get that mom squad dancing.

Daytime audiences love to dance.

Forget it, lady. I still got my dignity.

-(phone chimes) - Hey, wait.

Mm...

Hey, hey, Bryson!

Your mom wanted me to congratulate you on...

getting your braces tightened.

Make up a rap about it?

(groans) Look, fine, I'll dance.

(grumbles)

♪ Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur ♪

♪ With the fur ♪

♪ The whole club was lookin' at her ♪

-♪ She hit the floor ♪ -♪ She hit the floor ♪

-(women whooping) -♪ Next thing you know ♪

♪ Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low ♪

♪ Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps. ♪

-(Bart and Lisa laughing) -(Santa's Little Helper barking)

What's taking so long?

All this food I can't eat is taunting me.

I read that grain-free is supposed to be good.

Or was it grain-full?

Mom, can we get a gecko?

I want a guinea pig.

How about both in one cage, and see what happens?

- No, no, no. - Yeah, please, mom?

- Please, come on, a gecko and a guinea pig. - No! Why would we...

(sighs)

Marge, honestly, is this how you pictured your life?

I think not.

Yes, I lick my behind. Big surprise.

Excuse me, would you like to come participate

in a focus group?

Yes, anything but this.

(scoffs) Just pick a food.

Oh...

We want to know what you want in your daytime programming.

There are no wrong answers and no bad ideas.

In that case, recipes.

Sure.

Air-fryer recipes.

(groans)

Celebrities come on the show?

Well, yes, obviously, but...

Put it on the board, then.

Uh, I was thinking...

- Something with vacuums. -(groans)

(both exclaiming)

Shiny coat or liver support?

Why are they doing this to us?

- Hats? - What about hats, Helen?

Maybe...

babies wearing hats?

And it's a whole baby hat fashion show?

- Exactly. Exactly. - Oh, yeah, there you go. - Ooh.

That's not bad.

And you know how there are just too many

dog food options these days?

What if you brought out Instagram dogs

and had them do a taste test?

Wow! Well, that's really good.

What other ideas do you have?

Candle unboxing and sniffing.

Celebrities read nice tweets about other celebrities.

Unexpected jack-o'-lanterns.

Funny bed-making fails.

And...

tweens explain TikToks to carpool moms.

Eh?

You're a natural. You've got nice ideas

coming out the wazoo.

You know, I'm in the market for a new segment producer.

You are?

Will you excuse me for a second?

Jerry, you're fired.

I'm... I'm free.

Segment producer?

I don't know. I-I should probably

talk it over with my family. (gasps)

I'll take the job.

Be warned, segment producer.

No one makes it out of these shows unchanged.

Oh, well, then it's a good thing I'm not much of a changer.

You can keep your job or you can keep your soul,

but you can't keep both.

Also, when you turn in your receipts,

break them down between dining and mileage

or you'll await the reimbursements...

forever!

So this is behind the scenes of a TV show.

So much hustle.

And bustle.

Mm... mm.

This is your desk.

And this is where you can pin all your genius segment ideas.

With five shows a week, it's very important

that you always be thinking up segments.

A daytime talk show without

fun and interesting segments is like a...

You, finish my metaphor.

Uh, um...

Get me a baked potato

so I can throw it at your head.

- Now! -(exclaims, whimpers)

Okay, I'll leave you to it.

(humming a tune)

Oh, I-I don't need to order lunch.

My kids packed mine as a special treat for my first day.

Aw.

Hmm. Maybe I will take a look at that menu.

Can I order you something, um... What-what's your name?

Uh, to make it simpler for the producers,

we're-we're all named Jordan.

I should've ordered some salad

to go with my salad toppings. (chuckles)

Mm.

Oh.

(laughing)

What the hell is this?

You people didn't write me any jokes.

You don't need jokes. The women in our audience

are just happy to be out of the house.

They want to dance to clean versions of Pitbull songs

and go home with a free copy of a Real Housewives memoir.

Your only job is just be nice.

It's all about nice.

Did you just make eye contact with the host?

No, I would never!

(growling)

- Aah! - Oh!

Ladies and gay friends, I'm MC Hairbone,

the funkiest daytime DJ in the world.

Get on your feet for your newest, non-threatening-est

king of late morning or early afternoon

depending on your local market and time zone:

Krusty!

-♪ Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur ♪ -(cheering)

♪ With the fur ♪

-♪ The whole club was lookin' at her ♪ -(grunting)

-♪ She hit the floor ♪ -♪ She hit the floor ♪

♪ Next thing you know, shawty got low, low ♪

♪ Low, low, low, low, low, low ♪

♪ Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps ♪

-♪ With the straps ♪ -♪ She turned around and gave ♪

♪ That big booty a slap. ♪

(groans) Look at this.

I already got a wardrobe malfunction.

(audience laughs)

That's the kind of joke we get.

- Ah. -♪

Oh, my God, this is my first segment.

I hope people like it, Jordan.

Look at this guy. He's saying,

"I'm gonna wrangle me up a nap."

(laughing, whooping)

These are my people.

And they're raising the roof for my idea.

Can you believe we get paid for this?

We don't.

(audience cheering, whooping)

Bart, you're taking this really well.

I'd have thought you'd be hatching some scheme

to get the old Krusty show back.

Why would I do that?

I've got my favorite Krusty episodes right here.

More than 700 of 'em.

Hm, kind of makes you think.

Once you have enough episodes of any classic show,

why do you need to keep making more?

Well, the reason is...

Shh. Watching classic Krusty.

(Krusty the Clown theme song playing)

Oh, it's just so easy.

I don't have to be funny anymore.

I just have to be nice.

It's the greatest grift I've ever done.

(laughs) I'm gonna go buy some cars.

- Mm... - You did a great job today, Marge.

You know, we women have to stick together in this business.

But I also want you to never quite be sure

where you stand with me, and just have

a general sense of unease about my intentions.

Does that make sense?

I think so.

Great.

Okay, everybody, conference room.

Pitch meeting for tomorrow.

You, plaid shirt.

Not you. Plaid shirt, tall. Yeah.

Bring the binder of dinner menus.

-♪ Let me talk to 'em ♪ -♪ Come on ♪

-♪ Shawty had them Apple Bottom jeans ♪ -♪ Jeans ♪

-♪ Boots with the fur ♪ -♪ With the fur ♪

♪ The whole club was lookin' at her ♪

-♪ She hit the floor ♪ -♪ She hit the floor ♪

♪ Next thing you know, low ♪

♪ Hey, I ain't never seen nothing that'll make me go ♪

♪ This crazy all night, spending my dough ♪

♪ Had a million-dollar vibe and a body to go ♪

♪ Them birthday cakes, they stole the show, so sexual ♪

♪ She was flexible, professional ♪

♪ Drinking X and O ♪

♪ Hold up wait a minute, do I see ♪

-♪ What I think I, whoa ♪ -♪ Come on. ♪

Homie, I'm so sorry I'm late.

You would not believe the day I had.

Oh, please, let's eat. I'm starving.

Oh, but if the bill looks high, it's because

I already ate a full meal here.

And then Krusty didn't even tell us

he had swapped the A and B blocks.

I'd already preset the demo table

for my segment, "popcorn maker wars."

So, then it's my fault

the "reuniting soldiers and their dogs" segment

was such a disaster?

Carla's the one who turned on the popcorn machines.

And that's Hair Department Carla?

No, Hair Department Carla is blonde.

You know, my day was pretty crazy, too.

Lenny came in this morning with a ladybug on his shirt,

and we were seeing how long before he noticed it.

Segment idea: "Krusty goes blond."

(laughs)

Lenny made it all the way to lunch

and then the little guy just fell off on its own.

(laughs)

We called him Ladybug Lenny

for the rest of the day!

(laughs)

- Ah, ladybugs. -(phone dings)

Oh, I have to go back to the office.

The viral skateboard grandma we booked for tomorrow

has a history of racist tweets.

Uh, Marge, I forgot my wallet.

Hmm.

No. Too edgy. Too soft.

What is this, Corden?

Seen it.

Not timely. Too timely.

Way too soft.

What is this, Fallon?

"Good luck Mom, we love you."

I don't even get this.

Is that all you got?

Mm...

(sighs) Guys, I know I've been a little stressed lately,

but it's so nice for us to all sit down together.

It's okay, Mom. You're doing your dream job.

Yeah, we're proud of you, Mom.

Now pass the index cards.

The what?

I'm hungry for segments.

Aah!

What's the matter, Marge?

You haven't even touched

your steamed pushpins.

Aah!

(gasps)

(panting)

(exclaims, gasps)

(all grunting)

Aah! Oh!

Eh? (sighs)

(cackling)

Aah!

-(sobbing) -(whimpering)

(growling)

Mm. Mm...

Look alive, people. The big boss

wants to see everyone for a meeting.

Krusty's here? But we don't tape for another eight minutes.

I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am

for all your hard work.

I never knew doing a television show

could require so little effort on my part.

If anyone needs anything, I'll be in my spray tan tent.

Thanks, Krusty. You earned it.

Back to work. We need 50 branded segment ideas

for Menopause Chapstick and something called Cereal Wine.

(all groan)

At this solemn and holy moment,

I baptize thee...

(phone clicking, chiming)

(grumbling)

How are we supposed to do surprise makeovers

on the mailmen you brought in?

Every one of them is already gorgeous.

ALL: Shh!

Special thanks to the Pre-K Pop and Lock Crew.

(cheering, applause)

- That was great. - It was fine.

I mean, look me in the eye

and tell me where the GIF was. Tell me.

Uh, uh, uh, when the little kid breakdanced.

Um, excuse me, Marge,

there seems to be an emergency at your house.

What is so important that you pulled me out of work?

Marge, there's no emergency.

Have a seat. This is an intervention.

-(gasps) -(toilet flushes)

I missed the big reveal? You said I had time.

Midge, go out and come back in.

Aw, nah, forget that. Who's that even for?

All right, all right, intervention. And, uh, go.

If this is about the melatonin gummies,

I can stop whenever I want.

No, Marge. We're interventioning

you and your whole deal.

I never thought I'd speak ill of TV,

but I think it's destroying you.

(grumbles)

PATTY and SELMA: Mm-hmm.

Cut to commercial.

Okay, let's make this quick. Everybody say your little thing.

We're just worried about you, Marge.

Look, even your best friend Luann is here.

Best friend?

We haven't had the conversation yet,

but it's unspoken.

Mom, we want to be supportive of your dreams,

but you just don't seem to be enjoying it anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry that you're all so threatened

by a powerful, successful woman.

Lisa, as a feminist, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Really? Just this week the show's done

"sext your way out of traffic school"

and debuted a new daily segment called "trends in cleavage."

- When's this show on again? -(phone dings)

MARGE: Mm?

The Internet's on fire about our story

exposing the toxic work environment at Krusty.

- Inexcusable. - I heard they made all the interns

convert to Judaism and work on Christmas,

then convert back and work on Passover.

-(all gasp) - Mm-hmm.

(gasps) This is a disaster.

We can finish this dumb thing later.

Hmm. So, um, what's the move here?

Well, is there anything else we can work on?

Hey Homer, how's the drinking?

Same.

-(indistinct chatter) -(whimpering)

What the hell is this?

For the first time in my life, I'm not responsible

for a toxic work environment. I'm barely ever here.

Physically, and certainly not mentally.

Don't worry, Krusty.

I'm going to find whoever said it's terrible to work here

and personally bully them until their hair falls out in clumps.

But what you need now is a redemption episode.

And I know I speak for the entire staff when I say

we're willing to pull an all-nighter to make it happen.

(sobbing)

Aah!

Yeah, and you'll write me one of those apologies

where it sounds like I'm sorry but I'm not actually

taking the blame for anything?

I've done hundreds of these. It's actually a template

in the software we use.

Uh, what else?

Bart, you got to be addicted to something by now.

None of your business.

Fair enough.

(distorted): ♪ Shawty had them ♪

-♪ Apple Bottom jeans ♪ -♪ Jeans ♪

♪ Boots with the fur ♪

♪ With the fur. ♪

I was devastated to learn that our show

has become a toxic work environment.

Well, even though I knew absolutely nothing

about what was going on, the buck stops with me.

And I promise you, I'm going to take some time to listen,

learn, not touch, and listen.

What the hell is this?!

How am I supposed to do the salad shake

if it's not in its original container?

-(grunts) - Aah!

(whimpering)

Oh, my God.

What have I become?

I was completely unaware of the following policies:

if employees see me in my car,

they must lower imaginary sunglasses

as if impressed and aroused.

Krusty, you don't need to do this.

- The world needs to know the truth. -(phone rings)

It's the system of daytime TV that's toxic.

It's turned us all into monsters

fueled by stress, gaslighting,

and $15 kale Caesar salads.

The pressure to crank out so much nice

brings out the worst in us.

We just wanted to bring more nice in the world.

More nice.

Okay, new speech.

This non-apology apology

just became a real apology.

This place isn't toxic

because of whoever this lady is

or "the system."

- It's toxic because of me. -(audience gasps)

I'm a showbiz monster.

I'm not nice.

So I'm stepping away from the show...

forever.

-(gasps) - Wha?

Krusty. Krusty, you don't have to do this.

It's not your fault.

Look, lady, I couldn't agree with you more.

Everyone who works here except me is nuts.

I just quit because I closed the deal for a new gig

which makes daytime talk show money

look like late night talk show money.

TV judge syndication money.

A judge?

Judge Judy is the richest TV star in the world.

So I'm gonna be Judge Krusty.

I can let my body go, just sit on my keister

and speak truth to stupid all day.

All right, I got to go work on my humiliation quips.

You ever do any bailiffing?

Some.

No more show?

I'm... I'm free.

Oh come on, why would you do that?

Sorry, Pat, sorry, sorry.

KRUSTY: Oh, come on.

Don't sneeze on my robe

and tell me I'm in a car wash.

Did you fall out of the stupid tree

and land in the idiot mulch?

His quips could use some work.

(laughs) Mulch.

Do you ever miss working in TV, Mom?

There was at least a week there where you seemed to enjoy it.

Sure, it was rewarding at first.

But this experience has made me realize

my real dream job is producing this family.

And now, as a consultant,

I get the best of both worlds.

(phone rings)

Marge, it's Drew. I need your help.

I got no A block for tomorrow.

Let me see...

Have you seen the viral grandpa?

The one who raises baby ducks?

Yes, I'm thinking surprise spa day for him.

And an extreme pond makeover for the ducks.

Oh, Marge, are you sure you won't come work for me?

That's very sweet, Drew,

but my daytime days are over.

-(kids grunting, coughing) -(sobbing)

Oh...

I'll be in touch.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Here at Segments, we believe

there is life after daytime.

Our patients have suffered indescribable trauma

from TV hosts perpetuating the cycle of abuse

handed down since the days

of The Mike Douglas Show.

We treat all aspects of PTSD...

post talk show disorder...

compulsive fake laughter,

guest cancellation night terrors,

long haul Kelly Ripas...

Lindsey, who are you talking to?

The audience.

I'm warming up the audience.

It's all on the teleprompter!

Why don't you just put this on

for a "who wore it best" segment?

Mm! (chuckles)

Shh!