Original subtitles

-? Look up there ? -? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

-? Like a rock ? -? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here, you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

[Judy] Ooh, it's all happening.

I, Judy Tobin, am understudy

for the biggest professional theater production

in Lone Moose,

Ronnie n' Rita's Engagement Dinnah!

I'm very impressed that the understudy memorizes the lines

for every single part.

Yep. I play all roles and none.

But, I mean, I could play one,

if something were to happen to one of the cast members.

Not that I hope and pray for that

because actually being in the play with lines

would be the ultimate dream of dreams.

I do not for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure

want anything to happen to anyone.

Of course not.

But if I was actually in the play,

you could come see me,

and since it's interactive,

maybe you'd even kinda, sorta be in the play yourself

-if you were one of the audience members they talk to. -No!

-What? -I mean, uh,

no way would I miss it. [laughs] What a cool bean.

Everything okay, Dad? You kinda tensed up

when I said "interactive dinner theater."

-No, I didn't! -Okay.

But if you are afraid of interactive theater

for some absolutely weird reason you refuse to share with me,

maybe you should come in and meet the cast.

Never! I mean, maybe another time.

I have to listen to an episode of Car Talk from 1997.

Okay. See you after.

Phew.

-Zip. -Zap.

-Um... Oh, no. -Zop.

Great zop, Judy.

Now, that's an understudy.

She's in high school, but her brain is on Broadway.

All right, all right, gather around, everyone.

You know, when Rita and I met 20 years ago

as extras on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,

we had no idea we'd mount the seminal production

of Ronnie n' Rita's Engagement Dinnah! God bless.

Tonight we tell the moving story

of two star-crossed lovers.

One from the Bronx, the other from Brooklyn.

It's like Romeo and Juliet but much better written.

Plus you get supper for $19.99,

dessert and alcohol not included. God bless.

God bless. And remember, tonight the audience

had a choice between us or one of the many streaming networks.

Ugh. [spits]

Big Tech wants to break us, but we're gonna break them.

"Famiglia" on three. One, two, three.

[all] Famiglia!

[sniffs] Ah, the smoky-meated stench

of the annual Lil Preppers Lil' Jerky Fundraiser.

[sighs] Yup.

-Whoa. You're only grabbing one box there, bud? -Uh-huh.

I bring it home, sell it to Dad,

and then we can all move on with our lives.

Wait? Don't you want to go for one of the prizes?

Bouncy balls, basketball hoop trash can,

and, dang, a lifetime supply of sticky hands?

It's a beautiful dream, but I'm terrible at selling stuff.

Watch this.

Buy my elk jerky. Dry your mouth out.

Yikes.

-See? -[Wolf] Okay, yeah,

that was bad and made me never want to eat elk jerky

or literally any other food again,

but, Moon, Honeybee and I are amazing at sales.

Remember that energy drink that carbonated people's blood?

-Throat Crush? -Mm-hmm.

I moved a ton of that in Fresno after the lawsuit.

-Whoa. -So what do you say, should we partner up?

I'm in. Let's get our hands on those hands.

[Rita] Aunt Marie,

somehow I'm gonna figure out

how you make this sauce.

[gasps] "Sauce"? We don't call it sauce in the Bronx.

-We call it "gravy." -Uh-oh. That's a spicy meatball.

-[audience laughs] -Oh, oh. Rita meant "gravy."

She just, uh, got mixed up.

No, Ronnie, I can't keep doing this.

There's something you all should know.

I'm not from the Bronx.

-I'm from Brooklyn. -[others gasp]

Brooklyn? I knew something smelled like a bridge in here.

-[audience laughs] -[Ronnie] Aunt Marie,

that's my fianc� you's talking about.

Well, she ain't no Sister Catherine.

-[audience laughs] -[laughs] Incredible.

Aunt Marie, you cool off.

I'm gonna see how the rest of our famiglia is doing.

Boy, you have a big family.

-[audience laughs] -[Ronnie] Oh!

Look at this, it's Cousin Joey.

He's out of the slammer.

Hey, what are you having for supper tonight?

-The chicken. -Hey! Who you calling chicken?

-[audience laughs] -Chicken. [laughs]

And remember, you can choose your entr�e...

But you can't choose your family.

-[Rita and Ronnie] Aunt Marie! -[applause]

Whoa! [grunts]

-[audience gasps] -[gasps] Spaghetti slip.

-[groaning] -Let me just find her kneecap.

Wh-Where's your kneecap? Where's her kneecap?!

Sorry your leg died.

It's dinner theater. I knew the risks when I signed on.

Maybe I can stand. [screams]

Ah, the streamers are gonna love this. [grunts]

Judy, are you ready to be Aunt Marie

for however long it takes

for this middle-aged woman's ACL to heal?

You betcha buttah.

Miss Judy.

Earn this. [shudders]

Is she dead?

No, she's fine. She does this a lot.

Whoo! Dad, I have amazing news.

I'm in the show now.

You and the whole family have to come to my debut tomorrow.

Oh, God. Interactive theater?

No! No...

-[horn honking] -[gasps] Dad. Dad! Wake up.

Thank you all for answering my "911 FAMILY MEETING" text.

Dad, uh, would like to bravely share something

very personal with us.

A horror story about an audience interaction

in a live theater environment.

Oh, Lord. I know exactly what this is about.

Let them in, Papa.

It was five years ago at The Comedy Dump.

I can still smell the jalape�o poppers.

[Wolf] I had begged Dad to take me to see Danny Whut,

the Original Brash Boy of Comedy.

[Beef] During the show, I was foolish enough

to engage in eye contact with the Brash Boy,

and when that happened, he said...

Flannel here knows what I'm talking about, right?

-[audience laughing] -[Beef] I did not, in fact, know what he was talking about,

and he could sense that.

So then, like an apex predator,

he attacked me with a second question.

Tell me, buddy, where are you from?

[Beef] The world went black.

Uh... uh...

This guy's from "Uh, uh." [laughs]

I play there next week.

Uh, uh, uh.

[groans]

I fainted. And when I awoke, I was non-verbal for days.

And I also had a small burn on my face

from the queso dip I had collapsed in.

That sicko asked where you're from?

Since that day, I swore I'd never again attend

an event with immersion, interaction, or...

[shudders] crowd work.

Dad, stand-up comedy and interactive dinner theater

couldn't be more different.

Our show is a beautiful dance between performer and patron,

where we all share the spotlight.

It's a kind of utopia.

I want to trust you, Judy, but I don't know that I can.

Theatergoers should be safe from participation.

Okay. If you can't come to my big showbiz debut

that means the world to me, I guess I understand.

[chuckles] I can just give your ticket to Mom.

Oh, wait.

Judy, the thought of interacting at your play

makes me long for the icy hand of death,

but, to support my daughter,

-I will attend a dinner theater. -Yes!

Oh, Dad, if it makes you feel better,

I just googled that comedian,

and he died on a hike two years ago.

That does make me feel better, son. Thank you.

? Gaba-gaba-gaba-gabagool. ?

[Alanis] There's our star.

Oh, hey, Alanis.

I mean this as a compliment. You look like a cranky old bag.

Aw, thank you.

[Alanis] Ready for your big debut tonight?

Yes. I even dreamt in character.

Aunt Marie met the Pope, and he let her smell inside his hat.

That means you're ready.

[sighs] I just wish Dad wasn't so nervous about coming.

He stayed up all night stress-chopping logs.

Yeesh.

You know, my dad always panicked

during sing-alongs at my concerts,

so, to help him relax, one time I brought him onstage

to play a little woodblock, and he loved it.

-But then... -Oh, my God. That's a great idea.

-Wait, what idea? -Thanks, Alanis.

-I'm gonna do what you said. -It wasn't an idea.

I have got to get myself a wig like that. It looks incredible.

Now, remember, Moon, people don't buy a product...

-They buy a story. -[doorbell rings]

Hello, ma'am. My brother here is selling elk jerky for his-

Oh, no, thank you.

Sorry, buddy, but I guess your bullies are right.

You can't even sell one pack of jerky.

Okay, I guess I'll go get beat up some more.

[sighs] I wish there was something we could do,

but your bullies keep beating us up, too.

Yeah, the doctor said if I get one more wedgie,

my butt crack will permanently split down the middle

-like a hamburger bun. -[gasps]

Now, hang on. Bullying ends today.

Whoo! You're a natural, Moon.

You follow my lead perfectly.

It's kinda like the more you lie, the more they buy.

Ooh, he's already doing slogans. Okay, prodigy.

-Hey, how you doing, Dad? -Good. [laughs]

Calm! Calm! Good!

Ronnie, Rita, hi. Thank you again for this sacred role.

Of course. Oh, I remember my big break.

I played "Confused Woman" on the Knots Landing reboot.

Ugh. She killed it. So confused. Come here.

[both moaning]

Okay... Great.

Uh, could you do me a favor? My dad's out there tonight.

When it's time for audience interaction,

could you call on him?

Judy, our audience interactions are organic, never preplanned.

I know, I know, but he's experienced

some audience participation trauma

at the hands of one of stand-up comedy's Brash Boys.

-No. Your poor father. -Makes me sick.

We will heal this man and change his life. [chuckles]

Not a lot of streamers can say that.

Uh, maybe Peacock.

Well, she ain't no Sister Catherine.

[laughter]

I'm gonna see how the rest of our famiglia is doing.

Boy, you have a big family.

-[audience laughs] -Oh, no. Participation.

Oh. What do you know? It's good old Cousin Joey.

Hey, pal, what you having for supper?

Mm...

By God, it's happening again.

It's okay, Cousin Joey. Whenever you're ready,

just tell us what you're having for dinner.

Uh... uh...

Uh. Uh. [laughs] Uh. Uh.

Mm...

Come on, Dad. Say what your food is.

I said, Cousin Joey, what you having for supper?

I'm having...

wh...

whatever this is.

-Whatever this is. -Whoo! [laughs]

[laughter]

He's making fun of the food. That's funny.

That makes me laugh.

Whatever that is.

He did it.

Hey, let's hear it for Cousin Joey. Come on.

Well done, paisan.

I'm Cousin Joey.

And then I said,

"Whatever this is."

-Remember, guys? -It was pure gold.

There's a new it girl in Lone Moose, and it's my dad.

Actually, son, that wasn't me. It was Cousin Joey.

That's how I was able to talk at all.

I acted like a different person.

-Hey, is that why they call it acting? -'Tis.

What a pure, unadulterated,

and, most importantly, legal rush.

You know what, I'd like to attend the show again tonight.

Sure. I'll put you on my comp list.

It would be my dream to have you there every night.

Who knows? They may even call on you again.

[giggles] A man can dream.

Okay. Wow, Dad on a comp list.

Tr�s chic.

I'm telling you, Father Carmone,

these kids these days worship their phones

-more than the cross. -[laughter]

Let's see, let's see. Oh! It's Cousin Joey.

What are you having for supper?

Whatever this is?

-Oh! Give it up for this wise guy right here. -[laughter]

Wow. Biggest laugh all night. Okay. Good.

That's fine. It's not like he'll be here every night.

Whatever this is.

-[laughter] -[groans]

And every box sold gets us one dollar closer

to curing Children's Frankenstein Syndrome.

Cousin Joey.

Whatever this is, Ronnie.

-Oh! -[laughter]

If you were kind enough to purchase,

I could finally get my neck transplant.

[old lady] I'll take five boxes.

[Wolf] I'll call the surgeon and tell him to keep that neck on ice.

[all] Whatever this is.

Now we can afford that exorcist to get that demon out of you.

[demonic voice] Enjoy your jerky.

-Whatever this is. Whatever this is. -[laughter]

Whatever this is.

Enough!

[microphone feedback squeals]

I mean, uh, everyone had enough ziti?

-Whatever that was. -[laughter]

[scoffs]

[mocking] "Whatever this is." [muttering]

You okay there, Jude dude?

No. My dad has basically stolen my spotlight.

If a talent scout comes to the show,

they're gonna pick him to star

in a hot YA movie franchise instead of me.

[grunts] It's enough to make me scream into my wig.

[muffled scream]

You know, I never finished my "dad playing woodblock" story.

After that first concert, my dad couldn't get enough.

And next thing I knew, he was onstage every night

smashing that woodblock, shaking his little dad hips.

Disgusting.

Paris. Madrid. Rome. By the time we got to Rio,

the crowd was chanting "woodblock"

before I even went on, in Portuguese.

Bloco de madeira. Bloco de madeira.

All this attention, and he didn't put an ounce of work in.

Exactly. It wasn't even his dream.

Well, my first thought was cut his mic, but-

[gasps] That's it.

I'll tell Ronnie and Rita to stop calling on him.

You're a genius. Thank you.

But I had more to say.

I have got to learn to talk faster.

[Judy] But you can't choose

your family.

-[Rita and Ronnie] Aunt Marie. -[applause]

Hey, great show tonight.

Love the choice to make Ronnie louder.

-God bless. -And I just want to say,

it's been so nice of you to call on my dad, but-

Yes. And speaking of which, Rita, you got him?

-Uh, what is happening? -What is happening?

Beef, what's happening is, we have a question to ask you,

and we want to do it in front of the whole famiglia.

You are getting big, dessert-selling laughs.

And not to scare everyone, but the streamers are now bundling.

Bundling. Joining forces to deliver

a death blow to dinner theater.

And that's why, Beef, we're asking you to join the cast.

-[gasps] -Will you be our permanent Cousin Joey?

Starting tomorrow night?

I'm-I'm honored. I accept.

-[others cheering] -Bloco de madeira.

[Moon] Well, the sale ends tomorrow.

And if I sell these last 20 boxes,

we'll be sticky hand-illionaires.

We'll never have to reach for anything again.

Guys, I have an idea I'd like to try,

but to pull it off, I'd have to go solo.

[sniffles] I knew this day would come.

We believe in you.

[sniffles] There goes my hero.

Sorry for interrupting, but see the two people in that car?

They kidnapped me and said I couldn't go home

-until I sold all this jerky. -[gasps]

They put a bomb in my suit.

Oh, uh, wait right here. I'm gonna go get my purse.

Mission accomplished.

Wow. Did she really buy all the boxes?

-[siren wails] -Okay, if anyone asks,

just say you strapped a bomb to me.

? ?

Keep her close, Mikey.

-Mwah, mwah. -Good evening, lovely Rita.

[both laugh]

This guy.

Hey, lovely Rita. Oh, uh...

Zip. Zap. Um...

-[Judy and Beef] Zop. -Yes. Zop. Thanks, Beef.

[Beef and Ronnie] ? Mommy made me mash my M&M's. ?

[Beef and Ronnie laugh]

Gather round, everybody. Gather round.

Now, despite the efforts of Silicon Valley,

tonight is our 12th show.

And to celebrate, we're all getting drinks afterwards

at Twenty-One and Uppletons in Whippleton.

But Twenty-One and Uppletons is only for 21-and-ups.

Don't worry, Jude. I'll fill you in

on everything that happens, especially any new inside jokes,

like "Hold the mustard."

-[laughter, overlapping chatter] -Hold the mustard.

Wait, when did that one happen?

[groans]

[audience laughs]

Hey, look at this. It's Cousin Joey.

-What are you having for supper? -Whatever this-

Whatever this is! [forced laugh] All right.

Uh, everything okay, Aunt Marie?

No, actually! Aunt Marie's got something to say.

How's everybody doing tonight?

Eating well? Mangia, mangia?

[laughs uncomfortably] Mangia, mangia.

Hey, Aunt Marie, maybe you want to sit back down?

You might have had too much sambuca, right?

Can't drink, too young. Remember?

Made plans without me. But what about my plans?

And my dreams? I put in the work.

Rehearsal after rehearsal after rehearsal.

Three rehearsals.

Judy, you have got to stay in character.

Character? Let's talk character.

You know what this is?

It's a book filled with Aunt Marie's backstory.

From where she went to elementary school

to what she wants carved on her gravestone.

"Daughter. Aunt. Angel."

Judy, we got to keep the show going. The streamers.

Tonight I've got a bigger problem than the streamers,

-and it's this guy. -[gasps]

My own father.

He just waltzes in here, gets one laugh,

and then he gets hired.

But tell me, Joey, tell me your backstory.

Where did you go to elementary school?

Uh... uh, uh...

um... wherever there was?

[audience murmuring]

Because me? Aunt Marie?

I went to Our Lady of the Tears in the Bronx,

next to the spaghetti shop.

I was one of 17 children, and we were poor.

By God, we were poor.

Many a morning I found myself

cutting one leftover meatball into 17 pieces

for our lunch pails.

I'd put one little spoonful of tomato sauce on each piece,

and sometimes a teardrop would fall.

[gasps, cries]

And the nuns were so mean.

If you got one answer wrong, they'd slap your feet.

[all gasp]

But after school,

I'd take the jitney out to Coney Island,

and I'd sit on the sand, and I'd open my lunch pail...

'Cause, see, I didn't eat my meatball piece.

-I saved it for the birds. -Why?

Why? 'Cause they were hungrier than I was, Cousin Joey.

And I thought if I fed them,

the Lord Jesus and all his holy apostles...

[both] God bless.

...would take mercy on us and make us rich.

And then, one day,

my father got run over by a wheel of Parmigiano.

-[bell clangs] -Killed him instantly.

[gasps]

The Parmigiano company had to pay us

a million dollars.

And my family and the birds

never went hungry again.

[cheering and applause]

[Beef clearing throat]

Hello.

Uh, you might know me as Cousin Joey

from when Ronnie said I was earlier.

But my real name is Beef,

and this is my talented daughter Judy.

I just wanted to say, Judy, you're totally right.

You generously gave me a little taste of the spotlight,

and I took the whole cannoli,

and I'm really sorry.

I'm gonna do what the nuns at the school never could.

Forgive.

[cheering and applause]

I don't know what just happened,

but I know the streamers are worried tonight.

[Edna] Faking a kidnapping is a serious crime.

Second only to kidnapping.

I guess it's not right to lie to people

just so you can get a bunch of sticky hands.

[laughs] What? No.

The more you lie, the more they buy, baby.

-Hmm? -I was a Lil Prepper myself.

Take a look at this. [grunts]

-Whoa. -Listen, the jacked up meat-hounds

down at the firehouse will buy anything.

Let's roll.

-[Wolf] Can I hold your gun? -[Edna] Oh, sure.

[Judy] Well,

I was sad to hand my heavy wig

back to its original owner, but this whole experience

inspired me to write my own theater piece.

Judy Tobin presents Rick and Rachel's Engagement Breakfast.

It's the tale of two star-crossed lovers.

One from Juneau, and the other? From Anchorage.

Think Romeo and Juliet but much more tragic.

A south and even-further-south Alaskan affair?

This I have to see.

You ready to help me run lines?

Yes. Sure. Okay.

Let's begin with scene two.

"Yo, Aunt Marge.

I'm gonna find out how you make these flapjacks."

"'Flapjacks'? In Juneau, we call them 'pancakes.'"

[laughs] Things are about to get messy.

? We got down to work, we ?

? Sold a bunch of jerky ?

? To our surprise, we won a prize ?

? These hands are super quirky ?

? It's sticky to rock a hand, to whip a hand ?

-? To grab a pen ? -? It's sticky ?

-? It's sticky ? -? Sticky ?

-? Sticky ? -? Sticky ?

? It's sticky to rock a hand ?

? To whip a hand, to scare a friend ?

? It's sticky ?

-? It's sticky ? -? Sticky ?

-? Sticky ? -? Sticky ?

? Use it to eat a meal-sy ?

? Or let it take the wheel-sy ?

? It goes wah-pshh, does what I wish ?

-? This sticky hand for realsy ? -? It's sticky to rock a hand ?

-? To not get up, turn on a fan ? -? It's sticky. ?

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0