Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Horn! Horn!

Little horn! Big horn! Little horn!

Aah! Oh, ooh, ha ha!

That's the fourth guy that's cracked up this week.

What did you say?

I say that's the fourth man that had a nervous breakdown.

That's right.

The "g" -minor horn always gets them.

Make this a "g" -minor!

Yes, sir.

What?

I say, "were the others all right?"

Just fair.

Put that thing down.

Well, I've got to blow me horn.

And cut that thing off! It makes me nervous!

Doesn't this noise bother you?

No, it just goes in this ear and out of the other.

Don't bother me a bit.

Haven't you got it fixed yet?

No, I haven't got it fixed yet!

And furthermore, I'm not gonna fix it!

Horns to the right of me!

Horns to the left of me!

Horns all over me!

That's it!

Stop him! Horns!

Horns! Horns!

Get --

There, there, there. Come, come, come, come.

Calm yourself, young man. Calm yourself.

Put that down!

Your nerves are all jangled.

I'd advise you to go home immediately

and call your doctor.

That's just exactly what I'll do.

Come, Stanley. Oh.

Thank you.

Come on, and let's go!

Come on!

Back to work, everybody!

You drive. I'm too nervous.

Don't do that.

Stop it!

Stop that noise!

You better put the top up.

Hey, what are you guys trying to do?!

Hey, why don't you guys look where you're doing?!

Well, that's better.

What are you tip-toeing about?

You don't have to be so quiet.

I'm not tip-toeing.

Well, what are you walking like that for?

Well, I've got a nail in me shoe.

Well, sit down and take it out.

Here, you answer it.

Hold it a minute.

Hello?

Hello? This is Dr. Finlayson.

Oh, just a minute.

Hello?

Hello!

Hello?

Hello! This is Dr. Finlayson!

We must have been disunconnected.

Hello?

Hello? This is Dr. Finlayson.

Is this the home of Mr. Hardy?

Uh-huh.

Unh-unh.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Unh-unh.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Goodbye.

Who was it?

It was the doctor.

Well, what did he say?

He say he'd be up here in about a quarter of an hour

or 15 minutes.

As quick as he could get here.

What have you got in this thing?

Nothing.

Well, what good is an ice bag without ice in it?

Well, we haven't any ice.

Well, put some cold water in it so I can put it in my head!

All right.

Oh!

Aah!

See what that is!

I just called to see how Mr. Hardy is.

Ooh!

What's the big i--

Shh.

Good morning, doctor. Good morning.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Now, if there's anything I can do, let me know.

Thank you very much.

Come on, dear.

Do you want a banana, darling?

Yes, thank you. Right here.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Come up and see me again sometime.

I will. Thank you.

All right, let's see.

Mm-hmm.

Let me see your tongue.

Hmm.

Oh!

Oh!

Where can I get some water?

Right in the sink. Help yourself.

Hmm.

Mama!

Mama!

Mama!

Mama!

Aah!

Put that thing down!

You nearly had me scared to death.

I will now test your lungs.

Lie flat on your back and relax.

Yes, sir.

What's that?

It's my own invention -- The lung tester.

90 is normal.

If you go above that, anything can happen.

Here, hold this.

Now, put this in your mouth.

Yes, sir.

Put that thing down! Give me a hand!

No, no, no, no, no.

Just do exactly as I was doing.

Come on.

How do you feel?

Phew.

Sit there.

Oh.

What seems to be the matter with me, doctor?

Just as I suspected, a severe case of horniphobia.

"Horniphobia"?

Yes. You're allergic to horns.

In fact, your on the verge of hornimania.

Ha.

What you need is a complete rest --

Plenty of peace and quiet --

And a strict diet of goat's milk.

Do ghosts have milk?

Not ghosts -- goat!

G-o-oat -- goat!

Now, take a nice, hot bath and relax.

Where can I go to get some rest?

Well, you could take a nice ocean voyage --

Plenty of fresh sea air.

I'll go for the bath, all right,

but you'll not get me out on any ocean.

Well, that's my advice -- Take it or leave it.

I don't give a continental.

Remember, when you try to fool your doctor,

you're only fooling yourself.

And another thing --

Oh!

Ow!

Well?

Guess you'll have to take the doctor's advice.

You heard what he said.

If you don't, you're just fooling himself.

You can talk from now until doomsday,

but you're not gonna get me out on the ocean,

hornimania or no hornimania.

Just trying to help you.

Say, you know what?

Pardon me.

I just thought of something.

We don't have to go way out on the ocean to get sea air.

What do you mean?

Well, we can rent a boat, we can live on it,

and we don't even have to leave the dock --

Get all the sea air we want.

Going on the ocean's silly.

Wouldn't that be fooling the doctor?

Well, you can fool the doctor some of the time,

but you can't fool the doctor part of the time

because you'll only be fooling yourself all of the time.

What do you think?

That's exactly what we'll do.

Good.

Now you can take a nice, hot bath and relax,

and the doctor won't have to give you a continental.

Right.

He didn't want to in the first place.

You hit the nail right on the head.

And while I'm taking my bath, you clean up this room.

Okay.

I thought they were gonna fix the plumbing in this room!

But it has been fixed, Mr. Hardy.

Let me speak to the plumber.

Yes, sir.

Plumber: Hello?

Hello? Are you the man that fixed the plumbing in this room?

Yes. What's the matter with it?

Well, it's all mixed up.

Well, I can't understand that.

It looked all right to me.

You shouldn't be a plumber.

You should be working crossword puzzles!

Ha!

That's telling them.

Pardon me.

If you're not too busy,

would you mind fixing me a cup of coffee?

Can't you make a cup of coffee quietly?

Well, it isn't my fault!

It must be the plumber!

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Well, thanks for reminding me.

I'll just go downstairs

and give him a large piece of my mind!

Oh!

Mr. Hardy, are you having any trouble?

Trouble?! Well, the room is all topsy-turvy!

Come on! Oh, well, just have a look at mine!

All right.

I can't figure it out.

I turned on my radio this morning, and look what happened!

Well.

And that's not all.

Just have a look at the radio.

Well, that's the last straw!

I'll give that guy a piece of your mind, too!

Ho, ho.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Laurel.

Professor O'Brien is on his way up

to give you your music lesson.

Well, I'm glad of that.

You know, he's been expecting me.

Mm-hmm. Well, call again sometime.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Ah, buongiorno, signore.

When was the earthquake?

It wasn't an earthquake.

Funny -- I didn't feel it.

Well, let's begin practice with the music, huh?

Where is the basement? Downstairs.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now you listen to me,

and I'll show you what I mean, all right?

Good.

Now, now we play together. Come on.

Horns.

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

What's the matter?!

I'll show you what's the matter!

You can't come in here!

What's the matter?!

Hello?

Say, what's the idea

of sending every Tom, dick, and Harry up to this room?

What did you say?

Oh!

Hey! Hey! Oh, get me down!

Oh, oh!

Hey, Stan!

Get -- oh! Oh!

Hey, which way is the alley?

Out in the street.

Thanks very much.

Aah! Help!

Stan! Hey!

Hey! Hurry! Hurry, I can't -- oh!

Now, don't drop till I get the mattress underneath you.

Well, hurry up! I can't hold on much longer!

Won't be a minute.

Aah!

Excuse me. I was just coming --

Ouch!

Ship ahoy, there!

Well, hello. What can I do for you boys?

I'm Mr. Hardy. This is my friend, Mr. Laurel.

Oh.

We're the gentlemen that phoned you about the boat.

Oh, that's who you are? Well, come right down this way.

It's all ready and waiting for you.

This his goat? Oh, yeah.

All right. Follow me.

Well, there she is.

I can remember when she was the finest little craft

that ever sailed the seven seas.

Come on, I'll show her to you.

She ain't much to look at now,

but she'll answer your purpose

so long as you don't take her away from the dock.

If you need anything, you'll find me up at the store.

Okay. Thanks very much. Goodbye.

Goodbye, maties!

Goodbye. Shiver your timbers.

Say, what'll I do with narcissus?

Tie her to the dock.

Gee, this is all right, isn't it? Swell.

We can rest.

You know, your nerves

are beginning to look better already.

What's the idea of bringing this along?

Oh, that?

Well, you see, the professor said that if I didn't practice,

I'd lose me lip.

Yes, and if you do practice, you'll lose your neck.

Don't you realize the effect the sound of a horn has on me?

It makes me fighting mad!

In fact, it gives me the urge to kill!

I could take a body and break it in two and throw it down!

The very thought of it makes me tremble all over!

Well, I wouldn't get excited.

Who's excited?!

Now, listen. Be calm. You heard what the doctor said.

You got to have lots of peace and quiet,

lots of goat's milk, and -- say, by the way,

you haven't had any goat's milk, have you?

I'm glad you reminded me.

I'm glad I did, too.

Get me some. I will.

It's a good thing for your nerves,

and that's just what you need right now.

Yes, sir. One second. Pardon me.

Say, how much milk do you want?

That'll be plenty.

That's okay.

By the way, you do know how to milk a goat, don't you?

Sure. Just the same as milking a cow.

You hold the cup in this hand.

You take the other hand by the tail

and you go like that, see?

Of course, if you're left-handed,

you hold the cup in the other hand,

but I always hold it in this hand beca--

Hold the tail in that hand.

Such ignorance!

Read all about it!

Here you are -- Killer escapes! Extra!

Extra, extra, read all about it.

Killer escapes! Extra! New York paper!

Thank you.

Extra! Read all about it!

Here you are -- killer escapes!

Extra! Escaped murderer!

New York paper! Read all about it! Extra!

Killer escapes! Extra!

New York paper -- thank you.

Extra! Read all about it!

Here you are -- Killer escapes! Extra!

Extra, read about it! Killer escapes!

Extra! Here's your paper!

Killer escapes! Extra!

Oh, here's a good one.

This ought to send you to sleep.

Listen.

"Old mother Hubbard, she went to the cupboard

"to get her poor dog a bone,

"but when he came there, the cupboard was bare,

and so the poor dog had none."

Poor dog.

"She went to the bakers to buy him some bread,

"but when she came back, the poor dog was..."

Aw, gee.

"She took a clean dish to get him some tripe,

but when she came back, he was smoking her pipe."

How can a dead dog smo--

Hey. Come on. Get.

You're sleeping in m bed. Come on.

Hey. You're sleeping in my bed.

Narcissus! Shoo! Shoo!

Shh!

Narcissus, shh!

Aah.

What are you trying to do?

Shh.

What's the matter?

Narcissus is in my bed.

Well, why don't you get her out?

Well, I tried to, but he doesn't pay any attention to me,

so that's why I came and slept over here.

What are we whispering about?

What?

What are we whispering about?

Well, I didn't want to wake you up.

Oh, thank you very much.

Good night. Good night.

Get out of my bed and get in your own bed!

You didn't want to wake me up.

What was that?

The goat just went out.

Well, I don't blame it.

Now turn out that light and let me get some peace and quiet.

And pick your feet up.

Any sign of him? No.

Take your men that way,

and the rest of you fellas come with me.

How did you sleep, Ollie?

I slept like a log.

So did I.

You were right, Stanley.

You can get just as much sea air tied here to the dock

as you can out in the middle of the ocean.

Just exactly what I told you.

And you're taking the doctor's orders at the same time.

That's right.

Now, we'll go over to the store and have a nice breakfast.

That's swell. I'm hungry as a hunter.

Me, too.

Will you hurry up?

I was only hanging me clothes up.

Excuse me, jitterbugs.

Where you heading for?

What do you mean, jitterbugs?

And what business is it of yours where we're heading for?

And furthermore,

what do you mean trespassing on our private yacht?

Now remember, two's company.

Now you get off before I put you off.

Listen, cream puff, when I was a little boy,

I was told to be seen and not heard.

Are you gonna stand for that?

Na-- na-- na-- na--

I should say not!

I'll call an officer and have you arrested!

I wouldn't do that.

Let's get a cop, and he'll get a policeman,

and we'll fix him up.

You go ashore and attend to that, Stanley,

and I'll stay here and watch this ruffian.

That's a good idea.

Look out. I'll fix you.

We'll show him. We'll give him a piece of...

Jitterbug, huh? Ha.

Cream puff? Ha.

Well, you know, for two pence,

I'd make you eat those words.

Hey, Ollie? What?

Can I see you a minute? Why certainly.

Pardon us.

Uh, on second thought, ignore it.

Pardon us.

What is it?

Look. Somebody moved the dock.

No use looking. I've looked everywhere.

Can't see a thing.

Say, what's the big idea of shanghaiing us?

If you don't get us back to that dock,

there's gonna be some trouble about this!

Is that so?

What do you mean, "is that so"?

You don't realize who we are, do you?

No, who are you?

Well, I'm Mr. Hardy, and this is my friend, Mr. Laurel.

What is it?

Don't bother me now. And there's one more --

So, you're Mr. Hardy and Mr. Laurel, are you?

Yes.

Well, from now on,

your name is dizzy, and your name is dopey.

Any objections to that?

No, sir. Unh-unh.

If it wouldn't be asking too much,

would you mind telling us your name?

Just call me Nick.

How do you do, Mr. Nick?

Gee, that's a pretty name. Mm-hmm.

And I'd like to have you meet Nick Jr.

Now that we understand each other,

let's cut out the formalities.

What do you say?

It's okay with me. Me, too.

Fine. From now on, you're taking orders from me.

Understand? Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, you two birds get below and rustle me something to eat.

We can't get you anything to eat.

We haven't gotten anything for ourselves, have we, Ollie?

No, sir. Don't argue with me!

Get below and rustle me up some grub!

Go on! Get down there!

We're trying to tell you --

Get below!

You wouldn't want Nick Jr. To get mad at you, would you?

No, sir. But you'll have to take pot luck.

Get going, dizzy! Yes, sir!

And call me when it's ready.

Well, here's another nice bucket of suds

you've gotten me into.

Well, I couldn't help it, dizzy.

What do you mean, you couldn't help --

And don't call me "dizzy," dopey!

It was your idea to get us on this boat.

I'll never listen to another idea of yours as long as I live.

And if I ever get out of this,

I'll use my own judgment from then on.

What are we gonna do about something to eat?

Well, there's only one thing to do -- fake it.

What do you mean, fake it?

We'll serve him a synthetic meal.

Well, we haven't got any.

You don't understand. We'll substitute things.

For instance, we'll, uh...

We'll use this string for spaghetti.

And we'll use the soap for grated cheese

and so on and so on.

But he can't eat that. It'll poison him.

So what?

If we don't get old Nick, Nick Jr. will get us.

You're right.

Self-preservation is the last law of average.

Dopey, you amaze me.

Thank you, dizzy. I get an idea --

Go ahead and fix the fire.

Say, can you use this sponge for anything?

Yeah. We can cut it up and use it for meatballs.

Good idea.

Hey, you get the table ready.

Say, look.

$5,000 reward, captured dead or alive.

Good.

Now, when he finishes eating this,

the reward is just as good as in the palm of my hand.

What about me?

I'll take care of you.

I'll see what else I can fix.

All right.

Say, do you think he'd like some bacon?

Yeah. Give him the works.

What are you gonna use for tomato sauce?

Look around and see if you can find anything

that looks like it.

Say, how about this red paint?

Perfect. Heat it up.

What about bread?

We'll have to rustle him up some biscuits.

What'll we use for that?

There's some talcum powder in my bag.

Hi, skipper!

Hi, Mike. What's the trouble?

I rented prickly heat to a couple of landlubbers yesterday,

and you know that tub ain't safe,

so I told them not to take her out to sea

but they did, and I'm worried about them.

Well, we'll see what we can do for you.

Fine. Fine, skipper.

Full speed ahead!

Gee, that looks good.

It sure does.

You'd never know it was sympathetic, would you?

Wonderful. What's that?

It's coffee.

What did you make it out of?

I used a sack of your tobacco.

That'll fix him.

Now, let's see...

Oh, Mr. Nick!

Oh, Mr. Nick, dinner is served.

It is, huh?

Yes, sir.

You better eat it while it's good and hot.

Well. Looks good. Smells good.

And it probably tastes good.

How about some nice, hot coffee?

Later.

You're gonna like this

because it's just like mother used to make.

Oh, she never made any as good as this.

Well, if it's that good...

...you eat it.

I beg your pardon?

Eat it.

Well, I'm not a bit hungry, am I, Ollie?

No. And I'm on a diet.

You heard what I said. Eat.

No thanks.

Hey. Take one.

Take another.

Won't you have one?

Unh-unh. I never eat biscuits.

You see, I -- well, maybe one.

And maybe another one, too.

Look, I got nothing to eat it with.

Here. I can wait.

Here you are, dizzy.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Just like mother used to make, eh, dizzy?

Only better, huh, dopey?

Have a meatball, dizzy.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Here, have some coffee.

No, thank you.

Come on. Drink it.

Horn!

Horn!

Horns!

Horns!

Hey!

Oh.

So, you want to play, huh?

Blow the horn!

Blow the horn!

I'm helpless without it! Blow the horn, fool!

Open the door, dizzy!

The longer you keep me waiting, the worse it's gonna be for you!

Blow the horn, Stan! Blow the horn!

Blow the horn!

Blow that horn, Stan!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Please blow that horn!

I can't!

Aah! Blow the horn, Stan! Blow the horn!

Blow the horn, Stan!

Stan, blow the horn!

Come on, Stan! Blow the horn!

Blow!

Horn!

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Blow the horn!

Blow the horn, Stan!

Phew.

Oh.

What's going on here?

That's what I'd like to know!

Who's this guy?

That's the fella that shanghaied us!

Shanghaied?

Yes, sir.

Why, that's Nick Grainger.

The whole country's looking for him!

Put him in irons, boys.

Get up. Come on. Get up.

Tow this cracker box back to port.

Do you two realize

you've got a nice reward coming to you for this?

What do you mean, "we two"?

I'm gonna get the reward.

Well, aren't you gonna split it?

Certainly not.

He's gonna treat me right. Aren't you, Ollie?

Why, certainly.

He'll take care of me, see?

Well, how in the world

did you ever manage to subdue this fella?

Well, I don't want to talk about myself.

Oh, go on. Tell him, Ollie.

Don't be a screwball all your life.

You tell him, Stanley.

All right, I'll tell him.

You see, it happened like this.

When those two guys came on board --

Two guys? Oh, yeah.

There was old Nick and there was Nick Jr.

So, believe it or not, I got a swell idea,

and this is what happened.

Listen.

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Which cell is Nick Grainger in?

Number three.

Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.