Original subtitles

"I, Hanney Ellen Keane, hereby bequeath all of the accumulated art and artifacts,

from Keane Manor, collected by my family over ten generations,

to the Luna Foundation to be cataloged for display in its museums

or disposed off, according to the detailed instructions that follow."

I'd say "detailed" is the operative word here.

One of the most incredible private collections of antiques in the world.

Yeah.

Amazing! All these boxes. There must be thousands of items here.

Most of them priceless.

Which is why I called Milo.

Derek!

Milo!

You old dog!

-You look great. -You liar.

Milo Javits, I'd like you to meet Alexandra Moreau.

-Hello. -Nice to meet you.

Milo has the best eye for antiques I've ever known.

Nothing like prison to further a man's education.

-Prison? -Derek didn't tell you. That's how we met.

How did you two meet?

Blockading Russian trawlers.

We worked with Greenpeace for a year.

Out to sea, saving whales. You must have some great stories.

Yes. But they are most unfortunately not fit

for polite conversation.

What's this?

A garden variety pot stone with a porcelain figurine.

Inscriptions look like Gaelic. Mine's a little rusty. Sorry.

A poitin. It's the Gaelic equivalent of moonshine.

Irish brew in a whisky jug. Seems appropriate.

From the glazing, I'd say it's 18th century Celtic.

Not especially valuable.

Well, maybe it's what's inside that's valuable.

Only one way to find out. Care to join me?

Well, actually, I'd like to save the drinks for dinner.

You know your problem, you've always been wound too tight.

Milo, why don't I show you your room?

-With pleasure. -Great.

-Lead the way, my lady. -Absolutely.

And then, I would like to see everything in those boxes.

Naughty boy.

I'll deal with you later, sweetheart.

Now, let's see what we have here.

Just a little.

Packs a bit of a kick.

Yes!

Holy mother!

He's me.

And I'm him.

That's impossible.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Apparently not.

Amazing.

But, how?

The witch's brew.

Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.

-Do I have to? -Of course, you do.

Relax, honey, tonight is going to be

the best night you have ever had in your whole life.

Yeah, right.

Well, it is. I promise.

Where's our star?

Well, I'm afraid she's having "Opening Night" butterflies.

-What? -Kat.

Come on! We gotta go. The show must go on. Let's go. Let's go!

Honey, you look so cute.

I can't believe I have to wear this dumb costume.

I can't even go home after it's done.

I know. It's hard.

But, hey, I spoke to the painter today, and he said they are almost finished.

So we can move back into our own house on Sunday.

-I feel sick, Mom. -Honey.

You're a trooper. I know you can do it.

I remember my first school play. I was so nervous.

I threw up right before I was supposed to go on.

Thanks, Alex.

That didn't stop me from giving it my all.

There.

I don't even have any lines. I get stuck in Charlotte's Web,

and then get eaten alive.

You have the most important role in this whole play.

Yeah. You're Charlotte's last meal.

Come on, Kat. You know the only way to beat your fear

is to face it with a smile.

Now, smile.

There you go.

Thanks, laddie.

And don't worry, I won't do nothing with yours,

that I wouldn't do with me own.

Up the airy mountain

Down the rushy glen

We dare not go-a-hunting

For fear of...

Damn.

It's your thumb, anyway.

For fear of little men

Kat, you look very natty tonight.

You're beginning to bug her.

This isn't very funny.

I thought Nick was supposed to be here.

Yeah, well, unfortunately his flight from Fiji's been delayed

so he won't be back until tomorrow night,

but he asked me to tell you to break a wing.

Come on.

Rachel, before you go, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine,

Milo Javits, who's gonna help us to appraise the Keane collection.

Milo, this is my associate, Dr. Rachel Corrigan.

-Hello. -Corrigan? Irish, are you?

A wee bit. My husband was Irish.

Kindred spirit.

And this precious colleen is yours?

You sure don't sound very Irish.

I'm not a colleen. I'm a fruit fly.

Fruit fly.

Kindred spirit? Come on.

You're not Irish. I thought you were Czechoslovakian from Minnesota.

Look at this.

Careful.

-It's so beautiful. -And so valuable. Let's just put it back.

Couldn't I put it in my room? Just for tonight.

We'll see when we get back.

Speaking of which we've got to be going. I'm sorry to rush off like this.

Hopefully, we'll get a chance to talk when we do get back.

Alex has been telling me some stories about you two.

-Knock 'em dead, Kat. -Okay.

So, tell me.

Tell you what?

No.

So, how was it?

-Great. -Good.

Then let's drink it together.

Well... to old times.

Packs a punch.

Cigar?

Why not?

One of the finer things.

I love aged whisky...

and a good cigar.

Me, too.

I'll be damned, it worked.

And who the hell might you be, mister?

Well, if I'm not mistaken, I'm your brother.

Sean MacStewart Culhane, yes.

It's me, Jimmy, in the flesh. Someone else's anyway.

Well, you don't sound like Sean.

Of course not. I'm stuck in this body, the same way you're stuck in that.

Voice and all.

Prove it.

Prove it?

You cracked your shin when you were a lad. It healed poorly.

And you favor the leg ever since.

Everyone who knew me would know as much.

You told Mum and Dad a horse threw you,

but you really broke it dropping off the loft of Hagerty's barn,

after we broke into it to steal a cow.

What did we do with the cow?

We traded it for a pistol, remember?

Fenians forever. Home rule. God bless James Stephens.

God bless James Stephens, indeed.

-My brother, you say. -Yeah.

Well, brother... here's a toast.

Here's to all the trouble you got me out of.

Here's for all the trouble you got me in.

So where exactly do you think we are?

Good question.

Mary Joseph and Julia.

What the hell is that?

It's either the biggest damn bridge in hell, or the Pearly Gates.

Yeah.

Well, one thing's for sure.

We're not in Ireland anymore.

So who the hell is he?

His name's Derek. He's you.

-Me? -Yeah. Have a look.

You must be joking.

Does it look like I'm joking?

He's out colder than a mackerel.

Yeah, just like mine.

I'll tell you, they're not much for drinking.

Too bad yours is such an ugly bugger.

Watch your mouth. You're no prize yourself.

So what happened to me?

Now, think back, Jimmy, what's the last thing you remember?

I remember going in to Derry to give Catholics hell on a Friday night.

All right, and we were out to make a few extra pounds on the side, remember?

Yeah, we broke into the house, the big house.

Old Margaret Keane's manor.

They said she was a witch, only we didn't believe 'em.

She caught us red-handed.

Yeah. But remember how good she was about it.

Didn't call the constable or nothin'.

A regular sweetheart about it. In fact, I remember, she offered us a drink.

Right.

Out of this jug.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

And we were humoring her, because we thought she was daft.

Here. Read this.

"The spirits distilled here within

Are souls of two troublesome kin

If they escape, they'll make troubles

In twos and in doubles"

That's us.

Yeah.

She put a spell on us!

What did you expect? She was a damn witch.

With magical powers, she hexed us good,

by pouring us a dram and we were dumb enough to drink it.

So our bodies are gone?

Yeah. And our spirits wound up in the jug.

Damn!

She trapped us like two ships in a bottle.

When he took a drink from the jug,

your spirit slipped out and took his shape, same way mine did.

So, if I look like him,

and you look like the other fella,

what happened to them?

Well, he's still breathing.

So, as near as I can figure it,

as long as we've got their bodies, they're dead to the world.

And when he wakes up, what happens to me?

I hadn't thought of that.

-You didn't? -No.

I put him in one of these boxes. I couldn't very well have two of me

wandering around the same house, now, could I?

Smart move, Sean.

Too bad you weren't that bright when we were running together.

So, I guess what we will do is we bury them both

as soon as the sun comes up.

Perfect.

There's others. They went out, but I reckon,

How many?

Two ladies and a girl, got up like a fruit fly.

And you won't believe this,

one of the ladies is black, and the other one says she's a doctor.

I didn't. I swear it.

Milo from...

Minnesota.

Which I think is in Czechoslovakia.

This Derek and me, we go back a ways, they say.

Now what do you suppose they do, if they found out that he's not him

but really me? And you're not you,

but someone other than you're supposed to be.

Well, I don't think they'd be too happy about it, for starters.

No.

Well, there's one thing to say about this fellow Derek,

-he's got money to burn. -Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I'm thinking right from the get-go.

As soon as I came to, and looked around,

I knew I'd landed in a manor house for sure.

Yeah.

A manor house ripe for picking.

Look, they even got lighting in a bottle.

But why do you suppose they have all this junk laying about?

I can't imagine.

A house like this is bound to have hard cash hidden somewhere.

Well, they may have money, but their taste in food is disgusting.

Forget your stomach, let's get the gold.

Anything yet?

Nothing.

Listen.

Someone's coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we have a warm round of applause

for the star of tonight's show, Miss Katherine Corrigan.

She killed 'em.

She did?

I tripped and fell onto the web. I messed up.

No, you didn't, honey.

You improvised, that's all. You added your own special something to the evening.

Go on, up the wooden hill. Brush your teeth.

I'm sure you did a fine job, Katherine.

Did your mother proud.

So, how far did you boys get sorting through the boxes?

Not very far.

Well, I guess the Keane fort will have to wait one more day.

Maybe you'd like to join us for a drink?

-Derek. -Very funny. Maybe not.

-What about you, miss? -Miss?

Oh, Lord, you have had too much to drink.

I'll see you in the morning, okay?

A demain,Derek.

As you wish.

Good night to both of you.

As near as you can tell, am I married to either of them?

I don't think so.

That's a relief.

He knows I haven't had a drink in years.

I know. I mean, a little alcohol can turn men to boys.

I'll tell you, it's a little more than a little.

Well, they aren't feeling any pain, are they?

Not nearly as much as they're going to feel in the morning.

God bless them. Anyway, thank you for coming.

-Sleep tight. -Yeah. You, too.

Apples.

Do you know the last time I had an apple?

Shut up and keep looking.

Must have been the fall of 1794.

Funny. I'd forgotten how good they tasted.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Maybe there is no gold.

Don't be stupid.

Don't you remember the rich doctor's house we robbed in Mayo.

You mean the one with a secret panel behind the book case.

You think maybe there's one like that around here?

Let's try upstairs.

That's all the rooms in this floor.

There's still not a shilling in here.

-And that's not all. -It's not?

You know, Sean, something isn't right here.

What?

A grand house like this,

you'd expect they'd have horses and fine horses too.

Yeah, I suppose they would.

So what's missing?

-Manure. -Exactly.

Well, maybe, there are no horses in heaven.

I'm not thinking heaven anymore, Sean. Nor hell.

I'm thinking somewhere else entirely.

Entirely.

Books. And book cases.

There's money hidden here somewhere. I can just feel it.

Look at all these books.

I'm not leaving without something for our troubles.

What's the rush? Why don't we just take it easy?

Surely you must be joking. What about the women and the girl?

You think they won't be onto us by morning?

I suppose you're right.

Yeah, of course, I'm right.

Now help me find the secret panel.

Sean, look here.

What do you make of this?

I don't know, unless, we're dead.

I mean, you couldn't do that if we was alive, could you?

Well, I may be dreaming,

but I'm not dead.

Jimmy.

Sean come here and see. You should just try it.

-You're joking. -No, I'm not.

You won't believe what's in here.

Jimmy.

Can you hear me? What the hell!

Will you look at this?

-Jimmy! -Sean!

Come in here.

What? Come on, Jimmy, stop fooling about.

Jimmy.

Can you hear me?

Sean?

Mommy. Wake up.

Kat.

Honey, you scared me.

Good. That makes two of us.

Why? What's happening?

-It's Derek. -What about Derek?

There's two of him.

What the hell?

Stop fooling about now.

What's happened to you?

How did you get so small?

-Jimmy. -Sean.

How did you get in there?

Don't worry, Jimmy, I'm coming.

I'm coming, Jimmy!

Two Dereks. That's impossible.

No, it's not. I saw them both at the same time.

There's something really weird going on tonight.

You mean, as opposed to any other night.

Okay, I'll take a look.

I'll go get Alex.

Kat, just... Wait a minute.

Sean, talk to me!

Jimmy.

Yeah, right, it's me.

It's all right.

Sean, you should have seen it in there.

Pictures of you on the walls that move.

You're lying.

The hell I am. I saw you, big as life.

Well, almost anyway.

Good Lord, look at that.

Look at the date.

Nineteen-hundred and ninety-eight.

We're in the future, boy.

Way in the future.

Lord Almighty.

We've been born again.

I think...

I'm beginning to like being this fellow Derek.

Maybe we're making a mistake.

What kind of mistake?

Maybe we shouldn't grab the gold and go.

You mean...

-We should grab the gold and stay? -Why not?

This is my house.

You are my friend.

We'd live like kings. Who would know the difference?

The two ladies and the girl.

Remember you said yourself they'd be wise to us by the morning.

Next thing we know, they'll be calling the law.

Well, the answer is simple.

We kill 'em.

Rachel.

Good.

-Did she tell you? -About the two Dereks?

Yeah. As if one wasn't bad enough.

Why won't you guys believe me?

I believe you. Okay, exactly where did you see him, them?

Downstairs. One of them was in a box.

-A box? -What kind of box?

One of the ones they shipped all that stuff in.

Would you care to tell me exactly why you were downstairs looking in

packing crates instead of upstairs in your bed going to sleep?

Promise you won't get mad.

Yeah. If you tell me the truth.

I was looking for this.

I'm sorry, Alex, I only wanted to see it again.

That's okay. Why don't we put it back, all right?

Now you can tell me exactly where you saw these two Dereks.

We'll set this outside...

-And bury them both. -Where's yours?

There's so many damn boxes. It's in there somewhere.

It was right here.

Do you remember which crate it's in?

It was right by the door. It's gone.

Are you sure?

Now try to remember exactly what you did.

You had the angel, right?

No wonder it's chilly in here.

The door's open. I can't believe Derek went to bed

-and left the door open. -Ladies!

Oh, no.

Can we be of assistance?

Mom, the angel.

I broke it.

That's okay. I'd say, Derek scared you.

I'd say Derek scared all of us. It's...

Where were you?

Well, we were working late.

Late. Very late. Lots to do.

What brought you back down here?

I thought you were going to bed.

Kat thought she saw two of you.

Two of me?

Really? Where?

In a box. It's gone.

That's a relief. I hate to see...

more than one of me running around.

Yeah, well, I think it's just a case of overactive imagination.

It's time for bed, Kat.

-What about the angel? -Well, let's have a look.

It is cracked.

I can't really tell how bad it is. I... Tell you what...

Why don't we take it upstairs, put it through the scanner,

and see what we have, okay?

Can we?

Well, it's late, but...

Please, Mom.

Okay. And then, straight to bed.

-Thanks, Mom. -We won't be long.

And talking about bed, I mean, don't you think it's time

you boys called it a night. It's after midnight.

We'll lock up and see you in the morning.

Good night.

Good night.

Okay, we can just put it on the scanner here.

What's this?

It's a whisky jug.

Actually, it's where your angel came from in the first place.

See. Watch.

Fits in right there.

I can't believe Derek brought this up here.

What's this weird writing say?

It's Gaelic. Want to find out what it means?

-Okay. -Okay.

Let's put it here.

Cool.

Now, we just have to punch in the code.

"The spirits distilled here within Are souls of two troublesome kin

If they escape they'll make troubles In twos and in doubles

Until an angel's kiss puts them back in."

What a funny poem.

It's a limerick.

What's it mean?

I don't know, unless it has something to do with the Keane Manor.

Let's see.

Here we go. Keane Manor.

Built by Hanney Keane's famously eccentric grandmother, Margaret Keane, in 1787.

Derek.

Should have left well enough alone.

The White Witch of Ulster?

That's what they called her.

Witches and angels.

This gets weirder and weirder.

Two spirits who make trouble...

And an angel's kiss.

Can we take a look at the angel?

Of course, I'm sorry. That's what we came up here for, wasn't it?

All right. Put it on the scanner. I'll bring it up here.

Okay.

Well, it doesn't look too damaged.

It looks like it's hollow.

Hollow?

Yeah, if I'm not crazy,

I think it's filled with some sort of liquid.

Liquid?

Is it?

Derek, how much of this whisky have you had to drink?

Not much. Just a taste.

Well, listen, I'd stay away from it, because I think it's not safe.

What makes you think that?

Well, there's a warning on the jug.

But don't worry, I think the angel here holds the cure.

Sorry, you've got it wrong.

The real danger, it's what's inside the angel.

That's what old witchy Margaret Keane used to trick us,

so hand it over, now, like a sweet little girl.

Run, Kat!

Run!

So, you locked the woman in the closet?

But the little one got away. But no matter,

when we find the gold, we kill 'em all and no one will be the wiser.

But if the girl has the cure, she could be trouble.

Well, she's ten years old, how much trouble could she be?

Besides, having the cure doesn't mean she knows how to use it.

So, where do we look now?

Wait a minute! It's been right under our noses all along.

-What has? -The boxes.

She said something about a fortune, remember?

Mother always said you had the brains, Jimmy.

-Did she? -Yeah.

Rachel!

Help.

Alex, is that you?

Kat? Listen, open the door, honey.

It won't open. They locked it and took the key.

Okay, Kat, listen to me very carefully.

I want you to do exactly as I say.

-Do you still have the angel? -Yes.

I want you to go downstairs to the room across, but be very careful.

No, nay, never...

I've lost all me money

Sing it, Jimmy.

And it's no, nay, never

No, nay, never again

I'm not enslaved

Junk!

And it's no...

Junk!

No, nay ever again

I've lost all me money

Sing it, Jimmy.

No, nay, never again

I don't know, Jimmy.

Doesn't seem like we're having much luck.

There's only one way to do it.

Kill 'em now.

We get down to business and we force them to tell us where it is.

-And then we kill them. -Right.

Sorry, little angel.

-Where'd she go? -Not that far.

The easy way or the hard way.

Either way, you're coming with me.

Actually, I prefer the easy way.

Yes. You're my last.

Sorry, but I don't think so.

Okay, come on, we gotta get Kat.

It's the end of the line, ladies.

I love a spirited fight.

But this one's about over.

Don't count on it.

Why is that, little hooligan?

Bet you can't come up here and say that?

-You're on. -Wait, Sean, it's a trick.

Well, it's what put us in the jug in the first place.

Here, Mom, catch.

Get it!

-I got it! -Good!

Kat!

Grab her.

Guess again.

Bloody hell!

Yes.

And then, what did we do?

You made a complete mess.

-Cream and sugar? -With aspirin, please.

I still can't believe they did all that.

Well, one thing's for sure,

the Keane collection will never be the same.

Neither will I.

So where are Kat and Rachel?

Repairing the angel.

After what happened, I told her she could keep it.

Yeah. To say the least.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's fake.

Because they both look so alike.

But you just have to dig a little deeper.

Because it's what's inside that really counts.

It's like my mom says, "We should listen to our hearts."

And once we know what's really true, never be afraid to do the right thing.