Original subtitles

Summers: You're right on his tail, Flute

In 20 feet, follow him down the alley.

Flute: Too easy. Let's go around and surprise him.

Summers: Cross-referencing city maps.

There's a shortcut through the drugstore.

Flute: Good. I need to pick up more mustache dye.

Summers: Aisle 12. Right side. Top shelf.

Texting you a coupon for BOGO...now!

Woman: Flute?

You don't remember me from high school, do you?

Flute: Pfft. Of course. It's great to see you...

Summers: Running facial aging software on your yearbook.

Her name is...

Flute: Diana Leshay.

That was amazing.

Summers: In two inches, take her chin

with your thumb and forefinger.

Diana: Will I see you again?

Flute: Will you see me again?

Ahem.

Summers: Oh, uh...sure?

Man: Uhh.

How did you catch me?

Flute: Like I always do-- all by myself,

because I do it all.

Summers, take him to the station

and do whatever it is I do there.

[Whistling]

Summers: Our apartment's the other way.

[Flute whistling]

[Theme music playing]

♪

[Crack]

Wynona: Great job on the case, Flute.

And Summers?

Get this legend...a towel. [Crowd cheering]

[Wynona laughs]

Kang: You know, Summers, you also

contributed to this bust.

Summers: I helped, but Flute

did all the heavy lifting.

Well, except the actual heavy lifting

when there was a puddle and I carried him over it

because he didn't want to get his Chelsea Boots wet.

Kang: It's OK to want recognition,

whether it's for the work you do

or the ironic outfit

you wore to a party.

Summers: You're right. Thanks.

Kang: "Funny hat, Kang." Is that so hard?

Pentos: Therefore, to paraphrase Charles Darwin,

it is not the strongest that survive, but the most adaptable.

Khaleesi? Khaleesi: Yeah.

At what point in your life did you realize

you were naturally selected by no one?

[Laughter]

[School bell rings]

Pentos: How dare you speak to me like that?

During my confinement, I was known around the yard

as quite the bunk hunk.

[Muffled shouting]

Stan: Uhh!

Pentos: Stan! What are you doing

in this toilet paper chrysalis?

Stan: Khaleesi did this to me after I refused

to vote for her to be queen of the Parolecoming dance.

Pentos: You mean the cherished tradition where paroled convicts

are reintegrated into society through, what else,

a middle school dance?

Hmm. Then perhaps it is time

Khaleesi learned a lesson in survival of the fittest.

[Laughs]

Stan: Where are you going?

Pentos: I do my best thinking on the toity.

Summers: Dinner is served.

So, listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Flute: I know what you're gonna say.

You've been working a lot lately,

and maybe it is time for me

to finally recognize that.

I mean, you call this dinner?

I only see 4 food groups represented here.

How do you expect me to grow up to be big and strong?

Summers: I just feel like all the things

I do for you are taken for granted.

Flute: Well, of course they are. I'm the lead.

If I have to start appreciating everything,

I'll never have enough time to save the day.

Besides, you love cooking and cleaning.

It's therapeutic for you. Just like getting drunk

and pretending I'm in a confessional interview

on "The Real Housewives" is therapeutic for me.

If this man thinks I'm gonna make myself a sandwich,

he's gonna find his self in the recycling bin.

Summers: I can hear you!

♪

Man: Hello, kids. I'm your substitute teacher.

Dr. Pentos was not feeling well.

Khaleesi: He wasn't smelling well, either.

[Laughter] Man: Before I press play,

we have a new student joining us.

Say hi to Timpani.

[As Timpani]: My name is Timpani, like the drum

my parents conceived me on. I like K-Pop,

shading bubble letters, and pretzel bread.

Also, I'm shy.

[Click]

♪

[Lion growls]

Pentos: Psst, hey, Stan.

You nitwit. It's me.

[Stan gasps] Dr. Pentos? What are you doing?

Pentos: There is but one way

to take down a mean girl

and that is to become one.

Stan: There has to be other ways, but sure.

Pentos: Time for Operation Natural Selection.

[Lion growls] [Static]

Doctor: Here you can see the impacted feces

built up in Khaleesi's large intestine.

She'll need an emergency fecalectomy.

Khaleesi: Dad, why are you recording this?

Dad: I'm a modern parent. We record everything.

Khaleesi: Uhh!

[As Timpani]: Bruh. Not us watching

the most embarrassing video of all time.

[Laughter]

Khaleesi: Ohh! Girl: Ha ha ha!

Stan: You did it! You beat Khaleesi!

[School bell rings] Pentos: Ahh.

Back to being Pentos.

Girl: That was so sick, Timpani.

Want to have lunch with us?

[As Timpani]: Buy me some tots and I may.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What? It's just lunch. Then I'll stop.

Kang: Two male sex workers have been killed in the last week.

Judging by the matching purple lipstick kisses,

it seems we have a serial killer

in the Blue Light District.

Otis: What's the Blue Light District?

Kang: That's where the many, many, many

widows in Grimsburg go for companionship.

And I'm sending one of you undercover.

Flute: At your service.

Or should I say at her cervix?

Kang: It's OK, Flute. We have a volunteer.

Flute: Who? Otis? You can't send him into that part of town.

It could keep him out past his bedtime.

Otis: Bedtime? What am I, a baby? Aah!

Sorry, everyone. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Kang: Yeah, it's not Otis. Flute: So it's Martinez?

You're having a lady dress up as a man

instead of hiring an actual man for the job

hashtag representation matters?

-It's Summers. -Come on, Kang.

Donna Summers died a long time ago.

And as much as I'd love to love her on the force,

you have to let that dream go.

Kang: No, Greg Summers, which means

you'll be in the van as his support.

Flute: OK, Kang, is this another one of your lessons?

Fair enough. Thanks to you, I've learned [mumbles]

and that sometimes [mumbles] but ultimately, [mumbles].

There. Lesson learned.

Kang: It's not a lesson. I just think he's--

Flute: Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, fine.

I just can't wait to sit back and watch Summers fail.

It'll give me plenty of time to practice

my snarky, little bitch laugh.

Ha ha! No. Hmm-hmm-hmm.

Ooh, that hurt my feelings.

Summers: As support, you're my eyes and ears in the van.

These TVs are linked to surveillance cams,

and this gives you access to city files.

Flute: Got it. And which one has Paramount+?

You know I needs my "Yellowstone."

Summers: There's no TV in here.

Flute: Fine. I'll watch on my phone.

I just hope Tiny Costner's bravery

doesn't get lost on this cracked screen.

Summers: I'm in. Run a scan on--

Woman: I'm sorry, but the Blue Light District

is for widows only.

Summers: Actually, I'm looking for a job, ma'am.

Woman: Are ya now? Well dressed,

refreshingly polite, built like an industrial SodaStream.

Miss Mavis. I'm the himp around here.

A himp is like a pimp, but for hims.

Summers: Oh! That's cute.

Miss Mavis: It better be. I'm getting my master's

from Grimsburg's top school

for wordplay--Pun College.

Summers: Pun State was taken?

Miss Mavis: Heh. The stable of men I manage

provide companionship to widows who miss

certain things about their husbands.

You'll clean,

you'll share their interests,

you'll hang a flat screen TV.

[Women laugh]

We sit in that sweet spot

between a grief counselor and the Geek Squad.

But to know if you're the right man for this job,

I'll need you to build this desk from IKEA.

There's no instructions and only a flathead screwdriver. Go.

Summers: Flute, run a LIDAR scan,

cross-reference the output to IKEA's latest catalog,

and download a PDF of the instructions.

-Hold on...got it! -Flute, I--

Flute: Can't right now. Busy watching white men in cowboy hats

turn back the cultural clock.

Summers: I'm sorry. I wanted to build it for you,

but I can't. I should go.

Miss Mavis: Yeah, you should go home...

and rest up, because you're hired.

That test was designed to be unsolvable.

Because admitting defeat is the sexiest thing

a man can do, outside of a well-timed

"You're too good a friend for her."

You'll do well here... Summers: Greg.

Miss Mavis: No. From now on, you're Richard Gears.

That's the kind of stuff you get for 60 grand a year.

[School bell rings]

Pentos: Change of plan! Evolution forces animals to adapt,

so, we're not done yet.

[As Timpani] Hey, Lil. That top is slay.

Stan: It kinda seems like you want to keep

pretending to be a teen girl.

Pentos: Nonsense! We must make sure

Khaleesi wins Queen of the Parolecoming.

[As Timpani] Oh, Stan, you're so funny

and have an impressive quantity of rizz.

Of course I'll be your girlfriend.

Khaleesi: You're going out with this loser?

[As Timpani]: Loser? Using the transitive property

of popularity, if I,

the hottest girl in school, go out with him,

then that makes Stan the coolest boy here.

[Skates gasps] It's true.

Khaleesi: This isn't over. [Groans]

Stan: Wait, now we're dating?

Pentos: Stan, it's so simple. As the mean girl,

her obvious next move is to destroy me

by stealing my boyfriend.

She'll ask you to the dance,

you will accept, and then,

during her coronation, you will

dump her in front of the entire school.

Ha ha ha ha!

Stan: That plan doesn't sound so simple.

Pentos: Stop judging me! Boys are the worst! Aah!

Kang: Oh, she hired you right on the spot, huh?

Nice detective work, Summers.

Flute: Please. He got a job as a sex worker who doesn't have sex.

That's like landing a gig as a chef who doesn't cook.

Or a doctor who doesn't heal.

Or a DoorDash driver who doesn't have

a roll of "sealed for safety" stickers in his car

so he can reseal the bag after

he's done licking all your food.

Wynona: Hold on. Miss Mavis is giving you

health insurance, life insurance, and dental?

Flute: Can LED teeth even get cavities?

Pfft. Ha ha ha! Right? What?

Summers: Great question. As my support,

why don't you look that up for me

while I'm out solving the case?

[Door slams]

Kang: Did Summers just stand up to you?

Flute: Please. I've seen better standing up

at a paraplegic sporting event.

And I can say that because

I've actually been to one.

Because I care.

And I misunderstood

what "murderball" was.

♪

[Women gasp]

[Women groan]

Woman: And then she had the nerve

to say it was my fault.

Summers: You're too good a friend for her.

Woman: Exactly.

Summers: Excuse me for a moment.

Flute, cross-check her license plate

with the traffic cams on the nights of the murders.

V-3-G--

Flute: Hold on. Where's the V?

-It's next to the B. -Where is that?

None of these letters are in order.

What did you do to this keyb--

Oh, I found it. Second letter?

-It's a 3. -There are numbers on here, too?

Summers: Uhh!

♪

Flute, enable wireless attack vectors

to gain access to this Jane's phone.

Flute: On it. Summers, enable wireless attack vectors

to gain access to this Jane's phone.

-I'm not there! -Oh. Then I can't do it.

♪

Summers: This looks delicious. Woman: No, no.

Just eat in awkward silence.

Mm. Yeah, that's the stuff.

Flute: Thank God you're home. I almost had to use your credit card

to DoorDash dinner. What are you making us?

Summers: You don't take care of me out there,

so I'm not taking care of you in here.

Make yourself a sandwich.

Flute: Oh, and how exactly do you

propose I do that, huh?

Should I just magically

get all the ingredients out

and insert them into the bread manually?

I don't solve sandwiches, I solve cases.

Summers: Not this one. I'm the one killing it out there now.

Miss Mavis said I'm a million-dollar find,

which is why she invited me to an Eyes Wide Open

Listening Orgy tomorrow.

She said everyone will be there,

which means so will our killer.

-Beginner's luck. -Then where's yours?

You stink at support.

Flute: Pfft. I could do your job if I tried.

Summers: Then why don't you? I'll tell you why.

Because you're too scared to try.

You can come to the party tomorrow, but

I'll handle it all-- lead and support.

Flute: Fine by me. And speaking of doing it all,

did we land on what kind of sandwich you're making me?

Stan: Oh! [Coughing]

-Eat much? -Huh?

Dr. Pentos? What happened to Timpani?

Pentos: Change of plan. Now I'm Devin,

the new kid from Texas.

Darwin says females are drawn

to dominant males for survival.

Once Khaleesi sees you fight me,

she will immediately be attracted.

Here she comes. [As Devin] Say, pardner,

them there those they're fighting words at me.

Let's fight.

Stan: Uhh! Devin: Uhh!

Khaleesi: You hit him? Stan: Yep.

He shoulda known better than to mess with

72 pounds of overly medicated muscle!

-You're a bully. -I know.

Wait. But you're a bully.

Khaleesi: I was, until Timpani hurt my feelings

and showed me how bad it is.

Are you all right...?

[Pentos as Devin] Devin. Khaleesi: Devin.

Would you want to be my date

to the Parolecoming Dance?

Devin: I reckon I do, ma'am.

Khaleesi: Great. See you there.

Stan: What the hell is going on? Pentos: Change of plan.

Stan: You've changed it so much, I'm starting to wonder

if there was even a plan in the first place.

Pentos: Wow. No wonder you're eating alone.

♪

Summers: She's gotta be here somewhere.

Flute: If you're asking me to run an analysis

on the guests, don't bother,

because though you can't see it,

my arms are crossed,

making it impossible to help,

or to scratch the itch on my chin.

Uhh, this really itches, but I can't risk

uncrossing my arms and helping.

Robotic voice: Using spectral analysis

to scan for purple lipstick.

Flute: Damn it!

Robotic voice: One match found.

Flute: Purple lipstick went up the stairs.

Summers: Still not helping since I already saw that.

Flute: I think I saw the door close on the last room on the right.

Summers: Run a thermal heat scan.

You know how to do that, right?

Flute: Uh, yeah. I'm not an idiot.

That's them in there.

Summers: Freeze! You're all--

supportive boyfriends helping her get

the best angle to slay these photos, Queen?

[All screaming]

Flute? Flute? Flute!

Flute: Did you eat any of these hot wings?

Man: No. See? It's still sealed.

Sticker no broken. Sticker no lie.

Flute: This is a child's scratch and sniff sticker.

[Moped zooms off]

[Flute sniffs] Mm. Gasoline.

Summers: I want Flute off my case.

He purposely misled me because he's jealous

I was about to solve it. Flute: Pfft. Do you think

I'd ever listen to you closely enough to even

know the right moment to screw you over?

Martinez: You're off the case, Flute, but so are you, Summers.

Your cover's blown. Summers: What?

But I had on a mask. I could have been

any lovable, pear-shaped cyborg.

Martinez: It's too risky. I can't send you back in there.

Dismissed.

I said dismissed!

Summers: Nobody said anything. Martinez: I know,

but I love doing that.

♪ [Ankle monitor beeping]

Pentos: I'm worried you may not become king

after punching Devin. So I took the liberty

of stuffing the ballot boxes for you and Khaleesi.

Speaking of, where are she and Devin?

Stan: What? You're Devin. Pentos: There she is.

[Devin and Khaleesi laugh]

Stan: How did you-- Devin: Where's your gal?

[Stan whimpers] Khaleesi: I knew you were a loser.

[Devin and Khaleesi laugh]

♪ [Devin mouthing words]

[Door opens] Summers: Look who it is.

My bess frin Fruit.

-Are you drunk? -Isn't this what

all lead detectives do?

I let my battery go under 5%

so Low Power Mode kicks in

and that's basically like being drunk.

It shuts off non-essential functions like

proper pronunciation, caring, and holding back burps.

[Burps] Outta my way.

I gotta figure this case out.

[Phone rings] Telephone hello?

Miss Mavis: Richard Gears! Thank God.

I have a special client for you to meet tonight.

I'll send you her address and you can meet me there.

Summers: You bet. Shine to time!

Flute: But Martinez pulled you off the case.

You can't go rogue.

Going rogue is my thing.

Summers: You gonna stop me?

Go ahead. Try.

Imagine that was a gun.

Flute: Fine. See if I care. Which I don't,

because I only care about telling you to see if I care,

which I don't. See above.

[Chewing]

I made a sandwich all by myself.

And the meat is inside the bread.

No. Yeah, That's right. And if I can do that,

then I can do this.

Wynona: Life insurance? Life insurance?

Life insurance.

Summers: Miss Mavis said I'm a million-dollar find.

Million-dollar find. Million-dollar find.

Otis: Have I talked to you this episode?

I don't think I have. I don't think I have.

Hi there.

[Flute gasps]

Pentos: It is time for the winners.

[Drumroll] This year's queen is Khaleesi.

[Cheering and applause]

And the king is... [Drumroll]

Devin?

Man: Hey! Where's Devin?

Pentos: Uh, I, I believe he's backstage.

[Grunting]

[Cheering and applause]

Khaleesi: Thanks, but this belongs to the girl

who taught me what being a queen really means--Timpani.

[Cheering and applause]

[As Devin] And I will go get her.

[Grunting]

[Cheering and applause]

[As Timpani] Consider me gooped, gagged,

and girling out to this win.

Blessed vibes, no cap, gotta-goo.

Khaleesi: Don't forget your dance with the king.

[As Timpani]: Right. Of course. Let me fetch Devin.

Stan: How's he gonna pull this off?

Mr. Flesh: Is "not convincingly" an option?

♪

Pentos: Ha ha ha! Yee-ha! What the hell? [Babbling]

Aah! [Crowd gasps]

Khaleesi: Predator eats prey. That's called Dar-winning.

[Pentos groaning]

[Stan gasps] She knew it was him the whole time.

Mr. Flesh: Yeah, I think everyone did.

[Beeping] Summers: Miv Mazis,

you got a plug I could use?

Miss Mavis: Oh, I got something I could plug you with.

Sorry, but I need your life insurance money

to pay for wordplay school.

I've decided to get a second degree in burns.

Flute: Summers, get down!

Miss Mavis: Ugh!

[Tires screech]

Flute: You're at 1%. To save power,

turn off your vision and reroute

everything left to your legs.

Summers: But I won't be able to see.

Flute: You won't need to. I'll be your eyes.

20 yards ahead and right.

Summers: Oh!

Flute: Then another 50, turn around, and stop.

Summers: Uhh. It's a dead end.

Miss Mavis: Sadly, most sex work is.

Now, why is my professor never around

when I make a good one?

[Beeping]

Summers: Oh, my head hurts.

If this is what being lead is like,

then I prefer the support role.

It's got a much nicer view--you.

Flute: And while I don't want to be support,

I now appreciate how hard it is.

Even the toilet in there is impossible to use.

Summers: We don't have a toilet in the van.

Flute: Ah. Then you may want to avoid using

the all-in-one printer for a while.

Summers: Hi! We had fun tonight,

but we also dealt with some serious subjects.

Flute: If you or someone you know

is involved in or thinking about

switching places with their partner, don't.

Summers: It's not worth it. I'm a beta.

Flute: And I'm a raging alpha-holic.

We're where we are for a reason.

Why fight it? Thanks for listening.

Now let's celebrate and go get a prostitute.

[Buzz]

Damn! Almost made it through the show

without saying that word. Summers: You can't say that?

Flute: You can't say a lot of things, Summers.

Don't even get me started on "Gypsy"--the musical!

Now I'm covered.

Person: Bento. [Cheering]