Original subtitles

SHHH!

OK, FELLOWS, LISTEN UP.

LET'S LISTEN UP!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR ATTITUDE.

I REALLY DON'T.

OK, THINGS HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN EASY FOR US RECENTLY.

HEY, I KNOW THAT,

BUT LET'S REMEMBER ONE THING-- WEE A TEAM.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER.

TONIGHT'S MATCH COULD BE OUR BREAKTHROUGH.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?

WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?

WE LOST IT THREE WEEKS AGO,

THE LAST TIME WE GOT PAID.

OUR LAST PROMOTER WAS MUGGED.

HE WASN'T MUGGED, MAN.

HE CONNED YOU.

JACK McGIVER WILL BE HERE TONIGHT

WITH THE MONEY.

HE'D BETTER BE.

LET'S HAVE A GOOD WORKOUT.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A GOOD WORKOUT

IF IT BIT YOU ON YOUR ASS.

WE NEED A REAL COACH!

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

GET OUT THERE!

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

LESS SMOKING, MORE SKATING, DIESEL.

VERY ATTRACTIVE HABIT.

COME ON, THAT'S RIGHT.

COME ON, PEE WEE.

GOOD HUSTLING.

THIS YOUR TEAM?

YEAH. PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

WHERE ARE THEY PLAYING?

THEY'RE PLAYING RIGHT HERE.

NO.

NO.

NOT TONIGHT OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.

WE'RE CLOSED.

THIS PLACE GETS DEMOLISHED TOMORROW.

I'M KICKING YOU OUT.

JACK McGIVER SAID--

McGIVER? THAT CROOK?

YOU BEEN HAD, BUDDY.

NOW, GO ON. BEAT IT.

GOOD WORK, PEE WEE!

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

GOOD ATTITUDE.

OK!

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. KEEP IT UP.

THAT'S THE WAY.

THAT'S IT! STOP!

GET OUT OF HERE!

VACATE THE PREMISES.

IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.

OUT OF MY WAY! WHERE IS HE?

RANGELOFF, WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!

SON OF A BITCH!

[HORNS HONK]

COME ON!

GOOD MORNING, MR. LATIMER.

YOU'RE LATE.

ENGINE TROUBLE.

SORRY TO HEAR YOUR DAUGHTER'S MISSING.

MISSING, HELL. KIDNAPED.

WOULD YOU GIVE ME SOME DETAILS?

CAN'T. GOT A BOARD MEETING.

GET IT FROM THE FBI.

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY WAS IN THAT SAFE?

NO ONE GETS THIS RICH

WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE EVERY NICKEL IS.

POLICE CHIEF NORRIS, DEPUTY DUNAWAY.

ORMOND, FBI.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW, CHIEF?

NOTHING MUCH. YOU?

I MEAN ABOUT THE CASE.

HUH?

I'LL FILL YOU IN.

SOME TIME BETWEEN 11:00 LAST NIGHT

AND 7:00 THIS MORNING,

RANDALL LATIMER'S ONLY CHILD,

28-YEAR-OLD GEORGIANA LATIMER,

DISAPPEARED FROM THIS HOUSE

WITH AN UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF MONEY,

PRESUMABLY A LARGE AMOUNT,

JUDGING BY THE SIZE OF THAT SAFE.

HE TURNED THE CORNER!

♪ ROUND, ROUND, GET AROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ YEAH, GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M A REAL COOL HEAD ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M MAKIN' REAL GOOD BREAD ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M GETTIN' BUGGED ♪

♪ DRIVIN' UP AND DOWN THE SAME OLD STRIP ♪

♪ I GOTTA FIND A NEW PLACE ♪

♪ WHERE THE GIRLS ARE HIP ♪

♪ MY BUDDIES AND ME ♪

♪ ARE GETTIN' REAL WELL KNOWN ♪

♪ YEAH, THE BAD GUYS KNOW US ♪

♪ AND THEY LEAVE US ALONE ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M A REAL COOL HEAD ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M MAKIN' REAL GOOD BREAD ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ ROUND ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, ROUND ♪♪

WHICH WAY?

HELLO.

I'M THE DISTRICT SALES REPRESENTATIVE

FOR GLIDE-AWAY SKATES.

WE'RE TRYING TO DRAMATIZE--

OH, MY GOD.

■■

YOU HAVE A GUN!

DON'T SHOOT.

OK, THE TRUTH.

FIVE WOMEN ON ROLLER SKATES ARE AFTER ME.

FIVE WOMEN AFTER YOU?

I SWEAR TO GOD.

IT'S TOO CRAZY TO BE A LIE.

FIVE?

YOU MUST BE GOOD.

RANGELOFF, YOU CREEP!

COULD WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION INSIDE?

WHERE ARE YOU?

YOU READ MY MIND.

RANGELOFF, WE'LL GET YOU!

MR. LATIMER SAYS SHE WAS KIDNAPED.

WHOEVER HEARD OF KIDNAPERS

TAKING THE RANSOM FIRST?

THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME.

DUNAWAY, ARE YOU LISTENING?

TAKE SOME NOTES!

I LIVE CLOSE BY.

DO YOU MIND IF I GO HOME NOW?

TAKE YOUR TIME. WE'LL BE HERE.

GOOD DEAL.

COME ON!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

OH.

OHH!

DIDN'T KNOW I COULD HOLD MY BREATH THAT LONG,

DID YOU?

NO.

I CAN HOLD IT LONGER.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK MY HUSBAND.

YOUR HUSBAND? WHAT'S HE DO?

HE'S CHIEF OF POLICE.

OH!

DON'T WORRY.

HE NEVER COMES HOME TILL DARK.

ESTELLE!

OH, DEAR.

IT'S HIM.

HIM?

HIM, WHO?

MY HUSBAND.

YOUR HUSBAND?

ESTELLE!

SHE'S AT IT AGAIN.

YOU STAY HERE.

ESTELLE!

ESTELLE!

[CRASH]

WHOSE SKATE IS THIS?

THE PLUMBER'S.

THE PLUMBER'S SON.

THE TUB DRAIN WAS STOPPED UP,

AND HE SKATED OVER TO FIX IT.

YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?

THERE YOU GO, MA'AM.

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL HAVE

ANY MORE PROBLEMS WITH THAT DRAIN.

NOW, CHIEF, UH...

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE HAD A ROUGH DAY.

DON'T THINK THAT FRONTAL NUDITY, SEEMING PROXIMITY

CONSTITUTE EVIDENCE--

BEND OVER.

SORRY?

TURN AROUND AND BEND OVER.

FINE.

THAT'S FINE.

[CLICK]

ONE FALSE MOVE,

AND YOU'LL GET A .38 ENEMA.

THAT'S FINE, TOO.

THAT'S GOOD WORK, FEENY.

OVER AND OUT.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

FINALLY GOT A MAKE ON YOU, RANGELOFF.

HOW? I'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED.

YOU LIVED WITH A GUY

WITH A MILE-LONG RECORD WITH BUNKO--

ROBERT STURDEVENT, ALIAS BOB STURDY, ALIAS STU ROBINSON.

HOW ABOUT CENTURY MILESTONE?

CENTURY? I DON'T KNOW HIM.

YEAH, I BET.

PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON.

HOW?

I KNOW MY RIGHTS. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

AFTER WHAT YOU DONE, I CAN DO ANYTHING.

"KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN-- CENTURY."

GIVE ME THAT. ■

OOH! OW!

HEY. YOU ALL RIGHT?

COME HERE.

COME HERE.

LET ME SEE WHAT THIS IS.

I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE FATAL.

YOU BETTER STOP CRYING.

HEY, MISS, TAKE OUR PICTURE, PLEASE?

GET YOUR PICTURE TOOK.

HOW'S THAT, HUH?

OK, LET'S GO.

[CLICK]

NEXT TIME YOU REACH FOR ANYTHING,

I'LL PISTOL-WHIP YOU.

NOW GET DRESSED.

TRY DOWN HERE ONE MORE TIME.

I'M TIRED.

SHUT UP, PEE WEE.

CHIEF, LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK OUT!

SORRY.

COME ON. LET'S STOP HIM.

DUNAWAY!

WHERE DID THAT GUY COME FROM?

HEY, YOU! GET OUT OF MY WAY!

THAT'S ALL WE NEED--

GET HIT BY A POLICE CAR.

WHAT'S THIS COFFIN CRAP?

LET'S PUT THE MONEY IN A SUITCASE AND GO T.W.A.

YOUR PICTURE'S EVERYWHERE.

WIDOWS AREN'T ASKED QUESTIONS.

WE'RE SAFE ONCE WE'RE ON THE TRAIN.

♪ ROUND, ROUND, GET AROUND ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ YEAH, GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I GET AROUND ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ ALL OVER TOWN ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M A REAL COOL HEAD ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M MAKIN' REAL GOOD BREAD ♪

♪ GET AROUND, ROUND, ROUND, I GET AROUND ♪

♪ I'M GETTIN' BUGGED ♪

♪ DRIVIN' UP AND DOWN THE SAME OLD STRIP ♪♪

WHAT WILL THIS GET ME IN A 39 REGULAR?

GET SOME OF THOSE FLAGS DOWN HERE.

WHERE ARE WE FORMING UP?

THAT'S NEW YORK CITY, SIR.

GIVE ME THE FLAGS, WILL YOU?

GET INSIDE.

THERE YOU GO.

ISN'T THE HAT TOO SMALL?

GET A HAIRCUT. WELL, DEAL?

THAT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH CASH YOU'LL GIVE ME,

PLUS THE CLOTHES.

WHO SAID CASH?

THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE WATCH.

LEAVE THE CLOTHES AND WEAR THE WATCH.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

I'LL TAKE IT.

DUNAWAY, HE JUST DIDN'T DISAPPEAR.

HE'S GOT TO BE HERE.

HE'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

CAN'T YOU MAKE THIS THING GO FASTER?

I SAID YOU BE HOME AT 3:00!

WANT TO BUY A BOOK ABOUT GEORGE HARRISON?

I DON'T LIKE THE BEATLES.

THEY CAN'T HAVE A PARADE WITHOUT FLAGS.

WATCH IT!

I'LL GO LOOK FOR THAT FLAG DETAIL.

COME ON. WE DON'T GOT ALL DAY.

I DON'T BELIEVE THE WAY YOU WIN.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

CARE FOR A LITTLE FLUTTER, SARGE?

AH, NO. CARRY ON.

JESUS!

LOOK OUT! MPs!

HOLD IT, SERGEANT.

IS THAT FLAG YOURS?

YEAH.

DON'T RUN, JUST DON'T RUN.

■

STOP!

THERE'S FIVE BUCKS FOR YOU IF YOU STOP.

YES, SIR!

HEE-YAA!

I'LL ASK THE OFFICE

TO KEEP A LOOK OUT FOR HER.

[RADIO] ♪ SING OF HAPPY, NOT SAD ♪

♪ SING ♪

♪ SING A SONG ♪

♪ MAKE IT SIMPLE... ♪♪

OK, I'M MOVING.

THERE'S A SOLDIER ON PLATFORM 3

BESIDE A FLAG-DRAPED COFFIN.

TAKE THIS TO HIM. I'LL PAY YOU.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE FLYING TO RENO.

I'M STAYING WITH THE MONEY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF SOLDIER BOY.

I CAN'T GO TO THE AIRPORT.

THERE ARE COPS THERE.

AIRPORT? IT'S AN EMPTY LOT.

THE PILOT OWES ME A FAVOR.

HURRY UP THERE, BOYS.

WHERE DID THE WIDOW GO?

WHO?

OH, NEVER MIND.

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS?

FROM THE LADY IN BLACK.

NO REPLY REQUESTED.

BOARD!

HELLO, SIR.

I REMEMBER THE OLD PRESIDENTS

BETTER THAN THE NEW ONES--

GARFIELD, McKINLEY, ROOSEVELT--

I'M NOT MUCH AFTER 1933.

TRY ME BEFORE THAT, AND I'M DEAD ON.

THERE WAS TAFT, McKINLEY,

HERBERT HOOPER-- UH, HOOSIER.

WHATEVER IT WAS.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I JUST WENT--

I REMEMBER WHEN AMRAIL

TOOK OVER THE RAILROADS.

THEY TRIED TO GIVE ME THE BOOT.

I WAS OVER 65.

I WROTE THE PRESIDENT.

OF THE RAILROAD?

UNITED STATES.

THE RAILROAD PRESIDENT IS DEAD.

BUT HE HAD PROMISED ME

I COULD STAY ON UNTIL I DROPPED.

SO I SAYS, "MR. NICKERSON--"

NIXON?

NIXON, THAT'S HIS NAME.

I SAYS TO HIM,

"A PROMISE IS A PROMISE."

WHEN I GOT HIS LETTER OF COMMENDATION,

NOBODY DARED FIRE ME.

NIXON GAVE YOU A COMMENDATION?

HAD TO.

WHY?

I SENT A XEROXED COPY OF MY LETTER

TO WALTER CRONKITE.

THAT WAR YOU WAS IN, THAT WAS IN CHINA?

CLOSE ENOUGH.

WHO WON?

NOBODY.

YOUR BUDDY IN THAT BOX,

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

BIDDLECOFF.

CORPORAL LANE BIDDLECOFF.

WHERE DOES HE LIVE?

HIGH RIVER, NEBRASKA.

WE DON'T STOP THERE.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I'LL GO TO THE STOP BEYOND HIGH RIVER.

THE COFFIN TAG SAYS NEW YORK CITY.

CLOSE ENOUGH.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

COMING INTO RENO.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

YEAH.

I GOT WORK TO DO.

YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY

FOR THE DINING CAR.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE WAY.

SHIT.

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK 7,

THE AMRAIL STREAMLINER,

SAN DIEGO FROM OAKLAND.

PASSENGERS WILL DEPART THROUGH GATE 3.

BOBBY!

OH, YOU...

[CLUNK]

[TELEVISION] I ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS IN MY TUB.

HE SAID HE WAS THE PLUMBER'S SON.

AND YOU BELIEVED HIM?

OF COURSE NOT. HE WAS...UNDRESSED

AND HE FORCED YOU TO UNDRESS?

THAT WAS AN UNFOUNDED RUMOR

CIRCULATED BY MY EX-DEPUTY...

WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN?

YOUR PILOT LANDED TWICE FOR DIRECTIONS.

WEREN'T YOU GETTING RID OF HIM?

I AM.

THESE BOOTS SURE HURT.

YOU AIN'T USED TO WEARING THEM THINGS,

NOW ARE YOU?

I'LL SAY IT ONCE.

GET ON THAT TRAIN, YOU'RE DEAD.

WHAT?

DEAD.

[TELEVISION] VICE PRESIDENT AGNEW

TOOK THE OFFENSIVE YESTERDAY

AGAINST REPORTS THAT HE TOOK KICKBACKS

FROM GOVERNMENT CONTRACTORS,

DENOUNCING THE CHARGES AS LIES.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

PROBABLY CALLING HIS MOTHER

TO SAY HE'S CATCHING A LATER TRAIN.

IT'S MICHAEL.

IS CENTURY THERE?

WHERE IS HE?

DON'T GIVE ME THE NUMBER.

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE I AM.

JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

BOARD!

AS A COUNTERMOVE TO THE WATERGATE HEARINGS,

H.R. HALDEMAN, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF,

PROPOSED LEAKING A STORY THAT GEORGE McGOVERN...

SURE SCARED HIM OFF.

...FATHERED AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD.

SON OF A BITCH!

FBI.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HIS SHOES.

DON'T BOARD HERE. IT'S RISKY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M NOT LATIMER'S DAUGHTER.

THE PILOT WILL FLY YOU TO OGDEN.

ONCE YOU'RE THERE,

THE MONEY WILL BE IN A BAG.

SOLDIER BOY WILL BE IN A COFFIN.

HOPE MY INFORMERS HELPED.

MY SUSPECT SHOULD BE ON THIS TRAIN.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M A CRIPPLE, RIGHT?

WELL, I--

SERGEANT STUD TO THE RESCUE.

I JUST WANTED TO--

TO SHOW ME YOUR MUSCLES.

IT'S SUPER FAG.

FORGET IT.

NO, NO, NO, GO AHEAD.

HELP ME.

IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR SOME BASTARD TO RUIN MY LIFE.

WHY SHOULDN'T IT BE YOU?

OH, SIT, SIT.

I'M A MASOCHIST.

IF YOU'RE NOT A FAG,

WHY WAS HE HOLDING YOUR ARM?

DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

WHY IS HE STARING AT US THEN?

EVERYONE'S STARING AT US.

YOU WANT TO STARE?

YOU WANT TO STARE AT ME?

I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO STARE AT.

TA-DA!

PEOPLE.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR CIGARETTES, RIGHT?

YOU WON'T FIND ANY,

AND YOU'LL TRY TO BUM ONE FROM ME.

YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE SHIT

AND THEN MOOCH A CIGARETTE.

I DON'T SMOKE.

[GARGLES]

I HAVE AN IDEA.

LET'S TRY TO HAVE A NORMAL CONVERSATION.

IT'S A LONG TRAIN RIDE.

IF I'M SO FUCKING BORING,

WHY DON'T YOU CATCH A PLANE?

MY BUDDY'S LYING IN A BAGGAGE CAR.

YOUR BUDDY? WOO, WOO!

HE'S A FAGGOT, TOO, RIGHT?

WHAT'S HE DOING THERE,

WAITING FOR THE CONDUCTOR

TO PUNCH HIS TICKET?

HE'S IN A CASKET. CAMBODIA. LAND MINE.

I'M BRINGING HIM HOME.

YOU PRICK.

NOW I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT.

YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE,

JUST LIKE RORY USED TO DO.

I'M SORRY, REALLY.

I KNOW MY FAULTS.

RORY REMINDED ME OF THEM FOR TWO YEARS.

SO WHY DID I MARRY HIM?

I'M AN ACTRESS.

ACTRESSES SHOULD STAY VULNERABLE.

RORY'S AN ACTOR, TOO?

MALE MODEL.

PACO RABANNE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.

WHO'S HE?

IT'S A COLOGNE.

HE HAD A GALLON OF IT.

DEAD GIVEAWAY,

THAT AND THE OPEN-MESH JOCKEY SHORTS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

DON'T LAUGH.

STANDISH LOGAN.

I LIKE IT.

OH, BULLSHIT.

BUT IT'S A GOOD NAME PROFESSIONALLY.

IT'S ARRESTING.

YOU ACT ON STAGE OR MOVIES?

STRICTLY THE BOOB TUBE.

I DID A MOD SQUAD LAST YEAR.

NOBODY SAW IT. FUCKING PLAY-OFFS.

MY AGENT SAID HE SAW IT,

BUT HE'S FULL OF SHIT.

HOLLYWOOD.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MICHAEL RANGELOFF.

I LIKE THE FIRST NAME.

THE SECOND ONE...

ARE YOU HUNGRY? NEITHER AM I.

SOME WOMEN GORGE THEMSELVES

WHEN THEY GET DIVORCED.

I COULDN'T.

WHAT HE DID MAKES ME THROW UP.

TAKE ME TO THE BAGGAGE CAR

TO SEE YOUR FRIEND.

IT'S JUST A SEALED CASKET

WITH A FLAG OVER IT.

I'D LIKE TO SEE IT.

WHY?

IF I KNEW WHY,

I'D CHANGE MY MIND.

PLEASE?

OK.

TICKETS!

OH, HOWDY.

TICKETS.

THIS IS FOR A ROOMETTE.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE IT IS.

STANDISH, PLEASE DON'T CRY.

LOOK, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY--

SON OF A BITCH.

WHO, ME?

YOU HAD TO BE TELLING THE TRUTH.

HE'S HERE, ALL RIGHT.

I WAS HOPING YOU WERE LYING,

THAT THERE WASN'T ANY COFFIN.

ARE YOU A HERO, TOO?

NO.

JESUS, MICHAEL.

OH, DON'T...

I'M SORRY.

I'VE JUST NEVER KNOWN ANYBODY LIKE YOU.

ALL THE GUYS I KNOW ARE JERKS,

LIKE RORY AND MY LOUSY MANAGER.

OH, COME ON.

HE TRIED TO TAKE 50% OF MY UNEMPLOYMENT.

COME HERE.

HOLLYWOOD'S RUINING MY LIFE.

SORRY.

OK, OK, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

TOOTHPASTE.

WHEN AMRAIL TOOK OVER THE RAILROADS,

THEY TRIED TO BOOT ME.

WILL YOU PUNCH THAT TICKET?

I DECIDED TO WRITE THE PRESIDENT.

WE'RE TALKING HISTORY HERE.

YOU OK NOW?

HEY, HEY. COME ON.

YEAH, I'M FINE.

YOU SURE?

I GOT YOUR FLAG ALL WET.

IF IT'S RUINED, SEND ME THE BILL.

WHERE TO?

THE ALAN SCHNEDECKER MEMORIAL RECUPERATION HOSPITAL, IN DENVER.

THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING TO HAVE MY BREAKDOWN.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BREAKDOWN?

HAVING.

HADN'T YOU NOTICED?

NO.

I'M GOING TO REGRET THIS.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU

TO STAY OFF THIS TRAIN.

WHO ARE YOU?

IF THAT CARGO'S BEEN TOUCHED, IT'S YOUR ASS.

WHAT ABOUT HIS ASS?

BUTTON IT, BIMBO.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BIMBO?

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE MINE.

IF HE'S ANYBODY'S, HE'S MINE.

GO CRUISE THE MEN'S ROOM.

YEAH.

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME?

FORGET IT, BIMBO.

SO I SAYS TO HIM, "PRESIDENT NICKERSON--"

NIXON.

THAT'S IT.

MR. STAPLETON--

WHO'S THAT?

YOU.

I'M GOING TO TALK TO THE PASSENGERS.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT, GET UP.

COME WITH ME.

WHERE WE GOING?

MY ROOMETTE, BOTH OF YOU.

FUCK OFF, FAGGOT.

THIS WON'T WAIT.

YOU DEGENERATE.

THERE HE IS.

WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?

GET YOUR FEET OFF THAT SEAT.

HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

I HAD TO ASK.

I GOT IT. I'M IN SHANGRI-LA.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SOLDIER?

FREDERICK J. KIRK.

YOU SAID HE WAS RANGELOFF.

LANE BIDDLECOFF.

THAT'S YOUR NAME?

HIS BUDDY IN THE BOX.

IS KAFKA WRITING THIS?

MR. STAPLETON'S CONFUSED.

YOU GOT ON AT OAKLAND?

YOU'RE ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I'VE GOT A LICENSE. ORMOND, FBI.

KNOW THIS WOMAN?

NO.

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE PHOTO.

WE SPENT 30 MINUTES TOGETHER.

WHERE?

IN HER BATHTUB.

WHAT?

IN HER BATHTUB!

EVER WORK FOR HER FATHER?

FATHER? WASN'T HE HER HUSBAND,

THE CHIEF OF POLICE?

LATIMER IS CHIEF OF POLICE?

WHO'S LATIMER?

I DON'T KNOW HER.

WHAT'S YOUR DESTINATION, SERGEANT?

NEW YORK.

WHO'S KAFKA?

MAYBE HER FIRST NAME.

KAFKA, A FIRST NAME?

WHO ARE YOU?

STANDISH.

NO, I'M STANDISH.

YOU TOLD ME YOUR NAME WAS MICHAEL RANGELOFF.

YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED?

INVOLVED? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'LL BUY ME A DRINK,

I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

INCLUDING THE BATHTUB?

EVEN THE BATHTUB.

SO YOUR NAME IS RANGELOFF.

AND, AND, AND, AND...

YOU LIVED IN AN ORPHANAGE

UNTIL YOU WERE 16?

EXCEPT FOR SOME FOSTER HOMES,

BUT I ALWAYS CAME BACK.

I'M ALLERGIC TO CHILD ABUSE.

THEN YOU WERE ADOPTED BY CENTURY?

NOT ADOPTED.

HE WAS RAISED IN THE ORPHANGE, TOO.

HE WOULD VISIT ME THERE.

WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE'S A CON MAN.

A CROOK?

NO, NO, NO.

WHEN A CROOK ROBS YOU, YOU KNOW IT.

PEOPLE TAKEN BY CENTURY DON'T KNOW IT.

HE TAUGHT ME A FEW THINGS,

LIKE KNOCKING THIS COIN

THROUGH THE BAR USING THIS GLASS.

HE TRIED TO TRAIN ME,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE TALENT.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

WELL, YOU NAME IT.

THIS WEEK, I MANAGE A ROLLER DERBY TEAM.

LAST WEEK, I UNLOADED CARGO.

CARGO! HE SAID CARGO!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

BAGGAGE CAR.

I GET OFF IN OGDEN.

LET'S GET IT ON BEFORE I GET OFF.

THE SHERMAN TANK APPROACH.

MAY I ASK A PERSONAL QUESTION?

THE PERSONALER, THE BETTER.

DO YOU HAVE THE CLAP?

NO.

I DO.

OH, MY GOD!

THE COFFIN!

IT'S HER!

WHEW!

I GUESS I WAS NEXT.

GET OUT OF HERE!

OH!

SOME GUYS JUST CAN'T TAKE A HINT.

MR. STAPLETON,

CAN I GET CLOSER TO THAT SINK?

I KNOW I WAS BORN WHEN THEY SHOT LINCOLN.

OR WAS IT McKINLEY?

MIGHT HAVE BEEN McKINLEY.

I KNOW WHERE GEORGIANA LATIMER IS.

WHERE?

IN THE COFFIN. HE KILLED HER.

CORPORAL BIDDLECOFF'S IN THE COFFIN.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THEY TOLD ME.

WHO KILLED HER?

MICHAEL RANGELOFF,

THE PERVERT I'VE BEEN SITTING WITH.

YOU MEAN SERGEANT KIRK?

WHO KNOWS HIS REAL NAME?

PRESIDENT GARFIELD!

I WAS ALIVE WHEN THEY SHOT HIM.

I'VE GOT IT.

HE STOLE CORPORAL BIDDLECOFF'S UNIFORM.

THEN HE DITCHED HIM.

THEN HE PUT HER IN THE COFFIN.

THEY'RE BOTH IN THERE!

DO SOMETHING!

THE TRAIN'S SLOWING DOWN.

WE'RE COMING INTO OGDEN.

HE'LL GET AWAY!

YOU WON'T LET HIM.

ME?

YOU'LL RETURN TO YOUR SEAT

AND BEHAVE NORMALLY.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

YOU CAN DO IT.

I COULD SHIT.

ALL RIGHT.

IN CASE HE TRIES TO BOLT,

I'LL COVER THE TRAIN STATION.

LET'S GO.

THAT GIRL'S GOT A NASTY MOUTH.

LINE UP RIGHT THERE AND BE QUIET.

HAVE A FLOWER FOR YOUR BEREAVEMENT.

OK, DON'T.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

I THINK I'M IN TROUBLE.

YOU THINK YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

STOP REPEATING ME AND LISTEN.

I OPENED THAT COFFIN--

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

[WHISTLING]

DON'T TOUCH ME!

OH, MY GOD!

OW!

GEORGIE!

FBI ON BOARD. MEET ME IN NEW YORK.

WHAT ABOUT THE SOLDIER?

TODAY.

YOU BASTARD! WHAT'S GOING ON?

FBI!

TRAIN LEAVING ON TRACK 26.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

MICHAEL?

YOU'LL BE SO MAD AT ME.

WHAT DID YOU DO, STANDISH?

ALL ABOARD, PLEASE, LAST CALL.

ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD.

HE DIDN'T TRY TO GET OFF.

WHO?

SERGEANT KIRK. LET'S GO.

RIGHT.

BOARD!

LET'S GO TALK TO HIM.

WHO?

YOU DID WHAT?

I TOLD THE FBI

YOU MURDERED GEORGIANA LATIMER

AND HER BODY'S IN THE COFFIN.

GIVE ME A PENCIL.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

SHE'S OK. THESE FITS NEVER LAST.

FITS?

SHE CAN HEAR YOU.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

SERGEANT FREDERICK KIRK, SPECIAL GRAVES DETAIL.

YOU CAN'T LAY THERE.

YOU SHOULD RENT A ROOMETTE.

SHE TOLD ME--

SHE'S JACKIE ONASSIS?

SHE'S NOT RESPONSIBLE.

EASY, MRS. BIDDLECOFF.

MRS. BIDDLECOFF? THE WIFE...WIDOW OF--

SHE NEVER MENTIONED THAT.

YOU DISCUSSED HIM WITH HER?

I'M NOT SURE.

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SURE,

SHE'S HAD THREE PENCILS IN FIVE MINUTES.

WHAT CAN I DO?

GET OUT AND LEAVE US ALONE.

SINCE YOU'RE LAYING THERE,

I'LL GET A PILLOW.

DON'T GET UP UNTIL THEY'RE OUT.

■

OK, OK.

WHAT'S ALL THIS LANE BIDDLECOFF STUFF?

THERE'S NOBODY'S BODY IN THAT COFFIN.

OR IS THERE?

YOU DIDN'T MURDER GEORGIANA LATIMER,

BUT MAYBE YOU MURDERED SOMEBODY ELSE.

WHEN DID YOU CLEAR ME?

WHEN I SAW HER OUTSIDE.

I DID SEE HER, MICHAEL.

HERE'S YOUR PILLOW.

HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

WHO?

IN THE BGAGE CAR.

WHO?

DON'T PRESS ME. THE REVEREND.

OH.

TAKE A NAP.

KEEP MOVING, PUNK.

ALONE AT LAST, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

SURE YOU DO.

OK, I KNOW.

I WASN'T TRYING TO TAKE IT.

DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH!

COME ON, COME ON. TAKE IT EASY!

DON'T SHOOT ME, OK?

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SHOOT ME.

I'LL HAVE TO BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.

GOD!

NOW, WHERE'S CENTURY?

TELL ME WHERE HE IS.

NOW! I WANT TO KNOW.

I DON'T--

TELL ME REAL QUICK.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL START GETTING TOUGH.

I DIDN'T TELL HIM NOTHING.

OK.

♪ OH, HOW MY HEART YEARNS FOR YOU ♪

♪ OH, PEGGY, MY PEGGY SUE ♪

♪ WELL, I LOVE YOU, GIRL ♪♪

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN.

CENTURY, TELL STANDISH

ABOUT THE TIME YOU FIXED THE RACES.

WE JUST BURNT THE NOSTALGIA

DOWN TO THE GROUND.

I HAVE A NEW BUSINESS.

YOU'RE NOT A PRIEST, ARE YOU?

NOT BLOODY LIKELY.

I NEED A HIGH COLLAR

FOR THE WOUND ON MY NECK.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

BOLIVIA.

A WORD OF ADVICE.

NEVER CROSS 11 JUNTA COLONELS.

FAR FUCKING OUT.

PRECISELY.

NOW, KID, FROM THE BEGINNING.

WELL, I HAD THIS ROLLER SKATING TEAM...

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY ♪

♪ LIFE IS BUT A DREAM ♪

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY ♪

♪ LIFE IS BUT A DREAM ♪

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY ♪

♪ LIFE IS BUT A DREAM ♪♪

I KNEW THAT SOLDIER BOY WAS ON THE UP AND UP.

I TRIED TO TELL THAT G-MAN.

TOO BAD THAT COFFIN'S GOT TO GO TO NEW YORK

BEFORE IT GETS TO NEBRASKA.

WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING TO HELP.

BUT WHAT?

LET ME THINK.

GOT IT!

WHO IS IN THE COFFIN?

GOOD QUESTION.

HOW WOULD I KNOW?

I DIDN'T OPEN IT TO FIND OUT.

I SEE.

THAT'S QUITE A STORY.

MIND IF I SLEEP ON IT?

[WHACK]

DENVER!

SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR MAN.

I'M NOT OFF THE CASE.

IT AIN'T OVER TILL THE FAT LADY SINGS.

WHICH FAT LADY?

BOX UP THEM POOCHIES IF YOU'RE GOING ABOARD.

PILKINGTON AGENCIES.

THEY'RE GUARD DOGS.

OH, YES, PILKINSON'S.

WHERE'S YOUR SHIPMENT?

IN THE ARMORED TRUCK.

I'M CHECKING THIS CAR FIRST.

HELLO.

HE'LL TEAR YOUR ARM OFF.

DOGS DON'T SCARE ME.

I'VE HAD LABRADOR REPEATERS, ENGLISH SETTLERS--

THEY DIDN'T BITE MY ASS.

STANDISH, MY DEAR, GOOD LUCK.

FROM THE WAY YOU GUYS

BEEN LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,

I HAVE A FEELING

I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN.

BYE.

BYE.

WHAT'S IN HERE?

MY LIFE.

THIS BREAKDOWN MAY BE LONG.

ARE YOU GETTING OFF, SOLDIER?

I'M JUST TAKING STAND-- MISS BIDDLECOFF TO A TAXI.

I GOT TO CALL THE PRESIDENT.

WHO'S HE CALLING?

THE PRESIDENT.

I'LL JUST CALL US A--

TAXI!

STAY.

THE WORD IS GOOD-BYE,

BUT I JUST CAN'T SAY IT.

FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW,

YOU'LL HIT ON SOMEONE ELSE.

IT'LL BE AT LEAST AN HOUR.

IT'S A JOKE.

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

YOU REALLY LIKE ME.

YEAH.

YOU READY?

TURN ON YOUR METER.

SHUT OFF YOUR MOUTH.

YOU HAVE THE NUMBER.

THAT'S WASHINGTON, D.C., PERSON TO PERSON.

THE NAME?

WELL, I DON'T RIGHTLY RECALL.

HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HELLO, MISS ROSEWOOD?

IS THE PRESIDENT IN?

THIS IS VERNE STAPLETON.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT,

THE OLDEST RAILROAD CONDUCTOR IN THE WORLD.

YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT'D GET TO YOU.

WOULD YOU JUST PUT THE PRESIDENT ON, PLEASE?

HE'S BUSY? WITH WHO?

WALTER GATES?

WATERGATE.

DON'T THINK I KNOW HIM.

ANYWAY, I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE

WITH THE RAILWAY AGAIN, AND--OH?

MAYBE WALTER CRONKITE WON'T BE SO BUSY.

HELLO THERE, MR. PRESIDENT!

HOW ARE YOU?

AND GET OUT OF THAT ARMY UNIFORM

BEFORE THEY SEND YOU OVERSEAS.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME--

CHOCK FULL 'O NUTS, DENVER, COLORADO.

GOOD-BYE.

UH, LET GO, STANDISH.

LET GO!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU ALMOST KILLED HIM!

THAT'LL BE FINE, MR. PRESIDENT.

AND WHILE YOU'RE CALLING AMRAIL,

I'LL CALL HIGH RIVER AND THE MAYOR, AND--

YOU'LL CALL HIM? OH, FINE.

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

MY BEST TO MRS. NICKERSON AND TO CHECKERS.

YOU READY NOW?

GO AHEAD.

KING OF SPADES.

KING.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

YOU LOOKED IN THE COFFIN?

I COULDN'T TELL YOU WITH STANDISH HERE.

IF THAT GUY HAD KILLED ME,

HE'D HAVE KILLED HER.

THANKS FOR SAVING ME.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

BLACKJACK.

HOW CONVENIENT!

YES.

SO YOU OPENED THE COFFIN, AND?

THERE'S ABOUT $1 MILLION IN THERE.

$5 MILLION.

WHAT?

I COUNTED IT.

YOU MEAN THERE'S $5 MILLION IN THERE?

SHH. WHAT YOU GOT?

NO WONDER HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.

HIT ME.

BLACKJACK.

USE THAT.

NO, THANKS. I HAVE ENOUGH.

SEVEN AYE, TWO NO, ONE ABSTENTION,

FOLLOWED BY THE USUAL CLOSING PRAYER

DELIVERED BY THE REVEREND.

MEETING ADJOURNED BY MAYOR FRIZZOLI.

END OF MINUTES.

DO I HEAR A MOTION TO APPROVE?

MAYOR FRIZZOLI!

DON'T DO THAT!

THIS JUST ARRIVED FROM THE WHITE HOUSE!

THE WHITE HOUSE?

YES.

WELL, WHAT, WHAT IS IT?

JESUS...

HERBERT...

CHRIST!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HIS NEPHEW, LANE BILLECOFF, DIED.

HIS REMAINS ARE BEING SENT HERE TO HIGH RIVER TODAY

ON THE AMRAIL COAST-TO-COASTER.

THAT TRAIN DOESN'T COME HERE.

IT DOES TODAY,

BY SPECIAL ORDER OF THE PRESIDENT.

THEY STOLE THE MONEY FROM GEORGIANA LATIMER'S FATHER.

STANDISH DID SEE HER.

PROBABLY.

WHY WOULD LATIMER SAY

THERE WAS ONLY $100,000 MISSING?

HE WAS TRYING TO HIDE IT, THAT'S WHY.

FROM WHO?

WHO WE ALL HIDE MONEY FROM--THE I.R.S.

OH.

WHAT WILL WE DO?

FINDERS KEEPERS, KID.

YOU MEAN STEAL IT?

LATIMER ALREADY DID.

YOU CAN'T STEAL THE SAME MONEY

FROM THE GOVERNMENT TWICE.

THAT'S DOUBLE JEOPARDY.

WAIT A MINUTE. ROBBERY IS ROBBERY.

SHUT UP, MICHAEL, YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE.

STANDISH! WE JUST SAID GOOD-BYE.

I ALMOST GOT KILLED IN THE PROCESS.

CENTURY JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE NEED SOMETHING TO PUT THE MONEY IN.

[DOG BARKS]

ANNA-MARIE.

ANNA-MARIE!

HMM?

ANNA-MARIE!

WHAT?

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHAT IS IT, MARIO?

WHERE THE HELL IS HE?

HE'S HELPING ME.

I DO ALL THE WORK

SINCE YOU MADE ME FIRE EVERYBODY.

I HAD TO FIRE EVERYBODY

SO THEY WOULDN'T KNOW HE WAS HERE.

HELLO, UNCLE MARIO.

SHUT UP.

THERE'S A TRAIN ARRIVING HERE

IN A FEW HOURS.

ON IT IS LANE BIDDLECOFF'S BODY.

BUT I'M LANE BIDDLECOFF.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOUR SON IS NO LONGER A LIVING DESERTER.

NOW HE'S A DEAD HERO.

THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

OF COURSE IT'S A MISTAKE!

BUT ONLY WE KNOW.

WHEN THE STIFF ARRIVES, WE HAVE A PARADE.

IT GOES IN THE GROUND.

WE STICK THIS MORON

ON A BANANA BOAT FOR VENEZUELA.

HOW COME I'M GOING TO VENEZUELA?

BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T KILLED!

THAT IS YOUR NEPHEW!

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO VENEZUELA.

YOU SHOULD'VE CONSIDERED THAT WHEN YOU DESERTED.

YOU SHOULD'VE KEPT ME FROM THE DRAFT.

YOU ENLISTED!

OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

JESUS! WHAT A NITWIT!

KEEP HIM IN THAT HOUSE

UNTIL I CAN SNEAK HIM OUT OF TOWN!

♪ SO YOU THINK YOU'RE A ROMEO ♪

♪ PLAYING A PART IN A PICTURE SHOW ♪

♪ WELL, TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME ♪

♪ TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE THE JOKE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD SHE CARE IF YOU'RE FEELING GOOD ♪

WELL, TAKE ♪ THE LONG WAY HOME ♪♪

YOU CAN GO TO THE BAGGAGE CAR.

THEM DOBERMANS ARE TIED UP.

ARE WE NEARING OMAHA?

NO, HIGH RIVER.

YOU SAID THAT, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

HE THINKS HE HAD NIXON

REROUTE US TO NEBRASKA.

[HUMMING THEME FROM TWILIGHT ZONE]

PEOPLE, LINE UP THIS INSTANT.

ALONG HERE, DO YOU HEAR ME?

OH, KIDS.

THEY W0NDER WHY I'M NOT MARRIED.

NO, THEY DON'T.

HERE COMES THE MAYOR.

IT'S WILT CHAMBERLAIN IN DRAG.

WE ALL SET?

AS WE'LL EVER BE.

YOU LOOK LOVELY, ISADORA.

CUT THE CRAP.

MAYOR FRIZZOLI?

NADINE GARDNER, UBS, OMAHA.

YOU COVERING THIS ON TELEVISION?

CERTAINLY.

I WAS WONDERING,

WHERE IS LANE BIDDLECOFF'S MOTHER?

SHE WON'T ATTEND THE FUNERAL.

SHE'S OVERCOME WITH GRIEF.

I SEE.

HIGH RIVER, NEBRASKA!

HE DID IT.

TWO, THREE.

WE'RE IN SOME WAR MOVIE.

LOOK, WHAT'S HE PLAYING?

MAD ABOUT THE BOY. WHAT ELSE?

I WILL DO THE TALKING.

WELCOME TO HIGH RIVER, NEBRASKA,

ON THIS SAD BUT TRIUMPHANT OCCASION.

WORDS CANNOT CONVEY OUR FEELINGS,

SO THERE WON'T BE ANY.

OK, GET IT OUT.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME. YOUR HONOR?

IT IS YOUR HONOR, ISN'T IT?

YEAH. MAYOR FRIZZOLI.

ALLOW US TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES.

THIS IS SERGEANT RANGELOFF,

SPECIAL GRAVES DETAIL,

AND I AM THE...

THE REVEREND BASSINET.

WALKER BASSINET, MAJOR, U.S. ARMY, RETIRED.

I WAS LANE'S CHAPLAIN.

I'M ISADORA FRIZZOLI.

I HAVE A POEM FOR MY COUSIN LANE.

SHE WROTE IT HERSELF.

A LILY FOR LANE BIDDLECOFF

I LAY UPON HIS COFFIN,

AND WHEN HE'S UNDERNEATH THE GROUND,

I'LL COME AND SEE HIM OFTEN.

OK, LET'S GO.

OH, ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

IN YOUR GRIEF, YOU'VE OVERLOOKED SOMEONE.

I AM MRS. LANE BIDDLEHOFF.

COFF. COFF.

[COUGHS]

WE WERE MARRIED

BEFORE HE WENT OVERSEAS.

YOU'LL NOTICE I'M NOT DRESSED IN MOURNING.

IF YOU WERE AS CLOSE TO LANE AS I WAS,

YOU'D KNOW HE'D HAVE WANTED IT LIKE THIS.

PLAY, PLAY, PLAY!

MARCH. TWO, ONE, TWO!

[TWEET]

LET'S GO, PLEASE. LET'S GO.

NOW, COOLIDGE HAD A DOG.

HE WAS A FARM BOY.

HE WAS PARTIAL TO COLLIE DOGS.

THEN THERE WAS ROOSEVELT.

HE HAD A LITTLE BLACK DOG

BY THE NAME OF FALA.

LANE'S MOTHER NEVER TOLD US HE GOT MARRIED.

WHERE IS HIS MOTHER?

SHE'S AT HOME.

SHE'S PROSTATE WITH GRIEF.

PROSTRATE.

Y'ALL, I BELIEVE WE'RE PASSING THE FUNERAL PARLOR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE GOING RIGHT TO THE CEMETERY.

HEY, LOOK OUT!

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T KEEP DOING THAT.

[DOG BARKS]

[WHISTLES]

CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT?

MY CAR JUST BROKE DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING MY NEPHEW HOME.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE EVER IN THE AREA...

WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

TOMORROW MORNING.

STAY IN THE GATEWAY HOTEL TONIGHT.

THE OTHER PLACE IS A RAT HOLE.

I'LL TELL MY SISTER YOU DROPPED BY, MRS. BIDDLECOFF.

WHO'S HIS SISTER?

LANE'S MAMA, THE PROSTATE WOMAN.

YOU HAD TO BE LANE'S WIFE?

YOU GUYS TOOK ALL THE GOOD PARTS.

$5 MILLION DIVIDED BY 6 FEET.

FORGET IT!

THAT'S $833,000 A FOOT.

I CAN'T FORGET IT.

ANNA-MARIE!

MMM!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS MARRIED?

HE'S NOT.

HIS WIFE WAS AT THE FUNERAL!

HI, UNCLE MARIO.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE MARRIED?

I'M NOT.

YOUR WIFE WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL!

WHAT'S HER NAME?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

I COULD HAVE BEEN DRUNK OR SOMETHING.

I'LL GO LOOK AT HER.

NO! SHE'S LEAVING TOMORROW MORNING.

YOU'RE LEAVING TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

COUNT ON IT!

HERE'S THE SETUP.

ONCE THE SIDEWALKS HAVE ROLLED UP TONIGHT,

MICHAEL AND I WILL DIG UP THE MONEY.

STANDISH STAYS HERE.

WHAT IF THE PHONE RINGS?

THIS IS REVEREND BASSINET

IN THE, UH... PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.

PLEASE SEE THAT THE WIDOW BIDDLECOFF IS NOT DISTURBED.

AND HOLD ALL CALLS.

PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

I'M OFF TO FILCH SOME SHOVELS

AND STASH THEM NEAR THE DIGS.

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE GONE?

LONG ENOUGH.

LONG ENOUGH FOR WHAT?

COME ON, MICHAEL.

REALLY? NOW?

I'M TOO TENSE.

THAT'S THE POINT.

MICHAEL.

KISSINGER LEFT FOR PARIS?

CRONKITE'S SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW HIM TONIGHT.

DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ME.

HAVE HENRY APOLOGIZE TO WALTER.

YEAH. BYE.

I NEED ■ FILLER FOR TONIGHT.

THERE'S A HUMAN INTEREST ITEM FROM OMAHA.

DEAD WAR HERO--

CHOP IT TO TWO MINUTES FOR TONIGHT.

MICHAEL.

YEAH?

I KNOW YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND ALL.

BUT I THINK I LOVE YOU.

WELL.

I LOVE YOU.

■

AND LOOK AT YOU--

THE MIND OF A MANIAC, THE MOUTH OF A LONGSHOREMAN.

DO YOU?

YOU REALLY DO?

OF COURSE I DO.

BE QUIET. I'M THINKING.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I'M THINKING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN

WHEN THAT COFFIN DOESN'T ARRIVE IN NEW YORK.

HOW LATE?

A COUPLE OF HOURS.

IT'S BEEN REROUTED THROUGH NEBRASKA.

SAY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

ARE YOU AN ACTRESS?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

AMRAIL.

OH, CHRIST!

HEY! HEY!

DAMN IT.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

I'M GETTING ME SOME COFFEE.

WHAT ARE YOU STOPPING FOR?

I CAN DRIVE.

NOBODY TOUCHES THIS WHEEL BUT WATSY KLINKOWITZ.

WHO'S HE?

WELCOME TO HIGH RIVER, NEBRASKA,

ON THIS SAD BUT TRIUMPHANT OCCASION.

WORDS CANNOT BEGIN TO CONVEY

OUR FEELINGS AT THIS MOMENT,

SO THERE WON'T BE ANY.

GET IT OUT OF THERE.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.■

YOUR HONOR.

IT IS YOUR HONOR.

MAYOR FRIZZOLI.

ALLOW US TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES.

THIS IS■ SERGEANT RANGELOFF,

SPECIAL GRAVES DETAIL.

AND I AM THE, UH...

■

THE REVEREND BASSINET,■

WALKER BASSINET, MAJOR, U.S. ARMY.

CONTINUING OUR NIGHT OWLS'■ NEWS UPDATES.

HERE'S NADINE GARDNER IN HIGH RIVER, NEBRASKA.

OH, MY GOD! THIS IS ME!

I SHOULD HAVE CALLED MY AGENT.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME--

OH, MY GOD!

MY TEETH!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SOME OF YOU MAY WONDER WHY I'M NOT DRESSED IN...

WHAT IS IT?

FLOWERS FOR MRS. BIDDLEHOFF.

COFF.

MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MY DARLING.

SHE WAS IN HERE SITTING OVER THERE?

YES.

WATCHING TV?

YES. THEN SHE SUDDENLY LEFT.

WHAT SHOW?

THE 10:00 NEWS.

WHAT'S OUT THAT DOOR?

THE STREET.

GOOD.

THIS WILL TAKE ALL NIGHT.

AHHHH!

WHAT'S THAT?

NOTHING. SAVE YOUR BREATH, KID.

DIG.

COME ON.

GET OUT.

MOVE!

NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.

T■IS PLACE IS DESERTED.

WE'LL SIT AND WAIT FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND

TO BRING BACK MY MONEY.

COME ON. GET INSIDE.

THAT'S IT, GRAVE ROBBER!

GOOD!

OK.

■

LET'S FILL THE HOLE.

DIG.

[CAT MEOWS]

AHHH! WHAT'S THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.

MICHAEL!

MIKE...MICHAEL!

HE'S GONE!

HI, ISADORA!

COUSIN LANE!

YOU'VE RISEN?

HUH?

AHHH!

HE IS RISEN!

HE IS RISEN!

WAIT! IZZY!

I GOT TO TALK TO YOUR FATHER.

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

YOU CAN RETIRE.

WE'LL ALL RETIRE TO SING SING.

CALM DOWN. NOTHING'S HAPPENED YET.

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

JUST GET ON THE LADDER.

HERE, GIVE ME THAT.

OW! GRAB IT.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

STANDISH! STANDISH!

OH, GOD.

SEE YOURSELF ON TV LAST NIGHT?

HAVE YOU SEEN MRS. BIDDLEHOFF--COFF?

NO. SHE'S INDISPOSED. IS ANYTHING WRONG?

NO...NO.

A WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN,

RESPONDING TO QUESTIONS ABOUT PRESIDENT NIXON'S

PUBLIC BLOWUP AT...

DADDY! DADDY!

WHAT?

HE IS RISEN!

COUSIN LANE IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD.

I SAW HIM IN THE CEMETERY.

THE BOX WAS EMPTY.

WHAT BOX?

THE COFFIN. HE'S OUT OF IT.

SO ARE YOU, ISADORA.

TAKE ONE OF YOUR ANTICRAZY PILLS

AND LEAVE YOUR FATHER ALONE.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

LOOK.

THERE HE IS.

UNCLE MARIO,

HAVE I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

SHE'S NOT HERE! SHE'S NOT ANYWHERE!

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

■

"IF YOU WANT HER BACK ALIVE!"

OH, MY GOD!

THE ADDRESS WHERE HE'S HOLDING HER

IS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

MICHAEL, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY.

OK?

NOW...

AHHH! AH!

AH! AHHHH!

AH! AH! AHHH!

AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

AHHHHHHH!

■

AHHHHHHH!

AHHH! AHHH!

AHHH! AHHH!

AHHHHH! HAA! HAA!

SHUT UP.

SHUT UP!

AHHHHHHH!

■

AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

AHHH! AHHH!

■

AHHHHH!

AHHHHHH!

[RING]

HIGH RIVER POLICE.

WHO WANTS HIM?

WHO?

I'LL SEE IF HE'S HERE.

UH, CHIEF!

YEAH?

PHONE.

IS IT MY WIFE?

NO, IT'S THE PREACHER.

OK.

NEVER MARRY A LITHUANIAN WOMAN.

CHIEF BUMBALEE HERE.

OH, HELLO, REVEREND. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

THE SOLDIER I CAME HERE WITH

IS NOT A SOLDIER AT ALL.

HE'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT.

GET THE MAYOR ON THE OTHER PHONE.

HE'S RIGHT IN THE NEXT ROOM.

JUST ACT NORMAL. DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO.

PRAY OR SOMETHING.

BLESS YOU, MY SON.

YEAH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

DO YOU HAVE THE MAYOR?

NO, IT'S BUSY.

GO TO HIS HOUSE.

BRING HIM TO THE GATEWAY HOTEL.

SHOULD I HANG UP THE PHONE?

YOU GOT THE RIGHT ADDRESS AND EVERYTHING?

[SPLASH]

JUST FINE. THIS IS FINE.

WAIT HERE.

HEY!

■

ALL RIGHT, TURN LEFT.

TURN LEFT HERE.

THAT'S ALL I NEED, A HIJACKER.

TAKE THIS BACK TO THE FARM.

GUESS WHO'S HERE EATING MY BREAKFAST

AND TELLING ME A CRAZY STORY ABOUT GRAVE ROBBERS?

YOUR IDIOT SON, LANE BIDDLECOFF, THAT'S WHO!

ANNA-MARIE?

I...

ANNA-MARIE!

I SAID KEEP HIM IN THE HOUSE!

YOU LET HIM OUT!

WHAT'S IT LIKE ON THE OTHER SIDE?

VIETNAM?

NO. AFTER DEATH. WHAT IS IT LIKE?

I'M NOT DEAD.

NOT NOW, BUT YOU WERE.

DID YOU MEET GOD?

HARRIET DOESN'T KNOW. SHE'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.

ALL IT TAKES IS ONE AMBITIOUS YOUNG COP

TO FIND OUT I'VE BEEN HARBORING A VIETNAM DESERTER,

AND THEY'LL COME HERE WITH HANDCUFFS!

PHONE DOWN, HANDS UP.

I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

JEFF! LONG TIME, NO SEE.

■

HI, LANE. PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

PUT THAT THING AWAY.

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.

I'M MAKING CAPTAIN.

THAT'S WHAT I'M MAKING.

IS THIS 65 1/2 LIGATION ROAD?

YES.

THIS IS 65 1/2 LIGATION ROAD?

YES.■

WHERE'S THE HOUSE?

THEY MOVED IT DOWN THERE.

THEY TOOK THE HOUSE! IT'S GONE!

WHERE?

DOWN THE ROAD THAT WAY!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT!

I FEEL LIKE DOROTHY IN THE WIZARD OF OZ.

LET'S GO DOWN THE ROAD.

THE PLACE HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

THE SARGE WAS LOOKING FOR THE WIDOW BIDDLECOFF.

I'LL CALL THE MAYOR.

HE SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

■

IS SERGEANT RANGELOFF REGISTERED HERE?

YEAH, HE IS, BUT HE'S OUT.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE SERGEANT MYSELF.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

WHO ARE YOU?

MRS. LANE BIDDLECOFF.

YOU'RE LATE FOR THE FUNERAL.

I MISSED MY CONNECTION.

TOO BAD YOU WASTED A TRIP.

WHAT I MEAN IS,

THE WIDOW BIDDLECOFF IS HERE ALREADY.

I'M HIS SECOND WIFE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SERGEANT RANGELOFF?

HE'S GOT LANE'S PERSONAL EFFECTS.

THAT FIRST WIFE ISN'T GETTING EVERYTHING.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

NOT SO FAST, MISS LATIMER.

FBI, I'LL TAKE CHARGE.

OK, PUT THEM UP.

YOU, BACK! YEAH, YOU!

COME ON, YEAH.

YOU, COME ON!

AHHHH!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF, PIG!

ALL RIGHT! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

JUST WALK IN FRONT OF ME.

VERY SLOWLY.

THANKS A LOT.

I'LL READ YOUR RIGHTS.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT--

SHUT UP!

WHERE THE HELL'S MY CAR?

OK, IT'S OVER THERE.

IT'S DOWN THERE!

■

MAKE THE TURN!

MAKE THE--

WHOA!

FIND A PLACE AND TURN THIS THING AROUND.

ALL RIGHT! RELAX!

OH, CHRIST!

♪ WELL, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLIN'? ♪

♪ YOU SAY YOU'RE HAVIN' FUN... ♪

YOU'RE NOT GIVING HIM THAT MONEY.

♪ JUST LYIN' IN THE SUN ♪

■

♪ YOU TRIED TO BE A HERO ♪

♪ COMMIT THE PERFECT CRIME... ♪

I'M GETTING OUT.

♪ BUT THE DOLLAR GOT YOU DANCIN' ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE RUNNIN' OUT OF TIME ♪

♪ YOU'RE MESSIN' UP THE WATER... ♪

STANDISH!

STANDISH!

STANDISH! STANDISH!

♪ YOU'RE POISONIN' YOUR MIND... ♪

STANDISH!

[MUFFLED VOICE]

STANDISH!

♪ YOU WATCH THE TELEVISION... ♪

STANDISH?

♪ IT TELLS YOU THAT YOU SHOULD ♪

♪ HOW CAN YOU LIVE IN THIS WAY? ♪

♪ YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY... ♪

THAT MAN STUCK THIS HAIR IN MY MOUTH

SO I WOULDN'T--AHHH!

♪ CHILD OF VISION... ♪

HOLD IT!

♪ FIND YOURSELF ♪

♪ A NEW AMBITION ♪

♪ I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE ♪

♪ YOU'RE SAYIN' NOTHIN' NEW ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I SAW A RAINBOW ♪

♪ BUT I GUESS IT WASN'T TRUE ♪

♪ YOU CANNOT MAKE ME LISTEN ♪

♪ I CANNOT MAKE YOU HEAR ♪

♪ S0 YOU FIND YOUR WAY TO HEAVEN ♪

♪ AND I'LL MEET YOU WHEN YOU'RE THERE ♪

♪ HOW CAN YOU LIVE IN THIS WAY? ♪

♪ YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ♪

♪ WE HAVE NO REASON TO FIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE BOTH KNOW THAT WE'RE RIGHT ♪

♪ CHILD OF VISION ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LISTEN? ♪

♪ FIND YOURSELF ♪

♪ A NEW AMBITION ♪♪

STANDISH!

OH, NO!

AHHHH!

DID YOU SEE THAT?

THAT'S IT.

MICHAEL.

LOOK OUT!

THIS WON'T HURT A--

AHHHHHHHH!

SORRY!

GIVE ME THE MONEY!

[WARNING BELLS CLANG]

GIVE ME THAT!

STANDISH!

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

OH, NO!

ORMOND, FBI. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

YOU BASTARD!

BYE!

I'LL GET YOU!

YOU BASTARD!

YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!

LET'S WAVE THE MONEY AT HIM.

WHAT'S THIS?

THE YELLOW'S THE CLASSIFIED.

WHERE'S THE MONEY?

HE SWITCHED THE BAGS!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE ME.

WHEN DID HE DO IT?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER? WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER.

COME ON, FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY.

I SUPPOSE YOU NEED A LITTLE.

YOU MADE THE SWITCH.

GOT TO HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE.

YOU HAD IT ALL THE TIME.

TWO CARS.

I WAS ALMOST KILLED FOR TWO PHONE BOOKS!

SHH!

MICHAEL, I'M COUNTING.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

SAVE SOME FOR YOURSELF.

NOT TO WORRY.

♪ DID YOU WRITE THE BOOK OF LOVE?... ♪

THIS SIDE IS MINE.

♪ DO YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD ABOVE? ♪

♪ IF THE BIBLE TELLS YOU SO ♪

♪ NOW, DO YOU BELIEVE IN ROCK 'N ROLL? ♪

♪ CAN MUSIC SAVE YOUR MORTAL SOUL? ♪

♪ AND CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE ♪

♪ REAL SLOW? ♪

♪ WELL, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HIM ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I SAW YOU DANCIN' IN THE GYM ♪

♪ YOU BOTH KICKED OFF YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ MAN, I DIG THOSE RHYTHM 'N BLUES ♪

♪ I WAS A LONELY TEENAGE BRONCIN' BUCK ♪

♪ WITH A PINK CARNATION AND A PICKUP TRUCK ♪

♪ BUT I KNEW I WAS OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ THE DAY ♪

♪ THE MUSIC DIED ♪

♪ I STARTED SINGIN' ♪

♪ BYE-BYE, MISS AMERICAN PIE ♪

♪ DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE ♪

♪ BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY ♪

♪ THEM GOOD OL' BOYS ♪

♪ WERE DRINKIN' WHISKEY AND RYE ♪

♪ AND SINGIN' THIS'LL BE THE DAY THAT I DIE ♪

♪ DIE ♪

♪ NOW FOR 10 YEARS, WE'VE BEEN ON OUR OWN ♪

♪ AND MOSS GROWS FAT ON A ROLLIN' STONE ♪

♪ BUT THAT'S NOT HOW IT USED TO BE ♪

♪ WHEN THE JESTER SANG FOR THE KING AND QUEEN ♪

♪ IN A COAT HE BORROWED FROM JAMES DEAN ♪

♪ IN A VOICE THAT CAME FROM YOU AND ME ♪

♪ OH, AND WHILE THE KING WAS LOOKING DOWN ♪

♪ THE JESTER STOLE HIS THORNY CROWN ♪

♪ THE COURTROOM WAS ADJOURNED ♪

♪ NO VERDICT WAS RETURNED ♪

♪ AND WHILE LENNON READ A BOOK OF MARX ♪

♪ THE QUARTET PRACTICED IN THE PARK ♪♪

CAPTIONING FUNDED BY CBS/FOX

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1984 CBS INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE