Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

[indistinct chatter]

You know, say what you want about Quahog,

but I am so impressed seeing all these donations

from our very own community.

I'm curious if our old VCR is getting any nibbles.

Peter, don't bid on it.

[Peter] I want it back.

Welcome, everyone, to the live auction portion of the evening.

First up, a romantic vacation for two

at a historic bed and breakfast along the coast.

Oh, that actually sounds pretty nice.

Peter, give me the paddle.

$200!

Yes. $200 from someone's hot wife.

$250!

$250 from a slightly less attractive woman.

Unless, of course, I hear $300!

$500.

$500 from Sydney Sweeney's twin sister.

Do I hear six?

Sold to Lois Griffin,

whose husband just lost the silent auction for the VHS player.

Aw.

My Lawnmower Man tape is still in there.

I can't believe I actually won.

I have not felt a rush like this

since I had exact change at the grocery store.

-[beep] -That will be $22.48.

Oh, I think I have change.

Uh... 40, 45...

Oh my God!

Exactly 48 cents. Can you believe that?

Well, today must be my lucky day.

I'm gonna take this as my sign to stay open

and say yes to everything.

And would you like to round your purchase up

for our "kids with cancer" charity?

Oh, God, no! No, no.

I don't even like looking at that picture.

I can't believe I won a trip!

Did you see the offended look on Bonnie's face?

Yep, got it locked and loaded.

A real bed and breakfast.

Peter, this trip is my one chance to relax and enjoy myself.

I spend every day taking care of other people in this house

and just once, just once,

I want to feel taken care of.

Okay, Lois.

Thank you.

What weekend should we go?

Where's that now?

To the bed and breakfast.

Oh, no way I'm doing that.

Not after our last romantic vacation.

Sir, my condolences.

But I wanted to let you know that Peter Mayhew,

who originally played Chewbacca, has passed away.

No!

I'm so sorry, sir.

Thank you, butler who I bring on vacations

just in case Peter Mayhew dies.

It's been an honor, sir.

I'm not paying him for the full week.

Chris, I have your clea...

When did you get a souvenir of the Washington Monument?

Ma! Get out!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Wha...

What the hell, Chris? Can't you lock the door?

Oh, my God, I can't unsee that now.

Think how I feel.

Now I'm gonna need someone to walk in

at that precise moment every time,

or it's not gonna work anymore!

Put that on your chore list, Mother!

What's wrong, Mom?

I just walked in on your brother.

Oh, my God, it's 9:00 in the morning.

What is wrong with boys? A girl would never do that.

I don't know.

Why do you think I slide down the banister to breakfast?

Come on, Meg. Everyone knows women don't pleasure themselves.

You seriously think that?

Well, yeah.

So are you saying when you use the bidet,

you're facing forward?

Of course.

And when you ride a bike,

you're just going out for exercise?

Yeah.

Look, all my free time just goes

to taking care of other people and then lording it over them.

Wow. Maybe that's why you're such a bitch all the time.

-What's that? -I said, you should totally try it.

Pick the hottest guy you can think of and go to town.

What's stopping you?

I don't know.

Maybe it has something to do with those films

they used to show us in masturbation ed class.

[narrator] Samantha was alone

and thought she might begin to know her body.

-[screaming] -[narrator] Instead, she got to know

her grave.

I don't know, Meg.

I'm not sure my subconscious will allow me

to think about any man other than your father,

but thanks anyway.

-You're a good Daughtry. -I'm not that great.

Oh, Denzel yourself short.

I'm just out of my Depp here.

I can learn to live with the Bardem.

Well, Estrada the laundry.

I should go finish it.

Anyway, Ryan Gosling.

Ah, another day over and done.

Kids are asleep.

I put on all my creams that do nothing,

and Peter won't be back for an hour.

I have the whole night to myself.

I guess I could check in on Mindy Kaling's body journey.

Oh, she credits her weight loss to walking.

Yeah, you stick with that, Mindy.

The bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.

Ooh. What's this?

John Cena chops wood,

and you won't believe the results.

[laughs]

Well, I didn't expect those results at all.

[Meg's voice] Do it, Mom. It's just you

and John Cena's rippling shoulder and neck area.

Now's the time!

Huh. Maybe my subconscious memory of Meg's advice is right.

[Meg] No! It's actually me.

I can hear you talking to yourself through the wall.

Oh, just go for it already! I'm not even listening.

I'm gonna pop in my pods and fall asleep to some old Stanley Cups.

[inhales and exhales]

She's right. It's now or never.

Hell yeah, Yzerman! Let's go!

Ah, okay.

Focus, Lois.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

[breathing deeply]

[crowd cheering]

[giggling]

Jimmy Connors?

Jimmy Connors.

All right, well, since your mom is nowhere to be found,

I think we should go around the table

and say who you think the hottest family member is.

And don't say no one.

You should probably just ask us how school was, Dad.

I heard "you" and "Dad."

So thank you, Chris. I also picked myself.

Where is Lois anyway? I'm starving.

I don't know, but I've been hearing a lot of buzz.

What have you been hearing?

A literal buzz. Lot of it.

Mom, what's for dinner?

Fish fingers!

Yuck!

Sorry I'm a little late.

Let it be noted that everyone else

was able to pleasure themselves in a timely fashion

and still show up to dinner promptly.

Well, everyone is free to do what they want.

I choose to take care of myself.

And if people aren't satisfied with that,

then they can take care of themselves, too.

That includes cooking dinner.

Look, Mom, nobody is happier for you than I am, really.

This is a mitzvah at the highest level,

but not if it doesn't put a weird over-salted white pasta

on the damn table.

Chris is right. We can't do everything, Lois.

What are we supposed to eat every night?

The kids' leftover Halloween candy?

Maybe I can do some of this stuff.

Okay, enough!

You know, I always thought making other people happy

was what made me happy,

but it turns out making me happy is what makes me happy.

And I plan on doing a lot more of that.

So that's what's up, Doc.

[anchor] Good day. This is BBC's Football This Morning.

Highlighting the Premier League's

most exciting biracial footballers with British accents.

Oh!

As we screen these soft focus snaps of deep bronze footballers,

bear in mind, they all speak the Queen's English.

Oh, yeah!

[anchor] Here's one eating crisps.

Oh, that means potato chips.

[anchor] Here's one in his flat.

Mm! Sexier than "apartment."

[anchor] And here's one with a calendar updating his schedule.

Ah! Same word pronounced different!

-[cell phone ringing] -Hello?

Hey, Lois, it's Todd from TJ Maxx.

I noticed you haven't been aimlessly wandering the aisles lately.

Oh, hi, Todd.

Yeah, I finally discovered the art of self-pleasure.

Sorry you had to find out like that.

No worries. We actually get this call more often than you might think.

I'll let HomeGoods know.

I think it's best they hear it from us.

-[line rings] -Hi, Todd.

It's Todd.

No, I haven't seen Lois.

And that's exactly why I'm calling.

Can I help you find something?

Principal Shepherd, is that you?

Ah, you've got me. How deeply humiliating.

Oh, no, not at all.

Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay, well, you ruined it.

Anyway, perhaps I can interest you

in our new Mission: Impossible line of toys.

There's the Tom Bruise, the Ring Veins,

and Simon Pegg is still just Simon Pegg.

I think I'll just browse a bit.

All right, well, a general heads-up.

I don't have enough wet floor signs to cover the wet floor,

but just assume everywhere is wet.

[both exclaim]

Bonnie? [chuckles] What are you doing here?

I never expected to see you at this little hole in the wall

with all the little holes in the wall.

Oh, I've been coming for years.

Really? I thought this place just opened.

Yes.

I can't believe you also enjoy

feeling physically and emotionally satisfied.

I thought I was the only one.

Well, the media likes to act like a woman's sex drive

is not as strong as a man's,

and they're definitely right, but it's still kind of strong, probably.

I totally agree.

You know, you look really great, by the way.

Ah! Listen to me. [chuckles]

I think that was my first genuine compliment to another woman.

Yeah. When you realize you don't need a man for pleasure,

other women no longer feel threatening.

Oh, jeez, Bonnie, you know, it's so nice.

After all these years of constantly comparing ourselves to each other...

I haven't been doing that.

Well, it's just so nice to finally find out that we aren't so different.

Yeah.

Hey, you want to go get a glass of wine or something?

I'd love that.

You know, all this sexual liberation

has just made me feel so open-minded and giving.

And would you like to round up your total for Make-A-Wish?

Ugh! God, no! No, no, no!

[narrator on TV] From the makers of The Last Temptation of Christ

comes The Second to Last Temptation of Christ.

[indistinct whispering]

Can I tempt anyone with dessert?

Ooh, yeah! We'll have the cheesecake.

I see that paleo thing didn't last long.

I'm sorry, Judas,

does the global calendar begin with your birth or mine?

[all] Ooh!

Uh, yeah, we'll have the cheesecake.

I'm glad you're all here.

I have an announcement to make.

No, not Chubby Checker! Not today!

Chubby Checker's fine, Peter. This is about me.

Wow, breaking news!

Wife somehow makes Chubby Checker's near death about herself.

Look, I want to thank you all for indulging me this past week.

I've been on a journey with my body and my spirit,

and you've all given me lots of space

to explore new desires, and I appreciate all that.

And one more thing:

I'm dating Bonnie now.

Hello!

[all gasping]

-[straining] -[screaming]

[all cheering]

[groaning]

[groaning]

-You heard? -Yeah, I heard.

[cell phones vibrating]

[laughing]

Okay. What is it? What's so funny?

Just something from Donna. She's hilarious.

I don't know much about the model or make,

but I do understand the societal theories about Subarus

and the women who enjoy them.

Okay, fellas. I see what this is about.

Which one of you sly little rascals is buying a new car?

No, Joe, this is about the fact that your wife is dating my wife,

and it's all your fault.

If you had just pleased your wife, none of this would be happening.

Oh, okay, Peter.

And by that logic, I suppose it's also her trainer's fault.

And Sensei Ryan's fault.

Times have changed.

Nowadays, you have to let your wives be unfaithful

if it's presented through the lens of "living their truth."

This is humiliating. Being a cuckold sucks.

It's not so bad, Peter.

The trick is to get really into World War I Reddit.

Or as we in the community call it,

the Great War.

Because at that time, no one knew there would be a second one, see?

Look, Peter, I know this must be strange,

but the best thing that you and Joe can both do

is accept this budding and probably quite playful relationship

between your mutually wet-mouthed wives.

Oh, God, it's happening again! [straining]

[all cheering]

Peter, what the hell?

I got upset when I saw the suitcase.

I also killed a bird and left it in the bathtub.

It's just one weekend.

Bonnie and I are going on the trip to Munchruggit

that you didn't want to go on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I never heard nothing about a trip.

Yes, you did. But I'll tell you again.

It's that quaint little bed and breakfast

[voice fading] off of Route 4...

[Peter] She's right. Because this is exactly

where I stopped listening last time

and started thinking about Wolverine.

Okay, you win. Wolverine is the coolest X-Man.

Peter, I am going on this vacation.

Unless you are trying to tell your wife she can't live her truth.

[Cleveland's voice] Remember, Peter,

you have to let your wife be unfaithful

if it's presented through the lens of "living her truth."

Wow. My memory of what Cleveland said is right.

[Cleveland] No, it's really me.

Meg pays for the NHL package,

so I come over here to watch and drink full-sugar cola.

Don't tell Donna about the full-sugar cola, though.

That's not her truth.

What a mess.

You can just tell these eggs weren't scrambled by a woman

doing a thousand-yard stare out the kitchen window.

Agreed, a bit low on malaise.

This is ridiculous.

Peter, are you seriously just gonna let your wife run off with someone else?

What choice do I have?

Listen, I know our fans on TikTok aren't gonna like this,

but cheating with a woman is still cheating.

In fact, it's sexist to think that it isn't.

Sorry, I said it.

Oh, no! Brian's getting canceled.

Wait, I take it back. The future is female.

One podcast is totally enough

to call yourself a comedian in your Twitter profile.

Look, Dad. What Brian can't say, but I can,

is that you can still fight for your marriage.

You're allowed to tell your wife that you care about her.

You're right.

I'm calling Joe, and we are getting our wives back.

[dialing]

[automated voice] We're sorry.

The Cricket Wireless subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable.

Try yelling their name out the window.

Joe!

Hey there, Peter.

What's with the Cricket Wireless?

Well, they had a DJ in the parking lot,

so let's just say I uptown funked my way into a great family plan.

Listen, I think we need to go find Bonnie and Lois

before it's too late.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I can't take much more of Cleveland and Donna's suspicious looks.

You said Bonnie and Lois were at church today,

but we were at church, and they weren't there.

That's because they were at Super Church.

Long as they aren't taking a secret lesbian holiday.

Mm-hmm. Long as that.

Wow. This hotel is great.

I've never seen so many women printing out Tori Amos tickets

in a business center.

Look, they even have an open mic night

for whichever one of you two is the funny one.

-That's me. -Oh.

I guess that makes me the one that obsesses over fake illnesses.

Anyway, I gotta sit down.

My knee is doing that milky thing again.

Yeah, sure it is.

Anyway, I'm just glad we finally made it.

Now that we're here, do you want to have sex

or complain about the room?

What? Complain about this room?

What's there even to complain about?

We have a nice queen-size bed, which honestly should be a king.

But look at the view.

I mean, do I think their nicest room should be facing north?

No, but there's a closet.

Well. [chuckles]

It's a space with six hangers, so I'm guessing that's what it is.

Although, not seeing any hangers with clips.

So I guess they think nobody wears skirts or pants.

You know what? I'm calling the front desk.

How long before we get to Munchruggit?

GPS says it takes two hours.

-[cell phone chimes] -[gasps]

Oh, my God, Joe, you just got an OpenTable notification.

It looks like Bonnie and Lois are going out to a romantic dinner.

-Step on it. -It's a Kia Sorento.

This is as fast as it goes.

You got to get rid of this thing.

Yep, 91 more payments and I'm free.

I need to stop signing contracts from DJs in parking lots.

Well, I think we should start with whichever dish

won't cause your speculative GI issues to flare up,

since we're gonna be intimate later.

Or we could just lean into it.

Wha... What? No!

Wait. What do you mean?

Ladies, what can I get you?

Hi. My friend has dietary restrictions,

so we have five minutes of questions

before we ultimately order something not on the menu.

Do you have any chicken that's a fish?

[sighs] I'm gonna go check with the kitchen,

and I'm definitely not gonna just quit on the spot.

Hi. We're two husbands trying to get our wives

to stop running away with each other.

Oh, well, there's a wait right now,

but if you'd like to stand with the other husbands,

we'll get you when your table's ready.

Hi there. We were just discussing World War I.

Don't you mean "The Great War"?

All right, get in here, you.

You're gonna do just fine here.

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

There they are, Joe.

Look at them in there, enjoying themselves.

Used to be sexually unsatisfied women

who would just funnel all their anger into putting seashells all over the house.

They do look really happy.

Yeah. Lois hasn't looked that happy with me in years.

[laughing]

[sighs] What if Cleveland was right?

We can't stop our wives from being happy.

I love Lois,

and she deserves to be with someone she loves, too.

Even if it isn't me.

I guess we just ought to go home, then.

I guess so.

Why don't we try to pee-pee before we leave,

and then we'll get out of here.

I don't have to pee-pee.

Why don't we try to pee-pee?

[groans]

Are you ready?

I feel like my stomach is being ripped to shreds by tikka masala.

But sure, let's roll the dice.

Wow. I can't believe I didn't stop Lois

from doing the thing I've spent 20 years begging her to do.

Look, I didn't want to bring this up,

but I did do an Internet search,

and it said that in this scenario,

the only right response

is for the husbands to give the wives a taste of their own medicine.

And this was a pornographic...

This was a very convincing pornographic video, yes.

Well, now we have a problem and a secret.

Ah, I'm so happy to be back home,

and I brought everyone lots of seashells.

That's gonna be my new thing.

Putting seashells everywhere you can imagine.

So, how was it, being with Bonnie?

Well...

You know how Wendy's fish filet looks really good in the commercial,

and then you go to Wendy's and you open up the bread,

and you can't really tell what the different parts of the sandwich are,

and then you don't even want it anymore?

What are you saying, Lois?

You didn't actually cheat on me?

Of course not, Peter.

And to think you almost had a hall pass to sleep with one of your friends.

[laughs] Imagine that!

[all laughing]

[Peter laughs awkwardly]

Oh, man, that is... that is... Yeah, that is... That is hilarious.

[doorbell rings]

The trip is off.

And did you ever find my Minion sock?

I told you to call the hotel, Peter.

I can't. I forgot which fake name I used.

Hey, Todd.

Did Wade Boggs check out? He forgot his Minion sock.

[♪ theme music playing]