Original subtitles

* Ay-oh, let's go...

CHRIS ROCK: Just about everything I ever went through

in school was hard.

The work was tough.

"Q"

The people were mean.

* They're going through a tight one *

Go ahead.

* The kids are losing their minds *

* Blitzkrieg bop

Are we having a fight or a dance

* Gonna raise steam heat

You know I can't dance.

But the one thing about school that was harder

than anything else...

Chris, wake up. ...was getting there.

It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothing in bed.

Tell that to Kim Kardashian.

* I don't know, they're all revved up *

While most people kids were still sleeping,

I had to get my clothes on,

wash my face, brush my teeth, eat...

Hey-hey-hey!

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! Wait, wait!

...and then catch three buses.

If I got the first one on time,

it gave me just enough time to catch the second one...

which usually made me right on time to catch the third one.

And if nothing went wrong, I'd be on time.

Hey, Chris.

Hey.

After you.

You're late.

Now go to the principal's office and get a tardy slip.

Here.

Just for the record, Chris,

you can't afford to be late again.

The clocks in this school are set

to Eastern Standard Time, not CP time.

What difference does it make if I'm late?

We took all our tests.

We only got, like, one more week to go.

Counting today, you have been late 29 times

this year, and 30 is the limit.

If you're late again,

you will not be promoted.

You will have to repeat the tenth grade.

Say what?!

Say word.

Oh, there's a word I want to say, all right.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

While I worried about getting to school,

Tonya was worried about getting out of school.

Boy, slow down!

You're acting like your food is trying to get away from you.

I'm trying to get to bed.

I'm really tired.

Hey, Daddy,

can I get my hair done at Nessa's for graduation?

Sure, baby.

Can I get a new dress, too?

You don't need a new dress.

You can wear your church dress.

But I wore that for Easter.

If I wear it for graduation,

I'll look back at the pictures,

I won't know what I'm remembering.

You'll remember that we couldn't afford

to buy you two dresses.

Plus, in one of the pictures,

you'll be holding the chocolate bunny.

Love you. Good night.

Good night.

That's okay. I've been saving up for this.

How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?

In Bed-Stuy, five.

Thanks, Daddy.

What are you writing, Drew?

It's a list of things

I can do on Amateur Night at The Apollo.

I'm gonna try out.

Drew, that's a tough audience.

You can't just go up there and do anything.

They will boo you faster than Casper on Halloween.

Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night.

They booed him blind.

They booed Magic Johnson so bad, he gave up singing.

Magic Johnson is a basketball player.

Now.

Well, they're not gonna boo me.

That's what Roseanne said

before she sang the national anthem.

I made it on time.

The joke was there was nothing to be on time for.

Good morning.

Okay.

Amy, Bethany...

Bill...

Bobby...

Caroline...

Chris...

Here.

David...

Donna,

You do realize no one's here besides me?

You think I want to be here doing this, hmm?

Last week of school, everybody's out having a picnic,

playing softball.

But I gotta be here with you.

So I'm gonna take attendance.

And you're gonna sit there and you're gonna shut up.

Frank, Garrett...

Meanwhile, my father was about to make a huge mistake.

Hey, Pam.

Oh, Julius, thank God.

Why, what happened? You hit the number again?

No, I need $25. See, I left my wallet at home,

and I need to pick up my dry cleaning

Pam, you know how I feel about lending people money.

Like the Klan feels about black people.

Julius, you know I'm good for it.

You'll get it back so quick,

you won't even know you gave it to me.

Save yourself some time. Don't give it to her.

Didn't you hair used to be yellow?

That's blonde.

My father used to say to me,

"There's no such thing as early.

You're either on time or late."

You waiting on the bus?

Yeah.

It was on time today.

What do you mean? It always comes at 7:22.

It ain't supposed to.

Supposed to come at 6:58.

God!

I'd been worried all week about what would happen

if one thing went wrong.

I never considered what would happen

if everything went wrong.

MAN : Ladies and gentlemen,

this car is now going express to Far Rockaway.

Far Rockaway?

That's far out the way.

Ten stops past where I have to go.

A wise man once said, "Never challenge worse."

I was a block away from school with 60 seconds to make it.

I didn't think things could get worse. I was wrong.

* Ball of confusion

* That's what the world is today *

* Hey-hey

* The sale of pills are at an all-time high *

* Young folks walking around with their heads in the sky *

* The cities ablaze in the summertime *

* And, oh, the beat goes on

* Evolution, revolution, gun control, sound of soul *

* Shooting rockets to the moon, kids growing up too soon *

* Politicians say more taxes will solve everything *

* So, around and around and around we go *

* Where the world's headed...

Oh, my God, my baby!

Freeze!

This the guy?

The guy that what? The guy who stole my car.

I didn't... Shut up.

How tall are you? I'm five-seven.

I did not steal... Shut up!

No, I don't think it's him.

Are you sure. Take a closer look.

He was wearing a mask. He was wearing a mask?

He was wearing a mask.

Cover your face.

Not your eyes, your mouth.

What'd he say? He said, "Give me your car.

Say, "Give me your car."

Give me your car.

Give me your car!

Give me your car.

No. That's not him?

No. Are you sure?

Yeah.

All right, beat it.

You're late.

Please, Mr. Thurman.

Principal's office. You're late.

Mr. Thurman, please, I can't be late.

Then consider yourself early for next year.

Usually, my mother was my judge, jury and executioner,

but now she was my lawyer.

Why does he have to repeat the entire tenth grade?

Can't he just repeat one day?

Let me put it in your vernacular.

Rules is rules.

What did you say?

It's okay, Ma. She does that.

I'll explain it later.

Well, I don't understand

why you can't make an exception for him

I mean, didn't he pass all his tests,

including his finals?

Yes,

but this isn't about education.

This is about punctuality.

Look, could I appeal to a higher authority

and have Chris promoted liked we did

when the Vice Superintendent's daughter got pregnant

and missed the entire tenth grade? Yes!

But you don't really want your son being coddled

and helped through life and all of its obstacles

like some rich little white girl, do you?

Say yes, say yes!

No. No, I guess you're right.

I am.

You may not realize this now, Chris,

but making you repeat the tenth grade

is the biggest favor I'm ever going to do for you.

While I was trying to make the grade at Tattaglia,

Drew was figuring out how to make the cut.

Amateur Night?

Amateur Night?

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

You know, the Pope came to Harlem once.

Tried to give mass at the Apollo.

Got booed off.

Got booed off.

Man, that crowd was tougher than the Vietcong.

Tougher than the Vietcong.

You know, we all performed at the Apollo.

Oh, yeah? What'd you do?

ALL: Sang Luther Vandross' "A House Is Not a Home."

* A chair is still a chair

Boo! Get off the stage!

: * Said when there's no one

* Sitting

* There-ee-er-ee-ere

: * But a

* Chair

* Is not a house

* And a house is not a home

* If there's no one there

* To hold you tight

* And no one there

* You can kiss

* Good night...

* Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Wow! So, what happened?

ALL: Got booed off.

He got booed off.

Meanwhile, I was going down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.

Chris, this is your own fault.

If you would've told me you were having problems,

then I could've done something.

It's not the end of the world.

Most people don't get to finish the tenth grade once.

You get to do it twice.

It's kind of like working a double shift.

Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna to be? As embarrassing

as being 40 and still living with your mother

'cause you were too stupid to listen to her

and repeat the tenth grade and get your diploma?

Ma, if I'm late again, I'm gonna be

in the tenth grade for the rest of my life.

Then be on time.

May I be excused?

Yeah, go ahead.

If you want to sulk,

go sulk--it's not gonna change anything.

Ask Hillary Clinton.

Drew, what's taking you so long?

Hey, Mom, come look at my hair.

Oh, that's nice!

Vanessa better get back here soon.

You did a great job.

I don't know, I think

it should cover more of her face. So, Julius,

what do you think?

Looks nice.

Yeah, just wrap it up

for the next couple of nights-- it'll hold.

That's what they told Michael Jackson about his face.

Go help your brother.

So, how much do we owe you?

Uh, with your discount, $25.

Julius, pay her.

Ooh, dinner smells good.

Ooh, and lamb chops-- ooh, I love lamb chops.

Well, Chris isn't hungry-- you can have his plate if you want.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I had reservations

at Pastures and Shores, but, uh,

now I can keep the money.

You gonna do something special with it?

Like pay off some debts, something like that? No.

See? That's the best thing about having money is I don't owe anybody.

My father was trying to get his cash out of Pam,

and my mother was trying to get me out of the house. Chris, time to get up.

I'm not going to school today.

What's wrong

No, I'm not sick.

I'm dropping out.

And in about an hour, I'll be coming to.

After my mother tried knocking some sense into me,

she tried to talk some sense into me.

Chris, I'm not gonna sit back

and watch you throw your life away.

Mom, you can't make me go.

I did not spend all these years trying to make sure...

JULIUS: He's right, Rochelle.

We can't force him to go.

But if you think you're gonna sit around this house all day, think again.

If you don't go to school, you go to work.

Well, what kind of job is he supposed to get

with a tenth

I don't know, ask George Bush.

What's it gonna be, Chris?

So that's it? You're quitting school?

Look, I'm not repeating the tenth grade.

I don't know what else to do.

Well, have you thought about a G.E.D?

G.E.D.?

In the job market, it would put you

on an equal level with any ex-con.

Except for the ones who finished high school.

I suppose it's for the best, though.

How's that?

If you're a sophomore and I'm a junior,

there's no way I could ever be seen with you again.

I don't have any more cool points to lose, dude.

From the zero you started out with.

Hey, Kelly, Alex.

So, is it true, you flunked out?

I didn't flunk out.

But I am leaving school.

Cool. You want to hang out sometime?

You're kidding me, right?

No, I mean, I've been

beating the crap out of you all these years, because secretly,

I've been envious of your determination

and your accomplishments.

I was only trying to crush your spirit

so I wouldn't feel inferior.

But now that you're dropping out,

society will take over, so we can hang.

So, who are you gonna pick on when I'm gone?

Just give me a minute.

All right, go ahead.

While I was getting beat by the system,

Drew was drumming up a new idea.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

That's it!

Oh, cool!

While I was trying to get a handle on my future,

my father was trying to get a handle on his cash.

Hey, Julius, what are you doing over here?

You need a shave? No.

I need $25. $25?

I don't know, that's a lot.

I'm not comfortable with loaning out that kind of money.

Neither was I when I loaned it to you.

Can I get my money back, please?

Oh, my God, I forgot all about that.

How do you forget

where you got some free money?

How do you forget where you got some free money?

I found $20 dollars one time.

I was on Flatbush Avenue

in front of the check cashing place.

It was 5:07 p.m.

on a Wednesday.

64 degrees.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I found a ten, a five,

a two dollar bill, two dollars and fifty cents in quarters,

three nickels and 25 pennies.

One of them was Canadian. I'm sorry.

Why didn't you just say something?

Why didn't you just pay him back?

Um, can I pay you back tomorrow?

I left my wallet at home.

You've got a cash register right there.

After all my parents did for me,

I tried to do something for myself.

G.E.D.?

Yeah, it's just like graduating from high school.

No, it's not.

Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown?

Could people sign your G.E.D. yearbook?

Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?

Yes, it's called "Flavor of Love."

Ma, a lot of people got their G.E.D. and did fine.

I looked it up. Yeah

Bill Cosby got a G.E.D. So what,

you want to be comedian? Ha!

Very funny.

Chris, is this what you want to do?

Yes.

I'll make you all proud of me. JULIUS: Okay.

As long as you're out when you're 18.

It'll be all right.

If he doesn't make us proud,

I'll kill him, and nobody'll ever know.

While I was marching to the beat of a different drummer,

Drew was beating the odds at the Apollo.

MAN: All right!

MAN: All right!

Now, that boy is smart.

I just knew he was gonna get booed off,

but everybody knows you can't boo kids

and you can't boo God. Mm!

At least he's not singing "A House Is Not a Home."

What are you doing?

I'm singing "A House Is Not a Home."

After Drew got his standing ovation,

Tonya got one, too. Congratulations.

Hi, baby!

That's my daughter.

That's my daughter.

After taking the G.E.D.,

I wasn't sure if I had passed or failed,

but I knew there was no turning back.

Pencils down.

Next to a pregnancy scare,

waiting for the results from my G.E.D.

was one of the scariest moments of my life.

* Clouds change the scene

* Rain starts a-washing

* All these cautions

* Into your life

Who gets that fried crust?

* Just what is true...

*

(Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" playing)

*

Hi, baby.

Hey. Where's Drew and Tonya?

They're walking over from Doc's.

CHRIS : * Tommy used to work on the docks *

There you go. Thank you.

* Union's been on strike

* He's down on his luck

* It's tough

* So tough

* Gina works the diner

Hey! Hi, Mom.

I want fried crusts.

Don't fill up on it.

Where's Daddy?

DREW: In his skin-- when he jumps out,

you can jump in.

* She says, "We gotta

: * Hold on

* To what we've got

* 'Cause it doesn't make a difference *

* If we make or not

* We got each other

* And that's a lot

* For love

* We'll give it a shot

* Oh...

* We're halfway there

* Oh, oh

* Livin' on a prayer

* Take my hand

* We'll make it, I swear

* Oh, oh

* Livin' on a prayer

* Tommy's got his six-string in hock *

* Now, he's holding in

Ma, I heard they were hiring at Red Lobster.

They're not hiring you.

I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster.

Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good"?

ROCHELLE: Have you thought about what you're gonna do

if you don't pass the G.E.D.? JULIUS: Hey, everybody.

Hey, Daddy. Hi.

What's that?

Chris's G.E.D. results.

Did Open it.

Is that fried crust?

Yeah, and it's good.

What's it say?

* We got to hold on...