Original subtitles

("Open Your Heart" by Madonna playing)

CHRIS ROCK: Out of all the girls I liked growing up,

the one that got to me the most...

...was Tasha.

Boy, you so crazy.

She was cute, she liked my jokes,

but the most important thing about her

was that she was the girl next door.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, see you.

Like real estate, Tasha's biggest selling point

was location, location, location.

I think I'm going to get Tasha to be my girlfriend.

Wow, what a coincidence.

How's that? I think I'm gonna get

Janet Jackson to be my girlfriend,

and once we both achieve the impossible,

we can go on a double date.

We'll go to the Playboy Mansion.

And the girls will leave with Pauly Shore.

I'm serious, man, I don't care what it takes.

I'm going to get her.

That line was spoken by many people,

most notably O.J. Simpson.

I mean, I don't know why I've been running all around town

when there's a girl right next door ready to be plucked.

What if she doesn't want you to pluck her?

Somebody's got to pluck her.

What if somebody else already plucked her?

I don't care who's plucked her.

She's gonna get plucked by me.

I wish there was somebody I could pluck.

Thank goodness these guys are good with enunciation.

I don't know why I waited so long.

I don't know, maybe there's a reason

you haven't gotten with her.

Maybe you're just not supposed to be

together.

That's impossible.

All right?

She kissed me on New Year's Eve.

We were together for Easter.

She even got jealous when I kissed that other girl

while we were playing spin the bottle.

As far as I'm concerned, all the signs are saying "go."

But they don't say where to.

What if she says no?

Then I'll be back here with you,

but I'm going to have her in my life or out.

Oh, I can't imagine how this might turn out.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

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("Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police playing)

Tasha, wait up.

Since Tasha was right next door,

it was easy to find the right time to make my move.

Hey, Chris.

Look at you, looking all cute.

What you got, some girl you're trying to impress?

Yeah... you.

: Boy, you so crazy.

Oh, I'm crazy all right.

Tasha, I'm not crazy.

I'm serious.

* I just lose my nerve...

I want to say something to you,

but I want to make it very, very clear.

Okay.

What is it?

I want you to be my girlfriend.

I'm already your girl friend.

No, not in like a friend who just so happens to be a girl

or like "Hey, girlfriend."

No, I want you to be my girlfriend.

One word, not two.

Girlfriend, as in

"Chris and Tasha are boyfriend and girlfriend."

You want me to be your girlfriend?

Exactly.

Hmm...

Let me think about it.

I'd have a much better chance if she didn't think about it.

Superior Court of New Jersey?

While I was getting things out in the open,

my mother found a skeleton in the closet.

Julius... married... Tawny... what?!

Can't nobody stand you

'cause you're a liar and you won't shut up.

Shut don't go up, prices do,

so take my advice and shut up, too.

You shut up, I grow up.

Every time I see your face, I throw up.

Shut up. The Junior Varsity Sugar Hill Gang.

Will both of you shut up?

I swear.

That doesn't rhyme.

Y'all couldn't be quiet if somebody paid you.

I could. No, you couldn't.

You couldn't shut up to save your life.

Quiet! Here.

Here's your allowance for this week.

Okay?

The next one that talks loses theirs.

Winner gets it all.

While Drew and Tonya were keeping their mouths shut,

back at school I was waiting for the word.

And then I said that would involve kissing and touching--

well, I ran it down.

Oh, man, you are going to be so in there.

I can't believe you ran it down.

I would have just ran.

What'd she say?

She said she'll think about it. Well, what does that mean?

It means "Let me check every option,

"see if I can get someone I want,

and if not, I'll go out with you."

And when she said every option, she meant every option.

She checked blind guys.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah, girl.

What are you, blind?

She checked dangerous guys.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah, he does.

Now, give me your money. Don't move.

She even checked guys who were girls.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'm my own girlfriend.

While I was waiting to get my woman,

my father's woman was waiting to get him.

Hey, baby.

Why didn't you tell me you were married to someone else?

Huh? Now would be a good time to run.

Don't "huh?" me.

Tawny Reynolds?

Does the name ring a bell?

You better say something.

She might have a gun.

Yeah.

Um...

It was a long time ago.

It was a long time before I even met you.

I was 17 in Atlantic City,

and we were drunk.

We got married.

Four days later, we were divorced.

Story of Britney Spears' life.

Well, not according to this.

"Complaint for divorce"?

: That's crazy, huh?

I mean, because how could somebody divorce you

unless you're married to them?

This has got to be a mistake.

What marriage isn't?

You know, Julius...

you know how much a lightbulb costs per watt.

How can you not know

that you have another wife?!

Because those things are less complicated.

I do not have another wife.

Yes, you do!

Look, look, look, it says so right there!

You know what?

What I want to know is:

if she's your wife, then what am I?

You're my wife.

No!

I'm your concubine!

This is silly.

Is she white?

What?

No.

Can she get the house?

Rochelle... Is she white?

Stop it.

Do you have a kid with her?

Is she white?

No.

Is the kid light

No. Ha!

So you admit that you have a kid!

Oh, God, I'm going to be sick!

There is no kid.

How do you know, Julius?

You didn't even know that you didn't have a divorce!

Oh, my God.

W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-What's going to happen to this family

if it turns out there's another one?

Kids, I'd like to introduce you to your new mother Tawny

and your new brother Julian.

Girl, you just wasted $2.17 worth of white meat.

JULIUS: My boy.

What am I going to say to my children?

The kids are going to be all right.

Look, look...

Oh... don't touch me!

We'll leave them out of this.

Listen, I-I'm gonna sign these papers

and take these to the courtroom myself

and get this straightened out.

You do that.

Because if you don't straighten out

what's going on in these papers,

you're going to get a set of papers

that look just like them.

And she better not be white.

While my father tried to explain

why he had two women,

I wanted to find out if I had one.

Hey, Chris.

Oh, hey, Tasha, listen about what I said yesterday...

I thought about it.

Yes.

Yes, what? Yes,

I will be your girlfriend.

And I get to touch you? Yes.

In an 8:00 p.m. sitcom kind of way.

And I get to kiss you?

Yes. Ask for more, ask for more!

In front of other people--

not just strangers, even people we know?

Yes. And if anybody asks me,

I can say, "Yes, Tasha is my girlfriend"?

Yes.

All right.

I need you to sign this.

I need your thumbprint there.

All right, now, turn that around.

Smile.

Thank you.

Who's this?

She's notary public.

There.

Here you go.

It's official, Chris.

Tasha is your girlfriend.

Somebody record this

so she can't lie and say it didn't happen.

After years of walking out my door feeling down,

with Tasha right next door,

I was walking out and getting felt up.

Happy anniversary.

Anniversary?

Yes, we've been together a week.

Here, I made you this bookmark with our names on it.

Oh... thanks.

So what'd you get me?

A big box of nothing.

Nothing.

I didn't know we celebrated one-week anniversaries.

Oh... that's okay.

What she really meant was...

MAN: Oh, my God.

This is the worst catastrophe.

CHRIS ROCK: I found out pretty quickly that getting a girlfriend

was a lot easier than keeping her happy.

Hey, you want to get together later and watch some videos?

I loved watching videos with Tasha.

* I got a paper and pencil

* Thinking of rhymes like mental... *

Nah, that's okay.

I also learned that before we did what I liked to do,

we had to something she liked to do.

Come here, girl, you know I'm just playing.

I got a surprise for you later.

You do. What is it?

It's a surprise to me, too.

Well, I wanted to wait until later,

but, you know, after I get home from school,

I wanted to celebrate with you.

I'll bring your present then.

Good one.

Ooh, and then we can go to Mr. Woo's

and get some Chinese food.

Oh, and then I can tell you

all about what this crazy girl said to me at school

and then we can talk about what we're...

Another thing I learned quickly

is that, much like Bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans,

and those plans did not include Greg.

Hey, what happened to you yesterday?

We were supposed to go see Lethal Weapon.

Oh, I was out with Tasha.

Oh.

Well, do you want to go see it today?

I can't.

Why, you got to go to work?

No, me and Tasha are going down to Al B Square

to get matching T-shirts made.

More like matching blouses.

Then we're going to the photo booth to get pictures

and then we're gonna get something to eat.

I knew this was going to happen.

What? Don't you see?

She's taking over your life.

She's got you running around in matching clothes.

It's like you're a life-size Ken doll.

I have one thing Ken doesn't.

So what?

Okay, I got a girlfriend.

What are you, jealous?

Of course, I'm jealous.

But this isn't about me; it's about you.

I thought you were gonna be so in there.

Turns out you can't get out of there.

It's like you're a puppet and she's got

her hand stuck up your... Hey.

She did?

Yeah.

Twice.

Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya

continued their war of no words.

Drew went to the Ike Turner School of Sign Language.

To save his marriage, my father had to get a divorce.

How could you not know that you're not divorced?

I signed the papers and sent them back to her.

How was I supposed to know she didn't file them?

Because you didn't get your final decree.

I didn't know I needed a final decree.

Well, you should have.

Who knows what this woman

might have been doing in your name?

She could have been holding up banks,

taking out loans.

Invading Iraq?

Did you have

any kids with her? No.

Is she white?

No, she is not white.

Hmm. Listen,

let me throw a hypothetical situation at you.

This should be good.

Say there was a person

who thought he was divorced...

A person?

A person... and that person

went and got married again and had some kids.

Then, he got some papers that said he was still married

to another person. Hypothetically.

Hypothetically. Well,

that person could be arrested and hypothetically sent to jail

as a bigamist.

Or just move to Utah.

Does this mean that person's current marriage is not valid?

Hypothetically, no,

but between you, me and your hypothetical friend,

as long as he files these papers

and gets his final decree

and everyone here stays lazy, he'll be fine.

That's good news.

Hypothetically.

Mm-hmm.

Can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Yeah.

Is she white?

No, she is not white.

We'll mail the divorce decree in a few days.

When a guy has a girlfriend, he wants to get her alone.

You want to get together tonight

and watch some videos?

But when a girl has a boyfriend,

she wants to show him around.

Can we go to Yvette's first?

I want you to meet her and Angela.

When I got with Tasha,

I thought I couldn't get enough of her.

So, we watching videos tonight?

Can I bring Rene and Tina?

What I found out was I could barely get to her.

While my father was waiting for his final decree,

my mother was acting like it was over.

Hey, baby.

Does your wife know

that you're hugging up to another woman?

What are you doing?

Looking for apartments.

The kids and I need a place that we can call our own.

Rochelle, this is your place.

Really?

Well, how do I know that if you die right now,

some white woman wouldn't come

and take your Social Security, the house,

the car, and me and the kids be on the street?

Who does she think he is, James Brown?

Look, I filed the papers.

This should all be over soon.

Well, until then,

you can sleep on the couch.

After a few days of no luck with getting it on,

I decided to take a day off.

Hey, you want to go see Lethal Weapon?

You're kidding me, right?

When?

Now.

Don't you have to go meet more

of Tasha's girlfriends?

Nah, man, I'm done with that.

So, uh, you guys check out any videos?

I wish.

Look, until we start doing something that I want to do,

I'm gonna do stuff that I want to do.

I'm gonna call Doc and tell him I'm gonna

come in tomorrow instead of today.

Surprise!

Hey, honey.

Hey, Greg.

What are you doing here?

I was thinking we could go to the movies, you know,

maybe see Fatal Attraction with Yvette and Rhonda.

I got to work.

No, you don't.

I told Doc you weren't coming in today

because I had plans.

What? You can't just go to my job

and tell them I'm not coming in.

Why not?

'Cause I can't just go to your school

and say, "She's not coming in because I got plans."

What are you trying to say?

Why is it that whenever I want to do something,

it has to wait till tomorrow, but whenever you want

to do something, it has to happen right now?

What does that have to do with anything?

Welcome to Women's Logic 101.

I just don't want you running my life.

You're the one who said

you wanted me to be your girlfriend.

Well, maybe I was better off alone.

Are you saying you're breaking up with me?

Let me make this perfectly clear.

Yes.

I want to break up with you.

What?

You think you can just say good-bye,

walk away and it's over?

Yeah.

Watch.

Bye.

The best thing about the girl next door

is she's right next door.

And the worst thing is that she's right next door.

I will not be ignored, Chris.

I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.

CHRIS ROCK: Since I was playing the game of love,

I decided to get advice from a real player.

No, you got to move.

Why?

She lives right next door, Chris.

Where are you gonna go?

You'll never get away from her.

We broke up.

You broke up.

That's like telling the IRS

you don't owe them any money.

It ain't over till they say it's over.

Ask Wesley Snipes.

I can't move.

Well, you better get back together.

See, I don't get this.

How is it that she's the one acting crazy

and I have to be the one to work things out?

Because she started acting crazy first.

She's using your reason against you.

You know that makes no sense, right?

Welcome to Women's Logic 201.

Before I had a chance to confront my problem,

my problem confronted me.

Hey, Chris.

ROCHELLE: Where have you been?

JULIUS: You invited Tasha over for dinner,

and you got the girl waiting on you?

Well, if anybody knows what it's like

to have a girl waiting on them, you do.

Tasha, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, honey.

And by "minute", I mean "never again."

Tasha, go home.

It's over.

I put the last few weeks of my life into you,

and I'm not gonna let you throw it all away

over a little fight.

I just said it's over.

You wanted me, you got me.

You're my boyfriend until I say you're not.

Got that?

And that is a love TKO.

What's going on with you and Tasha?

I tried to break up with her,

but she wouldn't let me.

Well, there's no such thing

as trying to break up with somebody.

That's like being a little pregnant.

Either you're broken up or you're not.

But if you do want to break up with her,

let her know that.

If you don't, make sure she knows that.

Don't have her running around here

thinking you're together and you're not.

One minute y'all having a little fight,

and the next thing you know,

you're married with a wife and kids

and she's trying to take your house.

It seemed like my problems were just beginning,

but my father's were finally ending.

I got the final divorce papers.

Really?

Baby, I'm sorry for putting you through all of this.

You're the only woman in the world I want to be with.

Mm-hmm.

And I was wondering...

will you marry me?

You're not married to anyone else, are you?

No, I'm not.

Then, yes, I'll marry you.

* Glory halle-stupid!

Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah.

Now, do you, Julius, take Rochelle

to be your...

rhinestone rock star monster of a doll baby bobba?

I do.

And Rochelle, do you take Julius

to be your rhinestone rock star monster of a man?

I do.

With all the powers invested

in me and the blasters of the universe,

along with the mother ship connection...

...I now pronounce you...

man...

and wifey.

Now...

go funk her up.

He said "funk", kids, with an "N."

Funk her up.

* Do you want to get funked up? *

* Funk, yeah, funk her up

* Don't you want to get funked up? *

While Bootsy and my parents got funky,

Drew decided to play dirty.

Oh, my God, Drew!

What happened?

"Oh, my God, Drew, what happened!"

Ketchup-- I win.

Cheater!

After everything I'd been through with Tasha

and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point.

Breaking up over one fight wasn't worth it.

And if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Oh, Chris.

Hey.

I was mad earlier.

I noticed.

It's not that I want to break up with you.

I just think we need to get clear about some things.

Like what?

First of all,

you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.

Okay.

And I'm sorry that I overreacted.

I'm new to this relationship stuff.

Okay.

Good.

What's wrong?

I am breaking up with you.

I thought you said that we were still together.

Until I said we were breaking up.

We're breaking up.

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

Me, either.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org