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1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,637
Bye.
Bye.
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,173
CHRIS ROCK:
When you're a kid,
3
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:06,607
one of the most important
lessons you learn
4
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,210
is when your parents tell you
to do something...
5
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,678
Y'all better eat that liver.
6
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,813
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
7
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,383
...you do it...
8
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:18,652
...no matter what you think...
9
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,554
Boy, get your feet
off my good chair.
10
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,556
Yes, ma'am.
11
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,294
...no matter what it is.
12
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,728
Girl, are you crazy?!
13
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:30,164
You want to cook your
brother, do it outside.
14
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,565
Yes, ma'am.
15
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,272
No matter how you feel.
16
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:43,177
Chris, clear off the table
and do the dishes.
17
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,781
No.
18
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,484
(tires screeching,
crashing sounds)
19
00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,389
What?
20
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,558
Will I say what I said again?
21
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,160
Will my mother kill me
22
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,095
before I get a chance
to say it?
23
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:03,697
Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit
there and just let this happen?
24
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,566
Don't touch that dial.
25
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,314
* Aw, make if funky now.
26
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:30,391
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
27
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:38,732
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
28
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,402
After saying no to my mother
for the first time,
29
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,603
I didn't know what to expect.
30
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,138
What did you say?
31
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,207
I said no.
32
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,341
Twice.
33
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:51,312
That's what I thought you said.
34
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:03,591
Now say it again.
35
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,360
Mom, I didn't eat all the dinner
by myself.
36
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:08,596
I shouldn't have to clean it
all up by myself.
37
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:12,433
I don't wear all the clothes,
but I wash them by myself.
38
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,435
I don't sleep
in all the beds
in this house,
39
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,570
but I make them up by myself.
40
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:19,507
I don't pee
in all of the toilets
41
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,209
in this house
by myself...!
42
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,510
Mom, Drew and Tonya
sitting right there
43
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,944
doing nothing.
Why can't they help?
44
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,846
Because I told you to do it.
45
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,450
Now I don't want to hear
no more back talk.
46
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,552
Now clean this mess up.
47
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:35,323
No. I'm not gonna do it.
48
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:42,896
Lord... please help me before
I knock this boy's neck off.
49
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:48,369
Eight...
50
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,238
nine...
51
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,972
t-ten!
52
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,242
I wouldn't see a woman
that perplexed again
53
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,410
until Palin found out
her daughter was knocked up.
54
00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:58,412
Now are you gonna clean up
this table
55
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:01,382
or do I need to tell
your father?
56
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:04,585
Whenever there was a problem
my mother couldn't handle,
57
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,320
she'd call my father
for backup,
58
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,489
like the governor bringing in
the National Guard.
59
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:12,493
Ow!
60
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:14,995
What's the situation?!
61
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,897
Chris won't do
what I told him.
62
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,499
You want me to do some dishes?!
63
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,900
I'll do some dishes!
64
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,374
I'll handle this.
65
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,943
Oh! That was my...
66
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,288
Yes!
67
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,791
You know what?
68
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,528
Go ahead. Tell him.
69
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,629
I don't care.
70
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,501
Fine.
71
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,436
Drew, Tonya,
come clean this table up
72
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,570
and wash the dishes.
73
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,506
BOTH:
Yes, ma'am.
74
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,611
I enjoyed time with my father,
75
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,614
but I was afraid
this might be the last time.
76
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,651
Where have you been?
77
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,020
I stopped to get coffee.
78
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,688
With his coffee coupon.
79
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,491
Oh, coffee.
Oh, yeah, that-that's nice.
80
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:19,059
Well, while you were out
taking your time
81
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,661
sipping on coffee,
82
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,030
uh, your son was here
staging a coup!
83
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,064
A coup?
84
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,566
What
85
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,435
Chris!
86
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:32,573
I spent 20 hours of labor
pushing out that big-eared boy,
87
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,742
and he turns around
and does this to me?!
88
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,744
Does what
89
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:41,582
What did he do
You're on his side now?!
90
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,318
No, no, I'm just trying
to find out what's going on.
91
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:45,519
Oh, what's going on,
what's going on.
92
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,887
Let me think about
what's going on.
93
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,656
Your son is trying to kill me.
94
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,424
That's what's
going on!
95
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:53,961
I-I cook, I clean, I care
96
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,597
for this family,
and what do I get in return?
97
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,566
Just a full-scale mutiny!
98
00:04:58,599 --> 00:04:59,833
Led by a child
99
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,502
who I bore for a man
100
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,837
who's supposed to love and honor
and protect me!
101
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,772
You know,
102
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,640
I thought we were all
in this together,
103
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,708
but you know what?
104
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,010
I'm finding out now
that I'm just by myself!
105
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,547
Rochelle, what did he do?
106
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:18,986
I told Chris to wash the dishes.
107
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,389
And he told me, "No."
108
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,692
And what do you do?
109
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:27,628
Nothing!
110
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,969
While my father was trying
to figure out what to do,
111
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,639
I was starting to realize
what I had done.
112
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,574
What are you doing
here so early?
113
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:41,909
It's a long story.
114
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,076
Why you here?
115
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:45,546
I'm always here
for breakfast.
116
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,647
So what happened?
117
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,816
I talked back to my mother;
she's telling my father;
118
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,385
and I had to get out the house
before he got home.
119
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:52,753
What were you thinking?
120
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:53,854
She's always
making me do work
121
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:56,424
while Drew and Tonya sit around
like it's a hotel.
122
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:59,427
I mean, why do I have to be
a maid
123
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,729
Do I have on a black skirt
with a white apron?
124
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,464
That's a whole other type
of maid.
125
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,733
You're a fool.
Mothers do have limits.
126
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:06,900
I mean, there's only so much
they can take.
127
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,969
You know, one day you just
refuse to do the housework,
128
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,771
and then the next day
you wake up,
129
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,640
and there's some Italian lady
naked in your kitchen
130
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,675
at midnight eating
all your spumoni ice cream,
131
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,610
and your dad comes out
and he's, like,
132
00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:18,679
"Hey, just, you know,
go back to bed.
133
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,414
Forget all about it, Greg."
134
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,916
Well, after my dad
knocks my brains out,
135
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,819
I won't have to worry
about remembering anything.
136
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,088
While I was trying to savor
my last day of life,
137
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,425
Mr. Omar was trying
to savor a last meal.
138
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:34,061
So, the next thing I know,
the doctors call
139
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,864
and say I've gone
from a clean bill of health
140
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,867
to who knows how much time
left to live.
141
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,002
BOTH:
Tragic.
142
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:45,473
You see, most people are
decapitated by flying hubcaps.
143
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,709
Or fall down a flight of steps
144
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,778
and get strangled
between banister rails.
145
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:54,748
So knowing when I'm gonna die
allows me to make the most
146
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:57,685
of my remaining days
and get my affairs in order.
147
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,753
And he doesn't mean
business affairs.
148
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:02,490
So from now on,
I'm gonna do the things
149
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,057
I want to do
and say the things
150
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:09,663
I want to say without worrying
about the consequences.
151
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,469
Hey, Mr. Omar.
152
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,004
Oh, hey, Mr. Julius.
153
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:21,108
Unfortunately, I'm here
to give my 19-day notice.
154
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:21,775
You moving out?
155
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,712
Mm, no, more like moving on.
156
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,846
Where you going?
157
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,781
Well, that's the great mystery
of life,
158
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:28,716
isn't it, Mr. Julius?
159
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:31,251
Where do we go when we die?
160
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,855
Dying? Mr. Omar,
that's terrible.
161
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,023
Oh, no, it's not.
162
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,693
'Cause for the next 19 days,
I'm gonna be living it up!
163
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:41,529
Pass me the meatballs.
164
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,229
Okay.
165
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,832
Whoa-whoa-whoa,
where's Chris?
166
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,099
Chris said he had to work late.
167
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,569
Good, then he'll be home soon.
168
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,870
Julius,
169
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,171
your son is trying to kill me.
170
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:54,107
Go find him and stop him.
171
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:05,252
With my father on the way
to Doc's,
172
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,788
I was a dead man working.
173
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,560
We need to talk.
174
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,164
I just need
to understand
175
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,567
why you would talk
to your mother like that.
176
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,669
Dad, Drew and Tonya
were sitting down watching TV,
177
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,171
and I'm the only one
Mom said to go clean up.
178
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,873
It's just not fair.
179
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,675
You raised me to stand up
for myself,
180
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,077
so why do I get in trouble
when I do it at home?
181
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,912
Look, Chris, you might
win the battle,
182
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:32,880
but you're gonna
lose the war.
183
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,584
Sometimes it's not
about just being right.
184
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,885
Hey, look,
185
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,820
you need to apologize
to your mother.
186
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,590
Why?
187
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,592
Because she will make
your life miserable.
188
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,660
You know how many times
I've been right
189
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:48,328
and still had
to apologize?
190
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,765
469,531 times.
191
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:52,833
And counting.
192
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,802
How is that even possible?
193
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:55,803
Because she doesn't care.
194
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,070
It doesn't make any sense.
195
00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:57,638
Exactly.
196
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,873
Look, that's the #1 rule
197
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,876
of living with women:
nothing makes sense.
198
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,344
When you learn this,
199
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,280
then you'll finally understand
what it is to be a man.
200
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:10,784
Wrong or right, you
still have to be sorry.
201
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,200
I had survived the walk home.
202
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,869
Now all I had to do
was apologize,
203
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,071
and my life would go back
to normal.
204
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,874
So did you
talk to him?
205
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,743
I talked to him.
206
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:36,744
Good.
207
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:39,647
Chris, clean up the table
and do the dishes.
208
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,784
No.
209
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,989
Well, it's been nice
knowing you, America.
210
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,828
CHRIS ROCK:
I had put my foot down.
211
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:57,264
But unfortunately,
it was into my own grave.
212
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,966
So I thought
you talked to him?
213
00:09:58,999 --> 00:09:59,967
I did.
214
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,001
And he's got a point.
215
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:01,802
What?!
216
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,671
Why should Drew and Tonya
watch TV
217
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,938
while Chris cleans up
their mess?
218
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:08,976
I do not have to explain
to him why I do
219
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:09,977
the things
that I do.
220
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,344
If I want him to do something
221
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,647
that I don't want
the other kids to do,
222
00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:15,816
I probably have a good reason!
223
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,851
And do you have a good reason?
No.
224
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,787
But that doesn't matter!
225
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,321
He's growing up, Rochelle.
226
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,391
If you ask him to do something
that seems unfair,
227
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,458
he's gonna
want to know why.
228
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,861
You wanted a strong-minded kid,
well, you got one.
229
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,698
Oh.
230
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,833
Okay, I-I see.
231
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,134
Oh, if he wants to be grown,
232
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,036
then he's grown.
233
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:37,905
Fine.
234
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:40,107
How come when a woman
says "fine,"
235
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,844
it's never actually fine?
236
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:44,878
First thing in the morning,
237
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:47,380
my mother did
the meanest thing yet: nothing.
238
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,182
Why didn't you wake me up?
I'm late for school.
239
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,951
You're grown.
Wake yourself up.
240
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,385
You don't want to
do nothing for me,
241
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,821
I ain't doing
nothing for you.
242
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:54,922
And she didn't.
243
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:57,024
She didn't do my laundry.
244
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:58,726
Where are my underwear?
245
00:10:58,759 --> 00:10:59,993
You're grown.
Wash your own drawers.
246
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:05,065
She didn't make my meals.
247
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,066
Where's my breakfast?
248
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,067
You're grown.
249
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,335
You can cook your own food.
250
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:14,341
While my mother was teaching me
a lesson about life,
251
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,977
Mr. Omar was giving out
lessons about death.
252
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:20,080
And I also will take that helmet
and those death darts.
253
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:22,049
That's a Crock-Pot
and pens, man.
254
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,951
Not in the jungle,
it's not.
255
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,719
You know, I can make
256
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,288
a hand grenade out of a can
of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.
257
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,958
Well, you need to use it
to blow your own brains out.
258
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:33,961
Don't they have centers
for people like you?
259
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,264
Bye.
260
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:40,734
Excuse me.
261
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:41,969
Hey, Monk.
Hey, Julius.
262
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,205
Hey, aloha,
Mr. Julius.
263
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,107
You can't have all these people
in the hallway.
264
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,742
What you gonna do about it?
265
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:49,642
I'm dying.
266
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:52,079
Mr. Omar, these people
are turning my house
267
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,080
into a fire hazard.
268
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,315
Well, with all that asbestos
269
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,050
in the walls and ceiling,
270
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,952
you ain't got to worry
about no fire.
271
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,453
It's the asthma
that's gonna kill you.
272
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,122
Excuse me?
You're cheap!
273
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,457
You're a bald-headed,
274
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,393
penny-pinching skinflint.
275
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,061
Watch yourself, Mr. Omar.
276
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,763
What's to watch?! I'm dying.
277
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,534
While my father was thinking
about breaking a lamp
278
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,169
over Mr. Omar's head,
279
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,005
I was trying not to break down.
280
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,840
Dude, you look terrible.
281
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,975
I know. It was
a rough morning.
282
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,044
Mom decided she's not gonna
do anything for me anymore.
283
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,512
Barely made it
to school.
284
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,148
If you back down now, you'll
miss the one chance you have
285
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,050
to make sure
your voice is heard.
I know.
286
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,419
All I have to do is stick it out
just a little bit longer.
287
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,988
She's been mad at me before,
and she'll be mad at me again.
288
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,023
What's she gonna do,
289
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,224
not be my mother anymore?
290
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,192
(woman speaking
indistinctly over P.A.)
291
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,094
I'd like to return
this child.
292
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,063
Do you have the receipt?
293
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,198
Sure do.
294
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,366
Looks good.
295
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,135
Take this to the cashier
for your refund.
296
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,069
Thank you.
297
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,905
I was trying to become
my own person,
298
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,907
but my mother still thought
she owned me.
299
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,177
What you think
you're doing?
300
00:12:57,210 --> 00:13:00,580
I'm making breakfast.
301
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,916
With my eggs?
302
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,885
No, I bought the eggs,
and I bought the bacon.
303
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,053
Oh.
304
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,822
Well, you ain't
buy that skillet.
305
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,190
You ain't buy that fire.
306
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,492
You ain't buy that spatula.
You ain't buy that plate.
307
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,394
Next time, I'll remember
to buy a paper plate.
308
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,263
Ooh! Next time?
309
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,166
Oh, next...? "Oh, next time,
I'll remember to buy a paper..."
310
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,100
No, next time,
311
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,836
you need to remember
this ain't your kitchen!
312
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:26,206
This ain't your stove.
This ain't your floor.
313
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,841
Those ain't your
frozen gizzards.
314
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:29,576
That ain't your...!
You say none of this is mine,
315
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,311
maybe I should find
someplace else to be.
316
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,946
Uh-oh!
317
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:33,947
Did y'all see that?
318
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,448
I guess he
jumping bad now.
319
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,217
You bad!
I guess you Shaft!
320
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,086
You's a bad mother...
321
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,854
Shut your mouth! No.
322
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,190
Since you're so independent,
so liberated,
323
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,258
maybe you need to go live
in the Statue of Liberty.
324
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:46,459
Fine.
325
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,196
I'm leaving.
326
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,597
I stood my ground,
327
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:53,833
and now I was gonna be
standing out on the street.
328
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:02,142
CHRIS ROCK:
I left the house
before my mother
329
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,111
asked for her suitcase back.
330
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,078
Just say you're sorry.
331
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,313
What for?
332
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,981
Because you just got kicked out.
333
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,216
Look, I don't care, all right?
334
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,051
It's better than doing
everyone else's work.
335
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,286
If you had been
cleaning up after me
336
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,355
for the past ten years,
you'd know how I felt.
337
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,289
How you gonna eat?
338
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,624
I-I got a job.
339
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:18,525
Where you gonna stay?
340
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,193
I'll find a place.
341
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:21,161
Will you quit being stupid,
342
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,196
and go clean the kitchen
like Mama told you?
343
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:26,433
Look, if you want it clean
so bad, you go do it.
344
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,368
So you're really leaving?
345
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,070
Yeah.
346
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,140
Well, can I have your radio?
347
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,908
Fine.
348
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,246
Good luck, Chris.
349
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,487
ROCHELLE:
Yeah, since
this morning.
350
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,356
I mean, you know,
it's not a big deal,
351
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,224
but if Chris calls,
can you let me know?
352
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,426
Okay.
353
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:54,627
Thanks, Doc.
354
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,997
Why is this table such a mess?
355
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,165
Somebody fired the maid.
356
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,699
'Cause I'm not gonna
clean it up.
357
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,134
They're not gonna
clean it up.
358
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:02,569
When I find him,
Chris is gonna
359
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,271
clean it up.
When you find him?
360
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:05,705
Chris and Mom got
into another fight.
361
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,374
And she threw him
out of the house.
362
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,476
What do you mean,
you threw him out?
363
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,312
I may have implied
364
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,982
that since he was
so self-sufficient,
365
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,684
that maybe he should live
someplace else.
366
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,252
And then he left.
367
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:20,620
You telling me
you kicked our son out
368
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,022
because he didn't
do the dishes?
369
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,123
Exactly.
370
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,591
Not exactly.
371
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,359
But it's the principle, Julius!
372
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,428
Do you know what the words
373
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,429
"too far" mean?
374
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,663
Actually, she didn't.
375
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,032
You're cutting the boy's arm off
376
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:33,166
for sticking his finger
in the fan.
377
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,235
What?
378
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,970
Cutting off his arm?
379
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,005
I don't get it.
380
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,140
So am I the fan?
381
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,241
I'm pretty sure
Chris is the arm.
382
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,175
No, I think
the arm is the arm.
383
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:44,311
Chris is the boy.
Yeah, Chris is the boy.
384
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,246
Look, sticking his finger
in the fan
385
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,680
is just the equivalent
of doing something stupid.
386
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:48,815
Like talking
back to Mom.
Right.
387
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:51,184
So cutting the arm off is
kicking him out of the house?
388
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:53,286
Exactly.
So if he stuck
389
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,089
his finger in the fan,
and I didn't like it,
390
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,258
cutting his arm off
so he wouldn't do it again
391
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,292
wouldn't help.
Wouldn't help.
392
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,527
Oh.
Oh.
393
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,029
Got it.
394
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,164
I'm-I'm gonna go find Chris.
395
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,698
It's Saturday.
He probably just went
396
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,734
someplace in the neighborhood
to cool off.
397
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,237
Hopefully, not under a fan.
398
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:13,206
While my dad was talking sense
into his woman,
399
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,242
a woman was talking
some sense into me.
400
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:16,143
Boy, are you crazy?
401
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,078
You are lucky she
just threw you out.
402
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,679
But, V...
Chris, you challenged
her authority.
403
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,381
You left her no choice.
404
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,316
So if me or Tonya say no,
405
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,218
are you just gonna
kick us out, too?
406
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,619
Yes!
No.
407
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,321
I didn't kick him out, Drew.
408
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,322
He left.
409
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:30,290
After you kicked him out.
410
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,524
He only left
because you told him
411
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:33,126
to go live in
the Statue of Liberty.
412
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,394
CHRIS:
Okay, how am I
413
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:37,097
supposed to talk to her if she
won't listen to anything I say?
414
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,398
Chris, you are a child.
415
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,766
Parents don't negotiate
416
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,168
with children.
417
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:41,968
Even though I hate Chris,
418
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,570
I still wish
he would come back home.
419
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:44,571
I don't want him
420
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,406
to get stabbed
or shot
421
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,275
or turned out
or hooked on drugs.
422
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:51,078
Your brother is not
gonna get hooked on drugs.
423
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,579
Actually, he probably will.
424
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,314
Runaways tend to fall into
425
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,649
dangerous situations
pretty quickly.
426
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,485
And drugs and alcohol
provide a sedative
427
00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,619
to the trauma and isolation.
428
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,489
Chris, you need to go
429
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,590
back home.
430
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,425
Why? It's just gonna
happen again.
431
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,393
What if he doesn't
come back?
432
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,394
If he does,
433
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,328
it's just gonna happen again.
434
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,364
You know, if it was me
and it was my kid,
435
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,432
I think I would've
thought of
436
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,666
a different way
to say what I said,
437
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,502
so that my kid still
learned his lesson
438
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,636
while keeping
our family together.
439
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:18,805
VANESSA:
It's dishes!
440
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,408
You're acting like she told you
441
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,475
to bring down
the mob!
442
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:23,676
Actually, the mob was
443
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,178
slightly less vindictive
than my mother.
444
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,780
Hey, Vanessa.
445
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:28,848
Chris, let's go.
446
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,783
While me and my mother
447
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:32,485
were still bent out of shape,
448
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,322
Mr. Omar was about
to straighten something out.
449
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:36,656
Oh, hey, Mr. Julius!
450
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,525
Chris, go upstairs.
451
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,161
And don't say anything to
your mother till I get up there.
452
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,196
I don't want her
throwing you out again.
453
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,136
Hey, Chris!
454
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,237
What?
455
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,440
Um, I was wondering
had you rented my apartment yet.
456
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,708
You forgot to say,
"bald-headed skinflint."
457
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,444
Yeah.
458
00:17:57,477 --> 00:18:00,880
About that: I just wanted
to say I'm very sorry.
459
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,215
Whatever.
460
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,350
What difference is it to you
461
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,352
whether I rented
the place anyway?
462
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:06,353
Won't you be dead?
463
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,354
Uh, no, no.
464
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:08,321
Uh, turned out,
465
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:09,556
there was a mistake.
466
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:12,392
I got Mr. Watkins' prognosis,
and he got mine.
467
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,393
Who is Mr. Watkins?
468
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,361
He's the guy that's dying
469
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,428
instead of me.
470
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:19,499
Yeah, misdiagnosed
with a terminal condition
471
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,435
by a doctor
with a nearsighted nurse.
472
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,803
Tragic. Tragic!
473
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:26,406
Well... I guess
that's good news.
474
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,210
Uh, look, look, look,
Mr., Mr. Julius,
475
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,378
Mr. Julius.
476
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,313
I was speaking my mind,
477
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,382
but my mind
wasn't in the right place.
478
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,684
So you don't think
I'm a bald-headed...
479
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:39,719
Don't say it!
480
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,788
Don't you ever say that.
481
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,257
You're a good man, Mr. Julius.
482
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,526
Mr. Omar,
483
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,495
next time you think
you're dying,
484
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,364
before you start calling
people names, be sure.
485
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:57,704
Rent's due on the first.
486
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,210
Hallelujah!
487
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,917
All right, first of all,
488
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:14,187
in the future, no kid gets
thrown out of the house
489
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,422
unless we both throw them out.
490
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,558
Second,
491
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:19,826
your mother's in charge.
492
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,894
When she tells you
to do something, you do it.
493
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,963
You got it?
494
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:26,466
I'm talking to everybody here.
495
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,967
Now, do we all understand?
496
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:28,968
ALL:
Yes.
497
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,404
Good.
498
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:32,905
Chris, apologize to your mother.
499
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:35,842
I'm sorry.
500
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,477
JULIUS:
Sorry for what?
501
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,546
Mom, I'm sorry
for being disrespectful
502
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:40,647
and talking back to you.
503
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,949
JULIUS:
Good.
504
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,617
Rochelle?
505
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,454
Rochelle.
506
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,492
Chris, I'm sorry
for being unreasonable.
507
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,660
I know I was unfair.
508
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,462
JULIUS:
Okay.
509
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:56,929
This is over and done.
510
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,965
Chris, give your mother a hug.
511
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,708
I'm sorry, baby.
512
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,543
I love you.
513
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,679
I'm sorry, too, Mom.
514
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,680
JULIUS:
Great.
515
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,283
Drew, Tonya, go watch TV.
516
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,551
Chris, clean this mess up.
517
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:19,719
Yeah, baby!
518
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:24,557
* Everybody hates Chris.
519
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,560
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