Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: In all the years of school,

there was nothing I loved better than summer vacation,

and the next best thing was spring break.

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!

Greg?

It's spring break, not the end of racism.

Well, I'm celebrating now, 'cause once I get up

to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad,

it's not going to be good.

I thought your parents split up.

They did, but neither one

will give up the time share,

so I taking the bus to meet them

for a weekend of fishing and drinking and fighting.

Don't forget crying.

See you next week.

* Free falling, now I'm free falling... *

Hey, want to grab a bite?

Nah, I got to get home.

We're supposed to be headed out to Amityville Beach.

My dad wants to be on the road by 4:00.

Well, that sounds nice.

Hey, you're that black kid.

Hey, you're that white janitor.

Except for the fact that I hate the beach.

Last time I was there, I got sun rash.

(man singing in Italian on car stereo)

Man, cool ride.

Thanks.

It's my cousin's.

350 cubic inch engine, 240 horsepower, huh?

What I have to do to get a car like this?

Steal it. Want to take it for a spin?

You serious? Sure.

Five bucks.

He was like the Don "Magic" Juan of Camaros.

Now, it's a stick shift.

Make sure you keep the clutch in.

Right

White man down! White man down!

Oh, man.

Greg, you okay?

Who taught you how to drive?

Halle Berry.

Okay, let's get him in the trunk. What?!

Look, I got a rap sheet as long as your arm.

My PO thinks that I hit this kid,

I'm going back to jail for another 20 years.

I'll take care of it.

You mean, take care, take care?

No! I'll-I'll... I'll take him to the hospital,

and they'll take care of him.

All right, I'm counting on you.

As long as nobody talks, we won't have any problems.

He should be a marriage counselor.

Greg? Oh.

Greg? Wake up.

Look, Greg, wake up.

Wake up, Greg!

Aw!

Dude, you hit me with a car.

Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

* Ah, make it funky now.

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Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK: After running Greg down,

my biggest concern was getting him to shut up.

This is just great.

Just because I didn't want to spend the week arguing

didn't mean I wanted to get hit by a car.

That'll teach you to be more specific.

Be quiet! I did not hit you.

Uh, yeah, you did.

Shh!

Gregory?

I spoke with the doctor, and he says you can't be released

unless you have an adult to take you home.

Well, are my parents coming to get me?

Well... no.

The hospital can keep you

for up to four days,

and your parents' vacation is for five.

They think you're in good hands here,

and so they'll pick you up on Friday.

* Hold me now Great.

Ms. Morello, can I talk to you for a minute?

* Oh, oh, hold my heart... I'll be right back.

So, where were we?

Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain

how you didn't run me over.

No, I didn't.

So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel

when my face smashed up against the windshield?

No, because if I had hit you,

that meant I was driving someone's car.

And that someone would go to jail

for a really, really, really long time if we snitched.

So not only would you be hurt,

but he would be hurt, also,

and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?

Okay, I get it.

You didn't hit me.

Spoken just like Tina Turner.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But, uh, just between you and me...

I know it was you, Chris.

I know it was you.

While I was making it clear that I didn't hit Greg,

my family was getting ready to hit the road.

When are we leaving?

We'll head for the beach as soon as Chris gets home.

Can't we just leave him? No.

Can you just leave me? I hate the sand.

I don't know where it comes from,

and it gets into places you can't get it out of.

Like broke cousins.

What

I'm going to bury you

in the sand at low tide if you don't shut up.

Nobody wants to go on this stupid trip besides you.

That's enough, you two.

Oh!

Is everything okay?

No. Chris is at the hospital.

What?! He's fine.

Greg was involved in a hit-and-run accident.

Oh, that's good.

His leg is broken.

I gonna have to go pick them up.

All right. Kids, take this and all your stuff to the car.

We were supposed to be leaving for Amityville.

She doesn't want to go to Amityville.

I know, baby,

but maybe you guys should go ahead without us.

Told you.

What? We've been saving up for this trip for weeks.

I know, baby, but you know what?

Greg's parents are out of town,

and he'll have to stay in the hospital

a whole week if I don't get him.

I'm disappointed, Chris is disappointed.

It's horrible.

In other words, she doesn't want to go.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Go ahead.

You guys enjoy yourself at the beach.

Love you. Bye.

I'm gonna miss you.

No, she won't. Bye.

TONYA: Ma, tell him, Black people go to the beach.

DREW: Ma, they don't. Can I just stay with you? I can't...

Call Dr. Graham, get ER One prepped.

Ah, my toe! Ah, my foot!

Okay, move it, people. D-fib standing by.

I need 10cc's of...

Stat! Let's move it!

Mm.

What's going on?

The Uncle of Sam got somebody else.

You mean the Son of Sam?

Nah, they got him.

This is the Uncle of Sam.

He doesn't kill people-- he chokes them.

GREG: He chokes people?

Unconscious.

Over seven people so far.

Yup, that mole still lives.

All right, baby, now, that's gonna itch,

but you'll get used to it.

Unlike that mole.

What? Nothing.

That mole is so big,

SAG made us give it a screen credit.

So it's cool.

My mom said you can stay with us.

Well, what about your vacation?

Nobody wanted to go on that stupid trip but Tonya.

Drew doesn't like the sand, I get sun rash,

and ever since my mom saw Jaws and The Amityville Horror,

she won't step foot on Long Island.

Later, I found out

that just because Greg and I weren't talking

didn't mean nobody was asking.

Gregory, this officer needs

to ask you a few questions.

Son, do you know who hit you?

Uh...

Was it a Black guy?

Um, Greg's pretty tired.

I think maybe we should do this later.

I know you're probably still in shock,

but I'd like you to take a look at a few guys,

see if you recognize anybody.

Oh, my.

I don't think it was any of these guys.

What about this one?

Looks pretty mean.

Hey, man, I work here.

Hey, sweetie,

you need something?

Yeah, Greg's gonna need a bedpan.

Oh, okay. I'm gonna need everybody

to step out a minute, please.

Now, let's go, boys.

Don't worry, kid. We'll catch this guy.

You have my word.

And I'll be right back, okay?

So, try and hold it, 'cause I need my gloves.

Man, this is messed up.

That's okay.

We've survived worse things.

Remember that time we survived those Cuban drug runners?

Where's the drugs?!

We don't have any Coke,

but there's a Pepsi machine downstairs.

(chain saw buzzing, indistinct shouting)

Yeah, and remember that time

we got captured by those Vietnamese guys?

Mow!

Mow! Mow!

Come on! Go ahead, Greg.

Go ahead. Mow.

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be all right.

Mow!

Go ahead.

Go fish.

Mow!

Mow!

Remember that time we took out that mobster?

Leave the gun.

Take the Pop Tarts.

Yeah, we've had some pretty crazy times.

Yeah. We have.

Hey.

So, you ready?

Are you ever ready for that?

Even though Greg's condition was better,

our situation seemed like it kept getting worse.

All I'm saying

is the police better find him before I do.

My poor son got one little friend,

and somebody got the nerve to try to kill him?

Oh, no.

Maybe the driver didn't see him.

Maybe he shouldn't have been driving.

That's right.

No excuses.

They better not find him,

'cause if they do, I'm going to jail.

She didn't get that upset when I got shot.

Ooh, we better get inside, you guys.

It sounds like rain.

Wow, there was no rain in the forecast.

Great, can we go home now?

No, we're not going anywhere.

I paid for the motel.

We're gonna stay in the motel.

Besides,

it's probably just a passing cloud.

That's what they said about Katrina.

It better be.

Not only was it raining at the beach,

back at home, it was raining on my parade.

Chris.

You guys need to eat so we can go.

Go where?

To the police station.

They called and said they

have a suspect in custody.

A witness gave a pretty good description.

A witness? A witness?

The bad part about committing a crime

is that you're paying attention to the crime.

Give me your money.

And not to who is watching you do it.

You hear something?

Down at the precinct, somebody was about to get fingered,

and I was praying it wasn't going to be me.

Okay, you guys sit down right here.

I'll be right back.

Dude, that's the janitor.

Where? There.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, no.

What's wrong?

Remember when I said if we talked

someone would go to jail?

He's that someone.

It was his car.

GREG: Wait, dude, I don't get this.

Your mom said they had someone in custody.

He's in disguise, but he's not in custody.

Wait,

so if they didn't arrest me

and they didn't arrest him,

who did they arrest?

Number three, step forward.

Chris, isn't that your wrestling coach?

I guess that answers who they arrested.

CHRIS ROCK: An important lesson to learn:

if you don't want to be accused of a crime,

don't have a twin who's a criminal.

Why'd you arrest our coach?

The witness described the car

she saw leaving the scene.

He's the owner of the car

that matched that description.

Well, that's not the guy who hit me.

Well, maybe he is.

Does this jog your memory, Greg?

No.

How about now?

No, it's not Coach Brantley.

It's not any of those guys.

I told you I didn't know.

So, you saw him, but just didn't know him?

This is good.

You're starting to remember.

Let's get you with our sketch artist,

and you can describe what the driver looks like.

DETECTIVE: Let's go.

I was afraid the police had broke Greg

and he described his hit and run driver: me.

Uh, I need to go to the bathroom.

This was back in the '80s when going to the bathroom

in police stations was still safe.

Come on, we need to talk.

What happened?

Look, there's nothing to worry about.

You sure about that?

Yeah.

I mean, I know that there are people

that would be very upset if they were ever implicated

in any way in my accidental car accident.

CHRIS: Yeah, and if we

knew anything, which we don't,

we wouldn't talk, which we haven't.

There you are.

Can you believe this?

Yeah... uh, no, no.

What happened in there?

It's crazy.

These cops, they drag me down here, talking about

I ran some kid over outside the school.

That's nuts.

I got a nice ride.

I want to hit a kid, I'll punch him

in the face, I'm not gonna dent my car.

You know, those cops are crazy, cuz.

They bring you down here for nothing.

29 times I get arrested.

For nothing.

You and DMX.

Yeah, it's crazy.

What are you guys doing here?

I don't know.

We're here with my mom.

She's thinking about applying for a job

as a crossing guard. Yeah.

Well, if kids are getting run over

outside the school, they need one.

We got to go.

So, what did you tell the cops?

Don't worry.

I described a guy they'll never find.

Man, I didn't hit a kid with a car.

This is New York City.

I take the subway everywhere or I walk.

I don't even drive.

Isn't that Kristoff St. John?

Yep. That's not him.

That guy...

is this guy.

I'm telling you, it's not him.

I must have been nervous.

Take another look.

Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Yeah, he's right, that's not him.

Boy, I thought you said you didn't see anything.

Yeah, dummy.

Oh, now that I think about it, it's kind of

all coming back.

As I came around the corner, I think I might

have caught a glimpse of the driver.

Well, let's get you with the sketch artist.

Jesse from All My Children, you're next.

So, what, uh, does this mean

that Kristoff St. John is innocent?

I'm afraid so.

Hold on a moment, Greg.

Kristoff!

Can I get your autograph?!

I am your biggest fan!

While I was dodging another bullet,

raindrops kept falling on my father's head.

This place is amazing.

They got free shampoo, conditioner and soap.

It was kind of hard

to go to the bathroom

with that strip of paper across the seat.

I did it, though.

This is great.

Dad, we got to get one of these.

This is the worst vacation ever.

We haven't even seen the beach.

I'm sorry, baby.

If I could, I would bring the beach inside.

My father's spring break had gotten rained out,

and my mother was enjoying being stretched out.

Hello?

Rochelle, it's me.

Hey, baby.

What's wrong?

It's been raining ever since we got here, that's what's wrong.

This is the worst vacation ever.

Oh, baby, that's too bad.

I feel like packing up and coming home tonight.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, don't do that.

Why not? Because she's on vacation from you.

Well, maybe you should travel during the day when it clears.

And I-I'm sure the kids are having a great time.

She's on vacation from them, too.

Dad, there's something wrong

with the sea turtle you got me.

It's not a sea turtle; it's a tortoise.

Turtle, tortoise... you know how hard

it was for me to catch that thing?

Well, it couldn't have been moving that fast.

That's it.

I'll see you in the morning.

No, no, wait, wait, baby, baby...

After I talked to the cops, I was hoping they

were drawing a whole new conclusion.

Man, I hope this is over. Trust me.

Unlike you, I described a guy they'll never be able to find.

Kristoff St. John.

Thanks for making me breakfast, Chris,

but can you go down to Doc's and get some orange juice?

I hate to ask, but, you know,

I can't walk. And you won't be able to eat

when I hit you upside the head with the frying pan.

It's raining.

Dude, you hit me

with a car, broke my leg,

and then made me lie to the cops.

I think the least you can do is get me some OJ.

Fine.

DETECTIVE: Ah, good.

We found that guy you described.

Oh, no, the cops got Jesse!

I did what I could so nobody got taken down,

and in the end, I got caught up.

This is bad.

I can't let some guy go to jail for what I did.

I got to turn myself in. Hang on, Chris.

Let's think about this.

If you turn yourself in, you'll go to jail

for hitting me, the janitor will go back

to prison for leaving the scene of a crime,

and I'll go to jail for lying to the police.

What about the guy they arrested, huh?

Do we just let his life get ruined

and we go about with our happy lives?

I wouldn't call it happy, but I know what you mean.

Yes.

No, I can't do this.

Excuse me, Officer, I got something I need

to tell you. Just a second.

They're bringing the guy in now.

There he is.

You'll never take me alive!

I thought the truth would set me free,

but instead, it darn near got me killed.

Chris, the city of New York

owes you a debt of gratitude.

Your description of Greg's hit and run assailant

led us to the Uncle of Sam.

The serial choker?

Yes, ma'am, but he was escalating.

He went from choking to plowing down.

Who knows what was next?

You're a brave kid, Chris.

No, I'm not.

While the Uncle of Sam got sent up the river,

my father drove home in the rain.

Ain't this about a...

After all was said and done,

Greg had something to say about what we did.

Hey, man, what's the matter?

We put the wrong man in jail.

Wrong man?

He was a serial choker.

Yeah, but he didn't hit me

with the car; you did.

Okay, so I hit you with the car, but if I hadn't,

they would have never caught the Uncle of Sam,

so we did a good thing.

Yeah, I guess.

The more important thing is

we got away with it.

No, we didn't. Yeah, we did.

Nobody knows about this but me and you. And your mother.

She doesn't know anything. Yeah, she does.

She's standing behind me, isn't she?

Yep.

GREG: Oh, God.

I'm okay.

You're the one who hit Greg?

It was an accident.

Why didn't you just tell the truth?

'Cause it was someone else's car.

I thought they'd go to jail.

Hitting someone with a car is not illegal.

Lying to the police is.

Ma, I know you're mad,

but it's over.

It all worked out.

It's not a big deal.

You broke your friend's leg, you both lied to the police,

we were in the middle of a police shootout

with a serial choker,

and you don't think it's a big deal?

Not in Bed-Stuy.

Is it a big deal now?

So, what did they get you for?

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org