Original subtitles

*

CHRIS ROCK: Before Cops was a show on TV,

I saw cops chasing criminals every day

on the streets in Bed-Stuy.

Some of the criminals were fast.

Come on. Let's go!

* Annie, are you okay?

* So, Annie, are you okay...

Some of them were fast,

then slow.

And no matter what you saw,

the most important thing was to not get involved.

* Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? *

* Annie, are you okay...?

Hold this. What is it?

What you think it is?

And you better have it when I get back!

* ...He came into your apartment *

* Left the bloodstains on the carpet... *

Hey, where's the weed, T.J.?

I ain't got no weed, man!

Yeah, right.

Where's the weed, T.J.?

I had never actually seen real marijuana.

But after having a bag of it shoved into my hands,

I knew one thing: Where's the weed, T.J.?

if that's what happened to the guy who didn't have the weed,

I didn't want to know what would happen

to the guy who did have it.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems:

big ones, like losing your job;

and little ones, like trying to figure out where to hide it.

I thought about hiding it in the bathroom.

* Mary Jane...

Who's hiding $27 worth of weed in the toilet?!

* I'm in love with Mary Jane... *

I thought about hiding it in my room.

* She's my main thing...

Mama!

Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

I even thought about hiding it in the kitchen.

* She comes as no surprise...

Who hid weed in my cereal?!

But I decided the safest place to hide it

was on me.

Even though I hid the weed, I couldn't hide the smell.

What is that?

What is what?

That smell.

I don't smell anything.

Maybe it's the greens.

If you can't smell anything,

how do you know it's the greens?

That's not greens.

Oh, it's greens, all right.

It smells like it's coming from under

the table.

It smells

like weed.

How do you know what weed smells like?

Scratch 'n sniff Rick James sticker?

I think I might have smelled it at the record store.

What record store?

The Jamaican record store.

I went there to get the new Lisa Lisa album.

Ya, mon, check back next week!

How many times do I have to tell you kids,

the Jamaicans do not sell records?

Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

What were you doing over there anyway?

Andrea is having a listening party

for the new Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam album.

And I wanted the album so I would know the songs.

But it's not out yet.

She was such a big fan of Lisa Lisa,

for a while we had to call her Tonya Tonya.

Party

Wednesday after school.

Can I go? No.

My father hardly ever said no to Tonya,

so we were more shocked than she was.

What? What?

Tonya, change your tone.

How come I can't go?

It's just Andrea's.

I can't sleep if I know you're not home.

I said no. That's it.

That look means, "We'll see about that."

Keeping weed on me

didn't seem like such a great idea,

so I decided to just keep it near me.

Back at school, I had Jamaican Gold in my shoe

and Italian Greg on my case.

Are you crazy bringing that here?

I couldn't leave it at home.

Well, you're gonna be leaving everything at home

when you end up in jail.

Why didn't you just throw it away?

Because he knows who I am, and knows where I work--

plus he said that when he comes back,

I better have it.

What difference does it make what he says?

He's going to jail. And when he gets out,

this weed's gonna be right there at Doc's waiting for him.

I don't care if it takes 20 years.

It might be legal by then.

Well, you can't keep it in that sock.

You smell like the ocean.

I have no where else to put it.

Some drug mules would beg to differ.

I'll get you something.

Meet me in the bathroom before lunch.

Hey, girl.

Hey!

What's all this?

I got you a computer.

A computer

To keep the salon organized.

It holds customer information, appointments,

calculate our accounts receivable and payable.

It does just about everything but hair.

Oh, I don't need a computer.

Girl, I'm a walking computer.

But I'm not.

Girl, I don't even know what's going on

in my own salon anymore.

Sounds like my father.

Try it! You'll like it.

That sounds like my father, too.

While my mom was entering the computer age,

Greg was contemplating the stoned age.

Chris?

Yeah?

Hey, up top.

What's this?

It's a kitchen container.

It's airtight.

That way it keeps all the freshness in,

but it keeps the smells from getting out.

Hey, by the way.

I got an idea.

Maybe we should just smoke it.

You know, get rid of all the evidence.

Are you high?

I'm trying to hide the evidence,

not be the evidence.

What about T.J.?

Look, every moment you have that weed in your possession,

you increase the statistical chances of getting caught.

You could go to jail.

If we smoke it, it's gone.

I'm gonna not do that, all right?

I'm gonna take my chances not being high.

Somewhere, Bobby Brown said, "This show is ridiculous,"

and changed the channel.

While I was holding weed,

my mother was about to hold a grudge.

Hey, Peaches.

Hi!

Whatcha you doing here?

Vanessa said

that she would give me a discount on my next touch-up

if I showed you all your way around the computer.

Rochelle, this girl, she knows what she is doing.

Most people, they get out of prison--

they end up back in jail.

This girl is gonna end up running a company.

Well, it can't be too hard if you learned it in prison.

You know, a lot of people think

when you're in prison, all you learn

is how to be a better criminal.

But if you stay positive and motivated,

you can learn anything in there.

You could become a lawyer. You could get in shape.

I'm telling you, my prison was better than school.

How would she know?

She's never been to school.

Well, that's okay.

I could do it. You know, uh, Ow. Ooh.

I like to get a feel for things myself.

I'm more of a... a hands-on type.

She's more the hands-on-your-neck type.

Oh!

While the weed was burning a hole in my gym bag,

I was hoping not to burn my lasagna.

Remember:

this dish will count as 50% towards your final grade.

How's your lasagna, Chris?

Great. I'm just putting the finishing touches

on the sauce.

How's your angel food cake?

It's gonna be just like me...

...sweet and light

and everybody'll want a piece.

If everyone is George Michael.

Whatever you say.

Ay bendito,

hold me!

Angel, please let me go.

I'm sorry. I'm scared.

So am I.

Please let me go.

MAN: Ma'am. Oh, come on in.

What's going on?

Oh, looks like a random drug raid.

Drug raid?

There's a lot of people getting high in school these days.

That's why they call it high school.

But they didn't announce they were gonna do this.

That's why it's called a raid, papi.

Class,

this is K-9 Officer Kilo.

Now, there's no reason to be afraid.

He doesn't bite unless he's ordered to.

He's better behaved than Naomi Campbell.

We're just here to do a walk-through.

Just keep your places. We'll be done in a sec.

They either had weed or John Mayer was playing outside.

OFFICER: Get him!

Hold on here. Get back here!

This was gonna be the lasagna that bakes you back.

Now I had two problems.

The guy's weed was in a lasagna.

And I had a lasagna full of weed.

Ooh, that looks delicious!

I would've thought you would fry up some chicken,

but this is a real surprise.

Leave your dishes at your stations.

I'm gonna wrap and label this

and keep them in the freezer for Friday.

Friday

It's a movie about weed with Ice Cube and Chris Tucker.

The faculty will be judging your dishes this year.

And you're representing your class.

And that's my ass.

While I worried about prison bars,

my mother struggled to become Bill Gates.

Hey, Mom. Hey!

Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

Peaches told us we can come

and she'll show us how to work the computer.

One day, everybody is gonna have one of these.

No reason they can't get a head start.

Um, I'm a little busy right now.

Oh, come on, Ma. Can we try it, please?

Girl, go ahead. Let 'em try.

After a few minutes with Peaches,

they'll be teaching you things.

Go on.

But just a minute.

Oh, what are you doing

with these manuals?

Funny!

Can I talk you for a minute?

Do you have a problem with me?

What? No.

Why would you ask me that?

Because you keep embarrassing me in front of people.

And Peaches is in there acting like

she's Albert Einstein with my kids.

Now, if you want to replace me,

then just say so.

Rochelle, you're being ridiculous.

How would you feel if I bought a computer here that

knew how to do hair and she knew how to work it and you didn't?

Rochelle, you sound like a crazy woman.

Now, if you don't want her

helping with the computer, fine.

But you better learn it fast, 'cause the person that

manages this store is going to be working on that computer.

While my mother was getting the lowdown from Vanessa,

I was trying not to get the whole faculty high.

Hey, I know you. You're that black kid.

How'd you like to make a five spot?

I'd like that.

I need to get into the Home Ec room.

I left something in there. Sure.

What'd you leave?

I'd rather not say.

Let's just say

we left five bucks in there. Oh.

: Five bucks.

That's good. That's very clever.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to Andrea's listening party.

Dad said you couldn't go.

: "Dad said you couldn't go."

Dad is asleep and Mama's at work.

As long as I get home before Daddy wakes up,

and you keep your mouth shut and stay out of my business,

then we shouldn't have a problem.

A'ight.

When a person says "a'ight,"

that means, "Do what you want,

but I'm telling you it's a bad idea."

Mr. President, I'm telling you, I think hiring

this Lewinsky girl is a bad idea.

CLINTON : I don't care what you think.

I want her on the clock Monday morning.

Got me?

A'ight.

While Tonya was breaking out, I was breaking in.

Oh, man, where's all the food?

Mrs. Williams had me move it over to the cafeteria freezer.

Why didn't you tell us this before?

Listen here, Mr. I'd-Rather-Not-Say,

how do I know what you're looking for?

Blame yourself.

Well, can you let us into the cafeteria kitchen?

No, only the chef has those keys now.

I think you're going to need a Plan B.

As in "bail" money.

I always believed that drugs could destroy your life

because I wasn't even using them

and my life was getting worse by the day.

The next time we're going to see that lasagna

is when the faculty is eating it.

If only we could pull an Indiana Jones,

like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

You mean when he swaps the bag of sand for a statue?

Yeah, the old bait-and-switch.

All right, I guess I can make

another lasagna, but how are we going to switch that

with the weed lasagna without anybody seeing?

See the answer in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Weed.

Hey. * Baby, I think I love you

Hey, what's up, Julius? * From head to toe

Have you heard

of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam? Oh, that's it.

Ooh, that song is hotter than grits on Al Green, baby.

Look, I need that album for Tonya.

She wanted to hear it at a listening party,

but I wouldn't let her go.

I can't let her be the only girl on the block

that hasn't heard it. Oh, man, you're in luck.

Shoot, this came out yesterday in limited release.

He released it from the back of a truck.

And the only people that are listening to it

are listening parties and me.

And you're lucky.

I love $12 more than I love Lisa Lisa.

My dad was wondering if he could just have

one Lisa for half the price.

* From head to toe

Ha-ha! Here you go.

All right, thank you. Enjoy, brother.

* I love you from head to toe... *

Back at home, my mother was about to find out

about something she didn't know.

Mmm, that smells good.

It's lasagna. Chris made it.

I didn't know he could make lasagna.

Yeah, he learned in Home Ec.

One is for us, and the other,

he has to take back to his school.

So don't eat it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to register

for computer class at the Learning Skills Annex.

How much is that going to cost? Not much.

Drew and Tonya said Peaches was teaching them the computer.

How come she can't teach you?

: * Ooh, baby, I think I love you *

* From head to toe. Peaches only knows a little.

I need to learn about programming.

Oh, no, she knows all about that.

She designed this program that lets her log in

all her community service hours.

Baby, if Peaches can teach you for free,

how come I'm paying for classes?

'Cause you're not married to Peaches.

Now, can I take my class or would you rather

me get locked up and learn in jail?

He's seriously thinking about this.

Hey, it's okay.

Take your classes.

At school the next day, I had to stop the cook-off

from turning into a bake-off.

We have to create a diversion.

Nobody will be paying attention and it'll be

the perfect time to switch the lasagnas.

Are you serious?

As a heart attack.

Wait for my signal.

And now, I'd like to begin the tasting.

Come on.

I bet you you would've.

Okay, this is not a scheduled alarm.

I need everyone to evacuate

in an orderly fashion.

Chris, come on!

You might be black, but you're not fireproof.

Leave that bag there.

GREG: Chris!

What took you so long?

Just wanted to make sure nobody saw me.

Cool.

Meanwhile, my mother was paying for computer classes

to save her pride.

Hi, class!

Welcome to Computer Love Lesson.

I Peaches!

Y'all know y'all don't know nothing, right?

I managed to get the lasagna out of school.

Now all I had to do was make sure me and T.J. were cool.

T.J.: Hey!

I want my stuff.

And you bet not have smoked none.

Oh, I didn't smoke it.

I, uh, baked it.

There you go.

Hmm-hmm...

So let me get this straight.

You didn't want to learn the computer from me,

but then I catch you

trying to learn it from somebody else.

Peaches, you're the one teaching me.

You didn't know it was going to be me.

How could you do this, Rochelle?

I am your friend.

I didn't want you to think

that I wasn't smart enough to learn it.

Why come?

'Cause I learned it in a prison?

No. Yes!

Tell the truth.

Tell the truth and set your mind free.

Okay, I was jealous. Jealous of who?

You. Me?

Yeah. Why?

Because I didn't want people to think that you were better than me.

Better than you? Yeah.

I'm a felon.

I have a parole officer. I can't vote.

I have a tattoo on my back

made with a safety pin.

And it says "Larry."

And it's misspelled, L-A-R-Y-R.

And Larry did it.

Oh. Rochelle, I'm not

better than you, I want to be just like you.

How many times I gotta tell you that?

The only thing

I got going for me is these computers.

And last week, I was this close

to stealing each and every one of them.

Every day is a struggle, Rochelle, every day.

But I keep going and I keep going,

because someday I hope I can be half as good as you are.

You are.

I am what?

Half as good as me.

Thank you.

: Sorry.

What

What? I didn't hear that one.

: I'm sorry. No, you know what?

You really, you're mumbling and you really need to turn

the volume up like this: what, what?!

Okay, I said I was sorry.

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Thank you.

Now, sit down.

Two weeks later, Malvo stole all the computers

and used the money to have her tattoo removed.

Back at home, my father was doing

some computing of his own.

* ...from head to toe.

Catchy little tune, isn't it?

Huh?

You went to Andrea's house, didn't you?

Don't lie.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

No, she's not.

Tonya, come here.

Tonya, I know you're growing up,

and you can't be my little girl forever.

So throw her out the house.

But you've got junior high and high school in front of you.

And a foot coming up fast behind you.

That's the time when most kids make bad decisions.

I'm here to help you make good ones.

By choking some sense into you.

You understand?

I understand, Daddy.

For me?! Yup.

Thank you!

You did something I didn't like,

now I'm doing something you don't like.

You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12.

Man, that was such a close call.

It's a good thing I was able to get in there and switch those lasagnas.

What? I switched the lasagna.

When? Right before I left the room.

What did you do?

Chris, come on!

You might be black, but you're not fireproof!

Leave that bag there.

Wait a minute-- so that means that

I gave the lasagna with no weed in it to T.J.

That would be correct.

So if that went to T.J...

Who's got the lasagna with the weed in it?

* The tide is high, but I'm holding on... *

Feed me some more lasagna.

Mmm...

* I'm not the kind of girl

* Who gives up just

* Like that...

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org