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1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,672
MAN:
Hi, there.
2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,507
CHRIS ROCK:
In professional sports,
3
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,742
the best athletes
get a sneaker contract.
4
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:10,411
Are those Air Jordans?
5
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,380
Yeah. My dad got
them for me last year.
6
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:13,481
Oh, that's so cool.
7
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,083
He's like the best
guy in the NBA.
8
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,485
As cool as it was having
Jordan sneakers,
9
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,654
it was nowhere near as cool
as having a varsity letter.
10
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,423
Man, I would set
these sneakers on fire
11
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,325
and eat them
for a varsity letter.
12
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,460
That's how David Blaine
got his.
13
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:27,795
I'd get respect.
14
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:28,796
Good morning, sir.
15
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,398
Here are your books.
16
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,266
What time would you like
to smack the crap out of me?
17
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,268
2:30.
Thank you, sir.
18
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:35,603
I'd get perks.
19
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,770
Chris,
20
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,772
you're excused from
all of your classes.
21
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,508
Professor Lee will be
taking them for you.
22
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,176
Is he smart?
23
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,644
Chris, he's Asian.
24
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,415
If you could turn
his smart into black,
25
00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:50,084
he'd be darker than Yaphet
Kotto in a pot of chocolate.
26
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:51,252
Cool.
27
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,520
If Yaphet Kotto fell
28
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,822
into your pot of chocolate,
how would you know?
29
00:00:54,855 --> 00:01:00,261
And I'd get the only thing
I really cared about-- girls.
30
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:01,729
GIRLS:
Good morning, Chris.
31
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,164
Good morning, angels.
32
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:12,373
Watch it, Jabbar.
33
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:13,574
Oh, man, he
scuffed your shoe.
34
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,708
I don't care
about this shoe.
35
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,009
I want to get one
of them letters.
36
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:19,513
And the letter's gonna get me
one of those girls.
37
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,629
* Ah, make it funky now.
38
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:45,706
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
39
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:54,615
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
40
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,916
CHRIS ROCK:
Wanting a letter was one thing.
41
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,152
Figuring out how to get it
was a whole other story.
42
00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,687
How am I supposed to
get a letter in a sport
43
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,322
when I'm terrible
at sports?
44
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,424
Maybe there's something
a guy like you would be good at.
45
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,226
I need a sport
without water,
46
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:08,496
balls, hoops, hurdles,
bats, cleats, clubs, gloves,
47
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,265
tracks, fields,
weights or boards.
48
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,433
Isn't that cheerleading?
49
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,302
How about wrestling?
50
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,369
I can't wrestle.
Anybody can wrestle.
51
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,837
It's just two
guys on a mat
52
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,005
trying to throw
each other down.
53
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,874
Or as they call it
in Chelsea, "Wednesday."
54
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,576
No way. I'll get killed.
55
00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:23,744
I only weigh 112 pounds.
56
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:24,612
They got weight classes.
57
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,447
You only have to fight
people your size.
58
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,349
If you can't beat a guy
who weighs 112 pounds,
59
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,484
you don't deserve
that letter.
60
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,820
* The B to the R,
Double-O, K, Lyn *
61
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,922
* Comin' straight from Brooklyn,
you know that I'm-a win *
62
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,391
* The B to the R,
Double-O, K, Lyn *
63
00:02:37,425 --> 00:02:39,627
* The B to the R, Double-O,
K, Lyn... *
64
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,594
I can do that.
65
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:41,462
Do what?
66
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,197
Make a video
for Video Turntable.
67
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,232
You can't sing.
68
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,566
I'm not gonna sing.
69
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,800
I'm gonna be the producer,
70
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,569
like Hurby Luv Bug
with Salt-N-Pepa.
71
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,471
How you gonna do that?
72
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,207
Yo, welcome back.
73
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:55,476
Hey! Want to get your video
played on Video Turntable?
74
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,977
Send it in and get paid.
75
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:57,945
The more it gets played,
76
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,981
The more you gets * paid.
77
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,317
Yo. Section Eight. Hit me.
78
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,718
* In-In-novator
79
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,954
* In-novator,
in-in-ovator... *
80
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,622
See? I told you.
81
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,524
I'm gonna put together
a girl group,
82
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:11,992
make a video
and get it on TV.
83
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,761
It'll be cool.
84
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,996
* I'm the Arabian Prince
and the crew is the Sheiks *
85
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,333
* We are here
to move your feet *
86
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,702
Can I be in it?
No.
87
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,837
* To rock the population,
give you no compensation... *
88
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,973
While Tonya tried to get
into Drew's group,
89
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,576
my mother tried to get
into a pair of jeans.
90
00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:38,786
Dang it!
91
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,600
She sweated less
during childbirth.
92
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:53,801
That's it.
93
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,968
I'm going on a diet.
94
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,604
While my mother
95
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:58,739
was struggling
to put on her jeans,
96
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,309
I was struggling
to put on a brave face.
97
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,617
Nice job.
98
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,951
Next.
99
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:18,992
What do you weigh?
100
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:20,828
One-twelve.
101
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,796
We got nobody
in your weight class.
102
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:26,500
Guess I'll just leave, then.
103
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,669
Don't be an idiot.
104
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,903
You weighed in at 112.
105
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,639
You'll wrestle 113.
106
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,641
Got nobody in
your weight class?
107
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,677
You're automatically
on the varsity.
108
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:37,811
The first time in my life
109
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:40,614
being a skinny nerd
worked in my favor.
110
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,683
Meanwhile, Drew found
a place to rehearse
111
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,352
with a man who drove a hearse.
112
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,654
So I just need to rent
your place for rehearsals.
113
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:50,524
Huh. So you won't be videotaping
anything untoward, will you?
114
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:51,825
I don't know
what that means.
115
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:55,896
It means-- lewd, nude, crude,
116
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,598
lascivious, naked,
117
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,066
nasty.
118
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,634
In that case, no.
119
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,703
Okay, then, pay me
half in advance.
120
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,442
Oh. Nice doing business
with you, Drew.
121
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,847
* Uh... Uh...
122
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:14,915
* Uh...
123
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,083
* Uh.
124
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,451
Next!
125
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,819
* Zzp, zzp, zzp, zzp
126
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,355
* Hee-he-he-he-how,
hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *
127
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,556
* Hee-he-he-he-how
128
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,791
* Hee-he-he-he-he-he-how
129
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,893
* Hee-he-he-he-how,
hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *
130
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:26,927
* Hee-he-he-he-how
Next.
131
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:27,961
* Hee-he-he-he-how.
132
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,033
Aren't you gonna do something?
133
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,635
Why don't you do something?
134
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,537
'Cause I'm the one
auditioning you.
135
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,906
No one talk to Princess Latifah
like that!
136
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,073
Next!
137
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,460
That was cool.
138
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:00,828
So, what's the name
of your group?
139
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,396
It's gonna be called
Fish and Chips.
140
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,163
So, you guys in?
141
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,598
Yeah!
Yeah!
142
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:05,933
Cool.
143
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:06,967
While Drew was taking
144
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,836
his first steps
towards the charts,
145
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,838
I was taking my first steps
on the mat.
146
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,741
Chris, since this is
your first day on the mat,
147
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,643
I'm gonna walk you
through some moves.
148
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:16,910
You watch wrestling on TV?
149
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:17,911
All the time.
150
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:20,481
Hulk Hogan, Andre the
Giant, the Iron Sheik.
151
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:21,782
I love all those guys.
152
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,817
Well, that's too bad,
'cause all that crap is fake.
153
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:26,787
Oh. Well, what's first?
154
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,625
This is a cross-face.
155
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:37,765
This is the neck scissors.
156
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:42,770
This is a half nelson.
157
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,642
This is the full nelson.
158
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,979
This is a Ricky Nelson.
159
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,814
That's a joke--
Ricky Nelson.
160
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,517
See, I said half,
full, then Ricky.
161
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:57,685
You like that?
162
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:58,886
Hilarious.
163
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,921
Back at home, I found out
164
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,956
when the woman of the house
goes on a diet,
165
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:06,193
everybody in the house
goes on a diet.
166
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,828
Okay, everybody,
167
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,730
dinner is served.
168
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,932
No, it ain't.
What is this?
169
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,502
It's the Nipsey Russell
Bermudian Diet.
170
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,236
Why are we
on a diet?
171
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,507
Because we put our jeans on,
and they won't button.
172
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,843
How come we can't eat
because your jeans don't fit?
173
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,578
Yeah, why don't you just buy
a bigger pair of jeans?
174
00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:26,747
Because, nobody asked you.
175
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,981
Nipsey Russell ain't fat.
176
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,883
What's he know about diets?
Oh, when he went
177
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,685
to Bermuda to do a comedy show,
178
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,054
he found that the women
were very attractive.
179
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,056
Because they were the only
ones on the island.
180
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:39,927
They stay slim by only
eating fish and fruits.
181
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,129
So he decided to smash it up
and put it in a glass?
182
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,263
Yes.
183
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,065
I'd rather eat the glass.
184
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,835
Well, I hope he took out
the seeds and the bones.
185
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:50,538
Look, unless you guys want me
to end up being fat,
186
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,839
can you at least try it?
187
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,674
Well, I guess I
do need to keep
188
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,076
my weight down--
I made the wrestling team.
My man.
189
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,678
You gonna be
the next Iron sheik.
190
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,079
See, Nipsey can help you.
191
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,615
TONYA:
Well, me and Drew
are making a video.
192
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,250
I guess I should
watch my weight, too.
193
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:04,852
I heard the camera
adds ten pounds.
194
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,520
Only if you eat them first.
195
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:08,021
You're not in
the group.
196
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,990
I will be.
197
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,529
While my dad drank up,
I prepared to get beat up.
198
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:21,101
COACH:
Look for it.
Look for it.
199
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,803
Look, he's giving it to you.
200
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,572
Work it, work it.
201
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:25,873
Look for the leg.
202
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,708
Don't lock up!
203
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:30,010
REFEREE:
Point to red!
204
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,948
(bones crunching,
wrestler shrieking)
205
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,249
Yeah!
206
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,290
Get him... Get him off.
207
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:46,293
I joined the wrestling team so
I could get a varsity letter,
208
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,929
but now I was afraid
I would get three of them--
209
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,230
D.O.A.
210
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,266
Smart bastard.
211
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,035
He used a Manhattan
Neck Snap.
212
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,303
They just
legalized it.
213
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,238
You didn't mention
I could get my neck snapped.
214
00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:59,940
We had a lot to go over.
215
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,009
That might be something
you want to mention.
216
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,577
Look, you want to
get your letter?
217
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:05,045
Get out on that mat-- now.
218
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,193
The Tessio Tigers
do not have a wrestler
219
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,129
to compete in this weight class,
220
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,197
and therefore,
the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish
221
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,266
win by default!
222
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,771
Look at you, with your win
by forfeit, huh?
223
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,873
You're one step closer
to that letter.
224
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,943
I'm just glad
my neck still works.
225
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,915
Back at school, the Black
Plague was killing them.
226
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:57,064
While I was
on top of the world,
227
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,132
Tonya was just trying
to get put on.
228
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:01,034
Have you found a
third member yet?
229
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,236
No, not yet, but I will soon.
230
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:05,305
See ya tomorrow.
231
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,273
See ya.
232
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,975
See ya!
233
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,789
* So all you fly mothers
234
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,891
* Get on out there and dance
235
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,359
* Dance, I said
236
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,962
* Salt-N-Pepa's hit,
and we're in effect *
237
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,764
* Want you to push it, babe
238
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:34,301
* Coolin' by day, then at night
working up a sweat *
239
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,770
* Come on, girls,
let's go show the guys *
240
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,206
* That we know
how to become number one *
241
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,874
* In a hot party show
242
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,375
* Now push it
243
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:43,777
* Push it *
244
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,713
* Push it good
245
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,848
* Push it *
246
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,416
* Push it real good
247
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,251
* Ah, push it *
248
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,821
* Push it good.
249
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,024
Whoa.
250
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:58,759
When did you learn
how to do that?
251
00:10:58,792 --> 00:10:59,893
It doesn't matter.
252
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,228
Now, am I in the group or not?
253
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,396
Yeah.
254
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,165
All right, then.
255
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,134
While Tonya had made the group,
256
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,302
my mother was making
more shakes.
257
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,839
I made extra in case
anybody wants seconds.
258
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,440
Nobody wanted firsts.
259
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,943
Hey, Chris, how's it going
on the wrestling team?
260
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,911
Oh, I'm undefeated.
They call me the Black Plague.
261
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:20,147
Isn't that an insult?
262
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,849
Well, I'm just glad
you're winning.
263
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:23,216
You don't want to know
the things they called
264
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,584
Jackie Robinson.
265
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:27,154
If you really want to know, ask
Michael Richards or Don Imus.
266
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,856
You know, these shakes
would be really good
267
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,090
with a burger and some fries.
268
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,892
Can we get some real food?
269
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,460
Yeah. I'm hungry.
Me, too.
270
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,895
Look, why don't
271
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,429
we all just give this diet
a chance?
272
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,365
I think it's pretty good,
actually.
273
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,333
My father didn't
really like the shakes.
274
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,003
He just found out
it was cheaper than groceries.
275
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,772
And, you know,
since we've been on this diet,
276
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,373
I've saved over $50
in groceries.
277
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,175
Told you.
278
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,877
While I was waiting
on my letter,
279
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,411
Drew was handing his out.
280
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,013
So these are your costumes.
281
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,181
I don't like these.
282
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,983
What's wrong with what I had on?
283
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:58,018
It'll look better on TV.
284
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,187
Tonya, just wear
what I gave you.
285
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,390
Okay, we have rehearsals
every day at 3:00.
286
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,325
I'm not rehearsing at 3:00.
287
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,894
That's when
I watch my game shows.
288
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,461
Let's do it at 4:00.
289
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:09,429
Is that cool with y'all?
290
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,764
Yeah.
Works for me.
291
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:19,039
Later, it turned out
everybody in the house
292
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,307
was on a diet
when they were together.
293
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,777
When they were apart,
it was a different story.
294
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:28,048
My mother ate fries...
295
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,355
Tonya ate slices...
296
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,332
Drew ate doughnuts...
297
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:53,206
And I ate it all.
298
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,942
What's all this for?
299
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,343
Something to show
our appreciation
300
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,045
for representing
our school so well.
301
00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:59,279
And, if you
get a letter,
302
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,580
there's more where
that came from.
303
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,549
A lot more.
A lot more.
304
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:05,485
Unfortunately, they were
still talking about cookies.
305
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,054
The only one who was drinking
306
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,856
instead of eating
was my father.
307
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:09,923
This stuff is pretty good!
308
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,291
Y'all want some more?
No.
309
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,226
No. That's all right.
I gotta go
310
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,594
clip my toenails.
311
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,229
More for me.
312
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,298
While my father
was pounding shakes,
313
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,000
I was pounding cake.
314
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:22,302
Chris, get
on the scale.
315
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,237
Hold this.
316
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,943
One-fourteen.
317
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,845
You're going to have to
wrestle a class up today.
318
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,080
How did that happen?
319
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,181
What did you expect?
320
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:35,515
You ate a couple
pieces of pound cake,
321
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:37,150
so you gained
a couple of pounds.
322
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,551
Anyways, I gotta go
to drama club.
323
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,087
Be careful
out there, man.
324
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,022
I'm not worried about it.
325
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:44,257
What difference
could a pound make?
326
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,459
None, unless I had
to fight somebody.
327
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,339
Ow.
328
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:04,878
Not even Don King
could have fixed that match.
329
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,150
Unfortunately for me,
they found a cure
330
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,452
for the Black Plague:
a good ass whooping.
331
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:13,486
Hey, Coach.
332
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,957
Yeah, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.
333
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,558
I'm not your coach anymore.
334
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,093
What?
335
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,962
Yeah, look,
you had a good run,
336
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,530
but you're off the team.
337
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,998
How am I off the team?
338
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,099
I was undefeated.
339
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,268
Look, at 113,
you were 7-0,
340
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,937
but you gained weight,
you went up a class.
341
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,104
You're 0-1.
342
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:32,940
I'm sorry there, Plague.
343
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,042
Reign of terror is done.
344
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,144
Do I still get my
varsity letter?
345
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,512
Look, you showed up
for practice,
346
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,082
you put in the time,
and you won by forfeit.
347
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,516
I can't penalize you for that,
348
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,485
but when you actually
had to compete
349
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:47,087
against somebody, you lost.
350
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,589
Now, I could
give you a letter,
351
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:52,559
but it would be
an "L" for "loser."
352
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,194
Maybe next time.
353
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,063
Let's go.
354
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,965
Hey.
355
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,535
Oh, Chris.
356
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,305
What were you thinking,
getting out on that mat?
357
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,240
I was trying to get
a varsity letter.
358
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:08,708
Well, you didn't need
to go out there
359
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,044
and let those boys
go upside your head for that.
360
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:12,645
There are other ways
to get a letter.
361
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:14,247
Like what?
362
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,049
You could audition
for the drama club.
363
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,518
You can get a letter
for being an actor?
Sure.
364
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:22,255
I bet you'd be a natural,
like Jim Kelly, Jim Brown,
365
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,457
Blackula, O.J. Simpson.
366
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:28,195
Your people have a natural
facility for deception.
367
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,463
Why not use it
to your advantage?
368
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,399
'Cause I'm too busy
robbing people,
369
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,235
dealing drugs
and making babies.
370
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,005
While I was thinking about
acting, Tonya was acting out.
371
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,206
* Baby, baby
372
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,274
* Ooh, baby, baby.
373
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:42,976
All right,
that was pretty good.
374
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,077
It was sloppy.
375
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:47,047
Let's take it from the top.
No, Tonya, it was fine.
376
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,681
Do you want fine
or spectacular?
377
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,618
All right, let's take it
from the top.
378
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,186
Thank you.
379
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:54,487
("Push it" by Salt-N-Pepa
playing)
380
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:55,722
* Push it...
381
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,591
And five, six,
seven, eight.
382
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,634
You're eating
a Slopper?
383
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,602
You want a bite?
384
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,540
So I've been spending money
on shakes
385
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,408
while you've been
wasting money on food?
386
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:18,378
Only my father would think food
was a waste of money.
387
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,047
ALL:
Yes.
388
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,583
I work two jobs, and you
let me leave the house
389
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,285
with nothing on my stomach
390
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,386
but a fish juice shake?
391
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,089
Not cool,
unless your husband's a shark.
392
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:32,592
If this is how you do when
you're trying to get skinny,
393
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,427
I'd rather have you fat.
394
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:37,364
That's what Kirstie Alley's man
said to her.
395
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:40,400
Chris, I'm so glad
you decided to audition.
396
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,701
I need a letter.
397
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,637
So, what have you prepared
for us, Chris?
398
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,673
I would like to do a selection
from Uncle Ben's Cabin.
399
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,509
You mean Uncle Tom's Cabin?
No.
400
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,411
Uncle Ben's-- it's
a lesser known work
401
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,645
by Mark Twain's
cousin, Dwayne.
402
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,680
Dwayne Twain?
403
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:56,616
Yes.
Go ahead.
404
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:03,256
Rice, rice, rice.
405
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:06,359
You think all I
knows is rice?
406
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,328
I was there when George
Washington Carver
407
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,363
shucked that
first peanut.
408
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:15,502
I make yams and corn and cotton,
409
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,805
but all America wants is
them little grains of rice.
410
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,773
I gives
411
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:24,344
and I gives...
412
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:30,517
...till I can't gives no more.
413
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:36,756
Still I rise.
414
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:41,661
Oh, Chris, I have just the part
for you in our next production.
415
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:47,400
At the video shoot, Tonya
was ready for her close-up.
416
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,502
Look, Tonya, for the sake
of art and commerce,
417
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,371
let's just get along, okay?
418
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,706
Honey, it's showtime.
419
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,209
Roll the tape.
420
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,744
Start the camera.
421
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,884
* Ooh, baby, baby
422
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,586
* Baby, baby
423
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,488
* Ooh, baby, baby
424
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,757
* B-baby, baby...
425
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:13,260
I'm still mad.
426
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:17,797
Does that make
it better?
427
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,466
A little.
428
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,305
How about that?
429
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:27,774
Mmm... that's
pretty good.
430
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,213
How about that?
431
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,648
Why was I mad again?
432
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:40,220
While my parents were
making up, I was acting out.
433
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:42,322
Oh, Abe,
434
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,723
this is a wonderful play.
435
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,825
I think you're
going to like it.
436
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:02,242
Yo, keep sending in
those videos, but remember,
437
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:05,378
your song has to be original
to be aired.
438
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:06,846
Keep watching Video Turntable.
439
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,581
Well, thanks
for the rehearsal space.
440
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:09,916
Yeah, too bad it
didn't pay off,
441
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,418
but any idiot knows
442
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,719
you're supposed to
sing your own songs.
443
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:13,820
That's okay.
444
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,922
You guys will figure out
something better next time.
445
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,590
Yeah, well,
good luck.
446
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,460
There won't be a
next time with me.
447
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,661
I'm taking the
other girls
448
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,196
and we're starting
our own group.
449
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:26,433
Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.
450
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,635
Ooh...
451
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:29,869
Bam!
452
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,539
Ma, why are you
wearing my jeans?
453
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:33,740
These are my jeans.
454
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:34,741
No, they're not.
455
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,443
They're my ten dollar
lucky jeans.
456
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,545
I always keep ten dollars
in the right front pocket.
457
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,215
You mean I've been
killing myself
458
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,251
to get into a boy's
pair of pants?
459
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,418
You and Michael Jackson.
460
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:46,486
That was...
461
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,856
$98.45 worth of wasted shakes.
462
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,591
It's not a
total waste.
463
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,496
Baby, give me a biscuit.
464
00:19:57,597 --> 00:20:00,400
You're a terrible
producer.
465
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,001
The next day at school,
466
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,837
my quest for a varsity letter
finally came to an end.
467
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:05,905
What's this?
468
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,574
It's your letter.
469
00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:13,446
This is a letter.
470
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,981
Exactly.
471
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:18,418
It's a letter welcoming you
into the Varsity Drama Club.
472
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:21,354
If only I could letter
in choking the principal out.
473
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:23,290
* Everybody hates Chris.
474
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:27,226
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