Original subtitles

Got a little something for you.

Man, she is a fly.

Not a fly, is fly. She's fly.

I just wish I knew what to do to get a girl like her.

Easy. Be a guy like him.

CHRIS ROCK: In high school, you learned that the type of girl you are

determines the type of guy you go out with.

Nerdy girls hang out with nerdy guys.

Smart girls hang out with smart guys

and dumb girls hang out with jocks.

Ladies.

And then there are the girls

that didn't hang out with anybody

and the guys that made fun of them.

We were those guys, and she was that girl.

Man, look at that.

She looks like her family gave

the baby back and kept the stork.

Her name is Kelly, but everybody

calls her "Big Bird."

Hey, Big Bird. Yo, Big Bird.

What's up, Big Bird?

I wonder what'd have to go wrong for you to end up with a girl like that.

It's like being on The Planet of The Apes,

and all the apes said, "No."

I didn't have anything against Big Bird,

and unfortunately for me,

she didn't have anything against me either.

You're Chris, right?

Yeah.

I've seen you around,

and I really think you're kinda cute.

Do you want to hang out sometime?

No!

Sure.

Where's an ape when you need one?

* Aw, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

While Big Bird was trying to get with me,

Greg was trying to get the lowdown.

Dude, did I see you talking to Big Bird yesterday?

Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.

She's, like, the goofiest girl

this side of Roseanne Roseannadanna. What'd you say?

I told her yeah.

Why?

'Cause she asked.

Girls don't ask me out all the time.

Yeah, that's the beauty of the situation.

You had a chance to boost your low self-esteem

by turning someone else down for a change.

Yeah, but when the girl asks,

you don't just say no.

Plus, my dad said never to hurt a girl's feelings.

Besides, they don't take rejection well.

How are they gonna learn if they don't get any practice?

Attractive girls don't take rejection well.

Girls like Big Bird, they're used to it.

You know what? Fine. It's done.

I'm gonna go out with her once.

Trust me. I'm gonna make sure we don't have fun,

so she doesn't want to go out again.

I usually did that without trying.

While I was betting I could get rid of Big Bird,

Vanessa was betting big on the Jets.

Here you go.

Sorry it took so long.

Five weeks, you should be sorry.

You should have saved your money.

I told you the Jets were gonna win.

Vanessa, you gonna get enough of this gambling,

I keep trying to tell you.

No, this is a sure thing.

The New York Jets have been on a winning streak

like you've never seen.

They just got lucky.

I'll bet you they don't win next week.

The Giants play the Jets?

No, they're just both on winning streaks.

Wait a minute. This is the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Your team is winning and your team is winning,

but you both figured out a way to lose money on it.

Well, all I know is the Giants are gonna lose

before the Jets.

I'll tell you what. If the Giants lose before the Jets,

the barbershop will pay for you ladies

to have a night out on the town.

Oh-oh, well, start saving.

But what if we win?

That, that is not going to happen.

Since it's not gonna happen, say anything.

Buy everybody a new car.

Cook dinner for all the men for a month.

Better yet, go out with Kill Moves.

All right, little Miss Naysayer,

I'll do that.

If we lose, I'll go out with Kill Moves.

Ha!

While Vanessa bet on the Jets, I had a date with a giant.

Hey, Chris.

Is that what you had on earlier?

No, I had an accident and I needed to change.

An accident? What happened?

Oh, I didn't make it to the bathroom in time,

so I to get something from lost-and-found.

Wow, that's crazy.

It looks good on you, though.

It makes you look edgy.

Even though my bad clothes didn't seem to work,

there was more bad stuff to come: bad food.

I never heard of this place.

Yeah, everything the serve is from stuff

that other people didn't finish eating.

After the bad food, there was a bad movie.

What's this called?

Leonard Part V.

Nipsy Russell's best movie.

They're doing a sequel with Bill Cosby.

Stop you guys from committing a crime.

After the bad movie, we took a bad walk.

Hey, little dude on a date, let me hold all your money!

Chris, come back!

No!

The only date worse than me was Phil Spector.

While I was running for my life,

Vanessa was running her game down.

Listen up now, everybody.

Now, we all in this together.

So if we gonna win this thing,

then we got to get our mojo working.

Mojo?

Is that what we're depending on, mojo?

Well, what about the stats, the line, the over, the under?

What about the odds? The spread, the angle, the handicap?

What about the hook, the hot game?

You know, the rundown, the system?

What about a tout, the trends?

What about a wiseguy?

Everybody needs a wiseguy.

Rochelle,

I'll have you know

I have a very precise system that's worked for nine months.

Really

Four out of five dentists think she's crazy.

And I pluck three mole hairs before every game.

And I been eating two chicken-fried bananas

before every game.

Just two?

Well, I don't know what you want me to do.

What do you normally do during the game?

Well, other than serving beer and chips, I'm usually ironing.

Did you do that week two when the Jets lost?

Now, how am I supposed to know what week is what

in your mojo world?

Think, Rochelle, this is important.

Remember, I lost all that money

and you gave me that lecture on "gambling is evil..."

That's when Julius burnt my shirt.

Giants win 20 to 7, Jet's lose 20 to 6.

Julius, my shirt!

What do you mean, you lost $30?

And every week after that, I've been ironing.

And every week the Jets have been winning,

so I don't care what you do on Monday.

You make sure you iron those clothes.

Mm-hmm.

Before ESPN, people had their own roundtable discussions

by sitting around a table and discussing.

So the girls at the beauty shop made a bet

against the guys at the barber shop.

It's silly, but the guys are rooting for the Giants

and the girls are rooting for the Jets.

That is silly. There's no way

the Jets are gonna continue winning.

Oh, really? What makes you an expert?

Because he's a man.

I watch football every week. That's why I'm an expert.

So you saying I'm stupid?

This was not the first time

my parents had this conversation.

It's too expensive.

So you saying I'm not a good mother?

I just don't see what's funny about a Volkswagen Beetle.

So you saying you never should have married me?

That's not what I said.

That's what I think.

The Giants are gonna win the Superbowl,

and Phil Simms is gonna lead them to the promised land.

Right, Daddy?

That's right, sweetie.

You're crazy.

Wesley Walker and Al Toon are having record years.

The Jets are going to the Superbowl.

Ain't that right, Mom?

No doubt about it.

Tonya's right. The Giants are unbeatable.

All right, Julius, I'll tell you what.

I hate betting, but since you want to run your mouth,

and call me names, if the Giants lose

before the Jets do, you and little Miss That's What I Said

have to clean up after everybody else

for a month.

And if the Jets lose before the Giants,

you and Drew have to do it.

You have a bet.

All right. You're gonna lose.

Since we had gotten off to a bad start,

I was praying for a bad finish.

That was so funny when you ran away. You're fast.

You thought that was funny?

You didn't see what it looked like.

Besides, that guy didn't scare me.

He didn't?

No, I could see his thumb sticking out of his gun pocket.

Didn't he take all your money?

No, he didn't. I keep my money in my bra.

All he got was some eye drops and some rash cream.

Eye drops and rash cream? Damn!

Little dude owes me a dollar.

After all I did to make things go wrong,

I never would have bet that things with Kelly

would be going so right.

Well, that was great.

Yeah, that was cool.

Well, I better get home.

Yeah, me, too.

Everyone called Kelly "Big Bird,"

but call me cuckoo; I was actually starting to like her.

That kiss from Big Bird made me feel like Superfly.

While I was flying with Big Bird,

my father wanted the Jets to crash.

I need the Jets to lose.

We're doing everything we can to put the mojo on the Jets.

I'm wearing my lucky socks.

I ain't eating nothing but bananas and peanut butter.

I'm gonna call 'em up and I'm gonna threaten 'em.

What about you, Julius?

What did you do the last time the Jets lost?

It was weird 'cause I remember I was ironing

because the Giants won 20 to 7

and the Jets lost 20 to 6,

and I remember thinking, "That's one extra point worth of loss."

Well, you know what that means.

You need to iron on Monday.

ALL: Yeah!

Keeping my relationship with Big Bird a secret

was easy for the most part.

Turns out,

the person I had the most trouble hiding it from was her.

I hid it during school.

I hid it before school.

I even kept it hidden after school.

* Get away from the pain you're driving to the heart of me *

What are you looking for, Tender Love?

The Giants had won their fifth game in a row,

and Tonya was counting on the Jets' winning streak to end.

You better pick that up.

I'm not picking it up.

You got to pick it up.

And then you're gonna have to clean the rest of the house.

We'll see about that.

Kelly didn't realize that I was avoiding being seen with her.

She just thought I was the greatest phone boyfriend ever.

I guess my favorite rappers are Run-DMC.

I love Salt n' Pepa.

My favorite character from the Rocky movies

is Clubber Lang.

I love Captain Drago.

And I jumped off the top stairs, started flying

and landed on the Mary Jane Girls.

I had the exact same dream except I landed on Rick James.

About the only thing we didn't talk about

is when we'd get together again.

So when do you want to do something again?

12th of never?

Um... There's a football game on today.

Maybe we could watch that.

Oh, my place or yours?

I prefer a secluded town on the outskirts of nowhere.

Um... I was thinking somewhere different.

Uh, where?

Let it, let it be my surprise.

Julius, did you see my...?

Hey, Rochelle.

You ready for the Jets game?

You!

No good, low down...

Those are words you can't say on TV.

Dirty,

good-for-nothing...

To-to sneak down here and...

What's wrong with you?

I'm just doing the ironing.

I can't believe this!

Good thing she wasn't near the toaster.

...lose to Miami, 45...

While my mother was going to kill my father,

Nessa was going on a date with Kill Moves.

I liked seeing Kelly, but I made sure to do it

where no one I knew would see us.

That was a great game.

What made you think of coming to the Port Authority?

Just thought it'd be different.

This is cool.

You want to watch something else?

Sure.

Meanwhile, my mother had a giant problem

with the Jets losing.

Start cleaning, Drew.

You sit back down, Drew.

You're not cleaning up anything.

What are you talking about?

I'm not talking to you.

You wanna play dirty, stay dirty.

My father won a bet, but he was about to lose a war.

: We won!

Back at school, the early bird was about to get the worm.

Surprise!

I found you.

Kelly.

Yeah, you did find me.

Um...

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you.

It's like I never see you around school anymore.

It's like I have to hunt you down.

I'm almost starting to think that you're trying to avoid me.

Oh. What gave you that idea?

You.

I'm just kidding.

Well, you know, I'm kind of busy, so...

catch you later.

Okay.

I get it. No girls in the locker room, right?

Yeah.

Well, I just wanted

to give you something before I go.

What's that?

Hey!

It's Big Bird. Hey, were's Bert and Ernie?

I guess that makes you Snuffleupagus?

No, it makes him Roosevelt Franklin.

Cookie?

Cookie! Cookie!

Who are they making fun of?

They obviously watch a lot of Sesame Street.

Chris, aren't you gonna say something?

Or are you just gonna stand there and watch?

Stand here and watch.

Fine.

Now I know how you really feel.

What's up?

Where you going?

Don't fall over.

While I was trying to figure out

how to deal with Big Bird,

Vanessa was getting prepared to deal with Kill Moves.

Good evening, ladies.

Kill Moves? Where'd you get the car?

I don't know.

It belongs to his mother, Mrs. Devereaux.

Wow.

You learn something new every day.

Where's Vanessa?

Uh, this is me.

Where's that woman you was just with?

Um... Just explain

when you get in the car.

Go, go, go.

Have a good time.

I think.

While Vanessa took care of her end of the bet,

at home, all bets were off.

Dinner is served.

Rochelle, this has gotta stop.

It never would have started if you never cheated.

Cheated? I never cheated.

Oh, really? So out of the blue, you just decided

that you wanted to iron?

Well, no.

You no-good, low-down, dirty little...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does me ironing have to do with me cheating?

Because I always do the ironing

and every time I iron, the Jets win.

but no, you had to go steal my mojo

and ruin our nine-game winning streak.

What?!

I didn't know ironing was your thing, too.

The guys told me to iron again, and I just did it.

Really?

Yeah. I play fair.

Oh.

A'ight. Me and Drew will clean upstairs,

and you and Tonya will clean downstairs.

Don't touch me.

My father made things right with my mother.

Now I needed to make things right with my Bird.

Hey, Dad, I need to talk to you.

What's up?

Well, there's this girl.

And she likes me.

That's good.

And I really like her.

That's better.

The only thing is,

she's a little awkward-looking.

Awkward?

Like she has one leg longer than the other?

No.

Like she dislocated her shoulder

and they put it back wrong?

No.

Like her eyes are too far apart?

No.

Like she's knock-kneed and pigeon-toed,

and when she walks she makes a clicking sound?

No.

It's just that these football players

were calling her Big Bird and stuff and...

I didn't really do anything about it.

Chris, even if a girl's eyes are too far apart,

I thought I told you never to hurt a girl's feelings.

I know.

No, obviously you don't.

You think she'll forgive me?

I don't know. You'll have to work that out with her.

Even if a girl's eyes are too far apart.

I realized my mistake,

and Vanessa realized that going out with Kill Moves

wasn't a mistake at all.

You were out all night?

Oh, girl, that's just the start of it.

We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport.

There was a pink helicopter waiting for me.

You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date

at www.vanessa'sbigdate withkillmoves.tv

After I gave Big Bird the cold shoulder,

I thought she flew the coop.

You haven't seen her? No, dude.

("Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears plays)

* I wanted to be with you alone *

* And talk about the weather

* I'm lost in admiration, did I need you this much? *

* Oh, you're wasting my time

* You're just, just, just wasting time *

* Something happens and I'm head over heels *

* I never find out till I'm head over heels *

* Something happens and I'm head over heels *

* Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart *

* Don't, don't, don't throw it away *

* Throw it away...

* Throw it away...

You look amazing.

I know. I decided I wasn't going to let you

or anyone else crush me,

so my mom took me to the mall for a makeover.

GUY: Big Bird...

is that you?

My name is not Big Bird.

It's Kelly.

I'm sorry about what happened. It's just...

It's just you were fine going out with me so long as

nobody knew, because you didn't want to be Big Bird's boyfriend?

Exactly!

No...

Let me make it up to you. Let me take you out again.

No. Never. Het. Noya...

Unfortunately for me, Kelly spoke 15 languages.

...Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.

Was that Cherokee?

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

What?!

Kelly, I was a jerk.

I know. And as much as I'd like

to come here every day and make you suffer,

I'm going to Paris tomorrow.

Paris?

That's right, Paris.

I met a lady at the mall named Cindy Crawford,

and she said she's going to turn me into a supermodel.

I'm sorry.

I bet you are.

But imagine how sorry you're going to be

when I turn around and walk away.

See you later, Kermit.

Tonight's episode was brought to you

by the letters D-A-M and N!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

* Aw, make it funky now