Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #072 "Everybody Hates Doc's" CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK: After I became the manager of Tattaglia's football team,

I only had time to work at Doc's on the weekends.

Working two days a week seemed

like it was going to be a breeze,

and then Doc got a girlfriend.

Hey, Chris, I want you to meet my new leading lady.

Look-a here, look-a here.

Stacy.

Hi.

Hi.

She'll be taking over for me

here on the weekends.

Doc's told me so much about you.

He didn't tell me a thing about you.

What do you mean, "taking over"?

Well, you know I can use a little time off.

So I'll be minding the store. We'll get along great.

And you'll be working

for a much better-looking boss.

Cool.

And remember, whatever she says goes.

Yeah, no problem.

Are these cans always so dusty?

Problem.

Stacy may have been a dream come true for Doc,

but she turned out to be my worse nightmare.

There, all done.

Chris, you did it all wrong!

I want everything on the top to go on the bottom,

and everything on the bottom to go on the top.

Why? Because she's crazy.

Because I don't work for you, you work for me.

I told you she's crazy.

And when you finish with that,

I have some errands for you to run.

When she said I work for her, she meant it.

I had to go for groceries, get her dry cleaning

and mine her coal.

And when you're done, go get me a new bird.

Believe it or not,

Doc's girlfriend was only the second-worst boss I've had.

Mr. Fong was the worst.

And I could only imagine how hard it would be

working for him again.

Hey, quit imagining what it would be like to work for me

and get back to work, Lionel Richie.

I was happy Doc had a girlfriend.

Too bad I have to kill her.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Since my father knew everything there was to know

about having jobs, I decided to ask him

what to do about Stacy.

Hey, Dad, you ever had a boss you didn't like?

I never had one I did like.

Why? You having trouble with Doc?

Nah, I love Doc, it's his girlfriend who's...

Whoa, whoa. Son,

stop right there.

That's Doc's woman.

Whether you like it or not, she's there to stay.

You think so?

The Beatles didn't break up John and Yoko.

If it comes down to you or her, you're gonna be out of job.

'Cause if you have a problem with her,

you're gonna have a problem with Doc.

But I've been on the job with Doc for years.

She's been on the job for a month.

Let's just say you two do very different jobs.

Let's just say what he does to her, now she's doing to me.

You getting paid to do whatever keeps that woman happy.

Like James Brolin.

Why do I have to do that?

That's why they call it a "job," Chris.

Apparently, you got it mixed up with a vacation.

There's nothing I can do?

Well...

Don't you think that's taking it a little far?

If it is, then it must not be that bad.

While I wanted less attention from my boss,

Tonya wanted more attention from boys.

Hey, Tonya.

Do boys always pay attention to you like that?

Sometimes.

Do you think I'm pretty?

No! It's not that, Tonya.

Boys aren't paying attention to me just because I'm pretty.

It's because now I'm wearing a bra.

A bra?

Yep.

That's why boys like you?

Yeah. Hi, Tasha.

How ya doing?

Hi, Robert. What are you doing here?

Since having Stacy kidnapped was out of my price range,

I decided to make my case with Doc.

What are you doing here, Chris?

You don't work till tomorrow.

I came to talk to you about Stacy.

I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie.

And if she was 13,

I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.

You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Ah, Stacy, mm!

That is one fine... woman.

Mm! I think

she's a real keeper.

What is it you wanted to ask me?

Can you lend me money for a kidnapping?

Nothing. I just wondered how you guys met.

Well, that's a funny story.

But not so funny that we're gonna watch him

while he tells it.

Anyway, while Doc was talking Stacy up,

over at 'Nessa's it was about to go down.

Hi. May I help you?

I hope so.

I need a touch-up, I need a little trim.

I need some lowlights and I need to get out of here

inside of two hours.

You need an appointment.

I'm sorry. We're all booked up.

No, you're not.

There's an empty chair right there.

That client is running a little late.

She'll be here any minute.

Well, I'm here, and she's not.

Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?

I don't understand why I have to wait to be served

while you hold a spot for somebody

that obviously doesn't respect your business enough

to show up here on time.

Or is that why the place is empty?

Now wait a minute, Miss Thing.

I have two questions for you. Who are you and...

And who asked you?

I'm Stacy Deveaux. It's French.

Mm, do you want to hear some more French?

VANESSA: I know you.

You the one been messing with Doc.

I am not "messing" with Doc.

We're a couple.

And that's a little bit different than a mess.

Not too much.

Excuse me?

You're excused.

Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

I'm sorry. We can't help you.

Yes, you are sorry.

And you don't need to help me.

You need to help yourself.

I know you are, but what am I?

I asked Greg what to do about Stacy,

and he gave me the advice he always gave regarding women.

I don't know what to tell you, dude.

Thanks.

Stacy really that bad?

Last weekend, she made me give her grandmother a bath.

Chris, I hear you sneaking out!

Don't you leave me in this tub again!

Why don't you just quit? You can find another job.

Not like this one.

I mean, I make decent money, it's close to my house,

and I can make my own hours.

It's either Doc's or I start dealing crack.

How come she's not with Doc anyways?

Where is he?

He plays chess in the park on weekends.

Just get her to go with him.

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

How am I supposed to do that?

I don't know, citizen.

Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution.

The rest is up to you.

Kind oflike Google.

While Doc tried to protect his king,

I tried to get rid of his queen.

Where's your old lady?

I left her at the store.

No need to bring sand to the beach.

Who you calling sand?

I had to get Stacy with Doc.

And once I went to the park, I found out what I had to do.

I had to get Doc to take sand to the beach.

Check.

Checkmate.

Here's your dress.

They said to give you this card.

It's for another dry cleaners you might want to try.

It's in Canada.

Go get me some egg foo yung at Woo's.

Ooh, I need some stamps, too.

And then run by my apartment and see if the mail came in.

I don't want my check to get stolen.

Before I went on my next run,

I decided to give her the runaround.

So, um, what exactly does Doc do on the weekends?

He's playing chess at the park.

At the park? With the sugar daddies?

The who?

Oh, the sugar daddies.

You know, that's what the ladies call them.

What ladies?

The ones at the park.

I can't get a girl to talk to me at school,

but these old men have them fighting over them.

If don't have a woman by the time I'm 60...

...I'll kill myself.

...I'm picking up chess and going to the park.

Mm, mm, mm, I should have known better.

Should have known better what?

Known better than to listen to a sneaky 15-year-old.

It is the same thing over and over again!

And Stacy is tired of it!

Stacy is not a fool.

When Stacy smells smoke,

Stacy doesn't stand around and wait for the fire!

Stacy is leaving!

Referring to yourself in the third person.

It's not just for athlete's anymore.

What do you want me to tell Doc?

Tell Doc he can kiss...

Your black...?

Don't tell Doc anything.

It's not your job.

First time she ever said that.

I was like Cupid's retarded little brother.

Damn, I'm good.

After I dropped the bomb on Stacy,

unfortunately, Stacy dropped the bomb on Doc.

Hey, Doc.

What are you doing here?

Where's Stacy? She's gone.

I found this letter.

She said it's over.

Called me every name in the book.

You can never find that book at the library.

I don't understand.

Did something happen yesterday? No.

Unless you think me sabotaging your relationship is strange.

I just can't figure it out.

You okay?

I'm not feeling very well.

I'm gonna go in the back

and lie down.

Get that bottle of whisky for me.

At least he didn't ask me for a box of tissues.

And get me that box of tissues.

Doc hadn't needed whiskey and tissues

since Maceo Parker left James Brown's band.

At Tonya's school,

her first day of wearing a bra alsoinvolved a box of tissues.

Because, as it turns out,

they were useful for the end of relationships

and for the beginning.

Hi, Tonya. Hey, Tonya.

Inside of two minutes, Tonya discovered

bras not only got you attention,

they got you favors.

Can I buy you lunch? Can I do your homework?

They got you gifts.

Voila!

You bought me a car?!

I-If you don't like it, I could get you another one-- but I'll need a day.

And they also got you questions.

Tonya, that's a nice necklace-- where'd you get it?

Oh, this boy gave it to me.

Well, give it back-- you're too young to be getting gifts from boys.

Julius, don't get carried away-- it's just a plastic necklace.

Next it'll be a plastic bracelet,

then a plastic ring.

I want this to stop at the neck.

He said that till she turned 35.

Hey, Drew, how's Doc?

I didn't see him today-- he closed the store.

He's all depressed

because his girlfriend left him.

What? Well, you ask me,

Doc just dodged a bullet.

She was nothing but a gold digger anyway.

What's a gold digger? It's a woman who's with an older man for his money.

Isn't that an "old digger"?

Just because Doc has a little money

doesn't make her a gold digger.

Besides, what's wrong with Doc having a younger woman?

Is that what you're gonna say to me when I turn 60?

You just gonna leave me and run off

with a 35

She should be about 12 right about now.

Why don't you run out and buy her a plastic necklace?

Of the million things my father could've said at that moment,

he chose the smartest one-- nothing.

Did Doc say when he was gonna reopen?

He said he might never reopen.

I got rid of Stacy, my job

and Doc's will to live-- way to go, dummy.

ROCHELLE : Tonya!

Tonya, are you up there?

Tonya?

What are you doing?

: I was looking for you.

Oh, well, it's time for you to go to school.

Okay.

While Doc was feeding the bums, losing Stacy was eating him up.

You spoken to Stacy?

No. She won't see me.

Drew said that you were thinking about closing up the store.

I'm gonna pack up my things and move to Florida,

buy a boat...

be sad there.

You're leaving?

I know.

I know how much you liked that job, Chris.

I'm sorry this had to happen.

Especially since it was my own fault.

When my mother found the bra in my father's sock drawer,

she stared at it like the woman was still in it.

Over at Stacy's, I didn't know what was worse,

having to confess what I had done

or feeling like I was in the Bronx Zoo.

So, what'd you want to talk to me about?

You got to give Doc another chance.

Chris...

Doc is a liar.

And I know that you want to take up for him,

but he doesn't deserve another chance.

Ooh! He is like

all the other men I've ever dated!

He lied, they lied, because they're liars.

The story of the Bush Administration.

Doc's not like that.

He is.

Chris.

Don't...

grow up to be like that.

No matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings,

you have to tell her the truth.

She may hate you,

she may burn down your house

or pour bleach on your clothes,

or... attack your new girlfriend with ants

or take every dime you make.

She may scratch your car with a rake

or use your home phone to call China long distance.

Or she could put milk and detergent in your gas tank.

Or put turpentine and nail polish remover

and itching powder in your underwear.

She may glue your private parts to your leg.

She may send an assassination threat

to the president with your return address.

Uh, Stacy?

Hm?

Doc didn't do anything.

It was me-- I lied.

Chris...

don't you see how he's using a child to make excuses for him?

He's not.

The truth is, Stacy... I don't like you,

and I didn't like how hard you were making me work.

I was trying to get rid of you.

Trying to break you and Doc up.

What

You're making me clean your house!

You missed a spot. See?

Chris, everybody likes me.

No. Nobody likes you.

Except for Doc and Drew-- and Drew doesn't count;

he just likes pie.

How's that for honest?

Now she's gonna burn your house down.

Are you gonna burn my house down?

No.

Glue my eyelids shut?

Chris, no.

Just a little surprised.

A lot surprised.

Well...

Doc really misses you.

He didn't do anything to deserve this, and neither did you.

So...

just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Chris...

I am very disappointed in you.

And as soon as you finish washing the dishes,

I want you out of my house.

Where you going?

I'm going to get my man.

Unless Apocalypto throws a spear in you.

* It's a thin line While one innocent man was off the hook,

another was on death row

* Between love and hate... and didn't even know it.

* It's a thin line I love this song.

Dinner smells delicious.

What is it?

Two breasts.

* It's 5:00 in the morning... Since when have you been interested in guns?

Since I found this bra

in your sock drawer!

* I knock on the door... Rochelle...

What?

If my father had been paying attention,

he would've noticed a few things.

I don't know anything about that bra.

I've never seen that bra in my life?

So what was it doing in your sock drawer?

I have no idea.

Oh. Did a pair of your socks

have a date last night and get lucky?

Or maybe a pair of your socks

thought it was a bra trapped inside socks' body!

Or maybe...

you had a friend over, and she put 'em there.

Even if I had a friend...

Shut up.

...and I was crazy enough to bring her over...

Shut up.

...do you think

I'd be crazy enough to put a bra

in my sock drawer when I know you do the laundry?

Would you shut up!

So you thought about this?

Itoldyour ass to shut up.

No!

Then if youdidn't put it there,

who did?

* It's a thin line I don't know.

* Between love and hate...

ROCHELLE: Okay,

I'm gonna ask this question once.

But before I ask it,

I want y'all to understand what the stakes are.

Because if y'all say

that you've never seen that bra before,

I'm gonna kill your father.

Yeah, and then I'm gonna go to jail,

and then you guys

are gonna be split up

and sent to live in foster care.

Sounds like a BET movie-of-the-week.

So, does everybody understand?

Okay.

Okay, the question is,

did anybody sitting at this table

put that bra in your father's sock drawer?

No.

Wasn't me.

We have a winner.

Okay, boys, you can go to bed now.

Gladly!

Julius, you can leave, too.

You're lucky.

Okay, Tonya, talk to me.

W-Well, I saw these boys

paying attention to girls who wear bras,

so I stole Tasha's,

because I wanted some of that attention, too.

Baby...

Tonya, that's not the kind of attention that you want.

You want boys to look at what's in your heart,

not what's in your bra.

In my sister's case, they were both empty.

Tonya, you're moving too fast.

I mean, you're not ready for this.

What did you do, stick tissue in it?

Yeah.

Okay, well...

Tonya, you having a bra is like...

you buying a saddle before you get the horse.

You know, boys will pay attention to you,

but they're not really looking at you,

they're admiring your saddle.

And-and-and...

when you do get the horse,

then everything is different,

because then you need the saddle.

Wait, are we talking about bras or saddles?

JULIUS : Saddles!

It wasn't pretty,

but Doc had gotten his nights back with his queen.

You know your king's in check?

He most certainly is.

Stacy was back with Doc

and out of the store on weekends,

which was all I ever wanted.

Doc had said he was getting another cashier.

Whoever it was, they would have to be better than Stacy.

Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late.

Get busy. Scrub floor.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org